“Will I ever be the same” (Part 2)
PDF A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery – to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
ErinBrock says:
!
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shameonme says:
Are you actually the moderator? DBA? MPD? The wizard is worst than a little old man.
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darwinsmom says:
shameonme,
We had a visitor last night who is a spath and has been here before. The posts by the spath have been deleted by Donna, and the grey rock posts while he disrespects the wish of people here to be left alone are directed at him, and as far as I know have nothing to do with you.
Your hope for the spath does cost you energy, because it allows you to keep thinking of the spath in a positive way, potentially setting you up to become bamboozled by them again. Also the longer you hang on to an illusion, the longer it will take for you to recover from cognitive dissonance. It harms your own mental health.
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ErinBrock says:
Sometimes when a troll shows up…..they come in multiples…..think outside the box LF’rs…..just like when we were victimized in ‘real’ life……sometimes it just doesn’t stop with ‘bad’….it can get worse than originally thought.
I believe the gray rock etc….posts read so clear from us….and a bit or WAY off topic or fragmented after the deletions…..that it would be rare to have someone truely new and real show up and not ‘get something’ is off and be inspired to post during THOSE TIMES when none of the conversations make sense on that thread……and not hang back for a bit until it was ‘safe’ to post. I don’t think any explatation is required.
Does everyone deserve our benefit of doubt? Especially when they post wierd and nonsensicle word salad? AND when no one responds to them……THEY CONTINUE WITH WEIRD AND NONSENSICLE POSTS!
IT IS….okay to sit back and ‘watch’ a person…..afterall….arnt’ we trying to identify them in ‘real life’ too…….on the streets…..we don’t have to throw all our love and nuturing out there on the first post always! Especially during weird times……
And we certainly NEVER need to own a caretaking position.
I happened to take count of a few (who I believe fake) new posters or ones who don’t come around much, showing up- supporting the trolls posts ONLY during troll hours….and funny enough….we don’t hear from them again until another troll comes in attempt to cause trouble . It’s ping and pong the Panda’s…..to go along with the circus act! Then you got the drunk ringleader with the big fat nose and the rosey cheeks…..
JUST SAYIN………
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Hens says:
br549
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
COPING sweetie, i have a rule for you to follow – anything seems weird on the blog, it is NOT about you. EVER. k? xo
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ErinBrock says:
!
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
oh hens, sesame street on a sunday morning!
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ErinBrock says:
,
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Hens says:
oh one, I prefer This Old House and Oklahoma Gardening on sunday mornings.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
i am all over coronation st on sunday mornings. but since you were doing letter combos – i figured i should take my lid off and be the grouch. which isn’t so hard…that damn retriever upstairs woke me a 1am, 3 am and 8 am. I am not sure how to deal with this woman.
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ErinBrock says:
I’m a ‘This old house’ girl myself!
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darwinsmom says:
Point taken EB. I was not sure, because it seems I was off to bed during the beer counting. And the ping-pong possibility crosses my mind. I also agree that I, nor anyone else here need to explain themselves of not trusting everyone, of not wishing to help everyone who shows their nose through. We don’t owe anyone anything…
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KatyDid says:
one/joy
You have recourse with your doggie issue.
if white noise like a fan, doesn’t cover the barking during the night, then the barking is too loud. document it. record it. write down the times. then make an appointment to speak to the owner about the dog problems. not saying this will get you anywhere but you need to document that you were reasonable. then go to the apartment owner with your evidence and put the complaint in writing as well as discussing it with someone in authority. make a police report. they HAVE to take your report and give you a copy, even if they will not do anything about it. in my city, there is a governing body that handles pet complaints. maybe the local shelter can direct you. also, there are noise ordinances, i.e. can’t be over a certain decibel between the hours of 11p-5am kind of thing. again, all these suggestions are to help you create a paper trail, a complaint trail, a evidence/proof trail. If it’s that bad, it’s time to gather the neighbors and get pro active.
ps That retriever is either being left alone, or is not socialized for a reason. Just that kind of interrupting barking sounds like the dog is stressed and that’s doggie abuse.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
darwinsmom -’I also agree that I, nor anyone else here need to explain themselves of not trusting everyone, of not wishing to help everyone who shows their nose through. We don’t owe anyone anything’
Absofreakinglutely!
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Hens says:
One, I sure wish you could move to a more peaceful place, sleep deprivation is not healthy (seriously).
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
katy –
the dog is young and poorly trained
the landlord doesn’t care
i am the only one affected (there is no noise conveyance side to side and their is no one above her)
yes, i can take her to the bylaw folks.
i am trying to figure out how to talk it out, though. i am so angry right now, i don’t dare.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
hens – me too. thanks for the good wishes.
i have explained the housing situation in my town. I am trying to save to get a car so that i can get out of the city next year.
it would cost me over $1000 to move, and there is no guarantee that i will get anything better here.
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ErinBrock says:
OH…WELL WELL….look what the golden dragged in….KATYDID…..OH BOY, last night…..SHE SURE DID!!!
Mornen Katy…..Bloody Mary darlen?
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Hens says:
One – That is a good plan, stick to it, your a country girl at heart and I think a place in the country would do wonders for your grouchy disposition.
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ErinBrock says:
One…..Take a breath!!!!!
You KNOW….ya gotta roll with the punches darlen!!!
You’ve got bigger fish to fry!
XXOO
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
hens
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Hens says:
mornin Katy, bacon’s fryin come on over.
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KatyDid says:
EB
I am a morning person and I look the same no matter how many bottles ya take down from da wall. But ifn ya got a Sunday libation, I accept deliveries.
Hens,
I think a place in the country does wonders for EVERYONE. I so miss the stars. We had 2 in rain last week and the night critters were plenty active and happy. My doctura smells so nice (they put off most scent at night). And it’s cool enough to open windows at night. Made a heavenly sleep. Country folk like you and Oxy have done it right. Might be there’s no music or theatre but I kin visit the city for that. Going home to the stars is priceless.
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2TimeSurvivor says:
I’m reading on my phone, as I’m “on island time” today…but, I must say that I’m convinced that there’s more “shame” than the obvious if we don’t recognize the red flags, which I believe EB and other astute LFers have certainly done, corny beer songs, notwithstanding!
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KatyDid says:
BACON! Oh oh oh. YEAH. We LOVE bacon. Kin I bring my dog? She’s VERY happy and very passive to other dogs. What do you need from the city? TP? Irish Spring? I gotta contribute somethun.
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2TimeSurvivor says:
Go, Gardeners!
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ErinBrock says:
2X….it’s only time spent in the ditches. (against Oxy’s good advice)
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darwinsmom says:
Hehe, EB… I just thought… Not gonna let a spath rob me off my sleep. The one that I had in my life for 2 years, did enough of that
“EB: What I find helpful…..when I feel like explaining a ‘situation’ in order to ‘comfort’ another…..STOP. Trouble Will Rogers.
**Especially when I don’t ‘know’ or have developed an ‘honor’ or trust with that person. ”
Yup, that’s when I tell myself… I don’t own anyone anything… except my bank
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ErinBrock says:
YOU GO GIRL!
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ErinBrock says:
.
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ErinBrock says:
.
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ErinBrock says:
.
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Ox Drover says:
Darwin’s mom, sorry to “correct you” but it is “trouble Will ROBINSON,” not Will Rogers, he was a country comic. LOL
)
Yea, you guys had FUN last night even though there was a faker in the area….and you know, I think that is a learning and healing experience too! Just some LAUGHS instead of FEAR is a good thing.
When they are smearing us, attacking us in every way that they are able (in Real Life it is more dangerous than in Cyber-space) we still have to maintain as much NC as possible…and sometimes we are FORCED to have contact with them…but if we limit it as much as possible then we are the winners.
The best revenge, and the thing that infuriates them the most is to BE IGNORED.
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skylar says:
One Joy,
about your dog problem. I’m not sure if I suggested this before, but since you love animals and can’t get your own due to allergies, have you considered walking and training the dog yourself?
If you could train him to follow all your commands, including when to bark and when to be silent, you could actually command him through the walls. I’m sure the dog can hear you through the walls even if you speak in a normal tone.
Take control of the situation, own it, benefit from it.
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darwinsmom says:
Oxy, I quoted EB; I don’t know either men …
Yup, I experience the ‘exposure’ in that way… as a way to put them into perspectives when they are not a part of my life anyway, as well as how far I go, where are my boundaries.
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Ox Drover says:
Oh, well, Darwin’smom, I’ll have to rag EB about her misquotes! LOL Will Rogers was one of my favorite philosophers as well as a comic…Will Robinson was a character on a 50s or 60s TV show about outer space, and there was a robot who said “DANGER, Will Robinson” to alert this character (a 10 yr old kid) to danger…I’m not sure EB is old enough to remember the show either….LOL Just goes to show you the “generation gap” in our quotes. LOL
Wonderful day! Sunshine and 75, low humidity and the leaves are glorious, and when the wind blows just a little they come down like falling colored snow!
It is amazing just how much the sunshine and wonderful weather lift my spirits! I think I must have a SOLAR CHARGER somewhere in my emotions that lifts my mood! Think I will take a drive up to the mountains (well, what WE call “mountains” anyway, they are just steep hills really!) and see the fall foliage in its finest coat!
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
sky – no, i couldn’t be around the dog. big hairy beast would kill my allergies. and truly i would rather throttle it.
i am trying to write her a letter. my bedroom window is directly on the path to the stairs (and under the porches):
Dear X,
I know you probably don’t realize this but I am regularly woken up when tenants or their friends have conversations under my bedroom window, smoke going past my window (allergic asthma), speak loudly in the parking lot or on the porches.
I go to bed early so I would really appreciate your consideration, by either using the front entrances at night or making a few considerate changes when using the back entrances after 10 pm.
I am regularly woken by XY barking – three times last night: a 1 am, 3 am and then 8 am this morning. The night before at 12:45 and 10 other times since you moved in.
I know he is a young dog, and I realize you are still training him, but his barking is harassing (especially when you have people over and he barks during the period of their visit), and at night, it is not tolerable. He never barks when you are not home, so it is directly linked to wanting your attention.
His jumping around is becoming louder as he gets bigger. I know that some of this ‘exuberance’ can be mitigated by training, and some of it can’t be. I don’t expect it all to be, but he has to become better mannered. If you need help getting a handle on his training puppy school would be useful.
I would appreciate the opportunity to speak to you about this.
—————–feedback greatly appreciated. what i can tell you about her is that she is selfish, is trying to pretend that there is no problem, has NO control over the dog (i saw him walking HER the other day), and has just moved from a house where her dog’s noise would bother no one. I am also going to give her a paper about the echo enhancing qualities of our flooring.
I HAVE to do something.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear One,
Over all pretty good letter….here is how I would shorten it….remember she is not going to be reading this with an open mind, me thinks. Also form it in the tone of “request” rather than demands AT THIS POINT.
“Dear X,
I know you probably don’t realize this, but I am FREQUENTLY (instead of regularly) woken up when tenants or their friends have conversations under my bedroom window. When they smoke out there smoke comes in my window and I have allergic asthma which makes me quite ill. When people speak loudly in the parking lot or on the porches late at night it also wakes me up.
I go to bed early because I have to get up early for work, so I would really appreciate your consideration. Would it be possible for you to either use the front entrances at night or help me by keeping down noise when using the back entrances after 10 pm?
I really like dogs, but I am also regularly woken by XY barking – three times last night: a 1 am, 3 am and then 8 am this morning. The night before at 12:45 and 10 other times since you moved in.
I know he is a young dog, and I realize you are still training him, but his barking is a problem for me (especially when you have people over and he barks during the period of their visit), and at night, it is intolerable. He never barks when you are not home, so I THINK it is directly linked to wanting your attention.
I’d really like to talk to you so maybe we can come to a compromise that solves my problems.”
GOOD LUCK, I can only imagine how irritating this is.
How are other things going? How is your mom? If you posted that information I am sorry I missed it, with the chaos of yesterday and the day before with the trolls, etc. and me being gone last night til late…I could easily have missed any updates. (((hugs)))
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skylar says:
hmm…
I’m not gonna hold my breath that this will change things for you, but as you said, Have to do something. How about also recording the sounds of both the dog and the people as they sound in your bedroom window? Maybe a video camera would also help capture the smoke as it drifts in your window.
In any case, having the recordings would be something to show the landlord and sending copies of these to the neighbor would show her that you are very serious.
Melatonin helps me sleep through some noises. I can totally relate, being a light sleeper myself.
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ErinBrock says:
There she goes….causing trouble with my quotes again!
Oh Oxy……
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
thanks for the feedback oxy – hard sell with me to get to ‘asking’, but i need to find the tone that does that, but isn’t a grovel (because i would like to pummel both her and the dog at this point).
yes sky – i am not holding my breath either. and no, i am not going to buy something to record the noise, because the landlord doesn’t care. he is of no use. i do not need recordings – just a journal to take it to by law. but i have to try it via communication first – because she is not a spath, and i want a better, not adversarial relationship. although that might not be possible as she probably doesn’t give a shit either. when they were talking under my window at 3 fucking am – literally 15 feet from my head her bf response was ‘we’re going now’ – not, ‘oh, i am sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you.
i am so angry today i stupid.
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Hens says:
Dear X = I would like to know what time you sleep so I can sound my tornado siren and wake you and your barking ass dog up.
as always
your sleep deprived neighbor
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skylar says:
I like Hens’ letter the best.
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ErinBrock says:
One….
you’ve tried different aproaches with differnt neighbors…..remember what worked and what didn’t.
Getting angry doesn’t work.
Kill em with kindness…..
I don’t think any aproach of anger will work for you to get the end result you desire.
Think of the end result darlen!
When I had a rental…..(before I moved into it!)…..my neighbor said to me one time….EB, you have the greatest tenents. (He also rented his place, but with less luck). He asked what I do differently.
I stepped back and thought about it…..
We advertised with the same outlet…..we charged the same rates etc…..so much was the same.
THe only difference was….I had PERSONAL contact with each tenent before they moved in.
I offered up my ‘services’ of the area, recommendations for restaurants, ski resort deals and always had a nice floral arrangement waiting for them with the lights and heat on upon their arrival.
I found over time……most people had a hard time ‘screwing’ somoene who was nice to them and cared about their coomfort. (NOw….ofcoarse that doesn’t work 100% of the time…..and wouldn’t if a spath felt the need to screw me….) BUT, my property was always left in great condition (vacation rental), dishes done, towels and sheets collected and put by laundry…..and they came back again and again.
It was easy for me to be nice to them….no skin off my back….and in the end…..my property respected….that was all I wanted.
So…..Maybe you can ‘befriend’ her….or at least have tea with her and then……lead into a nice, friendly discussion about how you lose sleep and how it affects your days.
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Hens says:
put some poison in the tea – [ Fight fire with fire.]
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ErinBrock says:
OH MY…..Simmer hens…
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Hens says:
Did you read my latest bumper sticker One? SPEAK YOUR MIND, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE TREMBLES..
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Hens says:
delete
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skylar says:
Hens,
as much as I like your letter, I actually agree with EB.
Ask yourself, “what would skylar’s spath do?”
LOL!
He would make friends with them first, THEN PUT POISON IN THE TEA.
But anyhoo, people are used to fighting with their neighbors, it’s an age old tradition. The one who has the best adrenal glands is gonna win. One, that means you’ve already lost. So you have to try a tactic that you have the means with which to win.
The comment, “we’re leaving now” says it all. They just don’t care about you and you have to make them care.
Another thought. How about a sign on your bedroom window? “Shhhh…. Please keep quiet after 10PM, your neighbor is sleeping.” and another one “no smoking within 15 feet of this window please”
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