Victor or victim after the sociopath is gone
PDF In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery – to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
Wini says:
DO NOT BELIEVE “THEY” THE ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They know exactly what they are doing. They know and play the legal system to the hilt. Why not use your credit cards … they get what they want for doing nothing but smiling to your face, sleeping with you (aka the Bible calls them Who–es) and Who–es are exactly what they are. Getting for free anything they want. For the courts not to address this is a disgrace. Get off your butts and put these folks in ORANGE jumpsuits and stop the nonsense. The jerks know how to play the system. They know what to say to the police, the courts, the attorneys. Hey, today, the some of the attorneys are just as guilty pulling their crap on the unsuspecting innocent party. They all give everyone lip service. Fluff – no substance backing any of their words or actions. And, yes, they do size up their victims before they get involved with anyone. Are you a giver? Are you responsible? Are you financially secure? Are you honest? Hey, they can’t be with someone just like themselves … can’t get anything from another user out there. They have to find a “giver”. Opposite of them. They, what we call anti-socials are really selfish, self absorbed, self centered parosites … and they make the system go round and round. Why stop them? They’d be out of a job. All at the expense of the efficient, decent, loving, kind, considerate folks in this country. And, there is nothing wrong with them or their brains … that’s just an act so they can claim they have a problem when the courts finally get around to throwing them in prison for a few years. They go to church, they read the Bible, they understand and know the rules of society and they do care … only when it comes to them and them only. What’s in life for them? Me, myself and I. You want to see emotions, put a camera on them when they are crying for themselves cause a judge finally sentenced one of them for several years behind bars. Leave them in a room after the judge announces sentencing … with a camera running and you’ll see the tears flowing down their faces. So, they feel – they just know ahead of time they are going to use you for everything you ever worked for before you even met them. Why do the 9 to 5, 5 or 6 days a week to buy a car? They can get a car for free from you. Why do the 9 to 5, 5 or 6 days a week to go on vacation? They can get a vacation and take all their friends with them … and you without knowing it at the time are paying for everything. It comes down to selfishness, self centered, self absorbed … learning this from childhood. Getting away with lying to their parental figures, their siblings, teachers, friends, relatives. It’s step by step from childhood pushing and testing the waters what people will believe and what they need to refine. Their isn’t any “critical” abnomalities to them. They know exactly what they are doing from a young age. Hey, if no one takes the time to correct them and just allow them to get away with lies – guess what? They don’t have to walk the righteous paths in life. They don’t have to do what the average Joe Schmoes out there have to do. They don’t have to jump through any of the hoops – they just lie through their teeths to everyone and anyone and get what they want anyway. Hey, why have to put effort into doing what you want and where you want to get – when telling a few lies here and there – and no one is the wiser. So yes, society is at fault for not ensuring the checks and balances are in place. Yes, society is at fault for turning the other cheek when it comes to juveniles getting in trouble .. oh, let’s just slap them on the wrist – they don’t know what they are doing … let’s not destroy his/her life, their too young. And what do you think they learned from getting treated easy on the first time they got caught … Oh, I can work the system if I shed a few tears.
Anyway, enough of the courts and law enforcement not taking their crimes seriously. Conning and scamming others in society IS THE NEW CRIME TODAY – all over our country. The elderly are conned out of their savings … young men and women are conned by so called lovers, husbands, wives. Business is conned when they employ them due to all the chaos and smoke screens they create to point the finger at the real workers in the work place so they can get away with not working for a living, stealing the ideas and creativity and hard work of co-workers – getting them fired, demoted, trashed. Wake up people, they know what they are doing … they all know what they are doing. The come in both sexes, all colors, all nationalities, all religious affilations, all walks of life, young and old alike … they are the people who want to use and abuse others to get what they want and their is nothing, absolutely, nothing wrong with them mentally except that they are spoiled, self centered, self serving BRATS that couldn’t get mommy to powder their butts 24 hours/day because some younger brother or sister was born after them … and mommy didn’t have time to dot on them, them, them. Hence, that’s the time these little users go from being “humble” to living in their big “EGOs”. Erasing God Out … believing in themselves as the little gods that they think they are instead of staying humble and realizing their is a creator and it isn’t the little king or queen of their world.
So, back to the drawing boards at looking at them as the spoiled, self centered brats that they are. That’s the only anti-social label they really all have. Brats.
Peace.
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Allure says:
Good article.
I wasn’t involved with the sociopath with whom I got entangled. I worked with him. And the first day I met him, I got that gnawing feeling that something wasn’t right with him, and stayed away for a long time. But then when working with him, he was very nice to me; complimentary, flirtatious, helpful, and I figured I had been incorrect.
I wasn’t incorrect. I watched him bully the entire department around, obstruct people from getting their work done by not giving them important information, and then swooping in and looking like the savior. He was lazy and manipulative. And yet, completely supported by management. They were afraid of him. Before I saw all of this, I made a flagrant pass at him- thought he was the man of my dreams- intelligent, funny, artistic-hah! A few weeks after I expressed my interest in him, he picked a fight and started screaming in front of the whole department. It was never right after that, and I discovered that he did this with everyone in the department-picking fights and blaming all the ills on them. After a couple of years, we had another disagreement about something, and he was very verbally abusive about it, and I wrote to his manager about it. The sociopath countered with sexual harassment- that I had expressed interest in him and he had rejected me, and this was my way of getting back at him. It was disproved of course, but it was very embarassing.
I figured he had no impulse control, and that he did this every three or four months because of some chemical imbalance. But then, after FOUR YEARS, enough people had complained about him, and he went on notice.
He was quiet as a mouse after that, so that proved he did have the impulse control, he just enjoyed doing it.
They finally laid him off, but not because of his behavior. Now some other company has to deal with him. They have my pity.
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James says:
“In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.”
I believe this is what needs to happen. Either you stay a victim or learn heal and move on to become a survivor. Staying a victim of a sociopath will only keep you from healing. Which I am sure just what any ex P wants. So it is the most important for us to heal and move on to become free and a true survivors!
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Mystic, thanks, yeah I blocked him. He can keep the friggin’ money .. it wasn’t much anyway. Today for the first time EVER, he sent me a forwarded e-mail. He is trying to keep me in his circle, he does this to all his exes which is why he has such a lovely little fan club. I blocked his e-mails as well.
I was thinking over what Wini wrote above about money. It’s a funny thing, but my first husband who was EXTREMELY sociopathic to the point where his personality resembles that of a serial killer, never wanted me to work much. I think after the kids were born he wanted to make sure I was home with them all the time so he could take off for days, but before that.. I wonder. He is a workaholic and never tried to get anything from me financially.
Instead, he played this weird little game with me through our entire marriage. It went something like this:
He worked wherever and whenever he wanted. It did not make any difference to him how many times we had to make a difficult move in the middle of a school year. He would quit a job the week before Christmas, etc. We were in constant crisis mode because of the job changes. Because of this, we were always late on bills, always behind for one reason or another. Then he would hide most of his paycheck, spend it on some expensive trinket, or simply stay away from home until it was gone.
He really doesn’t mind working, he prefers to work overtime, weekends and holidays. So his paychecks have been really nice. But how we lived, you would never know.
Now, the worst part of the game. Because of our money problems, I was always put in the position of trying to get him to pay the bills and do right with his money. He would put me in this position, then he would be very angry with me all the time. He made me be “mommy” so he could rebel against me. I really think this had something to do with his horrible relationship with his majorly enabling mom.
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mysticmud says:
Away for a few days in Scotland from tomorrow, so wont be on – I will be back to catch up though. No Marie he was not from the North, but as yours he never calls his family or even his parents, his mother is in hospital on the Isle of Wight and I have been over there twice in the last few months to see them, and he hasnt even called – completely heartless!! May be able to post tomorrow morning before my flight to Scotland, hope so , I havent even had time to read that great article by Wini properly yet.
Kat – yes mine was and is a workaholic too, and works on impulse, no thought as to what he is doing is right or not. He lost all his money from his house. Take care all, and see ya’ll soon, take care one and all Anne xx
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Marie says:
Have a good time in Scotland Anne, I have never been but I have heard that it is beautiful there. What you said about exN not visiting his mother in hospital is so typical of these guys, mine told me that he hated his mother. He never had a good word to say about her, or anyone else for that matter. Yes they are completely heartless.
Wini, excellent post, that sums up exN totally. I had chills running up and down my spine as I read. If only they weren’t allowed to get away so easily with abusing decent people. To be abused in such an underhand way is extremely upsetting. To have our trust betrayed and know that the r/s was all a lie is so hard to come to terms with. Yes they are Brats, spoiled, nasty, selfish, mean Brats who will continue to abuse unless the law gets tough and locks them up where they belong.
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Beverly says:
Wini, I really like your insights into the sociopaths. I agree, they know what they are doing, they know how their behaviour works, because they have done it before with others. My exN KNEW it wouldnt last between us, because i suspect that every woman he has pulled begins to realise that underneath that masculine suave mask, is an obnoxious man -that is why he didnt invest in the relationship, he knew it wouldnt last.
Good to see you back Wini. ((hugs))
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mysticmud says:
Hi guys, back from Scotland-it was lovely! I dont think I gave HIMSELF more than a cursory thought when I was away only to think that he didnt have the soul to appreciate all the wonderful natural things I saw such as owls,deer,beautiful lochs (lakes) and coastal scenery. He used to pretend to see beauty in nature but it was all a con as he would never suggest going anywhere beautiful, but just wanted to sit indoors watching TV or in my garage where he had set up a “studio”.Beverly hi – every word of your last post is true for me too, they know only too well they cannot sustain a relationship, and after a time the woman sees through these people.
I really feel I am moving on now and feel confident with doing stuff on my own (he never wanted to do anything with me anyway), so my next step is never to feel down or depressed about the break-up – it was doomed from the start anyway – so the only way is onward and up!
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Beverly says:
Dear Mysticmud. Welcome back. I went to Scotland in Feb this year to Loch Awe – and it was as awesome as you describe – such wild beauty. You are also sounding positive – the break did you good?
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mysticmud says:
Yes Beverly it did do me good, life is beautiful isnt it? The only blot on the landscape is you know who, and he is fading out of sight…..I may still get bad times but I am definitely moving forward!
How are you though ? How are you coping and how are you feeling?
PS picked up another couple of suits from the cleaners today so I can get on with selling them! Hope you are coping….hope to hear soon take care
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Beverly says:
Yes Mysticmud. Life is beautiful. Glad to hear that he is moving more of a distance out of your life – me too. I see my exN around the town and I get the jitters, but I totally ignore him. Ive been bidding on THAT auction site too. Good to hear from you Mysticmud.
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mysticmud says:
Thanks Beverly for your kind words – glad you are moving on too – I think you know as I do that we were the “normal” ones in our relationships and they had the problem.You have to wonder why sociopaths dont want a lasting relationship – I suppose they are so wrapped up in themselves they cant see the other person as a separate entity. What still hurts is the thought that , to him, “It just didnt work out” or “its one of those things” (if he thinks of me at all, that is!), and he probably thinks of me as he used to describe his ex-wives, always negative and stupid, boring etc etc. I have it on good authority that they were nice ladies, as I feel I am. He would never feel it was his fault!
Anyway, since he has gone, I now have many more friends than I used to have, its given me a good whack up the backside and got me out doing things such as social clubs, walking groups, photographic club, nature walks and talks, and on and on ( I fit a fulltime job in there somewhere too). I think this is crucial to healing. We seem to have taken over this blog for now, not intentionally folks, and apologies! PS Beverly if you want to email I am on anne@awayfromitall.co.uk
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Beverly says:
Thanks Mysticmud. Im over most of it and Ive been clear of him nearly a year. Like Henry, I still think about him most days – which peeves me. I wish I could meet someone else, even if it is to give me something else to think about!! I have seen the ex in the local pub rather alot recently, which possibly signifies that he has split from the next gf. But there is no danger of him approaching me – he did too much damage and would have to explain alot too!!
I will email you very soon.
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rperk6069 says:
Beverly,
Sometimes it seems like a nice dream to meet someone new, as you said, if nothing else to give you something else to think about and of course to remind yourself that you are attrative and loveable. I have a hard time putting my opinion out there, but I will tell you what I did. I met someone new, great guy, (long story) but I was not done healing yet so he just distracted me from what I needed to do for myself. I know it gets lonely, I know it’s hard to go thru the days and nights alone but I believe that is what is needed to heal especially if you are still thinking about the P/S. For me personally, I just ended up hurting myself more, but I also hurt someone else in the process which made things worse for me. Take Care. Rita
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Beverly says:
Yes, thank you (R)perk6069. Of course you are right. Healing takes time to happen thoroughly and properly. Its just, my neighbour was widowed and has a new man, and when you are single you see couples everywhere!! I know that God is guiding my healing and everything will happen in its own good time. Thank you for bringing me back to that understanding.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Perky,
I totally agree with you on that post! That’s one reason right now if someone did bounce into my life, I still don’t think I am “ready” yet to be distracted from the healing. I think I’m “getting close”–but sometimes that is an illusion too, and someting sets me back a step or two/ I also know that in my age group there are not that many guys out there single that I would be interested in —even, baked, on a platter, with an apple in their mouth!— so if it happens, it does, and if it doesn’t that’s okay too.
Maybe we should just start a group home so none of us have to live by ourselves! LOL Ya;ll come to my place, I’ve got 120 acres and lots of room to walk in the woods! Henry, you can be our resident gardener! Then in the summer time, all us gals will go to Scotland where the weather is cool, and leave Henry here to take care of the gardens and “jar” all our food, we’ll only be gone a couple of months Henry and then we’ll be back–when it gets cold in the winter, you can take off a couple of months and go to Florida. LOL
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rperk6069 says:
Oxy, good plan…!!! I could do the books and order your appliance parts…haha.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
I wanna come Oxy, especially to Scotland.
I am still battling that empty hollow ache every night.
I think I am finally getting the point of NC. With NC, all the horrible happenings are in the past, they are bad memories. But if you keep speaking to them, then there are always new things to feel bad over, not just memories.
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takingmeback says:
Ooh Oxy can I come too? I don’t know what I can contribute. But you know me. I can wing it! LOL
Kat, good insight. I never thought of it that way. NC prevents adding more to the heaping pile of crap left behind in their wake. Those bad memories. I recall telling the S once that I didn’t want to meet up with him at the place we had planned. It was one of my favorite places and I didn’t want it marred for me. There were already bad memories attached to other places that I never wished to return to again. For Pete’s sake! Why didn’t I listen to myself and get rid of him then? Anyhow, I have since returned to these places and taken them back. Made new memories with people I love (and who love me) to replace the old ones.
Please be true to yourself Kat. Eventually the hollow ache will fade away altogether and turn into a calming peace. That can and will change. They won’t.
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OxDrover says:
Kat!!!!! RIGHT ON!!!! Yes, NC keeps the BAD in the PAST.
Yes, of course you can come! Everyone on LF is welcome! We’ll have a great community of AMAZONS and POWERFUL PEOPLE—No Ps allowed!
There are huge lakes where Aloha can sail near here, and mountains and deltas, and rivers to canoe, cliffs to climb, and all sorts of recreation areas close by. Bev can pick us out a wonderful place to spend summers in Scotland and we’ll fly there in our private 747 Jet (when we get rich!) We’ll have a P-free environment! Hummmmmmm, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a totally P-free life from here on? But you know, even without the wall around the farm, or my own private 747, or a summer home in Scotland, I am determined to have a P-free life wherever I am! My own little bubble of contentment surrounding me like a protective shield that glows bright RED when a P comes into the area. LOL
Takingmeback, I know what you mean about “making new memories” in places that they have polluted. While the Trojan HOrse P was here, I felt like there was a BLACK CLOUD over the farm, I couldn’t even stand to come here or be here, and for several months after he was in jail, I still couldn’t bring myself to move back here. That “feeling” of pollution is leaving, and I am starting to feel better about being here, the feeling of sanctuary is coming back too. I still don’t like to go too close to my mother’s house though, it is still “contaminated” emotionally for me now. That’s not the right word, but I can’t think of a better one. There is so much pain associated with that house still. My little “hole in the woods” though feels safe and secure though.
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takingmeback says:
Oxy, I find it amazing how God works in our lives when we pay attention to him, listen and follow. Everything I felt a need to do in my recovery has since been validated in books, devotionals, sermons, etc.
I felt a need early on to take back all that had been taken from me by the S. Much like taking back that which Satan steals from us. I refused to allow the S to taint anything which I had once loved. Like In Vivo Desensitization I forced myself back to places that hurt so badly to be at. To pray in the very spots were ugly things were said to me, where I felt suicidal for the first time in 17 years, where he laughed at me when I cried. I took them back! They would not make me afraid any longer, they would not prevent me from living life abundantly and that territory was mine! Not his, not satan’s, it was givento me by God.
I had a wonderful discussion with a pastor not long after my ordeal. I had been in the hospital following an overdose on my meds, the “peak” of my traumatic experience with the S. He was the pastor who married the S and his late wife. His name came up in prayer and although I didn’t know him I felt called to speak to him. I didn’t know S was an S yet but I was afraid not to obey God and had no idea what to say to this man. But I followed.
This wonderful man of God told me to seek the truth and stay grounded it in. To understand how important geography is to God and to focus on what the S was showing me in the present, not who he was in the beginning. He also shed some light to tell me that the reckless things the S was claiming to do, the things that kept me worried about his safety, were nothing new. He had made the same claims years ago. How validating in learning that this was not me and my doing. It was him.
This man is the pastor of the college both the S and I attended years ago. I had been called back there for a reason just as I had been called back home shortly after the break-up. Since then I have been called to the places that held such bad memories and I’ve made them mine again. I will not fear them.
In the Bible, land was so significant. God promised land to his people. I will not let anything or anyone prevent me from having what God has given me in this lifetime. Be it territory, peace of mind or the ability to have an abundant life. Seeing it as a battle of the mind and a battle against good and evil has allowed me to grow stronger faster than I ever imagined.
I hope in time your mother’s house will represent something new to you. Not a place full of hurtful memories and pain. But one of peace. Wherever you go Oxy you bring your sanctuary with you. I realized this with all my travels recently. Our peace, doesn’t lie in the physical realm. It lies within our spirit. That was a valuable lesson for me to learn. No physical place will keep me away because of what it represents. What it represents in what I attribute to it. I will not fear what’s of this earth, I will be weary though and walk in the truth knowing evil does exist. But my eyes are open and I don’t walk alone. Wherever I go, God is with me and he is talking. My job is to pay attention and to listen.
Lots of Love from your pal Lucy
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OxDrover says:
Dear “Lucy”–LOL
Yes, this farm, which has been in my family for so many generations, was always my sanctuary even as a child. My family moved every several years so it was difficult for me (sort of like military kids have tomove all the time) and though we never moved far, I had to start new schools and make new friends, but we came here often and I spent summers here with my grandparents and my horses and cattle, and it was the one stable thing in my life. I had friends here who were life long, a PLACE that was “mine.”
Though I left here at 18, and literally roamed the world, this was always here–HOME–even after my grandparents were dead and gone, and renters were allowing the place to become a brush pile, it was always a dream to come back here to live. In the early 1990s I did, and it was PEACE here. My husband and I fulfilled our dreams here and were totally contented to the point that if I’d had a “magic wand” I wouldn’t have had a single wish! God blessed me beyond all comprehending! I have an attachment to THIS land, which is watered with the sweat, blood and tears of my ancestors and myself. My husband and I worked hard to rescue this land from the brush and the neglect, to make it a productive farm again, and he had his little air strip in his front yard which he had wanted all his life–every pilot does I guess! Step out the front door and get into your plane and fly off to where ever.
I loved my jobs, my co-workers and my patients. My “garden of eden” my perfect happiness—was invaded by the Ps! They envied what God had blessed me with. They wanted to take it away. At my weakest moments after the death of my husband, which in many ways was a blessing in itself for him, as he did not die a wretched and sick old age with a stroke or cancer (which would have been horrible to him) he died doing what he loved, without a lot of pain for him. I got the chance to be with him to say goodbye. So over all though it WAS traumatic to me, it “could have been worse.” Much worse.
My own “temptation” with the Ps–and me allowing them in to my “Eden”–not heeding the red flags and throwing them out–led to the rest of the chaos. But God didn’t desert Adam and Eve even after “the fall” and he was there for them, and he was here for me. I see the ways in which God has provided for me, but He has allowed me to have “opportunities to learn” lessons that I obviously needed to learn. So it will become a place of contentment again, I am sure.
Places, in and of themselves, are not “Eden” or “hades” but are in our hearts and minds. If we are content, ANY place can be “Eden” or any place can be “Hades.” The Apostle Paul advices people to be “content” WHATEVER your state is–even if you are a slave, be a good slave, and be content if your situation can’t be changed. He says if you CAN change your state, do so, but if you are in a “bind” where you can’t change it, change your way of looking at it, and be content. That’s some heady advice but good advice. I can’t change my mother’s thinking, but I can come to be content ANYWAY. I can’t change the past, but I can just be grateful for the lessons learned and be content that though my life didn’t work out as a “storybook” family, at least I can see the TRUTH now, and be content. My prayers for wisdom have been answered, and maybe that “wisdom” showed me something I didn’t want to see, but I for sure NEEDED TO SEE to be “wise” in any form. One thing about it, lessons learned “the hard way” are NEVER FORGOTTEN.
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mysticmud says:
Well can I come too? My visit to Scotland really seems to have stirred up feelings of “togetherness”- yes you can ALL come to the country estate I visit near Aberdeen (my brother is Head Gardener) -A definite sociopath-free area (come to think of it you can go days without seeing more than a couple of people!) I think this blog is creating something beautiful, dont you? – a positive vibe, a sense of belonging, somewhere we can have a little grizzle, then end up feeling positive!
I am reading the latter posts on my laptop in the garden, in the sunshine so find it hard to read them properly, I promise I will catch up with them when I am inside.
Am I just lucky or what, but I have no problem in re-possessing places I used to go with my ex , that was then, this is now, so I appreciate places for what they are. I dont even worry about ‘his’ armchair or ‘his’ side of the bed, scientific mind I guess. one place I do have a little problem with, is the exact spot on the sea wall near my caravan on the Essex coast where he asked me to marry him. To think I believed it! (he never mentioned marriage again, although it was 18 months later I slung him out!) You know what, apart from that, I feel that when I look back in time, I see a closed door behind me, and that feels good. The only way is forward now with new people. so what do you reckon guys? (that includes females by the way!) love MM (Anne)
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OxDrover says:
Dear Mysticmud,
I think they use the “I want to marry you” as some sort of “hook” to make you think you are “special.” That they “Really care”–BALDERDASH!
Yes, I feel the positive vibes, and I think really, that they are coming from the fact that as we all heal we become more positive. Do more positive things. I am having so many more POSITIVE experiences daily. Getting “satisfaction” out of the simpliest thing.
When we feel negative, down etc. all we can see is the BLACK GLASS in front of our eyes that makes the most beautiful experience or beautiful view look DARK and UGLY. They color our VISION, our thoughts, our feelings. LET THE LIGHT SHINE IN! There is an old song that we used too sing in “Vaction Bible school” called, “This little light of Mine”—”this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, all around the neighborhood, I’m gonna let it shine” A silly little child’s song, but SO TRUE!!! WE need to let our “lights” shine to stamp out the DARKNESS. Darkness is NOTHING, it is the ABSENCE of light. If we shine even a little light, even one candle’s worth, it pushes the darkness away.
In our deepest pain it is diffiuclt to shine that light.
This just made me think of something that happened to my oldest son when he was 11 or 12. He had a nightmare that he was BLIND. He woke up and came running into my room, screaming “Mom, I’m blind” He was Terrified. I turned on the light and he stood there crying that he was “Blind!” I noticed that his EYES WERE CLOSED. I took a lamp and shined it on his closed eyelids (so it would filter thorugh even though his eyes were closed tight) and finally convinced him that his lack of sight was BECAUSE HIS EYES WERE CLOSED—and sometimes I think that is what wehave to do to ourselves, OPEN OUR EYES TO THE LIGHT. We aren’t “blind” to all the good in the world, our eyes are just closed and the Ps have convinced us that we are “blind”—we just need to open our eyes and SEE THE LIGHT. (((HUGS))))
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Beverly says:
Wow, Lucy. What a deep understanding you have earned.
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blondie says:
feel like im going thur a divorce. my x will call and leave me messages like he needs to talk to me so bad, its so important, and like an idot i call back and he has nothing important to really say. he ask how am i, what have i been up to? blah blah. he wanted to come pick me up last night in his car, to talk and see me. i said no. im sure all he wanted was to get me back in his web. for some reason i feel like he thinks this is just a phase im going though. he keeps hoping that im going to change my mind and come back to him and we will work it out. that its my choice that i choose to not be with him….just feeling lost in transistion
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OxDrover says:
Dear Blondie,
My dear Blondie, I know you are hurting, but as long as you keep talking to him you will continue to hurt. Until you get completely AWAY from him, YOU are giving him hope that you will get back with him.
WHY are you talking to him? What “emergency” could be so important? Is he holding your child for ransom? Does he have your dog or cat? You answered your own problem with this “all he wanted was to get me back in his web” Why do you answer? Don’t tell ME the answer to that question, tell the answer to YOURSELF.
I’m so glad that you chose not to be with him, but what does talking to him at all do for YOU? We know what it does for him, it gives him HOPE that he will get you back….think about it. ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS and make the decision to take back CONTROL, with No Contact. It’s the first step to stopping the pain. ((((hugs)))))
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takingmeback says:
Thanks Beverly. I am honestly amazed at what I’ve learned and how each step of recovery I’ve taken was literally led by God. It was later in researching recovery online and finding LF that everything was validated in terms of man’s understanding of the situation. As a result, no one can tell me that God does not exist. Everyone chooses what they will believe but to me God is not a choice, he is the ultimate truth. God led me out me of the darkness and continues to lead me further still into more light than I could imagine. This experience has been such a significant part of my testamony.
God is awesome and faithful and our part is to listen to him and to believe without doubt. There are many things I was called to do that in the moment did not seem to make sense. But as I followed I was amazed over and over again at what God showed me. If we seek the truth he will show us. If we ask with 100% faith and belief, he will answer. Sometimes the answer is not what we were looking for. So I try to wipe away any expectations and be open to what God wants me to see. It has been an incredible experience. Humbling and painful, but freeing and beautiful in the end.
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takingmeback says:
Blondie, when the S would start pursuing me again it was always following my setting up of boundaries and taking back control. To tell him I wanted time and distance to think about what I wanted was like a cue to him to start paying me more attention. I felt like I had more control of the situation when that would happen. So when I’d respond to his efforts at contact and start to re-engage with him he took that as a sign that I was back and would start the game of withdrawal and abuse again.
It is all a game. Don’t be fooled to think his attempts to contact you, which seem so dire on his part, is anything positive. As Oxy noted and you said yourself, it is to draw you back into his web. It is manipulation. The only way to save yourself from further pain and abuse is to disengage entirely. To love yourself more and honor yourself by ending it.
Being contacted by the S may temporarily feel good. For once you have the attention turned back on you. It feels that you have some control. You might think, maybe he does really care about me. But it’s all manipulation. The real control you have is to end it. He is a master at deception. Please don’t give him a thing. Not even the privilege of hearing your voice answering the phone. Or responding to email. Nothing. When you do he knows you care or, at least, thinks you do. He is gaining more ground when that happens.
As Oxy said, spend time thinking about why you respond to him. What are you feeling? Is it hurting or helping the situation? Does it keep you confused? Does it give you false hope? Please stay grounded and remind yourself of what has taken place that has led you this point.
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blondie says:
i guess im somewhat lonely. he is all i knew for two years. i guess i sometimes feel like what is it going to hurt if i call him back. maybe im hoping he has something different to say. im used to him gone, so when he does call i find it odd. then i feel like well now im on the other end of stick and he is calling me but telling his new gf and friends that he doest contact me. that is what he was doing to me, contacting the ex girlfriend before me sayin who knows what.
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henry says:
Ok Blondie Big Brother Henry is going to talk at you. First off the above post from Takingmeback is so wonderfully expressed. Thank’s TMB. Blondie Blondie Blondie…He is still driving that CAR! he is trying to keep you on the hook with promises of this and that. Trying to keep you sedated with “confusion”. He is buying himself “car assurance”….by being a nice heart- dead liar. Blondie “M” has been gone over four month’s. I have no contact. I got his car out of my name, off my insurance. It gave me such a sense of relief when I cut the “Vehicle Drama” out of the equation….Blondie I understand !!!! your pain and lonliness and missing him. I still think that “might be mike” when I hear a vehicle coming up the gravel road. My screwed up confused 53 year old gay brain think’s it “NEEDS” a mike fix….Those mike fixes would just be to dang painful to go through now that my 53 year old brain, has had to be boiled and pickled and reprogramed to realize “Blondie you are letting him use you” and you know it. You tell us that you know it..please please please get that car back or out of your name…cut all ties with him..ok I am through hope I wasn’t to HARSH!!!!!!
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blondie says:
henry, thanks…i got my car back, so he doest have it. he has another car. we have no more ties. just thinking too much today
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henry says:
OH I am sooo glad to hear that, sorry I jumped your bones….I have been wondering about the car drama,,, be good to blondie..
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henry says:
It just doesn’t stop. Not only was he hooking up online, cruising around all the time, bringing guy’s to my house, I have now learned two of my good friend’s shared him with me as well…. I am such a blind idiot..what a fool I am..I deserve all this…………..
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry!!!
I’m so sorry you not only were betrayed by the psychpath M but by two of your “friends” as well—what a kick in the teeth.
NO, HENRY!!! You do NOT deserve to be cheated on, lied to and betrayed by those you loved and trusted…none of us do!
But look–you found out that your “friends” weren’t your friends, and you got a NEW INURY—and when you are still raw to start with, and get another one, it is a “double whammy” and hurts all the more. (((((Henry)))))
Cut these A–h–es out of your life too, Henry! They don’t deserve you for a friend. They deserve someone like M. You didn’t lose any REAL friends, just your illusion that these jerks were your friends! Hey, you want me to get my skillet and come bonk them on the heads! They deserve that at the very least—but it wouldn’t do any good, their heads are too hard, they might break my skillet. ((((Henry))))xooxox
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henry says:
oxy thank you i guess it tells me I need to change everything about me. I feel like if I admit I am codependent and had (any) responsibility in this nitemare. It is letting him off the hook. I have never been so decieved in my life. I guess if Hannibal Lector showed up at my door I would just hand him the salt and pepper and crawl in the oven………….
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
Hey, Bro! I have probably earned the title “poster child (er-ah, Poster old lady)” for Co-dependent so you aren’t alone in this gig. I am just changing THAT part, not “everything” about me. 99.9% of what and who I am my entire life is AWESOME, but this one little thing screwed up the rest—I don’t need to change anything except my freaking ATTITUDE. I don’t need to fix anyone else…just this one little tineeey tiny thing about how I act, but NOT who I AM. I AM WONDERFUL! And, Henry the 8th, you are, you are TOO!
I don’t need the drama, the pain, the worry, the anxiety, the misery to have an “interesting” life. BORING is NOT BORING! Just like my friend with the crushed spine. I can’t help him, and it isn’t my responsibility to rescue him from himself. I offered HELP, he wanted ENABLING and I dont’ do that any more. I set boundaries, he crossed them…I stood up for myself, and in the end, I stood up for him as well. I love him, and I am so sad that he is screwing up his life, but he is over 21 and it is not my responsibility to be his mama. I don’t need an angry 50 year old teenager to cope with.
All I had to do was cut the crap and change my attitude about who and what I am responsible for. Now, let’s see—my kids are all over 21, nope, not responsible for them. I’m not the power of attorney for my mama, don’t wanna be, and not responsible for her either, so, you know, that ONLY LEAVES ME that I’m responsible for. Let’s see who I am responsible TO—neighbors? Nah, they don’t pay my bills. The law? Nope, I’m not violating any laws I know of. My kids? Well, they say I am but you know how dumb kids are—nah, I’m not responsible to them either—Friends? Nope, they don’t pay my bills either. So I guess that just leaves God, and as long as I am doing my best for Him, I think I’m okay there. I’m 21, free and responsible for myself and responsible to myself and my God. What else is there?
Henry, you’ve been “fooled” by some FALSE FRIENDS, and you’ve let yourself stay in a relationship you knew was bad, but I’ve done the same thing, only RINSED AND REPEATED with more Psychopaths than you have. But Henry, that is all in the PAST—you are doing your best (and that’s pretty darn good, if I do say so–proves what a cuppla clunks with a good iron skillet will do for you! LOL) and those days are behind you. Just write these jerks off and in the future keep your eyes open for people who don’t have the SAME MORAL COMPASS that you do, and AVOID them.
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mysticmud says:
Hi guys, not sure how important God is to my recovery, guess I am more liable to believe in the power of the human mind and emotions than to credit a supreme being for the progress I have made. Acknowledging each little step of recovery should be a big help to all of us – none of us stand still emotionally, we all have good days and bad days – why not bask in the glory of each little step forward – it helps the old healing! And you know what ? After chucking him out in mid-April, I can say that of this moment I couldnt care less what he is doing, who he is with, or how much if any money he is making, and I intend to hold that thought and keep it with me when I am feeling less positive. I take full credit for how far I have come, I dont need to look to religion for that.
Its clear that some of us need that comfort and that is fine too, we can all see that we all find our own ways to cope and grow-just keep on growing forward and away from the abuser – leave him to struggle in his immature way, why care about him – this is about YOU and your healing.
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mysticmud says:
Is there anybody out there?
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OxDrover says:
Hello Mystic mud, I’m here. What’ya need gal?
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Frost says:
I have been helped so much just knowing I am not alone. I am 52 years old and I have spent the last 16 years with a sociopath. It is so helpful reading all the painful comments. I hurt so bad, I have two kids and a week before Christmas my sociopath walked out the door and moved in with someone else ready to pay his bills. Someone new that believes his every word. I stopped listening to his lies a long time ago. I believe that he needs someone to believe his lies to make them truths in his head.I am so angry I tend to push him, my kids fear I will push him so far I will end up hurt. I had no idea there so many people out there in my situation. Thank you all…
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Frost says:
What deeply saddens me is that I cant “fix” this. It does not exist. It was 16 years of lies, so unlike putting the broken pieces of a tea cup together, none of the pieces are real.
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shabbychic says:
Hello Frost, I am sorry you have been going through this hurt,
I am so very glad you found this website,
it has help me tremendously!!!
A lot of really good people on this site.
Your second post is very insightful,
and it’s sad, and it hurts, it is hard to even accept.
I hope to hear from you again real soon,
we’re all here to help each other. Welcome.
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Frank Lee Speaking says:
De-humaizing the sociopath was what cured me. I stopped thinking of her as a “she” and instead an “it”, “that”, a “thing” and so on.
The fact is, she wasn’t very human. One of the first things I noticed about her was how feral she was. The sex was great for a while and then it drained my energy. I like to make love, she just want to “f**K*”… She wanted her nipples bit and have sex on a pile of cash in the early days, and as soon as she realized I was not into her concept of sex, she developed this romanitc lady whore persona. Honestly, all she knew about sex before me was from porn.
I also found that thinking back of the outragous things she said helped a lot too. I recall when she found out her mother was dying of terminal cancer we went to the hospital and on the way into the door to meet up with her mother and family she turned and said to me in all seriousness:
“How does one behave in a situation like this?”
Aghast and shocked by such a statement, I wanted to say, but held in, “your’ mother is dying – YOUR MOTHER!!!” Then when she relaized that she said something which shocked me she came back with.
“Well the problem is my family is so dysfunctional…”
Not so, they were all nice, normal and very sad and upset. She was looking at them in the hospital to take cues on how to behave when you mother is dying… Her hugs and comforting was all very staged and devoid of compassion.
Going over these kind of events just made me see the beast for what it was and I got over the lowlife in no time. So I would say de-humanizing sociopaths is really healthy. Was for me. They do not deserve to be understood as people. They are not one of “us”.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Frost – your metaphor is excellent. we often try to put the cup back togehter – like ‘normal’ people would, but the pieces have no substance that resembles a cup.
in my case the ppath created a number of characters (she does this in ALL of her cons, even before the internet I suspect), so one of my great challenges was to dismantle them as ‘real’ also.
thanks for the image; i said ‘wow’ aloud when i read it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
frank lee – your post brings it all together; all the pieces that add up to nothing we understand as people. it is sucha different paradigm to really ‘get’. it’s creepy – like a ‘they walk among us’ scary movie trailer….but THEY really are in the house.
my spath made up so many characters that if you didn’t like one, she had another you would. so a lot of the things everyone here talks about one spath displaying were spread over many characters for me. took a while to get that they were one – then i could see the mask on/ mask off experiences. it also helps that she is all over the internet and i have been able to read her other scams and read about others and how she interacts after being outed. crazy as hell this one. she denies even when caught with her hand in the cookie jar ON VIDEO.
some day she will be only a memory.
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Frank Lee Speaking says:
“some day she will be only a memory. ”
I have already methphorically made dead my sociopath. I even drew a small sketch of a tombstone with her name on it and no flowers, only unkempt leaves lying around and cobwebs. Felt great.
I mean, this is the destiny of all sociopaths. For all their behavior on this earth they will leave no lasting memories and will rot in the ground and be forgotten in a very short time. By drawing that image, I, just in my mind, moved up this event so I could enjoy it sooner.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
frank lee – this is a great idea. i will try it. art heals.
and perhaps i can draw something of all of her dupes over the years – all the one who know who she is and those who are still left shaking their heads, having NO idea what that truck was that screamed through their lives.
knowing that many many people have been damaged by her has opened a wound in my heart that i haven’t dared to relate with directly. but it seems that i am ready now. such evil and pain she has created.
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