Comments on: “Will I ever be the same?” (Part 1) http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/ Wake up to the danger of sociopaths Wed, 08 Feb 2012 07:17:13 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Jorja http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-142727 Jorja Fri, 04 Nov 2011 19:29:28 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-142727 Thank you all. My friends kept saying the same thing..after being single for 2 years, trying to rebuilt my life, they talked me into accepting offers for dates..although I wasnt convinced I was ready. After 6 months I decided I wasnt ready yet, explained this to him and we have remained platonic friends since. I have been single again now for almost 2 years and just started officially "dating" a man a month ago who I have been friends with for over a year. It's only been a month, but instinctively I can feel I am not into him on more than a friendship level and am nt ready to make any committments. I guess because I dont have much of a social life due to being a single parent, having no family nearby to help waatch my son so I can go out with the girls, and not having family near to spend time with...the lonliness has pushed me into convincing myself that if I dont make myself available to a relationship then I will never meet someone I fgeel safe with and trust. I think you are right though....I am not ready for a sexual dating relationship...although I try to convince myself I am, my heart is not in it. I think this weekend while my son is (unfortunately) with his father), I need to do some real self evalaluation and talk to this person about my feelings about staying friends and not dating right now. If I had more of a social life and had family to spend time with the loneliness would not be an issue...perhaps I need to focus on finding a way to make this happen first...baby steps to allowing myself to be open to trusting a man again. Thank you all.
My friends kept saying the same thing..after being single for 2 years, trying to rebuilt my life, they talked me into accepting offers for dates..although I wasnt convinced I was ready. After 6 months I decided I wasnt ready yet, explained this to him and we have remained platonic friends since. I have been single again now for almost 2 years and just started officially “dating” a man a month ago who I have been friends with for over a year. It’s only been a month, but instinctively I can feel I am not into him on more than a friendship level and am nt ready to make any committments. I guess because I dont have much of a social life due to being a single parent, having no family nearby to help waatch my son so I can go out with the girls, and not having family near to spend time with…the lonliness has pushed me into convincing myself that if I dont make myself available to a relationship then I will never meet someone I fgeel safe with and trust.

I think you are right though….I am not ready for a sexual dating relationship…although I try to convince myself I am, my heart is not in it.

I think this weekend while my son is (unfortunately) with his father), I need to do some real self evalaluation and talk to this person about my feelings about staying friends and not dating right now.

If I had more of a social life and had family to spend time with the loneliness would not be an issue…perhaps I need to focus on finding a way to make this happen first…baby steps to allowing myself to be open to trusting a man again.

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: Ox Drover http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-142713 Ox Drover Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:06:50 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-142713 Darwinsmom, Good post to jorja! Well said! Darwinsmom,

Good post to jorja! Well said!

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: darwinsmom http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-142694 darwinsmom Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:52:25 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-142694 Hi Jorja, It's inconceivable for me to date. But I restarted my social life by meeting friends, going out with friends or environments where I know I will meet likeminded people. Couple of months ago, I went to the pub with my best friend, who I had neglected the past years except for a meeting every few months (and then we stayed at home). We laughed so hard, like in the old days, that I realized how long ago that was. I was still not healed though, and for a major part felt worse in the ensuing months... I finally made my first real breakthrough couple of weeks ago, able to put myself as I was the past half year (and before) into perspective. I regained some self-trust and a plan how to make my environment more controllable again so that I could feel safer and securer about myself. Nothing to do with spaths all that much, but structuring my life, prioritizing, doing what needs to be done even if I didn't feel like it, and preparing myself more. I could see immediate positive results returning from my environment. And since a week I'm even feeling a daily happiness, rather than just joyful moments that contrast the dark days. But I know that dating would be too soon for me. I'd get majorly triggered and I don't trust myself yet to date, neither a spath nor a genuine normal man. The risk at being triggered is too big still, and I'll be very distrustful. It sounds to me, you may have pushed yourself into dating while you were totally not ready for it yet. It's not solely our trust in humanity that has been damaged by a spath, but also the trust in ourselves to keep us safe that is damaged. As long as you cannot trust yourself yet to keep yourself safe, you will not be able to trust someone you are dating. A good testing ground though imo are friendships. Go out with the most trustworthy ones and see from there. At least you will laugh, have some fun. It's like our mind and body needs to be reminded again of what it's like to laugh, have fun and let a little bit of our guard down to enjoy the moment. And if you meet an acquaintance or stranger with red flags you can exercise your NC on them: are you able to cut them off, how do you respond to their red flags... out of those meetings you will gain confidence for yourself. Confidence, security and trust in ourselves cannot be built in one day, just like my home wil not be decluttered and sparkling clean in one day. But we can do small babysteps, and step by step, you may discover you have climbed the mountain. Hi Jorja,

It’s inconceivable for me to date. But I restarted my social life by meeting friends, going out with friends or environments where I know I will meet likeminded people. Couple of months ago, I went to the pub with my best friend, who I had neglected the past years except for a meeting every few months (and then we stayed at home). We laughed so hard, like in the old days, that I realized how long ago that was. I was still not healed though, and for a major part felt worse in the ensuing months… I finally made my first real breakthrough couple of weeks ago, able to put myself as I was the past half year (and before) into perspective. I regained some self-trust and a plan how to make my environment more controllable again so that I could feel safer and securer about myself. Nothing to do with spaths all that much, but structuring my life, prioritizing, doing what needs to be done even if I didn’t feel like it, and preparing myself more. I could see immediate positive results returning from my environment. And since a week I’m even feeling a daily happiness, rather than just joyful moments that contrast the dark days. But I know that dating would be too soon for me. I’d get majorly triggered and I don’t trust myself yet to date, neither a spath nor a genuine normal man. The risk at being triggered is too big still, and I’ll be very distrustful.

It sounds to me, you may have pushed yourself into dating while you were totally not ready for it yet. It’s not solely our trust in humanity that has been damaged by a spath, but also the trust in ourselves to keep us safe that is damaged. As long as you cannot trust yourself yet to keep yourself safe, you will not be able to trust someone you are dating. A good testing ground though imo are friendships. Go out with the most trustworthy ones and see from there. At least you will laugh, have some fun. It’s like our mind and body needs to be reminded again of what it’s like to laugh, have fun and let a little bit of our guard down to enjoy the moment. And if you meet an acquaintance or stranger with red flags you can exercise your NC on them: are you able to cut them off, how do you respond to their red flags… out of those meetings you will gain confidence for yourself.

Confidence, security and trust in ourselves cannot be built in one day, just like my home wil not be decluttered and sparkling clean in one day. But we can do small babysteps, and step by step, you may discover you have climbed the mountain.

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: Louise http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-142693 Louise Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:41:34 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-142693 Jorja: I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I will never find my way back. I still have all the same symptoms...can't sleep at night, took antidepressants for a short time, but stopped... I watch every single thing people do and say now...I have a lot of anger. I don't date and don't plan on it and have my friends encouraging me to do so. They all say the same thing...don't cut yourself off from the possibilites...you may miss the one because you are being too cautious...blah, blah, blah. I get tired of hearing it. I know what I need to do for me and if I never meet anyone again, that is OK with me. It's almost comforting in a way if that makes any sense...that if I never meet someone I will be free of the drama. Anyway, why do we put so much emphasis on a man in our lives??? That's how we got in this situation to begin with. We need to be happy with ourselves and whatever we have in our own life. It's really just not worth it to me. I guess I am just a jaded old woman now at 48 years old! Jorja:

I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I will never find my way back. I still have all the same symptoms…can’t sleep at night, took antidepressants for a short time, but stopped… I watch every single thing people do and say now…I have a lot of anger. I don’t date and don’t plan on it and have my friends encouraging me to do so. They all say the same thing…don’t cut yourself off from the possibilites…you may miss the one because you are being too cautious…blah, blah, blah. I get tired of hearing it. I know what I need to do for me and if I never meet anyone again, that is OK with me. It’s almost comforting in a way if that makes any sense…that if I never meet someone I will be free of the drama. Anyway, why do we put so much emphasis on a man in our lives??? That’s how we got in this situation to begin with. We need to be happy with ourselves and whatever we have in our own life. It’s really just not worth it to me. I guess I am just a jaded old woman now at 48 years old!

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: Jorja http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-142683 Jorja Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:33:57 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-142683 I still wonder this after 4 years...will I ever be the same? I trust no one. I have a wall around me not letting anyone get close to me. I went through years of taking pills to help me sleep. I for a short term took anti-depressants, but that didnt work. I am skeptical of every word people say to me, I assume everyone is lying and has an alterior motive if they are nice to me. I am not the same fun loving, caring, happy , laughing person I used to be. I miss me. I have dated, and been in a few short term dating relationships since leaving my ex 4 years ago, but never had any real feelings for the people. I was dating just for the sake of dating and becasue I was lonely. The first little white lie I was outta there and left. I see the red flags everywhere with everyone. I am currently dating a man and can't allow myself to be vulnerable and relax around him. I look for any inconsistancy in stories to find the lies becasue I will not allow myself to be conned and used again, especially since my son ( my xpath is his biological father) is now 5 and I do not want him anywhere near someone who might not be genuine and sincere. I have been through therapy, it didnt help, I have taken medications, it didnt help, I have read so many self help books my head spins, I have let time pass hoping it will change, but it hasnt really, except that I sleep some nights. When will I find myself again? I really do miss the person I was but am afraid I will never find her again, or find happiness and love again. I still wonder this after 4 years…will I ever be the same? I trust no one. I have a wall around me not letting anyone get close to me. I went through years of taking pills to help me sleep. I for a short term took anti-depressants, but that didnt work. I am skeptical of every word people say to me, I assume everyone is lying and has an alterior motive if they are nice to me.
I am not the same fun loving, caring, happy , laughing person I used to be. I miss me.

I have dated, and been in a few short term dating relationships since leaving my ex 4 years ago, but never had any real feelings for the people. I was dating just for the sake of dating and becasue I was lonely. The first little white lie I was outta there and left. I see the red flags everywhere with everyone.
I am currently dating a man and can’t allow myself to be vulnerable and relax around him. I look for any inconsistancy in stories to find the lies becasue I will not allow myself to be conned and used again, especially since my son ( my xpath is his biological father) is now 5 and I do not want him anywhere near someone who might not be genuine and sincere.

I have been through therapy, it didnt help, I have taken medications, it didnt help, I have read so many self help books my head spins, I have let time pass hoping it will change, but it hasnt really, except that I sleep some nights.

When will I find myself again? I really do miss the person I was but am afraid I will never find her again, or find happiness and love again.

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: ErinBrock http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-69035 ErinBrock Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:18:34 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-69035 CRS and i was hoping it was her!!! CRS and i was hoping it was her!!!

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: kim frederick http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-69032 kim frederick Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:06:37 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-69032 No. I don't think so. I'm not sure what similarities you're seeing. Alicia is someone who has been severly depressed, having trouble even getting out of bed....living in an area where everyday nshye has to see her x and his new GF... she has posted here in the past as someone who is feeling totally without hope. What made you think of TB? No. I don’t think so. I’m not sure what similarities you’re seeing. Alicia is someone who has been severly depressed, having trouble even getting out of bed….living in an area where everyday nshye has to see her x and his new GF… she has posted here in the past as someone who is feeling totally without hope.

What made you think of TB?

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: ErinBrock http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-69026 ErinBrock Tue, 30 Mar 2010 00:16:51 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-69026 KIM, it was the tone of the above post. KIM, it was the tone of the above post.

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: OxDrover http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-69025 OxDrover Tue, 30 Mar 2010 00:12:19 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-69025 Dear Alicia, I second what Kim said!!! GOOD for you! No one is angry at you, we have all been "crazy" at times with the stress, and so we do empathize with you very much. Take care of YOURSELF and you go to that meeting! You GO!!!! We will be here to cheer you on! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you! Dear Alicia,

I second what Kim said!!! GOOD for you! No one is angry at you, we have all been “crazy” at times with the stress, and so we do empathize with you very much.

Take care of YOURSELF and you go to that meeting! You GO!!!! We will be here to cheer you on! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!

(Report abusive comment)

]]> By: kim frederick http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-69015 kim frederick Mon, 29 Mar 2010 22:54:51 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/23/%e2%80%9cwill-i-ever-be-the-same%e2%80%9d-part-1/#comment-69015 Alicia, Yay. You go Girl. I am sooo proud of you for reaching out. This is the beginning of a new life for you. I am sooo glad that God sent Angels. I remember being very worried about you. You owe it to yourself to follow through on this. I promise you you will start to feel better. It's sooo good to hear from you, and I'm glad you're beginning to want to help yourself. Best of wishes and good luck! Alicia, Yay. You go Girl. I am sooo proud of you for reaching out. This is the beginning of a new life for you. I am sooo glad that God sent Angels. I remember being very worried about you.

You owe it to yourself to follow through on this. I promise you you will start to feel better. It’s sooo good to hear from you, and I’m glad you’re beginning to want to help yourself.

Best of wishes and good luck!

(Report abusive comment)

]]>