As far as I know, she was married for 12 yrs with the father of her two girls and she told me she stayed because of the girls. She also said she had plans well in advance for the day she was going to leave him. Then I know of one other guy she dated for 3 yrs. She said they argued all the time but she said it was because of his drinking. I don’t buy it. I think what he went through is the same thing I did. He is still around in the sense of one of her girls plays softball his girl. So he is around, I met him many times but never asked him anything but always wanted to. I even feel like calling him. Not sure if that is a good idea but there is no friend of my X I can call on to ask anything about her. I’m left removed from her world, her circle of friends, isolated.

Here is something worth noting: My X told me about her 12 yr X that he used to mark chalk on the garage floor to see if she left the house and did other things out of suspicion that she may have been up to something. I just found that out less than a month ago. My X told me that!!! I’d say from middle of March til June I had every suspicion she was up to something. Just nothing she said made sense anymore.

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Last night I spent some time reading through past emails and found so many more clues and red flags. By Jan 18th I was ready to walk. Again by March 12th and so on and so on. It was like the hook you can’t get out of the fishes mouth. She had me hooked, intrigued more or less. I think she became a challenge to me to understand her. Based on my past relationships with 3 women all long term, she acted nothing like them. Things that were easy in the past ones were difficult in this one and vice versa.

I was always puzzled and always trying to figure things out where in past relationships I never felt that way. She was unlike any experience in the past. Very quick wit and funny, we seemed to smile and laugh non-stop in the beginning. The fun was short lived when I became increasingly suspicious that something isn’t right here and too many things are not adding up.

Mainly the things she would txt me. “I love you”, “we are kickass”, “I’m so lucky” etc never seemed to come across when we were together. I take that back, when she was here it was but when I was at her house it wasn’t. The relationship appeared as if she was trying to fit me in on her terms. I commented several times “you are the busiest person I think I ever met” in a sarcastic way. I’m a busy person, was then and I made time no problem. After the first 2 months is just felt as though there was someone else. Like I said earlier, things that were easy in past relationships became so difficult. Natural things that happen when two people are in love.

The constant catching her in lies was getting bad, meaningless lies. For example: She told me early on (Jan) she had to help her boss set up quickbooks for the lady she worked for part time at a mortgage company and also owned the bar she worked a few nights at. She was also part time at a small CPA firm, her being the only employee. So apparently she set her quickbooks up, that’s what she said. Then in March she said the same thing, she said I have to go set up my boss’s quickbooks, I’ve been putting it off. I said I thought you already did that?? She said “no, I haven’t had time”. Then in June once again her boss and I heard her boss on the phone this time ask her when she can come and setup her quicksbooks. My X told her “I know I have been putting that off since the beginning of the year, I can come over tomorrow”. Completely forgetting that she already told me she did that two other times.

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The not being able to keepp up with your thoughts and things seeming to whirl all round you in a storm of stress and chaos, that’s pretty normal.

Yea, it sounds like she may have been trying to pin the baby on you and now is wondering who her next potential “father” is. Boy, DNA sure does a number on these women trying to pin the “blame” for the baby on someone who cares! LOL

Feeling angry is normal too…just let it be an energizer to do some things for you, rather than lead you blindly to strike out. My thing was that my anger was so intense I did some pretty stupid things—like write to my P-son and give him the annunition to fire back at me. Keep all information about yourself CONFIDENTIAL—good or bad things that happen, do not share them with her. I can almost guarentee she will twiste them into spears to hurl back at you from ambush.

NOTHING in writing. NO contact if at all possible. Unless she has some of your stuff and you need to go get it. Even then, TAKE A WITNESS and a small audio recorder if possible. The ones they make now have such good mikes you can carry it in your pocket and get good recordings. You can also record phone conversations with it if it is LEGALa in your state. It is in mine if ONE of the parties (like you) kmows it is being recorded. It is illegal if neither party knows in MY STATE and different states are different so CHECK with an authority before you do anything. That has been very helpful to me.

As far as the “co-dependent” part, not lookkng for a relationship NOW is a good idea. I think most of us will agree to that here. Until you are pretty well over the healing process you will probably be pretty vulnearable, but if you do tend to be co-dependent the group support group for that would be very beneficial in helping you work on YOU and not ever again falling into a trap like that. I have found that while I can’t DO anything for them, my best “revenge” is to use this horrible experience as a learning experience and make myself better, and more functional and more healthy. I tended to try to “do more for others” than I did for myself, and that is one of those enabling/co-dependent typ of things I have had to work on very hard. Learning to set boundaries for others behavior toward me and boundaries for myself. I am not willing any longer to do for otherw what they should and could do for themselves. I am not willing to fix problems that their poor functioning and poor decision making brought on them. If I were able to “fix” them, what would they learn from making poor decisions? NOTHING. We learn by making mistakes and if I take away the consequences of your mistake, what has that mistake taught you? That someone else should take care of you?

It is difficult for me to make a 180 degree turn on some of this because I grew up in a family that taught me that other’s bad behavior was to be ignored or fixed, and that if I objected to bad behavior that I was the troublemaker, not the bad actor. DUH! So I’m having to rethink some of the precepts I have lived by all my life. It’s working, slowly, and I’m learning to make baby steps in setting boundaries and enforcing them without feeling guilty. the “without feeling guilty” is the biggest FREEDOM I have ever felt in my life, and I’m 61 (I’m the old lady here ha ha) But learning is definitely better late than never! Changing for the better is definitely also better late than never!

YOu ask what your X is likely to do now–my guess is that she is feeling “bitter and angry” at you that her little ploy hasn’t worked and that you may indeed not be the father of her child and so she is seething in anger, bitterness, and rage AT YOU for being so “bad” to her—so my suggestion is “look out!” That seems to be the usual MO with these people, so I am not a prophet, nor do I have a weegie board or crystal ball, it is just the “way they operate”—keep on reading and learning and you will see more and more and more of a pattern here. Yours sure sounds like an A+ in anger too, and they can actually be more dangerous than the others, so I would not let my guard down at all. Keep doors and windows locked, lock your car in a garage if you can or park it where she isn’t likely to be able to sabatage it. I’m not trying to make you paranoid, but just be aware that they can be VERY VENGEFUL, my X-BF-P burned down the house of his GF previous to me for dumping him to get even with her.

So just be ON GUARD.

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Mom was just over, nope – doesnt have a clue in understanding at all and I’m not sure I want to lay this on my friends.

I feel fairly angry today. The NC for almost 5 days now is odd. I really cant believe she hasnt sent any txt trying to get me fired up. That is not like her. I feel a calm before the storm??? What is she likely to do now? Nothing until she has the baby? Nothing until shes about to be evicted?

3 things happened different this time around and might be why the txt stopped. 1) This time she is pregnant and I suspect I may not be the father. 2) I told her via txt (she avoids voice conversations) that my fertility test came back with less than 5% chance of achieving pregnancy and 3) I have an std or something and going to the doctor in two days. She knows im going to the doctor.

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the suggestion about doing a back ground check might be a good one. I had a criminal back ground check run on the trojan horse psychopath and also on my DIL-P and came up with some interesting information. I tonly cost me $225 for each back ground check and I got criminal convictions on the TH-P (15 pages) and on the DIL pages of addresses where she had lived, and lists of the neighbors and phone number to where she had lived, years she lived there, etc. about the only thing I didn’t get was financial information which is now by law private in this country.

If I had needed to, I could have called the people who were either room mates or neighbors and found out I am sure more information about her. So there are lots of ways to get information that is GOOD pretty cheaply. The ON LINE investigations turned up nothing, so I would go to the phone book for a real licensed private investigator, which like I said, turned up some gooooood information that was very specific.

The real PIs subscribe to various data bases that get real information and many or most of the on line investigator programs got nothing at all.

You can also get information on forwarding addresses from the post office easily. It might take some leg work but you might be able to get some good information on this woman and how she operated in the past.

I would also, for your own protection go to your local STD clinic and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Many times the Ps are very sexually promiscious and have a higher rate of STDS. There should be a public health clinic that will do this for free, even without you giving your name.

The ticket now is to protect yourself, heal yourself, and take care of your own financial needs. See if you can find a free or low cost financial counselor to help you get back on your feet financially, and some counseling, Alanon is a good group and is free, and even though she might not be an alcoholic or druggie, obviously she is an abuser, so Alanon can help you with that. There are also group sessions for people who are “co-dependent” and you might also fall into that catagory, I don’t know, but basicly it is people who OVERLY fall for sad stories and try to “help out” people like your X and so if you have a pattern of this, you might qualify, just take it as a suggestion, I am not by any means blaming you for being a victim. I’m just thinking of ways you could get counseling and some support LIVE for free or low cost that might be beneficial to you.

Many times your friends will NOT get it about how injured you are, or understand how you let yourself get this involved. Most of us have had a great deal of trouble explaining to friends and family, some how they just “don’t get it” so have not been really helpful in our recovery. The person who does have friends or family that does “get it” if very fortunate!

Hang on and take care of YOU is my best advice. Come here and read and learn to give yourself tools and information to help you help you.

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But of course, the person you mention did not start the relationship like this, or I am sure you would never have gone with it. How were things to start with? You only went out with her for 7 months. Lots of things you mention sound so familiar. especially the part about hiding behind text messages. My exN was the master of the mobile phone, he had over dozen and still wanted to borrow two of mine? I looked for evidence and nearly went crazy.

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This whole thing would be so much easier to move on knowing if its mine and what to do next. Not knowing is the hardest. In limbo.

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Still though, I do believe female sociopaths are more rare. Notice that they seem to be almost alien in their inhumanity.

holywatersalt.. if she wants to abort.. let her.. I know that’s mean but it’s not all about kids. This guy has a lot to deal with already.

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I think you can do the math…there’s a lot to do…namely…
find out if she’s pg. That may just take time..and then if she is, and she has child ( I do not support abortion, and would tell you it will only harm you too– not to mention the child) then well, it may not be yours. Lucky you I suppose but well it’s been nine months of thinking you are the dad.

This is awful all around. First no more sex with her, 2nd wait see if she’s pg, and then….well I’d do a background check on her. Warrants etc.? Maybe if she’s wanted, or a druggie etc. you can have her found unfit have those kids and the baby removed.

I’d start working on you first. But to be fair to the child she may be carrying – I’d stay in contact so that she does not abort out of spite.
rt…Better a live child…

OxD is right start reading.

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