“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?”
PDF “How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ‘need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
candy says:
denialmomma – I don’t know your circumstances but here’s a suggestion….if you HAVE to communicate with him do it on YOUR terms. Switch off your phone. Turn it on to pick up messages say….twice a day. Then when YOU are ready respond with a txt and then switch off your phone. It may help to stop giving him the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of you.
(Report abusive comment)
denialmomma says:
If I dont answer the phone, he will just come over. I just talk to him like once a day so I wont have to see or hear from him for the rest of the day.
(Report abusive comment)
Hope to heal says:
D-momma ~ Yes, what Candy said works great. My husband and I are co-parenting with his ex SSV. He does not answer her calls. She leaves a message, and he answers with a text. If he needs to talk, he calls his son (16), and speaks to him instead. It has been very effective so far. We’ve only been using this method of contact for about a month now.
The point is, don’t let the guy harass you. Every minute you spend being angry or upset at him is another minute of your life wasted. All that adrenaline is NOT healthy for you either. Try not to let him get to you.
h2h
(Report abusive comment)
denialmomma says:
Yeah you right!! I can’t be going through his emotional roller coasters with him. It doesn’t feel healthy. I’m gonna try to avoid his calls like you and candy said.
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
denialmomma – ok, so he comes round to your house, shouting and giving you grief. What about a restraining order?
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Denial mom, I’d like to add a little bit to the advice you have been given so far which I think is GREAT advice.
When you pull back and stop talking to him, EXPECT HIM TO RAMP IT UP for a while…..so if he shows up at your door, do not answer the door, just call the police and tell them that your ex husband is at your door and will not leave. BUT what ever you do, do NOT communicate with him at all.
Let the cops come and ask him to leave.
I’m not sure how old your kid is or what the visiting arrangements are but don’t let the kid answer the door or talk to him through the door either, tell your child/ren to go to their rooms.
Communicate with him ONLY through e mails (and keep copies of all the e mails, yours and his) I llike the idea of keeping printed copies either in a lock box or at your friend’s house.
Communicate ONLY about your child. IGNORE any nasty remarks he makes to you, names he calls you or whatever.
Example
His e mail to you: ” D-mama, what a biatch you are, just like you always were I hate your guts why did you have the cops throw me off your door step? you Biatch. Junior is supposed to be at my house this weekend….blah blah blah
Your response:
You can pick junior up after school Friday at 3:30, our arrangement says he should be home by 6:30 on Sunday. YOu can just drop him off at the curb.
Now, if he tries to come in to talk to you, don’t talk to him, but have your cell in your hand and 911 programmed into the phone. If he rails at you, yells or touches you, go in the house close the door and call 911. If he threatens you or touches you file for a restraining order.
YOU can take charge of the situation instead of letting him have control over you—over your peace and your mind. You are NOT a door mat and he should not be allowed to treat you like his own personal door mat. Good luck! (((hugs))))
(Report abusive comment)
backintothelight says:
Good Morning Everyone –
I have had to change my screen name per a request from Donna and am testing to make sure that it has been changed.
I would like to go into the details of why she contacted me, but I will not without her permission – and have also suggested that maybe this could be something to be brought to everyone’s attention as to the lengths and actions some ex’s will go through.
I am extremely upset by all of this and I hope Donna will share, but for now I just have to get away from the computer and contact the authorities.
Donna – I hope I haven’t said too much, but wanted everyone to know that I was still here – even if I don’t post as much as others, but I really don’t want to leave LF.
Once again – thanks you for the information.
(Report abusive comment)
coping says:
This has been a pretty rough week and a half. I am finding myself thinking allot about the spath and less about myself and my own recovery. Not a good head space to be in.
One thing I have been thinking about (healthy or not) is whether the spaths think of us. I know that when I hear of or think of my spath I take these things personally…as if everything directly relates to me. I know this is not the reality but I can’t help but wonder if they think of us and focus on us. Clearly they can’t because they haven’t been hurt the way we have. I’m not sure if this is making sence.
I want answers, I want to understand. I wonder if he feels the same. Its as if when or if he gets sad is it because he misses us..is it out of anger???
My head is playing games. I am still trying to understand the sociopath..still looking for ways to rationalize that he loved me at some point. That some part of all of this was real. I replay many things…mostly trivial looking for answers. Silly I know…its as if I want to believe I was real to him.
Not sure if this is making sence. Is this normal because it does not seem logical.
(Report abusive comment)
Hope to heal says:
Dear Coping ~ First of all, let me say that what you are thinking and feeling is absolutely normal. It’s only natural to be confused and befuddled after surviving a spath experience.
Sociopaths are totally self-absorbed and incapable of love. They are predators, only looking to feed their soulless existence. They feed off of our emotions because they have none. It WAS NOT REAL. It was fantasy, an illusion.
You’re right about it not being logical. NOTHING to do with spaths is logical. Blessings to you, h2h
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Coping,
no they don’t feel the same as we do. they can’t.
When I was 17 or 18, I came home from work and the spath was sitting on the porch. He said, “I’m sad.”
I asked why.
He said, “There were two 12 year-old Indian girls who used to come and talk to me but now they aren’t coming over anymore. I think they’re mad at me.”
Spath was 28 or 29.
At first I was perplexed but then I thought, “wow, spath is such a nice man that he would give the time of day to 12 year old little girls…”
Fast forward 25 years and I’ve broken up with spath and run into his buddy. His buddy says, “you know he cheated on you right? Did you know about the two 12-year old indian girls?”
I can only imagine what he did to them to make them “mad” at him.
So yes, they miss torturing us. They surely do. That’s what they miss.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
coping – you are doing really well. you see that your thinking is befuddled; you know the struggle you are in. Brava! you WILL win.
okay, we are brainwashed while we are relating to them. so, now our job is to use our mind’s tendency to accept repeated messages to change out thinking. i thought about the most difficult thing that the spath did to me – and whenever i had thoughts THAT ONE WOULD HAVE IF ONE HAD BROKEN UP WITH A PERSON WHO IS NOT DISORDERED, I would repeat to myself: the spath did x. it cut cleaning through the bs in my mind. I had to do this over and over again – it is a practice and it does work.
it’s so not about him, he is disordered. if he thinks of you his motivation is about what he can get from you or what he take from you to hurt you. They are trash.
It IS about you, and how you move through this and into a sane and worthwhile life. this does not include the disordered.
keep posting!
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
coping
‘One thing I have been thinking about (healthy or not) is whether the spaths think of us’ ……the answer is NO they do not. Well, not as we think of them. They may be angry or pished that we have cut off their supply but they do not ‘miss’ US.
Here’s a thought. Imagine you are a torch (to spath you are of some use) now imagine your batteries die (end of the relationshit) Now spath will just throw you in a box and forget about you. Once in a while he might take you out of the box and give you a shake to see if you still work. If not, he throws you back into the box. That is all the emotion he has for you. You were an object for his use (money, sex, a roof) Once we are of no use to them we are discarded.
His anger is because he’s lost control – that’s all.
None of it was real, it was all a mirage.
You are getting there, keep reading and posting.
(Report abusive comment)
coping says:
Thank you,
It’s been 8 months already and I wonder when in the world this will end. And with every thought and day that passes new challenges seem to arise. I supposse that is a normal part of rebuilding a life and starting fresh with a life full of greater possiblitities.
I know he does not care..yet I fall into the pattern of delusional thinking…wanting to believe the words were not lies.
He has moved on and has been with several women since…I simply want him to go away and finally leave my son and I alone. Whereas he does not “stalk” me he continues to play games with the legal system. I guess this is his form of punishment or feeling of continued entitledment. Why wouldn’t he feel this way? He parties, has sex, sleeps when tired, and works. He has suffered no real consequences to his actions.
He has no love for me or anyone. I must stop in my weak moments thinking of him as a normal person. This only steals my time and energy and lord knows I need every bit of that to stay focused on my life and creating a new word for my son and I. Some days I think this has gone on long enough and I should be over it. Other days I wonder how I survived and how I will find the stregth to keep moving forward.
Katy’s earlier post worried me. I would hate for him to find me here. I am already paranoid enough trying to anticipate his next move.
(Report abusive comment)
coping says:
Despite all the pain and destruction he has caused…I can never allow him to find out my feelings. That would be the worste and empower him to a level I cannot imagine.
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
Coping – You will find the strength, it’s in YOU. I see it in your post. You are having a wobble – I get them myself from time to time!
The games with the legal system are to give him a buzz, don’t rise to his demands, show NO emotion.
Do we ever get over it? I don’t know. What I do know is that time and distancing ourselves from them helps.
(Report abusive comment)
superkid10 says:
Skylar
So, your jackass spath was trying to rub it in your face that he was cheating on you with 12 year old girls. He took pleasure in that. What a sicko.
Wow, I want to throw up for you.
(Report abusive comment)
moveingon says:
Hi Coping,
Candy’s advice is correct, also as you already know, give up trying to rationalise it, spaths are totally irrational, no point.
I have been dragged to court 40 times (41st appearance scheduled), I used to get nervous but now I amuse myself reading the court listings working out which family judge I have not yet met, 3 to go!
It takes time, but you get there, painful, emotional, draining, but you will get there.
Keep NC, wobble days, I had plenty of them. I logged on here read some posts, always brought back some painful memories, wobble calmed ..ish. The survivors on here are trying to help other victims, its called empathy, something we have and they cannot understand.
Your focus, your son and you, period. They don’t ‘miss’ anyone, (my spath has not seen his own children in 5/6 years), they may miss the power kick, but not you as a person, they never knew you, because they didn’t care.
Keep posting, keep reading.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Superkid,
OMG, you’re right.
I didn’t even GET that.
It was a TELL! Jayzus!
You’re getting very good at this SK, very good at reading spaths and interpreting them.
(Report abusive comment)
superkid10 says:
Skylar
When you say, “it was a TELL” you mean he let the mask slip?
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Sky, I can’t believe you didn’t figure out….I thought by telling us it was because you KNEW (later) what he was saying then. If course he was either farking them or trying to…..
SK, NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY, it WILL make you stronger and WILL help you heal. It is not an easy thing at first, but the longer you maintain it the easier it gets until it feels NATURAL and you no longer LONG for contact with the disordered person.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!
(Report abusive comment)
behind_blue_eyes says:
SK;
Today’s online world makes NC ever so difficult. With all the news about riots in London, I saw a video of a looting less than 1/4 mile from the x-spath’s flat…
Of course that made me wonder if he is safe, so I looked at his sister’s FB wall, which is open. Thankfully, his is not open, nor does he tweet…
I guess I was expecting her to show some concern for “baby brother” but nothing. I guess I should not be surprised as she only once posted something about him, and he has not posted anything about her…
Actually, most of her banter was the usual drinking related stuff. But I did see something interesting. She posted a picture of her two sons, ages about 10 and 8. The older is “cheeky” with a big smile and bright eyes. The younger looks a lot like his uncle, even at 8 showing the same distant stare and lack of a real smile. I hope I am wrong about the kid.
But you can see how even these little transgressions of NC get you thinking…
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
SK,
To me, a “tell” is when they tell you something that has 2 meanings. So if you figure out the true meaning, they can deny that that’s what it means. Or, it’s a truth buried in a lie. In this case, he told me the 2 little girls “visited” him to “talk”.
A “mask slip” is when they show their true nature because they lose control. Usually that happens at the end of the relationshit.
In the case of your spath saying he “would have hundreds of kids by now” I think maybe, that was a test, to see how you feel about his promiscuity. My spath said something similar about having had sex with so many women. But now I think there was more to it than JUST a test. He paints himself as being a womanizer to many of his friends. That’s so they won’t suspect that he is, in fact, also a bisexual and a pedophile. Being a spath, he’ll screw anything.
Oxy,
I know! how could I not have seen it? It’s possible that my subconscious did see it and that’s why I’ve mentioned it a few times. I think that much of the time, when we talk/blog, we are actually talking to OURSELVES. Communicating things between the conscious and subconscious.
But since I didn’t hear the truth from myself, I appreciate SK pointing it out to me.
(Report abusive comment)
superkid10 says:
Oxy
Hugs, lady! I do appreciate your tireless rant of NC! I really do!
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Yea, Sky, you kept mentioning that 2-3 times and I figured you “got it”!!!!! Yea, we ARE talking to ourselves….I know that for SURE! I know I do. What I “preach” to others I am also PREACHING TO MYSELF! REINFORCING TO MYSELF.
You talked about how he would have young men around, like the young guy that lived in the RV….remember that article that Donna did about some Psychopaths are not straight OR gay, they will just fark ANYTHING or anyone? It sounds like your P X is that way, probably swung EVERY WHICH WAY, not just “left or right.”
The Trojan Horse Psychopath liked kids of both sexes, adults and anything that could be dreamed up by his perverted mind.
(Report abusive comment)
sarahsmile says:
Ox, do you happen to remember the name of that article?
Never mind.. found it.
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
I heard this song and thought of us on LF. It’s about a woman trying (and waiting) for her man to ‘come good’.
She’s in denial and living in the hope that ‘oneday’ he will change.
It’s really about a drunk but I can so relate this song to my ex spath. See what you think.
Just type in….’Joss Stone – Somehow lyrics new single promo’ on Youtube.
(Report abusive comment)
behind_blue_eyes says:
SK;
Even with all the evidence to the contrary, I still have this image of my x-spath being a “nice” guy. This is only because of his British accent and quite demeanor. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
So, when my empathy gets the better of me, such as in the case of riots and shootings very near to his flat, I remind myself of indisputable facts, not speculation.
For example, while I may speculate based upon very strong evidence that he may have been guilty of a sex crime, most likely sex with a minor, I don’t have evidence of this.
An indisputable fact — while he was dating me and telling me that he is sorted, reserved and not the type to just jump into bed, online he posted videos of himself masturbating as well as having a dating profile stating his hobbies are “boys, beers and fooling around.”
Enough said. He is not a nice guy.
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
Blue – How are you doing today? Did you get rid of him?
(Report abusive comment)
behind_blue_eyes says:
The mooch? That was quite easy actually.
Was it you that said he would very soon start showing his controlling nature? Well, I saw that!
What I did was a little test. I figured if he had any good in him, if I told him I was still feeling stressed and really needed a night to myself, that he would understand. At that point, I also made up my mind I would actually let him stay that night, like I said, knowing I had already told him Wednesday and Thursday were not good for me. Then my plan was to tell him our “relationship” was not working for me…
But as expected, he went into a melt-down and started berating me via text. I did not reply to any of his texts. I just deleted them and him…
Have not heard from him since. He is on to his next victim. Or customer, as I am convinced he sells himself…
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
Hi Blue. Excellent result. So proud of you. Don’t think the quote was me – but it was sound advice.
‘I just deleted them (texts) and him’ – now that’s a classic.
(Report abusive comment)
behind_blue_eyes says:
Candy;
Don’t we wish they were all that easy to get ride of, either in person or in memory?
(Report abusive comment)
superkid10 says:
BBE
You said despite all the evidence you see your spath as being a nice guy.
I know what you mean. I wonder, do we all struggle with that? I can see a person who is physically disabled, missing an arm or a leg, and say “this part’s good, that part is goofed up” and I see the whole person for who he is.
But with a spath it’s so damn confusing. I know my spath is a train wreck inside, but, my brain seems to only let me see him being ALL GOOD or ALL BAD. I have a hard time having a fully integrated vision of him that is accurate.
SK
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
SK,
I know it’s hard, it’s called cognitive dissonance and spaths work that angle. So you have to work it back.
We are used to believing what we see and hear. Our senses don’t lie to us. I’ve been believing what I see and hear for 45 years. But not anymore. My senses don’t lie, but they don’t have the whole picture. The rest of the picture is being hidden by spath lies, and the little bit that we are allowed to see, IS a lie.
They really are all bad. There is no good. The only good they show is just a show, meant to deceive. For example, if you were a low life, drug dealing murderer, you spath would never show you the face that he shows SK. He would simply be more himself. Or more accurately, more a mirror of the lowlife.
There isn’t anything real in a spath, except for his PD’s, which consist of narcissism and envy. Everything else is just a mirror, of you or someone else they’ve seen. It’s a really good mirror though. It seems so real.
To work the cogdis out, I just watch for red flags, then I know the truth. That’s what LF has taught me: they are all exactly the same. Once you see red flags, they are predictable and unoriginal. But if you interface with them, you are forced to interface with the mask, since they don’t show you the truth. And it’s hard to keep up the barrier against your normal human emotions to what appears to be a normal human. You slip into cogdis, everytime you have contact with the facade. That’s why NC is important, especially at first.
When you get to the point where you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, what you are interfacing with, it might be possible to have contact and not lose touch with the truth, but your emotions will still take a hit.
It’s just like going to a movie and knowing it’s just a fictional story. The drama can still bring tears to your eyes. It’s all set up to do just that. That’s the point of the movie and that’s the point of the spath.
(Report abusive comment)
Ana says:
Skylar,
I think I’m working with one now. Ever since I started working out at the gym for real, and started losing weight, she is ignoring me and she just won’t speak to me until she has to. She says she is a “controlling bitch” and she is.
However, she’s been scaring me lately. Bad vibes from her.
Tonight, after work she was all dolled up and I said “oh, you look nice, are you going out?” She said “yes, I’ll talk to you later” hmmm. I think she despises me AND the weird voicemail at work I thought was from spath friend? I think it was her!! After 30 days or so the voicemail say’s deleting message from and the phone number from which it came…from her area code, town, etc. I have to investigate further…she does know about spath…NOT everything..just that we had it out, and the cops were involved. UGHH One more thing…I don’t like to look at her in the face…it unerves me…
(Report abusive comment)
behind_blue_eyes says:
SK;
Perhaps experiences vary, depending upon the sociopath’s nature. Since my x-spath was nonviolent and at least to my knowledge, non-criminal, its hard for me to see him as all-bad.
This is why I look to facts and actions rather than speculation. For example, while all the evidence points to a sordid past (and probable HIV infection), I am not 100% sure of either.
However, actions by him were clear lies and manipulations when they need not have been. For each of his lies, a truthful statement would have sufficed.
Obviously, the very fact that his sister has minimal contact with him is telling, given that there are no other sibling and both parents are dead.
(Report abusive comment)
Louise says:
skylar:
I like your analogy about going to a movie…thanks for that.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Ana, it is possible this person is just JEALOUS of you and your success at the gym…since this is a work relationship not a personal one….I would just do like you have been doing, compliment her when you get a chance “Oh, you sure look nice today” and then just let it go unless you have to interact with her on something work related, or you get another chance to “compliment” her. It makes you appear “friendly and nice” without giving her any ammunition to use against you.
(Report abusive comment)
Ana says:
Thanks Oxy,
That is what I’ll do. If I find out that phone message came from her home phone :::scream::: I’ll really be freaked. But until I know for sure, yeah, I can play the game. Thanks.:)
(Report abusive comment)
DUPED NO MORE! says:
skylar: yes! your post about spaths is right on. I experienced the same things and completely agree with you. COMPLETELY. I am going to save your post because it’s so accurate. I need to read it and re-read it over and over again – the TRUTH is blinding; isn’t it?
Dupey
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Dear Ana,
I’ve worked with psychopaths, I’ve been their boss, and they’ve been my boss, or just across the board co-workers….recognizing what they are and that they are dangerous if you get “cross ways” with them….they will do whatever it takes to stab you in the back. I had one woman who was a co-worker, (not my boss or me hers) but she ended up bringing the entire CORPORATION that owned the hospital to the ground….the hospital was eventually closed because she brought it to the brink of bankruptcy. I wasn’t the only one who saw it coming, in fact, about 6 months after she started work there half of the nursing staff was gone and it was during an acute shortage of nurses and the other half of us kept saying “why can’t someone see??????” Well, I lasted another 6 months and by this time the psychopath had been fired herself….but by the time I left there was only ONE nurse left who had been there before this woman came on board….and since it was a SPECIALTY hospital that required specially trained nurses which were NOT available the whole thing went belly up.
In the instances you are WORKING with one, you need to get and read Dr. Bob Hare’s book SNAKES IN SUITS, WHEN PSYCHOPATHS GO TO WORK. It will help you stay clear of them as much as possible. Sometimes there is NO WAY to avoid them if they TARGET you….but other times you can just avoid negative interactions with them if you realize what they are and can “backspath” them as ErinBrock says. Or, it will give you time to start to look for another job if there is no way to avoid them. I have done both.
The last time I had one for a boss, I was WARNED before I took the job and I did not listen. DUH???!!!! But fortunately when I realized what she was and that the warning was RIGHT ON, I was able to just resign and not worry about another job already being in the box. Actually, it was a godsend and I just didn’t know it at the time.
If you are not EMOTIONALLY invested in them it makes it easier to take action logically. When we ARE emotionally invested in the psychopath, that is when we try to “fix it” and we start to really SUFFER.
(Report abusive comment)
DUPED NO MORE! says:
To quote Ox:
“If you are not EMOTIONALLY invested in them it makes it easier to take action logically. When we ARE emotionally invested in the psychopath, that is when we try to “fix it” and we start to really SUFFER.”
AINT THAT THE TRUTH!!!!???????
(Report abusive comment)
Ana says:
Oxy,
I have the book and have read it. Looks like I need to read it again.
There’s no way I’m changing jobs. This is the best massage job I’ve ever had and I’ve been doing it for 12 years. One good thing is, she is starting school in Sept. and her hours will be cut down some. I think she’ll be so darn busy with work, school, homework, kids…she won’t have time to target me! YAY
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
hmmm ana does massage, and has access to a carpenter….and just how far away are you? LOL.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
Chic – where are you my dear????
(Report abusive comment)
Ana says:
One Joy Step,
LOLOL….I told my husband you might need help hanging a door and he said “where does she live?” I said “oh, I have no idea” LOL Can’t ya just talk her thru it online? LOLOL YEP, turns out he can.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
well, that’s awesome. ask donna to connect us! I will send the same request. ( I am sure we are not even in the same country)
(Report abusive comment)
Ana says:
Ok One Joy, I’ll do that. I hope doors are the same in your country as they are in ours…wouldn’t that be sumptin’..lol
(Report abusive comment)
superkid10 says:
Duped
Thanks for posting that link to cog dis. I had heard LL and Skylar use that term before but didn’t quite understand it. I read the link and it helps. I would like to find a book about it. I’ve spent so much time researching the concepts of sociopathy, and so much time researching the actual life of my spath, I’m kinda done with that. I’m ready to tackle ME and it seems like I suffer from cog dis.
BBE
My spath was not a drug dealer or criminal either. He was just a man. He’s smart. Handsome. Dresses well. Lies about everything small and big. Has no problem screwing anything that walks. Has no self control. Has no empathy. And doesn’t find people very interesting, according to him. I can’t figure out if he’s spath or schizoid or both, but in any case, I think I’m done trying to sort that out, and I just know that it doesn’t work for me. I don’t want it. And nothing will ever change.
If I knew then what I knew now I would never get involved with this guy. I had no idea. All these alarms were going off, and I’m like, “what’s that?” and “oh, he’s fine” and plundered forward.
I’m happy to be getting myself back if you know what I mean.
I don’t think anywhere else – not in any of the myriad of books that i read – not anywhere except this site is NO CONTACT preached so much. It works. I think there is a small deficiency in that “no contact’ makes one think that we should not engage in communication with the spath, and that’s only part of it.
There is also the whole piece around “I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO” that inpires us to not sleuth, think about him, etc. This is so easy to say and so hard to do.
SK
(Report abusive comment)
DUPED NO MORE! says:
SK: I think we ALL suffer from Cog Dis – at least the way “I” read it. It’s something THEY give us just by associating with them, I think. Interesting concept – especially when you don’t understand it and then realize what it is; isn’t it? Oh yes: just another ingrained, in depth ploy of the spath. It’s alright. I have been reprocessing. It’s working like a charm…..
Spath free for 3-1/2 months, everyone!
Let’s have a party!!!!!
Dupey
Your welcome SK ~ xxoo
I wanted to read it myself
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Dupey,
that is a great link on cog/dis. thanks for linking.
Congrats on your 3.5 months, it only gets better.
(Report abusive comment)