The six steps of healing from a psychopath
PDF There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ‘if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ‘I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
lesson learned says:
AUSSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I L-O-V-E I-T!!!!!!
THAT IS JUST AMAZING!!
OMG! You must feel FANTASTIC! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Ohhhhh to have been a fly on HIS wall LOL!!!
NICE JOB!!!!
LL
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lesson learned says:
Ox, NICE!
I hear those are painful to get, although I’d like to get two things, thinkin next year when my dental work is done and I’m in better emotional/physical health: tongue ring/ tattoo!
Small goals, small goals!! Be sure to “report” here when you get it lol!
LL
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lesson learned says:
2 cop
Welp, looks like I need to pray a little harder then **sigh**
Not giving up hope that SOMETHING will come up for you!!!
LL
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nolarn2bcop says:
LL-tongue rings have high infections girl, and they make you talk funny! I will eventually get a tat though-when I finally graduate from a police academy, I’m gonna get my badge on me somewhere.
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nolarn2bcop says:
LL-thanks. I’ve never prayed more in my life. I feel like God’s mad at me or something!
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aussiegirl says:
Thank guys – it DID feel pretty good. I know how he will be squirming right about now. Not that he won’t regroup, because that’s what spaths do BUT he will need to weigh up the following scenarios in order to decide whether it’s worth the risk to go all the way to trial now -
1) spath’s mother: Is an honest lady. Loves me. Should tell the truth about him wasting money, telling lies, using prostitutes, having a bad temper and becoming abusive. Should tell the truth about me being careful with money, doing all of the housework AND all of the yard work, working several jobs to pay for him and his son, supporting him through his alleged injury and subsequent courtcase, being a good stepmum to his son, being a good daughterinlaw to her, being an honest person and trying long after his own family had all given him up as a lost cause to make spath get some help. Is elderly and well-off and he expects to inherit from her in the near future, so he needs to be careful what she finds out about him;
2) spath’s sister: Is a battleaxe but despises him (doesn’t like me either, but despises him). Is executor of their recently deceased father’s estate. Offered several times when I telephoned her (while still with spath) concerned that spath was abusive towards his son and unable to parent him properly, to care for her nephew (spath refused to let the child go to her). Knows spath is dishonest, immoral and wasteful with money. Knows spath has used prostitutes for many years (always while married to me or his 2 ex-wives) and is disgusted by him. Knows spath abused their elderly father while he was ill and actually witnessed a major spath blow-up directed at her and their father when they confronted spath over the telephone bill he ran up on his father’s landline, making calls to sex lines. Witnessed first-hand spath’s neglect of his son. Controls significant assets from father’s estate that are about to be distributed to family – including spath. Knows that I was good to her nephew while he lived with me and actually thanked me for being such a good and stabilising influence on his life; and knows that I was trying long after spath’s own family had all given him up as a lost cause to make spath get some help;
3) spath’s other ex-wife (the one before me): Hates spath’s guts; son now lives back with her. Is about to take spath down with Child Support Agency for fraud – with the help of documents I have handed over to her for that purpose (spath has paid none for past 4 years, claiming that I “stole” all of “his” money; what a shame I had bank account statements that prove he lied…..what a shame I have records of his payouts of over $600,000 – all of which he has spent or hidden in less than 3 years). We have met and compared notes and have joined forces to do him for the C/Support fraud AND for the Injury fraud (for which he GOT paid all that money) because SHE has evidence that it was a 14-year pre-existing surfing injury from when they were together – NOT a workplace injury just before I met him AT ALL! Together, we should have enough to pin his sorry ass to the wall;
4) spath’s current de-facto wife: Has no idea about ANY of the things he has lied about, or ANY of the fraud he has committed, or ANY of the abusive behaviour, or that he has more money that he hasn’t told her about (I imagine he is sponging off her like he did with me, because she works and he doesn’t). Will he risk her being at the court where ALL of that is going to be on display? Maybe not. If she hasn’t yet outlived her usefulness to him, then he might settle out of court to avoid her finding anything out. Who knows?
It will be a juggling act for him to work out which way he has the most to lose, although I do expect his arrogance to over-ride any obvious common-sense decision……lots at stake for him though, if he takes it all the way to trial.
Watch this space….
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aussiegirl says:
nolarn –
Email me and I will write you a letter of demand (as your “advocate”) quoting the relevant laws and insisting that they hand over the performance review or face legal action.
It’s entirely do-able dear. (Even without an attorney)
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nolarn2bcop says:
Aussie-thank you but you know I can’t take up your time when you got all your stuff goin on. That’s a lotta stuff to do for someone you don’t even really hardly know. I certainly do appreciate it.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Nolarn,
Sugar, God is not Mad at you!!!!! When He closes a door, he opens another one, but the HALLWAY BETWEEN THE TWO MAY BE DARK AND SCARY —just keep walking toward the light.
Also, when you mail that letter to the HR department, copy the CEO of the hospital (on the bottom left hand corner write CC: Mr. FRed Bigshot, Ceo Valley springs Hospital you also might send a copy to the state labor relations board, do the same thing but CC Mr. Appointed/Elected Official at State Labor board, and actually send them copies as well, —also certified return receipt requested —as well. That way, they know that you are NOT MS STUPD BIATCH that you are going to DEMAND what is your right for that piece of paper. Hang in there GF! You can do this.
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aussiegirl says:
Silly sausage! It’s what I DO, voluntarily for people all of the time.
I’ve been trained by my union and that training is going to waste while I’m off work. It is not a pressure for me but a buzz; I love to write to evil employers and set them straight – and nothing is ever sent without the employee giving it the go-ahead – so you would read it and edit it and then decide for yourself whether or not to send it on. There would be no obligation and no bad blood if you decided against it; anyhow, it’s all good practice for me.
I have 6 whole weeks to prepare my brief for the Readiness Hearing. A lot of it is already done because I’ve been working towards it for months, suspecting that things would go this way with spath. So that is no issue for me either.
However, I will say no more for now because I am starting to feel a bit like a bully (and I don’t LIKE bullies!) where you are concerned. I will simply say that you know where to find me and that it does not matter how far down the track you change your mind (if you do), the offer will still be there. xx
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Stargazer says:
Aussiegirl, WAY TO GO! I’m laughing right now. Strong work, chica!!!!
I also love the new vocabulary I’m picking up here….superspath, spathetic, backspath, spathhole….ha ha ha.
I’m sure my spath was horrified when 5 different people (me and my friends) signed sworn statements against him. And when he tried to deny it….lo and behold…there were pictures!!!! ha ha ha
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Ox Drover says:
Star, I KNOW you don’t want to know about what happened to him, but I am DYING to know what happened—the RESTTTTT of the story, (thank you Paul Harvey!) LOL You did a great job on nailing his sorry hide to the barn wall!
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Stargazer says:
Oxy, even if I wanted to know, I have no way really to find out. The army is very secretive about it. And in true sociopathic fashion they totally discarded me once they were through using me for information. They wouldn’t even tell me he was charged with fraud until the senator’s office made them do it. They were very rude and evasive to me. But I would guess since he’s an Iraqi vet, he just got a dishonorable discharge and no pension. I doubt he went to prison. If you think you could find out, I’d be glad to send you his name and all the details. Perhaps you could pose as the DA’s office and backspath the army. lol
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Stargazer says:
Oxy, I think it would be fun to write a book called “Backspath” about all the spaths that were caught and fried because of cunning, intelligent victims and also the spaths’ own stupidity.
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nolarn2bcop says:
Aussie-I would appreciate it. I probably still need to look for an attorney though, shouldn’t I? I want to try and get the termination removed from my record because it’s straight up ridiculous what they did to me. I know it will help to get the performance evaluation to show that my record was satisfactory before they decided to start fucking with me. It just stinks that they make a big deal about how the corporation takes bullying and workplace harrassment so seriously and then they turn around and do that. Why make us watch those damn stupid videos about how to handle it if they’re not gonna do jack but let them get away with it.
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aussiegirl says:
Precisely nolarn! That’s why they need taking to task about it. Yes you should keep looking for a good attorney, but in the meantime, there’s research and letter-writing you can do yourself that will put them on notice and would go in your favour if it DOES end up in court. You will then be able to say, “Well Your Honor, I wrote to xyz requesting abc on the xxth of —er and again on the yyth of —er and again on the zzth of —er but they would not acknowledge me until I went and got me a lawyer…”
It all just keeps adding up against them; whether they hand stuff over (in which case you will have had a win) or whether they keep refusing, there will be a nice long paper-trail (which the courts just LOVE). In fact, if they just keep ignoring you, it makes your case more solid; more room for you to claim damages and distress! You can’t lose either way. Just keep plugging away at them, one bit at a time, Ask for one thing in the first letter and keep asking. Then if you get it, write again and ask for the next thing you need and so on. It’s just a game and it comes down to the last one standing – and THAT, my dear, will be YOU.
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nolarn2bcop says:
Aussie-that’s why I always send emails to the stupid HR lady instead of calling her. That way when she ignores me or sends me some other BS piece of paper that I don’t need, I have it in writing. All I have to do is print out all my saved emails and all her return emails so I have proof of her blowing me off. This is all retaliation becaused I had the nerve to defend myself against harrassment. I just need to find a pitbull and maybe someone who is very pro second amendment. They accused me of something very offensive and horrifying to me and they shouldn’t be able to get away with that. They knew they handled the whole thing wrong too and I have two cops that told me that.
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aussiegirl says:
WOOF WOOF! GRRRRRRRRRRRR. BARK. GROooowwwwwwwWL. (tail is wagging here and teeth are bared…)
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nolarn2bcop says:
Aussie-LMFAO…you da big dog!
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lesson learned says:
Star,
Admittedly **cringe** I’m with Ox on this one. I”M DYING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
Hehehehe……
Would be interesting to know how your own back spath worked
LL
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lesson learned says:
Star,
I bet EB could find out
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lesson learned says:
2 cop.,
Nice thinkin in keeping documentation. I wonder if they’ve stopped to think that you’d even bother to fight any of it. that just dawned on me the other day. Spaths are really stupid that way. They think that once they bite you in the ass, and bite it good, you won’t go lick your wounds and bite back HARDER….I don’t think they think that far ahead with all their entitlement, grandiosity and arrogance
So that sounds as if it could be in your favor
LL
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nolarn2bcop says:
LL-I’m sure they don’t have the slightest idea that I have anything planned. The HR lady got off thinkin she was intimidating me but I let her know how stupid she was on day one. I think she totally forgot about the first confrontation she had with me. I’m just plottin right now but I’m ready to put my plan into action so I need the pitbull.
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ValleyGirl says:
Sky,
One of the main reasons I have not told my parents about the spath is because my dad would say “I told you on-line dating was a bad idea”. I have beat myself up enough for putting myself out there as a target & certainly don’t need to hear it from anyone else.
Ox & Aussie, thanks for the support. My cousin & his fiance are very nice and have been together 10 years already, so their wedding has been long anticipated. I AM happy for them, and will try not to let my grief get in the way of celebrating. Wearing waterproof mascara just to be on the safe side though.
Aussie, true too that setting boundaries has been a challenge for me. I do love my friends and family but there are definitely times I feel taken advantage of, or at least my feelings not considered. I’ll keep “practicing”.
Good night -
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aussiegirl says:
ValleyGirl -
” my dad would say “I told you on-line dating was a bad idea”. I have beat myself up enough for putting myself out there as a target & certainly don’t need to hear it from anyone else.”
You could always tell them that MINE was introduced to me by very old, very good friends who had “known” him for YEARS. They are decent people are have been completely horrified to discover what he really is underneath the nice-guy act. (She even comes to court with me as my support person…)
While it is true that online dating is scarey, dangerous turf, there are just as many of us who have been targeted in “real” life, without any computer enhancement.
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Stargazer says:
Guys, the backspath worked for me. All I wanted was to get him off my reptile site and out of my life. I have now been spath-free for 2 years. If I found out what happened to him, I would be inviting him back into my life by proxy. I don’t really want anything to do with him. Out of sight, out of mind. If he ever appears on the reptile site again, I will deal with it then. My guess is that he moved back to Arkansas. He supposedly has family there unless he lied about that too. They will probably take care of him since he doesn’t want to work
Oxy, where did you find the statistics on tattoos and Hepatitis C? One of my reptile site friends is a nationally reknowned tattoo artist in the Chicago area. I thought I might pay him a visit some day to get one myself. But I don’t want to get Hep C. I have never heard of that statistic.
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Ox Drover says:
Star, Back about 9 years ago while I was director of student health for a college, one of the mothers brought me a newspaper article about a study of Hep C and tattoos. I no longer have the article or the information on the study (I found it) but it was done on NON-prison tattoos, so just professionally done ones. OUt of a LARGE number of people done, 30% with any tattoo had Hep C. If they had COLORED ink in addition, it went up.
First off this study does NOT prove that the tattoos CAUSE the Hep C, because it did not control for other possible causes, but it does show a CORRELATION between the people who get tattoos and the people with Hep C. Hep C IS at some points sexually transmittable under some conditions, but just because a person HAD IT ONCE doesn’t mean that they will easily transmit during sex. There are frequent cases where husbands and wives one will have it and the other never get it. But also where one gets it and the other does too. There may be some new studies out on the transmission sexually but I haven’t looked any up lately you can go to the Centers for Disease control and look them up if you are interested.
I PERSONALLY am convinced that the transmission of Hep C IS DONE SOMEWHAT IN TATTOO joints….not sure how, but from most likely incompletely sterilized instruments or reusing of inks. They never did find out how that dentist in Florida who was HIV + gave HIV to 5 patients…but they did prove he did transmit it somehow. Since that time years ago the sterilization of dental hand sets and instruments, taking into account the back splash of saliva and blood onto the handsets means they must also be sterilized.
So, just to make sure I will buy a NEW GUN and NEW INK and then get someone else to do the tattoo…call me paranoid, but that’s okay, cause you’d be right where disease is concerned.
I realize that tattoos are “popular” and “fashionable” now, but they are a permanent addition to the body, and I just imagine how one would look on some 80 year old body versus how it would look on some “cute young thing.” LOL I would not want something FOR DECORATION that would not WASH OFF.
As for a lot of the piercings that are done now—I’ll pass on those too…I’ve seen people with tongue piercings that nearly died, seen horrible other infections too. I’ve got pierced ears and that’s enough—actually more than enough.
I’ll just decline to share any kind of intimate bodily contact with anyone unless I know their status from a lab report….yep, that’s me, paranoid as heck! If someone doesn’t care enough about me to wait til the lab report comes back, he doesn’t know me well enough or care enough about me to share my bed.
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Stargazer says:
Thanks, Oxy, that never occurred to me. I know you can get Hep C from acupunture needles as well. Something to think about. Did you ever see the SNL skit about lower back tattoos? It’s pretty hilarious. A young woman got “Pretty Lady” tattooed across her lower back when she was about 20. It showed time lapse photography as whe aged. When she was about 70, it looked like “Pretty Sad”. LOL
I have wanted to get a redtailed boa constrictor tattooed around my arm for a while, but it’s just a fantasy and not practical. If I ever did it, I’d drive to Chicago and have my famous friend do it.
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Stargazer says:
And Oxy, I know you and Henry are going to hook up one of these days. You two should know each other’s sexual histories very well by now. LOL
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FightAnotherDay says:
NY Legal Question.
My attorney is advising me that until the court signs the divorce and custody papers, anything that I might find/prove against my X in the meantime is a non-issue-inadmissible in court.
She states that my findings would have to substantiate a change since the divorce. (until the court signs, the divorce is not final.)
However, the other opinion is that; whatever I catch him doing, he is doing against an agreement WE both have signed. examples my be, placing our child in day care when is supposed to be daycare and/or leaving our son with his GF during HIS visitation, working while receiving UI and not reporting it.
Anyone?
Thanks.
FAD
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Ox Drover says:
FAD,
Well, if you can prove he is working under the table and lying to get UI insurance then DO THAT as it is a FELONY and will get his arse arrested–one he is arrested his CRIMINAL RECORD should help you with your court–maybe. You would need EVIDENCE like photographs or witnesses AND photos etc. to prove he is doing it.
As for the other stuff, THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME, but the laws don’t always make sense to me….so nothing new there.
Good luck! (((hugs)))
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FightAnotherDay says:
That is a good point.
I have read that working while collecting UI is legal, but regardless; he should be paying more CS if that is true.
How are ya OX?
Doing well here : ) Can’t you tell?
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Ox Drover says:
Well, I think, really the working and lying about it and collecting UI being a FRAUD and a CRIME is more important than him paying more CS right now—and the thing is IF you can PROVE HE IS WORKING AND COLLECTING UI then the UI folks will charge him with the CRIME and then you will be able to have EVIDENCE he had more $$ than he was telling the CS court folks so he will be “convicted” of lying again! Two for the price of one! LOL
Sweetie he is going to be playing his games til Junior has gray hair!@ So you might as well get used to it, if he doesn’t ‘shave Junior’s head until then! LOL (I know it isn’t funny, but I can’t help but laugh anyway!) FAD darling you and your jerkface provide me with “entertainment” value! (at least as long as he doesn’t want to tattoo junior a mustache or something! I swear that man is an babbling idigit that just duddin’ get it!!!!! LOL
I’d see if I could find some way to catch him cheating the gum’ent and get his butt in trouble for that and then stand back and laugh! It would only take a phone call and a few pix and his arse would be garse. Hee hee, but I am sooooo evil!
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trimama says:
Thank you, Skylar and Ox Drover,
Your words of wisdom are so appreciated.
I never thought of anger as something to learn from, rather than something to fight.
Yes, my anger is telling me there is something to fear. Tonight when I saw that he was calling me, instant panic set in. Bear in mind that I have not seen him in a few weeks but the mere sight of that number coming up on the phone puts the fear of god in me. It instantly replaced the extreme anger I have been carrying around this week.
I don’t answer the calls. I am trying very hared to adhere to the No Contact rule for my own sanity. I came very close to losing that this week.
But I am afraid…afraid of losing my resolve, afraid of being pulled right back in to the insanity, afraid of being hurt again.
With time and distance, and more information, I am beginning to see this man as the predator that he is. Rather than the handsome, strong and sensual being I thought he was.
I was so fooled!
I remind myself of Oxy’s Jessica, and how easily I could be that girl. Very little separates us except breath, and luck. I have had incredibly large and strong hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing the life out of me. It is only by the grace of god that he stopped each time.
His tears of remorse and my thinking I had somehow contributed to it kept me stuck there.
I am thankful for all of you, and the growth that I am experiencing as a result of reading your writing.
Thank you!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Trimama,
NO!!!! YOU DID NOT CONTRIBUTE TO HIM STRANGLING YOU! No good man would do that to you no matter what you did or said. The man is a MONSTER! He has no love, no ability to love, he WANTS CONTROL and that is all.
My Psychopathic son demanded control of that young woman and when she didn’t give it to him, he snuffed out her life like stepping on a bug—this man has already proven he will hurt you and that he is a criminal. DON’T ANSWER. Block his number if you can, he is trying to lure you back like a spider lures a fly into its web and then strangles it.
Promise me you will not answer the phone! PROMISE YOURSELF! THEN KEEP THAT PROMISE!!!! (((hugs)))) God bless you and keep you safe!
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trimama says:
I can promise you, Ox.
I can’t seem to keep promises to myself in the face of him just yet.
I will not answer the phone.
And I forget that this is about control. That I am not a person to him.
I have a hard time seeing this for what it is. I can repeat the bad things he has done. And on the face of it all, it is quite overwhelming. But I can’t seem to summarize all of that into the impression of a very dangerous man. The seduction is powerful.
Thank you, Ox. I count on your words. They become my conscience when I can’t find my own.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Trimama,
((((hugs))))) You ARE stronger than you know, and I sit here with tears streaming down my face at your pain. I was going through some photographs that my P son had sent me and in among them were some of Jessica and she was so pretty and so young and so smiling, didn’t know her life would end because of him, didn’t recognize how dangerous he was. You do recognize it and that will help you when you feel weak—remember that you are NOT weak, and he is like the Siren Song, luring you to your peril. Plug your ears with wax! Don’t listen to him. Come here and post! There are usually some people around to reply to you, just post “help!” if someone is here they will respond!
I know you can do it! I will keep you inmy prayers! (((hugs))))
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skylar says:
trimama,
One thing that helped me the most was that I made secret recordings of his lies and abuse BEFORE I left him. Then when I felt weak, I listened to them. The evil in his voice snapped me back to reality.
You can’t make those recordings now but you can write down your thoughts. Keep a journal, so your own words can keep you strong later on.
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hens says:
trimamma – have you gotten a vpo against this dude?
A few months ago a women in our town got a vpo out on her abusive bf, she was hiding in a motel and he found her, killed her then himself..I guess I am wanting you to protect yourself and hope I do not scare you too much…but you need to be scared of this dude – no matter what he says – no matter how fricken hot and handsome he is – he will hurt you again – please change phone number – most phone providers will change number to unlisted at no charge if u tell them your getting harassing phone calls, no questions asked – and dont tell me it would be too big of a inconvience for you – if all else cancel phone all together – do you have a land line? change that number also and throw the cellphone under a train….and WE here at lovefraud can not save you, so get a plan together – get you some oven cleaner to spray in his eyes – get a vpo if he keeps calling – …hugs
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skylar says:
Hens,
I respectfully disagree with you. Her spath is a hardened criminal. A VPO will just make him mad. She has to think like a spath and outsmart him. Gray rock is the only answer because he doesn’t know about its power. She must bore him until he leaves her alone. Gray rock is the counter-attack on the psychological warfare that he is waging on her. It is a backspath that he doesn’t understand. Making him lose interest in her is the only way to win. Just exactly like a mouse that plays dead until the cat leaves it alone.
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Ox Drover says:
Trimama, Hens advice is good—listen to him, and Skylar’s advice. Do whatever you must to stay strong. I agree get rid of the phone or change the number, hide out if you need to, go to a shelter, call the cops, call a friend and stay with them….whatever you must do. This guy is BAD NEWS and they get WORSE not better and the tiime you are leaving them is the most dangerous for them to attack you to try to bring you under CONTROL.
This isn’t about “love” it is about TRAUMA BONDING and you must convince yourself that you ARE in danger, because if he tried to strangle you multiple times before—HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Google “Stockholm syndrome” and read about it. It is why Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart and Patty Hearst and other women have stayed with the men who kidnapped and raped them, it is a chemical reaction in our brains to trauma. READ and learn to protect yourself. (((hugs)))) and My prayers for you!
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skylar says:
True, Oxy and Hens,
We must never think we can outsmart the spath because he is willing to kill and we are not. Be flexible Trimama. Use ALL OF YOUR AMMUNITIONS TO DEFEAT HIM. But be STEALTHY. Don’t let him know you are on to him.
I know that you are a smart woman. leave your emotions behind. They are hindrance to you at this moment. Read, Learn, STudy. You will know what to do. All the information will protect you and furthermore, it will be a salve on your hurt.
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hens says:
get a VPO trimamma..
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candy says:
Trimamma – You’re doing ok. You’re getting there. It takes time. It may help if I explain my situation, although not as extreme as yours, I CAN understand the disbelief that this guy ‘will never hurt you’. FACT he already has.
My spath was wonderful, everything I ever wanted – NOT! In the year that we were together he showed no physical harm towards me. Verbally was something else.
Anyway, when I told him to leave me alone and not to come to my house anymore he changed. The mask fell bigtime.
He turned up and started to push me around. Forced his way into my home and I called the police. That is what finally sent him on his way.
My family had tried to tell me that ‘I did not know this man’. They were right. I befriended spaths ex when he left and he had beat her up six times, she’d had the police and everything but she never pursued it. And now he is back with her!
Her life is miserable. She lost everything (home, car, friends) and he’s back there living like a leach off her. I have not been in touch with her since she had him back and he’s the other end of the country BUT I still do not feel safe, I lock my doors, never go out for walks. My home is up for sale and I will move far away so he has no idea where I am – cos that is what it will take for me to feel safe again.
So yes, block his number, do not plan revenge, you will lose.
Get yourself somewhere safe. Read all the stuff here, it will help you to understand those feelings you are experiencing.
It’s not easy………stay strong. if you feel weak come here and ‘talk it out’
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trimama says:
Thanks to each and every one of your for taking the time to reach out to me and to care.
Your wisdom is appreciated.
I went to the police and they said the same thing that Hens says. A pair of female officers sat me down and talked through how these situations play out. Rarely well.
That said, this man is very inflammatory and sneaky. Meaning that he would consider a VPO as a threat and a challenge, and would have no problem getting around it. It would make him rageful and vengeful.
Knowing him, my best bet is to lay low and allow him to lose interest. He is beginning to do so. He is living with a young woman. Between her and his need for crack and his very limited finances and now working full time, his focus on getting to me is pretty minimal. I live 30 miles away from him, which doesn’t sound like a lot but he doesn’t have a car.
Beyond all that, I am beginning to heal. This week was filled with feelings of anger until I looked around and saw my blessings. And there were many. I had discounted them before…they paled in comparison to this man I adored. Now I see them as so much more than he could ever be to or for me.
I need you all to reach out in spirit to the young woman he now lives with. Yes, that is the last thing I should be saying. She is an aggressive city girl. But we all know that she is doomed. She will end up like me. Just as I ended up like the woman my man was with before me. And so on.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Trimama,
Good for you going to the police and talking to them.
No darling, she will not end up like you, she will end up in much much WORSE SHAPE and I hope that she gets out with AT LEAST her life. I’m glad that there is some distance between you and him, and you are probably right that the protection order would only piss him off….even Gavin DeBecker in “The Gift of Fear” says that a protective order only works with someone who has something to lose and in some cases, like this guy, who has NOTHING TO LOSE AND IS NOT AFRAID OF JAIL or PRISON (HE’S BEEN THERE) it would only serve for him to see it as REVENGE so he would have to ramp up his notice of you.
One thing I have learned and that is that most men (at least men, not sure about the women) that I have known who have spent any considerable amount of time in prison don’t want to go back but are NOT AFRAID OF IT. The thought of it terrifies me, but then I’ve never been in jail so it is an unknown. Even my P son says that prison isn’t scary to him or anyone who has been there for a couple of years. In some cases, it is HOME. They are comfortable there. Don’t have to work, get 3 meals, don’t have to provide for themselves and get to watch TV or lift weights all day.
So this guy who is also drug addict AND an ex con isn’t going to be afraid of the law, and he will seek revenge if you “poke him with a stick” –I would consider though that he WILL show back up from time to time when he wants money or some favor, so if you can change your number or MOVE to someplace he won’t be able to easily find you, you might be better off.
I would also say to you that if you use drugs or alcohol to get help and to make NEW friends, sober friends. Sometimes that means that your whole life style and all your friends has to change, but if that’s the case, it is still WORTH IT.
It’s been said here that if we “fish in a sewer we are only going to catch turds” and if we pick our friends from among those who use drugs and are dishonest we are not going to find people who live a good and peaceful lives, but people involved in drama and trauma, and WE will be involved in drama and trauma.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, Trimama! God bless.
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lesson learned says:
Trimama,
UGH!! I”m SO relating to you!! I want to share something here, and not to frighten you, but you can NEVER, EVER underestimate a violent P. EVER.
I was married to one for twenty years. Getting out of the relationshit was EXTREMELY dangerous. Another woman in the PICTURE WILL NOT, repeat< WILL NOT, prevent him from STALKING YOU!
My exP was already LIVING with my ex best friend. He CONTINUED to stalk me. The last time I'd seen him, he beat the shiat out of me, and tried to run OVER my ten year old daughter and shoved my twelve year old daughter's face into the PAVEMENT, to try to get my car keys from her!!! I did not have a restraining order out on him at that time, and it was a SERIOUS mistake on my part!!! When the cops were called by my neighbor, there was NOTHING they could do when they got there. He was long gone and they could not go after him because I didn't have the RO!!!
I SHOULD have taken my kids and gone to a shelter and gotten the hell out of there, but I DIDN"T do it because I THOUGHT that new gf ex best friend, would keep him "preoccupied".
Her "Love" for him did not assuage his MASSIVE rage at me for wanting out of the relationshit. I was MISTAKEN in projecting my HUMAN qualities onto HIM. He wouldn't come back because he has someone else now. EL WRONGO! It was POWER, he was losing his POWER in the relationshit and he wasn't going to go without a POWER PLAY to end it HIMSELF, rather than me doing it.
In the end, he did eventually leave me alone. But it took a LONG TIME for that to happen. I am SO GRATEFUL to ex bestie for that. And guess what? Just in case you're curious, he beat the living shit out of her too. She took care of him for ten years, beat the shit out of her, but her son saw what was happening and took a baseball bat to his head and nearly killed him. That was two years ago and she STILL wants him BACK. She has a pathology all her own, is very sick. Now I can look upon it as pity. IT is VERY VERY sad!!! Last time I talked him, he told me that he's been talking to her alot (after he lost his footing with his new love bomb that he said he was in "in love" with-bullshiat, he wanted a place to stay and a hook up for sex after he gets out of jail shortly), and that he loves her, but is NOT IN LOVE WITH HER. So I asked him, "so you think it's fair that you lead her on to believe that you are in love with her, when you're telling me you're not?" He rages, "I told her what I've told YOU, and if she still wants to talk to m e knowing that, it's HER CHOICE (fault) to do so, she knows what the deal is!"
They never change. So glad it's not me anymore.
The greatest of all lessons I've learned, particularly this last year, NEVER underestimate a spath. Ever. Even one from twenty five years ago, walked into my life this last year and I kicked him back out to the curb immediately thereafter. They can ALWAYS come back. I don't mean to suggest that you should always watch your back, but right now is a seriously dangerous time for you. I understand how you feel and that your feelings for him can truly impede upon your SAFETY in allowing yourself even five seconds of ruminating or obsessing about him right now, it's a vulnerable time for you, mama. Stay STRONG as you can and MINDFUL of your surroundings. I think it's probably SAFER to ASSUME that he WILL try to get to you, rather than not, no matter his current circumstances.
STAY SAFE!!!
LL
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lesson learned says:
Oh and mama?
Ex P didn’t own a car at the time either. But he managed to borrow one
LL
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hens says:
my x didnt have a car or drivers license until dimwit hens bought him one = talk about fishin for turds – oh welll I threw him back in the sewer and now I fish for crappy – not the turd kind….
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hens says:
trimama I am happy you talked to the police – i hope this dude just goes away like mine did..sometimes when we stop dancing with them they just move on…but still after 3 years i keep a look out just in case he has ran out of dancing partners, so you be careful and you have a great day….
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