The six steps of healing from a psychopath
PDF There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ‘if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ‘I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
aussiegirl says:
FAD -
Whatever else you decide to do, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Keep a diary for this purpose and make sure you note dates, times, places and the names of any witnesses if applicable. For proving a pattern of behaviour when it comes to a court hearing, diarisation is generally regarded as solid evidence.
My spath has no record (that I know of) for killing anyone, but he did break the jaw of the wife before me and he was aggressive and violent toward me and toward his little boy and he has threatened to “finish me off” and “shut me down” – whatever those things mean.
Even though I no longer live alone, I have gotten into the habit of carrying my keys with me when I go out into my yard, locking doors and gates behind me as I exit and enter my house, leaving external lights on at night, scanning my yard each time I enter it. For a long time, I would also leave my car parked in what the police here call the “ready-go” position; facing the road, in a place and at an angle where it could not be blocked in by another vehicle and where a quick “get-away” could be managed from. My car keys stayed with me even at night, when I slept with them under my pillow.
The police and the abuse counselors also suggested that I pack an emergency bag with everything important that I might need in case I had to run: money, driver’s licence, bank cards, birth certificate, passport, mortgage documents, insurance papers, list of emergency telephone numbers, a change of clothes etc. At night, I used to put my purse into the bag beside my bed so that if I needed to leave in a hurry, I could do so.
I hope you stay safe and well and that things calm down for you soon. xx
Trimama -
Think Snow White’s apple – all red and shiny and smooth and delicious-looking on the outside; all poisonous and maggoty on the inside. He is the apple. Avoid at all costs.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Aussiegirl,
GREAT ADVICE! The car in the “to go position” is a great idea and one that I had not thought of….but believe me I will do so in the future and I had quit carrying my keys, and I will do THAT in the future too….I always have a pistol and a cell phone but not the keys, but will from now on…new habit for me to form.
Just being prepared ought to be brought to EVERYONE’S mind with the recent EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS, and now NUCLEAR REACTOR PROBLEMS and WARS all over the world—and don’t think it couldn’t happen here—I live inland on a hill so not likely to be flooded but I live 40 miles from a reactor and not too far from a MAJOR FAULT EARTH QUAKE ZONE.
I don’t mean to sound like some kind of “right wing survivalist nut job” because I’m not that at all, but I AM PREPARED—prepared to eat out of my store of food here at home for months if I have to. Prepared to do without electric power if I have to, and prepared to grab my “get away emergency bag” and HAUL ARSE for higher ground or where ever I need to go to be SAFE from any kind of natural emergency. Doesn’t cost much to be PREPARED—just stock up on food and WATER, have a few bucks cash on hand at all times for inside your house, keep your gas tank on your vehicle FULL (refill it if it gets below 3/4) at all times…keep your important papers, birth certificates, pass ports, etc. in a place that you can grab them and go (preferably a little fire proof safe which is cheap and not very big) a couple of changes of clothes, some dried food that isn’t too heavy, etc.
Make sure you have a “spare” “to go bag” in the trunk of your car as well in case there is an emergency and you are away from home with your car at the time of the emergency….or get broken down on the side of the road in an emergency, there is a bit of water, food, extra clothes, rain gear, a bit of money, flares etc. in your car trunk. BE PREPARED the Boy Scout Motto!
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lesson learned says:
Ox,
The church I use to go too…. the Pastor is on my FB, lately, he’s been doing a series of sermons on prophesy and the end times and how the recent earthquakes and wars are playing out that prophesy.
I think the teachings are rather spathy, but he is quite knowledgeable about biblical prophecy, scripture, has traveled to the middle east many, many times, etc.
I’m choosing to grey rock it right now, but I wanted to ask if you believe any of that is coming to fruition. I think this would be a prime opportunity for spathy pastors and flock to create more FEAR about what’s happening than not, even though wars, earthquakes etc, have been going on for THOUSANDS OF YEARS. HELLOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus said that we shall not know the time that he returns. Why do others claim they think they KNOW… so many responses on his FB about how the flock is like “HEY WE ARE IN THE END TIMES HERE PEOPLE!!”
Really? I wonder how many people in the past enduring crisis like this thought the same way…..I wonder if current technological advances with internet, cellphones, etc, doesn’t exacerbate that theory because we can ALL see this happening before our VERY eyes now, where thirty years ago, it was not as instantaneous. Any thoughts?
.
LL
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Ox Drover says:
LL, my opinion is that the “end times” started the day Christ left this earth to return to heaven…so Him telling the apostles that even the angels and even He himself don’t know the date of the end of the world is proof that these people who say they do are FALSE prophets…there have been earthquakes and wars and rumors of wars since the beginning of time and I think there were be until the end of time.
FALSE preachers in all religions use all kinds of “signs” and “wonders” to fool people into giving them power over them, that is what many of these cult leaders do..it is what psychopaths do. Doesn’t matter if it is a 1-1 relationship or a politician or a preacher using manipulation to influence others to allow them control, it is the same thing.
Being prepared for disaster is just a good idea no matter who you are or where you are. If you are being stalked it is definitely good sense. I never could see how people could not keep enough food in the house to feed them for a few days at least in the event of a natural disaster of some kind. Back in 1971 when the quake hit in California you could buy a loaf of bread for 25 cents, and the price immediately went to $1 a loaf. Even in those days, I kept a supply of food on hand —maybe it is just my “security blanket” but the one thing I agree with the Mormons is that they preach to their members to keep a year’s supply of food stuff squirreled away, and I may not have quite that much, but I do have a good bit of food stashed away that doesn’t need electric to keep edible. And if the Power goes out long term I know how to smoke the meat and dry it.
I’ve been through a major earth quake, a major hurricaine, and a major tornado (though it didn’t hit my house I worked in relief in the area) and it NEVER HURTS TO BE PREPARED.
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lesson learned says:
Ox,
I agree about preparedness. I have enough canned good stocked to last awhile! I keep it in a specific cupboard and it’s NOT to be touched. When I bought it, if I could get my hands on it, I bought the pop top cans, soups have them now. They’re GREAT and don’t require a can opener, but I have a hand held just in case. I also keep bottled water around in cases, although that goes pretty quick around here because instead of alcohol, I have a bottled water wherever I go now. The kids enjoy bottled water too. Still, it’s there.
I have flashlights, candles, extra bedding (pillows, blankets, sleeping bags), trial size toiletries that are not allowed to be touched.
We received emergency evacuation instructions the other day by our management in the event of a major landslide (they have now put up concrete barriers around the complex), and it’s been raining cats and dogs here, I think yesterday was the first dry nice day we’ve had in awhile, but today, rain. So I’m prepared! You’re right, never hurts to be prepared! Maybe I’m overly so!
Thanks for validating that for me Ox, about the false prophets. That was my line of thinking. Just something about it is NOT trustworthy and you illustrated my point rather well
LL
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Ox Drover says:
LL I’m not sure concrete barriers will hold a land slide back. Not sure where you live but I know they didn’t do much for some of the folks around LA CA a few years back. Might want to put some extra emergency things in your car trunk as well in case you have to leave in a BIG hurry like in the middle of the night maybe! I know I’m probably over prepared, but son D and I have a “grab and go” bag inside the house that would actually be a back packer’s trail kit that would house and feed us for about 2 weeks, but each vehicle has a stash of emergency stuff in it too, both for BIG emergencies and for those road side smaller ones like engine trouble or a flat tire, plus MAPS in the vehicle of all the local roads, a phone book, a NEW empty gas can (don’t carry fuel in a vehicle in a plastic container except for a short distance in emergency) which can be used for water or for fuel as needed, one of those little battery operated compressor air pumps etc. you name it it is in there….LOL
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hgg522 says:
ML,
Thanks for the post. I will print it out and read it frequently. I am still working on healing. Disconnecting from the s/p. i have to see him at different functions on a regular basis but I try to be invisible to him. Try to make him invisible to me. Him and his wife are so annoying and really make and effort to get me to react. It is a daily trial, to stay nonreactive and to try to keep them out of my mind. That is what their game is all about, to try to get a reaction from me. What a pathetic existance…to live to irritate someone…I am not going to lie..they are very irritating. They are like spoiled rotten little brats that are used to having their way. Any they will bully whoever to get their way. I just ask God for the grace to stand in the presence adversity and to not be moved. It is difficult. It is painful. I just wonder when it will all end. Do they eventually run out of energy and give up? Do they ever go away?
One thing I am learning through all of this is to face my fears. To overcome conflict avoidance and to face things head on instead of running form them. I suppose I am becoming a stronger person. I want to believe I am a possitive influence for my children. We are court ordered to communicate thru the “Our Family Wizard”. It helps some. He still tries to make it look like I am not doing what I am supposed to. He writes very accusatory e-mails. Nothing sustantiated tho. He cant stand that he is not allowed to contact me via phone or otherwise. Bugs him that my husband will go to the door when he comes to get the kids. He is toxic. His s/p b/p/d wife is toxic. Good thing is my husband(we have known each other since 7th grade) will cover me. He is like my sheild. I can still be there for my kids, at different school activities, but I do not have to interract with my ex s/p.
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mandorla says:
Hi all…blessings to everyone
I posted a ? the other day about being at the no contact conversation phase but also was having trouble letting go of my ego-driven desire to let him know that “i know what he is”. Two bloggers were so nice enough to give me their advice.. but i am just getting back now and cannot find their post…sooo… am saying thank u for blogging back about my dilemma.
My issue about having the “NO CONTACT” conversation… is I am a bartender in a very wealthy neighborhood restaurant… and it’s his neighborhood. He already is deep into the sealing, manipulation phase with another woman and has been sealing it subtly, right before my eyes the last two monthes. At this time he was going through the…over the attraction with you phase… this is getting boring and not serving anymore phase. My problem is…i figured out (a couple weeks ago… PERIOD) that he needed to stay away from me… so he came in and i told him “i was done” he of course responded with how bad his life is and how he just want to be my friend. I wont go into all details.. no need… we all no how they respond…anyways..this conversation took place days before i did TONS of research and figured out one million percent that hes a sociopath. Sooo… my problem is …bc i told him i was done… now he’s still attached??? He didnt win? After doing a week of research Ive now learned that i have to handle this delicately… but the problem is he does his little “parasitic , im bored, i need a fix from you, let me control you and make you jump and sqiurm in my presence” all in my place of work. I know i cant tell him never to come in there and look at me again…because it will piss him off. I guess im just wondering if anybodys been in a similar situation. I feel like i almost just have to pretend like im a week little wounded bird… that he hurt me sooo bad..that i just cant bare the thought off seeing him again. I guess i feel like i have to let him think that he WON….?? hmmmm…? any insight or advice would be so appreciated… ***sending blessing of peace love light and healing to everyone….***
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mandorla says:
PLUS….he came in last night (thank GOD i wasnt there)… i just know he will be back in a few days…and it’s the having to look at him face to face… we all know how the f—— eye stare works..i can go over my approach a million times but the min. he locks eyes with me I’m potentially screwed… help???
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hens says:
mandorla – I dont have any advice, but I know how the eye contact and I am screwed thing goes – dont make eye contact – look at his chin, his ear, if he says something, anything just respond with ‘ you dont say’ and turn away walk away….he only win’s if you go back or show emotion – just be cold as ice and avoid him if you can..do you have a barback or another bartender that could serve him? your in a sticky situation i hope all comes out well for you…
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hgg522 says:
Mandorla,
Ignore him. Pretend he doesnt exist. I know it seems impossible but it works. You are a bartender, treat him like a patron. What would you like, sir? Here you are, sir. Thank you, sir. Then go to the other end of the bar. Dont even make eye contact. Most imprtant, no eye contact. s/p’s do something creepy with their eyes. Snake eyes. dont even look. Look at his forehead or something.
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Ox Drover says:
Mandorla, Hens’ advice is good…..treat him like you never saw him before—and NO EYE CONTACT…look at his chin or forehead or ear, good idea—get him his drink he orders—if he doesn’t order say “what would you like sir?” If he sayd “I need to talk to youuuuu” say something like “I can see you haven’t decided what to eat/drink yet, I will return in a few minutes after you have decided what you want.” then walk away. Say it loudly enough that others can HEAR WHAT YOU SAY and that you were polite and nice and professional. That way he can’t say to your boss that you were rude to him (a customer) and get you in trouble.
Don’t respond to anything except a drink order…give him the ABSOLUTE COLD SHOULDER NO RESPONSE EXCEPT A DRINK ORDER TREATMENT….we call that “gray rock” or “potted plant”—if you can not wait his table or stool that is even better, get someone else to wait on him and then act like he isn’t in the place. If you must wait on him…it will drive him crazy if you refuse to talk! It is the best revenge every as they hate to not be IN CONTROL.
Good for you! Stay around and keep on learning! It does help!!
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mandorla says:
OMG.. ox drover, hgg 522 and hen!!! Thank you sooo much!!! This advice is soo great! This is just what i needed to hear and something that, of course, my other friends couldn’t give me. Though, of course… its not gonna be easy…seeing as he’s hot as hell with that huge ass smile ( its so crazy how the attacment and attraction still is there after knowing he’s a sociopath), but yes..he is still equally creepy, disgusting awkward and strange at the same time…lol!! Okay… so operation “GRAY ROCK” it is!!! I hope it works… i feel like its gonna piss him off and make him more relentless and adament (sp?) about getting my attention back… guess we’ll see… There are nights when i work by myself, so those nights will be a challege, but on nights when others works to… I will have them get his drink. Thx again soooo much you guys… huge love and appreciation!!
Ya know, I am new to this site, and my situation never reached cohabitation or marriage (he just used me for the high he got off of the attraction, the game, control, manipulation, im a little pawn in his playground, “oh i turn to mush when your around” “u come in I jump cuz youve planted a million anchors in my psyche so i have no will of my own anymore” ahh the craziness) so I of course…if this all turns out okay in the end, am feeling very fortunate that my situation was only a year and a half of madness. I feeeel soooo bad for everyone who has children w/ them (has to keep up ties..although they should never get to be around their children, no matter what their niche is)…lost money..jobs…i mean all the endless destruction… its just so crazy. Well… I guess im just trying to say that i just feel sooooo bad for everyone… and am sending everyone every ounce of prayers for peace love and healing that i can muster up.
blessings
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Mandorla,
Sugar you can take it from this old woman, once you are on to him, know what he is that he is a SNAKE IN A MAN SUIT, you can give him the business…..and it will frustrate him no end, so there is that enjoyment too. YOU ARE MORE POWERFUL than his attraction, YOU CAN BE IN CONTROL of YOU! He can’t take over if you do NOT allow it. Wow, see you didn’t know how powerful you were did you!
Took me til nearly 60 years of age to figure that one out, but now, I’m WONDER WOMAN!!!! SUPER WOMAN !!!and so are YOU!
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lesson learned says:
Mandorla,
That is so crazy! I’m so glad you are OUT! You bring up something VERY important though. My ex had THE MOST beautiful, gorgeous, stunning smile I’ve EVER seen on a man. I mean EVER. It wasn’t his eyes, it was his SMILE that KILLED me every time. And it was SEDUCTIVE, as well as that baritone voice. His eyes were cold as ICE. He KNEW the smile absolutely did it. Every single time.
I don’t know how you could serve him without looking at the smile, but…..maybe what hens says, look at his forehead, or just think that even with the killer smile, it’s the smile of a cheshire cat who just ate a mouse!
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hgg522 says:
crazy..just got a call from my ex s/p’s wife. of course i didnt answer nor did she leave an vm. i text her and asked her if she needs something…she writes back oh so sorry, called your number on accident. (my kids are there this weekend is the only reason I text her back). they are totally obsessed, both of them. the other day i got a text from my ex s/p that was about me. oops, i guess he sent it to the wrong woman. i wonder how many times that happens to him in a day.
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lesson learned says:
hgg
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hilarious. You’re taking it in stride.
I love it!
LL
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Bels says:
After nine years without him and having rebuilt my life, some kind person gave him my address and he turned up on my doorstep! I told him where to go and he didn’t bother me for a while. Unfortunately, however, the woman he was with after me and subsequently married committed suicide in the summer (I wonder why!). He then turned up on my doorstep again and every time his mouth moved I knew he was lying. He made me feel emotionally blackmailed because he was crying and carrying on and all I wanted was for him to go away. He then went on to say that he wanted to get back with me and I told him he was wasting his time as that would never happen so he then retorted that he had a girlfriend anyway! I told him I knew his girlfriend and had her number in my phone and that’s when I saw a genuine emotion from him – worry that I may call her and tell her!
Has anyone else had this sort of experience? I’m hoping that my actions may have seen him off but he is so thick skinned and pushy I’m afraid I’m not too optimistic.
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skylar says:
Bels,
Sorry you had to go through that. Icky.
We all fear the day the slime re-surfaces.
About the only thing I can tell you is that mine went away when I told him that he was a predictable sociopath. I told him that as long as he is a sociopath, he can only behave in predictable patterns. Then, everytime he opened his mouth, I would say, “Of course, that’s what sociopaths do!” or “Now you are using the rage, can’t you use charm or pity ploy? I prefer those ploys.”
When he said, “Are you happy? Tell me because, I want you to be happy.” I replied, “You are saying that because you want me on the pedestal so you can knock me off it. All sociopaths do that. Get a life.”
A spath is nothing without his mask and if you rip it off each time they try to put it on, it’s quite disappointing to them.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Bels,
If he was coming back to you, then he was LOOKING FOR SUPPLY….drama….and if he has you on his radar and has your address he may indeedy come back every time he is “down on his luck” or “looking for supply.” I suggest you don’t open the door, or threaten to call the cops, or DO call the cops if he won’t leave. Don’t give him the courtesy to even LISTEN to his pity plays or his tears…you already know they are LIES…so don’t even consider treating him like you would a “normal person” just DEMAND he leave NOW, if not, call the cops. If he keeps on after that, then you can get a restraining order on him.
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Jorja says:
I have just recently registered on this site. I left my ex spath more than 4 years ago, however we do have a child together so as much as I wish I could have him out of my life completely, that will never happen. I have accepted that, but still feel some bitterness about having to have minimal contact with him.
I am not sure what stage of healing I am in since I never seemed to have any closure and remove him from my life. I still find myself saying the “if I had’d” or ” Should have’s ” alot…but I am working hard at it.
I feel I have accepted my role in what has happened in the past and have been trying to move on….just whn I seem to be getting to that next stage of being happy…the ex appears again with more lies and inuendo and accusations in family court…which of course never amount to anything other than heaving me back into a depressive stresssed out time in my life.
I need to find a way to not let that affect my life or my sons life (he is only 5)…as I can see that he feels my sorrow and pain, guilt, frustration, anger etc. I want him to see me happy. I cried the other day when I was laughing out loud about something and my 5 year old actually said to me “mommy, its nice to see you smiling and to hear you laugh”. It was an eye opening day for me.
It provides some comfort to know I am not alone in this struggle, as it eases my thoughts of “..am I crazy? am I making more out of this than it is? Am I being paranoid?…” becasue I know I am not crazy, its only that someone who has never dealth with this personality type CANNOT understand no matter what you say to them.
My best wishes to everyone who has had to deal with a sociopath…I look forward to continuing reading posts on this site.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Jorja,
Welcome to LoveFraud, and I”m sorry you are going through this continual “spin cycle” with your son’s sperm donor.
Knowledge is power and it takes time to reclaim that power from the psychopath, and having to have contact with him through and because of your son is I am sure “crazy making” to the Max! You are not the only blogger here who has the problems with the X and can’t get entirely NC with them…but there is a great deal of information here to help you as you heal.
Also, since your X is your son’s biological father, I suggest that you go to dr. Leedom’s web site blog about “parenting the at risk child” because your son is at risk because of his father, both biologically and emotionally. Dr. Leedom has a son by her psychopath as well so you are in good company there.
You can find a link to her website/blog on the left of the screen here near the top under blog rolls.
Again, welcome and keep on reading and reading. It is a continual process to heal ourselves so keep on learning and the time will come. Maybe not as soon as you’d like, but each step is progress. God bless.
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honestkindgiver says:
Jorja,
Good for you for leaving 4 years ago, when the son was only 1. If your son has mostly your influence be glad for that. I stayed for over 22 years. Luckily my spath was so disconnected and selfish that the kids really never got to know him super well, but I do worry a little about genetic possiblilites because his mother is a master manipulator and his brother is a cheating spath too. I now have 16,18 and a 20 year old. The kids pretty openly verbalize when they see mom in “a good mood.” I let myself get too far beaten down emotionally so the getting back up again is hard some days. I was going to love fraud daily for almost a year. Finally got the guts to post, as my divorce may be winding down, but he is a sneak. He has been on my email remotely for almost 3 years – that was to be a step ahead on every divorce matter. I wouldn’t totally shield your son. It’s probably good that he sees his father for who he is. Let your son know that it is only human to feel badly when someone tries to “bring you down.” But show him that you are courageous in standing up to his crap. Stay strong!! You are not crazy – they just try to make you FEEL that way. Stay Strong!!
Skylar I love this part:……….
I would say, “Of course, that’s what sociopaths do!” or “Now you are using the rage, can’t you use charm or pity ploy? I prefer those ploys.”
I would say to him, “Push play, the badboy tape is playing, or the tape has started again” (that means I am attacking and criticizing him) then I would say, “you can push stop any time now.” What I really wanted to say is shut the fark up.
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Jorja says:
I read a previous post with a comment ” if he is coming back, he is looking for supply….drama…dont listen to his tearful stories…they are all lies”
The pattern has been that every time another girlfriend leaves him, he starts sniffing around me again …and each time although i fear the cycle of abuse my son may see with each new girlfriend, it is almost a blessing because I know his attention is then focused on the new lies and impressing the new victim. This time after 6 months of dating, his victim agreed to marry him ( i feel so sorry for her as I know where she is in the cycle)…yet this time it has changed…he is trying to get reactions out of me by bringing his new victim to my doorstep when picking up our son, he uses her to lie for him, he uses her to try and get me angry, he gets her to send text messages to me instead of him sending them ( for things that have to do with MY son), he brought her to a parent teacher meeting….my son comes home and tells me that his father is telling him to call his new wife(victim) his mom…and that she is now his second mother….I know he is using her for money, using her to try and make himself look like an upstanding father, and to try and hurt me by hurting my son….I am not sure if I can be strong enough to do this for the next 14 years until my son is an adult. Its like an addiction…one day at a time…sometimes…one hour at a time.
My therapist said to me before to use that phrase to myself when I play things over and over in my head..creating constant worry, that …” you can push stop anytime”.
I have even found myself saying out loud, holding my head “I am pressing the stop button!!”
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Jorja,
Good for your therapist! You CAN push the STOP button! and you must do so.
Tell your son that you are his MOTHER and that he has only ONE mother, and that if your husband marries her she will be his STEP mother but that is not the same, she is his father’s wife.
Don’t let it “get to” you and you already know he is doing that TO “get to” you, to make you jealous and to use your son as a club to hit you with. Just remember, YOU CAN HIT STOP!!! (((HUGS)))) and God bless.
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strongawoman says:
I too am a newcomer to this site and finding reading these personal accounts ring true for me also…..sadly. My ex is texting me regularly. Am deleting them before I read them. Have hope that if I continue to grayrock him he will give up in the end. The last time I spoke to him I told him if he didn’t stop I would change my number and his reply…..well Il come to your house or wait for you after work. He hasn’t but am alert and conscious that he might. He hates being ignored. He was aggressive and violent sometimes but it was controlled. He never lost it completely, if you know what I mean. I am fearful sometimes but then other times I feel confident he hasn’t got the bottle to just turn up. My son in law who’s six foot 2 has told me he won’t let him in. And so I keep the door locked at all times and hop that eventually he will move on. To his next victim he used to say. Pity help the poor unsuspecting woman. I’m lucky I still have my job and my house. And that my daughters still talk to me. I’m investing in that love again. The real loves of my life….my children. I want to keep strong and keep growing in confidence. As many have said here….one step at a time. This site is fantastic. When I feel unsure and start to ruminate and question myself out comes the laptop. Im soon back on the road of truth after reminding myself of the facts. Knowledge is power. Towanda
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strongawoman says:
Oh and also I just wanted to say to jorja. I feel so sorry for you and I no how much of a lucky escape i had as I didn’t have the bad luck or whatever to have children with my ex. He does have a child however but the childrefuses to see him now. He’s ten and has seen him for what he is. I think my ex used me to give him credibility with the mother of his son……and that is something I feel terribly guilty for. Good luck to you jorja. Yours is the hardest road I think
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callmeathena says:
This is a fabulous post. I hadn’t seen it until now. Thank you Mel.
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purewaters3 says:
Beautiful post.
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
What a great post. I have shared it with my therapist.
It so accurately depicts what it is like for “US”. Thanks so much. I have saved your post and will read and re-read it several times, I am sure.
I think I have finally survived another 3 week long ‘spath attack’. Have just celebrated six months no contact, on my behalf, however the stalking still continues. This week is not only “ITS” Birthday, but also the ten year anniversary of our knowing one another AND Thanksgiving!!!
It’s rather upsetting, actually. Just about the time I am starting to make progress, “IT” tries to burst into my life and I want it to stop. I have not responded to any of the ‘intrusions’ but the pattern is making ITSELF; isn’t it?
Happy day to you all ~
may you walk in the light, always.
Dupey
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BunnyWabbit says:
I have been in an abusive relationship. Instead of worrying about having something on you, like car keys, cell phone, etc. Have a pay as you go phone in your locked glove box. Hide a car key outside where only you know where it is. Store all your valuable paperwork in a lock box at a bank. I started putting $100 bills in different places so I always had hotel money and food money. It’s amazing the places you can hide money. My car actually had a storage box in the back seat under the seat, it was built in. I found it by accident. I alway keep a pair of slip on tennis shoes by the bed. You can cut a slit in the lining and hide money in those too. Your bag of clothes can be locked in the trunk. If you have to go out the door with nothing, technically you have everything you need within reach. It just comes to being smarter than him. I actually kept a cell phone in my pocket at all times because he’d locked me out of the house. I had a house key hidden out there too after that.
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