“Would somebody please tell me why he did this!”
PDF “Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re…. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
Hens says:
oops strongwoman you just made the 500th comment on this threasd ”you win a BOZO button ~!
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strongawoman says:
Friends…..pah!
Ex used to say they were too stupid to realise they were being used.
Hmmm charming …..urgh
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strongawoman says:
Hens, I AM a bozo lol
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darwinsmom says:
Welcome Sadie,
Sorry to hear how you were used and you had to go through that despicable discarding. I recognize you reactions though. The discarding I experienced gave me an instantmy immense clarity: I deserved better, he had been the lie from start to end, and I accepted he was a spath, and promised myself NEVER again. Yes, sometimes I felt my mind and body ache for him, but the clarity helped to remind myself what an undeserving heartless being he was. And it gave me a source of strength.
It sounds like you have this clarity and empowered feeling from the clarity to keep yourself strong from any lovebombing from him at this moment. USE IT! It also sounds like you are starting to feel anger. You have a right to be angry, but do not let the anger be a trap to contact him either and tell him where he can crawl in. Curse and swear on him at the privacy of your home! My first weeks I had this mental picture whenever the rage became unbearable where I threw all my dishes to smithereens at him (just a mental picture). And it felt great!
Keep reading, keep informing yourself, keep the clarity which will help you to NC. Do not be surprised if you have painful dreams and suddenly remember long burried pains of events you thought you had forgotten. It is actually a positive sign. Its unpleasant, painful, but it means you are ready to deal with the abuse while within the relationship, and that you are recovering from the discarding itself. Do whatever to make you feel loved and pampered by yourself in the coming time. You’ll make your body less dependent of the fix via him.
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Sadie73 says:
Thank you so much, Darwinsmom. As awful as this time is, I feel already a slight relief, like a weight off my shoulders. I’m starting to get moments of clarity already, which at this early stage I believe to be a positive sign.
thanks again for your kind words.
I’m still in shock that this happened to me; it’s still sinking in. I think about him all the time and had an awful moment yesterday where as I was waking up, thought of something funny and thought “I must text him that!”. Then I remembered he ditched me only a couple of days ago and it was such an awful wave of realization.
I know I’ll have more moments like this but just have to stay positive and think of the bad times – which I’m understanding most of them now were. Time – I wish it would pass quickly and get me out of this nightmare. I want to be back to my old self and not second guess anything. Patience, right?
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Sadie73 says:
On an earlier note, another great song I’ve been listening to is “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri. LOVE it.
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callmeathena says:
Katy you sound so sane, and you get what your spath is doing. And apparently he tells you about all the OW? Why are you still there?
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Stargazer says:
Sadie, how we have all been where you’re at in our own way. I was only with my sociopath for 2-1/2 months, but he wove a fantasy so convincing that the grief and loss was almost unbearable when I ended it. I say “almost” because you CAN bear it, and it does get better once you do. We have all survived and not one person here would tell you it’s better to stay with him or go back to him. The high we get from them is very much an addiction. It is very painful breaking an addiction, but once you do, you will start to feel better.
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Sadie73 says:
Thank you so much, Star. I know I can get through this and I know I’m worth it and just have to be patient with myself and allow myself to grieve. I only had one breakdown today which is good considering I’m only on day 3 since he cut me off. I keep reminding myself it could have been worse and that at least he isn’t contacting me and making it harder. I do not feel that he’s gone for good, however and I’m just going to work on ME so that when that time does come, I’ll have the strength to not be sucked in again. Once I truly believe it was all an act is when I think I’ll really start to heal. Of course I’m not close to that yet. But I’ll give myself time and not be too hard on myself.
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Stargazer says:
Sadie, I used to break down in my car driving home from work every day when sad songs came on the radio. It took a while for me to recover, considering it was a very short affair I had with him. For a long time, every step of the grieving process, I considered whether deep down he might have really loved me. Maybe he was a DIFFERENT kind of sociopath….blah blah blah. Those thoughts don’t really go away until the grieving is over. At least they didn’t for me. But once I was done, I was done. I can now look at his pictures without the slightest twinge of emotion. He is just a memory to me – without the emotional tone. The label of “sociopath” is important only in the degree of evil and destruction they cause. But there are many abusive types that are all over the spectrum of antisocial and other personality disorders. To me it doesn’t much matter what they are. If they treat me like crap, I’m done.
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Sadie73 says:
I can’t wait to get to that point and be free of this. I’m having the same thoughts and wondering if maybe he only has CERTAIN spath traits and really DOES love me.
Exactly…..call it what you want but the fact is this man has treated me DESPICABLY. For that alone, he can go to Hell.
So much makes sense now. He recently just touched on the subject of an abusive childhood (only enough to get me to feel bad for him), his weird disconnect that I’ve felt a few times but couldn’t put my finger on and the walking on eggshells thing. Stuff he wouldn’t talk about if I brought it up but would talk freely about it a few days earlier. WT EFFIN F?!!!!
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Stargazer says:
Yeah, mine said his father used to punch him in the face. And a few weeks later he was talking about how wonderful his family was. It’s the pity play. They all do it.
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Sadie73 says:
You know up until yesterday, I was completely jealous of his other women ‘friends’ and thought his ex wife was crazy (as he told me). Now I just feel pity for them because chances are they are in my same situation but just at different stages of it. I’d bet on it.
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Stargazer says:
Sadie, I would bet you are completely right about that. If he treated you like that, do you think he treats any others any better?
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
Sadie – BINGO!
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Sadie73 says:
Nope, Star I sure don’t. This bastard isn’t capable of that nor does he care. Secondly, I have a suspicion he is getting back with his last girlfriend. That poor, poor woman……
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skylar says:
Sadie,
very nice. You’re a quick study. it takes some people WEEKS before they can get to your realization. I attribute it to your intellect and readiness to know the truth and also to the EXPERTS here on LF. They know the drill, they get it and they can’t be fooled.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
i just reread the article on this thread. i remember saying a while ago (after an experience in which my father said he would ‘lay a beating on’ someone who was 1/4 of his age) that I *got* my father in that moment – pure testosterone and power driven.
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KatyDid says:
Athena
I am not still there. I am 2000 miles away and wasted a couple of years being a basket case. But I got me back and I stand on some pretty solid ground. No LF for me until a year ago or I think with these savvy people, I’d have relied on my perceptions LONG ago. After life with my spath, I doubted EVERYTHING and Everybody. To be suspicious of kindness, that’s how miserably low I was. Lower that a toads behind. Pretty apt considering I am a toad! Ha! That’s so funny. I was lower than my own behind! Well truth is, I’m not pretty. But ya know what matters?YEP. It’s how I TREAT people, what I am INSIDE. That alone makes ME and all the others here on LF WINNERS.
And it’s b/c of the other woman that I can get divorced. He can’t stop me or else she will find out what a liar he is, and he can’t have that. Not the control freak I know him to be. He MUST WIN!! or at least he thinks so.
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tobehappy says:
Sadie…
Its really difficult at first. I went back with my xb/f after four months. By then, our minds have a way to block out the negative in life, and I was thinking…I KNOW he loved me. (which he did…he loved what I gave to HIM. I was great “supply”, which these types always NEED…someone. They can’t be alone.)
So, he sucked me in with lies..”we’ll get married…I realize I love you…blah blah blah”.
(the “abuse” cycle was starting)
Then, after four months, it was back to the same. So, I ended it again. Didn’t trust him. Couldn’t ever again. Caught him in lies.
Four months later, he was back and I let him back! (cycle constinues). This time, I told him, “no sex, just start over as friends”. He couldn’t do it. He started bugging me for sex and manipulating me with gifts. I wouldn’t do it. So, he ended it, telling me that I’m “not filling his needs”. A decent man would be happy to have me back and give it time. Thats normal. He wasn’t normal.
Then, a few months later, he called me out of the clear blue. By this time.. “I” was DONE. I told him again…we can just keep in touch and talk on the phone. He agreed.
But, he tried to manipulate me again. I grew so much in all of this time. I saw him for what he was…I put the brainwashing words out of my head…and I lost all feelings for him.
I finally woke up.
The stronger you get, you realize that you don’t really want him. I was just lonely and settling. It wasn’t worth it.
So, he discarded me as a friend. He thought he was hurting me. He told me he met someone else…thinking I would get jealous. I was happy that he did, although I doubted it. lol
My point is that when you deprogram yourself from his brainwashing you with words, and you realize that its all selfish on his part…he wants you for his OWN selfish needs…and that these types are incapable of unconditional true love….you won’t want him. They get you tangled up and confused into their little world, and you are just living a fantasy. And its painful and confusing and SO not worth it!
I decided that I want a normal man..not disordered,…or I don’t want a man in my life. My life is full of love from others..I don’t need someone to use me for their own needs and give me false love.
Mine was married and divorced twice. He is incapable of having a REAL relationship. Anyone to get involved with him will need to cater to his needs, which are mostly sexual.
He really hates women…just uses them for sex. His mother abandoned him at 12…never saw her again. Terrible childhood.
What did I expect.
My neice just had a baby with her dysfunctional boyfriend and is in the abuse cycle. She knew his awful background and he’s abused her over and over, physically and mentally. Yet, she made the choice to stay and have a baby with him.
She is young and dumb, and insecure. She’s got a long road ahead of her. I feel sorry for the baby. Another abuse cycle…perpetrating.
I taught my girls to look at person for what he is. He isn’t going to change. And the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
If we choose to allow these types to manipulate us…we have to pay the price. I did. Now I’ve learned and the next boyfriend will be totally different. When you feel strong and good about yourself, you don’t settle.
Sounds like your’e on the right track. Don’t get derailed by his manipulations. They will be REALLY strong now.
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Clover22 says:
Hi, Sadie here. My prior account was not recognized. Paranoid much?
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tobehappy says:
There comes a point in your life when you have the right to get rid of people in your life that really don’t care about you.
I am much happier now that the only people in my life are people who genuinely care about my girls and me.
My brother has Thanksgiving at his house every year. He cooks. His wife doesn’t like to cook. She is very tempermental angry person. This year she didn’t invite my other brother and his wife because they didn’t come to see her daughter in a High School play.
She told me that I cannot come this year if I have to bring Darla, my little kitten. Darla is in a crate and sleeps all of the time. When she cries, we hand feed her or carefully lift her over the litter box. My brother has a 5 thousand sq ft mansion. She said their dog can open doors to the rooms and hates cats! She offered for us to put her high on a shelf in the garage in case the dog gets into the garage.
So, I told her we would stay home. I invited some people last minute and we are going to cook here.
You see, I stay clear of evil people. I would never do the things she does to people. So, I don’t want to be around heartless people.
Her children were looking forward to being with their cousins. I hope they don’t end up with her bitterness toward life.
These types are out there. Its up to us to avoid them.
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Ox Drover says:
ToBEHappy
You say “There comes a point in your life when you have the right to get rid of people in your life that really don’t care about you.”
That point SHOULD be the day you start breathing on your own, but it is usually at age 18 if you are a US citizen….
Your SIL would have found some OTHER “REASON” (read: EXCUSE) that you couldn’t have come if you had agreed to put Darla high up on the roof top just in case her dogs could climb telephone poles. LOL She did not want you to come so she devised a “reason” that you would NOT come. LOL Boy is she “subtle” NOT!!!!! LOL ROTFRLMAO You at least won’t have to eat with her in the room and spoil your digestion.
Well, the thing is that you have to make the decision about who you want to associate with, and there is always collateral damage, like your kids don’t get to see their cousins or the rest of your brother’s family, but YOUR BROTHER CHOOSES TO STAY WITH THIS WOMAN AND TO ALLOW HER TO MAKE RULES THAT EXCLUDE YOU, SO HE IS A “FENCE SITTER” as Sky would say, and he ALLOWS her to be rude to you, so he is NOT YOUR FRIEND EITHER….
Have a happy TG day!!!!! P-FREE!!!
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tobehappy says:
Thanks Oxy….
Both of my brothers stay with women who control them. My mother was a controlling sociopath, so they married their “mother” so to speak. Wimps. Not men.
This brother lets his wife cause drama for YEARS with the family. He doesn’t have a backbone. My other brother and their family isn’t invited this year either. My one sister hasn’t bothered with them for years, because his wife wouldn’t allow her to visit and bring her dog! They live in a mansion with lots of rooms, a basement and huge yard. My sister even offered to keep the dog outside! I didn’t think she would make a big deal about a kitten in a crate buried in blankets, sleeping all day! Wow…
She wouldn’t allow my neice to come last year because she doesn’t like her boyfriend! So, I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised about her not wanting an injured kitten.
Needless to say, its meant to be. We only see them on holidays and when one of their kids are in a show. I ALWAYS show up to support the my neices and nephews. And this is how I get treated.
His wife is uneducated and bitter. When I called during a hurricane, she asked me where I was putting my dogs! She always has a excuse of why we can’t come. Then she complains about noone ever visiting her.
Well, it takes all kinds. My brothers don’t have backbones. Its not their fault, I guess. Growing up with a totally abusive mother who controlled my Dad and all five of us….this is what results. It’s learned behavior.
My brother is highly intelligent and married someone beneath him so that he could control her. He’s hit her and can’t even own a gun since before they married. Another “wonderful” healthy marriage. He works hard and makes good money, but drinks a bottle of wine every single night. Their kids curse and have emotional problems….expected.
So, they only have my one sister going to dinner Thurs and she is only going because her daughter is. The guests get smaller each year. What a shame. He’s a great cook and works hard and has a wife that chases everyone away. All she does is clean up.
Another result of a sociopath mother. Dysfunctional children.
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skylar says:
To be happy,
that’s sad. Families split apart because one bad apple spoiled the cart. My family is also a mess. Actually I don’t even consider them family anymore. Just weirdos I once knew…
I think it is for the best because of Darla. She is not fit to be put into any more stress with a car ride and an evening where she isn’t in her home. She’s suffering too much as it is right now and she needs to save ALL of her strength for her recovery. Something like this could set her back.
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tobehappy says:
Same as it ever was…Skylar.
My mom turned us all against each other growing up. Divide and conquer. And this is the result. I learned NEVER to talk about one child against another.
I just found out my SIL’s sister decided not to go up for Thanksgiving to my brother’s. Wow, poor guy. His wife is chasing everyone away!
I give up on my family. Its the only time we all get together…once a year. And, now thats over.
Throughout my life, I’ve seen this in everyone’s family. Imagine that. No wonder the world has no peace. Blood is not thicker than water. Unless that quote originated from a different planet.
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Louise says:
tobehappy:
Uh, yep! I posted that here months ago about how men marry their mothers. Looks like your brothers are perfect examples. I see it all the time! My X spath married his mother also. Seems to me that they all do!
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skylar says:
my spath told me, “you remind me of my mother”.
I, in no way, resemble his mother. Perhaps his ability to manipulate me reminded him of her. I know he despised his mother deep down. So maybe he hates me as much as he does her. When his mask finally came off and he was planning to kill me, his mask toward his mother came off simultaneously. He called her a c**t.
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tobehappy says:
Louise….
Children observe…they watch and learn. My brothers learned to let a woman control them.
My g/f’s son is watching her husband treat her like she is nothing…owes him everything. He has already punched her in the mouth. Another abuser in the making!
My girls have been raised by me alone…learned that when a man mistreats you…you get rid of him. I hope and pray they never put up with what I did from men in my life.
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Ox Drover says:
2B,
QUOTE YOU:
My brother is highly intelligent and married someone beneath him so that he could control her. He’s hit her and can’t even own a gun since before they married. Another “wonderful” healthy marriage. He works hard and makes good money, but drinks a bottle of wine every single night. Their kids curse and have emotional problems….expected.
So, they only have my one sister going to dinner Thurs and she is only going because her daughter is. The guests get smaller each year. What a shame. He’s a great cook and works hard and has a wife that chases everyone away. All she does is clean up.
Another result of a sociopath mother. Dysfunctional children.
AND YOU WANT TO GO TO THESE PEOPLE’S HOUSE/EVENTS ***WHY?****
It sounds like your brothers are both NOT NICE guys either…..
QUOTE: This brother lets his wife cause drama for YEARS with the family. He doesn’t have a backbone.
QUOTE: Both of my brothers stay with women who control them. My mother was a controlling sociopath, so they married their “mother” so to speak. Wimps. Not men.
QUOTE: My brother is highly intelligent and married someone beneath him so that he could control her. He’s hit her and can’t even own a gun since before they married. Another “wonderful” healthy marriage. He works hard and makes good money, but drinks a bottle of wine every single night. Their kids curse and have emotional problems….expected.
MY RESPONSE”: SO WHAT if he “works hard and makes good money?”
I again say, and “you want to go to these people’s house WHY? Or to associate with their kids who CURSE AND HAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS? And allow your kids to associate with them?
2B, there is NO USE in being around people like this because you are right BLOOD IS NOT THICKER THAN WATER…..and no amount of blood should make4 us associate with a psychopath or their spathy offspring. (((hugs))))
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KatyDid says:
SkyLar,
When my husband excused his bad behavior by saying he felt the need to “be cautious”, I told him, “You keep trying to turn me into your mother. You respond to me as if I would do the things your mom does. I don’t b/c I’m not. I don’t think that awful way that she does.”
Whether you look like his mom or act like his mom is MOOT. The problem was he related to you as IF you had the same characteristics as his mom.
I so empathize. My husband CLAIMS to love his mom so much that he told her their souls were tied together for all eternity. Yet, he doesn’t believe in souls, and he absolutely HATES her.
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tobehappy says:
Funny, Oxy, I never want to get together with the family for holidays. It’s only been the past few years that everyone tried to get together at my brother’s home since he loves to cook and entertain.
His wife always had a problem with someone…as I wrote earlier. I’m not even sure he knew about her antics. Noone visits them because of her attitude. But, you would think that one day out of the year, we could get together.
I went because my kids felt good, after many years of me not bothering with them…knowing they have extended family. But, its not real anyway. They arent close. My girls enjoyed the “family” atmosphere.
Its not worth it anymore. This year the SIL is mad at the other SIL and the other SIL is mad at her sister…etc.
I don’t need “drama” in my life. I live a nice peaceful life with my girls…my close friends…my neighbor ….and our pets.
I just think she was being a cold turkey and very nasty about it….which surprised me, since we haven’t really seen each other in awhile.
Done with her now. I will be NC from here on in.
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Ox Drover says:
2B,
Yea, that “pretend family” carp is just that, CARP—rotten fish! LOL The “pretense” of family closeness is just FAKE and there is no reason that your girls should think that this is “real”–this is a “teachable moment” Me thinks….a time you can show your girls what is REALLY important is not the big house, or the good food, but TREATING each other well….auntie doesn’t treat people well, so we will not be going to auntie’s house, or uncle’s either, as he doesn’t either care or know about how auntie treats us….so we don’t need him in our lives either.
Great opportunity for teaching your girls.
Hope Darla is doing well. (((hugs)))
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ErinBrock says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
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ErinBrock says:
Songs of rational for my LF friends……Feel good tonight!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
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ErinBrock says:
Let’s stray from the sidewalk folks….start tomorrow!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
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tobehappy says:
Thank you Oxy…
I crashed out early last night. Still trying to catch up on my sleep from all the trauma and stress with Darla. She was up at 4am …figured out that she was hungry. Fed her and put her back to sleep. I swear, its just like bringing home a newborn. I don’t know how I did it with 3! …looking back now. omg.
You are SO right. Its all a facade. You see, after my mom passed, in 2002, and made me executor of her will..that brother took a fit and caused problems because my mom left me more money than the rest…because I was the only one who helped her with her 4 yr battle with cancer. Me…with 3 babies …2 in my arms! Running her to NYC for treatments while going thru my divorce.
Anyway, I didn’t talk to my family for a few years. Noone helped me with my girls after my divorce. Then a few years ago, everyone started to forgive and forget, for the kids’ sakes. So, every year we all got together up at my brothers.
We were all trying to get the family back together.
Then, last year, his wife started trouble..getting angry if we didn’t come to see her daughter and son in plays…etc. I was at every event…even though I couldn’t afford the NYC trips..which costed 200 a clip with travel expense! I did it to support my neice and to teach my kids about “family” loyalty.
His wife grew up in Puerto Rico with a tyrant mom and her Dad brought the kids to No.America when she was 15. She is uneducated…a drop out. My brother was 22 when he met her. She was 16. He had been burnt by first wife who was highly intelligent and independent. So, he chose someone to CONTROL. Yet, SHE calls the shots at home. Their marraige has been nothing but fighting over the years. My brother even cheats on her for sex.
So, this isn’t a big happy family living in a million dollar home. It’s all a facade. Makes me sick.
But,as I said…my girls enjoyed being with all of their cousins once a year. It became tradition.
So, this year, they are down to my one sister and her b/f, who wouldn’t even go …but her daughter and b/f are travelling to go.
Today, I woke up and felt peace about it. It is what it is. She’s nasty and I don’t need to be around her anymore or bother with them. Their kids are all mixed up..one couldn’t make a semester in college…he just dropped out and went home for mom and dad to take care of him. The daughter is an emotional wreck…hyper and upset all of the time. They both curse a lot. Even my sister’s b/f doesn’t go there because he thinks they are disrespectful. They are.
So, its meant to be that we stay home and my neighbor (who is like a mom to me) is coming for dinner…and my uncle from up north. We will eat, lite a fire, and have a peaceful day with Darla at home.
I’m tired to trying to “make believe” we have family. We don’t. Not once have they helped me in all the 11 yrs I’ve raised my children alone. Once, when first separated, I asked my brother for 100 dollars for xmas gifts for my girls. He told me to write to some guy in the newspr that helps people. (He makes 300k a yr!) So be it.
Need I say more?
Thank you Oxy. Your wisdom is beyond valuable.
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Ox Drover says:
2B,
So many people try to have this “holiday family togetherness” that we see on TV (that people are trying to sell us stuff as “gifts” for these people present.) Or we see the paintings by Normal Rockwell that show the loving family around the TG table…but you know, that is NOT what most of us have.
I got to the point with my egg donor years ago that I went up with my husband and sons to the living history group’s Thanksgiving week camp out at a near by state park where we put on 4-5 days of events for the public and the people who are up there camping for the holiday….that way I didn’t have to be at egg donor’s house with Uncle Monster. Then she would start in about Christmas with Uncle Monster, and so Ii would take my kids and/or husband and go out of state to someone else’s house for the holidays.
It was always the same crying, whining nasty sheet about how I was “ruining her Christmas”—one year in the middle of onen of her crying tiraides (spelling?) I asked her “what do you think you are doing to MY Christmas?” She never even answered me, because I can SEE now that it was ALL ABOUT HER CONTROL.
I didn’t see what was going on then, of course–well, actually I think I was starting to “see the light” somewhat but I was denying it. I lived in denial most of my life with what was going on in my family.
Your brother marrying what he THOUGHT was a “compliant” foreign woman is a typical thing that some men that I have known seem to do, but usually it bites them in the butt one way or another. Your brother sounds like a psychopath himself.
Your brother refusing to loan you $100 and referring you to some charitable organization sounds JUST LIKE his wife refusing to take you in during the hurricane because of your dogs. They DESERVE each other as far as I can see, a typical two-psychopath relationship where they prey off each other and mutually abuse each other. You are better off without them, and I think you can use them as a teaching moment for your kids that the kind of life they live in their big house is nothing but a SHELL of a family, with a rotten egg on the inside. Jesus called them “whited tombs” that looked beautiful on the outside but were filled with rotting corpses on the inside. Perfect example of these families I think. Perfect example of these people as well.
Hope you have a happy Turkey day with your friends and family that love you! Hope Darla is doing better too. Yep, a sick pet or a milk cow is just like a baby, gotta be there on schedule to feed and care for them!
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SueK says:
2 years after I was dumped for the second time by my spath I catch glimpses of my old smile once in a while. I have started singing around the house and around the kids again. What I realized is we all knew from the start that we had a different kind of love than the other relationships around us. But we faked it on the outside to look good. When we were first in love with these guys we knew our deep love for them would change them. So why then after months and even years of lies would we still think we could change them? They are takers and they take all the love out of us. So in the end when they dump us isnt it ironic that their lack of love was able to change us.We end up zombies and somewhat looking like the spath. No love can change a spath, and if you are in love with one know, each lie will take a bit out of you each time.In the end he/she will have changed you. So take control as this site always suggests, no contact,no contact, no contact. It is the only thing you can do to take control back. In the end you may catch your old smile again. We cant let them control any more of our lives as they had, or else they win.
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SueK says:
2 years after I was dumped for the second time by my spath I catch glimpses of my old smile once in a while. I have started singing around the house and around the kids again. What I realized is we all knew from the start that we had a different kind of love than the other relationships around us. But we faked it on the outside to look good. When we were first in love with these guys we knew our deep love for them would change them. So why then after months and even years of lies would we still think we could change them? They are takers and they take all the love out of us. So in the end when they dump us isnt it ironic that their lack of love was able to change us.We end up zombies and somewhat looking like the spath. No love can change a spath, and if you are in love with one know, each lie will take a bit out of you each time.In the end he/she will have changed you. So take control as this site always suggests no contact. It is the only thing you can do to take control back. In the end you may catch your old smile again. We cant let them control any more of our lives as they had, or else they win.
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Ox Drover says:
Good points SueK, TOWANDA!!!!
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tobehappy says:
Oxy,
You are so right. In my “hungarian” family genes, there were lots of tyrants. Both grandfather’s were.One, I heard, murdered someone in Europe. My mom’s Dad. He also had a child from an affair, who is somewhere in Hungary. My brother looks like him and takes after him. My father’s dad sexually abused my sisters. I was tough, and “hated” him and refused to stay with him when I was young…even ran away with my coat on and all, when I was 3, while he babysat us. He was a pervert. My mother’s brother committed suicide.
So, I sometimes wonder where “I” came from…because my whole family is really F&cked up. I wondered that when I was ten yrs old…imagine that!
Yes, you are right. Time to stop living in fantasyland. My SIL blames my nephews “issues” on my brother. They fight about it all of the time. He dresses like a woman and my SIL wonders if he’s gay. There’s a lot more to this story.
They have a mansion in an affluent town, but guess what. My spathy brother put in a 40k resort yard…pool(that noone ever uses!) and all, and now can’t pay his mortgage, and is in foreclosure! So, he is careless with his money..spends like a drunkin sailor (another spath trait…recklessness) and so its ALL a facade!
Well, this Thanksgiving taught me something. I learned that its not worth it for one day, to put on a show for my children.
They now dislike their aunt and don’t want to be bothered anymore….they saw her true colors.
Another detail: (the devils’ in the detail….lol)…My neice has been trying to get an agent in NYC to act and model for years. MY SIL wouldn’t give us any advice on photographers..etc…knowing that MY daughter has the same goals. When my daughter was spotted in NYC and signed with an agent…all she could do is speak negatively about the agency and business. Also, my neice dumped my daughter to “hang out” with becuase a boy she had a longtime crush on, made comments about wanting to meet my daughter because she was so cute! So, she takes after her mom..my SIL. Jealous type.
No great loss. My gain. I learned a lesson and I am teaching my children about not associating with abusive, jealous people.
Thanks Oxy. “Thanks for giving” and you DO help so many people on here!
2b
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Ox Drover says:
Dear 2B,
Thank you…sounds like your family might be kin to mine, I didn’t realize I had Hungarian ancestors though! LOL But with the promiscuious behavior of psychopaths, you never know WHO you might actually be kin to. LOL ROTFLMAO There is a saying among genealogists “mama’s baby, daddy’s….maybe” LOL ROTFLMAO
A great many people put in “resort yards” or live in “resort houses” that they never could afford and that is why the real estate market is tanking and our economy is tanking…people wanted to live like kings, couldn’t afford it, lived in fantasy land and felt ENTITLED to “the best” but weren’t willing to work for it.
I’m glad you are starting to sort out all these “relatives” and to THIN our your rolodex.
In my case it definitely makes for a SMALL family…just me and my adopted son pretty much except for some wonderful, but very elderly, cousins on the sperm donor’s side. I really dont’ have a loving or trusting relationship with anyone else.
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FreeToBeMe58 says:
My thoughts and prayers out to you all during the very difficult holiday season. I was married to a spath for 30 years (divorced Jan 2011) and sadly my brother married one 6 years ago. They wreak a havoc that no one can fully comprehend until they’ve lived it.
May we all heal a little more with each holiday that passes and I hope that each person can find at least one aspect of their life to be grateful for this holiday season.
Blessings, love and light to all.
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skylar says:
Congratulations Freetobeme, on your parole from your spath prison.
Continue to read and learn because you will be amazed at how much you learn about yourself as you try to understand the spath. In that way, you might be able to enlighten your brother one day.
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Ox Drover says:
Thank you free2Bme,
Holidays ARE what we MAKE THEM TO BE, not some Norman Rockwellian fantasy! LOL I got to where I hated the holidays, because they were ALL about the egg donor’s “vision” of our family around the holiday table with her brother, my UNCLE MONSTER! I couldn’t do it….so about 15 years ago I started having TG with my living history group at as state Park near here where we celebrated and have a good time with our friends, and NO DRAMA!!!!
Christmas I would take my kids and go visit friends in another state. Now that my family is just down to me and my adopted son D, we still don’t have any DRAMA, just peace and contentment….so I am getting back a bit to where I am not totally FREAKED OUT just by the bad memories of Christmas Past and can just have a quite, calm and PEACEFUL time with those I love. Egg donor shot herself in the foot with her screaming and crying and demanding that I “not ruin her Christmas”—well, she sure ruined a bunch for me! NO MORE though! Holidays are what we make them, even if we do it alone in the privacy of our own home!
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callmeathena says:
I don’t know where else to post it, so please excuse a different train of thought. But.
Skylar was saying that she thought these various PDs are along a continuium or a spectrum of deficits in emotional maturity. (Sky, please correct me if I am wrong).
I found this article today about how people who have schitzophrenia actually DO see things differently than “normals”. I wondered if this is related to the issue we see with SPATHS in their predatory gaze. I thought it was very interesting.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/re.....102557.htm
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Ox Drover says:
Athena,
I think that there are several things about people that make what they “see” different than what other people “see”—for example, color blindness, tone deafness, and various mental conditions as well.
Have you seen those pictures that if you look at them one way they are a vase or if you look at them another way are a woman’s face? Or that one of the woman sitting in front of a mirror, and if you look at it another way it is an image of a skull?
Some people have difficulty seeing both images, just like this one in the article you linked to.
This is a good article.
Also, what we “see” I think depends on what we have been told is “good or bad” as well. That’s why different cultures see different acts in one way from how another culture would see it.
For example in some countries a person would be stoned for adultery and that would be seen as a good thing to do, but in our culture we would not see that as a reasonable punishment for the same behavior.
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FreeToBeMe58 says:
LOL, thank you, Skylar. I have periodically visited this site over the past couple of years however did not contribute as my ex-spath was accessing my computers. Not being a techno-geek it took me awhile to figure out that he had the router IP/password and could access all of my computers any time he wanted to. That has since been remedied!
Sadly my brother’s wife is a psychologist so her opinion is as good as gold to both him and my other brother. Oh the stories I have.
Currently I am in the process of finalizing my Mom’s estate (she passed April 2011, miss her so much. Funeral was a nightmare with the spath SIL and her influence on my brothers) and making sure I cover my a$$ in every possible way in managing the assets. It’s been difficult but it is what it is and I know there is hope for the future. We are survivors!
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FreeToBeMe58 says:
Oxy, I so agree that holidays are what we make them! My family is also down to me, my adult son (and a very sweet Maine Coon cat) however he has to work holidays. This year I reserved a suite for Christmas Eve with a gas fireplace at the hotel he works at as a Christmas gift to myself. Am very fortunate that my son is a very caring person and also that I have a dear friend whose family has “adopted” me with open arms so I still feel love in my life. Every day I work on holding on to all that is positive in my life and letting go of all that isn’t……and I think I’m making progress!
May you and your son find many blessings within each other over the holiday season.
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