Sociopaths and their smear campaigns
PDF Lovefraud received the following letter from a woman who was married to a sociopath for 16 years.
I was a stay-at-home mom until my son entered kindergarten, then I got a job. This was the end of any peace I would have for 10 years. The worst possible thing happened to my husband—the woman he could make fun of for being stupid or having no goals (whatever he would say to hurt my self-esteem) became a huge success. In fact, I made three times as much as Mr. Wonderful. The abuse escalated. He was so obsessed with destroying me that even on a business trip where I was getting an award for being the top sales rep in my company, he was pulling my boss aside and insinuating I was committing fraud and that was why I was #1.
For the last year of my marriage, he had convinced me to hand over all extra money so he could invest for “our” future. I did it thinking it was his ego that was hurt from my success. I didn’t know what he was then.
He spent a year hiding every dime, transferring every debt into my name, making up horrible stories about me to my friends and family. He would go talk to them in tears and say I was stealing all of our money and cheating on him. He would say how much he loved me and ask for advice, then have them swear not to say anything to me because he wanted our marriage to work. He even went so far to pull cousins, aunts and uncles aside during my grandmother’s funeral to say these things.
At the end of the year, while I was packing for a very large business meeting that was to announce a promotion for me, he told me he had cancer.
I believed him. Who besides a sociopath would say such a lie to their wife? That whole evening was spent crying and upset that my husband had cancer. Then I asked him a simple question, “Who is your doctor?” He couldn’t answer. Who would forget their cancer doctor? Then I realized, if he had been going to the doctor for such a serious illness, where were all the insurance bills? I have been to the doctor for a cold and gotten a bill from a lab, the doctor, then a follow-up from the insurance company to pay more, etc. I kicked him out.
I went to my business meeting and the onslaught of horrible screaming calls to the receptionist began from him. An entire week of this, while I was supposed to be there receiving a promotion. I left without the promotion and was basically fired… “maybe you need to take some time to attend to personal problems.”
When I came home, I filed for divorce, cried for weeks and then looked around to find our money to pay bills. It was hidden; not a trace of paperwork was left. Every bill was in my name only. My friends, my family, my neighbors, even customers, no longer spoke to me. I deserved this, in their eyes.
Three years later, I still have nobody who fully believes me. I have one friend. My parents and I speak, but I don’t trust them not talk to my husband. If he has any information on me, he does whatever he can to destroy me. He abandoned our son, moved to another state to live with the next victim. My own sister sends him cards and letters and won’t speak to me.
The smear campaign
This woman was subjected to a smear campaign from her husband, the sociopath.
Abusers often use this tactic to cover up their own behavior and convince others that they are the ones being victimized. In fact, abusers frequently start the campaign as a pre-emptive strike, long before the relationship with the true victim collapses.
That’s what happened to the woman who wrote the letter. As the sociopath was getting ready to move on—he probably had his next victim already lined up—he laid the groundwork to destroy his wife. With his tears and skill as a liar, he convinced the woman’s friends and family of his story. They became unwitting co-conspirators.
What can you do?
Fighting the smear campaign is difficult. Most honest people can’t imagine that someone would be lying when making the outrageous charges that the sociopath claims, so they believe the lies. When the true victim finds out what has been said, everyone has already turned against her.
MSN Psychopath, a forum for victims, has a page about the smear campaign with suggestions on how to handle it. For example:
If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop sign) and say something like, “I don’t want to hear anything about him. He’s lying.” Say no more. If it continues, say, “My lawyer recommends I warn people they will have to testify where they heard that, should this turn into a libel or slander lawsuit.” Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told.
Some more ideas: Say nothing but burst out with raucous laughter, slap your knee and laugh like crazy. “You should have heard what he said about his ex-girlfriend (ex-wife, you, his sister).” You get the idea.
Your own pre-emptive action
Once your relationship falls apart and you realize you’re dealing with a sociopath, or once you start to hear the lies, you may want to take your own pre-emptive action. Warn your family, friends, co-workers and the Human Resources Department at your job that the sociopath may start saying terrible things about you. This may work if their perceptions haven’t already been poisoned by the sociopath.
It may help to be able to explain why a person would say such terrible things. The reason, of course, is that the person is a sociopath. But as we all know, very few people understand what that means. To help others comprehend what you are dealing with, send them a link to Lovefraud.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Stormee, that was a B-IG hug, not a G-IG hug! LOL I should remember to use spell check! ha ha I know you are proud of her and you sure have a right to be! That is just sooooo AWESOME for a young person to GET IT about psychopaths. So many of the kids are so into hormones that they throw all good sense to the winds and end up in a mess. You are to be congratulated for raising a bright and great kid, and she is to be congratulated for being such an outstanding example of a SMART CHICK!
My own sons are 31 and 39 and just NOW getting it completely. LOL Although actually the younger one got it before the latest episode from being engaged to one. At least he had sense enough to dump her!
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simplystupid says:
Hi in posting my story I am experiencing fear in that somehow he may find my post, find me and somehow punish me for letting my feelings out.
When I first met him he was loving and incredible but prone to playing games, I was always worried that he was stealing from me and he assured me that he was not called me mad etc. Long story short he was stealing from me and was cheating on me, and also when found out domestically assaulted me. After the attack I was persecuted by his family who said I wouldnt know a beating if it hit me in the face.
I left and went overseas but never could forget him. Turns out all his past girlfriends did this. I never really understood him and had really loved him deep down to my soul. I thought we were soul mates. I never got over the hurt that had happened and could never trust anyone. He had all the classic features of a sociopath which until now I could not see. Compulsive lying drug and alcohol addiction so on and so on…
Several years later we met up again, he explained that he truly loved me and things were just as amazing as before. Then after some time I realized that he was still using me he had no feelings of empathy. I should have learnt the first time. I was told he was a sociopath by a friend and he once admitted that he was, only to deny it the next morning and say how mad I was and how it was my fault for ruining his life.
I found it hard to get away from him as whenever i would ask him to leave he would threaten me with telling everyone that I was such a bad person. The thing is people believe his lies. He is so charming and fun that even if they dont believe it they are happy to go along with it just to have fun with him.
I WIN I WIN was his favourite saying. Because he was obsessed with me I thought that to mean that he loved me. I want to go back because the good times were so good. But in reading this site I realize what a fool I have been and that it will never be true love.
He blames me and threatens me also uses others to do so, he dosn’t realise that he is in the wrong and says it is all my fault.
I realise now what he really wanted that was money sex and power, of which he was not prepared to work for (maybe the sex) and used me to get that
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ErinBrock says:
SImplystupid:
I say…..change that screen name to simplysmart!!!!
Don’t be hard on yourself….they are masters at chamelionography……
They are fun, they are charming…..they are what ‘we’ want…..in affect…..but they aren’t that to the core.
You are worthy of a person to love you unconditionally…..and treat you nice.
We all are.
If you feel unsafe posting…..keep indentifying info out. Most of our stories sound the same….in one way or another, but I understand your concern.
Anyways….welcome to LF and stick around. You will find so muhc healing info here and support too!!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Simply, YOU ARE NOT STUPID! But you are very welcome here at LoveFraud and I am very glad you found your way here. I think though that many if not all of us ahve felt at one tim eor another that we were stupid to be so used by these monsters, but we are NOT stupid, they are just very good at what they do and they have no heart or soul or conscience and they use ours to turn it against us like a weapon.
Are you still with this monster? If you, plan your escape, and don’t let him know what you are up to. Read the articles here, all the ones in the archives and learn about the psychopaths and strengthen yourself. you are NOT STUPID you are WOUNDED but you can heal, and you can become stronger, and you can ESCAPE from his clutches. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless you and protect you!
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shabbychic says:
SS, no, you are not stupid, we didn’t know there were lizards like this walking among us. Now that you know, maybe that will help you get over him. I know what you mean about wanting to go back, I have felt that way, but I just can NOT live a lie, I will know in my heart, and I won’t deny my truth just to have him as a companion, I would be so miserable. Hope you stay and keep posting and reading the articles. This site has helped me sooooooo much!!!!
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simplystupid says:
Thank you all so much, I couldnt understand how he could love me soooo much and still keep hurting me.
He told me everybody hated me alienated me from my friends so I thought he was the only one who loved me.
When we were friends before starting the relationship I heard him on the phone to his partner saying your paranoid I am at work with a smile on his face and then reached over trying to kiss me (at the same time!!!). He abused her totally and would gleefully exclaim I win I am in total control.
I went back as a friend to see if he did really love me and his girlfriend left him and he blamed me for everything even though we were friends. He was very forceful and made me feel obliged. I am stupid for falling for it when I actually saw how badly he was abusing his last partner.
He said that if I approached any of his circle of friends he would hurt me as I am not touchable. He keeps telling everyone he will turn my name to mud.
I feel so grateful to have found this site. As if I tell people the truth they tell him and the abuse starts. He manages to scare us all into not telling anyone. I am truly scared.
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simplystupid says:
I suspect he is a sexual abuser and he (unknown to me until now) has had several charges against him and I am not sure what for. He is very vengeful and he says that I am mentally ill even though I have no history of it and he is the one that has been institutionalised. He keeps telling me women are coming on to him but it is him that is doing it. God I believed him, but i realise now he actually enjoys hurting people he told me once.
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simplystupid says:
Thank you I am planning my escape but am blasted by fear great reading fantastic website
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OxDrover says:
Dear Simply,
Get your finances and “ducks in a row” and do not let anyoone know what you are up to. At this point don’t trust anyone not to let him know. They dupe others into being spies for them. They other people may just be tricked, as you were in the past.
I suggest that you look to your own safety first and just get out, even if you must go to a shelter and leave everything you own behind. YOUR SAFETY is the most important thing. If you have friends in another area of the state or world, or family maybe you could go there.
It will be scary but the less he knows or suspects the better for you. YOu will need some time to heal and the best and easiest way is to NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM, no lettyers, texts, phone calls, NOTHING. And don’t let anyone talk to you about him, if you do you are at risk of letting him get back control of you. You are viewed as a possession, not a person and he wants to continue control so he will lie lie lie. ((((Hugs))))) and God bless. Stay strong! You are stronger than you know!
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Kitten says:
My first encounter with my s/p, I’ll call him “Panic in Detroit”, was almost 4 yrs ago. I was selling a leather jacket on ebay. He bids on the jacket and started a conversation with me….the conversation moved offline from ebay and the manipulation, lies and emotional rape began….my last contact with him was 11 days ago, and I am hoping it is done forever.
I live in fear everyday he will reappear in my life at any time. He has a new victim now, and I can only pray he is done with me, because I am donewith him. Classic signs, now that I know what a s/p is….alcohol issues, in and out of work, transient with his living arrangements, rage issues with other people, always right, removing people from his life without cause, two bad divorces, always the female who messed up the relationship with him. He has two children, one was jailed for arson when he was 17 – another s/p, just like his father. This person was a very good friend, who always professed his love to me for many years. I live in PA and only encountered him on a physical basis 5 times in 4 yrs. when he came to town looking for work and to see me. Our relationship was at a high point, I’d say in an awesome place one day and the next day he cut me off at the knees telling me he was with this new woman and he wanted no contact with me at all….no email, no phone, no text messages, he was staying with her forever. I wrote back how funny that was, because he never stayed with anyone, “forever”. I said, “father of the year, husband of the year, now boyfriend of the year, what a lucky little bar whore she was….the I told him he would crash and burn as he always does…I “thought” I helped him through suicide, the lack of friends, brolem re;ationship with his children his work issues, and his alcoholic ways (swore he was on the wagon), only to find out, now that I believe it was all lies.
Met his new “victim” when he went for a massage. Of course she thought he was amazing, (he is not even remotely attractive). His lease is up on his tiny apartment in September. I figured out with no job, he needs a new place to move into. He chooses a drunk, with a 9 yr. old (the mother does not have custody), he is 54. she is 45. She owns her own home – so I see the need for her and why she is such a victim for him. I am sure he will be moving into her home. He told me after two weeks he told her he loved her and she bought it all…when I asked him how he could love someone within two weeks, he told me he really didn’t – just felt sorry for her…
He will emotional destroy her as he has his two wives, countless girlfriends and both male and female friend over the past years.
So glad i could tell some of my story and read all of yours.
You have given me so much support without even knowing it…
BTW…my monicker is his nickname for me that he tattoeed on his arm in 4 inch letters…unbelievable…
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simplystupid says:
Thank you i felt so alone, even people close to me say he is just such a nice guy he seems to attract everyone sexually as he is very attractive he is more of a people person and he finds it easy to make friends. I dont know how I will find someone else but feel positive am starting to arm myself.
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simplystupid says:
I still love the guy but feel some hurt
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simplystupid says:
ktten did you have a relationship with this guy do you think he is a sociopath
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kitten,
Welcome to Lovefraud sweetie, and stay the heck away from this guy, he sounds like a full fledged dyed in the wool PSYCHPATHIC USER for sure! UGH! Glad you are here, worki on learning more about these creatures (I’m not sure they really are human, just look that way) and h ow to spot and avoid them. Again, welcome to LF and God bless.
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erin1972 says:
I was a victim of the smear campaign with mine as well. He got me removed from a job and unwelcome to come back at that one and another one. My current one houses all of his buddies and I have to wonder all the time if they all know the whole sordid story as well-because I haven’t been treated very nicely there since I started 6 months ago.
I can admit my part in the whole thing. I made the biggest mistake of my life by throwing away my upbringing to be with a married man. I was horribly naive and lonely with low self esteem and I fell hook, line, and sinker for each for each and every lie that he told to get me there. I can admit that and I take responsibility and mostly I am over it but I still have my days.
I don’t know what it is about doctors that make everyone believe every single thing that they say. He smeared my name by telling all sorts of lies to all friends and coworkers to make them think that the whole thing was all my fault and that I had seduced him and taken advantage of HIM. If I tried to tell the truth about what happened, he was ready to try and sue me in court for damaging HIS reputation. What about my reputation? I get so angry some times at how he turned my whole life upside down and I lost my dream career and he left his life completely untouched and intact. I have had to put off my dream career and he gets all of his.
I had a meltdown today-crying my eyes out driving home from work. I really need my 6 days off that are coming up. This job has me jumping out of my skin stressed to the point that I can’t sleep at all. I have gained 40lbs in this last year since he left, in addition to the 60 overweight that I was from prior spath relationships. I am now 100lbs overweight and it is keeping me from the career that I need. This job has all kinds of MANDATORY overtime that I can’t get out of. The increased money isn’t even a draw anymore-when I can’t have a life. I had plans to meet my workout buddy for some hot sweaty outdoor exercise after work. Since they kept me late after saying they wouldn’t, she couldn’t wait for me and I planned to go alone. As soon as I hit the car-severe thunderstorms-so then I can go to the crowded gym with all the skinny people who make me feel me like a complete failure.
I am so tired of not having a life and not being able to make plans. I can’t even get a personal trainer because I can’t show up where I plan to. I am really discouraged right now because I am tired of people telling me to be thankful for my “noble” profession-even though it’s gonna put me in an early grave. My extra 100 lbs is keeping me from joining the army-which will help me get my career back. I am just so frustrated right now and I have no one to talk to because no one understands. I am 37 years old and I am tired of being that fat girl that no one wants-even though I have “such a beautiful face”.
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simplystupid says:
My sociopath would always try to ply alcohol and fatty foods on me. I kept telling him no but eventually i ended up putting on weight. I noticed with his previous partners they all gained lots of weight when with him. He said it was because they were happy. I think this is another way to lure and control if the person is overweight then they are less likely to find someone else.
Keep positive now you are rid of this beast things will only get better I am still working on getting rid of my beast. I have lost a lot of self esteem but granny steps will get me there
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erin1972 says:
Simplystupid-my self esteem is much lower than it was before him. He made me feel like the most beautiful sexiest person on the planet until he came home one day and said-”I don’t love you anymore, I used you for sex, and I never want to see you again. That was after talking to me the night before about planning our future together since he was getting divorced. It took him all of a hour to move out of my house. This was the man who said that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life-can you say psychotic break? In my year of trying to deal and being without a job for awhile, I was really depressed and ate my pain and didn’t exercise.
He encouraged me to go after my dream career and I was there in it but had to quit when he left cuz it was a huge paycut that I couldn’t afford. Now I am further away from my goal!
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simplystupid says:
ERIN
you cant do anything he dosnt care about you darlin
he would have already moved on and be having fun
I was in tears over a break up and heard my partner laughing and having fun he dosnt feel the same pain you do.
Yes I feel ugly after being told i was wanderful beautiful and lovely then being told i was useless in bed and kept getting bigger and bigger.
he complained about me being fat but then kept giving me more and more fatty food. Yes i did say no but it was always plied on me.
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simplystupid says:
Erin he is a lizard
with no guilt or remorse
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erin1972 says:
It’s true and I sure as hell don’t want him back but I’m just mad as hell cuz of the the havoc he caused in my life. He got the wife to rescind the divorce papers and take him back with all the begging and pleading and crying and buying her gifts. Her self esteem is actually worse than mine cuz I found out that I was the fourth documented person that he cheated on her with. There HAS to be more than that. He wanted her for status and that is the most important thing to him-they had a sexless marriage-she admitted it to me. She is one hell of a sick pathetic woman with no self esteem and I’m glad I’m not that bad off. My self esteem is low, but not that low. If he came to me tomorrow and asked for me back, my response would be-are you SERIOUS? You must I’m as crazy as you are-never in a million freakin years.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Erin1972,,
OKAY! You’ve had your pity party girl friend! You know I love you but you gotta get off that BUS before it runs you over! It sounds like you had a miserable fracking day, and we’ve all had them! So, you got 6 days off in a row! Great! NOW we start from NOW and we get a good night’s sleep, drink a LOT OF WATER , take a nice hot shower, and when you get up in the morning you go and do a sensible work out!
Rome wasn’t built in a day and you’re not likely to get the pounds off your fat arse any quicker than you put them on (not in a healthy way!) So the CHANT for the next weeks work outs is like SIMPLY said “HE IS A LIZARD”
I know it is easy to get discouraged, and easy to think he is still between you and what you want, but HE IS ONLY IN CONTROL IF YOU ALLOW IT!!!! So you “quit beastin’ yer sef up, rat now!” (((((((Hugs))))))))
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erin1972 says:
Thanks Oxy but I have two more days at the heinous job before the six days off. I had a meltdown today. The job is killing me. You have to be narcissisitic, psycho, bitchy, immature and unprofessional to work there and I fit ZERO of those characteristics. The mandatory OT is making my workout time really stressful cuz I don’t hardly have time. I just want to be in the army so bad right now because it’s the way to get my police job back. My fat ass is keeping me from it. I have to make it through the next two days. I know he is the lizard and I don’t want the lizard. I think he’s more akin to Satan’s evil twin! I don’t want you to get your skillet out though! ((hugs))!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Erin1972,
Ah, darling I remember those 12 hour days at the hospital. Fortunately I was only working weekend option at the last job, but just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other, you’re getting closer to the 6 days.
I’lll give you a pass from the skillet this time, but keep the goal in front of your eyes! “I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DAY” just take it ONE day at a time, when we get so down if we look at the long haul, or at the 100 pounds we need to lose we get discouraged, so LOOK AT ONE DAY, anyone can get through ONE day. And you can lose ONE POUND this week. That’s all you have to do, so that’s not so big a job is it?
YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can! And set yourself some LITTLE CELEBRATIONS on some mile stones! I can have a big fat ice cream cone (or whatever rings your chimes) when I lose 15 pounds! This ain’t slavery girl friend, you can ENJOY some things along the way—”ACCENT-U-8 THE POSI-TIV-E, EEEE-LIM-I-NATE THE NEG-A-TIV, AND DON’T MESS WITH MR. IN B-TWEEN!”"” (((Biig Hugs))) and hey, you din’t even know I could SING did you!!!! LOL
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Kitten says:
Hi Everyone! Thanks for the support. Yes I would say I was in love with him to a degree. He wanted to be in my life and be “my man”. I had stipulations for that. No drinking, debt free, divorce his wife after 7 yrs of separation, and move to PA in his own apartment, not my home. He told me he had cleaned up his debt, he is a union electrician, so work in Detroit is sparse, filed for divorce, told me his wife was served her papers the last Thursday in May. he had found apartments on CraigsList in my area and was beginning his move here. The day before he ended it he professed his love to me so deeply – I must say i was a bit overwhelmed. That night he was suppose to text me and never did. I assume it was because he was sleeping with the new girl…When I called him the next morning, he said he was through with me, couldn’t do this – too much had to be fixed to get where he wanted to be with me. When I asked how you go from 100″s of texts a day to a person – constantly calling, professing your love over 4 yrs. to “I never want to speak to you again”, he said he didn’t know, all he knew was he wanted me out of his life. Now. Of course I was devastated – from the lack of any reason or explanation. Other very strange things about him. Always had to tell me when he woke up that he was naked, that he was always shirtless, and I would always ask – why are you telling me this? I don’t care. We never had a “real sexual relationship”. When the opportunity arose for that, I resisted and there was no arousal on his part in any way. Last I knew he was at the doctor for Cialis. Is this the case with sociopaths – sexual dysfunction at it’s best?
Just curious…I always suspected something not right and his sexual promiscuity may be really skewed…but now the overwhelming information of a sociopath opens and rings
so many bells and truths, in what I never realized was a red flag. Again, my biggest concern now, is he will at some point try to come back into contact in my life. I will stay true to the N/C rule….god this is all so very scary….
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one_step_at_a_time says:
kitten – sex is a tool that spaths use to control and manipulate people; has little to do with how non disordered folks view sex or what they are motivated by. Your story is familiar to most of us here. Some spaths are impotent, others not, but all are using sex to hook and manipulate their dupes.
Cialis is the lube to get the tool working.
If he needed oil for a getaway car, cause he was robbing a bank it would be the same thing.
One thing that you will need to get clear on is: do not ascribe the possible motivations of non disordered to the disordered. there is no, ‘well, he’s all these bad things, and then he has this amount of good in him and i know he cared for me…’ I am not saying you are thinking this way, but it rises up for most of us at many points in the acceptance process. we have an impression of a person, and then there are the facts. the facts completely invalidate the impression. this is a hard reality to ‘get’, and it is very necessary to get it.
block his phone numbers; block his email. Change whatever contact info he has for you if necessary – phone, email, cell. Remove yourself from fb or other social networks. They tend to cycle back around, so you are right to be concerned about him trying to contact you at some point.
hang out here and read – lots of good information to help keep you safe.
best,
one step
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Kitten says:
one_step_at_a_time
Thanks for your response….:0) Makes me feel so much better. I believe there is no good in a man who could carry on a charade for 4 yrs of his life. I realize I am just a small blip on his radar screen of hurt and pain inflicted on so many victims….I am in the process of changing my email address and will be getting off Facebook. His ruse was a good one – I’ll hand that to him – but I somehow knew all along something wasn’t right. I heard the term sociopath the day after our last conversation – I Googled it and was overwhelmed by all the stories. I am now listening to the SocioPath Next Door on audiotape on my ride into work. Between you and all the other vitim’s stories – I have found a comfort zone to know I am heard.
My only concern is the poor 9yr old boy who may be affected by him….I know it is out of my hands but he and his mother will never even know what hit them. Thank god I have the strength to move forward. My anxiety is at it’s worse at night and first thing in the a.m. working through it all. I’ll get there….and I now also know the depth of the lies and deceit…I meant nothing to him. Hard pill to swallow, but I have swallowed it…and have accepted it.
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silvermoon says:
Hard pill to swallow, but it doesn’t take long to digest.
Now, its about the next step and the next day.
Letting go is a process and there is a fairly lot of pole to get wrapped around and then unwrapped but it can be done.
Kitten, you are heading in good direction.
We’ll be right here.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kitten, the healing starts out as we learn about them, and then it becomes about us, it sounds to me though like you are a very stong woman and set some good boundaries with him. “If you want to be in my life you must do X, y and Z.” Psychopaths don’t like boundaries because it means that they are NOT in control of you.
So, since he couldn’t control you, he DUMPED you!!!!! TOWANDA!!!! The BEST thing that could have happened to you!
Again, welcome to LF!!!
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Kitten says:
OxDrover:
I have read so many of your postings here and on other blogs on love fraud and I consider your strong woman comment a compliment!!! You are the strong woman and someone who I can say I am honored to have in my corner after everything you and your family have been through….:0) I hope I can be as good of an advocate as you and all the other wonderful and kind people on this website. I plan on staying with you all for a long time.
Thank you for your strength, wisdom and kindness….I put those boundaries in place for 4 yrs. with him…guess he just didn’t want to play anymore…His ruse was soooo convincing, I truly believed he had and was making great strides in changing his life…i guess the hard part is when you live so far away from someone, you will never know what happens to them as the years pass. I say this out of natural human curiosity to know what has happenend to people who were such an integral part of your life, not for falure on his part – just the need to know, I guess.
I can say I don’t miss him as much as I am concerned he will try to return. I realize I was that little stone on the bottom of his shoe for 4 yrs and he finally got tired of hearing it tick when he walked and he removed it. You want to be remembered in a person’s life – whether or not you remain in it, it is so hard to understand that I am forgotten already…I thought when it first hapenned “good for you tattooing my name on your arm, you won’t forget”. But I am sure the story about the tattoo will change with each victim he meets.
I consider myself a vibrant, well-educated woman, but the education he gave to me will last a lifetime and was hard earned. I wake up everyday and think of him and go to sleep every night and think of him….not missing him, not angry, just filled with sadness and anxiety, again on whenor if he will try to return andwhat damage he is now causing. I am working through the not looking over my shoulder, in the rear view mirror, etc. I say this because he has come to PA on every occasion with no thought or notice behind it, would call me from the road saying I need to come see you…
BTW – I now know what TOWANDA means also!!! What a great word!
Thanks for listening everyone and being here for me…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Kitten – Plan some things to do first thing in the morning and at night, that give your comfort, joy and focus. Practice them and see if that lowers your anxiety at those times. When i can walk right before sleep it helps me a lot.
He may try to return. But you can plan for that too. Plan how to ignore him and block any contact. NC is the best thing you can do to ensure his absence.
best,
one step
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kitten,
Thank you for those kind words. Many times I have felt so helpless, but that’s just it, I FELT that way, but I WAS NOT HELPLESS, so we must reinforce ourselves and each other.
Did anyone see or hear the story about the guy the other day who got his hand caught in a furnace, and stayed there for three days trying to get loose, but realized his arm was starting to rot and if he didn’t do something he would DIE right there, trapped like a coyote in a trap. He cut his own arm off, fortunately help arrived just as he was about done and he lived, but WE ARE THAT STRONG IF WE NEED TO BE!!!!
I wasn’t feeling so great yesterday so was watching some TV which I don’t usually do much of, especially in the day time, and I heard people on the news discussing this young man’s courage to do what had to be done, and one newscaster said she couldn’t cut her own toe nails much less her arm.
She’s right and she’s wrong. As long as she FEELS she couldn’t then she couldn’t but if she THOUGHT SHE COULD, then she really COULD.
We need to muster as much courage as a coyote in a trap and if the only way to get away from the psychopaths is to chew our leg or arm off, then DO IT!!!! BREAK FREE!
It’s sort of like child birth and labor, you have to push through the pain. I never felt such pain in my life as labor and child birth, and I was scared cause I didn’t know much about what was happening to my body (no prenatal classes were available for me then) but you have to push through the pain, have to keep on going through it until you accomplish what you have to do. No one else can do it for you!
When I feel the weakest, the peeps here at LF are here to cheer me on or kick my butt, whatever I need, and I try to do the same for them. WE ARE NOT ALONE in this, and that DOES make us feel stronger.
Don’t let that arsehole back in your life, you keep on FEELING strong and you WILL BE STRONG. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is the BEST thing we can do and as One_step said, NC is the best thing you can do!
Ps. Glad you like the Towanda, it has been around for a while and can’t for the life of me remember who started it, but glad they did.
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alicia says:
I didn’t know what the smear campain was until I found out here. He was doing it while we were together, especially every time I left or rejected him, and he is still lying about me and slandering me and we haven’t been together in 1 yr/4 mos. For those who know me; I, unfortunately, still live 7 apts away from him, which is “killing” me. I’ve had some contact with him over the past two months, not only with him, but with his new victim, the scumbag that she is; she lies just like him and she has a disgusting, filthy mouth. It is more than swearing, it is disgusting! The latest was a few weeks ago when she yelled at me, “don’t call me by my name, b_____, you look better with a d____ in your mouth, you f______ him, what now you want to f____ me?” I was shocked and appalled. First of all, I do not want to have sex with this female sp. I’m sure the ex-sp or one of his crazy friends or family members told her that (they are all crazy too) I am serious. I proceeded to ask her if she knew the name of the woman who assaulted me the week before when I was outside on her way to the sp’s place, and that is what she said to me, rather, yelled at me. She did this right in front of the x and his brother (the pimp/drug addict/woman beater, etc.) who she used to go out with years ago and was one of his “girls.” She never spoke to me like that before. I mean, we have had a few arguments, but usually it was about him lying to her and me at the same time, he was with me and cheating on me with her for six months? who knows? He told her that he never did; that I was the psychotic nutcase crazy b______ who has stalked him since I moved there and I am obsessed with him and want him so badly and that everytime I know he has someone new in his life I get jealous and obsessive to the point of craziness, etc., everything he did to me, he told her it was me. We were together for 6 years on and off, most of that time it was a nightmare, and he tells her he never knew me or went out with me. He was still with me and then one day he brought her out of the closet and then dumped me, kicked me to the curb, discarded me without a word, no closure, no break up, nothing. What hurt the most was that I kept breaking up with him, begging him to leave me alone, go away, telling him I didn’t love him, calling the police on him, BIG WASTE OF TIME AND STILL IS and he would not leave me alone and would not accept the fact that I did not want him. He was “killing” me, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc… I couldn’t take it anymore, but he would not leave me alone and then all of a sudden, as I said, one day he told a neighbor that this witch was his girl and he had been seeing her for two months, but it was a lot longer than that, and all that time he would not let me go. He had to hook her first and once he knew he had her hooked, he dropped me. So lately, we have gotten into it a few times because he still keeps pushing my buttons. Almost the whole month of April, he stalked me, followed me, came by my apartment in the middle of the night, early in the morning, tried to make contact with me, offered to carry my groceries home, etc…once again, the police did nothing. I guess they broke up during that month. Then he must have gone back to her because the smear campaign started all over again and the lies, but he stopped coming by, stalking and following me. Then he gave out my address and telephone number to his elder of his religion (yes, he dresses up in a suit and goes to the hall, as he calls it, three times a week) well, he gave the elder my full name, telephone numaber and address. The elder wrote me a letter because the sp told him that I needed God and I needed help, ok. I confronted him because I was very angry and told him that I didn’t appreciate what he did, and he laughed at me. All of a sudden out of nowhere, this angry woman, I don’t even want to call her that, came up to me, put her whole arm up against my neck, hurt me where my Adam’s apple is, pushed me a few times almost to the ground, cursed at me like crazy, etc…some friend or family member, I don’t know, he was having a picnic. I called the police. Again, I was treated like the criminal, again, they dismissed me and ignored the marks on me and they wouldn’t arrest her because the only witness that I knew about was him laughing while she did that to me. He had one police car and one or two police officers go there. THREE police cars and THREE police officers came to me and they pulled in and parked their cars as they do on TV. I couldn’t believe it!!! I have never in my life been in trouble with the law or arrested until I was involved with him and I was 50 years old; I will be 55 next week. They would not arrest her. They are so inconsistent because some officers have asked me if I wanted him arrested without there being a witness. They all tell me how much they hate him, he is an a_______, crazy, nuts, psycho, etc., they all hate him every one of them, at least that is what they tell me, but in 6 years, I have had two female officers come to my apt., and they helped me, one of them came twice. There are a couple of males, but I can count on one hand, the police officers who believed me and were decent to me, and I am NOT lying. One of the officers told me to stop acting like the victim and another one said something to the effect that I am just like him and you could be lying too and how do we know you weren’t the one who attacked her. I am NOT a violent person!!! I read the police report and 31 others today (I ordered copies of the last two years) Of course, both the sp and this crazy woman said that I went over there yelling and cursing at them and that I pushed both of them and threatened to kill him. NEVER DID I SAY ANY OF THAT OR DO ANY OF THAT NEVER!!! All the police reports except for three have lies on them, lies that the police officers wrote, complaints and the reasons for my calls that they left out. I don’t understand this. I never will and neither will my family members, friends, neighbors, nobody. If they all lhate him so much and have been dealing with him for 20+ years and they know he is crazy and tell me that all the time, why, why, why are they treating me like the criminal and lyying about me too and making me look like the crazy a______/??? I am trying to find a lawyer who will help me at either a low cost or pro bono, if one exists, because I am so sick about this. I even wrote to my congresswoman and she sent a letter to the police chief, and they are still treating me allmost as badly as he does. She sent another letter to the police chief. I have to get a lawyer because it is me against them. I want the truth written on those reports and I want them to stop harassing me and teating me like a criminal because I am not the criminal and I am the victim and have been for years. They have failed me time and time again, not showed up when I called, did not come to talk to me, handcuffed me to a table and arrested me the same night when I had him arrested and I didn’t do anything but yell at the sp because he was lying about me again. they didn’t handcuff him, but they handcuffed me. Most people probably don’t even believe me and think I am the sp because my experiences with him and the police sound so far-fetched, but they are all true and I just can’t understand it, nobody can. so he lied again and told me recently that “I didn’t hear (his girlfriend) say that to you” – he was right there smiling while she was saying all those disgusting things and giving me this look as if to say, “you’re a fool, you can’t win, be afraid,” I don’t know. He was there and so was his pimp brother who put his fist up to me and proceeded to punch me (not the first time he tried to hit me or threaten me). I told him to go ahead and punch me so this time I could get him arrested, he pulled out a wad of money from his pocket and told me he didn’t care because he had the money for bond. These people are all CRAZY. I must have been NUTS too because these are not the type of people that I am acquainted with. Then the sp told me that I lied to the cops because nobody put their arm up to my neck and tried to hurt me, push me, etc…I finally had it with that and I said to him, “stop gaslighting me.” He looked at me strangely and asked me what gaslighting was and I told him just what it meant and how he had been doing it to me for years. he said a couple of other things that night too to try and make me think that I was losing my mind. Then he had the nerve to ask me to go out for a drink with him, which I didn’t, and then he told me as I walked away, “go ahead, run away like you always do, run away from reality.” I turned and asked him what in the world was he talking about, running away from reality, and get this, “the reality that you are still in love with me.” So I decided to do a little gaslighting of my own. I said to him, “I don’t love you and I never loved you.” He said, “you told me you loved me.” and I said, “No, i didn’t.” and kept walking. He told me that I can’t handle the truth, the truth that he misses me “extrodinare,” but if we were to get back together, it would be tragic. Oh, that I know, tragic for me. I know I shouldn’t make contact with him, but sometimes he pushes my buttons too long and then I can’t take it anymore because I want him to know he can’t keep doing this to me. But, the last two times, I was assaulted, accused of wanting to have sex with his girlfriend, lied about, slandered, laughed at, treated like dirt by the police, and it gets worse. I’m sorry this is so long, but I haven’t written in a while and so much has happened. Now I have my own pc and I have wanted to talk to someone for weeks because I’ve been going through too much and it has really made me physically and emotionally sick and drained and very, very frustrated because he gets away with it again, they all got away with what they did to me. The night of Memorial Day, I was awakend in the middle of the night. I am a light sleeper, I’ve been this way since living here and listening to him in the middle of the night coming by, whistling, calling out my name, pounding on my door, etc. when I didn’t want to be bothered with him. He continued to do this while he was/is with her. I heard someone crying out “help” about three times. I called 911 and told them, and this is what the dispatcher said to me, “I hear it too.” The police are so STUPID!!! They are right across the street from us. If he was hearing someone crying out for help, why didn’t he send someone here? Then he asked me if I knew who it was, could I see out my window, etc…while the person kept yelling out for help. I realized that it was the sp crying out for help. I probably woke up during that time because he usually makes his rounds between 3-5 a.m. for years, he has been doing this and I always wake up, I don’t really sleep. So I told the dispatcher who it was and he wanted me to go out there in the middle of the night to see if it was him and what happened – he wanted me to do his job! I was not going out there. Eventually two police officers showed up and they were as sweet as pie to him – he had fallen and needed help. Out of 40 or so people who live here in this complex, I was the only one who heard him and called 911. Why? I’m sure there were others, but because they hate him so much, they probably just ignored him; I don’t know, but why did it have to be me? When he found out it was me who called 911, he said “thank you; I appreciate it” without any sincere signs of true gratitude and then asked me if I would make him a cup of coffee and come over to bring it to him because I make good coffee and he misses it. I didn’t go. He is absolutely crazy. I helped him that night because I have a conscience (sp?). Once I realized it was him, I wanted to hang up the phone and go back to bed, but I am not that type of person, one of the neighbors told me she heard him and that I should have let him stay out there all night after all he did to me. TWO days later, he came by my window and yelled inside at me the word WHORE. OK, that is what I get for helping him, that SOB. Of course, I was hurt and angry and then I got depressed. This guy still has power over me. And because we have had too much contact lately and he touched my hand and started to remenise (sp?) it started the love/hate feelings inside of me again. When I saw her car back there again and found out they went back, I became angry and jealous. I have to confess that I am jealous and I probably have been jealous from the start. I realized something else sick about me. Even though I wanted him gone because he was torturing me and I despised him and didn’t want to be near him anymore, when he dumped me, it hurt me so badly, not because I loved him, but because of the way he dumped me, but also (and I just realized this too) but because I was so codependent on him and every time I would get lonely I would go back even if it was weeks or months no matter what he did I went back and that was sick. Now, I feel sick to my stomach that I still feel that way and miss him and I get angry and jealous and hate her too because she took my crutch? away for lack of a better word. We were both like that. This time it is different because even though they fight and break up and go back like we did, they quickly get back together and he is still with her and it has been such a long time. This hurts me a lot because I believe maybe he is capable of love and he does love her and he never loved me. I was so nice to him, so kind, so good, etc. I am not bragging or asking for sympathy. People have told me that a lot even his friends and one of his sane family members and he treated me the worst. He spends so much money on her, takes her away, gives her hundreds of dollars, no kidding, but he never did that to me. He gavve me gifts, but he also told me he bought me a computer, came here and measured the space and told me where we were going to set it up, but I never saw that computer for that Christmas because he never bought it; he was with her and he gave me nothing, but had the nerve to ask me to buy him silk pajamas, which I didn’t. I did not get one gift from him and I did not give him anything. I knew he was cheating and I knew that was why he wanted those pajamas. But, he kept denying it and he was lying. To end this, I’m sure whoever is reading this is glad (sorry) last Saturday night, I got hooked up to the internet and so I was searching and having some fun like a child with a new toy, and I came across these news article that said: “Well known _______ man in critical condition after being hit by a car…” Guess who the well known man is? The SP. I read the comments underneath the article and every single one of them, and there were plenty, except for one or two, a family member and a woman who was appalled, all were very negative, hateful, described him to a T, con man, accident waiting to happen, ambulance chaser, fraud, waste of space, con artist, demands to be called doctor (never went to medical school, never made it that far so he is not a doctor), but every single word that these people were commenting about was true. I didn’t know how to feel. I just sat there for such a long time in some kind of a daze wondering why I felt nothing, no empathy, no pity, nothing, and then I beat myself up all night and the next day and the next night because I felt nothing – and that is not who I am, that is not me. I do feel empty, yes, and I have been for a long time because of that nightmare relationship and all he did to me and still does, and sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore, and I’m depressed a lot, and I lost a lot of my desires for things I used to enjoy, I do feel numb and it is like he stole my soul and sometimes my mind, especially lately because all I’ve been doing is thinking about him 24/7. I am not laughing because he was hit by a car and seriously hurt. I’m not rejoicing over it, but I don’t feel sorry for him and I feel like a totally awful hateful person for that. All I keep doing is think about it and how he has sued so many people and got into so many “accidents” and this time, it was a real one and he almost died. He is like the boy who cried wolf. I think about the good memories and long for them, especially five years ago when he was wonderful to me and treated me so special for my birthday. That lasted a week, but there were more good times than bad that year. I don’t know how to feel. I have to confess that when someone told me that she was at the hospital with him Friday night (and for someone who was critical on Tuesday, he sounded fine and dandy, even though he almost died) I became so jealous and angry again that I posted a couple of comments, and they weren’t very nice either. I didn’t say that I wish he died but I did tell the truth of all that I know about his con games and a few other things, I did not use my name, but I think if he reads it or anyone who knows us, they will be able to tell it is me because I sounded like a bitter ex and I outed him on a lot of cruel, disgusting, hideous, illegal things that I know about, and I didn’t care. Then the next day and for two days, I had serious panic attacks and I was so fearful and stomach sick and shaking so much because this is what guilt does to me. I felt terrible that I posted and that I said all what I said, not because he was in an accident, and every thing I said was true, but I did it out of spite, anger, and – jealousy. That is when I realized that I was so angry and jealous at/of her because she him away from me ever since when I get so lonely, which is most of the time, and I see them together and I’m always alone, and I want him to be here with me when I go to sleep at night. I don’t want sex. I don’t want to go out with him. I miss having companionsip and someone in my life; I could care less about a sexual relationship. What I miss the most is before we went to sleep at night, he would always tell me to find my spot and go to sleep, and my spot was laying my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, his big strong arm around me holding me, and that is the only time I slept through the nights when I was with him and the days were not full of abuse. That is all I miss about him. I read somewhere in a book about codependency that one person said, “I probably would be happy if I had a dead body lying next to me.” I know that sounds gross and terrible, but I understand what she meant because that is how I feel about him and that is what I miss the most, not the real him, but the person I fell in love with who doesn’t exist anymore. But still I wonder, does he exist for him? Why does he treat her better? She is a scumbag. Actually, they have a lot in common. She too is a chronic liar and likes to be taken care of by his money. She drives a Lexus and I’m sure that is one of the reasons why he chose her in addition to her big a___ and big ____ lips. Now, I’m getting disgusting. I noticed that every time he and I were not together and he quickly had someone else, they all looked the same as she does, there is nothing pretty about her and there was nothing pretty about those other girls. I’m not beautiful or pretty, I’m plain, but if you put me in a line with all of those girls, I would be the only one who looks different. They are either addicts or were addicts and ex prostitutes and ex addicts and they alll look like they have been down the road and a lot older than they are. I am not judging because I feel sorry for them and but for the grace of God, there go I. I am no angel and I have a past too. God loves them just as much as He loves me. I do feel sorry for some of them because they were promised help and whatever else by him and his scumbag brother, like they cared about them, NOT, Please don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I am not judging them. I don’t like his girlfriend at all because she is a nasty B scumbag. I felt sorry for her in the beginning and tried to warn her, as did others, but not anymore. I got to know her and saw that she is a lot like him. So now he is back home from the hospital and I still don’t feel anything about that at all/ good or bad. After all that, I need to know: am I really a bad person, am I a sp too, and why does he love her and is attracted to all who look like her and act like her, and why did he want me, what did he see in me, and is it possible that he does have feelings and really loves her. I know him and how he cheats. He caame around here plenty of times trying to get me to let him in when they broke up, but I didnt. But, I think things have changed and I really believe he wouldn’t cheat on her and I know that he doesn’t care about me at all or even think about me at all. It hurt me to find that truth out when I first did, but why now, after all this time, is it bothering me more? Living here doesn’t help. I think I am sick too because why would I want or miss a monster who calls me a whore, and I’m not , his girlfriend was one, but I’m not and I’m not any of the things he calls me. Do you think he is so mean to me becaue I found out so much about him and fought him and left himm so many times and called the police, that I unmasked him. I don’t know, I have to end this now because it is too much to read. I really think I want someone to tell me that he doesn’t love her even though it seems like he does, and that will make me feel better, because I feel so worthless and so ugly and so unloved and how could he not love me, I was so kind and nice to him. I’m sick. I feel so ugly inside because I am realizing the bad in me, and I don’t know what to do with these feelings because they make me feel worse about myself, and I already feel so badly, how much worse can I feel about myself and hate myself for discovering that I am jealous and I am codependent and I guess I used him like he used me for comfort and because I was so lonely. Sorry. the end finally.
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freemama says:
Hugs, Alicia. IMHO, you need to get as far away from that drama as you can, girl! It is clearly consuming you, and he is soooooo not worth it. If you were sick and someone told you to just stop drinking the poison every day, wouldn’t you do it??
Sorry if I sound harsh. I made all kinds of excuses myself when my ex left the home we bought to shack up with a couple of women a block away! If I could walk away from the house I worked so hard to build, you can move to a different part of town. You can do it! I can’t say I’ve remotely “recovered” from what my sp did to me, but I don’t have to walk around terrified anymore. Just being in the same neighborhood with him was literally killing me. I’m so glad I got away.
(((Alicia))))
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Donna – is this MSN forum still in existence?. I just signed up and couldn’t find it, but I am not familiar with MSN.
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OxDrover says:
Freemama,
GOOD ADVICE to alicia, I like the “stop drinking the poison” and yes, that is it! Being around them is like drinking poison!
Interacting with them is like stabbing yourself!
I know it is difficult to move away from them/him, but having shouting matches with him/them isn’t doing you any good and it isn’t going to change them one bit! (((hugs)))))
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shabbychic says:
alicia, I agree with the others, you have to get away from there, you are addicted to the drama, in order to heal yourself you have to move. I also feel the same way you do about missing the person I thought I was in love with, I think about him all the time, but it is starting to fade away. Please please do this for yourself, you will feel so much better, I am worried for your safety also.
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shabbychic says:
alicia, no, I don’t think he loves anyone, accept that he is a spath. Living there is making you feel worse about yourself! This should not be happening!!! I am suffering from loneliness right now, but there is no way I would go back. I don’t care what he does, he is a disgusting pig.
I don’t know if you will ever have the answers to your questions. I did not get answers to mine. I have read here and learned more about myself than THEM. Stay with us! You have got to start to love yourself. You are going to be ok, you are a fabulous strong woman. Move! Do this for you!!!! You are too involved in his life.
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Wini says:
Alicia, how he treats you is how he will treat EVERYONE. The only reason it seems like he treats her better than you is that he needs a place to live. Period.
As everyone else is telling you … you need to move. The sooner you move away from him, the sooner you will heal from this heel.
In the mean time, keep yourself busy by pampering yourself. A nice long bubble bath did wonders for me. I would take a bubble bath 2 or 3 times a day. Who cares how many times, as long as you do it for yourself. It’s part of healing your wounds. And wounds are what they are all about. A loving person would never think about, never mind doing what he did to you or anyone. Love does not hurt. Hate hurts.
Put your favorite music on that you like to listen to and sit back and relax while planning your move out of the area. Please, never let him or her or anyone connected with them know where you are moving. If you can stay with family or friends for now, do so. The sooner you get out of that area, the better off you will be. Out of sight, out of mind.
As far as loving. You loved, he can not. It’s not yours or any of our problems that another can’t love. Period.
God bless your heart and soul as you heal.
Hang in with us. We’ve all been where you are right now and there is light at the end of the tunnel and the light is so warm and soothing.
Peace.
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blueskies says:
Alicia – No I dont think he loves her even though it seems like he does, he didnt love you. he didnt love the ones that came before.
You say I’ hate to discover that I am jealous, co-dependant’ … I think sometimes people behave like this when in a toxic ‘dynamic’… you are in a toxic dynamic…
Part of the horror of the fall out is the long hard look at ourselves, what WE did, how WE reacted to the TOXIC dynamic… hard as hell. But so important to face…and start to change…that is where YOU are NOT the ugly one, YOU are not the spath… you can get out of this eventually.
You say that you feel like you used him, well if that’s how you feel then think about why you would do that, and begin exploring that… but i bet your bottom he did everthing in his power to pretend he was ‘Just the knight in shining armour’ you were looking for (ahem..EXCEPT for actually being anything LIKE that!)…nothing you can do about HIM though….:(
You may have been blindsided, vulnerable (heres a good article http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....h-is-gone/)
BUT!….
“He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….
When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove — I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.”
That’s a quote from Dr. Leedom here http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....-good-bye/
xxxxx
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alicia says:
Thank you everyone who wrote to me. I apologize again for writing such a very long post. You are all right in saying that I have to move out of here. There is nothing I want more and I have been trying for such a long time. Because of the toxic and destructive relationship and all he did to hurt me, I ended up in the hospital Oct, Nov, Dec 2007 and Jan, Feb, and part of March 2008. Everyone who took care of me: the doctors, nurses, therapists, etc. told me the best thing to do is to move. My own primary doctor told me even before that to move when he saw the bruises on me and then when he bit one of my fingers down to the bone and i ended up with a bad infection that almost went through my whole bloodstream (the latter because I wouldn’t spend the night because he was in a drunken rage and I didn’t want to get hit again) so he backed me a corner, restrained my wrists (as he loved to do) and as I was screaming at him to let me go (I hated when he backed me into a corner because I was so afraid of his huge fists),while my hand was extended, he bit down on my left index finger and drew blood. There was so much blood and I was in excruiating pain. He took off and I ran home, and a neighbor who always wanted to kill him with two fingers and always watched out for me and couldn’t figure out why I was with him (neither could I) he helped me while I screamed in pain. The next morning I went to the clinic right around the corner and the doctor told me that I should have gone to the ER the night before because of the infection. He told me a human bite is worse than an animal bite. He got away with that one too, as he gets away with everything. I have looked and looked and looked for a place since sometime in 2006, but I cannot afford the rents. I am on disability because I have lupus and MS, and I struggle with severe depression plus my immune system is very compromised so I am sick a lot and extremely fatigued. I had to go on disability because I couldn’t work with the small children at Head Start anymore or the job before that as a pediatric nurse’s aide in the hospital. I love children so much and I loved teaching and taking care of them so when I had to stop working those jobs that I loved, and at the same time, my car died, my landlord put the house up for sale, his wife lost her job, etc., I ended up here, but I don’t belong here. Although I still struggle with illnesses, I don’t have to live here. I came here with a few things wrong with me. Now I have a lot more chronic and annoying illnesses because of all the stress overload with him. He knew that I had lupus and that I could die if it went to one of my organs, but he didn’t care. Sometimes he would rub my legs and place the pain medicine patches on them, make me tea, and stay with me and he was so nice and loving and caring. That didn’t last because 3 days later, he was a monster (Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde). My neighbor used to tell him that he was going to send me to an early grave and he would say nothing at all or tell my 84-year-old neighbor to mind his own business, and he even threatened to kill him one time. My neighbor wanted to kill him. He was in WWII and he told me and him that he could kill him with two fingers. This is how angry he used to get. So I’ve tried to move somewhere else. I was going to move to North Carolina where one of my sisters lives, but because I got so sick and was in and out of the hospital and the bills piled up, etc., I didn’t move there last year or the year before. I look in the paper all the time. I am always asking people to keep their eyes and ears out for me because I am so depressed living here. I understand how you felt freemama, that is disgusting what he did to you and you had to live near him. I hate it so much. I still want to move so far away to another state, but now my sister in NC is working full-time, her children work, and there is nobody to take me looking for a place to live. I wish she would let me stay with her for awhile, but her daughter is going through a difficult time with her abusive husband, and she has stayed at my sister’s and she is my sister’s first priority. I feel badly and disappointed because my sister told me three times on three differnt occasions I could move there, but now all she tells me is that she HAS to work, I HAVE to get better first and my niece tells me that it’s not that we don’t want you to come, but what if you don’t like it here, there will be nowhere for you to go. My sister who I was close to recently moved away to Florida to live close to her son and his wife once she had the baby. It was a good thing for her to move there because she lost her 35-year-old beautiful daughter to cancer 3 yrs ago and my niece wanted her mother to move with her brother. I miss her, but she has had so much sadness in her life; I understand and she deserves to be happy with her only grandchild and be with her son and his wife. She has had experiences with the sp, terrible experiences. He called her and almost everybody else I know and knew and did his smear campaign mixed with lies. I want out of here so badly. I hate going out the door because I don’t want to see him or his scumbag girlfriend and see the apt where he lives where I used to be a lot of the time and all the memories come flooding back, and sometimes he will verbally abuse me as I’m walking bye. Yes, my self esteem and self worth have dropped to the bottom. And, yes, I believed his lies because I didn’t think they were lies in the beginning. You all know how that goes. As you have mentioned, we find out the truth while we are in too deep and addicted and it is so much harder to leave and to stay away and not return. I have no desire to be with him again, but sometimes I miss him because I miss the person I fell in love with, but he isn’t real and that’s what I have to keep telling myself. yes, I am consumed with thoughts of him and her and what he is doing in his life, etc…He was in a bad accident and I feel numb about the whole thing. I am not going to send him a card, a flower or speak to him about it. Each time I went into the hospital was mostly because of him, having a nervous breakdown, severely depressed, exacerbating my illnesses. As soon as I went in, he was nowhere to be found, no card, no flowers, no nothing, imagine that, and I, the fool that I was, took him back eventually, as I did many times after he hurt me so badly and he did all kinds of disgusting things at his apartment with his pimp brother’s girls. I knew all that went on, and I still took him back. I WAS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! I had to be because why in the world would I keep returning to a man who did the things he did, the things I hate. None of it made sense. All I know, is that every time I did go back or take him back, I hated myself the very next day, but it was too late. I know I have to learn to love myself, but I can’t seem to do it or anything else good for myself living here. I isolate because I don’t want to see him. Now that my sister in Florida gave me her old laptop, I probably will go out less. There is nowhre really for me to go except to the store or the library; I don’t have any more friends, thanks to him. A lot of the neighbors hear won’t even speak to me, and I have a very bad reputation now, but I was warned about him. I just didn’t see what they saw. I wish I did. I do not have any other family members here that I can stay with. I wish I did. I wish I had the money because I would get on a train, plane or bus tonight or tomorrow and not return for a long time. Sunday is my birthday, which is depressing me, and I’ll be alone. Now that my sister moved to Florida, I am alone a lot more than I used to. I know I need to stop isolating and meet people and all the other stuff, but it is so difficult to do because it is scary for me. I used to care enough about myself to eat right, exercise, take relaxing baths, made sure I smelled nice and looked nice (all for him). I don’t do any of those things anymore. Every once in awhile, I do, but hardly ever. It is so beautiful out today, but I’ve been in this two room apt all day because I heard the ambulance bring him home last night. I wish he went away for rehab for a long time, unfortunately, he came home. For someone who was in critical condition a little more than a week ago, he is home already. As long as I’ve known him, the man never gets sick, and if he did, he is so resilent he bounces right back. It’s not that I want him to die; I don’t now; I’m not saying I never felt that way; I did when he left me the way he did. But, there is a saying that says, “you can’t kill this man.” He doesn’t get sick and he gets away with everything. No, he made me sick most of the time and most of the time didn’t care. I am always looking for a way out; twice I tried to take the easy way out, but I haven’t done that since 2007 and I don’t plan on doing it anymore no matter how severely depressed I feel. He would love that – more power to him. Now he can more pity from his gf and his family and the very few who do care about the “poor thing.” Thank you again for all your support. I’m so glad I have you all to talk to and listen to, and I know that you all care about each other, and I care too. I just want to be the nice person I used to be with good emotions and a clear brain and dreams, and I want to go back to work part-time and most of all, I want to move, number one priority, and while I am still here, unfortunately, I want him out of my head. It’s worse when I see him. I hate the fact that everytime he sees me, he sees me all alone. I feel so humiliated and I know he is getting a laugh out of it because he told me nobody would want me and that I still love him. He’s a monster. I don’t know what I’m goiing to do about all those lies on the police reports. I want to fight and clear my name just like I always wanted him to get arrested more than I had him arrested because he deserved to be, but I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I just want to get away from here. I truly believe that when I do, I will be able to breathe, sleep, have peace and care about myself more. I won’t have these constant reminders every day and see him to bring me down because I can’t seem to get over it and past all of it because I am still here. I need a miracle! Thanks again. Best to all of you. You are so helpful to me. We all have to support each other as a family. It feels so good to know you are there. God Bless each one of you.
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hens says:
Alicia – Your story and circumstance are heart wrenching. So similar to so many other’s here. You have found the miracle your looking for, yourself. In the beginning of our life lesson it is so much about them. Once we see they are flawed and toxic to our very survival, and we see the only escape is to flee and never look back , we have begun that miracle journey to heal ourselves. There is nobody out there that can wave a magic wand and make all your problems go away. If there was I would find them and send them to you. Find that job, save those penny’s and find a way to freedom. Freedom only comes when we love ourselves first. Study the past and prepare for the future. peace ….
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shabbychic says:
alicia, we’ve all done crazy things, that’s for sure, you’re not alone in that, sweetie!!!
My cousin has MS, and he has contacted the MS Society several times to ask for help, I know once they came over to clean his house and walk his dogs, once they paid for an MRI, so maybe they can help you move? Or maybe they can give you a ride to look at another apartment. I don’t know, I’m just trying to come up with some ideas to help you. Also, maybe there is some help out there for people who have Lupus. Perhaps you could do a search on the internet.
I’m glad you know in your heart that you don’t want him back, that’s a big step, a tough one to take, but we’ll be here with you, we all try to help each other. God bless YOU!!!
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Cat says:
Alicia,
Your story is all too familiar and very sad to hear. You need to get out of there NOW, but you already know that. I have been through much of what you’ve been through and I understand the conflicting feelings. You KNOW in your heart that he isn’t the real thing, and that’s a harsh reality that I had to look at as well.
NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. I can’t tell you how important this is for healing. I’m glad you know he isn’t for you and that you have to get away. I’ve been in those circumstances and I’m thinking shabbychic might have some very good suggestions for you. Once you do get farther away from him, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how good you feel! It takes a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it! The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to do it all in a day. It’s a process.
In my case, my ex did the smear campaign all the way; neighbors, friends and family as well. Member of MY family were getting him out of jail! The result of that campaign is largely reversed. I found out I have good neighbors and friends. My family is still healing (that’s a whole ‘nother story.) but I have people back in my life again. I, too, became the hermit and I didn’t talk to anyone around me. I understand.
Stay true to your heart and what you know to be THE TRUTH. We are all here for you. LF is a wonderful place full of awesome people. Love yourself and know that you deserve that love. It flies in the face of all the mean things he’s said and done, I know, but love the real you. YOU deserve it. I’ve read all the comments on here to you and I agree with all of them. Go get your freedom!
Hugs,
Cat
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bluejay says:
Alicia,
You don’t deserve to be treated the way you have been (this man literally sound like a monster to me). I will be praying that things turn around for you ASAP, that you can find a place to live (away from him), a place where you can heal, living in peace.
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Kitten says:
Alicia:
Run as fast as you can….there can be no going back to such a monster….I agree with bluejay, find peace, anywhere you can but where you are at now.
Day 14 for me….NC so far…hopefully it will continue forever…learning to just breathe again.
Kitten
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Kitten – good for you! breath deep!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
the smear campaign – it was the threat of it that cowed me; stopped me from revealing that ‘he’ didn’t die, and now that ‘he’ has come back from the dead (and i am SURE ‘he’ is saying her had to fake his death ’cause someone, possibly me, was after ‘his’ money) and is still conning peeps with this bs story, it is the thing that keeps me from saying that there is one wizard, and not 27 characters out there in the world.
i fear humiliation. it is my worst fear in life (if we remove physical torture and physical rape from the table). humiliation. someone i knew years ago humiliated me (and there was NO audience) and i hit her. then there was that time in grade 5 – same crap – i respond pretty aggressively to humiliation; which means that it is my Achilles heel, and that the ppath has her talons in my heel/ heal.
the fact that i would not reveal her as myself lessens the possibility that she would come after me. so it means that perhaps a lot of my energy wrapped up in this is FEAR (the false evidence appearing real type).
so, my issue is my fear of humiliation, and my fear of having to deal with her smearing me in relation to new work situations. i just went through this long process for a job (which i didn’t get, but got darn close – one of 4 out of over 100). the job was with a church. i felt that i would be safe there – that she wouldn’t be able to really mess with me there. i mourn that loss. but it makes me more aware of what i AM looking for in terms of environments and safety in my life.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
looking for info online about ‘smear campaigns’ and ‘persecution’ by ppaths and found this: http://www.rexxfield.com/defin.....hopath.php
don’t know if he is in the resource guide or not.
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OxDrover says:
Dear One_step,.,NAMING YOUR FEAR is the very first step to controlling it.
Humiliation??? What does that word MEAN TO YOU SPECIFICALLY?
How does it make you feel? (don’t say “humiliated,” dumby!) LOL Physically? spiritually?
What happens when you get these feelings of humiliation?
Then think about how you can WEAVE a magic cape to put around your shoulders, and INVISIBLE MAGIC CAPE with pieces of Fat and Hairy’s invisilble hair and some of the invisible feathers from my feather hat, and woven together with spider webs from my garden, and this cloak will protect you from HUMILIATION. No humiliation can ever get through this magic cape to get to you—-now you need never worry about being humijliated because you have a MAGIC CAPE sewn by Oxy that will make any attempt to humiliate you slide off like water off a duck’s back.
I used to think that I had to have some one else validate my feelings before they were real, sort of llike co-signing a car loan I guess, but now I can VALIDATE myself. So you can protect yourself with my pretty invisible cape (only you and I can see it) It will fly to your house and be there by morning! Wear it well, my friend! ((((hugs)))))
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oxy – this is a useful and lovely post; thank you. i will work on defining humiliation for myself this weekend.
gonna get me some of that french donkey hair too, to weave into the cape…and all sorts of things from my garden.
(the donkey foals – omg, i don’t know that i have seen anything cuter!)
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