Sociopaths and their smear campaigns
PDF Lovefraud received the following letter from a woman who was married to a sociopath for 16 years.
I was a stay-at-home mom until my son entered kindergarten, then I got a job. This was the end of any peace I would have for 10 years. The worst possible thing happened to my husband—the woman he could make fun of for being stupid or having no goals (whatever he would say to hurt my self-esteem) became a huge success. In fact, I made three times as much as Mr. Wonderful. The abuse escalated. He was so obsessed with destroying me that even on a business trip where I was getting an award for being the top sales rep in my company, he was pulling my boss aside and insinuating I was committing fraud and that was why I was #1.
For the last year of my marriage, he had convinced me to hand over all extra money so he could invest for “our” future. I did it thinking it was his ego that was hurt from my success. I didn’t know what he was then.
He spent a year hiding every dime, transferring every debt into my name, making up horrible stories about me to my friends and family. He would go talk to them in tears and say I was stealing all of our money and cheating on him. He would say how much he loved me and ask for advice, then have them swear not to say anything to me because he wanted our marriage to work. He even went so far to pull cousins, aunts and uncles aside during my grandmother’s funeral to say these things.
At the end of the year, while I was packing for a very large business meeting that was to announce a promotion for me, he told me he had cancer.
I believed him. Who besides a sociopath would say such a lie to their wife? That whole evening was spent crying and upset that my husband had cancer. Then I asked him a simple question, “Who is your doctor?” He couldn’t answer. Who would forget their cancer doctor? Then I realized, if he had been going to the doctor for such a serious illness, where were all the insurance bills? I have been to the doctor for a cold and gotten a bill from a lab, the doctor, then a follow-up from the insurance company to pay more, etc. I kicked him out.
I went to my business meeting and the onslaught of horrible screaming calls to the receptionist began from him. An entire week of this, while I was supposed to be there receiving a promotion. I left without the promotion and was basically fired… “maybe you need to take some time to attend to personal problems.”
When I came home, I filed for divorce, cried for weeks and then looked around to find our money to pay bills. It was hidden; not a trace of paperwork was left. Every bill was in my name only. My friends, my family, my neighbors, even customers, no longer spoke to me. I deserved this, in their eyes.
Three years later, I still have nobody who fully believes me. I have one friend. My parents and I speak, but I don’t trust them not talk to my husband. If he has any information on me, he does whatever he can to destroy me. He abandoned our son, moved to another state to live with the next victim. My own sister sends him cards and letters and won’t speak to me.
The smear campaign
This woman was subjected to a smear campaign from her husband, the sociopath.
Abusers often use this tactic to cover up their own behavior and convince others that they are the ones being victimized. In fact, abusers frequently start the campaign as a pre-emptive strike, long before the relationship with the true victim collapses.
That’s what happened to the woman who wrote the letter. As the sociopath was getting ready to move on—he probably had his next victim already lined up—he laid the groundwork to destroy his wife. With his tears and skill as a liar, he convinced the woman’s friends and family of his story. They became unwitting co-conspirators.
What can you do?
Fighting the smear campaign is difficult. Most honest people can’t imagine that someone would be lying when making the outrageous charges that the sociopath claims, so they believe the lies. When the true victim finds out what has been said, everyone has already turned against her.
MSN Psychopath, a forum for victims, has a page about the smear campaign with suggestions on how to handle it. For example:
If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop sign) and say something like, “I don’t want to hear anything about him. He’s lying.” Say no more. If it continues, say, “My lawyer recommends I warn people they will have to testify where they heard that, should this turn into a libel or slander lawsuit.” Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told.
Some more ideas: Say nothing but burst out with raucous laughter, slap your knee and laugh like crazy. “You should have heard what he said about his ex-girlfriend (ex-wife, you, his sister).” You get the idea.
Your own pre-emptive action
Once your relationship falls apart and you realize you’re dealing with a sociopath, or once you start to hear the lies, you may want to take your own pre-emptive action. Warn your family, friends, co-workers and the Human Resources Department at your job that the sociopath may start saying terrible things about you. This may work if their perceptions haven’t already been poisoned by the sociopath.
It may help to be able to explain why a person would say such terrible things. The reason, of course, is that the person is a sociopath. But as we all know, very few people understand what that means. To help others comprehend what you are dealing with, send them a link to Lovefraud.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
silvermoon says:
Humiliation-
It feels shameful to accept being fooled and to realize what we allowed to fool us- it comes of understanding perhaps after the fact what we were at the time of it-that allowed us to allow them to be part of us.
And it is something to recognize in this world that wants perfection from women and professionals. Perfection in everything we are, how we look. how we perform and what we say and do per the pop psuchylogy content du jour. No one can keep up with the competitions of whole industries to convince us that if we are more perfectly beautiful or etc we may then have hope but without the most fashionable products or personalities that hope is to be withheld until we obtain or achieve them.
Leaves me somewhere out there like a bull in a china shop.
But the process of retiring to a more humble position in life and self recognition follows this experience. Leaves me seeing vampires in every bush and shadow and learning that there are rules which may not be broken. And there are boundaries of propriety which might be observed for our own benefit.
The burden of it all is not mine or yours alone to carry. All we can be is the best we can be and authentic is as good as it gets.
I observe from the donkeys that the winter shag gives way to sleekness in the shiny coats underneath and that mutual grooming helps relieve them of the heavy hair.
Rather than seek a cape of protection, I’ll ask is not the sleekness of authenticity we are really after and that the process of mutual grooming is what IT is all about as we move from the very humiliated place of being less than perfect for a host of reason which are amplified by the shameful, hurtful and destructive reality of having been fooled falls like cold weather on our shaggy selves?
I won’t be perfect and I won’t focus my life’s work on perfection- but rather on the tasks at hand and the things I can do to enjoy my life and days.
It ends up being about being.
And it is good being hee with others who are or have been as shaggy as me and who are now scratiching off the long hair and becoming sleeker beasts for it.
Hee Haw!
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OxDrover says:
To me, shame and humiliation go together, as a feeling of having been PUBLICLY shown to be “not good enough” or “not worthy” or “not perfect” or that the whole world knows that I am a failure, sinner5, etc. etc. or that I have been “caught” doing something “dirty” or “nasty” and must walk through the community with others throwing mental rotten eggs and tomatoes at me.
And Oh, yes, I have felt like that!
Grooming the “Hair shirt” off (as it were) in the spring to beccome sleek and shiny underneath is I think, Silver, a better analogy, so that the sleekness of our hides, the “slings and arrows” thrown at us will slide off like water off a duck’s back.
The FEELINGS though, are ours to deal with and we can pick and choose who can see us by covering with the invisible cloak, or we can strut our stuff and show our beautiful slick and shiny hide! But we do not have to feel shamed, humiliated or less than worthy because of what has happened to us, or what we have done or had done to us.
I’ll think on this some more. (((hugs))))
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one_step_at_a_time says:
silver – for me the cape is an image of being protected by one’s authenticity; one’s (no pun intended) truth and bravery, woven together with the love of friends and the agape of the existence of the earth and sky and water. for me it is a potent image – that of ‘mantle’ and has come up in my writing many times over the years.
your second paragraph speaks volumes, and directly to the external and internal pressures applied at this time re work and the business world. my closest business associate and prime player on team ‘get one step employed’ said to me this week, ‘if you ever want to talk about this’ (he knows i have ptsd and that i am struggling with dis-ease) and i thought, nope. not going there. i need to keep my game face on. i have game face or i have tears. face firmly stitched on for the time being. and i NEED that…not just that i fear repercussions – i need to put my competency forward, i need to exercise my people skills, i need to bring my work self out into the world. I NEED SOME NORMAL. i have done many meetings this week and a lot of networking and talking with people about jobs. i found it really exhausting, REALLY exhausting. but it’s ‘muscle memory’ and i want to be back on the bike, so i practice.
and another part of me needs part of what bulletproof is articulating. i have ranted in pure anger here on many occasions – usually late at night. the night shift is pretty damn good at standing with it. now, one person did take serious offense to my use of profanity and posted in an very negative way, and reported it to donna. so that shut me down in a not great way. but the rest of the night shift had the compassion and sense of objectivity to stand with. as k hawk says, it IS a social emotion and i have been taught from the get go to f***ing hide anger. ohh, nobody likes an angry girl! and you can imagine the amount of dismissive crap that gets slung at an angry dyke. now i am the angry middle aged woman….see, there is a binding for every age! for god’s sake.
amplification of feeling less than perfect…yes, i think that is very true for me too. and that is one of the gifts from the spath (f*** you very much) – i get to see where alllll my hurts and fears and ‘failures’ are. bless her heart.
that i can be fooled – i don’t feel so much shame about this, more it makes me question my ability to take care of myself and protect myself in the world – so it is very destabilizing.
my shame lays in revealing parts of the story, revealing parts of myself that are not for public consumption. how fast do people dismiss spathy? fast. how quickly do they dismiss online? quicker. how fast do they dismiss fetish community? quickest. i have to out myself in so many ways if i tell this story. it does make me laugh though – as ‘he’ was supposed to be a boy, the story makes me look straight. snort!
and then there is the other thing of revealing to people close to me. it has its own challenges (‘cept they know some things about me and are my friends because they are like minded or accepting).
i feel more humiliated about how it has wrecked my life. the ppath came hand in hand with 90% of the chemical exposures i have endured. it is a slag heap – the ptsd has to do with both things. and they both affect each other enormously. i am ashamed about the ptsd, my low functioning, that the anger i feel affects my in the world relationships. i feel burdened by the weight of it all. so much work to dela with everythign and i am so tired to begin with.
another aspect of humiliation – (and this post hasn’t delat with the humiliation i wrote about yesterday – the one connected with a smear campagin if i proceed against her.) that really has to do with humility if i break it done far enough – my friends have abandoned me. this says, really all this says is – they were not strong enough or compassionate enough to stand with me. and THIS is just a function of the relationships not being solid enough to endure this. they endured (and i am speaking of two close friends here – we are a triumvirate) illnesses and job layoffs and major life events – but they were not strong enough to endure this. so, in humility, i know that this is just the case and there is really no shame to be had about it. it is their lack, not mine. *I* am strong enough; *I* will endure.
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silvermoon says:
The smear campaign thing is scary. Apparently the disordered don’t JUST go away.
What feels shameful is having to make the public admission that yep, I got snookered. And Yep there are consequences socially and professionally. And Yep, I’m still me, still going forward. And Nope, the smear isn’t the whole story but, people who hear it need to consider the source-If they don’t, they are snookered too.
The wrecking of my life is a very personal and private thing, It wasn’t really my life, it was just me. It just created a hollow out of the whole of my being.
Are we fortunate that nature abhors a vacum?
Perhaps. We will be filled and if we choose first to refill with the autenticity of our own nature, the love of the divine and the accuracy with which we now see the world from this vantage point is it all so bad-really?
Well, bad and hard are different. Poverty is hard, not bad. Injustice is bad and hard. I see things that are hard not in a light of good or bad, but easier or harder to resolve. And a lot of the residual effect of a SPATH encounter is HARD…………
The loes, the manipulations, the smearing. That’s BAD.
So how do we deal from a place of humiliation and distress, fear and indignity?
WEll, many years ago there was a radio show I used to listen to on the LEFT Coast. And the guy always closed the news report by saying, if ya don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.
And I think that is what we are discussing here. Putting on blinders to manipulation management and going forward with our lives. We can’t control anything or anybody else and there is no point in being fearful of a smear propagated by a not credible source. The facts are what the facts are.
And facts can be revealed without emotional pleading.
Thats what is kind of cool about facts…..
And the fact is that we are challenged to survive and need to be blinded by relentlessness in our quest to achieve it.
So how do we get from here to there?
That is the question: To be or not to BE and the questions about being is one to me that asks are we here, now present in our own lives and attaining our goals?
What help do we need. I need and accountant and a lawyer and an employer and an Angel.
My next stop today is going to be craigslist. Isn’t that where you find everything?
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OxDrover says:
Dear Silvermoon,
Just don’t pick up a guy off craig’s list, I don’tn think there is much truth in advertising there! LOL
Your concept of bad vs hard is interesting.
The smear campaign sometimes starts before we even know we are targets. It goes on behind our backs as part of the abuse sometimes, to discredit us in ADVANCE.
I’ve been FINANCIALLY damaged as a result of a smear campaign by a psychopath, who used it to their advantage over me. It WORKED.
My egg donor and my sperm donors have both smeared me to make themselves appear better by contrast, more sane! LOL
So yes, the smear campaign can be both BAD, and HARD to deal with.
Povery, if it is deep enough, I think can also be both BAD and Hard to deal with. It shouldn’t be SHAMEFUL though sometimes it feels that way. I know people who have felt shame because they were poor, I never felt shame when I was VERY poor. Wondered what I would do, but not ashamed.
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Rosa says:
Isn’t it amazing how socios can run around smearing people, telling insidious lies with impunity….THEN……when WE try to warn others (with the TRUTH) about possible danger of the socio, it’s “Kill the Messenger” time….and we are the “Messenger”.
What’s up with that?
It’s a good thing that the truth has a way of revealing itself in the end….and it does…..it just takes longer than we’d like sometimes.
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OxDrover says:
Yea, KILL the messenger! LOL It’s actually almost funny to me now, Rosa, because I really don’t give a big rat’s behind about what the neighbors think. Let her and that dumb biatch that cleans her toilets tell the whole world what a witch I am and how I tried to steal money from my egg donor. I DID care at one point, but you know you just get to the point that IT DOESN’T MATTER ANY MORE.
When you do the best you can and you still get slapped, sometimes you just get tired of trying to pull a wagon out of a mud hole when it is NOT GOING TO BUDGE and you just QUIT CARING if it gets out of the mud hole or not.
I figure if you spend all your energy running around trying to convince people that the psychopath is lying anyway, all you are doing is giving them PUBLICITY—and people who don’t even know about their smear campaign will learn about it and say “what’s up with this? where there’s smoke, there must be fire” and all you are doing is SPREADING IT!
Sort of like that bunch of folks trying to smear Nora on her thread yesterday. She didn’t smear them, THEY
SMEARED themselves! So I figure that the best thing to do is to just let them rage, rant and go on and on about their carp and the folks who know me and really care KNOW the truth and the rest of the folks, I could care less about what they think!
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silvermoon says:
Ox,
NOT TROLLING for men on CL- OMG that would be where to find the bottom of the proverbial barrel of humanity for absolute sure~!
So bad its funny! My once upon a love is still on a number of sites including Plenty of Fish and Dating Cupid, Zoosk and Datopia. Obviously we know they are hunting grounds!
I think I am done with personal relationships on the internet but I am glad you expressed the concern. LOL!
I did put up an ad for garden tools and plants. maybe I will get some response and some stuff to start a garden with.
That would be so cool.
Rosa, you are right about linger than we want to – Its that concept of how to function independent of someone else’s timing that occurs to me.
Anybody who is going to buy into a smear campaign without evaluating that the smearer has previous fraud convictions deserves to believe I guess. There ought to be a boundary there.
Its hard when we look to our life relationships and as one person here wrote, their friends told them just just get on with life after a systematic emotional abuse – you can’t just get on without working through it.
Its bad when people who don’t get it blame us for the choice that got us there, We weren’t the liars and the thieves. We were the victims. But that allows the get on with your life to be the next words.
We are getting on with life a phase of healing at a time and with all the travesties of fear and smear on top of it.
The disordered don’t go away. The tools we have for stopping them are limited and in fact it often seems like they get away with so much.
But the in the end statistics aren’t so good because so many of them die poorly and I guess we just have to get on with our lives no matter what.
So, getting on with it means having a story to tell the world based in fact, clear of emotional hooks and true to the real. And if that story is repeated, it will be repeated and one day, the truth will land in a place at a time that triggers some point of turn around for the victims.
But time passes – we don’t control it. We just have to forge ahead within it don’t we?
Sometimes, you have to let others show themselves before you gain the credibility you deserve. I wish there was another way but if there is, I haven’t found it.
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OxDrover says:
Yea, I think I’lll go down to the septic tank and go fishing before I will troll for men on CL!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO
Just the thought of it is enough to make you puke, right? LOL
Oh, I need to go outside into the sauna and check on the cats, dogs and ducks. I put them little paddle footed kittens out in the barn today in a crate to get them used to the sights and smells—they had learned to climb thje shower curtain in the bathroom and climb up my legs with their little 7-toed feet OUCH! Got my 2 eggs this morning, must have 10 dozen in the fridge! Up to 900 calories so far today, and will eat another 300 before I go to bedtime. I AM SO FREAKING HUNGRY!!!!!! I want ice cream!!!!!
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Rosa says:
Ox Drover:
These are DELICIOUS from Breyer’s…..only 130 calories per bar.
Smooth & Dreamy Bars come in 3 flavors.
http://www.breyers.com/product.....-Bars.aspx
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OxDrover says:
YEA BUT I WOULD HAVE TO GO BACK OUT INTO THE HEAT AND DRIVE 25 MILES TO SOME PLACE THAT WOULD HAVE THEM. I would RATHER have a big box of Breyer’s and a SPOON! LOL
I’ll give them a try next time I’m in town.
I just got back in from checking on the kittens and the rest of the critters (10 minutes max outside) and it was brutal I don’t have a dry stitch on! Gonna go take me a shower now since I don’t have to go back outside, curl up with my book and kick back til bedtime (early so I can get up early to go outside tomorrow)
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ErinBrock says:
Try canned peas – frozen….that outta keep the weight off!
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OxDrover says:
Dear ErinB,
Actually I LIKE RAW FROZEN PEAS, they are kind of sweet and cold and crunchy. I also just realized I have some frozen grapes in fridge. I love frozen grapes and frozen bananas to chew on, makes them take more time to eat (I eat too fast anyway) but I’ll pass on the canned peas frozen! YUK I’m not sure a buzzard would eat them! At least not without new taters and white sauce. SIGH! Damn I am so tired of diet already but need to take another 10 pounds or so off!
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ErinBrock says:
Your doing fine oxy!
At least you didn’t have a 5 year old asking you…..Auntie EB….why do you have a baby in your tummy.
Kill the kid!!!
(My kids laughed HISTARICALLY!)
I guess his parents haven’t given him the ol talk about…..
If you got nothing to say…..SAY NOTHING!!!
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jazzy129 says:
“The wrecking of my life is a very personal and private thing, It wasn’t really my life, it was just me. It just created a hollow out of the whole of my being.”
Silvermoon, you said it all. Thank you.
When i tried to tell everyone that this sicko stole, lied, and mistreated me while he was living in my home, everyone told me ‘oh, just be glad he’s gone’. No clue the devastation I’ve been through.
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erin1972 says:
Oxy’s post about humiliation and shame really hit home for me. The first paragraph was the most perfect description of how I feel when I think about my involvement with the ex spath. I feel like people are throwing things at me. People I thought were my friends no longer want anything to do with me, and that was a lesson that I learned. I do not associate or socialize with co-workers outside of work anymore. Coworkers are NOT friends. I needed to separate that. I guess I need to sit down with my dictionary and look up the definition of “friend” and research it everywhere so that I know never to confuse the two again.
A true friend will not just kick you to the curb like that. I wrote on here recently about one who did that to me when the spath dumped me. It’s happened since then too. A true friend won’t dump me if they don’t like something I say. A friend will not condescend to me. Most of my closest friends are 15-20years older than me-for some reason, we’re on the same level. I have come into contact with some who think that because they are older, I coudn’t possibly understand what they go through. Bottomline, I need to really focus on that definition and choose my friends more wisely to weed out the ones who aren’t real.
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OxDrover says:
Dear EB, RULE #1: NEVER under any circumstances ask a woman if she is preg, or indicate you think she is UNLESS you see a BABY’S HEAD COMING OUT BETWEEN HER LEGS.
Dear Erin1972, sugar, I have CULLED down my list of “friends” to only what I can count on my fingers and not use them all. Believe me, everyone else is an acquaintence.
Real friends don’t use you, they are there for you, and if you pith them off A SINCERE APOLOGY and a hug will put things right. They don’t LIE TO YOU, and you can ask them to help you “hide the body” (joke) but they are worth more than GOLD!
So kick the chumps to the curb, (you don’t even have to tell them you are kicking them out of your “circle of trust”—just quit trusting those folks and then when they dump on you, you won’t be hurt!
Also, ANYONE WHO LIES, CHEATS, STEALS, or is DISHONEST or expects others to fulfill their responsibilities—DUMP’EM and never give them another chance.
Makes life much simplier!
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bluejay says:
jazzy129,
It is devastating to know that someone that you trusted betrayed you in so many awful, hurtful ways, running you over (without looking back). Some how we have to find the strength to go on, get into a more positive mode of thinking, existing…it’s hard to do. Hopefully, in time everyday living will be better for you.
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jazzy129 says:
One of my best friends HATED…I mean HATED my ex-spath. I did not talk to her for months while we were still together. I thought he was misunderstood and I could help him change. After I kicked him out, she ranted on me….it’s just her way. She still loves me dearly, but she refused to discuss him anymore after he was gone, no matter what i said. We get along great now, but she will not tolerate any mention of him.
She’s a pip, but doesn’t understand what a sociopath can do. That’s why I keep coming back here, I guess.
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bluejay says:
Unfortunately, they don’t change, not even being able to recognize their own need for change. I get very frustrated and discouraged with the way things are in my life, wanting improvements NOW. This disorder is the pits. Take care.
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OxDrover says:
Hang on to that friend, Jazzy, she had the caring and the back bone to stand up in your face and tell you you are WRONG! THAT IS A FRIEND! You treasure her! She has good instincts too.
She’s within her right to refuse to talk to you about him but if you haven’t apologized to her you need to, get on your knees GF and kiss her feet She is a GOOD FRIEND!
From now on she checks out your guys and if she doesn’t like them, OUT THEY GO!!!!! I’M FOR HER!!! Tell her I said so!~!!!
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jazzy129 says:
Ha! Thanks, Oxdrover…she is a good gal. She is very loud (unlike me) and used to be a big gal before her stomach staple surgery….I was one of the ‘caretakers’ after the surgery…very hard on her and her wonderful hubby. He liked my cooking best! And I cook low fat!
And, yes, I apologized up, down, and all around. She is a keeper, but she has had a tough life(she was the oldest…12…when Mom left and her Dad had cancer) and won’t tolerate weakness in anything. She is what she is and I love her dearly.
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jazzy129 says:
bluejay…I know what you mean…I’m there with you. I honestly never knew such people existed in my 52 years. It’s a shock like jumping into a frigid New Hampshire stream. it takes everything away. You have to start all over again.
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OxDrover says:
QUOTE: Jazzy
“its a shock like jumping into a frigid New Hampshire stream, it akes everything away. You have to start all over again.”
WOW, Gal, that is such a great way of looking at things, like jumping into a COLD RIVER and oh, how it DOES take everything away!!!!
Thank you for that quote I am going to remember that one! It is wonderful!
I have two friends that I would love to have the lap band surgery for over weight, I know it is a difficult thing to be addicted to food. I’m “fat” but not like that, and I feel for them so much. That much over weight will shorten and complicate life! I’m glad your friend did that for herself and Glad you were there for her after her surgery!
And glad you have her for a friend! Sounds like she needs some healing too from her childhood. Pox on her mother and may the fleas of a 1000 camels inhabit the arm pits of that woman and MAY SHE SHARE A ROOM AT THE NURSING HOME WITH HENRY’S MOTHER!!!! (how is THAT for a curse!?)
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blueskies says:
Hee!hheeeee! Ox Drover I like your curse!:)xx I am going to say it (to myself) everytime I get wrapped up in feeling crap about ED and the things she says and does:) Then say AAAhmen!..and spit on the floor and carry on with my day!:)xx He he! Brilliant!
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tink3010 says:
This is all so enlightening. Have just in last fortnight got out of a relationship with somebody I had lightheartedly suspected had many traits of sociopathy. However had not thought about too deeply. A couple of days ago when trawling the internet was amazed that his personality ticks just about every box. A traumatic ralationship for 4 years and had gone from a fun party girl to a bore constantly worrying why he did things? Friends left in droves. The ones he had not already caused hurt both physically or in a passive spiteful style. Having pushed his advances away this weekend on Sunday he rang my friends boyfriend to tell him I said in an argument that I had slept with them and their son and he was ringing them to warn them!!!!!!! (I had not answered one of the 42 calls received in two hours) I left still feeling outraged but extremely hurt somebody could lie about me that way. This website is so fantastic in enabling me to realise it was all a matter completely out of my hands prior to realising he really is a manipulating lying controlling silver tongued man who should have a public health warning tattooed on forehead.
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tink3010 says:
jazzy129….the comment of yours to say just be pleased is exactly as my mothers when tried to tell her my upset. “Oh well he is gone now dear” Its like emerging from a massive car crash and expect will be shell shocked for a long while yet.
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Hopeforjoy says:
Any advice for spath turning on the smear campaign? We have a son in hockey and mutual friends and I think he already started with the “she’s crazy” crap. How do I hold my head up high and stay sane? I have really fantisized about telling his friends, family but I don’t know that they would believe me.
Why bother? I should just let it go. When you see them giving you the ‘I feel sorry for you’ look, I wonder what they have been told and feel badly about it.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Hope4joy,
Well, how did it go on Friday when he was served? Is he still in the house? OF COURSE HE WILL SMEAR YOU–and the ONLY way you can combat it is to PRETEND IT ISN’T HAPPENING.
When people try to tell you what he is saying, (gossip) tell them nicely, but FIRMLY, “I really dont’ want to discuss my personal business with John with anyone now, thank you.l”
Communicate with him THROUGH YOUR ATTORNEY only.
He will try to get your kids (son) to carry messages as well, so same answer to your kid is “Johnny, I really dont’ think it is appropriate to discuss your dads and my problems with you. Have your dad contact my attorney for information about ….”
Keep the information like a prisoner of war, name, rank and serial number ONLY….be nice but firm to any but your CLOSEST Friend or two that you know you can trust even if someone had bamboo splinters under their nails…and that may mean you don’t discuss it with ANYONE except here and your attorney. Try to keep the emotional stuff down with your attorney as well. Try to Keep a calm,, cool and collected face on it all, and I know that may be difficult. He is going to pull out all the stops and use every DIRTY trick in the book…but you have thought about all this for a long time so I think you can handle it okay.
WHAT “everyone” thinks isn’t important at this point—it is about what YOU KNOW IS THE TRUTH, AND YOUR OWN PEACE! TOWANDA!!!!
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Hopeforjoy says:
The papers weren’t served on Friday, turns out I needed to sign something from the attorney before they can serve him. I faxed it over to them on Friday and now they need a retainer check. It would have been nice if I had this information before. They told me he could be served and did not mention the other stuff.
He is still in the house, he said he will be out January 3rd. He also tried to get into my room in the middle of the night. I lock my door at night. He said he was so sad he just wanted to see me. It was 3:30 am and I said I do NOT want to be scared while I’m sleeping so I lock the door. Then he started crying, pouring on the I just can’t be without you carp. He promised not to do it again and so far so good.
What bugs me about the smear lies is that he seems so normal and caring. “I am just so worried about Hope, she is so anxious and depressed.” Drives me loony. How can he be doing all those nasty things and still begging me for forgiveness.
I am going to bite my tongue and take your advice. Take the high road with friends, family, and son. So proud of daughter though. She does not let his crocodile tears sway her. She found her adamant and is not letting go! She wants to move and not tell dear ole dad where we live. Goll, I know I sound like I’m braggin but if I had half of her gumption I would have never let this go so far. Spath would have been out on his heiny years ago!
Thanks Oxy for the advice. I cherish it. Even though this has been a horrible experience, I know the true value of real people and I might have taken that for granted before. You are the real mccoy.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Hope4joy -you sound so good – grounded and more and more sure. can’t tell you how good that makes me feel; very proud of you! your daughter got it from somewhere!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Hope4joy,
Pox on the stinking lawyer! I hope the fleas of 1000 camels infest his armpits.
Trying to come into your room at 3:30 a.m.!!!! WAtch your back, chickie! He is up to no good.
I’m glad your daughter is doing well too, and glad she has found her ADAMANT! Glad you found yours too!Don’t let what others think sway you in doing what you KNOW IS BEST. What you know is protective of you and your daughter. Even your son may never believe or see the truth, not always do our kids get it, but that doesn’t mean that you and your daughter should go down the toilet with him. It is sort of a life-boat situation, you save the ones you can and you have to let the other ones go. That’s a tough spot to be in, but sometimes we don’t have a choice in the spots we are in, we have to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m proud of you, Hope4, you’ve come a LONG WAY BABY!!! You haven’t made any snap decisions, but you have made a lot of progress and I am sure your daughter is proud of you too. She has a mother to look up to, that she knows will do what she has to even in a touch situation! (((Hugs))) and my prayers for you and your family—lock your bedroom door and put a chair under the knob!
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Hopeforjoy says:
Thanks One-steppers and Oxy,
I feel better too, so much more grounded. If I’m sounding more self assured I do owe much of it to your advice.
There is NO WAY I could have come this far and got out of the fog without you. No way in heck. I still question how a person could be capable of smearing you and keep saying that they love you. Disordered people are so scary.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Hope4joy – they are scary. keep going, you are doing so well!
did you see this quote?
‘To a sociopath, your ONLY value is the purpose you serve to their intended immediate ends. Those intended ends shift and change, and so must the means, altering YOUR value. ‘
tells me A LOT about their M.O. We KNOW they try everything in their arsenals to see what works. the last time i talked to the spath she did this – over 5 hours told me many many stories until she thought she got one she could get traction with. Maybe she did, but not with me.
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ErinBrock says:
Hope;
Yes…..JUST hold your head up high and continue to be THE person you have always been…..and keep things close to the hip! DOn’t discuss anything but the kids activities with other hockey parents…..
NOW….heres the caveat……he will continue….you have to let him as you have no control over this anyways. bite your tongue and hold your head high……they will either believe him (for now), Not believe him (great) or file his remarks and be confirmed when you have a public outburst. (WHICH YOU”LL NEVER DO!!!!!!)
Eventually, he won’t be able to sway people quick enough…..and his mask will slip to these people…..and they will alienate him…..due to his own behaviors and they lies they were told……you will continue to be ‘who’ you have always been…..not speaking bad of him, not speaking of him at all in public…….and they will think…..dang…..we were wrong to misjudge her, or believe him…..LESSON TO THEM ALL!
You will need self control and patience…..and understand this from the GETGO!
In time…..you will gain ALL respect for taking the high road.
I have a GF who is realizing this currently. Spath is going around town trying to gain support…..people looked at herthrough one eye for several months…..it IS upsetting and it DID upset her….yet she stuck to her guns….and remained smiling at people who had one eye closed and hesitant to speak with her……she continued volunteering in childrens classrooms, sub teaching, bowling, going to the parades in town and saying hello to everyone she would before….and smiled. People who smile…..make others wonder, when they’ve heard weird things about them……they interpret this as…..if I was XXX or YYYY in her position, I wouldn’t be smiling, but she always seems happy…..hmmmmmwhy?????? And they pay attention……and THEN…..eventually, (because SPATH is NOT going to stop, he’s going to push them harder to convince) but eventually…..the scales tip.
Even then…..continue with your smiles and greetings….whethre its at the hockey game or kids school or grocery store….wherever…….even when you feel down…..keep a smile on your face for public consumption…..always ask people who engage you about THEIR lives…..hows your new job, I hear Jr scored 2 goals last week, I love the color of your house, new paint job? Engage them in THEM.
If they ask you…..keep is simple. Oh, jr got an A on his science project and Jress is getting ready for the prom, she’s so excited….yadayada…..we are doing well, thank you….life is good, no complaints.
It will ALL come back around and bite him in the ass…..ya just gotta make it through the emotional crap that hurts in the meantime……of people questioning YOU!
But….you can do it……just know the outcome, how to get there, and keep this in the forefront of your mind when you feel like going OFF on the grocery clerk who snubs you, or your neighbor or an old couples friend of yours both…..
It’s a good lesson is WHO is really there to stand behind you….becuase they have paid attention to ‘who’ you are, all along……
XXOO
EB
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Hopeforjoy says:
One steppers,
My therapist said that he values the look of a family. This is how he passes a sensitive because he values Christmas and family traditions. He likes old television shows and movies like ‘Its a Wonderful Life’. I used to think it was sweet but now I believe it is because he wants that perfect family because deep inside, he’s empty. That is why he is pulling out all the stops. The offers of travel and monitary things. Bribery.
For you, just listening to the spath for 5 hours had to be mind melting. Your gray matter was probably getting scrambled up like yesterdays breakfast. Lordy, they lay it on thick. The crazy making continues long after that conversation. But now you have the wisdom to know how messed up that psycho is, now it’s time for you. To know how special you are to survived such evil. Some people don’t get out, they get addicted to something or take their own lives.
It’s sad to think that we might have been one of those people.
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Hopeforjoy says:
Erin Brock,
It’s hard to be in the grocery store line and get the snub and hold my tongue. Gotta do it, it will be hard but this is good advice. It might take time but he will slip, no bad mouthing the spath (even though i really, really want to), just cool, calm and collected. Smiling through the hurt and knowing I will get the last laugh.
Spath will give them the message about my being crazy but if I am completely normal, they will go WTF?
My pointing out his many faults will only cause me to look like the jilted, bitter ex. Good message EB, thanks for the input. I will think of these posts when I’m at the next hockey game!
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ErinBrock says:
Hope:
Own it baby!
It IS hard. You WILL feel jilted……but like my GF is finding…..HOW WORTH IT is has been, because there divorce isn’t even in court yet…..and spath has slipped his own mask to the sheriff, the attorney (both) AND the community….which the judge also lives in, and the GAL and child therapists……!
She realized this just this week…..they separated in March.
Word of mouth is a powerful thing…..think about it…..and MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU.
Mums the word……
Keep your focus on what you want IN THE END! Not the here and now.
End result baby……grab it!
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Atlanta One says:
OK- I read the smear campaigns and my question to the board is simple–I know the difference in diagnosis between a BPD and a sociopath…but the smear campaigns sound mostly similar…my BPD stalker (Atlanta female “hotel” lawyer…) sounds just like these stories…just curious as I am going on 11 years of her BS/lying/control and no longer have any contact with other human beings as she systematically picked everyone off, often via proxy to control, left me without any human relations…she picks off even people like the tennis pro where I hnag out and hundreds of people that I haven’t even met…I just met her for 30 seconds as an acquintance of an acquintance at a Big Ten Picnic in Atlanta 11 years ago…I now think she wanted to date me…I went no contact a very long time ago…should I take her to court?
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Atlanta One says:
All my brother said for years on her command was ” We figured out where you live” and “I can kick your a@3, we’re blackmailing you” and “we know here you work…”
A formerly nice Indian/Yugo boy named “S.”
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shabbychic says:
I’m not understanding this.
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kim frederick says:
Yes, I’m confused, as well. Can you give us more information, so that we might e able to help?
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