Children of sociopaths are twice cursed
Many have declared that the lack of a conscience is the defect that defines sociopathy. Therefore, understanding how the conscience forms will lead us to better understand this disorder. Researchers currently discuss two basic pathways to conscience formation. The first and most common path to conscience is through guilt. Conscience through guilt develops from fear of punishment. Children who are genetically at risk for sociopathy are often fearless and so have little or no guilt, as discussed last week.
The second path to conscience
The second path to conscience is through empathy. A fearless child can have a conscience if he develops empathy. Conscience through empathy is called the “second pathway” or “alternative pathway” by researchers because empathy provides a conscience to fearless, relatively guiltless, people. Most humans have a two part conscience and experience both guilt and empathy.
Just what is empathy?
Empathy is our understanding of the feelings of others, AND a compulsion to treat others kindly based on this understanding. A compulsion is a strong urge– something a person feels he has to do. The compulsion to treat others kindly happens in part because an empathetic person actually feels another’s feelings as if they were his own. Thus the adage, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” describes a neural reflex.
If you have spent time with a sociopath, you can probably attest to the fact that although sociopaths have some understanding of other’s feelings, they lack the compulsion to treat others kindly. Brain imaging studies reveal that the parts of the brain responsible for empathy are smaller and poorly developed in sociopaths. Thus, sociopaths have failed to develop BOTH guilt and empathy. As a child, the sociopath did not travel down either path toward a conscience.
Fearless at-risk children can develop a conscience through empathy
To develop a conscience through empathy, at risk children need large amounts of nurturing attention. An especially close, loving relationship with at least one caregiver is required for empathy to develop. Because at-risk children are also impulsive and very difficult to be with, it is hard to provide them with the nurturing attention they need. Parents who succeed with at risk kids do so because they strike a balance between training impulse control and paying loving positive attention. An excessive focus on “discipline” prevents a parent from providing enough of the nurturing attention needed for empathy to develop.
At risk children are twice cursed twice!
Children of sociopaths are therefore twice cursed. They are at risk to fail to develop both guilt and empathy, one double curse. They are twice cursed again when the same genes that put them at risk, also give them unfit parents. Sociopaths are not capable of providing the nurturing attention at-risk children require. They also model aggressive behavior. In an at-risk child, unchecked aggressive impulses further squelch the development of empathy.
Are you the only healthy parent of an at-risk child?
If you are the only healthy parent of an-risk child, you have the challenge of dealing with your child’s genetics while minimizing the harmful environmental influences caused by the sociopathic parent. The legal system has failed to protect many at-risk kids from the harm done by parents who are sociopaths. This is especially tragic when there is a relatively healthy parent who is willing and able to provide the love and nurturance the at-risk child needs. The legal system should formally recognize that a child does not need both of his parents if one is a sociopath.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
jfbelltown says:
You say the legal system should recognize that children don’t need both parents in the case that one of them is a sociopath. However, the legal system does NOT recognize this. That being the case, why write this? Do you have any solutions?
Tuesday, 28 November 2006 @ 6:16pm
421dmb says:
I am not sure if my ex husband is a sociopath or not, but I do know that he exhibits many of the traits I have read about. My experience with the courts has not been very good. If you are a good parent, then you will try to encourage your children to love their father…and mine do. I don’t talk badly about him, so they love him.
My problem is that he is extremely hateful to me. He encourages total disrespect of me by my children. He is slowly eroding my relationship with my children. When I went to court to see if I could get visits supervised…they found kids that love their dad. The courts do not want to separate children from their parents even if they are being emotionally hurt by the parent…and I feel like I have a lot of written evidence, but it wasn’t enough. Now, the only thing I have is my agreement…which allows visitation, but at least it sets boundries for what he can do…and now when he violates it, I call the police. I think I was ill-advised by my children’s counselor not to involve the police early on. I was advised that involving the police would cause emotional harm to my children. This advice left me with no hard evidence in court of all that happened. It became his story against mine…and he is so cool and can lie so easily that he truly fooled all those involved. I, on the other hand, am kind of unsure of myself and anxious, so I look like a nervous Nelly.
My advice to anyone who is dealing with courts and custody and possible sociopaths is to hire someone who specializes in parental alienation and the law….have this person review your case and make recommendations as to what is best for your children. My experience is that many well-meaning counselors and lawyers do not understand parental alienation and so they make recommendations that are truly harmful to the overall situation. Normally, children need a good relationship with both of their parents…but dealing with a sociopath is anything but normal…and they are so good at manipulating that they can really make themselves look like wonderful, caring parents.
Tuesday, 28 November 2006 @ 11:40pm
will be okay says:
My ex boyfriend is a sociopath, and I never saw it until I caught him cheating. He too, seems like the nicest guy in the world, and is able to fool everyone. I now think about the 4 1/2-year-old son he has with his ex wife, how the child is completely out of control… screams and punches him in resturaunts, has temper tantrums every time he doesn’t get what he want’s, hits & kicks other kids in daycare, etc.. My children are very well behaved, they have been raised with alot of love, and discipline… So seeing his son so out of control, used to drive me crazy!! I voiced my concern, and that always seemed to anger my ex. Now I know my ex was a pathological lying sociopath all along, and now I also know.. His son will probably be one, too. What a shame!!!
Tuesday, 12 December 2006 @ 3:41pm
thereishope says:
I am the child of a sociopath who was raised by the state in between times that I was sent to Psycho mom and though I may have some issues with relationships and self image…I do not think I am anywhere near a sociopath.
I care about other people’s feelings…granted I am a Sag and often lack tact in my verbal communications but I never go out of my way and try my best to avoid anything that would hurt another person’s feelings.
I have been known to be too honest (if that is possible) even going so far as to tell on myself when I do something wrong because I feel so darned guilty!
I try my best to take responsibility for my actions. I don’t have trouble admitting I am wrong and I have even less trouble trying to fix my mistakes…I am human after all and I am entitled to make mistakes.
I don’t like to ask for anything from people and I have quite a tough time accepting things that people give me because I don’t want anyone to say I use them.
On the other hand I do know that some of my mother’s traits have been passed on to me. Lucky for me I think more along the lines that those behaviors were learned and are not part of my natural make-up and therefore I am able to control them. For instance:
As a teenager I was very good at lying to get what I wanted. I used to sit back and learn my mother’s methods of manipulation and saw how easily she could sell glasses to a blind man. To this day I won’t even allow myself to take a sales position for fear of being a con artist and selling people things they don’t need or want-this is my method of trying to control my mother’s power over me.
Another for instance: My mother is such a good liar that you could be standing outside admiring the sky and when you are looking at it, you see blue…you know what blue is. Then along comes a sociopath and within 20 seconds flat you are doing two things: a) questioning your ability to accurately judge color and b) you are thinking that maybe the sky is really orange…all because their job is to make you think that you are crazy and they have all the answers.
If I didn’t give an A+ effort everyday to not be like her…I would fear for this world because I am almost positive that second generation and third generation socio/psychopaths are even more adept at conning your pants off as they have perfected where their parents made mistakes.
I thank God that I am proactive in trying to be a normal person. It is hard work but then again I have taught myself that the things in life that are most worth it are those that you work your @ss off for.
I say give kids a chance. I have learned in life and through my education that labels cause more harm than good especially in children. Just because we are children of sociopaths does not mean that we are or better yet will be, sociopaths as well…positive thinking is the key. Build them up don’t knock them down and you just might be suprised at how far they excel and how easy they can prove statistics wrong. Some of us are living proof that life is mind over matter.
Thursday, 5 July 2007 @ 1:50pm