Red flags–if you see them, run
PDF Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him…he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others…everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much…BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
icanseeclearlynow says:
After reading through the entire thread now, I have a few thing to add. Some of them have already been discussed in other blogs, but for me, these are the most important cue off the bat.
The problem that I see with many of the things listed as “red flags” are behaviours that define sociopathic and other personality disorder behaviours, and ways we can make sense and recognize them and say AFTER THE FACT, that yes this is sick and not normal.
However, what I would be on the look-out for is not the later behaviours, once we’ve been hooked because by then it was already too late for us.
For example, one of these would be the “push and pull, love bomb and dump/rejection” ploy to instill emotional stress, insecurity and disequalibrium. Had I KNOWN that this was what was going on at the time, and that I was dealing with a sociopath and NOT as I was told a “tormented, confused and guilt-ridden sensitive man who just needed help and didn’t know what to do” I would have RUN!!!!
But no, that came too late and I was already too hooked by then. It’s like I already COMMITED to sit down and play a game of RISK with this creep (only I thought we were playing the game of LIFE)…until ONLY ONE PERSON is left standing. Once I sit down and commit the rest is just mechinations by the Sociopath to get EVERYTHING.
So, the question to me is “How do I NOT GET HOOKED?”
That really lessons the RED FLAGS for me.
Here’s mine:
1.) Instant CHEMISTRY.
Really strong overpowering physical vibes
There is something compelling about him
You feel like you have met your soul mate
He knows all the right things to say, all the right topics, loves all the things you do…you are BLOWN AWAY and feels like he was sent to you as your IDEAL MAN from the GET-GO.
He seems PERFECT…too perfect (like someone read your diary).
2) PITY PLAY
very early on…maybe even the first time you meet
a man might cry copious tears and share his “pain” with you right away
your EMPATHY is on high alert
you immediately feel sorry for him and want to do so much to help him
you can’t believe you’ve met such an open and sensitive guy
you feel protective and caring instantly even though you barely know him..but you feel like you do…because he’s IDEAL afterall
3) YOU START BEHAVING OUT OF CHARACTER
you do things you wouldn’t normally do
you make excuses for him
Once all 3 of those are in play, you are toast.
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Cat says:
GREAT Article and I’m glad I found it. I’ve been slowing making my way through LF and all that’s been written here.
RED FLAG #1 -This was HUGE early on in my relationship with him. He would call several times a day just to “hear my voice”. He would talk about how wonderful it was that we had finally found the “perfect” relationship and needed no one else. He would follow me into every room in the house and refused to go to sleep unless I was there. He called where I worked. If I didn’t answer the phone at home, he would send his mother over to see if I was “OK”. By the time that started happening, I knew there was something wrong here but before I hit that stage, I truly believed his BS, which was really that because the whole time he was pulling this crap, he was already screwing around with someone else!
icanseeclearly, I was TOAST with butter and jam!
The instant “chemistry” was overwhelming and the tears were there almost from the start. He can still cry faster than I can turn on my faucet. I really thought I had met the one and only knight in shining armor, but as my friend pointed out, what I REALLY got was Satan himself on the dockey, sitting backwards. I carry that picture with me all the time now and the only toast I eat is what I make.
YOU START BEHAVING OUT OF CHARACTER.
It took me a long time to see that I wasn’t myself, that I was making allowances for him that I wouldn’t even make for myself. I started not liking me because the person I had become wasn’t one I wouldn’t have put up with in any other set of circumstances. I “excused away” things that were morally, ethically and legally wrong.
I don’t do that today. My sense of self is coming back but I spent a long time being lost in his world. It’s so not a pretty place to be. Ick!
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OxDrover says:
Dear YOUcanseeclearlynow,
YES!!!!!!!
They do come on like you are THE most interesting person in the world and they just can’t wait to be your INSTANT BEST FRIEND, and the FLATTERY is over powering.
I used to call this “making application for instant best friend” and I noticed this especially with WOMEN who are Borderline Personality Disorder (which is more or less a female version of a male Psychopath/user) and from then on decided that people who come on that way and sort of “court” me as a “friend” very quickly are “suspect” and I back off from them and observe….usually I would be right.
However, when my P-BF started doing the same thing after my husband had died and I was lonely, I DIDN’T APPLY WHAT I KNEW TO APPLY, AND he love-bombed me and bingo, I’m HOOKED.
The Pity Play—yep mine did that too and before long
#3 kicked in and I’m DOWN FOR THE COUNT…..4 months of bliss, 4 months of hell, kicked him to the curb and ANOTHER few months of pain and grief.
You have some good things in your post, things we NEED TO KEEP IN OUR MINDS ANY TIME WE FEEL #1 AND 2, WHICH HOPEFULLY WILL PREVENT #3. (HUGS)))
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icanseeclearlynow says:
Cat:
Satan on a donkey is a great picture!! Yup. That works for me.
Everything you said about making allowances for him and not liking yourself and excusing behaviour from him you wouldn’t allow from yourself – check, check and check. ALL of it. Yes, I started to feel like NOT GOOD about myself because of this from very early on and instead of sticking to my guns and realizing this was a SIGN, I kept right on believing the MIRAGE, addicted to the charisma and the seduction play that I felt as love.
Not a pretty place to be is an epic understatement. ICK – good word!!
Oxy:
Oh you make a great point in adding in about the FLATTERY. That’s another tip-off with the love-bombing and the instant chemistry. The over the top flattery is a sure sign. You know it’s funny because there is a part of me, the small voice or gut feeling that is there all along that is being smothered with the chemistry, which recognizes all of these signs. I told him so many times that the flattery was too much. I HATE flattery normally. But HOW he made it feel different somehow is creepy, creepy, creepy. I honestly think there is a chemical component to some of these attractions. Something was “clicked” in me when I was around him that made me stupid. I think another part of it is the CONSTANT physical and sensory overload and I think that that somehow kills the SMART MESSAGES of self preservation that we would naturally get.
You also make a good point about the INSTANT BEST FRIENDS thing. I have had run-ins with women like this as well. Without a doubt, it is a ploy by Cluster B’s and sociopaths.
NEVER AGAIN.
((hugs back to ya)))
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OxDrover says:
Dear Youcanseeclearly now,
We all like to hear nice things about ourselves, and especially if we have not heard good things in a while, or are lonely, etc. and it is SUCH A HOOK, who would NOT want to be around someone who thinks we are charming, beautiful, interesting, witty, sexy? Yep, that is a great HOOK.
I fell for the big HOOK with my X-BF-P and he sank the trebble hook deep into my heart and it was very painful when he started pulling on the line to reel me in. I just thank God I got like a “flash” of what he was, suddenly, my eyes opened and I saw he was “just like” another predator-P I knew and crying like a baby, I pulled the hook out, but took me months of pain to recover.
WANTING to think the BEST about those we meet, and wanting to believe the wonderful things they say ABOUT US…gets us in trouble.
And yes, that “CHEMISTRY” is chemical, all that flattery and sexual teasing and so on LIGHTS UP OUR BRAIN CHEMICALS and falling in love and bonding is WONDERFUL—just like some kind of wonderful DRUG!!!! And we get addicted to these “feel good” internal drugs quickly. IN a good relationship they are good, but in a situation where it is a psychopath bonding us to them, it is pathological and fatal to US and our souls and sometimes our finances and even our lives.
Loving anyone–friend, lover, child, parent, etc. lets us be VULNERABLE to pain of loss when something goes wrfong. The more we love the more vulnerable we are and to a bigger loss and pain. NOT loving would “keep us safe” from pain, but it would totally get rid of any pleasure in life. So, we just have to be “careful” and “cautious” and use our good sense and learn to set boundaries and to not get “hooked” too quickly. While it is possible to have “love at first sight” that does work out, I think it is more likely to be a good relationship if it grows over TIME in a healthy way.
WAtching the red flags and distancing yourself from the FIRST sign of DISHONESTY or manipulation is the best way to help ourselves stay P-free and we still may be caught, but not I think as likely. But believe me, I have been “caught” by friends, relatives and a lover and I’m still discovering I’m not as cautious as I should be. It takes work, practice and time.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
I posted this quote on my FB page – when outing myself as having been duped by a spath yesterday – and here’s one friends comments:
ONE STEP “The great masses of the people… will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.” – Adolph Hitler
ONE STEP’S FRIEND
He was a wordsmith gotta give him that
ONE STEP
haha – when your comment showed up in my email inbox, I thought it was in response to my quote about the sociopath!
SNORT!
ONE STEP
um, the one I met – not the Hitler one.
ONE STEP’S FRIEND
ROFL! If there needs to be a distinction made, then there isn’t much of a distinction to be had.
ONE STEP
EXACTLY!
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icanseeclearlynow says:
Hi Oxy,
For me the flattery wasn’t the hook, but a sign that I ignored. You know, one of those annoying nudges you in the gut every time you hear it kind of things? I see it as my self preservation intuition sending me a message. The problem is that I didn’t listen to it. It was smothered by all the other hooks into my weaknesses.
I have a feeling it’s different for everyone and their own experience, which tactics actually hook you in and I’m fairly certain that the sociopaths KNOW who to target and WHAT to use on us that will work like a charm.
For me the hook was that he knew all the right things to say and way to act to catch me. I was an open book online with blogs and a profile that basically gave a blueprint for any skilled con man. He even told me, early on in the relationship, “I KNEW you would love me.” What he did was turn himself into the “perfect man” that he knew I would fall for.
When he contacted me I was NOT feeling lonely. I did NOT have low self esteem. I was NOT looking for a man or a relationship. I did NOT need someone to make me feel good about myself.
Quite the opposite. I was feeling energized, happy, satisfied with my life, proactive, and I was on the road to achieving goals I had set for my life. I was not OUT LOOKING for anything.
But, my need to “do good” and “see the best” and my own problem with setting boundaries was obviously still an issue that I didn’t realize had not been solved for myself. It was not causing me problems at that time in my life (although it has from time to time repeatedly cropped up in work situations and other interpersonal relations where I’d feel taken for granted or walked over or scapegoated).
So, I think it’s the sociopath’s recognition of that factor in us, the SCAPEGOAT factor and OVER ACCOUNTABILITY plus the HIGHLY EMPATHIC nature that they know they can hook us with their manipulative act.
As for the chemistry, I am convinced from my own physical experience that some kind of a pathological chemical addiction thing occurs in which they are actually FEEDING off of the prey.
I don’t know if there have been any studies done on this, but it would be very interesting.
I feel like I am recuperating from a major illness/addiction and wouldn’t a nice idyllic rehab retreat be wonderful! One with an art studio
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OxDrover says:
Dear Youcanseeclearly now,
Yep, I LIVE IN SUCH A RETREAT, COMPLETE WITH THE ART STUDIO, but it is still such a painful walk sometimes.
Yes, they know which thing to hook into and at the time my P-BF hooked into the “lonely older widow” who felt like she would spend the rest of her life now alone….I had a good marriage and when my husband died suddenly it was my foundation that crumbled, along with my self esteem, my whole world.
I didn’t set boundaries well either with folks close to me, “friends” and “family” were able to abuse and abuse me and I kept as steve’s article said “compartmenting” the problems rather than facing the BIG PICTURE and boy, did that article come at the PERFECT TIME FOR ME! Happens a lot around here I think for many of us.
Yea, I was also OVER accountable for everyone’s welfare and happiness. The world couldn’t run without me taking care of everyone’s needs, except my own.
Yes, there are some studies on the chemical changes in our brains with addictions (not just to substances) and to “love” and “bonding” and so on. Apparently Oxytocin is one of the big bonding hormones and the Ps don’t have enough RECEPTORS for it.
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eileen says:
Abour red flags – in the basic description of the sociopath profile, it says that their expressions of love and other emotions are unconvincing. I remember that. I found it hard to believe him, and I had to try and convince myself – “why would someone say that if they don’t mean it?” (why indeed, unless they’re psychopaths). There was something in the look and in the tone that wasn’t right, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. He also kept asking if I believed him, and had that happy (read: triumphant) look if I said yes.
I have another red flag…I don’t think it’s relevant to anyone, it’s probably a signpost for generic losers not just sociopaths, but I’ll mention it anyway just for a laugh! So….Did anyone have a sociopath who was too lazy to go to the bathroom and used plastic bottles instead?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oh fk. my fahter. when driving.
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eileen says:
LMAO!!! Well at least he had an excuse – driving, right??
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icanseeclearlynow says:
hi eileen,
The S I did my time with was too lazy to shake IT off after going pee, so he’d often leave a wet spot on his boxers…oh SO sexy…ICK. He is also a massive slob leaving a trail behind him wherever he goes…food, ashes, god knows what…ha it occurs to me that that echos what they do with with people’s lives….leave a trail of destruction and just keep on moving expecting everyone else to do things for them.
They are L A Z YYYYYYYY good-for-nothings.
I am soooooooooo livid right now!!!! My bellly feels like there’s a burning raging fire in it I’m so MAD!!!
I just read something that floored me. I’m glad it’s gotten me so angry. I need this. It feels RIGHT. It feels GOOD to not react defeated and really see once again while I’m in this state what a TRULY SLIMEY SADISTIC DECEITFUL PARASITE HE IS.
They really can NOT exist for a split second without being a BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRE on someone else.
I guess washroom breaks are optional when you’re a sociopath desperate for some supply!!!
GOOD RIDDANCE to bad rubbish.
URGHHHH suddenly I feel like I could run a marathon
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icanseeclearlynow says:
Oxy,
I have read you describe where you live in a few posts and it sounds lovely. I yearn right now to be in nature because of it’s healing qualities. I live in the city, but there are some beautiful parks and water. I’ve decided I’m going to make a goal to take a restorative walk and soak up some nature ASAP. It’s winter, my least favorite season, but it will do
I think of LF as my virtual retreat. I am so grateful for this site, the authors and the support of everyone here. Besides my weekly counseling session, LF is my only support in slogging through this painful mess I’m in.
one_step: I have looked for your quotes that you mentioned to me in an earlier post and I couldn’t find them. If you remember which article it was on, could you let me know the title?
Oxy, my wish for you and everyone else who has suffered, including myself (can’t forget me..I’m learning!) is that the walk becomes pain-free
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one_step_at_a_time says:
icanseeclearlynow – so I’ll paste them here. I think they illustrate the traits quite well:
“The great masses of the people… will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.” – Adolph Hitler
“Look down on me, you will see a fool. Look up at me, you will see your Lord. Look straight at me, you will see yourself.” –Charles Manson
(To his father) “I really screwed up this time.” – Jeffrey Dahmer
“Even psychopaths have emotions. Then again, maybe not.” -Richard Ramirez
I was completely swept along with my own compulsion. I don’t know how else to put it. It didn’t satisfy me completely so maybe I was thinking another one will. Maybe this one will, and the numbers started growing and growing and just got out of control, as you can see. -Jeffrey Dahmer
“I haven’t blocked out the past. I wouldn’t trade the person I am, or what I’ve done – or the people I’ve known – for anything. So I do think about it. And at times it’s a rather mellow trip to lay back and remember.” – Ted Bundy
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one_step_at_a_time says:
I have been so sick the last couple of days – spent to much time in my place over the holidays and i am toxic as all get out. ugh. blah. bleck.
some day – this too will be over.
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henry says:
My X would call to ask what was I doing and where was I at.?..never had much else to say – I remember feeling “uneasy’ about these calls because I thot he was checking up on me…but eventually the truth came out – he was making sure I wasnt close to home or coming home – he didnt want me too interrupt his online hook-up he had coming over to my house to play. Anybody need a good used mattress?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
henry: it’s make a nice midwinter country bonfire.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oops, that should be, it would make…
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henry says:
well I have replaced the couch and most other furniture he touched and left his toxic karma on but still saving for a new boxsprings and mattress – any donations will be appreciated~! When I do replace it I think I will ship it to Oxy, she is always lookin for a bargain…One Step believe me I have had some huge bonfires out here – I piled his crap up and set it on fire and did a war dance around it like Kevin Costner in Dances with wolves…..
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icanseeclearlynow says:
HEADS UP! I’ve got another mattress and boxspring for that bonfire coming!!
After I left (world’s quickest move) I went through everything that was not put into storage and threw out EVERYTHING (especially the sheets) that had his STINK on it and I’m not just talkin’ smell here. I lost so much that he destroyed in his rages, on top of the money but those things were actually a joy to kick to the curb.
I have thought about my sofa and chair set from the living room and how I spent so much time picking that out from my hard earned money. It was the second major piece of furniture after my bed that I bought on my own after my divorce and now I am broke. The thought of even having it in my home (that is when I get a home) with his taint on it, makes me kind of sick. I think I’d rather sit on cushions on the floor.
one_step – thanks for those quotes
The Hitler one is priceless and the Ted Bundy one was chilling. The ex creep was like that…oh so freaken arrogant and sadistically unremorseful…blech
I hope you had a good time getting out for a while tonight and feel better soon
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ErinBrock says:
Shoot…..a bonfire! Wow….great idea!
I just burned things in the wood stove little by little, here and there.
How magnificant it would be to light up the night sky with a bonfire!
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icanseeclearlynow says:
Yes it would EB. Yes it sure would
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pollyannanomore says:
I made him take the bed we both slept in – I am stuck with a childhood one – small! But at least I know who has slept on it and it is free of spathjuice
The ex in my life was also a great big slob – never cooked, never cleaned, would ‘shake’ in the toilet and leave spots on the floor, splashes of urine on the underside of the seat. Also would take about half an hour for number twos and would totally stink up the toilet – have no idea what he was doing in there all that time, but it was a regular pattern. He took books in with him – have never met anyone that took that long about their ‘business’ lol He never cooked, avoided going grocery shopping, wouldn’t shop for anything for the house – no pride in his living space at all – expected me to do everything. And then would say he didn’t expect me to do anything … but if I didn’t do it then it didn’t get done – crazy behaviour.
Bonfire sounds like an awesome idea to get rid of stuff – unfortunately I don’t have money to replace things and I bought them all with my money anyways – but still they all have bad memories. I have chucked holy water over everything!
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icanseeclearlynow says:
“spathjuice” YUCK! Where’s my garlic?
I ended up taking my bed. It is in storage now. It was the first and only bed in my life that is a GOOD bed that I could sleep in comfortably. I loved that bed so much. I also spent a ton of money on it so I could finally get a good night sleep. My ex husband and I always had lousy beds. Now, after the spath encounter it makes me sick to even think of sleeping on it
I’ve been with men who were not the greatest at housekeeping and some women are not either. This creep was a completely different animal. How I would describe would be BRAZENLY PIGGISH.
Around the house he did absolutely butt-f**k-all except sit around and make a mess, never shut up and cause me pain and misery. Livin the dream I was.
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ErinBrock says:
Actually…..Memorial weekend right after divorce was finalized….I had a HUGE and I mean HUGE garage sale.
At 3am, after I finished getting all the shit out of my garage and set up, I stood at the top of the driveway and looked at all the crap in front of me…..and there was NOTHING there that I missed.
Just yesterday I took all his Grandmothers silver to the thrift shop. The ladies were so shocked at how nice it all was…..polished and all……I just don’t want it around!
It was nice also, getting rid of all the christmas stuff his mother gave him when he was little…..a few orniments and the ‘family’ orniments for the 2 of us too……I pushed ‘DELETE’ on him!
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ErinBrock says:
I LOVE my bed……and i was prepared to fight to death for it!
I bought it with a bonus from my boss……it’s a hand carved italian 4 poster canapy…..I have always called it the ‘queens bed’…..(oh a bit narcissistic of me huh?)……
He knew I loved my bed and at one point that was what he said he wanted…..yeah, right…..
He also wanted my Bear rug a client gave me one christmas…..he decided it was given to both of us…….NOT!!
When I was in hospital, he yanked the bear off the wall and ripped his claws ……shoved it in a trash bag ans stashed it where he was living……I snuck in……in the middle of the night, when he wasn’t there and switched it out with a trash bag full of shrimp peelings and raw chicken wrapped inside a comforter to fill up the bag, so he wouldn’t suspect. I figured I would replace it with some other animal for him…..
Oh…..the things I’ve done……
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ErinBrock says:
There was a recent divorce case of a US Governor who had a nasty divorce…..
He seems like a real ‘winner’, affairs and all….
In the beginning of the case…..the Gov’s attorney referred to his STB ex wife as
AN ENRAGED FERRET!
I actually think that may have been a compliment…..given the outcome of their divorce!!!
Sometimes I can identify!
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pollyannanomore says:
Oh I am lolling at the bag of chicken and shrimp – not quite the animal blanket he would have been expecting! Don’t they turn nasty sometimes? Oh for a crystal ball on the wedding day to see the darkened future ahead!
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Matt says:
ErinBrock:
How did things end up on the “disposition” of S-ex’s jet ski?
Regarding that “appetizer” you created “shrimps in a blanket” (apologies to pigs in a blanket) I might add that “shrimps in a hubcap” can be a delightful “dessert” after an S has wrecked your evening. Yes, ol’ Matt dropped a few of his favorite crustaceans into the hubcaps of an S-ex boss after a dinner from hell with a client one night. No matter how fast the fucker drove, he couldn’t escape the smell. I believe the dealer dropped his trade-in price by 5 grand due to the “unusual deodirizer” he used.
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recovering says:
Just saw this quote somewhere — it is applicable on so many levels:
“Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it’s cowardice. ”
~ George Jackson
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ErinBrock says:
Matt:
And you WONDER WHY your unemployed?????
ROTFLMAO
The Jet ski…..well….have had Spath #2 and 3 on my plate…..so haven’t sent the letter yet……So no word.
Figured I’d draw it out……a bit. Maybe the attorney will get tired of dealing with ‘the two of us’????
Spath #2 & 3 (bus. relationship) this week has been interesting…..
Posted on that….but to recap…..
Got a message from him #2 (husband of #3) Last week….weird timing….since I had just heard, via email, from another bus. reltaionship he conned alerting me of #3′s arrest for pos. of stolen vehicle……rented a car and ‘forgot’ to return it…..4 MONTHS LATER…..ooopps…..my bad darling….??????WTF???
Well……I believe he may have hacked my email…..and he was booted out of a local I cafe for telling them he’s hacked their computer…..the court bailiff recieved an email from him (wierd??) inviting him to join his linked in page….???? THE COURT????
They turned it over to their security dept for investigation….they were boggled by receiving ANY email from him…..as the other bus. victim and I had communicated with this Bailiff re; legal issues on our cases needing service…..
Well…..the timing of his reappearance was odd….45 minutes after our communications (victim/court/me).
His message to me was to the effect of I’m gonna get your ass and you’ll be hearing from my attorney VERY SOON….yadayada…blah, blah…..
So, rather than responding……as I KNOW that does NO good……no verbal rebuttal needed from EB…..
I was at the courts first thing Monday am filing a garnishment Writ of execution (from judgement) on an item he had in a local shop for repair…..
Got it signed by judge and served on the shop and item SEIZED!!!!
So…..howd ya like that FUCKER!
I also have located several other things needing seizure……and I’m putting a garnishment on the cash posted for Soc #3′s felony arrest bail money…..
They will also be having company at that hearing for service of an motion for ‘discovery’ of assets….
If they dont’ show up for that…..well….. a bench warrant will be issued.
You’d think…..they would figure out how to pay me what they owe……but he is so ego headed and she is so stupid and reliant on him……that they will continue, despite court orders…..feel they have been wronged!
It would be well worth 5K cash paid on the judgement to shut me up! Since the balance was near 10K…….it’s well worth my efforts for the learning experience of the process…..
The education is ONLY costing me just shy of 5K…..
He could ‘take me out of school’ if he just paid me what he owes.
What’ll you suspect hacking into court computers will ‘buy’ him???
Ya know Matt….the offer still stands…..you and I could make a wicked team!!
The “go braugh” shrimp agency sounds perfect!!
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Matt says:
ErinBrock:
I think we should go into business together. Justice ‘R Us.
I just came back from New Year’s with a friend whose sister is a powerful wicca priestess. This woman can deliver — coronaries, job losses, bankruptcies. I had her cast one on both the S-ex and my S-ex boss. You remember that sweetheart, don’t you? The one who gave me a perfectly fine recommendation, then turned around and let her lover, who was an ex-colleague of mine, know about the job. Guess who got it?
I don’t want the bitch dead. I want her mute and paralyzed in a wheelchair. The same thing I want for S-ex. If that happened I would cheerfully got to nursing school and then become their personal nurse — just so I could jam the needle in 10 times a day!
Any suggestions you have on getting back at my S-ex boss would be greatly appreciated since I most admire your work on S#2 and S#3 so far. Based on what you’ve been seizing from them and what you’ve still got around from your S-ex, I see another yard sale in your future.
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ErinBrock says:
Matt:
Have your people call my people.
Suggestions~
Well….let me think about it…..
I’m not sure I can top a powerful wicca priestess’s work!
Let me think about it…….
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pollyannanomore says:
Far out Matt and EB – jeez Louise!!! I am t hinking of getting his quals taken from him. He seems to have conveniently forgotten he didn’t do all the papers – I did some of them for him. My only concern is it might get me into trouble too …but surely the fact I was in an abusive relationship would be a mitigating factor – advice please???? I shouldn’t need to do it – he said he was leaving for his home country in a few months, but now I hear that was a lie and he’s enrolling to do more papers – so that means he’s planning on staying. I just want him to leave. It pithes me off the thought that he’s planning on building on his fraudulent work – why should he be allowed to do that??? Although it would be difficult to prove with all texts typed on pc, all anyone would have to do is compare the two writing styles – they are miles apart.
So he’s planning on staying and rubbing his party boy lifestyle in my face for evermore. I don’t think so. Anyone else done something like this before? what are your thoughts? What penalty would he get? I don’t really want him to lose his quals, but I don’t want him to be able to study again either. I just want him to leave.
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ErinBrock says:
Polly:
What is a quals?
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pollyannanomore says:
qualifications – degree and post graduate degree
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eileen says:
Hi Polly, where did he graduate?
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eileen says:
Anyway Polly, plagiarism is not really punished these days, so I don’t think the fact that he didn’t write his papers would get him into that much trouble. Not an undergraduate level anyway. If it’s a postgrad maybe teh person in charge of the programme would like to know. But I have a feeling your S could explain it away. What would be very interesting for the university would be admin fraud, eg forged documents, falsified transcripts etc. They don’t want sociopaths in colleges, but they need something concrete. If his qualifications are from another college, I would suggest you ring that place to ask about the grades he really got…
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pollyannanomore says:
It is on several papers – all they need to do is look at the difference in writing style from what he wrote and what I wrote. Plagiarism or in this case fraud is an extremely serious academic offence here – students are routinely thrown out of colleges for it. And now he’s planning to go and do more to build on it so I think they would take it seriously. I would just worry about me getting into trouble for it although I didn’t tell him to submit verbatim what I wrote – I told him to rewrite it and add his own quotes etc. He studied both quals at the same university and in the same department.
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eileen says:
Ok then go ahead…don’t worry about being judged. I did what you consider doing and it went fine. But I know that admin fraud is easier to prove – students can’t appeal in such cases. For plagiarism they can claim that they memorised something unconsciously and regurgitated it without realising it was someone else’s prose. I know it’s mad but it happens…though at postgrad level someone caught for plagiarism might stay on the programme but would lose all credibility and their work would be checked scrupulously and rejected if found plagiarised. Funny our respective sociopaths are so similar…I think mine wanted to stay in college all his life, to give himself an excuse for his parasitic (broke student) and idle (can’t look for a job, have to study) lifestyle.
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pollyannanomore says:
What was the penalty in your case Eileeen? I don’t really want him to lose his quals but I don’t want him able to continue studying either – I just want him to go away. Re the admin fraud – what do you mean by that? That he signed a plagiarism form when submitting fraudulently because he knew it wasn’t his work? What happened in your case? >
I have never considered doing anything like this before, but I am so damned angry about this. The irony is he rubbed his qual in my face all the time – it was a slightly higher level than my honestly attained one! Grrrr
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eileen says:
He had falsified his lousy grades so that he would be accepted on the programme… when the university found out he was kicked out – oops!
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pollyannanomore says:
Oh I see! Wow that is quite an audacious thing to do – who would dare do that in this day and age>!
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eileen says:
…and when confronted he tried to explain he had falsified them…”by mistake!”…that lie didn’t get him very far!
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geminigirl says:
Matt be very careful what you wish for . Wishing illness and evil on anyone, even a spath, can badly boomerang back and hit you very hard. Dont do it, give her to God. I assure you His methods may seem to take llonger, but he knows what Hes doing. Love, Gem.
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Iwonder says:
Ok gang, now I’m starting to question if my last guy was sociopathic. Are these red flags to be concerned about?:
* 3 weeks into our relationship he told me he loved me and wanted to be exclusive.
* His dad is a sociopath…but he says his mom is not.
* Never introduced me to parents or sister.
* Never wanted to sleep over…always went home (lives with parents.)
* Went to his house only 1 time and that was when the parents were not home.
* Never called me by my name…not once since I’ve known him. Always called me “honey” which is nice but is that strange?
* Never introduced me to his friends.
* Broke up with me shortly after I lost my job. This when he told me he had put money aside to give me while I was out of work. The reason for the breakup? Said he needs too much personal space.
* Went right back on the dating site where we met the very next day after he broke up with me…went off a month later.
* Still keeps in contact with me and has come over to my place 1 a month for the past 3 months but no talk of getting back together as a couple…but wants to go bike riding in the Spring.
* He never asked for money or anything but asked if I had any equity in my condo.
Maybe I am over-evaluating things and this guy is just a not relationship material. In any event, I’m not happy and finally cut ties with him last week.
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icanseeclearlynow says:
Iwonder:
I’d say there are a lot of things on your list that could point to a possible personality disorder. It could also be he is just a user, which after my own experience now, I’m starting to wonder if that’s only a euphemism. Regardless, the most important element in everything you’ve shared is in your last line.
“I’m not happy and finally cut ties with him last week.”
Listen to your gut. It won’t steer you wrong.
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Iwonder says:
icanseeclearlynow:
Thanks for the post. For the past few months a few times when he made plans with me, when the day came, he’d not show up or call to cancel..just text me late to tell me he stayed in bed all day. I felt like either I was stringing myself along or he was stringing me. He stopped by right before Christmas and gave me a present…video games in a paper bag not even wrapped. I guess that says it all. Well, at least he didn’t get me for any money but in the beginning when we started dating last year, I saw another type of red flag. We were dating a month and he never took me to his place …it was because he didn’t have his own place. He didn’t tell me that until after we were intimate. 40 years old lives at home..but he does have a job that pays very well. . and he’s there because he’s paying off student loans. . so I excused the living at home thing.
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eileen says:
Hi I wonder, he reminds me of my sociopath a lot. My guess is that he lives with another woman. That’s the only reason why he didn’t stay over at your place.
If he does live with his parents that’s because his previous gf kicked him out upon finding he had someone else…in that case with the age the student loans and the cycling trip idea he could really be my ex!!! Noone with a good job would live at their parents’. The good job and/or the parents is a lie.
It took my sociopath a while to start taking money from me. First they gain your trust, repay what they borrow, and once they have it, bang.
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Matt says:
Iwonder:
Good to see you back online. How goes your job search?
Personally, I think you’ve got an S on your hands? What is the real give away for me? While you’ve got an awful lot of red flags waving, it is the “garaging” of you that is the tip off for me. His wanting to keep you on back burner. That is classic cluster-B, sociopath behavior. My S-ex never disengaged completely from his exes. It drove me crazy. I’m not saying that you have to hate your exes, but to keep them around and have contact with them is not only destructive to a current relationship, but also a sign that he is playing with a person from his past, in this case you.
You dodged a bullet, girl. Count your blessings.
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