(And I know you wouldn’t take off with Jr….as tempting as it may be).

Now…..that all said. I think it would be different if the kids were 2,4, 5 years old…….
Abuse on a mothers child will sure bring out the bear in her!!!! A mother will do ANYTHING to protect her children…..it’s just innate.

Your Jr is older though……let him have his ‘relationshit’ with his father…….it’s either now or later. Now is good. He won’t have any questions like …….what if’s.

Keep prudent…..Keep a watchful eye and keep gardening in jr’s flower bed!!

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I have been encouraging son to spend lots of time with his friends, they are in marching band together and a good group of kids. Some of his peers are good role models and my oldest daughter’s boyfriend is a good role model. Unfortunately my dad is a narcissist, pretty textbook in my opinion.

Your story about the man giving his son a conflicting message is putting the son in a double bind. There is no solution. This is where some cluster b’s originate because the child will develp a ‘false self’. It usually occurs at a young age so at least my son is probably free of a personality disorder because I primarily raised him and I saw no signs of one, but he is still very conflicted. Not to say I was or are a perfect mom but I am a better parent than the spath.

Son is due for his physical and I am going to make sure the doctor checks him out fully.

The woman I met in my support group last night had a similar situation to mine, hers was 10 years ago and she is divorced from the spath. Her couselor told her off the record, “My advice to you would be to take the kids and go to Brazil.” The spath had too much influence with her kids, sometimes it does seem like moving far away from the spath would solve so many problems. No doubt that the spath would file charges and I would never be able to come home.

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A told me that he was attracted to his wife because he could manipulate her easily. Really don’t know why he told me this, but people (even spaths) spill their guts to me all the time – it’s like they can’t help it.

Anyway, later, he told me that his son has seen him manipulate his wife and is now doing it too. He said he had to spank him for the first time because of this behavior. Frankly, I’ve seen it too. He is their only child born when they were in their fifties, so they spoil him. Things are not looking good for this beautiful and adorable child’s future…

Anyway, I didn’t think of it at the time, but later realized that the spanking created a serious dichotomy in this child. He was humiliated for imitating his role model, dad. The child naturally wants to be like this man. The man is a househusband and the main caregiver. and a manipulator.

So, in your son’s case, he is also in a bad situation. He naturally looks to his father as a role model. But it’s an evil role model so, what can he do? He will experience immense shame if he continues to want to be like his shameless father.

The only thing I can think of is to very quickly, find new role models to expose him to. Do it covertly, of course. Hopefully, his intellect will allow him to discern what is a more successful role model to bond with.

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Just keep an eye out for him….take notes and document your observations. Talk to him (in general terms) about sexual abuse and any other abuse and that you are ALWAYS there to talk to ….you’ve got his back…..and make certain you repeat it often and that he KNOWS it! When kids feel safe…..they talk.
I still talk to my kids about a ‘plan B’ (me) if they need it/anything…..i’ve got thier backs……reinforce it all the time! When they feel overwhelmed in a situation……they open up….(usually on a drive) .
The other day Jr opened up about somehting and I offered advice to him……and he ‘got it’ all on his own…..and was disgusted by his gf’s mothers behavior. (she was setting him up as a witness in a lawsuit and jr didn’t even know that was what she was doing!). But he came to the conclusion all on his own. We like to do that…..be the ones to figure it out for ourselves…..human nature! Just plant the seeds…….he’ll get it.
The experiences I guess are all chalked up to building character…..we all have to go through hardships to get there!
Whatever it is we experience in life……it get’s us to our ‘todays’. We must plow through the pain and the processesing.

Not to be a buzzkil…….Keep in mind also….once the divorce is granted….it’s still not over…..the cleanup seems to take longer that the divorce process. Along with a different set of emotions on that journey!
Get all your ducks in order…..car titles, deeds, bank accounts, insurance policies etc……and if there is ANYTHING HE MUST SIGN due to court order…..GET IT DONE IN COURT THAT DAY!!!! Makes life so much easier…..and cheaper…..cuz you won’t need your attorney involved in the ‘cleanup’.

Keep standing tall girl!!! You’ve come sooooo far!!!

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Sweetie, yes you DO have a back bone and you found it and I am so proud of you, and I know that your daughter must be as well!

I know it is difficult to see your son having a difficult time emotionally, and he most probably is in denial about his dad…he would have to be and if there were no abnormal responses to this, it wouldn’t be normal. I so hope and pray that he is not being abused, and I suggest that next time (if any) he tallks about his bottom being sore you take him to the doctor and have him examined. He might just have hemmies (even teenagers have them sometimes) and at least that might allay your fears and his pain as there is medication to make them feel better. It might also give your doctor a chance to talk to him.

Glad that the divorce part is winding down and hope that it is finally settled where you can get on with your life.

I played my share of solitaire as well….LOL (((hugs))) and I am so proud of you! Your posture looks so good! Back bones do that for us!

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Go figure, who knew I had a backbone:) It’s still a struggle at times, but sooooo much better.

Daughter is doing great! She is so healthy, I know that she is going to have some really good boundaries when she starts college next year. She blocked spath from her phone and told him he was a poor excuse for a human being. Yay daughter! She doesn’t even call him dad and hasn’t for awhile. She was pretty frustrated with me too, I’m glad I didn’t let her down and got a clue.

With my son, I am totally worried. Some of his behaviors are changing, especially after he comes home from spath visits. I am really concerned about sexual abuse and anything he says triggers that worry. Yesterday he said his butt hurt (he said he probably slept wrong) and he was distant and had a hard time organizing his backpack and he has a sort of blank look on his face. It’s like he is somewhere inside and I can’t reach him. He is in denial about his dad and I’m sure it’s messed him up. He was always my sensitive child. He would cry when the humaine society commercials came on and showed an abused animal.

I try not to get too anxious about it. I have to wait and just keep being open and talking about healthy behaviors. Only one in twelve sexually abused children/teens tell someone about the abuse.

Spath is sneaky and really sick, I guess he would be capable of anything. I learned not to underestimate him. Oxy, he has got to be the sneakiest, most manipulative person I have ever met. He doesn’t even need to pause and think about what he says and he has an incredible grasp of the english language.

Things have settled down and we are at an agreement with the divorce, we just need to get the financial numbers and send in the papers. I edited my information today and will mail out the revision tomorrow.

I want to be someone my kids can be proud of. Sometimes I play too much solitaire but I feel better when I am getting things done.

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I can’t belieeeeeve that creep is still trying the “I miss you so much” carp on you!!!! LOL He just WILL NOT give up will he? ROTFLMAO He has more balls than a tennis team!

How are things going with Junior? Your daughter? I hope they have settled down a bit, though I am sure that X keeps as much drama going as he can with your son.

You are doing a good job! I’m really proud of how far you have come! You are a stronger woman than you thought you were! I’m glad to see that strength unfold! (((hugs)))

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Could I whip the pony tail in his face? Great idea! If I give him any sense that I am glad to see him he’ll start in on the “I miss you so much” business. He will use ANY opening. I just say “thanks” and walk away.

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