How psychopaths manipulate their victims
PDF Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
eb92044 says:
trimama:
Yeah, it’s tough to do for women. We release oxytocin when we are with men. Why don’t the stupid men release this chemical??
(Report abusive comment)
aussiegirl says:
FightAnotherDay -
I am with moveingon, candy and Skylar.
Take out: “Additionally, it has been my experience that Jr. would rather stay home with me. This is clear from the way he cries and latches on to me during recent exchanges.” and “He is adjusting well and seems happy to be there. ”
No emotion. NONE. It just gives then something to play with. As Sky would say (at least I think it’s Sky – maybe it’s onejoy? Now I’m feeling old and confused…anyhow, whoever it is -)
PLEASE DON’T FEED THE SPATHS!
(Report abusive comment)
aussiegirl says:
eb92044 _
” it’s tough to do for women. We release oxytocin when we are with men. Why don’t the stupid men release this chemical?? ”
But they DO! It’s the right balance of oxytocin and dopamine that KEEP people bonded to one another – not JUST oxytocin during/after sex.
While women’s bodies do have a few more and different USES for oxytocin (breast-feeding, labour, etc.), men’s bodies also release this hormone (sometimes called the “cuddle hormone”) that helps to keep them “mated” with one person.
Dopamine is really important because too much or too little can cause all kinds of problems (in both men and women), including sexual addictions and perversions, where “normal” sexual relations just don’t do the trick anymore. It’s a bit like drugs or gambling, where the hit or the risk needs to be increasingly greater in order to get the same rush; it’s not so much about the money with gambling, as the “high” of the win.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
eb, men also have oxytocin release during and after sex. But on average women release more of the hormone than men. And I woul say women who are deeply affectionate in personality will have the most effect of it.
But healthy men too have oxytocin release and bond.
It’s the spaths brain where there is something wrong with the brain receptors for oxytocin. They can’t bond. Not to anyone.
(Report abusive comment)
DUPED_IN_SOCAL says:
darwinsmom:
you said:
It’s the spaths brain where there is something wrong with the brain receptors for oxytocin. They can’t bond. Not to anyone.
I believe this is true. There were very serious and detrimental issues in our relationship the whole time we knew one another, until I threw him away, and not one time was there ANY compassion. Oh sure, there was that ‘narcissistic’ ‘psuedo’ compassion but as time went on, whatever caring was there eroded away and I began to see the REAL PERSON I was dealing with.
I think it took having my life laid on the line, by him, to really open my eyes, and even then it was difficult to ascertain the truth from all the lies. The only thing that really helped me was getting him away from me and keeping him away from me, before I finally opened my eyes and started to see SOMETHING. Before I started to live FOR MYSELF. First time in almost five years, it isn’t 24/7 all about him. I am telling you, it was like I was being held captive but not physically, with chains, or locked away somewhere – I was locked away inside my own mind. Emotionally and mentally. His control of me was overwhelming. It was all done mentally and emotionally.
A lot of ‘betrayal bond’ issues. Instead of my being a seperate entity from him, I became his obsession and possession. He felt he had the right to dictate my life to me and like the good little, mind controlled FREAK I was, I followed right along because I was after the acceptance and the affection. That is where this horrid existence we have been living comes from…THEM. Let’s call it ‘combat stress’.
Let’s color it or liken it to a person drowning in the ocean – you go to help them and rescue them and they take you down while you try to rescue them. You drown and they float on top of your dead body, with no remorse nor conscious. They control us literally, with whatever it takes and tell us every beautiful thing we want to hear. They base their treatment of us on their perception of what we want or desire in our life and they facade that until they have us controlled. That’s why when the ‘end’ comes, it is usually sudden. Because they never truly cared in the first place. That’s why when the shock of the experience finally starts to truly sink in, we end up in the spots we are now in, emotionally and psycologically.
Like their change is up to them, OUR change is up to us.
We can continue to live this way with them or without, with our issues and them still controlling us or we can stand up and refuse.
Just because you may be in a state of NC does not mean that person is not on your mind 24/7. Pay attention! When it gets to be like that, SEEK COUNSELING! It isn’t something you can get over by yourself. Trust me.
Refusal is what I am in the midst of; no, let me rephrase that:
refusal is what I did on May Day and what I will always continue to do. Their behavior is unacceptable. Period. No explaining or education or awareness can change that: they did the actions, sick or not, and they are responsible for their own actions. Just like WE are responsible for ours. That is the way our society is set up. There are consequences for our actions.
The same holds true for all of us.
Sure, we have been damaged, injured, in severe, horrible ways,
but WE HAVE A CHOICE TOO! We can choose to live with the ruminations and hell they have poured on us OR we can choose to turn our heads and walk away and make OUR LIVES better because of the horrible, ugly experience. Once I make it through that ‘ring of fire’, I am not going back. It has been too difficult to get over this and I am not going through it again. With nobody.
When I saw Donna’s show on television, I was absolutey STUNNED.
I could not believe what I was seeing. Her story is somewhat similar to mine, although I never lost any great sums of money. In my circumstance, it was more about his controlling me and the sex. While the whole time I thought he loved me, I was being used and deceived and then when he was finished with me, tried to kill me and left with mean ness and spitefulness, which was never called for, with me.
The only reason he comes around now, or did, until I told him no more, was because he was being nosey and wanted to know if I was going to press charges on him or not. He wanted to ‘swoon’ me which unfortunately for him, just didn’t work. He KNOWS he is in A LOT OF trouble, legally, from the things he has done to me. I am aware (completely) of my rights and because of my legal background, can adequately ascertain the issues surrounding such legalities. HE KNOWS THIS.
No. It’s an extreme sickness and until THEY decide to do something about it, nobody else can help them. And anyone who gets sucked into their storm will gain a secondary kind of pstd and narcississim for themselves, just by the mere association. It’s true. No matter how we may want, wish and pray that it weren’t, it is. And, the sooner we accept that, the better off we are going to be.
When I think of the ‘bond’ and ‘emotional’ aspect of our relationship, at once, I also remember that he has tried to kill me, while the whole time, telling me he loved me. I remember all the ugly and horrid things that surrounded him, inside and out, and it convinces my heart to stop weeping.
Think about it.
DUPED
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
aussiegirl:
I thought I remember reading that men do not produce oxytocin during/after sex? Oh, well…thanks for clearing that up for me!
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Some stuff about oxytocin. You probably read that male voles are not effected by oxytocin… but human men aren’t voles.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin
http://scienceblogs.com/neurot.....r_boys.php
http://scienceblogs.com/neurot.....lecule.php
The last article had an interesting twist. Oxytocine has influence in how much we trust people, even if they appear facially neutral… rings a bell?
(Report abusive comment)
FightAnotherDay says:
Hi all,
My response was.
“Adhering to the agreement is in Jr’s best interest”
To which, Jerkface replied:
“FAD,
That would be what is in your best interest. Jr.’s best interest would be to see his parents equally, 50/50. I will be seeing you back in court soon.
Jerkface”
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
One particularly on the levels measured in men
http://scienceblogs.com/neurot.....ocin_1.php
the basics
http://scienceblogs.com/neurot.....he_bas.php
The female counterpart in men is thought to be vasopressin:
http://www.vasopressin.com/marital-harmony.html
http://thenewviewonsex.blogspo.....f-two.html
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
More on vasopressin
http://www.thefashionablehouse.....-receptor/
the allele receptor difference explained in laymen speak
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
Fad – just wrote a whole load of stuff and lost it. Brilliant. You gave him nothing to feed off in your email so now he throws his toy out of the pram and threatens you with court. Please think carefully if you intend to respond to his email (personally I would not even acknowledge it cos he’s only having a go at you).
Junior’s best interests? Huh!! You know I feel so sorry for the kids in this situation because spath just uses them as pawns – sickos.
Juniors best interests……well if spath wasn’t such a SPATH, he could start being a father!
So pleased that you ‘stood up to him’ with your brief email and WON this ’round.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
he lost control, fad… well done!
(Report abusive comment)
moveingon says:
FAD – do not respond, it is empty threats to goad you. No contact, no ammunition.
Take care of you and jr.
(Report abusive comment)
FightAnotherDay says:
Thank you for your praise and support : )
I need it.
Especially after this one…
I am simultaneously being harassed with this:
FAD,
I did not want to make a big deal at the doctor’s today because Jr. was there, but I have some concerns. When I took Jr. to the doctors on Wednesday for the bump on his head, the doctor informed me that you brought him in at previous time to see them. You stated that Jr. said to you that I hit him when he goes poop in his pants. First off, Jr. has never pooped in his pants when he has been in my care. Secondly, I never hit him when he has peed in his pants. If he has an accident, I sit him down and have a talk with him. I do not appreciate you making false allegations against me. Just like you said in your email dated February 14, 2011, “It is best that you stop making false allegations to better the parental relationship between you and I for Jr.’s sake.” This stuff needs to stop. It seems that you are continuing to not try and foster a loving relationship between Jr. and I, and to do everything in your power to make me look like a bad father. You can not take everything a 3 year old says as the truth. He is 3, you can ask him a question and one minute he says one thing and the next its a different answer.
I do not appreciate you taking Jr. to the doctor’s without my knowledge, or staying behind after I leave. Back in February we had a discussion about us both being at all of his appointments, you especially stated this, and now you go behind my back and take him and make these allegations without me present. I spoke with the doctors on Wednesday, I obviously told them this was not true, as they said they already new that.
I also wanted to bring up you taping Jr.’s doctors appointments…this is insane especially since this is his doctors appointment, and as I do not consent. For the record, you can not hear on a tape recording if someone is laughing, especially if it is under their breath. You would need a video camera for that.
I am not sure if you are aware, or if it is something that bothers you…but Jr. loves us both the same, and loves being with us both just as much. I never talk bad about you to Jr. or in front of him. I always make sure to talk only positive and nice things about you to him. You are his mother, just like I am his father. Jr. should not be put in the middle, or be brainwashed in anyway to make the other parent be shown in a negative light. This will be detrimental to him, and have very bad effects down the road. We need to think about Jr. and do what is best for him. It would be easier on everyone, especially Jr., if we could get along, as we will be in each others life for a very long time.
Jerkface
To which I replied:
Jerkface,
I have never taken Jr. to the Doctor’s office without your knowing. Nor did I make allegations you of spanking him, or imply that he had pooped his pants.
I called the office with some potty-training questions, and only mentioned that Jr. says that you spank him when he pees his pants. I insisted that Jr. had told me this, but I had no way of knowing it was true.
If you had brought this up at the Doctor’s office the Doctor could have confirmed this.
FAD
And so…
FAD,
The doctor would have confirmed what? That you were only calling the doctor’s office about potty training questions and then randomly told them that Jr. says I spank him when he pees his pants? The doctor originally brought up the issue of the allegation against me when we first met on Wednesday, which means she confirmed that you made an allegation against me that I indeed done so. As far as I know, Jr. did not call the doctor and tell him that himself. He is only 3 years of age. Therefore, it is an allegation because you took what he “supposedly” said and relayed that message to the doctor’s office during a potty training Q&A on the phone with them. If you were so insistent on knowing the truth, you should have come out and asked me. Rather than relaying it to a third party first. Once again, poor parenting at its best! There needs to be way more communication on your part regarding Jr. if we both want to successfully co-parent him from here on out. I would thus appreciate you asking me any questions or concerns you have regarding these sorts of matters before nonchalantly telling a health care provider, etc.
Jerkface
Hopefully my response gives you a good look at what REALLY happened.
The divorce is settled, along with custody which is a good thing, so it will be a while before I actually wind up in court. It his attorney even considers it. AND I won’t have the bone-head Judge we had.
However, I worry (even though I shouldn’t) that my unresponsiveness will be seen as uncooperative. You and I know I don’t respond because much of his “co-parenting” is baiting. I NEVER tell him when/if I am having problems with Jr. as he would say one thing and then do another to intentionally upset the apple cart. Continuing to put Jr. in the middle.
We all know that HE IS brainwashing Jr.
Examples to date are telling me that Jr. told him another child was grabbing his balls and getting Jr. to perpetuate his own lies.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
FAD – have you tired using our family wizard for communicating with jerkface?
http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/
(Report abusive comment)
FightAnotherDay says:
One/joy
I asked my attorney to push it through with the Law Guardian, I guess she didn’t think it was necessary.
It would be nice.
As it is, our agreement states he is not suppose to be communicating to me EXCEPT regarding Jr. in a Journal (which HE never writes in and his wife only makes brief statements in.)
I already knew I did NOT have to respond to this threat. No response is required.
(Report abusive comment)
moveingon says:
FAD – if everything is settled and he wants to change the court order then he has to apply to court. This is tit for tat and meaningless, and a waste of your energy. So Jr pooped his pants all children do that, by continuing the war of words will only mean Jr is interrogated when visiting his father.
Call time, stop communicating, keep any emails sent to you, I know this is hard but he keeps pushing your buttons and he is getting a response, you need to try and stop. Reading his emails to you is him just sounding off. Try and look to the future, I have a 16 year old son (no contact with spath for 6 years), my son is a young man doing great. Jerkface will hopefully get bored, just grit your teeth and ignore.
Take care.
(Report abusive comment)
candy says:
FAD – whilst I see there is a need for some sort of communication I suggest you keep it minimal ie boring. For instance ….his email…..it’s all about HIM. It’s not really about Jr. Or am i missing something. It’s all about HIS image.
He is questioning what YOU do – well hell, you know YOU DO A GREAT JOB.
He wants you to consult him…well excuse ME. I don’t think so. IF your child tells you that he’s been smacked then LISTEN TO HIM.
So….in response to the email how about a one-liner ie
‘Adhering to the agreement is in Jr’s best interest -see you in court.’
Tell your solicitor that spath is baiting you, and get it recorded that you will only respond to spath with minimal contact.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
FAD – if you are only supposed to be communicating via a journal – you have to stop communicating any other way. right?
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
darwinsmom:
Thanks for the articles on oxytocin. I have some good reading to do!
(Report abusive comment)
FightAnotherDay says:
One/joy,
Yes. More often I will reply to his e-mails in the journal.
On occasion, and in this case, I replied via e-mail.
I just wanted to get it done with. I know if I don’t it will weigh on me, and the journal isn’t going back to him till June 1. So it would be days of me thinking on my reply and wondering about his response.
CANDY,
That’s right! I AM doing a great job!
Just have to get better about ignoring and keeping it short and sweet.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
I agree, FAD, quit communicating except through the journal and only about IMPORTANT THINGS…if necessary, you migth just e mail him that “Jerkface, we are supposed to communicate only through the journal, and I think that is the way we should do it, so in the future, please communicate your concerns via the journal.
(also, you know to keep a xerox copy of the journal JUST IN CASE IT “ACCIDENTLY” GETS LOST…..)
Interesting point that Jerkface doesn’t write in it but his wife does…..that might be brought up later in court if he does jerk you back to court…but I wouldn’t respond to that “threat” let him have you served before you worry about it.
Hang on darling! I know it MUST BE FRUSTRATING enough to make you want to pull your hair out! ((((hugs))))
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
FAD,
I’m borrowing the skillet and I’m gonna boink you for not using the journal. Oxy, pass the skillet please!
Your emotions should NOT be what you use to make decisions. Just because you think your emotions will bother you for 3 days, is not a reason to make your life worse in the future. If you are not abiding by the agreement to only use the journal, then you are setting a precedence, showing a capriciousness that you will abide with the agreement when it suits you and not when it doesn’t. YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
If it helps you can try to do some visualization. When Jerk contacts you, imagine him in a diaper, sucking on a binky typing up the emails. During this typing session he poops his diaper as he gets himself worked up in a rage. He just sits in his poop and doesn’t even notice.
Now, imagine yourself. You are the adult professional, filled with sage wisdom and see the baby for what it is: an infant, acting out and pooping it’s pants. That infant has a new mother (his new gf) and his diaper is not your responsibility, so you remove yourself from the odor. It’s all you are required to do. You also have the responsibilty to write in the journal, so you will do so. You will NOT respond to anything that is not in the journal. But, in the journal you will make a note that you did receive an email from Jerkface and that you can’t, unfortunately respond to it because it isn’t in the journal, per the agreement.
FAD, if you keep visualizing him as a baby in a soiled diaper, then his words will take on a new meaning. The real meaning is that he wants attention and drama. There is no other meaning.
If anyone questions why you adhere so vehmently to the rules, simply respond that you’ve found him to be extremely manipulitive in the past and prefer to take that power away from him.
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
skylar:
I love that part about visualizing him as a baby in a soiled diaper! That helped me instantly…getting that vision in my head about my X spath and the OW…this is going to help me tremendously! Sometimes it’s the small things…
(Report abusive comment)
FightAnotherDay says:
I know, I know, I know.
However, correcting this issue is not SO simple as we have been using e-mail liberally throughout the 2 year long, legal process, only to have it finalized at the end of March.
It is habit for each of us.
Even in the beginning of April, I thought it was hypocritical for me to tell him not to contact me that way, but I DO think it best that I be consistent in setting an example and only using the Journal myself.
Then, if he asks why I don’t respond to his e-mails I can point him to the agreement.
Sound good?
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
FAD,
yes, point this out IN THE JOURNAL.
Make it YOUR habit.
I have a concern though. Is this a paper journal? What’s to stop him from ripping out pages? Are there copies? He can always say “the dog ate it.” I’m confused.
(Report abusive comment)
FightAnotherDay says:
I photograph every page before It goes out.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Good job FAD!
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
FAD I hope you have SAVED all emails, yours AND HIS…..for additional evidence if needed.
Gotta make a hospital run so catch you guys later. (((hugs))) Oxy
(Report abusive comment)
aussiegirl says:
FAD –
I’m with one/joy_step_at_a_time (and Ox and Sky)
“if you are only supposed to be communicating via a journal – you have to stop communicating any other way. right? ”
This applies to if you point out to him that it is court-ordered that ONLY the journal be used – USE THE JOURNAL TO SAY THIS!!!!! (as my wise friends have already said)
DON’T REPLY in the journal to EMAILS – he is NOT supposed to be sending them, and NEITHER ARE YOU.
DO print them out and keep copies – set up a separate file (sounds like you might have already done so) and keep everything in chronological order. Photocopy (or photograph) EVERY journal entry – yours AND his and file the copies with the email copies. You never know when you may need evidence.
DON’T make yourself look just as bad as he does by responding by email – you can hardly complain to the court at some later stage that “he broke the rules” if you are also breaking them.
My brother had a journal that went back and forth with his two kids to his ex-wife. I begged him to copy the pages every time (she was very manipulative and a liar in court) but he took a casual attitude, telling me that “if he needed it, the evidence was all there in the journal…he would just take it to court with him if he needed to”. Guess what? When it got to that point (as it usually does with these people), the journal came back to him with all of incriminating pages ripped out. He was never able to prove any of the wicked things she said and threatened.
Don’t take this lightly. I know it’s a pain but let’s face it, it HAS to be better than living with him, right? Copy them, file them, put the file away where it doesn’t hit you in the face every day.
Just like insurance…
(Report abusive comment)