When I first was released from the relationship that was killing me, I felt lost, frightened, alone. I needed to focus my attention on something bigger than me, something beyond the despair of having being abused. I needed to connect to people who didn’t know me, didn’t know my story, didn’t know about the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and took the death part way too seriously, and so, I decided to volunteer. I thought, if I can give while I feel so impoverished, I will be reminding myself that I am not as “useless” as I feel.

And it worked. Once a week, I joined a group of women and men at the church down the street from where I was living to make sandwiches for street people. In the act of giving back I received the gift of feeling valued.

You must not disappoint me.

You must not inconvenience me.

You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.

You must, at all times, accommodate me.

You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.

You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.

You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.

You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.

You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.

You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.

You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.

You must never oppose or defy me.

Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Martha.

I have a 33-year old adult stepson who I believe is sociopathic – he fits all the criteria. He has been a problem to the family ever since his mother threw him out to our house at the age of 13. By that time he was so oppositional there was no dealing with him in any reasonable way. We went through all the “standard” teenage issues with him – petty crime, running away, repeating years in school, counseling, adolescent psych facility, military school till we ran out of money, etc.

Love is huge topic that spans every other issue that we have discussed so far, and ones we have not touched yet. But for our purposes – to talk about our next steps in healing from traumatic relationships – we have to narrow it down.

This article will discuss the most basic and important element of love — how we love ourselves. We will look at how we our relationships with ourselves are changing. And how that is affecting what other people mean to us

What we think of ourselves

Years ago, when I was involved with a New Age bookstore, I ran into lots of programs that taught positive affirmations. That is, repeating phrases about how lovable we are, how successful we are, how loved we are by the universe, as a form of self-hypnosis. The idea was that we would eventually believe it. And believing it would change our lives.

Lovefraud author Steve Becker, LCSW, was interviewed on Internet radio recently on the topic of narcissists. He explains the primary indicators that someone may have narcissistic personality disorder, and the destructive ways in which narcissists treat their partners.

The discussion is very informative. To listen to the interview, click the link below. Note: The horizontal purple bar under the headline is the audio feed indicator. There’s an arrow, barely visible, on the left end of the bar. Click the arrow to listen to the program.

Steve Becker, LCSW: It’s [not] all in your mind, dear

A paper recently published in the Journal of Zoology says that great white sharks hunt in a highly focused fashion, just like serial killers.

According to a report on ScienceDaily.com, the researchers used geographic profiling—a criminal investigation tool used to find serial killers based on the locations of their crimes—to examine how the hunting patters of great white sharks off the coast of South Africa.

Sharks establish well-defined hunting bases in strategic locations. The researchers noticed that smaller sharks searched further, and had less success, than larger sharks. They surmised that great white sharks refined their search patterns with experience, and concentrated their hunting in locations with the highest probability of success.

For more information on the study, read Geographic profiling works: Great white sharks’ hunting skills as refined as Jack the Ripper’s.

Two books about sociopaths could be on your reading list this summer. One of them, already out, is by the “Queen of the Best Sellers,” Danielle Steel. In her 108th book, Matters of the Heart, the main character, an accomplished female photographer named Hope Dunne, meets a man who seems to be too good to be true. He is. The guy is a sociopath.

Read an excerpt of Matters of the Heart here.

The author was interviewed last week on Good Morning America. Although I’ve never read any of Danielle Steel’s books, I did like the fact that when she described sociopathic behavior in the interview, she got it right.

“Sociopaths are interesting because one of the things they do is something called mirroring,” she said. “They suss out what it is that is your dream in life and what you really want and need, and then they become that.” Amen, sister!

I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.
– Frederic Nietzsche

In recovering from a sociopathic relationship, one of our greatest challenges is to rediscover the meaning of trust. Trust is a kind of glue in our lives. If we are going to be vibrant human beings, living with healthy curiosity and developing ourselves through calculated risks and learning from our experiences, we have to be able to depend on some background truths. When our lives are rocked by unexpected disaster, the impact on our ability to trust our perceptions or our world around us can be massive.

This issue comes up over and over on LoveFraud. We hear it most clearly from the people in early recovery. But it’s an issue at every stage of healing, including the process of forgiving discussed in the last article.

Lovefraud has recently been contacted by a television production company that is preparing a documentary about female bigamists for TLC, home of shows such as Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

If you’re a guy who’s been involved with a female bigamist, and you’d like to participate in the show, please e-mail donna@lovefraud.com

UPDATE July 1, 2009: Production is on hold for the time being.

This week I want to reach out to all of you who feel that you can no longer trust people. Imagine a world where your worst fears have come true, a world where everyone over the age of 15 is a sociopath. What would it be like to live in that world?
If you only read one book this summer, I strongly urge you to read Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex Among Apes by Frans de Waal. I have said before that I think the social-brain of sociopaths is similar to that of chimps. Now having read that book I am even more convinced.

Chimpanzee Politics is the true life story of the relationships between individuals of the Arnhem Chimp Colony. Scientists carefully observed, photographed, filmed and recorded every interaction between troop members over several years. I don’t want to give away the story, because it is shocking, and you should read it for yourself. The chimps’ story is presented as a very readable narrative that brings to life all of their individual personalities.