Editor’s note: The Lovefraud author Eleanor Cowan wants to educate survivors of narcissistic abuse into recognizing how their own actions may contribute to their misery. This is the fourth article in her collection of true stories called, “Impactful Stories for Stubborn Codependents,” and highlights the pain of family estrangement. Eleanor’s biographical book is called, “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife.” Ending the Long Game By Eleanor Cowan Sori answered the call on a sunny summer day, steps away from reaching the summit of Mount Royal. “Hey, Mom. How would you like to fly in and look after your fabulous grandkids while Heidi and I do a business trip for ten days?” “I’d adore …
The sociopath’s isolation campaign: Keeping you from the people you love
UPDATED FOR 2026. No matter what they may say to you, what sociopaths really want is to control you. One of their methods of control is the isolation campaign — keeping you from the people you love. But from their flowery words in the beginning, you'd never know it. “I never loved anyone like I love you,” the sociopath says, looking deep into your eyes. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we're so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn't be together, but they're just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It's you and me against the world, kid!” In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They pro …
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Staying too long with a disordered husband
Editor’s note: The Lovefraud author Eleanor Cowan wants to educate survivors of narcissistic abuse into recognizing how their own actions may contribute to their misery. This is the third article in her collection of true stories called, “Impactful Stories for Stubborn Codependents.” Eleanor’s biographical book is called, “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife.” One Loose Thread How could a single loose thread be this strong, Kay wondered, giving up on pulling it from the sheet that was covering Sori. Noticing its imprint on her finger, she let go. “I still remember how it felt, after all these years,” she whispered. Kay spoke to her friend now, inert on the gurney. “I’m not going to ask w …
8 reasons why we can’t see what’s wrong with the sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2026. When we realize we've been involved with a sociopath, it means we've started to uncover the truth about this person — usually the hard way. So why can't we see what's wrong with the sociopath right away? I once wrote an article entitled, Why falling for a romance scam doesn’t mean you’re stupid. I related several stories of people who thought they were in romantic relationships, but everything their so-called partners told them was a lie. One woman lost $100,000. Another lost her life. In response to the article, I received the following comment from a reader: I’ve figured out that the common denominator with all these love scams, is lack of SELF love! Why are t …
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Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths
UPDATED FOR 2026. Invariably, once we realize we've been conned by a psychopath, this person has lied to us from the very beginning, and we fell for all of it, we ask why? Why did we believe? Why did we trust? The short answer is that we did what we, as social animals, are biologically designed to do. Human beings have evolved over millennia to live in community, and trust is the glue that holds us together. I read The Moral Molecule — the source of love and prosperity, by Paul J. Zak. Zak spent 10 years researching a brain chemical called oxytocin and its role in human behavior. He says oxytocin inspires trust; trust is connected to morality; and morality is connected to the …
The narcissist’s forever war: Serial litigation
By Joanie Bentz, M.Ed., LBS, CCBP Recently, I have been working with a female client, “Elena,” whose long-time “friend” is pursuing her through the legal system in continual, calculated serial litigation. Elena and “Julia” were friends since childhood. They shared the same interests. Elena was easygoing, and Julia was quirky and frequently moody. Eventually, when Elena was happy with her life and working in a field she enjoyed, Julia began to pull away. She didn’t call as much and didn’t share information as before. Elena noticed — it was not a dramatic falling out, but a gradual shift in the relationship. Julia seemed to be unhappy that Elena was happy. Julia ignore …
Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’
UPDATED FOR 2026. Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment and get over that amazing 'chemistry'? For example, Lovefraud received the following letter: I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart. My question is, how do you get over …
Be judgmental when you choose a romantic partner
Society is always telling us not to be judgmental. We should let people express themselves and accept them for who they are. This is fine with people we encounter in stores, at work or in the community. It is not fine in dating. As you look for love, you absolutely must be judgmental when you choose a romantic partner. You especially need your judgment to avoid the 12% of the population who are sociopaths. These people make terrible partners. They do not have the ability to authentically love, but they are really good at faking it. That’s why it’s so important to look carefully any potential suitor, especially if the person is rushing the relationship or you’re feeling doubts. I, …
9 Questions to help you discern if your caring, helpful partner is faking it
UPDATED FOR 2026. She makes you drinks and home-cooked meals. He cuts your lawn and fixes your car. Your new romantic interest just can't seem to do enough for you. You never felt so cared for. It must be love! Maybe it is. Or maybe it's a sociopath who is trying to soften you up for later exploitation. I've often written on Lovefraud that sociopaths do not have the ability to be caregivers. Many readers find this confusing — the sociopath they know was always doing things for them. So let me explain. First, some background. Three components of romantic love The core of sociopathic personality disorders is an inability to authentically love. What, exactly does this m …
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Will you complete a survey on toxic and deceptive relationships?
A psychologist and university researcher is seeking people to participate in a survey on toxic and deceptive relationships. His study called, Understanding toxic breakups: Creating a recovery source. The researcher is from Gitam University in India, which was inspired by the ideals of Mahatma Gandi. The research is being conducted in English. Here is the announcement. Call for survey participants Dear Lovefraud Community, We are reaching out to gather vital insights on the reality of toxic and deceptive relationships. While this research focuses on the experiences of young adults, the wisdom of this community is invaluable in helping us understand these patterns. We are s …
Will you complete a survey on toxic and deceptive relationships?Read More