Editor’s note: This comment was posted by the Lovefraud reader “Stargazer” a few weeks ago. Readers have asked that it be highlighted as a post.
After the shock had worn off and I no longer took the lies personally, I became fascinated with sociopaths in general. I wanted to learn everything I could about them because I thought they were fascinating.
After a while, and after reading so many similar stories on Lovefraud, I found all the traits to be one-dimensional. It’s as if I were reading a novel that only skated on the surface of the characters – what they are doing, what they are wearing, etc., but never dipped below to examine their character or their motives. It became boring. I tried to scratch below the surface to see what the motivations were of sociopaths. All I saw was story after story of lies and deception with no real outcome except the life energy of the victims being sucked out of them.
In my life, I look for substance, for character. When I meet someone and I notice they are wearing a beautiful piece of jewelry, for instance, I might ask the story of that piece of jewelry because I want to know what that person is about, what their life story is, how they feel about their lives, and how they view the world. I might ask about their views on politics because I want to know their values and what has shaped their lives. You cannot find those things out with a sociopath – you just get a one-dimensional fake person parroting what you want to hear, what they think they should say. There is no real connection possible with someone like this.
However, until you realize this, you will invest your own real emotion with them, and that is what hurts so much when they betray you. It is YOUR motives, YOUR feelings, and YOUR reactions that are most fascinating and worthwhile because YOU are a real and complete human being. I don’t know what the Latin root of the word “fascinating” is, but I imagine it is the same as “facet.” Fascinating people are multi-faceted. They have a lot of layers. Sociopaths have no facets. They are cartoon characters in a world of real people.
I would like to reach out to folks here who are grieving and say that it is possible to feel a sort of spiritual joy even in the depths of your grief.
How is this even possible? When I was in the depths of despair, I used self-talk a lot. I reminded myself that I can feel and that this makes me human. I felt grateful for that. I also told myself that the deepest spiritual joy is not possible without having visited the depths of grief. They go hand in hand. This is part of the human experience, and as painful as it is, we are privileged to experience this humanity.
A sociopath cannot feel it, try as they may – not the grief nor the joy. That is why they can hurt others so callously and maliciously. If they were capable for feeling the hurt they cause others, would they still do this harm to others?
I like to think that in some other realm – maybe the spirit realm – or another lifetime, the sociopath will become self-aware. At that time, all the pain they have caused others will come flooding back to them. It would probably kill them or at least flatten them with the heavy weight of karma. I don’t personally know whether that will happen or not. I stopped caring a long time ago.
The best way to deal with a sociopath is to live a good life without any trace of them. When they no longer exist to you except as a lesson in what to watch out for, you have triumphed.