lf1

I will never forget how he looked at me – I felt I was standing in front of the devil

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call Gemma, who lives in England. Names have been changed.

In August 2015 I was contacted on one of the pen pal websites by a guy named Brad, from a village in Michigan. Brad is a 35 year old veteran who works part time as a mechanic. He is also a village council trustee, with ambitions to become a village president one day.

We started talking on a daily basis, He was very charming and entertaining and seemed very reliable, always responding to my messages almost instantly.

Brad told me that he was married for the second time and his wife was pregnant. He said that although his current wife was better than the first one, he wasn’t happy and has been thinking about divorce for some time. In fact he got married to her because “there was nothing better available.”

He said his first wife divorced him after only a couple of months after his first child was born. He claimed she was crazy and cheated on him with “6 different dudes”.

In fact, his other partners cheated as well and one apparently tried to poison him, using eyedrops that she was adding to his drinks.

Brad’s army career was cut short due to developing a nerve condition following a course of vaccinations.

Needless to say, I started feeling sorry for him almost instantly.

About 3-4 weeks after we started talking Brad told me he was deeply in love with me. And all he wanted was to take care of me until we get old together.

I found the recent development quite shocking and over the top and kept reminding him that he was married and I wasn’t interested in neither an online nor any other kind of affair.

I live in England and the plans he had for us seemed unreal, to say the least.

Anyway, in November, shortly after his child was born he applied for divorce and presented me with a picture of his complaint for divorce.

By that time I was in love with him. He seemed perfect, despite the fact that he didn’t have much money or education and other social differences between us. I found myself talking to him for hours every single day, messages, FaceTime, Skype.

In December Brad informed me that he couldn’t stay under one roof with his soon to be ex wife, and decided to move in with his parents. He bought me a promise ring with our names engraved on it and was going to give it to me in Canada, where we were going to meet in March. He kept sending me letters and cards, where he called me his wife, as well as little craft items he made himself.

We seemed to have a great connection, I told him all about myself. He was aware that I have been suffering from depression, my ex husband was abusive towards me, and knew all my other problems.

After a couple of weeks from his divorce application I started enquiring about the progress of the case and asked if he received any additional documents from the court. His answers were always very vague and evasive. He claimed to be calling the court every couple of weeks and finally presented me with a temporary custody order.

Every single time I expressed doubts about the authenticity of the divorce process he would swear that he was getting divorced, as he couldn’t live without me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. When told that my friends and family had doubts too, he would say that they were simply jealous of our happiness.

I also found myself constantly worried about his health. There was always something wrong with him, either it was his nerve condition, headache, blackouts, amnesia, joint pains, indigestion, you name it! He even claimed to be diagnosed with mild brain damage! I spent many sleepless nights thinking and being worried about his ill health.

One day I asked him to give me his dad’s number as I would like to be informed if something happens to him. He gave the number to me.

In March 2016 we finally met in Canada. We exchanged the promise rings and started our vacation.

I quickly realised that something wasn’t quite right with “my future husband.” He didn’t want to go out anywhere, would rather stay at a hotel or a cottage, had childish tantrums, refused to eat and found pleasure in me feeding him with a spoon. He was prone to anger outbursts, snatching a map from my hands at one point, shouting at me when I was on my phone, accusing me that I didn’t come to Canada for him but just on holiday.

After such irrational actions he used to apologise and promise not to do it again.

I also noticed that I was the one paying for almost everything — shopping, restaurants and attractions (when I was successful to persuade him to actually do some sightseeing).

I also gave him all the remaining money I had for fuel before he drove back to the U.S., as he claimed he couldn’t afford it.

After I came back to England, he continued as if nothing had happened, apologised again for treating me badly, and promised to visit me in England in June.

In the meantime I found pictures of him and his soon to be ex wife on various internet sites, confronted him about it, demanded an explanation. He claimed that she was trying to hold onto them and he will tell her do delete them. After a few days some of the pictures disappeared.

I constantly insisted on being updated about the divorce proceedings. Every time he claimed that he had to contact the court as they failed to send him certain document. Eventually in May he presented his final divorce order, signed by the judge, the court clerk and stamped with an official court stamp. Then he said that we can finally start planning our wedding.

In June he came to see me in England. I introduced him to my daughter (who we decided was going to be my bridesmaid) and my friends. However, quickly things went down the hill and his behaviour seemed even more erratic than in Canada. He would cause constant arguments, dress up in the middle of the night and pack his suitcase threatening he would sleep on the street.

One evening he smashed my remote control against the wall. He claimed he had hernia and didn’t want to go out anywhere again. If I convinced him to go out, I was the one paying for most of the things, bought clothes for him, an electric toothbrush, was buying his favourite food, just to make him happy. During arguments he was always shouting, “you didn’t do sh*t for me!”

After he went back home to the U.S., the same scenario followed. He expressed his never ending love and apologised for his inappropriate behaviour.

Every time I had doubts about his real intentions or authenticity of his court documents he would show more proof, like emails he was exchanging with his ex wife where they discussed her final departure from the house.

He promised to take me to his village to introduce me to his parents, show me all the places he told me about.

In September I flew to Chicago, quickly the new accusations started Apparently, I went there to see Chicago, not to see him. Took him to The Art Institute, from which he stormed out after about 45 minutes. When I tried to find out what the problem was, I was shouted at again and found out that “I thought I was better than him because I was walking around the museum looking at all the paintings!”

He told me that after 2 days he only had 120 dollars left, at that point we still had 12 days of vacation left. However, when I checked his wallet it turned out he had 600 in it!

All the time in Chicago and later in a lakeside resort where we rented a cottage, he slept with a loaded gun either under his pillow or on a bedside table. One night he just got out of bed grabbed his firearm and went downstairs; I could hear him walking around the house with it. In the morning he claimed he did not recall doing it! It should be mentioned that Brad is a firearms fanatic and according to his account he owns almost 40 different guns.

At that point I was almost 100% sure we would not go to his village in Michigan, and that either he was still in a relationship with his wife or someone else. I was, however insisting on being taken there. One day when we were driving from a cottage in another town when he suddenly developed cramps in his hands and couldn’t drive anymore, we had to go back to the rented house.

I was crying to the point of choking and not being able to breath, begging him to tell me what the truth was. He was looking at me emotionless and shouted that he wasn’t in a relationship with anyone but me, and that I was being paranoid.

One day he locked himself in the bathroom and then the bedroom, covering his ears and sobbing. Didn’t want to talk to me or get out of it.

I decided to call his father. Introduced myself and said what the problem was. The person on the other side sounded very young for a man in his late 60s; however he promised to come to the cottage and talk too his son.

After about an hour of waiting I decided to inform Brad that his dad was apparently on his way. He went absolutely mad, accusing me of betrayal, alienating him from his dad, said he couldn’t trust me! Jumped in his car and drove off, then started calling me ordering to pack up my things and saying that he was going to drive me back to Chicago.

Daddy never showed up, as expected . It turned out a few days later it obviously wasn’t his father. Till this day I have no idea who I talked to.

On my last day he finally promised to take me to his village after finding his “motivation.”

We drove through that village with the speed of light, without stopping. I told him that it was the last straw and it was all over! More verbal abuse followed and I was told to f*ck off! I was sure then that he was still married and didn’t want to be seen with me.

When he took me back to the airport in Chicago he apologised for treating me badly and for not being able to behave better. He reassured me about his deep love for me.

On the day of my arrival back in England I contacted the court in Michigan and was told that there is no record of such divorce case.

I called Brad and he claimed that the court lost the records! Only when I told him that I was going to hire a private investigator he admitted forging all the documentation and could not offer any explanation with regards of his actions. He said he was hoping that everything would just fall in place.

I decided to email his wife with all the evidence and was informed that not only they aren’t divorced, she is expecting another child with him.

The news was absolutely devastating. My depression deteriorated as more facts were emerging.

I found out about 3 arrest warrants that were issued when he wasn’t showing up in court with relation to child support for the child from his first marriage. I also discovered that he was deliberately putting my health in danger (for confidentiality reasons I can’t reveal any more information regarding this matter). He lied about seeing a psychologist. Made up stories about his sister who apparently works for one of the government agencies looking for a job for him as an air marshal. Claimed to be a treasurer for the village council, meanwhile he does not hold any special role except being a trustee.

Two weeks after coming back from the U.S., I had a hemorrhage on my way back from work; turned out it was a miscarriage. When I contacted Brad about it, he just said he was sorry.

As far as I know the prosecutor did not press charges with relation to him forging 4 different documents. His wife is divorcing him and I suspect he is now sponging off of his parents who most likely are paying for his legal representation.

I truly believe Brad is a very dangerous man who destroyed many lives and he will not stop. The fact that he is allowed to own and carry firearms is also beyond me.

He is a true master of deception, he can lie his way out of any situation, often playing the disability card and making his victims feel sorry for him.

I suspect that his wife is not aware of who she really is dealing with and how viscous and dangerous he can be.

I will never forget how he looked at me during one of the arguments with his cold piercing eyes, full of anger and hatred. I have never seen or experienced anything like that before. I felt I was standing in front of the devil.



61 Comments on "I will never forget how he looked at me – I felt I was standing in front of the devil"

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  1. Synergy says:

    The title of this article, “I will never forget how he looked. I felt I was standing in front of the devil.” How true. After quite a few “relationships” with sociopaths, I felt very powerful and empowered one day when I met and quickly left a guy I call “The Spectre.” Here’s a poem that I wrote about him.

    SPECTRE

    Three days after Hallowe’en
    There came a spectre I hadn’t seen.
    Laughing and carefree it seemed – but Lo!
    It was a will-o-the-wisp in a boggy glow.
    Carefully spinning its evil plans,
    It tried to draw me in,
    to its boggy, miasmic, strange and lonely world
    through flattery, dangerous as quickmud,
    enticing words, cleverly designed
    snares.

    But a spectre’s plasma is thin.
    I could see quite through.
    I watched:
    between burning ribs,
    eye sockets flaming red,
    burning with lies as it tried
    to lead me, as others it had led.

    But not me! Me, it could not catch, for I am strong!
    Clever, too. So much more clever
    than a dumb old spectre!

    And so it wasn’t long before that spectre turned back around,
    the way it came,
    and it was me it spurned! Scared, it was!
    It wanted prey! But I am a worthy match
    in any game.
    The spectre was hungry for an easy meal,
    an easy take.
    The spectre’s love of death, not life,
    consumed it with a blood lust for prey,
    not any interest in sparring for a fair win or loss.

    The spectre fled.
    It disappeared quite suddenly beneath the murky, soggy bog
    into its rightful empty place
    to hide again.

    As for me, I had been kind, even to a ghost;
    had tried to see
    between the lines
    some glimmer of humanity I thought was there.
    But the spectre turned away.
    Forgotten and gone, faded only.

    The spectre didn’t even say Goodbye.
    No “Fare-thee-well.”
    But! Who, What can tell
    a spectre
    that never was?



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  2. cloud79 says:

    Synergy, it’s a good one!
    Mine really appreciated my high IQ as it made the games so much more interesting and challenging! He told me that his wife was dumb so I guess she accepted all the lies without too many questions, must have been boring for that little evil p*ick!



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    • Jan7 says:

      cloud79, sociopaths are masterful manipulators. One of the first manipulative tactics they use is ‘sociopath triangulation”. Do you realize you were sucked into his sociopathic triangulation with his wife?

      With the woman they marry, sociopath use sociopathic triangulation between the wife & her family to isolate & control her fully. Or the wife & a close friend, co workers, or if they are having an affair with a friend of the wife they will separate the wife & friend with sociopath triangulation.

      They also use sociopathic triangulation with anyone in his family that will call out his past manipulative behavior to the new target victim. My ex did this with his father & his step mother and me. He lied about both of them so that I did not trust them one bit! It was a manipulation so that I would not talk to them & learn the truth about my ex h right from the get go!!

      And in your case your ex married boyfriend used sociopathic triangulation with you against his wife!!

      Why did he do this?

      for many reasons including:

      1) to give you a reason why it was ok to cheat with him

      blame the wife – he tells you things like “she does not love me”, “it’s a business relationship rather then a romantic relationship”, “she nags me about everything”, “she pushed me to marry her”,….

      2) to separate you & his wife. If made you hate his wife you would never expose him & your affair with a married man to his wife!!

      Please know cloud79 EVERYTHING he said about his wife to you were lies!!

      3) He wanted to control you…& train you to do things his way!! What better way then say his wife nags him…this will plant the seed in your mind not to nag him…they are masterful puppet masters!!

      Everything he told you about his wife was a manipulative con!! Including that she was “dumb”. He used “sociopath smear campaign against his wife…just like he is probably using a sociopath smear campaign against YOU right now without you even know it…especially if his wife knows about you. He is blaming you for the affair with you…he is using sociopathic smear campaign calling you “dumb”. THIS IS WHAT THEY DO!!!

      I can assure you one thing…his wife is NOT dumb…she is living in hell with a masterful sociopath and she is NOT educated on these crazy mind games that sociopaths play.

      One top of everything he is telling his wife he LOVES her & begging her not to leave him!!

      How do I know this because I was married to a sociopath. I am not dumb. I went to a top university was in a very technical field. I saw who he was the second I met him. But I was not prepared nor educated on sociopathic lovebombing, brain washing, trance, hypnosis, mind control, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment mind games, his pathological lying, his manipulative, his sociopath smear campaign, his sociopath triangulation, his installing fear & phobias into my mind, his con game of sucking us into financial despair, for his tornado of hell….

      on top of that I was not prepared for my body not being able to handle the stress of his mind games & daily minute by minute crazyiness!! A human body can only handle so much stress then the adrenal glands get fatigue and once that happens you end up sick. SO I was dealign with health issues & a full time job and all the hell in imposed on me!!

      Be luck that you were the mistress because being the wife is 1000 times worse with a sociopath. Eventually you just give in to all of their demands because you are trying to pick up the pieces of your health so that you can get the strength to leave them.

      I assure you I saw EVERYTHING he did from day one…I can assure you that I was not dumb…just like I can assure you that his wife is not “dumb”!!

      One top of every crazy mind game he did he would tell me he would “kill me” if I ever left him. I believe he will kill one of his many victims & in my gut I wonder if he has killed someone & gotten away with it. He blended into society…he dressed sharp, had the college degree, was in a technical field, people respect him…it’s crazy how many people he has conned in his life including endless number of mistress. When I finally left him he had 5 women that I know of on the hook…YES…3 of them were sleeping with him…not sure about the others. SO were these mistress “dumb” too??

      You might say YES…but I say no…he is a masterful sociopath and none of us were prepared for his mind control games!! Including this guys wife!!

      Please educate yourself because he is still controlling your mind with his planted seeds of sociopath smear campaign, triangulation, pathological lying con game. When you educate yourself with all their mind games you will find compassion for the wife and most importantly you WILL realize everything he did was to CONTROL your mind!!

      Break free from his mind control by educating yourself!! Other wise he is still winning his con game with you!

      Please open your mind set. Because you continue to belittle his wife on this site. I have actually never really encountered such here at LF to this level. You have anger towards his wife & I say turn your anger on him!! He is the one that you should be focused on because you & his wife were in the same boat together. And once you see this you will open your mind up to the truth that you were both conned by a sociopath.

      Once I was educated I did not have ANY ill will fillings towards the endless women my then husband was screwing around with despite some of them knowing he was married, Like in your case.

      Do a search on here on Lovefraud & the net:

      sociopath triangulation

      sociopath smear campaign

      sociopath trance

      sociopath hypnosis

      gas lighting abuse



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    • Synergy says:

      Oh,gosh, Cloud79! I know what you mean about high IQ being more challenging to exploit/win an imagined contest with you. I had come to a similar conclusion about exploiters. I had a succession of 3 husbands, and each was in many ways worse than the previous one/s. I had had plenty of training how to avoid such men, how to take care of myself. I had been to abuse recovery groups; therapy; self help books. So I concluded the same thing you did, in a way: I was harder to squash than someone less informed. So the challenge to squash me was too much for them to pass up!



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    • Synergy says:

      Hi again,cloud 79 — Thanks for your nice comment about my poem, “Spectre.”



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  3. cloud79 says:

    Oh I know very well that he is a master manipulator. I am aware of his tactics and I knew almost from the beginning something wasn’t right , that’s why he started forging the documents.I have no hatred towards the wife . I believe he has been brainwashing her for years but I also know she is in denial. I want to send her a book about sociopaths because I believe she needs to educate herself and see it wasn’t just an ordinary affair. However, I also cannot understand how it is possible that she wasn’t aware of what was going on and this is according to her email. How come she is expecting another child knowing that he wasn’t taking care or paying for the first one? I am not saying she is dumb because these were his words . I just find her behaviour strange to say the least.



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    • Jan7 says:

      she’s not in “denial” she has cognitive disturbance issues because of his brain washing and mental crazy games.

      What is cognitive disturbance…it’s holding two difference belief systems about someone…one “he is evil” and one “he is good”. there is no doubt she wants him out of her life but he knows how to suck her back into his evil world.

      Part of the issue with cognitive disturbance is adrenal fatigue issues where the victims stress level is extremely high due to the abuse and because of this the victims blood sugar, coritsol & adrenaline level (fight, freeze or flight response mode) and over 50 hormones are not in the normal range mode and are causing thinking impairment issues.

      She has been trained like an animal is trained to accept all his craziness by conditioning her brain from day one!!



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      • Jan7 says:

        Cloud79,

        you state:

        “He told me that his wife was dumb so I guess she accepted all the lies without too many questions,..”

        I can guarantee that they fight over his lies daily!

        And that she does not “accept his lies”, bet she calls out his lies everyday! But it gets to the point you try to find some type of peace & calmness in your marriage while you try to find the exit door out of the toxic relationship.

        You state:

        “I just find her behaviour strange to say the least.”

        her behavior is simply = she is a long term victim of a sociopath.

        Educate yourself because when I read your statements about the wife, I hear a lot of anger towards her. Once you let go of this anger towards the wife then you will be free of his mind game, (by the way is very common for a mistress to hold onto this type of anger towards the wife because you were conditioned by the sociopath from day one to hate his wife).

        Keep reading & doing searches on the words I posted above in my first post.

        Open your mind to the truth!! It will set you free!



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  4. mzpris15 says:

    Hello,
    Just wanted to say that God definitely working in my life. Every day I see the God taking away my misery. I find that I am finding that I am crying less and less each day. I have started beasides my adopting a senior that I and working at the homeless shelter. It makes me feel so much better to focus my engery on something that is positive and really is an issue compared to sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. I know I am s good person and he is not. He is the one that has to live with ehat he has done not me. This doesn’t mean that I am healed an all my pain has gone away. I think of him daily and the fact that he told me that he never loved me and how that hurt me to my core. I just choose to stop focusing on that and do something different.
    Hope everything has a happy Christmas!🌲



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    • Jan7 says:

      Hi mzpris15, glad you are doing better!! Please be careful at this “homeless” center because you are vulnerable right now and you dont want to let any bad people into your life. Remember sociopath are in all walks of life & they will use pity play manipulation to tap into someones empathy to get what they want. Even someone at a homeless shelter can be a sociopath. So please beware!

      Merry Christmas!



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  5. cloud79 says:

    I would like to emphasise again that I do not have any anger towards the wife! I understand that you are looking at it from the perspective of the wife. I have read 3 books about sociopaths within 2 months as well as numerous blogs and forum discussions. I was married to a man who abused me physically and mentally for years, he was even arrested for beating me up once . I however made sure that I did not buy property with him because I did not want to have any financial ties to him and only had one child! And this is just common sense ! If I were informed by someone that my husband is cheating on me and is planning to get married to someone else (and saw the evidence ) I would make sure I know everything about the case. I find her behaviour strange and I am not going to change my opinion . And I do not blame her for anything, I blame him!



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    • Jan7 says:

      cloud79, I’m truly sorry that you were married to a abusive man.

      These questions below are just for sociopathic discussion:

      Do you find your own behavior of being with this man strange?

      Do you find your behavior strange that you had a child with him?



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      • Jan7 says:

        just to add both these question apply to your ex husband & this current sociopath that you were involved with.



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      • Synergy says:

        Looking back on my own younger years, I would have to say Yes, I find my behavior “strange.” BUT: this is how I was brought up! My entire family (father, mother, brother and sister, and also myself, plus several relatives who lived elsewhere) behaved in dysfunctional ways. We abused each other, fought, screamed, cried a lot, threw things, broke things – except the men never cried. I thought everyone lived like we did, that they just hid better than we did. It took decades before I found out that was not true, that some people live calm, loving, happy lives. So I suspect that many, many people who stayed with an abuser, even had a child with him or her, had no idea what she was up against, nor what the person she thought loved her, was really like. One can’t condemn people who keep coming back to the abuser. It’s too difficult a situation for simplistic comments, beliefs about them, or supposed solutions.



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        • Last Name Doe says:

          Jan 7, maybe you can help me feel a little better right now. It seems like you know exactly what these types are like. I am going through a very difficult situation right now and no one I know would understand. I’ve been looking up this topic for about a year now, but things have changed for the worst. Didn’t think that was possible. Turns out the one person I trusted with everything my entire life, the ONE person I trusted with everything, including my life, and who in the past year I have been telling about how I’m learning about sociopaths and narcissists and psychopaths and learning about our upbringing, turns out to be one too! It’s a very long story but I am feeling very alone and don’t know what to do. Are there emergency counselors or are there any support groups available to participate in about this matter? I am so glas I found these recent responses. I’ve been looking for sites tonight hoping to find something recent. Thank you!!



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          • Jan7 says:

            Last Name Doe, Im sorry you are going thru a hard time right now. Sending hugs to you tonght!

            It’s very common to find your way to Lovefraud & start to read & analysis your life and realize that you have another sociopath in your life including friends or family members.

            Experts believe that we ALL have a sociopath in our circle of friends & family without even knowing it.

            Experts also believe that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths & psychopaths!! YES!! so scary how many there are on this planet!! They are every where blending in from all walks of life….rich, poor, white collar, Blue collar, school teachers to CEO’s.

            SO the fact that you have pieced together that this “friend” is a sociopath is not surprising. But be thankful that you have figured this out.

            Donna Anderson site creator here at Lovefraud has a coaching program…you can look up at the top under the red tab “Contact” for more info on this program. She charges a small fee but she will help you. I have not used this service but many people have posted here stating Donna help them out. She may not be available the next few days because of Christmas but you can still send her an email but it’s better I would think to call her number.

            Also you can contact your national Domestic Violence Hotline in your country for help with free counseling over the phone & they will also give you the local abuse center phone numbers where they also provide FREE counseling & free women group meetings. Both will help you. They do not get into specifics about “sociopath” abuse but they will help you out. They may have a list of counselors outside of the centers for more in-depth counseling.

            In the USA the hotline number is 800-799-SAFE (they are open everyday of the year including Christmas)

            So reach out to them tonight. IF you are not in the USA then just google the words “Domestic Violence Hotline with your countries name” for listings.

            Do a search here on love fraud for “grey rock” and “no contact rule” and also on the net.

            With this friend you should follow the “Sociopath no contact rule”. Best to get them out of your life because they will do nothing but try to destroy you & your life.

            If you want more specifics info let me know what is going on & where you need guidance. I am just a victim of an ex husband myself so I will give you any info that I can.

            I would highly recommend that you look up a the very top of this site & click on each tab & read and also look at the videos that Donna has posted up there as well. Donna has done an amazing job to educate us all and her site is a library full of info.

            Take care.

          • Jan7 says:

            Last Name Doe, here is Donna Andersons info located at the top under “contact” red tab:

            “Personal consultations

            If you are looking for help regarding your involvement with someone you suspect may be a sociopath, Donna Andersen offers personal consultations. The fee for telephone consultations is $40 for 30 minutes and $75 for 60 minutes. Email consultations are free. More information.

            Contact

            donna@lovefraud.com

            Donna Andersen
            Lovefraud

            3121-D Fire Road #304
            Egg Harbor Township, NJ 08234
            USA

            609-945-1384″

      • Keepinstrong says:

        I need help… Please!!! I think I am married to a sociopath. I asked him for a divorce in the spring, he still hasn’t left he tells me we I am tipping our family apart. He lies about where he goes at night, he focuses all his energy on social media… Ignoring myself and our child. He does not work, he cannot keep a job. He would blame all of his issues at work on other people at his job, he has not kept a job since I met him 10 yrs ago. I am the sole provider for our family and when I approach him about this he freaks out on me. Tonight I did and the consequences were bad. You see I have started to recognize his issues and fight back… He doesnt like it so I usually suffer… Either physically or mentally. He tells me I am narcissistic… Everyone I know tell me I have changed… I’m not my happy self anymore. When I met him he was great. I don’t even speak to my family anymore… I think they see him for who he is especially my mother. I do have a close relationship with his parents they know what he is about and they support me. He tells our daughter I’m a terrible mother, she is 8 and understands he is wrong… She told me he terrifies her. He claims he is an addict but when I offered help at a treatment center he refused and said he wasn’t an addict. I have supported this man through so much, he says I have never supported him emotionally. I honestly second guess myself so much… I’m going crazy… I have lost weight I feel sad all the time. I honestly feel like a robot. He tells me constantly what I do wrong, as soon as I confront him about his issues… He gets so mad and will not listen to me. He tells me I am nasty and cold… I do fight back much more now… I think because it makes me sad and angry how he treats me. He stays out all night sometimes and blames that on me. He refuses to see what I go through on a daily basis. There is so much more… I need to know I am not going crazy. Please help



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        • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

          Dear KeepinStrong
          Not you are not crazy. But you are in a crazymaking situation. A dangerous situation. You are with a type of person who has the ability to murder.

          Please read read read.
          Then make a plan to escape.
          There is NO OTHER PATH than to submit to death or to escape. I hope you choose freedom for you and your child… your child who sees her father as the monster he is.

          It is NORMAL to not see all of the lack of his soul while you are IN the bubble of abuse. You’re being attacked and your body goes into defense. When you are free, you will realize far more and then you will be validating yourself.

          Until then… please educate yourself, do NOT confront him, make a plan to escape, and then NEVER LOOK BACK.

          All my best to you…



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          • Keepinstrong says:

            NotWhatHeSaidOfMe

            Thank you very much, I no longer have my family because they do not like him so I no longer speak to them. I realized what I need to do he told me last night he will be leaving. At this point I go from ignoring him to fighting back with him because i am so angry at him for doing this to me and him not seeing what he has done to me. Thank you so much… Talking about this and reading this website makes me feel stronger and I will never ever look back like I have dont in the past. Thank you again

      • Keepinstrong says:

        I need help… Please!!! I think I am married to a sociopath. I asked him for a divorce in the spring, he still hasn’t left he tells me we I am ripping our family apart. He lies about where he goes at night, he focuses all his energy on social media… Ignoring myself and our child. He does not work, he cannot keep a job. He would blame all of his issues at work on other people at his job, he has not kept a job since I met him 10 yrs ago. I am the sole provider for our family and when I approach him about this he freaks out on me. Tonight I did and the consequences were bad. You see I have started to recognize his issues and fight back… He doesnt like it so I usually suffer… Either physically or mentally. He tells me I am narcissistic… Everyone I know tell me I have changed… I’m not my happy self anymore. When I met him he was great. I don’t even speak to my family anymore… I think they see him for who he is especially my mother. I do have a close relationship with his parents they know what he is about and they support me. He tells our daughter I’m a terrible mother, she is 8 and understands he is wrong… She told me he terrifies her. He claims he is an addict but when I offered help at a treatment center he refused and said he wasn’t an addict. I have supported this man through so much, he says I have never supported him emotionally. I honestly second guess myself so much… I’m going crazy… I have lost weight I feel sad all the time. I honestly feel like a robot. He tells me constantly what I do wrong, as soon as I confront him about his issues… He gets so mad and will not listen to me. He tells me I am nasty and cold… I do fight back much more now… I think because it makes me sad and angry how he treats me. He stays out all night sometimes and blames that on me. He refuses to see what I go through on a daily basis. There is so much more… I need to know I am not going crazy. Please help



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        • Synergy says:

          You have got to get away to protect yourself and your child. Get out NOW, this minute if you can, OR pack a suitcase and be ready to take yourself and your child at the earliest possible moment.. if he’s a danger if you try to leave, wait till he’s gone someplace, then get out. Can you stay with your parents? Is there a women’s shelter where you can go now, to protect yourself? If he is physically abusing you, call the police immediately — that’s only if the police in your area won’t automatically take his side, as he shows his charming pseudo-personality to them. Where we used to live, the police would have laughed at me and cozied up to him. But in the urban area where I moved when I left, he came to visit me (dumb me!) became ominous, and I did call the police. Yup, he was all charming again when they arrived 5 minutes after I called. They were not fooled, and in fact one of the officers was a women! They asked me, in front of him, if I ever wanted to see him again? I said No, and the police officers escorted him out. Ho — but I did seem him again!!! I was so foolish. Finally I got him to get out of my life. See, he had promised as part of the divorce to pay my health insurance for three years — it’s called COBRA — through his place of work. He paid 2 months, then quit his job. So it cost me $3,000 overall to insure myself. So finally, when he called again, and I said, “Don’t call again until you are ready to pay me the $3,000 you owe me. Bye.” He’d call and I would answer joyfully (faking it) “Oh GOOD! You are ready to pay me my $3,000!!” There were a total of 2-3 calls of this sort, and he quit calling, because I would not talk to him. That was all I said….

          Here’s the title and info on the book that tells exactly what steps to take, what to do, and how to do it.It’s this book book I used to get out– don’t ever let him see the book! Perhaps read it (and keep it there! — don’t take it home with you!!) at your parents’ house, or a good friend if he has not driven them all away from you by now, or get from the library if you can and read it there. It’s called “Getting Free” by Ginny NiCarthy. Here’s the Overview from Barnes & Noble, and it’s available on Amazon.com and lots of other places. “Since its original publication in 1982, Getting Free has changed the lives of tens of thousands of women. Written in an accessible style, packed with practical information and answers, special exercises designed to help a woman recognize abuse, and several success stories, Getting Free remains an important resource today—and this updated edition makes it an all the more relevant resource.
          In this expanded edition, Ginny NiCarthy features important new information from the latest studies and most recent research on the subject. New chapters include an analysis of whether batterers’ treatment really works, which programs help violent men change, and which do not; the results of research on the ways that many men who batter also abuse their children, and specific reactions of children to battering; the cultural and legal issues relevant to immigrant women; and a presentation of how religious beliefs and religious communities affect the real and perceived choices of women facing violence.”



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        • Synergy says:

          NotWhatHeSaidofMe is so right on in what she has written. She said, “NEVER LOOK BACK!” I add from my own — and many others’ — experience: NEVER GO BACK!” He will tempt you, be very loving and charming, promise to “change” or “treat you better;” maybe even cry or get down on his knees, bring you flowers or other gifts. On the other hand, he might threaten your child or you, threaten to take the child away from you if you try to leave, oh, so many tricks up his sleeve. Don’t fall for any of it! Stay away. No Contact! If he calls, hang up without saing anything; if he comes, don’t open the door, and don’t talk to him; if he writes you a letter, shred it without reading; if he sends you and email/s delete without reading. If he starts stalking you, call the police. That’s a hard one — stalking. I never had to deal with that — maybe someone else here (Donna?) has advice about stalking. If I understand rightly, a restraining order is often not an effective or wise solution.



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        • Jan7 says:

          Keepinstrong, I’m glad you found your way to love fraud & found the courage to post your post tonight.

          YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!! PLEASE KNOW THIS!!

          IF you believe your husband is a sociopath then he IS the crazy one!!! YES!! He is the crazy one trying to push you intentionally over your emotional edge to have control over you (again) because you are seeing the truth & he does not want you to see that he is crazy & leave him.

          THINGS YOU NEED TO DO ASAP FOR YOUR DAUGHTER & YOUR SAFETY:

          1) DO NOT tell your husband what you are reading here at love fraud or other site!! For your safety you do not know how he is going to reach so you MUST

          BIT YOUR TONGUE…and instead come here & vent out your feelings & emotions.

          This is a safe space for you to vent!

          2) Clear your computer history each time you post something here at love fraud or search any site about leaving him or about sociopath behavior

          3) Set up a fake email account asap. Then come back to love fraud & start a new account here under that fake email & delete this Lovefraud account so that your husband does not look at your emails & see this info sent to you from LF. Again for your safety & your daughters safety.

          4) Contact your National Domestic Violence Hotline tonight if you can do it safely if not tomorrow. They have free counselors even on Christmas Day!!

          In the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE

          Ask them for your local abuse center & also to explain what an EXIT PLAN IS OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND ALSO A SAFETY PLAN.

          The most dangerous time for a woman (& her family) is when she is planning to leave the abusive relationship or has just left. This is why it is VITALLY important to have a plan out of your relationship.

          Google: National Domestic Violence hotline (USA) and read their site…but again only if you are safe to do so.

          5) Contact your most trusted family & friends only & open up to them about what is going on in your marriage asap!! Ask them to document what you tell them this can be used in court. Ask them also to let you use their computer to do search on domestic abuse and here at love fraud.

          6) Keep a journal (hidden) with any abuse whether verbal, physical, mental, emotional or financial. This too can be used in court.

          7) Remember to Breath….your emotions are high right now & you are in hyper vigilant mode so you must remember to stay calm & focusing on your breathing will help to limit the stress.

          8) Do a search when you are safe to do so up at the right top here at love fraud for the following & also on the net. (clear your computer history):

          gas lighting abuse

          no contact rule

          One moms battle. com

          sociopath smear campaign

          9) CALL THE POLICE!! IF YOU GET TO A POINT YOU ARE IN DANGER CALL THEM…DO NOT WORRY IF HE GETS ARRESTED! YOUR JOB RIGHT NOW IS TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER & YOU SAFE!!

          10) IF you have to go to a hotel or your families & friends for your safety. If he shows up there CALL THE POLICE.

          YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!! Please know this. We have all been where you are and wondering the same…but right now he has you in his crazy making grips. FREE YOURSELF!!

          HUGS TO YOU!! You are strong! You can get out of this abusive relationship with the help of the National Domestic Violence hotline & your local abuse center.

          WE HEAR YOU!! KEEP REACHING OUT TO THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE (800)799-SAFE (USA) OR GOOGLE FOR YOUR COUNTRY’S NUMBER.

          Take care. ❤️



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  6. Synergy says:

    Jan7 has given great advice and resources. Thank you, Jan 7. I have only one thing to add, and you may have thought of this already. NEVER let your husband or friend know about your self-protection reading, email, groups, contacting Donna Anderson, or anything about it. There are some books I’d recommend, too — and the advice from the women who wrote them is never show these books to any man. That may be outdated advice, though, since we are now aware of female-to-male abusers, male to male, and female to female. There is a very good one called “Getting Free.” This is the one that helped me to escape from my sociopathic husband. It’s by Ginny NiCarthy. She has excellent tactics to get away safely. Another thing that I am pretty sure that Jan7 did not mention is that your domestic violence hotline could likely find you a safe (and secret) place to stay overnight if you are in danger. I stayed at one, one time. Other times I stayed with a friend, or in a motel.

    There is also a group in some of the states in the United States called Abuse Recovery Ministry and Services (ARMS). This group welcomes – and I mean REALLY WELCOMES! – women of all faiths of none. They have women’s groups that have literature on abuse and what to do, etc etc. My experience there is that ARMS people know more about this issue than any other person or group that I have attended. (Naturally I am not comparing them to Donna Anderson, and the ARMS people don’t address sociopaths specifically anyway.) Like Donna and her assistance, the leaders of the abused women’s group I went to were trained volunteers who had been abused, themselves, and have been in recovery for quite a while. I highly recommend ARMS IF they are available in your area. They are a Christian group. I am not a Christian and felt right at home! There was also a Muslim woman who came to meetings. They also have groups for abusive men, and also for abusive women.



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    • Synergy says:

      I meant to add that, in order for you to keep your activities, videos, reading, emails, etc. from being seen by your husband, you may have a pbulic library where you can make a private email account and communicate there. Ditto for the internet, Donna Anderson’s info, books….I imagine that this would work best if if you live in a sizeable city. If you live in a small town, where people might look over your shoulder and gossip, the public library might not work. Does anyone here have any suggestion for small town people?

      A woman I knew slightly at a senior center, who lived in a small town, told me this story: Her late husband, of many years, was physically abusive. He turned her over his knee, pulled her undies off her bottom, and spanked her very hard. She has permanent leg and spinal injuries from this. I asked her why she stayed with him. It had something to do with his family and extended family: They were highly prominent people in the town — you know how some small towns are virtually “owned” by one family? That was the situation. I don’t know how that kept her in the marriage, but it did.

      Resources for abused women are badly needed in small town in the United States, and probably in other countries, too.



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  7. cloud79 says:

    Jan7 , I really appreciate your will to help and admire your knowledge on the subject. However, I think you are taking my comments too personally and slightly out of context. I am discussing here this particular case and this case only . I wasn’t referring to any ‘other wife’ or no one else on the forum. The situation with my ex husband was quite a bit different. He was abusive towards me but wasn’t cheating on me and isn’t a pathological liar. He also was a decent father , was taking care of our daughter and was contributing to her maintenance. I had her when I was 22 and because of his behaviour towards me I knew I would not have another child with him , I also did not have any financial connections to him. Cos that would be like committing a suicide. Believe me, if he tried to pull a stunt like ‘Brad’ did and disappear from home for 2 eeeks , his suitcases would be out of the door with an immediate effect. A divorce petition would also be awaiting his arrival! I wouldn’t need this to happen 3 times and someone to practically shove the evidence in my face ! And if that did happen for some strange reason I would certainly pursue all the truth!



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  8. Synergy says:

    Keepinstrong,

    It will likely take time for him to move his stuff out and find another place to live. Meanwhile, you need to protect your child immediately. It will likely not be easy or soon to get him out of the house permanently.

    Best wishes, and remember that if you have any more problems with this guy, check in with us, and read Jan7’s post on what to do RIGHT NOW.



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