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Sociopaths cannot love, they just want to win

In this “Letter to Lovefraud” video, I explain the sad truth about sociopaths in romantic relationships. A Lovefraud reader writes that her ex-boyfriend said that he missed her, he loved her, he changed. But when the reader went to see him, the guy humiliated her.

The fact is, the guy is a sociopath, and sociopaths cannot love. He concocted the story to deceive the reader, just so he could hurt her. For him, the entire episode was a big win.

The reader, however, can win in the end, by recognizing what her sociopathic ex really is, and eliminating him from her life.

 


Posted in: Donna Andersen

46 Comments on "Sociopaths cannot love, they just want to win"

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  1. dorothy2 says:

    Aware, I know that the waking up phase of one of these encounters is, or can be, brutally painfull. There are lots of bitter pills to swallow including seeing things about ourselves that we might not have wanted to see, admit, etc.. BUT, you will come out on the other side of this and be grateful you saw it for what it isn’t sooner rather than later, no matter how long you were in it.
    Just please know that as much as you hurt now, you will get through this and that the people here will help you through that process.
    Hang in there Aware!



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    • Aware says:

      Thank you Dorothy2,
      I appreciate your support and know I will be ok as long as I stay away and focus on myself, not that freak. I have really bad days where I think about him constantly but as long as I stay connected and get support I should be better off than I was before I met him. I have been reading EVERYTHING I can get my eyes on:)its making sense finally.



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      • dorothy2 says:

        Aware,
        Like I said, once your eyes are opened to the truth nothing will be the same. I think it’s hard to come to grips with in the after phase because you are no longer in their grips. The spell starts fading as your eyes open wider and wider in disbelief and shock. Now you are back to “normal” and can’t believe what you had become and experienced under their spell. It’s like being in a mad, wild drunk and hearing what you did the next day or like they hooked strings to you and became the puppet master of you.
        It was you dancing at the end of the strings but the rational part of you was switched off.
        I think they tap into our subconscious and take it on some crazy indulgent ride. That part of us is always there but we normally are able to balance or “control” it with our conscious mind and exersize good judgement.
        I know that Spathtard tapped into a very primal wound and need of mine, literally the very first night I was with him. It’s clear as day to me now and it was my unfulfilled need as a baby to be held and belong to someone. I can remember exactly what he did and said and remember having that feeling like a dog when it hears a strange sound and cocks it’s head. Like…” huh???? that’s weird”! But I was also immediately hooked at a very deep level and he played me like a fiddle! The rest was history and seems like a dream (nightmare) to me now.
        Our subconscious is so strong, and really, can be very vulnerable to manipulation if it hasn’t been fully seen and understood.
        I used to think and insist that I really did love him but really, it was just baby Dorothy addicted to getting a primal, unfulfilled need met and not wanting to loose that feeling of being wanted. He knew exactly which buttons to push to keep baby Dorothy dancing at the end of those strings but it was all an illusion, a mirage that evaporated.
        That was my bitter pill to swallow, and it was very painful then, but now it’s ok. I’ve seen what I needed to see and I do feel like it was important for me to see this about myself. I had glimpses before Spathtard but never a full understanding of the roll that unresolved part of my past was playing in my life.
        I don’t think I will ever give him credit or thanks for his roll in all of it but I am pretty close to being able to say that I’m glad it happened.



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        • Aware says:

          Dorathy2,
          I get it about our childhood wounds and trying to fill a void, its like going grocery shopping while hungry, I met freako when I was hungry for affection and love and settled. I thought I had worked most of my childhood wounds through and accepted having a mother like I do, evidently not.
          I too am not at the point of giving him credit for showing me (unconsciously)the light.
          As far as the puppet master stuff I see what he did to me now, I was arrested (first for me)for assaulting him in my front yard. I had warned him that if he lied to me again I would leave him, well I’m sure you already know…he lied the night I was arrested. The following day in court I was taken aside by a court social worker and told” stay away from him, you’ve been arrested and this is just the beginning if you stay with him”. She wouldn’t say anymore probably due to privacy and the law. Ive since found out hes been arrested 12 times, of course he neglected to tell me about 10 of his arrests.
          Toward the end he was scaring me by the things he said while having sex, strange stuff to say to the woman you “LOVE SO MUCH”. I remember asking him a couple of times if he had ever slept with a man, he denied it. Its funny how we know before we know because eventually I saw his text to his male lover saying the same crap he said to me, word for word I kid you not! I made sure to tell his mommy, mean I know, but those two freaks are mean. Is it me or are these people attached to the hip to one of their parents? He told me on our second date that he was a mamas boy, I thought oh cool he loves his mom, boy was I misled. His mom listened to our conversations and when she missed part of one she asked him and HE TOLD HER WORD FOR WORD! I’m so happy to be away from him but I cant lie, I miss his hugs we used to spoon on the couch for an hour or so a couple of times a week :(. I bought a body pillow but its not cutting it :).



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          • Bev says:

            Wow, Aware…love your post.

            Is it just me or are these people attached at the hip to one of their parents…omg.

            I am the mother of ‘one’ of these ‘people’. Perhaps if I was in denial, or ‘one’ myself, that might be the case. SON, as I refer to ‘him’ would have it just that way, if it up to ‘him’. However, I live in reality and am completely sane and can see what and who SON is. ‘They’ do, however, seem very much to need ‘parental cover’ so that they look and appear normal to others. So that others do not think that there is something very off and/or wrong with ‘them’.

            Great observation. 🙂

          • dorothy2 says:

            Aware! Wow. You could be me in what you just said here! Amazing! I thought the same things about him being “close” to his mother? Well, lol, he lived in her basement! I’m soooooo embarrassed! Is that not the reddest flag in the world? An adult “man” living in his mother’s basement!? All SO clear to me now but I was almost instantly stunned/ hooked! Big huge cuddler! Hooked I tell you! Baby Dorothy was purring like a kitten in that big lug’s arms. He might as well drugged me.
            But yes, this mother thing is huge in the land of Spathdom and they are a symbiotic/ parasitic unit. Sick disordered mother creates and enables baby Spathtard big big big time. Just a sickening emotionaly incestous mess. Blech! ;-0~~~~

          • dorothy2 says:

            Sorry Bev! Present company excluded!
            😊

          • Bev says:

            Lol…no problem dorothy2…

            I can totally understand how a such a messed up mother could enable such a ‘child’…and ‘they’ are always children, for like, EVER.

            🙂

  2. Jan7 says:

    Hi Aware, glad you researched the truth which lead you to Lovefruad. This is a wonderful site with a library full of info to help you heal.

    On top of what Donna stated about the emotional bond, sociopaths also use trance & hypnosis!!! YES!!! how scary is this!!! I know my ex used these evil methods to control my mind. Plus sociopaths literally use brain washing, mind control, reward & punishment, gas lighting abuse (google this & do a search on love fraud for more info), pathological lying, manipulation…it goes on and on.

    Like you state you must follow your gut feelling! I too say all of the marching RED FLAGS my ex h gave off from the minute I met him. YES the very second I met him thru mutual friends I thought he was a tornado and the second time I met him I thought he was CRAZY!! Not crazy as in fun but CRAZY as in mental instution…but he knows how to con people into his web of description just like all sociopaths do…so please do not beat yourself up…this for me was a very hard set to over come but you will someday let go and just realize you pushed into hell by this sociopath without knowing what he was doing.

    The book Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker is excellent at reminding yourself to always always follow your gut. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their powerful interview on the subject.

    I have read that within 3 SECONDS we can determine if someone is trust worthy or not….in the Oprah video she makes a very powerful statement…animals do not stick around to see if someone or another animal is trust worth nope they just run off or fly off like birds do. This is what humans need to do also. I have always had a strong reaction to people (followed my gut feelings) but as I got older I thought maybe I should be more open minded…what I realized after being thrusted into hell is NEVER EVER ignore your first gut reaction about someone. First impressions are lasting impressions!!!

    One of the things that victims of abuse do not realize is the stress of the toxic relationship wreaks havoc on our bodies which in turn wreak havoc on our minds.

    Do a search on “Adrenal fatigue” see the symptoms also see Adrenal fatigue. org and DrLam. com…they both have good sites to understanding how stress affects the adrenal glands and in turn effects our body & mind. On another site the site creator asked everyone if they had health problems during their relationship but not before over 400 people responded with almost the identical related health issues i.e. sleep issues, anxiety, depression, racing mind, PTSD, mood swings, etc etc = all issues related to adrenal fatigue.

    You might want to find a good endocrinologist doctor to test you for vitamin/mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, cortisol levels all issues with victims of abuse. And all of these can effect your thoughts and how you recover from the abuse.

    Google & do a seach on love fraud up at the top right corner for:

    no contact rule sociopaths

    gas lighting abuse

    sociopath trance

    sociopath brain washing

    sociopath hypnosis

    Glad you found your way to love fraud & found the courage to post your story!!

    Wishing you all the best.💜



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    • Jan7 says:

      Aware…ps your local library (USA) might have the book Gift of Fear. Plus just to let you know that Donna Anderson site creator of Lovefraud has a phone coaching program that for a small fee you can talk with her on the phone with might help you too. IF you go to the top under the “Contact tab” you will find the info about this program. Also she has created an online course to help victims heal with looks incredible (I have not used it as it was created this year).



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    • Aware says:

      Hi Jan 7,
      As soon as I finish this blog I’m on my way to get The Gift of Fear, I love to read, thank you! I agree with you on getting sick…during the first few months my stomach ached like you cant imagine, and I had never had anything like that happen to me before. I purchased a bottle of homeopathic stomach pills and still have them, I keep them in my medicine cabinet as a reminder to freakin listen to my body/intuition from now on!
      Its funny how I was concerned with his health (psoriasis and skin cancer)but he didn’t give a shinola about mine, so one way.



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      • Jan7 says:

        Hi Aware, just to let you know that Donna (site creator of Lovefruad) also has a list of books to read that she has either written or reviewed. If you go to the top of the site & look under the red tab “Lovefraud store” then click on “shop for books” you will find her list.

        My counselors gave me the book “Woman who love psychopaths” by Sandra Brown to read which was extremely helpful in understanding the craziness that I endured at the hands of my ex h. During my marriage I felt like my ex was brain washing me & when I asked my counselor about this she stated “YES!! Sociopaths brainwash their victims!!!”…I did a search on the net & found the book Freedom of Mind by Steven Hassan, he is a cult & domestic abuse expert & his book explains the brain washing aspect. This book opened my eyes wide open to how sociopaths take over your brain. It was like Steven Hassan witnessed my marriage then wrote his book. So crazy this world!!

        You are so right with regards to listening to your body & intuition!!! My gut instintst & body told me everything the second I met people & I stupidly let my guard down. 🙁

        Like your ex, My ex h would not even bring me a glass of water when I was so sick I could not even get out of bed but god forbid he had a cold and the whole damn world needed to stop revolving to help him in his time of “need”. He was masterful with this manipulation of “poor me” pity play.

        I always stay that the one thing the sociopaths of this world never counted on what other victims helping each other to heal!!

        Glad you are free of your ex now!!!!! Count your lucky stars!!! True blessing!!!👯🍀🎉💫✨



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    • Aware says:

      Hi Jan7,
      Thank you for clarifying so much and sharing, I got a lot out of it! Adrenal fatigue is real I think I was almost there, went to my naturopath and he put me on a couple of supplements. I eat a balanced diet, more now than ever because its easier cooking for myself, he was a pain in the arse with food.
      I had full lab work done, both my endocrinologist and my naturopath got the results as I am a long term type 1 diabetic. All is well just need to straighten my head out right now.
      I loved what you said about how animals know to flee when near a threat! I, like you followed my gut as a child/young adult then something changed and I too became “open minded”.
      NEVER AGAIN will I trust an untrustworthy person!
      I have been using the 3 second, first impression rule since reading your post, thank you!



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      • Jan7 says:

        Hi Aware, how are you?

        My ex was the same with food. It seems “food issues” are another thing most sociopaths have in common?!?! My ex used food to control people…he had everyone running around getting him food…he had trained all of us. Even though I picked up on this right from the get go and thought it was crazy behavior with his mom & others, I too became trained by him. UHHH!! So crazy when I look back at his behavior & how I was pushed into catering to him.

        Glad you are taking care of your health. I think after leaving a sociopath taking care of our health is part of the missing link to fully heal. For your type 1 check out the book Eat to Live by Dr Fuhrman and also google his name with the word you tube. He is on PBS often & his PBS specials are on you tube. And his website. Obviously check with a doctor before you change your diet.

        I think that you must remember the wise old saying “trust is earned” when dealing with people out side our inner circle. I had zero trust with my ex from the beginning…they are so masterful at spinning peoples heads way from their gut reaction.

        I have reflected often on “old wise sayings” some are spot on while others are not….I remember saying this one throughout my marriage “actions speak louder then words” as I tried endlessly to figure out my ex h behavior during our marriage as it was an emotional roller coaster daily as you know. I was spot with seeing his crazy behavior & needed to leave everyday. Many many wasted years. 😞

        GUT reaction = only way to react to people & setting strong boundaries and dont budge on them if your gut is telling you not to.

        I also think that it is important to realize that we were brought up with many myths that we should not take at face value i.e. “marriage is hard work” well it’s a hell of a lot of work with a sociopath, with a normal person not so much….”divorce is not an option” to that one I say YES IT IS if you are married to a sociopath!!.

        Hope all is well, Take care.



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  3. slimone says:

    Hi Bev,

    Agreed. I don’t feel sorry for them. Hope I didn’t come across that way. But I do think that this a mental health disease. I know they are not ‘insane’, but I do think they are diseased, in their bodies/minds. I don’t believe they actually could control themselves over the long haul.

    At this point it is pretty clear that no one really knows the medical specifics of this disorder.



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    • Bev says:

      I hear you slim.

      I believe ‘it’ is categorized as a personality disorder, and not a mental illness.

      I am sure the jury is always going to be out on psychopathy/sociopathy.

      I do know that SON was born very different. That is what I know for sure.



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  4. dorothy2 says:

    Lol! I hope they are miserable when they are alone (almost had a twinge of empathy there) but I also think that if they are miserable, it’s a different type of misery than a person who truly feels experiences.
    Everything that they experience is different because they are different and, in my opinion, just doesn’t and can’t translate into a feeling person’s understanding.
    I think the most frequent question that comes to me is “why”? Why would someone DO that? Well it’s a pointless question because even if there is an answer, it wouldn’t make sense! LOLOL. Oh…. the twisted world of Spathdom…



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  5. Aware says:

    Dorothy2,

    OMG I was instantly stunned and infatuated from the minute I saw him, a first for me! Freako lives in his parents basement too! He makes 3 times more than I do but spends it all on fun and games while I pay my own bills, hmmm what a loser. I do feel empathy for him as I feel his parents enabled him all his life and still do at 46 years old.
    How can one learn if there is always someone bailing them out? Sad to me. Mine was the most affectionate man Ive ever known, he is built, beautiful big blue eyes and a construction worker………OMG.
    His family owns the company he”s been working for his entire life and is spoiled beyond words. Freako did have moments of clarity in that he admitted he has tried to live away from his mom but found it hard because she found ways to interfere, even when he was married, his ex wife told his mother she had to call before she just popped in. She even tried giving me her clothes after she compared our size, bodies lol, I declined in a nice way.



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  6. Aware says:

    Bev,
    What you’ve said makes alot of sense to me about your son wanting to be attached at the hip. My ex’s mother told me the reason why they have the same email address is because he wants it that way, hes 46. You also said they need “parental cover” maybe that’s why his mother said “you’ve become me” OMG this is too sad.
    I’m sorry your son is suffering with this personality disorder. What is your take on their hurtful behavior towards self and others? Do they lie for power? I ask this last question because mine lied about trivial things that he wouldn’t gain from.



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    • Bev says:

      My take is that just do what they do to get by in life. Tat means lying, cheating, and manipulating everyone.

      Yes, they do lie even when the truth might even serve them better.

      That is why I cannot have any relationship with these types. How can anyone navigate a pathological liar? You can never trust them at all.

      Tragic for sure.



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