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After a year of No Contact, she saw the sociopath and felt — nothing

 

Pensive Woman In Sweater Sitting On FloorA year ago, Lovefraud posted an email exchange that I had with a reader, whom we called “Alana.”

Alana dated a man who at first love bombed her, was obsessed with her — and then turned ugly. She tried to leave him many times, and he threatened to kill himself. She finally managed to break it off. Then six months later, he sent her an email from a new email address, begging for her to return.

Alana wrote back out of guilt and shame — and then felt sick about it. She asked for reassurance that No Contact was the right approach.

Read the story here:

After 6 months of No Contact, the sociopath wants to begin again

I just heard from Alana again. Here’s her latest email:

It has been a year since I last wrote you. I’ve been strictly following no contact and am doing well. I’d like to give you an update and something interesting happened, I’ve benefited from reading other people’s articles, and I hope someone can benefit from reading my experience.

I ran into the ex after a year of no contact. By no contact I mean zero, I’ve cut him off completely from all forms of communication. After educating myself I’ve come to the conclusions that this person was at best an asshole, but probably a very personality disordered individual and god knows what kind cause it really doesn’t matter.

So back to the run in. I was getting in my car at the mall parking lot. As soon as I got in my car, I noticed a car parked right behind me sideways blocking my exit. I looked hard in the mirror and freaked out for a moment because it looked like his car. He didn’t move, so I had to sit there. Finally he turned into a parking space a few from mine and I thought great, I could escape now. But before I could put on my seatbelt and turn on my car, I saw his car turned around facing me, I was forced to see him if I want to exit.

I want to tell you that I felt nothing when I saw him. In fact, I thought “what a nasty face” and it’s him. So I immediately turn my face away, and I see him driving off. I took the exact opposite direction. And guess what? Somehow he came out at the same exit I was going to and drove right in front me. I had to drive 30 mph to stay behind, and at a yellow light, he could’ve went but he stopped and waited for me at the light. I had to drive up to the stop light, I thought to myself “u know what? I’m a better person than this.” So I briefly said a hi, and as soon as the light turned green I drove off.

He waits for me at the next light! But he was on the turning lane. I was like oh no, this isn’t going to work out like this. So I stopped looking at him even when I drove next to him at the light. And when the light was green, he turned as slow as possible looking at me from the mirror. And I kept driving.

Even tho I was shaken up a bit by the experience, and had a nightmare someone was killing me that same night, I was able to get right back on my feet and quickly recover after 48 hours. I want to tell you that I thought I’d never be over him. I was discouraged after all I learned, and I felt betrayed and hurt by the fact that I was never loved, because love isn’t abuse. This person only abused me and used me. The betrayal is difficult to get past.

But I’m so happy to report that after a year of no contact, I feel great! I will admit that I have bad days still, but very seldom. I’ve realized it’s not the relationship or love I’m grieving, it’s the abuse I’m trying to get over. Seeing this person brought back unpleasant memories, but it was good in a way because I realized I felt nothing for him and would never want to be with a person like him.

However, I now do realize these people are really creepy. I don’t think he drove up to my car at the exact second I got in it and realized it was me. More than likely, he saw my car parked there and probably waited to see me get in my car. During this year of no contact, I have run into him on the road for about 3 times, all in my part of town, which I’ve never seen him on the road the entire 3 years we were together.

This is not love. It’s an issue with control. This person wanted to mess with me still, wanted control back, wanted to see me cry maybe at the sight of him (and hooray! Cause I felt nothing), I want everyone to know this. Because I was in a tough spot when I first realized he never loved me, I didn’t want to believe it. But as hard as the truth is, I accepted it, and I’m still keeping accepting it everyday, and I was able to move on. I feel really good because by doing no contact, I created a beginning for self love and self respect, and I couldn’t be more thankful that during this period, I’ve learned to love myself more than anything (yes, it’s totally fine), to do all things I love (that this person punished me from doing), to make new friends (this person ruined all my friendships and isolated me), to amend relationships with family (this person hated that I talked with mom), I’ve become happy and I’ve become a much better person through this experience.

I’ve benefited so much from reading other people’s article and your advice Donna, I hope this email can shed a light on someone in a bad spot or having a bad day.

Yay, Alana! Good for you. And thank you for being willing to share your story. I’m sure many readers will find it encouraging.

 

 



7 Comments on "After a year of No Contact, she saw the sociopath and felt — nothing"

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  1. stopbuggingme says:

    Yes, thank you for sharing your story. No contact is the most healing. With children more difficult to do. Exposure is down to the minimum and the more time between, the healthier I feel.



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    • kaya48 says:

      I cannot even imagine how to do no contact with minor children. I am no contact now for about 3 years , divorced for 2. We share a child but he is in college and cut off all contact with his evil father.
      Life has become “sane” and peaceful for me. The craziness is gone,no more drama,no more manipulation. I still stay out of the county where my ex husband is a cop, just to avoid situations like the above. And I am sure he would abuse his “cop power ” anyway he could.
      I do not react to any notes of him which he sends through the mail sometimes. I healed and do not even read them anymore. I don’t hate him , I don’t love or miss him. I just feel indifferent. He does not exist except for providing financial spousal support for me. I lived a huge lie for 20 plus years. I lived a nightmare. I don’t feel so much like a victim anymore. I am a survivor. Divorcing him was the best decision I would ever make. Remaining no contact keeps my sanity. His traits and behavior are cast in stone and he will NEVER change no matter who he dates or who he is married to. I never dreamed of getting out of the darkness, I never thought there was light. But now I can see it clearly. The abuse, the lies and betrayals. Some of his young minions can deal with that now. Thank God for good divorce attorneys and great alimony laws here in this beautiful state of Florida. To all here who are struggling with the no contact. “Stay strong and you will come out victorious. “



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  2. salvation2012 says:

    So happy for your stage of recovery! Want to remind ourselves that everyone has their own pace, for some it make take longer than a year and that’s ok. My stages went from fear-anger and sadness-grief-realizing he does not have capacity to love-rejecting that I loved him-embracing that I did give him my heart (that was a tough stage)-to finally seeing it as a part of my life that is over. This has been over 4 years… No contact except for court for the protective orders… Which are now dropped, and I feel safer without them ironically, there is nothing more tying him to me.



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  3. Alana,
    Consider that this might be stalking . The fact that you ran into him three times means he could be following you at times and you don’t even realize it. In fact I’d be almost certain that he is stalkng you, because just running into someone you don’t cut them off in parking spaces and you don’t make sure that you’re next to each other at stoplights. It’s more of a planned Occasion. I think he did drive up to your car the exact second you got in and none of this is coincidental. This is how personality disordered people operate. Consider that he could be dangerous. Please keep the notice of your surroundings and always have your cell phone handy at all times and you might even consider putting a whistle on your keychain that if he ever comes close to you blow that whistle loud and hard. Congratulations on no contact!
    Stay well,
    Hkg



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  4. stronginthecity says:

    Alena,
    Stay strong and continue no contact; you are doing an awesome job!
    Stronginthecity



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  5. jeannie812 says:

    To Alana, after reading post from honestkindgiver I got chill up my spine. Yeah, be careful, the guy seems to be after you.

    My ex is not as obvious as that. Yet, considering we are 5 1/2 years out, he should be done by now. It was just a month ago after seeing each other driving by, or in a public place, he started a rumor in neighborhood saying some guy called him to bitch him out about the way he treated me. It never happened. No one called him. I told my neighborlady, who told me the rumor, that my ex-boyfriend is up to tricks. I have been seeing a guy, and I believe my ex-boyfriend is driving past and is seeing this truck in my driveway. Cause his rumor would never take off IF I wasn’t seeing anyone.

    Some of these guys even if they don’t stick on tight, they stick on just enough to give you a little reminder.



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  6. Chimera says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I especially enjoyed this statement: “I’ve realized it’s not the relationship or love I’m grieving, it’s the abuse I’m trying to get over.” Again—thank you!

    Stay strong and don’t let him get to you! As others have pointed out, however, it does sound like he could be stalking you. Please be careful!

    —Chimera



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