Alana dated a man who at first love bombed her, was obsessed with her — and then turned ugly. She tried to leave him many times, and he threatened to kill himself. She finally managed to break it off. Then six months later, he sent her an email from a new email address, begging for her to return.
Alana wrote back out of guilt and shame — and then felt sick about it. She asked for reassurance that No Contact was the right approach.
Read the story here:
I just heard from Alana again. Here’s her latest email:
It has been a year since I last wrote you. I’ve been strictly following no contact and am doing well. I’d like to give you an update and something interesting happened, I’ve benefited from reading other people’s articles, and I hope someone can benefit from reading my experience.
I ran into the ex after a year of no contact. By no contact I mean zero, I’ve cut him off completely from all forms of communication. After educating myself I’ve come to the conclusions that this person was at best an asshole, but probably a very personality disordered individual and god knows what kind cause it really doesn’t matter.
So back to the run in. I was getting in my car at the mall parking lot. As soon as I got in my car, I noticed a car parked right behind me sideways blocking my exit. I looked hard in the mirror and freaked out for a moment because it looked like his car. He didn’t move, so I had to sit there. Finally he turned into a parking space a few from mine and I thought great, I could escape now. But before I could put on my seatbelt and turn on my car, I saw his car turned around facing me, I was forced to see him if I want to exit.
I want to tell you that I felt nothing when I saw him. In fact, I thought “what a nasty face” and it’s him. So I immediately turn my face away, and I see him driving off. I took the exact opposite direction. And guess what? Somehow he came out at the same exit I was going to and drove right in front me. I had to drive 30 mph to stay behind, and at a yellow light, he could’ve went but he stopped and waited for me at the light. I had to drive up to the stop light, I thought to myself “u know what? I’m a better person than this.” So I briefly said a hi, and as soon as the light turned green I drove off.
He waits for me at the next light! But he was on the turning lane. I was like oh no, this isn’t going to work out like this. So I stopped looking at him even when I drove next to him at the light. And when the light was green, he turned as slow as possible looking at me from the mirror. And I kept driving.
Even tho I was shaken up a bit by the experience, and had a nightmare someone was killing me that same night, I was able to get right back on my feet and quickly recover after 48 hours. I want to tell you that I thought I’d never be over him. I was discouraged after all I learned, and I felt betrayed and hurt by the fact that I was never loved, because love isn’t abuse. This person only abused me and used me. The betrayal is difficult to get past.
But I’m so happy to report that after a year of no contact, I feel great! I will admit that I have bad days still, but very seldom. I’ve realized it’s not the relationship or love I’m grieving, it’s the abuse I’m trying to get over. Seeing this person brought back unpleasant memories, but it was good in a way because I realized I felt nothing for him and would never want to be with a person like him.
However, I now do realize these people are really creepy. I don’t think he drove up to my car at the exact second I got in it and realized it was me. More than likely, he saw my car parked there and probably waited to see me get in my car. During this year of no contact, I have run into him on the road for about 3 times, all in my part of town, which I’ve never seen him on the road the entire 3 years we were together.
This is not love. It’s an issue with control. This person wanted to mess with me still, wanted control back, wanted to see me cry maybe at the sight of him (and hooray! Cause I felt nothing), I want everyone to know this. Because I was in a tough spot when I first realized he never loved me, I didn’t want to believe it. But as hard as the truth is, I accepted it, and I’m still keeping accepting it everyday, and I was able to move on. I feel really good because by doing no contact, I created a beginning for self love and self respect, and I couldn’t be more thankful that during this period, I’ve learned to love myself more than anything (yes, it’s totally fine), to do all things I love (that this person punished me from doing), to make new friends (this person ruined all my friendships and isolated me), to amend relationships with family (this person hated that I talked with mom), I’ve become happy and I’ve become a much better person through this experience.
I’ve benefited so much from reading other people’s article and your advice Donna, I hope this email can shed a light on someone in a bad spot or having a bad day.
Yay, Alana! Good for you. And thank you for being willing to share your story. I’m sure many readers will find it encouraging.