If you’re involved with a sociopath, narcissist or other disordered individual, there comes a time when they attack.
The love bombing has stopped — maybe ages ago. They are through with you, or sense that you are through with them. They either regard you with contempt, or are furious that you figured them out and had the audacity to leave.
They start sending nasty text messages and emails. Here’s one that Tina Swithin, author of The Narc Decoder, received from her ex-husband while they were in the midst of a custody battle over their two daughters:
Tina – The most tragic part is what you are doing and have done to damage the girls. You will have men you date screw you over after they use for a few months. That’s all you are good for. When you remarry, the next guy will cheat on you. 58% of men cheat and you are attracted to that type. Good luck with your life – Seth
In the beginning, you want to scream from the rooftops, “That’s not true! I’ve done everything I can to love, protect and nurture our children. And are you calling me a slut? I am not a slut!”
But Tina advises that you restore your sanity and sense of self by learning how to decode the messages.
Narcissists, she says, typically engage in projection. When they accuse you of something, it’s because they’re doing it. Or they want to tear you down in order to boost their fragile egos.
In The Narc Decoder, Tina translates a slew of messages from her ex, so you can learn to interpret the outrageous messages that you receive from the sociopath in your life. According to Tina, here’s what the above message really means:
Tina – The most tragic part is what I have done to you and the girls. I am moving on and will begin screwing women and dumping them as soon as they catch wind of who I am. My goal is to dump them before they dump me because my ego can only handle so much! I hate the fact that you are capable of moving on and learning from your experiences with me. The thought of you meeting a normal man and having a healthy relationship eats at me every day and every night. I want you to fail miserably at everything including future relationships. This way, I can blame you for the demise of every relationship you have — including ours. — Seth
Understanding what the narcissist really said means you can keep yourself from becoming upset.
“Once you understand how to use the Narc Decoder, your life will change for the better,” Tina writes. “You will become empowered and will regain your voice. Over time, you will begin to find humor in the communications style that once left you on your knees begging for mercy.”
In The Narc Decoder, Tina also offers incredibly valuable advice from the trenches about how to communicate with a narcissist with a few simple rules.
The first rule is, do not engage.
Narcissists get high on provoking a reaction in you. When you react, it’s like providing the drug that they crave. So no matter what they do, the best thing you can do is not react.
If what they’ve done requires a response — for example, returning your child four hours late from visitation — the response should be cool, calm and businesslike. Take the actions you need to take, but do not react emotionally — at least not in front of the narcissist.
Tina’s book is full of helpful advice, especially for anyone who is trying to co-parent with a narcissist, sociopath, or other disordered individual. If your head is spinning due to the unfounded accusations and contemptuous statements your ex sends your way, take control. In The Narc Decoder, Tina Swithin tells you how.
The Narc Decoder — Understanding the Language of the Narcissist is available on Amazon.com.
Tina provided Lovefraud with two extra copies of The Narc Decoder. We’ll send them to the first two people who ask for them. Just send an email to donna at lovefraud.com. Include your mailing address. This offer is for US addresses only.
UPDATE: The free copies are claimed. Thanks for your interest.