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By April 21, 2016 10 Comments Read More →

Sociopaths and forced teaming – ‘we’re in this together’

Husband Liar SociopathBy O.N. Ward

Every week, a chapter of my book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the link at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 2: Please Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

This probably sounds like the beginning of a love story, a second chance for two people moving on after unsuccessful first marriages. That is how I viewed it at the time, but I was wrong. I would not figure it out for twenty years, but the man to whom I was so attracted was, and is, a sociopath. Already, he was using techniques predators have used throughout time to get their victims to trust and fall in love with them, paving the way for future erosion and exploitation.

Although anyone can become the target of a sociopath, those of us who are empathetic, kind, and trusting are especially good targets, because we are less likely to understand that evil people exist aside from malevolent historical figures and violent criminals. In a sea of competitive MBA students, I was the one always wanting to help and to play nice. I tutored struggling classmates for free and ran study sessions in my areas of expertise—marketing and advertising. If someone was bullied by another student, I offered a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear. Everyone knew I was happy to lend others my notes. To a well-camouflaged sociopath like Paul, it must have been as if I was screaming, “Pick me!”

In his bestseller, The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence, fear, danger, and risk expert Gavin de Becker describes how “forced teaming” creates vulnerability, because it manufactures the view that “we’re in this together.” Forced teaming (acting as if two or more people are part of a team, when, in fact, they are not) produces the illusion of common goals where none really exist, weakens interpersonal barriers, and facilitates unwarranted trust.

Conmen and others who would do harm use forced teaming to get potential victims to lower their defenses. If forced teaming is effective, any self-respecting sociopath knows how to take advantage of an actual team that requires shared time, experiences, and objectives, such as the simulated business team to which Paul and I were assigned. Is it any surprise that groups such as AA report that some individuals join their organization simply to prey on vulnerable members?

Once the opportunity arises, Paul and fellow sociopaths are skilled at fabricating personal qualities and details of their past and present as well as aspirations for their future to lure potential victims by pretending to be “just like them.” Hence, as I did, those targeted by sociopaths often feel an immediate and strong attraction to the sociopath and believe they have found their soul mate. Be warned: A sense of instant compatibility and attraction may be a sign you have met your soul mate, but it may also be a sign you are being targeted by a sociopath. Damn those romantic novels and movies that make us believe an immediate spark heralds true love! Maybe it does, but maybe it is a harbinger of something far more nefarious.

The more a sociopath already knows about you (and he will gather information for this purpose, whether from you, your friends, your family, the Internet, or anywhere else he can find it), the better a sociopath can craft a personality, history, and personal goals tailored to entrap you. Before I knew who Paul really was, he used the information I had divulged so willingly and trustfully to morph into my perfect boyfriend—altruistic, athletic, grounded, and intellectually vibrant.

The best lies take root from seeds of truth. Paul had been married briefly to Jenny, and his description of his marriage and divorce were heartbreaking. Eliciting sympathy and pity is another common tactic sociopaths use to ensnare their victims—a horrible ex-spouse or ex-partner (a favorite ploy), a profound betrayal, a painful childhood, a boss who never appreciated him, or other personal hurts (e.g., always being picked last for teams in grade school). They do this because, if you feel sorry for a person and if you feel he has revealed something personal to you, you are more likely to connect with him emotionally, reveal your own personal hurts and sensitivities (which can be used to exploit and manipulate you later on), and do things for that person that you would not do if your feelings were not as strong.

According to Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, pity is a key weapon in the sociopath’s arsenal, one that is particularly effective on compassionate people who have great empathy for others. If the storyteller is a sociopath, the sad tale being spun is laced with purposeful emphases and embellishments to get you to lower your guard, to offer information that can be used against you, and to develop a strong affinity for the sociopath. Sociopaths use this tactic because it works.

While Paul’s story about Jenny’s betrayal brought me close to tears, the real story was, and is, truly heartbreaking—for Jenny, that is. Two decades later, while purging old files in preparation to downsize after my divorce from Paul, I stumbled across a file on Paul’s divorce from Jenny. That, combined with the family lore about this relationship, put their marriage into an entirely different light.

When Jenny was just eighteen years old and a freshman at Stanford University, she fell so head over heels in love with Paul (then a senior) that they got engaged. She left Stanford to follow Paul to his first job in Connecticut. Her grandfather, who was funding her Stanford education, disapproved of Jenny getting married so young and refused to continue paying for college if Jenny left Stanford to marry Paul. Poof! There went Jenny’s funding from her grandfather. Poof! There went her Stanford education! Before starting her sophomore year in a nearby, convenient university, nineteen-year-old Jenny married Paul. Both she and Paul signed for the sizeable loans she needed now to complete her education.

To pave the way for success, Paul logged long hours at work and traveled extensively for “business” (or so the story went), and so he was rarely home. Jenny had sacrificed everything for Paul but was getting almost nothing positive back, not even her new husband’s company. Now, away from her family and married, while most students her age were single, she was isolated and alone. It must have been emotionally devastating. Not that I am justifying her alleged affair, but I can understand how a young, vulnerable, lonely teenager, separated from family and friends, would turn to another human being for the warmth and companionship she expected but was not getting from her husband. When Paul discovered her alleged affair, they separated.

In Connecticut, far away from her family, who were on the west coast, Jenny was alone—a college student with no money to hire a lawyer. In many states, it is customary to split all of the marital debt and assets between both parties. Jenny’s student loans were acquired as Paul’s wife, so it was their debt, not hers alone. Yet, the documents I discovered showed that Jenny agreed to be solely responsible for all of her student debt. That was her repayment for giving up her Stanford education and family funding!

Paul walked away from the marriage with their fancy sports car (that he alone would be able to afford after the divorce), their dog, no student debt, and the beginning of a fruitful career that he would leverage into a successful application to Yale’s MBA program. Jenny left the divorce a financial and emotional wreck. I’m not sure the real story warrants a lot of sympathy for Paul. In fact, it is even possible that Paul is the one who had the affair and that Jenny left him. I know now that Paul is an adulterer and a chronic liar who accuses others of his own unsavory behavior. Either way, Paul emerged unscathed with a story of heartbreak he could leverage into attracting his next target—me.

Start from the beginning:

Chapter 1

Go to next chapter:

Chapter 3

Notes

Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.



10 Comments on "Sociopaths and forced teaming – ‘we’re in this together’"

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  1. Bev says:

    Boy, I LOVE your writing.

    It is like going to an EXCELLENT and riveting movie…and not being able to wait for the next scene…like sitting on the edge of my seat!

    This ploy, used by SPs, using pity and hard luck is uncanny. I am sure it is 100% in all SPs’ arsenals.

    My SP son uses it on EVERYONE. What a bad childhood he had (he didn’t)…with terrible parents (we weren’t)…he even did that as a very young child. He constantly played the sympathy card on everyone and anyone! It was unbelievable, really, to watch it. He knew, even as a young child, that was the way to get through his life. Using the emotions of the empathetic.

    Now, as an almost 35 year old man, he still does this. To EVERYONE. That is how he roped his ex, my DIL, in. She is a true empath, having worked with young natives, helping them in their lives.

    Thank goodness she is free of him now, except for the children…



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  2. Rosie Jackson says:

    They can start “teams” but are not ever able to be a team player. In the role of “team leader” they’re controlling, abusive, manipulative and always out for themselves. Their “teams” eventually, and always, mutiny against them. This happens just as soon as the “team” gets wise to their true “game”.
    Luckily, not all of us are (pitiful and self-proclaimed) “sociopukes” = Mark
    my words!



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  3. I WIN says:

    Good lord Jesus in heaven; were you married to Mark Ledden too? The ex-spouse story reeled me into my spath destruction as well. He told me she cheated on him with another guy and got pregnant by him and left him to be with this other guy. he was on probation when I met him (idiot me for not digging deeper), because, as he told me, he got drunk one night with some buddies and beat this other guy up. Who wouldn’t believe that story? Found out AFTER I was nearly murdered in getting a phone # for ex-wife #2 that he had in fact KIDNAPPED her off the street AT KNIFEPOINT and held her hostage in their home for over 48 hrs (on coke I assume); once he finally crashed, she was able to run for help. He didn’t stab her but he beat her/cut her.

    Holy Shit; wow, I need to read your entire book.



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  4. elizabethbrooks says:

    I once read that they “interview” you. As you refer to here. Mine sure did. The first time he called me, we talked for 3 hours. He learned everything he could about me. Soon after, I had the feeling that we’d grown up just the same way… parents married for a long time, happy families, etc. In fact, my mother was warm and kind, and his was hateful and abusive. I didn’t catch that problem… I was only 22. After discovering what a con man I was married to, in year 24, I realized how he had interviewed me and lovebombed me. He was textbook.

    One of the phrases I read, that has stuck with me like glue, is “They mold themselves to be your perfect person.” What an understatement! As Onna has seen, also.

    My counselor said, “Be prepared you will be replaced at lightning speed.” It was 6 days. The day I ended the marriage, he was shopping online that evening. By Day 6, he’d secured the next one. She was very wealthy. Also physically, she was the exact opposite of everything he’d claimed to like. In the last few months of the marriage, he’d become a very rage-filled person (no doubt, enraged that I’d discovered he was a total fraud, and enraged that he was having to behave).

    My counselor said his extensive history of prostitute use revealed a deep hatred of women. It appeared that this new woman, “Laura,” was a target of his hatred. She had a big nose (which he’d always claimed to not like), was overweight, and was loud and abrasive.

    Their relationship became violent, and she nearly killed him, hospitalizing him. I was told her dad ended it with threats to my ex. (I’m trying not to type “couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy” at this point.)

    All of a sudden they were finished, she was moved about 12 hours away, and he was with a new woman, who looked almost identical to Laura.

    The lovebombing and interviewing are what struck me to comment. 🙂 Great book!



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    • elizabethbrooks says:

      Ooops, I meant to add…. A week or so after I ended the marriage, ex and I were moving some furniture around, and I happened to have to drive his car from one place to another. In the car, I found a “Laura List.” A full sheet of notebook paper, actually labelled at the top, “Laura List” with little hearts and smiley faces. It was in Laura’s writing, and was a numbered list of about 50 items that Laura loved. Her perfume, her lap dogs, hobbies, dreams, etc. It was clear that my ex had told her to write a Laura List! His technique for interviewing her, so he could gain control.



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  5. Michele369 says:

    Has anyone had the experience of their children being turned against them, the claim of being abused by the protective parent and not the one who was doing the abusing?

    My daughter just did that to the GAL and CASA after she got put on prozac (she was cutting and had to be admitted to a psych hospital 2 days after she was told they were moving and the house was being sold) and then started saying all sorts of things about me that she had seen spath do to her brother and me. She was never the target as far as I knew. I had to stand in between son and spath to prevent the abuse. Spath knew I would have killed him if he touched me, but I did not realize that I needed to kill him just to keep my kids from having their minds twisted 3 years into the divorce.

    Is it possible for the spath to twist the kids and have them say things that are not true, like when they would spout stuff they were being told or heard like a tape recorder. ?



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  6. Michele369 says:

    GAL did no research, no verification on whether I was telling the truth, just worried about getting spath back with his kids. Now that daughter is opening up with the prozac and spouting things about me that the spath did, I have lost both children. What can I do? I have seen and read the horror stories of losing their children forever.



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    • NoMoreWool says:

      Think about the horrors the spath put you through. Now imagine you are a defenseless child predisposed to love your parent. What kid has the strength to withstand that? You may be lucky enough to have the spath misstep and prove your case for you. Otherwise you have to decide in your given situation whether the better course is to fight or take a strategic retreat and see what happens. Neither choice is easy. [[[hugs]]]



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