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By March 24, 2016 17 Comments Read More →

Sociopaths: Setting The Stage For Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Behavior

Dr J. - Hr. H.

Below is an edited excerpt from my book that spotlights how my ex-husband’s, subtle, consistent, insidious devaluation of me throughout or marriage helped set the stage for his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior.

Devaluing Everyday Tasks

One of “Paul’s” favorite chronic erosion techniques was to devalue the need to do a task. If I went ahead and did the job, he showed no appreciation. Instead, he ridiculed me, because the task was clearly unnecessary. This technique not only got him off the hook, it had the added bonus of devaluing much of what I did.

Help mop up the basement? Just turn on a dehumidifier. Help shovel snow? His car could easily plow through it. Why did I even need to leave the house today, anyway? Help clean up the house before guests came over? It looked clean enough to Paul. Pick up cough drops for the kids? They didn’t seem all that sick, and I was just being an over-protective parent. Insist that Paul pick up cough drops? I can be sooooo controlling. It was a win-win for Paul and a lose-lose for me.

No Longer Able To See The Forest For The Trees

If Paul had done this to me early in our relationship, I probably would have left. But I had grown used to being dismissed and minimized, so I could no longer see the forest for the trees.

My perspective had become so warped; it was as if I was clinging to a branch that was so small I couldn’t even see the tree in which I was trapped, non the less see the surrounding forest.

Lacking a big picture perspective, was I going to divorce my husband just because he wouldn’t pick up cough drops at the store or clear his plate or put his socks in the hamper when he was (apparently) working past midnight every night and throughout the weekends to provide for our family?

Once They’ve Hooked You, Sociopaths Invest Minimally In Relationships

Once sociopaths have you hooked, they invest as little as possible in maintaining the pretense of normalcy, and their true, uncaring, selfish selves become more apparent. Given all the manipulative techniques the sociopath has unleashed over the years, the sociopath’s victim is well trained to accept his or her toxic life, too exhausted to resist and all too practiced at rationalizing the sociopathic partner’s behavior without even knowing he or she is doing it.

Attending a teacher conference, helping with “Daniel’s” physical therapy, and taking “Jessica” to a sports practice or music rehearsal were all way too pedestrian for Paul.

Yet, while playing less and less of a role with Daniel and Jessica, devaluing my volunteering efforts in any arena (“They’ll never appreciate your effort—why are you bothering?”), scolding me for helping the kids with homework (“You’re too involved. Let them figure it out themselves.”), spending too much time with them (“I can’t believe you guys are watching those stupid science shows again. Oh, just kidding!”), or getting after me about my work (“Why are you bothering to work anymore? I’m making enough money.”), if we were in front of Paul’s family or my family, he treated me like a princess.

The Good-Guy Persona For Adoring Fans

When his family came to visit, Paul made amazing dinners, cleared the table, washed and put away the dishes, put out the trash, and was affectionate to me as if we were giddy teenage heartthrobs.

Early in our relationship, I was thrilled to have a break from being the one accountable for everything around the house and gladly relaxed as I chatted with his family while Paul cooked.

Paul gently rebuffed all of my offers to help, creating the impression he was a caring, accommodating, and truly wonderful husband.

Warning! Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior is characteristic of sociopaths. The reason is obvious now that I know who and what Paul is. The nice behavior was all show, and he didn’t bother with the show when alone with the kids and me. He already had me in his pocket and so eroded that I no longer trusted my ability to perceive accurately and to have feelings that made sense. However, he had to maintain the charade of being a great guy in front of the other people he needed in his life.

Not Knowing About Sociopaths, I Ask The Wrong Questions

For someone who was brought up to be helpful and to please other people, the contrast between Paul’s private and public behavior did not trigger the question, “I wonder if Paul is a sociopath?” Instead, it kept triggering the very self-destructive thought, Paul is so nice to other people and can be so nice and considerable and loving to me some of the time. So what am I doing wrong most of the time?

It would take me several more years to understand that I was being played. It was that simple. The “nice” Paul was not real and never had been.

Notes

My own cautionary tale of unwittingly investing almost twenty years of my life into a relationship with a sociopath and sometimes diverting from the best path, is chronicled in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com, just click on title above). As I don’t get a “do over,” hopefully some of my painful lessons can help others impacted by these toxic people.

 Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.



17 Comments on "Sociopaths: Setting The Stage For Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Behavior"

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  1. Every now and again I read an article on this website that just so resonates with me and here’s another one. I want to tell you something down with that2: my former spouse and I were fairly athletic. He often wanted to do swims… Open water swims. We live in the San Francisco Bay area and one of the swims that’s common to do but very challenging is called the Alcatraz challenge. You take a barge out to Alcatraz Island. And you swim to shore, about a mile and a half. I trained very hard for this he often acted like will do this “together.” Now mind you I knew and had enough sense that in these kinds of things you have to rely on yourself . But when we jumped off the barge he was slightly in front of me and he turned around and looked at me and the look in his eyes just said you’re on your own. I don’t exactly know how to explain it, but it had a cruelty to it. That was getting toward the end of when I knew I really couldn’t take being around him much longer and I knew he didn’t have my back for sure. And I thought I can’t go into old age with somebody who when I might be the vulnerable one has no concern for me . Done done with him. The kids tell me he just had surgery for cancer



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    • DoneWithThat2 says:

      Honestkindgiver, I have walked in your shoes. You were more awake than I and realized on your own that you needed to leave, that he wasn’t someone you could grow old with. I had to be told, but once I was told, I did see it. I am so glad you got away from him. I am in that process now.

      It is in the eyes, isn’t it? How many times I have looked in his eyes and and they were blank mirrors. He was scanning me for the response he believed would be what I want. What makes us human? Isn’t it our empathy, our ability to give of our heart and be truly present for another? Certainly, it makes us humane. Who knew that there were people who were not complete people out in the every day world? Pretenders, actors, con men/women. Why aren’t we told this early on?

      I watched the new movie Brooklyn the other day. In it is the perfect example of a Spath. The lady who owns the store the Alish works in. I won’t give it away, but she is a sight to behold. I am sure everyone on this site has at one time, met this woman. And Alish’s mother. You know, I used to think that Cinderella’s step-mother was mean because she was a step-mother. Now I know she was mean because she was a narcissist.

      And yet I remember that all of this serves me in some way. Understanding the truth about the reality I have been living is painful but liberating. I know and can feel that I moving closer to the reality that I prefer. One where people are empathic, gentle and kind. That is what we all deserve. To receive back what we give.



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  2. emkay61 says:

    I too am one who put up with a Narc/Psyco-Sociopath for far too many years in marriage (15). Then it took almost 10 more to realize that he was much worse than just a mean person. Still trying to heal.
    I truly appreciated this comment from the article: “Given all the manipulative techniques the sociopath has unleashed over the years, the sociopath’s victim is well trained to accept his or her toxic life, too exhausted to resist and all too practiced at rationalizing the sociopathic partner’s behavior without even knowing he or she is doing it.”



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  3. firstvictim says:

    I love this website. I wish it had been around when I was with my husband. I knew something wasn’t right but couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it was me. I tried everything to be the perfect wife. I worked out at the gym, etc. while being a mom and employed full time. I was still devalued and compared to his many extramarital lovers. Looking back, I see he had some very serious problems. I ask myself, “What kind of person would do that?!!” He lied about paying the bills (using my credit cards as well as his many girlfriends’ cards to finance his escapades). He was with a 16 year old AND her mom. He had women in the house while I was at work, etc. etc. He didn’t pay taxes (we were filing separating after the first year) and the IRS garnished MY wages for over $10,000. I’m just appalled that he got away with so much moral turpitude. He seems to be fooling the world, though and still charming everyone around him. He is working out at the gym with the pastor of the largest church in his area. He lives 20 min away from our children and grandchildren in a million dollar house with his new family. Life is perplexing, but know it will all catch up to him someday. I don’t warn people any more because he has convinced everyone (even our children somewhat) that I’m the one with the problem.



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