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Living in Secret with the Sociopath

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are Things Really What We Think They Are?

Things aren’t always what they seem, that’s for sure. And sometimes things aren’t always what they seem when they are right in your face. People can’t really be persuaded, even if something is right in their face.

For whatever their reasons are, people have to come to their own conclusions about things. And most of the time it’s difficult for family and friends to watch someone they love continue in a path that is harmful to them.

Living In Secret

Those of us who fall into the victim category, well, we live in secret. We live in secret about what is really going on for a lot of reasons. We are in denial of our own circumstances even though we know what we know.

I personally knew for a long time something was wrong, something was strange, something was “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I couldn’t make sense of it. It was bizarre at times. I had to ask myself if what I thought I was seeing, I was really seeing.

Of course, the convincing manipulation of the sociopath will successfully pursuade you that what you are seeing is not what you think it is, but it is in fact, all made up in your head. This is where the mind games begin. These are the early stages.

Why Do We Stay Quiet?

There comes a point in time where you begin to feel embarrassed about having put yourself in the situation that you are now in, while at the same time you really have no clue what kind of situation you have put yourself in. But you keep it to yourself. Why? I don’t really know.

I never told anyone about anything. I guess I didn’t really know what to do with it; I didn’t know what to make of it. Am I talking about the shadows he lived in? Yes. Am I talking about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome? Yes. Am I talking about the pathological lying? Yes. Am I talking about the complete disregard for me as a human? Yes. Am I talking about the emptiness and inability of that person to be able to feel anything? Yes. Am I talking about the twisted manipulation to make you think you were loved? Yes.

And yes to a lot more things that we know aren’t normal, we know aren’t right. Yet we live in secret as we sink further and further into confusion, then frustration, then despair, and ultimately complete rage.

Looking Back

If I had to look back, I knew that there was infidelity for sure when I was pregnant with my first child. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it was continuing for years after that as well.

I remember walking through the pet store pushing the basket reflecting on what I knew that I knew. I knew how difficult it was going to be to leave. I told myself, “I’m just going to leave it like this for right now, I just don’t have the energy to fight this right now.” And then I began to take those thoughts and cover over them, for years.

Dangerous Territory

And you know what? This is the scariest part of this whole thing: By the time you realize what you have gotten yourself into, you are too destroyed and depressed to have the engery to get yourself out.

It is a combination of an act of God himself, a small spark of a human drive to survive, and a little push from a few outsiders that love you, to get you to the point of even having the ability to make a decision to remove yourself from the insanity.

Our Own Personal Fight

But until then, you are in secret. A volcano ready to erupt. A quiet, secret volcano. A rumbling in your spirit begins to steam out the top; lava starts to ooze out and rush down the sides, buring everything in it’s path and then, the explosion. This is road that is ahead of us that live in secret. We must make a decision to make a decision.



34 Comments on "Living in Secret with the Sociopath"

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  1. catnoch says:

    Brilliant! Yet another aspect of living with a sociopath. Silence has become golden for me. I don’t have to listen to anyone telling me I am with a loser anymore. When they ask now, I only talk good things. Yes, there are good times when he is sweet, caring, loving and thoughtful. However, this very complexed individual has a side to him that is beyond anything I have ever encountered in my life.

    Because I have studied psychology I find myself analyzing him and trying to make sense with hopes to perhaps change him. I am not sure why I am so drawn to him as he has nothing other to offer than himself. He came to me under false pretenses and still when I learned all were lies I continued to be with him. I know he probably approached me as the lonely widow and what he could possibly extract from me. He has gotten a lot in some respects, but I am more clever than that. I have gotten some of my needs fulfilled, however it came with a price. His temperament, demanding ways and controlling nature has road me hard at times. The situation is more complexed than I care to elaborate at this time, however, I am looking at my personality as well and realizing no one has ever ruled me. I grew up basically raising myself since age 6 as my mother worked and and when she was not working, she was out. For the most part I was free as a bird to come and go as I pleased. Therefore in my two marriages, my both husbands had little control over me. I find it ironic at this stage of my life that I allow this man to control me.

    It has taken me over a year to figure this relationship out and I am still not one hundred percent sure where it will take me. I want to believe somewhere in this man is a heart and what he tells me he believes to be true. I know sociopaths are narcissistic, selfish and cunning. My biological father was one and he basically ruined it for my sister and I because our mother never got over him. How my step-Dad tolerated it is beyond me? I am learning there is a soft side to this man and I believe he possesses the ability to be empathic at times. However, for the most part it is all about what he needs. He is moody and I am learning it may be because of his diet. He is slender, but he drinks way too much caffeine, soda and eats far too much starch along with many sweets. I question if he is diabetic? If he is, this would account for the terrible mood swings. I first thought it was bipolar disorder, I am now believing it is the sugar.

    I have a lot of time on my hands because I am caregiver to my elderly mother and probably have had a life that most people dream about. My situation is not unique, however since I have been there and have had that, there is no man that can do for me or love me like my deceased husband. In some respects I believe I have taken on a project. I just pray this project yields some positive results.

    Good luck to you all! Stay strong!



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    • still waiting to get my lifeback says:

      Catnoch

      Follow your gut feelings, you found this site for a reason. It’s impossible to believe these type of people exists but they do. Continue to read all the resources here that Donny offers. Also, you should check out youtube videos by assc direct. The way he explains the narc personality is straight forward and you will better understand who and what you are dealing with. He has about 16 now they are really great for helping with cognitive dissonance. Good Luck



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      • catnoch says:

        Sill waiting:
        Thank you so much for your input. I will check out the videos as you suggested. This is another off week with SP. He is hounding me to help him buy a car. This has been going on since last Sept. Just when I think I put this nonsense to bed it begins up again. I told him no so he will be punishing me once again. By punishing me I mean not spending time with me or ignoring me. I am beginning to understand his personality and what triggers it.

        His other relationships resulted in him getting these woman to buy him or give him a car. I suppose this is his MO. Ask me why I am still with him, I will tell you because he makes me happy most times. But, he can also be a lot of work with his manipulating ways. Also because losing my husband I suppose was so painful, the thought of losing someone again right now is too much for me to handle. I am also looking at an elderly mother who could pass very soon. She could also surprise me and out live me lol! She is 90.

        My gut tells me somewhere in there is a man that cares for me. But my gut also tells me he will never be 100% the person he should be or could be. For now I will continue the ride, but if it gets too rocky or rough I will get off this merry-go-round.

        Thanks again.



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        • still waiting to get my lifeback says:

          Catnoch

          I say this with love. You are only prolonging the pain. We are people with so much empathy it’s to a fault. They are masters at what they do. That’s why we fail victim to them especially when there are other factors going on in our life like an ailing family member. I pray your mom health improves you are going to need all your strength and sanity to deal with her. Deep down inside of him is nothing but a empty soul. They make us feel good , but it’s not real it’s like loving a plant and expecting it to love us back. It’s so very hard but you can do it.The car is so he can go out with a bang. Once he gets it you may never hear from him again. I was like you , they way he touched me his attentiveness made me feel so special. But it was all fake a fraud. Punishment, yes he will play the take away game. Completely ignore you for rejecting him. Remember it’s all about him. Please try to view a few of the videos tonight. View the one why they will never change and the take away game they play. I know from experience my loneliness and other stressful events would send me running back only to return worst than before.Good Luck hun



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          • catnoch says:

            Lovefraud Today at 6:23 AM
            Everything you have said is so true and completely accurate. This situation is the most convoluted mess one could ever get themselves into. This man is married to a woman who allows him to spend almost all his free time with me. She calls him while he is in my bed to wake him up for work. I know I am just as sick as they are for allowing myself to be taken in by all of this.

            Last night he pushed my emotions to the edge only to return to acting like he loves me and trying to show me affection after pushing me the limit. Something comes over me that I cannot control when the thought of him never coming back hits me. I am ashamed to say I fall for his crap over and over because of sheer loneliness. This week was a bad week as it was my husband’s birthday and I suppose my emotions are high. I looked him in the eye and told him he has no soul or heart and did not know what the hell I was doing with him. He does not care what names I call him or what I say to him unless he wants to use it as a way to manipulate. i did watch the video on the narcissist. I am aware he is narcissistic, a sociopath, perhaps bipolar and a few other things sprinkled in. I know I am a glutton for punishment.

            I have decided to downsize my home and the development where I found this house to build is perhaps a mile away from where he lives. His daughter in law informed me she is looking to move in the fall, so by the time this house is built he will be far from that neighborhood I am sure. It works out good for me with respect it will be closer to the city and close to much activity including the best hospitals in the world.

            A few weeks ago I was just about making progress and broke up with him for the umpteenth time. I knew better than to go to a particular place but my friend said oh you can’t let him keep you from going to certain places. I knew she was wrong but I weakened and as this gentleman was speaking to me, sp came up to us and ask the man if I had told him that he was my boyfriend for the last year. He then like a child would poke me on my shoulder each time he would pass by. Then when the gentleman went to the rest room, sp came over and started berating me for speaking to another man. I explained we were split up. I then told the bartender to ask him to leave me alone as he was harassing me and he quickly move away. I don’t remember how we got back together again, but I am sure it involved his suave talking and begging. It was three weeks of peace and quiet and a totally different man when this car business came up again.

            He has no qualms telling me of the different women he has had in the past who provided him with a car. His last girlfriend told me she had bought him a car and that he had made payments to her. He admitted to me that she forgave most of the loan when she turned over the title to him for his birthday last year. Funny I thought he was not seeing her last year. She was with him for 8 years. I have been kind enough when I broke up with him to give her advice and I can’t take my own.

            I have a good friend who knows me well. She knows the type of lifestyle I had when my husband was on top of his game. She knows I never allowed anyone to rule me and she believes when I have had enough I will cut him loose so fast he won’t know what hit him.

            My phone hardly rings anymore because everyone knows he is with me on the weekend. But, there were also times when I was very lonely and my phone also did not ring because everyone else had a life.

            For the last ten years my life has not been my own. I had to think long and hard about this move and I believe it is what I need. Although I made this a lovely home, there has not been real happiness here and way too many bad memories.

            This past weekend SP helped with some jobs around the house including fixing my fence. He has detailed my car and helps with other maintenance jobs around the house. Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend. I feel like I should reward him for his deeds. But, I reward him enough.

            The next few days will be interesting as he is hot on the trail for this car. I am not buying him a car, nor am I co-signing. He is going to be very disappointed. His birthday is on March 3rd. I told him the other day I was not going to supply him with funds for a new car. He is so out of his mind because his family (who may just be gypsies) are pushing him to get me to buy another car. The first car I got him last year by filling out the paperwork for him as he does not have a good command of English, and he may very well be dyslectic. (Your head must be spinning by now.) He was able to secure a loan on his own even with his bad credit.

            I know I am prolonging the agony, but I am just not ready to cut him loose. I know the day is coming soon. Thanks for your kind words. I pray for strength each and everyday.

            Regards,

        • still waiting to get my lifeback says:

          Catnoch,

          It’s very important to be brutally honest with yourself about the feelings, actions, and consequences that comes from disordered people. You are definetly on to healing. Yourfriend says she know you well and knows you will dump him soon. The only problem with that is they take from us what we would call logical thinking. We stay in constance cognitive dissonance while with them and afterwards. The longer we stay no contact the fog starts to lift and we are able to think clearly again. Our hearts tell us it’s all wrong this person doesn’t give a crap. But, our mind is so messed because of the games the spath like to play we become stuck. Sorry, about your husband I know it must be hard. About the phone ringing mind may ring twice a day. Lol, the spath would call all day. I loved the attention that was part of the lovebombing stage. I have pretty much cut myself off from the world due to embarrassment and also. I found the friends I had in the past was almost as worst than the spath. Their loyalty ended when I could longer provide for them emotionally. Feed their ego, support them in their new endeavors. I needed the same but it wasn’t reciprocal. If you can get your mind to line up with your heart you will be fine. I received invaluable advice on here from strong in the city, and so many other wonderful women it’s amazing. I first found this site around August 2015. I was coming out of a relationship with an spath that was on and off for 3 years. I had never on life experience anything like this before. I was in a Physical Abusive relationship for 10 years. The emotional pain was much worst. During the Abusive relationship I was stab, broken nose and eye socket the worse. The spath mess with your mental psyche which last longer can could cause more damage to you mentally. The spath that lead me here was always doing things around my house as well. Everyone I called he came running his sole purpose seemed to just please me. The first discard was the worst left me begging and crying for him to come back. His fake self was to be my saviour he’s an habitual liar and cheater. I would even ?? When does he have time to cheat? He would disappear for a few days and return. We didn’t live together he rented a small house in my community. I have been no contact now for almost 5 months. I met another a few months back, we’ll I have known him about a year. He’s the textbook definition of a narcissist. He’s smart, funny, manipulating and performs for the crowd and cameras. Behind the scenes he’s a cold calculated monster. Super cocky, I knew what he was right off and felt that would work to my advantage it sort of helped. I wasn’t using my heart but trying to control the situation with my mind. (Lost) so now a couple weeks of no contact. I should have known better is what I keep telling myself. Also, women on here warned me to follow my gut. I wish I would have followed their advice. God Bless you



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          • catnoch says:

            Still waiting:
            Thanks for the kind words of wisdom. I am so stubborn and often my own worst enemy. I now have a situation with this car business and he truly believes I am stupid enough to give him cash to buy another car. I will not and he is in for a rude awakening come this Friday. I am not going to break it off, I am going to be smart about it. I know this behavior and I know he will try to play me like a fiddle as he has already changed his personality today because I said I was in touch with a car dealership and have done the preliminary leg work. I have told the salesman I have no intention of cosigning or helping with a deposit and my only role is to assist in the paperwork. When this occurs and he learns I am not going to give up any cash he will drop me like a hot potato.

            I am getting very tired of his games and the constant feeling of upset and being on edge. The more I gave the more he wants but I am not giving cash. I have a speech prepared and he is not going to like it.

            It is really a pity that so many of the SP’s exist and they cannot be cured. It is truly mind boggling.

            Again thanks and all the luck to you as well.

        • still waiting to get my lifeback says:

          Catnoch,
          I hope stringing him alone like you are going to help him get a car will send him running for the hills. Once he’s out spend it will allow you time to heal. You may feel lonely but you can do it. I am sure his wife is planning a exit plan I am sure he’s telling her he leave you after he get the car. He is a very sick person. I can’t believe his wife calls your house to wake him up. I am praying for you.



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  2. Trinny says:

    An act of God, a small exhausted part of my spirit and the acts of loving friends were the final stages of my 20 yr nightmare. No one really gets how you become slowly boiled by these preditors Like boiling the frog. The insanity become norm. Thank god for my beautiful ,friends they saved my life’.



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    • catnoch says:

      Trinny:

      God bless for loving friends. My one very good friend knows me well. She has guided me throughout this relationship. She allows me to take a step back and recognize how I can work this in my favor. I am older, but still not wiser I suppose because when it comes to matters of the heart, we all fall prey.

      All the best to you.



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  3. zonna says:

    I have ONE week of NO CONTACT as of today! I feel great and so strong! It is a process but the final act for me was to tell him, DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN, know that I will NEVER answer another phone call or text again, telling my closest friends and family whats really going on and PROMISE NO CONTACT from my side (stepping out of my secret life)and I began seeing a counselor to also hold myself accountable. I feel liberated and after 3 years I’m ready for this!



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    • AnnaMolly says:

      This is so good to hear Zonna and sounds like it was a long time coming. You have taken some strong steps away from the SP in your life, keep it up!



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    • still waiting to get my lifeback says:

      Congrats on the no contact. Make sure you read as much as possible regarding this disorder. They return and the lovebombing will start again but it will be short live. When they return it’s only to destroy. I have mentioned to others please view youtube videos for assc direct. The one called why the narc hates us. Also, validation from the narc.



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