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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I was his “front” — no one would believe he was hiring hookers

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Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “stillinshock.”

I was going through a horrendous divorce with a man I had a child with when the predator struck. I was in a vulnerable position, scared to death by the man I was divorcing who was threatening to take my children, my home, my freedom and my life.

My spath was a retired cop. Swooped in playing the knight in shining armor (boy, I am sure he could smell the blood in the water). He was friendly, charming, and could tell stories and entertain for hours. EVERYONE liked him.

I wasn’t looking to date … I was going through a divorce, but he came highly recommended by mutual friends, and I started to think along the lines of “maybe this is my reward for going through hell. Finally, a good guy, and he can help keep me and the kids safe!”

I was so scared for my children at the time … I now recognize that thinking as a major vulnerability on my part. I really didn’t know what hit me.

More chaotic

He swooped in and my life became even more chaotic. I was in shock and dealing with PTSD from the man I was divorcing, and spath took advantage of that.

He pretended to support me and be there for me, but looking back, I now realize everything was always about him. If something went good, he took the credit; it didn’t matter who or why. I remember him taking credit for things I had done, because everything always had to be about him. I just let it go because I really didn’t need the ego praise for the things and apparently he did, and it seemed a small price to pay to have someone helping me through the divorce.

I remember once he got me flowers and a birthday card for my birthday, and even though I hugged him and thanked him, he pouted for DAYS that I didn’t make a big enough deal over it. After all, he had gone out of his way to remember my birthday and apparently I should have fallen to my knees in gratefulness.

Family truth

I didn’t meet his family for quite a while. He had told me his mother was psychotic and tried to choke him to death. He told me his sister was too snobby to want anything to do with “working people.” I had no reason to not believe him at this point.

He even talked me into shelling out $8,000 to buy him a camper to live in so he could get away from his psycho mother (Much later I did meet his mother and she was very nice. She was the one who told me he had been married 3 times … he always told me he had only had one wife before me). Obviously, he did not want me to meet his family too soon because they would have messed up the false stories he was telling to me.

Everything was a lie

Everything about our life together was a lie; one that I believed for the longest time (2 to 3 years) because he would build on small truths that he had hard evidence for (he was a cop, he had a hero’s medal for his part in 9-11, he guarded celebrities, he did detail for the President, he was the youngest ever police chief in his state) … he had some proof of most of those.

But a lot was exaggerated or just plain false. He was great at telling stories. He made everyone laugh. Everyone liked him. People would think “What a rascal!” “What a great guy” “He’s so much fun to be around!”

He was fun to be around unless you were living with him. Then he would be angry and irritable, condescending and fault-finding. He would pout and withhold affection if he didn’t get his way.

Life was always chaotic with him. He would start projects and not finish them. He would come up with different ways to make money, borrow the money from family members (2 were my young son and my elderly parents … this is making me ill as I write it … he only paid them back partially what he owed and that is only because I made him pay it back while we were still together).

Loving in public

He would be loving in public but when we got home, he would put a pillow between us as we slept at night (supposedly for his PTSD … now I realize he despised me and only used me for my money and for power and control over another.

Also I was his “front” … his “happy” family, which made it unlikely that most people would believe he was on Craigslist and adult sites hiring hookers, watching cable porn and calling sex lines, trading pictures of his junk with others on the internet (I did not know any of this until 3 years into the relationship … one time he forgot to delete his history. Whoops!)

I found him on several dating sites. I did a lot of digging and also found emails and phone calls to escorts. Of course he lied about it all. He got angry, he threw stuff at me, he told me I HAD to trust him if this was going to work, he told me he was lonely and just looking … he said he never actually would have gone through with any of it, blah blah blah lie lie lie.

He swore on his love for God and his dad, whom he supposedly adored. Now I realize he doesn’t even believe in God, but gee, being a God-fearing man sure makes you look good to others!

Sex with hookers

He tried to coerce and manipulate me into swinging, having 3-somes, and having sex with another man while he watched. He would start sex with me and then just as I was really getting into it, he would stop and make me agree to a 3-some or to have sex with another woman or to have sex with another man while he watched … anything that was way out of my comfort zone … and he wouldn’t continue until I agreed.

He would say this was just fantasy and he got hot thinking about it, and so I would agree thinking we were just playing fantasy, but days later he would bring home a swingers magazine and try to get me to go through the pages and find a couple to swing with.

When I would say we were just fantasizing at the time, he would get angry and tell me that I promised him! I am glad that I held to my standards and never did any of those things I was highly uncomfortable with, but it is so embarrassing to think I put up with this for so long.

Anyway, the sex dwindled to nothing between us, he complained his hernia hurt, and I was trying to be a good wife and why would I put my husband through pain just to have my sexual needs fulfilled? Although every time I asked him to get his hernia fixed, he would complain it cost too much.

I believed him at the time. Years later, after we split, several different people came up to me to let me know he was using my camper to entertain underage hookers, and he also had a deal with a local hotel for reduced hourly rates.

The entire time I thought he had very little interest in real sex because of his hernia, he was having it with hookers and easy pick-ups. Of course, now I am glad we didn’t have much sex because after I found out all this, I was scared to death until I got my STD testing.

Oh, and by the way, not that this matters, but I was extremely attractive, and had quite a few men after me. In fact, once I found out about him and told a male friend … his comment was “if he can’t be satisfied with you, what the hell does he want?”

I am only adding this in because I did have other options, and I was sought after, and I believe that is part of why he chose me and tried to destroy me. Our entire relationship was about him trying to destroy my mind, my soul, my finances (he did succeed on that part), and my spirit.

Ruined my finances

The finances. I had a perfect credit score (830) before him. I had bought and paid off several homes, paid cash for cars, had $40K saved in the bank. I was comfortable. He went through that money.

I felt bad for him in the beginning and paid off his child support ($1500). I bought him that camper.

I invested in some of his business dealings. I believed him. I had a good heart. I was so naive. His truck would break down and he abandoned it. Someone would buy something from us and then quit making payments and he let it go. I would try to get the payments out of them, but some of his dealings turned out to be a bit shady.

And he would just get more money from me, his mother, my mom, my son. He was so believable with the stories he told, the bad luck that happened to him, such a good guy! With a good heart …who just tried to take care of everybody! Gag!

So he got a job down south making good money. He left me and the kids in a dump with way too much work to do to sell it, but I had my life savings invested in it. He told me that he was good at building and he would fix it up and make it beautiful. In actuality, he destroyed it by starting several big projects that he never finished.

Found him on Craigslist

The idea was he was going to have me and the kids move down after we got the house sold … but that is when I found him on Craigslist.

I was in shock. I lost 20 pounds in 2 months. I thought he was a good guy, a good family man. Why? Why did I think he was such a good family man when he left so many others? I mean, he always had excuses “she stole from my friend, it was mutual and we just agreed that we had nothing in interest, she was a psycho that went crazy on me.” I believed it all.

His credit was bad from a business venture with a woman he dated before me. Apparently “she was embezzling from the company.” I believed him, but now I doubt he was being truthful. Just another lie … one of thousands.

So I signed for his business truck, and I also allowed him to use my credit card. Dumb dumb dumb! But at this point I still had faith in him, and he did work this job for almost a year and was making good money.

However, after I found him on dating sites and Craigslist, I insisted he go to counseling. He decided he would rather split up with me than go to counseling.

During this time, he ran my credit card up to the max. He still owed $12K on his truck, and $14K on my card. I went on food stamps. I was broke. I ended up having to file bankruptcy (on his bills only though, because I have NEVER lived outside my means.)

So I am going to try to rebuild. Bad credit, a dump of a home, a car that breaks down every other week, no good job, depression, PTSD, and no trust in anyone these days.

I have a lot to rebuild. But I have faith in me. I will do it.

 



18 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I was his “front” — no one would believe he was hiring hookers"

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  1. Bev says:

    Jesus. This could be a movie.

    These people are a piece of work!

    I see so many similarities of my SP / P son in this post.

    Once again, resonating abounds!

    Thank you for sharing. The similarities really do help people to see what they are dealing with.



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    • stillinshock says:

      There is so much more that I didn’t write, trying to keep this from becoming a book…and also…parts of it come back at different times. I’m glad it does help some to see that they aren’t the only ones!



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      • Nan says:

        I am possibly in a relationship with a Narcissistic Sociopath. In the beginning of your harrowing experience, did you start to have feelings of being “Gas Lighted”? He makes me question most things I say and almost everything I do.



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        • Betsee says:

          Nan – A Narcissist and psychopath will design it so you question everything. This is to keep you in fight, or flight. If he can keep you questioning, then he has control over your mind. If you question everything, then your mind is always gong to be on him. You will lose your ability to think clearly and you will lose your autonomy. You will jump through hoops to please him. The psychopath designs it this way. It’s his trap, so that he has complete control of you, to bend at his will. Get out now because this trap is like quick sand: The more you struggle, the dropper you sink.



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        • stillinshock says:

          There were definitely red flags in the beginning. He told me he loved me on our first date. He told me we were getting married on the third date. I was thinking “Hey! way too fast….” but my life was already in chaos from the man I was divorcing so I buried them. And then there would be things he would say that would seem just a bit over the top….but again, I let them go because he was a storyteller and had a huge personality and I didn’t always take it seriously. The best way to describe my time with this spath is….you know those cartoons where the characters get whiplash from turning their necks so fast as something whizzes by and they are left saying “what? huh?” That is me in this relationship.



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  2. The fiesty wife says:

    In the meantime, he moved on with no responsibilities, no credit issues( I think), laid up with another woman, telling her how crazy and insecure you are. Also, if he is really good, he will tell her how u used him for a good life, ran up his credit. And u was cheating on him with your male friend the whole time.

    How I know you ask??????
    Ummmm just say I was engaged before I married my good HUSBAND to what u call “Covert Narcissist”.

    They tell half lies and half truths. Even when they tell stories on how the benefited of off someone, they will still twisted it to play innocent.



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    • stillinshock says:

      He told people that I wouldn’t move with him because I changed my mind and didn’t want to move so far! In reality, I was trying to get away from my daughter’s father who was also abusive and I was court ordered to give him visitation. I thought moving south would help save my daughter from dealing with him on a weekly basis, and also….we had a condo on the beach he had just bought when I found out his lies. I never even got to live in it, and that was my dream my entire life. So he went on to live there by himself, having parties (on my dime after I saw the credit card bills…he even put his electric on my card!) Ugh. Yeah…he just goes from woman to woman and uses them up. Sorry you had to deal with one also. 🙁



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  3. becomingstrong says:

    Oh boy. Your experience is so well laid out I had schivers run down my spine. I have considered starting a blog naming my husband and listing all the things he has done, no adjectives, no opinions, just the facts. They have to keep their lives separate and no one can really know the other players in their game. I have never met my parents in law. He played us against each other and the dislike we had for one another worked for him. He tortured them like he tortured me. Remember he needs to feed off others to survive you don’t.



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    • stillinshock says:

      He played us against each other also. I think they get a sick satisfaction out of playing people and “getting one over” on others. I’ve looked on the internet for his name also because I know he has run through about a dozen women and some of them have to be pretty angry….but so far I haven’t found anyone else posting about him. As far as his mom, it is a love/hate relationship. He hates her (as he hates all women) but he loves her money and is waiting for her to die so he can get at the will.



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  4. Rosie Jackson says:

    Sex, money and control is all they care about. What a shitty (pardon my French) existence!
    How horrible that you had to go through all of that hell for such a disgusting psychopathic freak. But you know they’re all the same. They’d rather do evil than good. They destroy happiness, reputations and lives. They leave a string of victims behind them. They lie, they cheat, they steal and they abuse everyone. No one is safe from these social predators. I’m praying for you and your children. May God help you to heal and may He prevent that sick freak from ever hurting anyone else ever again. Take care, stay strong, stay safe and may God bless you and your children.



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    • stillinshock says:

      “Sex, money, and control is all they care about.” Yes, that is true. He is good at pretending to show compassion for others, but it wasn’t real. The only person he shed REAL tears for was himself. He was really good at the crocodile tears though, but he could turn those on and off like a faucet. Thank you for the prayers!



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  5. whathappened says:

    Stillinshock…i feel for you! I had flashes of what my future would have been had i gone through with the marrage. It’s like we were with the same man. I love your positive statement “i have faith in me” .



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    • stillinshock says:

      I’m glad you got out before you married him. The marriage really complicated things, and now….being on food stamps…it has taken me 4 years to get my divorce. He is fine with us still being married apparently, and living with other women (or I mean “off of” other women) but I couldn’t stand the thought of him taking out a life insurance policy on me while we were married…..too many accidents happen! I finally found a legal aide lawyer who helped me though! I still need to write him a thank you letter!



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  6. overthehump says:

    So much of this resonates so well with me and reflects my own experience other than the longevity of the your relationship – mine went on for 25 years.

    That said, I am free now and very happy. There is life after SP’s! Sadly there are scars, they take time and constant effort – particularly with my son who has taken this worse than any of us. Also these parasites – because that is what they are – are like clingons – its very hard to get rid of them!

    Much of your post reflects my own story but in particular the title. This is absolutely my position. It took me years to understand that our relationship, our marriage, our family – was all just a convenience to him. Financial security and a mask to hide behind. The only people that knew the truth were his family and close friends who would come and then go as soon as they saw past his camouflage.

    Our divorce was final in September 2013 after a 2 year battle (and it was a battle!). He hasn’t spoken to our son (or me) since Sept 2011 or our daughter since July 2012 – even though he didn’t move out of the house until July 2013.

    The other day my son told me that a fried of his pulled out a business card and said – isn’t this you? It was one of my ex’s cards for his karate club that he has recently had done. He has a photo of our son (who excelled at Karate when he started and was the reason that my ex started to learn as well) on his business card. He must have been about 8 or 9 in the photo. You might think – if you didn’t know the truth – “awe how sweet”, “how sad” maybe but the truth is, it is just his continued front. His play at being the ‘family’ man, pillar of the community.

    To those who don’t know the truth, they see this and the photos he has on his website and they see the ‘family man’, the ‘great dad’!. To those who know that he doesn’t see his children, they see the victim – “poor guy”, his evil ex has turned his kids against him!

    So even now – he is still trying to use us as his front! Does it ever really go away?



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    • stillinshock says:

      I’m so sorry for what you went through also! It’s also so much more difficult when you have a child with one. I feel for your children. In the beginning, he told me he wanted to have a child with me and now, thinking back….that makes my blood run cold. I am so glad I didn’t have one with him. He does have a daughter, but they are estranged (Gee, I wonder why?) He always said she was a money-grubbing superficial girl that he just could never get through to, but I did push to meet her and she was very nice, with a nice family of her own. He told me stories about how her mom wouldn’t let him near the child while she was growing up, but now I realize it is just he had no interest in raising a child. Would have messed up his fun, ya know?

      Do you have your children in counseling? I put my kids in, even though they weren’t HIS children, he still did enough damage that I wanted them to be able to work through it.

      “To those who don’t know the truth, they see this and the photos he has on his website and they see the ‘family man’, the ‘great dad’!. To those who know that he doesn’t see his children, they see the victim – “poor guy”, his evil ex has turned his kids against him! “Yeah, they are very good at keeping up their facades. So even when they are found out, and even if you have hard copy proof…some people will just refuse to see the evil behind it. Denial is strong in some. ” Does it ever really go away?” Not as long as they can still get something from you. I gained weight and went through bankruptcy, so I doubt I am that interesting to him anymore. And now that we are divorced….I can start rebuilding and if he comes around again, I will get a protection order against him.



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  7. Betsee says:

    Great article. I can totally relate. My ex had the world believing he was a creative genius. He over exaggerated all of his talents and accomplishments as an artist. writer, musician etc. He wanted his fan base (female admirers) to believe he was a brilliant renaissance man. Truthfully, he started loads of projects, but completed few, if any at all.

    I , like you, was getting divorced when the psychopath lured me into his trap. He was my rescuer. He told me how sexy, smart, funny, beautiful etc. I was. I thought I had found my soul mate. Then, just like you,he wanted to get me to swing, have threesomes and have sex with other men while he watched.

    Then I discovered his crags list ads, for men and women. He was into everything and also had profiles on sex sites.

    Also, like you, I was his front. While he was with me, he had people believing that he was a great guy. He also made up all sorts of excuses why he couldn’t have sex with me. Now, I know why. He was bored. He got bored with everyone, so I can’t ever take it personally. He got bored with all of the x-wives, girlfriends, FWB’s, strangers, swingers , etc. For him, sex isn’t a meaningful exchange of love and intimacy. It’s a bodily function without emotion or caring.

    God only knows all that he get up to on any given day. I always did wonder about the many women and young boys who he had dangling as Facebook friends. I am sure he got into all kinds of mischief while I went to work everyday and he stayed home. Yep, I too was the one with all of the money. In the end, I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars renovating his house, buying him a car and funding lavish trips. I did this because I wanted him to marry me and have children with me. He lead me to believe that was possible, but it never happened. I’m now so grateful that it didn’t. I can’t imagine sharing my life with him. He is the ultimate con artist. I just have to take the loss and be grateful I got out when I did.



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    • stillinshock says:

      Betsee…I’m so sorry for your experience but I am glad you got away. Mine would way over exaggerate also, but he got away with it because he also used fake humility….such as “well…I’m not what I used to be…got this gut here” and “well, I know I’m not the smartest book on the shelf but…” and then he would make you think he WAS the most amazing, humble, intelligent, kind, etc….and yeah…..I felt “soul mate” also…here was a guy who was amazing and kind, a giver, someone who cared about others, like me. HA! He was a very good actor!

      And I don’t take it personal either about the no-sex, although at the time I just couldn’t understand it. But I had been married before, so I knew it wasn’t me….my ex would want sex even when he was sick…so that part didn’t make sense and I would never have believed he was getting it elsewhere. He talked so loudly about being faithful and all.

      I did learn throughout this to NEVER date while I am feeling vulnerable. A woman going through an awful divorce is like blood in the water for a shark….and these predators seem to be able to smell it miles away.

      I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁



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