When you become romantically involved with a psychopath, he or she will be lying to you from the very beginning or your involvement, although you won’t realize it right away.
Eventually, you may start catching inconsistencies, like he said he was here, and now he’s saying he was there. Or she said she did this, and now she says she did that.
You’ll shrug your shoulders, assuming that you misunderstood. Or, you’ll ask for clarification — which your partner will answer with more lies, although you won’t realize that either.
So you may recognize that your partner exaggerates, or likes to spin stories, or even offers contradictory explanations. But you probably won’t spot the really big lies, the statements that you change your life for, statements that are totally false.
Here they are:
1. You can trust me
Psychopaths are good at getting you to talk, especially in the beginning of an involvement, when they are flattering and love bombing you. So you may open up about your dreams, your heartfelt desires, and your fears.
You may reveal a painful past, saying that you can’t handle another heartbreak. You may disclose how someone took advantage of your good nature or your money.
The psychopath listens with apparent empathy and proclaims, “I would never do that to you. You can trust me.”
Later on, when everything collapses, you realize that the psychopath listened to your dreams, desires and fears, and used them to manipulate you. He or she totally violated your trust.
2. I love you
Psychopaths are not capable of love — this is the core of their disorder. So when a psychopath says, “I love you,” it is a lie.
Now, psychopaths can be attracted to you. And they can want to have sex with you. But real love — being concerned about your well being, and willing to put your interests before their own when necessary — well, psychopaths are not capable of that.
Psychopaths have learned, however, that when they say the words, “I love you,” they get what they want. So they tell you that they love you — perhaps sooner than you think is realistic.
But everyone wants to believe a proclamation of love, so you believe them. And you give the psychopath what he or she wants. Later, when the psychopath continues to proclaim love, while his or her behavior isn’t loving at all, you are totally confused.
To clear up the confusion, recognize that when a psychopath says, “I love you,” he or she really means, “I want something from you.”
3. I’ll pay you back
Many psychopaths, although not all, regard their romantic partners as a source of revenue. In fact, some of these parasites work their partners the way normal people work a job.
They figure out, sometimes through trial and error, the best way to extract money out of you. They may try appealing to your sympathy, as in, “I’m having a rough week/year/life; can you help me out?”
Or they’ll have a surefire plan to make money; they just need an investment to get started. Or they have funds coming in from a business deal/lawsuit/inheritance — can you float a temporary loan?
Psychopaths always promise to pay you back.
After they have your money, they may disappear. If they don’t, it’s because they intend to squeeze you for more. In fact, they may actually pay you back at first. That’s only to soften you up for the kill — when they bleed you dry.
Psychopaths believe they are entitled to have what they want, no matter how they get it. And if you’re dumb enough to fall for their empty promises — well, that’s your problem, not theirs.
4. I’ll never cheat on you
My psychopathic ex-husband actually admitted to me, early in our involvement, that he had cheated on previous romantic partners. “But you’re everything I ever wanted in a woman,” he said to me. “I’ll never cheat again.”
I later discovered that when he said this to me, he was involved with multiple other women.
Psychopaths are promiscuous. They are always searching for excitement, get bored easily, and feel entitled to what they want. For all of these reasons, they cheat.
They also cheat because it’s fun. One of a psychopath’s greatest thrills is getting over on people. And what could be better than having your partner believe that you are totally faithful, when in fact you’re having an affair?
Well, for psychopaths there is something better: having both of his or her partners in the same room or situation — and them not realizing it. Now, that’s really fun cheating.
5. We’ll have a great life together
When psychopaths are seducing a romantic partner, a typical strategy is to ask you about your most cherished dreams and desires, and then promise to make them come true.
They paint a glowing picture of your life together, with romantic walks into the sunset, lots of kids, material success — or whatever it is that you truly want. It’s what they want too (they say), and together, the two of you will make it happen.
Some if it may, in fact, come true.
But what they don’t tell you about is the price you will pay: Emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial and/or spiritual abuse.
You’ll be walking on eggshells, trying to keep your psychopathic partner from flying into a rage. Or you’ll endure the silent treatment for infractions that you committed, although you don’t know what they were. You’re always trying to pay the bills, while your psychopathic partner continues to spend money with abandon.
You may feel like you’ve lost yourself, although you don’t quite know how it happened.
The real truth
Here’s the truth of what happened: The psychopath lied to you profoundly. None of these statements were ever true:
- “You can trust me.”
- “I love you.”
- “I’ll pay you back.”
- “I’ll never cheat on you.”
- “We’ll have a great life together.”
It was never you. Nothing you could have done would have made your partner treat you any better.
Although you didn’t realize it in the beginning, perhaps you realize it now. Your relationship was always a complete lie.