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The Road: A woman’s journey through domestic abuse

Road in forest

Photo by Ian L, freerangestock.com

Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader.

By Cynthia Creswell

I took the road that shouldn’t be traveled, so alluring was this path! Decadent flowers framed the entrance, the sweet smells of their majestic perfume luring me in, dripping with promises. The trees’ flowering branches beckoned me in as though the crook of a finger, enticing me to enjoy its nectar.

I listened to the call as it promised me things it knew I wanted; the soft, lush grass under my feet as to make my journey easier, the promise of sunshine to warm my soul, the glistening of dew covered foliage to pleasure my eyes and cool my brow… ‘Come here to rest’ it beckoned, ‘let me care for you.’ Unable to resist its promises I stepped through the door and entered its world, knowing in the recesses of my mind that no road is ever perfect. But the sun did indeed feel warm, the grasses like velvet. And I danced and sang as a child, grateful to have taken this direction, caught in the moment of bliss. ‘You are perfect‘ it whispered. And I flourished.

As I continued to venture down my road the sun became less warm and slipped behind the clouds, peeking out only occasionally. The flowering branches became barren tree limbs that battered my face as I made my way down the now dark and dusty path before me. Where went the sun to warm my soul, I cried; the majestic, brilliant flowers? Where is the dew to quench my thirst? What of the promises? ‘You are not worthy of such beauty‘ it hissed, ‘this is the world you deserve!’ In my confusion, I believed him.

Soon my new world became familiar to me. I learned to accept the cold, I no longer remembered the sun; its promises to care for me were forgotten and I eagerly accepted those moments when the sun was allowed to escape through the clouds. When it did I fell to my knees, face turned upward to greet its warmth. ‘You are perfect‘ it whispered, ‘for the moment, you are perfect.’ But the darkness soon returned with its message of disdain, and though I danced and sang to earn back the light I felt only coldness and was confused by the message.

Many times I saw a break in the trees, a way out. But it seemed too difficult and in my fear I remained on my road as it was now my home, a place deserving of me.

As I journeyed onward, new, different voices began to whisper in my ear; those of encouragement and hope, those telling me a better world existed which I was more deserving of. But the darkness heard it too and worked hard to stifle it, competing with its message. Back and forth my heart swayed until in desperation I curled up against a rock seeking solace. Head in my hands I cried trying to break free from the confusion when I felt the sudden warmth of sunshine caressing my face. Lifting my head I saw another clearing, a more promising exit. The invisible barriers which had held me hostage for so long broke free and I slowly stood and moved towards freedom. As I made my way forward I realized that the messages from the darkness lost their power, dropping like shackled chains to the ground; the disappointments of false promises had not yet quenched my light. In one last desperate movement the barren twisted branches reached out to keep me in its world, winding through my ankles and grasping at my waist. Still I ventured on, shaking them off with a new found strength. ‘You are worthy‘ a voice whispered, ‘You are perfect!‘ ‘You need me‘ hissed another, ‘You’re unworthy!‘ But the light permeated the darkness and the darkness slipped away with its vile words back into its tunnel of confusion and despair, and I felt the warmth of the sun again with its promises as I stepped in the light and through the clearing; free at last.

At the entrance of the path stands another young woman, innocent and trusting in her ways. So alluring is this path! Decadent flowers frame the entrance, the sweet smells of their majestic perfume luring her in, offering her what it knows she needs…

 

 



12 Comments on "The Road: A woman’s journey through domestic abuse"

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  1. marygrace says:

    This is just amazingly written. Such a perfect illustration of a relationship with a psychopath/sociopath. I find it hard to put my experience into words, but I feel like this would help even those who’ve never been a victim understand. Thank you for sharing.



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  2. emtuoba says:

    Very nice. So sad so true.



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  3. becomingstrong says:

    Beautifully written. You capture the essence and tragedy and hope violence +love+sociopath has on us.



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  4. Dragonleight says:

    I find that i am really struggling this time to put myself back together. I feel as though there just are to many pieces missing. Does that sense? How can i become complete again, when so much is missing?
    Not even sure I know why I want to put “ME” back together again, I ask myself why do I want to?, and I only come up with…’so I can be broken down again!’ Don’t think I can go through it again. So the merry-go-round continues.

    Thank you for having this space for me to be able to express these thoughts.

    Wishing everyone wellness.



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  5. emtuoba says:

    dear dragonleight

    just hang tight. keep posting and keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. everyone here has been where you are. it helped me to read read read. please don’t give up. every day it gets a little bit better. THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS. THINK GOOD THOUGHTS. try not to think beyond today. try to feel good today. be kind to yourself today. tomorrow is too far away.
    im sorry you are broken. im sorry you find yourself here among the rest of the us who have been on your merry-g0-round. I am also glad you are here because this is a safe place where people just like you are helping themselves by helping others. I know this site has saved my life.



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  6. Dragonleight says:

    Emtuoba,

    Thank you so much for your your response and kind words. I am sorry that you need to be here as well but happy it has saved your life. You are so right about this being a safe place, I have been a reader for along time but this is the first time I am posting myself. There is always such love, support and guidance in this space, although I am saddened to see so much hurt and pain, I am grateful that it is here.

    This merry-go-round is so crazy, I honestly thought i would never find myself on it again! 2002 was the last relationship I had in which I was lucky to get out with my life, until 3 years ago. I had done a lot of healing and therapy, knew the red flags and what to look out for. After all that time I was ready to date again, I joined a dating site and ended up dating this guy after 5 weeks of chatting online. I was cautious, alert, had strong boundaries. I was very clear right from the start that I wasn’t looking for a relationship just a friend to have fun with. Well, 1 month shy of 3 years I ended it cause I couldn’t do the CRAZY any more, that was 4 months ago. Looking back I was stunned! there were sooo many red flags right from the very first date! just different ones that what I was on the look out for.

    Thank you for listening…blessings to you Emtuoba.



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  7. Jan7 says:

    Hi Dragonleight, Huge hugs to you! 😉 I am so glad that you posted your first post today! This is a huge step in recovering! Pat yourself on the back hon for being brave enough to reach out for help! You are in the right place there is so much love & support here for you. All you have to do is reach out when you are having a bad day. In the beginning that is usually every second of the say 🙁 but as time goes on you will see that it might be every couple of days that you are feeling really down.

    You ask this question in your post: “Not even sure I know why I want to put “ME” back together again, I ask myself why do I want to?”

    The answer is YOU TAKE YOUR POWER BACK FROM YOUR ABUSER!!

    That is why you want to “put ME back together”. DONT GIVE YOUR EX SOCIOPATH YOUR POWER ANY LONGER!!

    Once you jump off a sociopaths roller coaster ride you are left shocked, stunned, broken down, a mess etc. it’s a nightmare being in a relationship with a sociopath but the after math is incredibly emotionally, mentally and physically painful…picking up the billion tiny pieces of your spirt they broke is hard enough work but throw in the fact that you have sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, are hypervigalant it’s creates another part of the puzzle that you have to heal.

    I am truly sorry that you have endured not once bad relationship but two. You are not alone it’s very common for a vicim of a narcissist or sociopath to end up in another one. Why? maybe you were not emotional healed enough but more likely it’s because sociopaths and narcissist are MASTERS at manipulation and they know exactly how to suck a good person like yourself into their con game. You were a vicim of two but you have to know there are so many sociopaths & narcissist that blend into our society as doctors, lawyers, blue collar workers, teachers who con everyone in their life!

    Did you know that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths & psychopaths?

    YES!!! 1 in 25 people!! So scary that these people are every where!!

    One of the biggest hang outs for a sociopath or psychopath is dating sites. AVOID AVOID AVOID DATING SITES!!! Donna Anderson of Lovefraud has written many post on the dangers of dating sites that you can find by doing a search up at the top right of this site.

    Experts believe that we meet a sociopath/psychopath in passing everyday!! EVERYDAY of our life we meet one of these evil people without knowing it…at the deli counter when ordering lunch, or a friends party, or at work or maybe in your neighborhood!

    PLEASE DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP THAT YOU FALL PRAY TO ANOTHER ONE!!

    We must always be on guard on this planet just like if you were in the African Safari you have to watch out for lions and other deadly animals. Same goes for our urban jungle.

    Think about this 1 in 25 people you work with is a sociopaths or psychopath! Every classroom that you sat in at school had a sociopaths in the class! Every time you walk into a party with 25 people or more there is one sociopath! SO SCARY!!

    And then there are Narcissist…there numbers are even higher 1 in 5 people are narcissist! These people are just as mean, abusive, cunning, manipulative as sociopaths.

    You are going to survive this…it feels right now that you never will…that the emotional & mental pain is far to great but with each day you will heal a little more…Every time you start to cry, sob, get angry, are extremely emotional come to LOvefraud and read everything up at the top of Lovefraud & watch the videos up there OVER AND OVER…this will open your mind up from the brain washing that your ex did to you and it will calm your emotions!

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE!! WE ARE HEAR FOR YOU!!

    ALSO reach out to your local domestic abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings they will help you to know that you are not alone in your community. In the USA you can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor and they can also give you your local abuse center numbers.

    Wishing you all the best!! HUGS to you!! 🙂



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    • Dragonleight says:

      Hi Jan7, Thank you so much for your response & welcome…Hugs back to you..and all the great info. They are sure some scary figures and they are everywhere! One thing I find really strange is, I can usually spot a toxic person a mile away. Except when I am in a personal relationship-that is the strange bit?! There are obviously some aspects to these types that I don’t see or get. Which is how i ended up on a dating site. One of my girlfriends wanted me to sign up to this one to check out one of the guys she was interested in and since I was ready to date I did. So that is how I met this guy. We were together for nearly 3yrs.

      Well about 6 months in I started to notice that things had been getting crazier & crazier. I started taking more notice & asking questions. We never lived together & only saw each other on the weekends, in the beginning it was always at his place that he shared with a female friend (yep sure) When she wasn’t trying to get a threesome happening, she would try to make it out as she was part of the relationship…very weird & a first for me. he wouldn’t deal with it or her in any manner, one night I had an argument with her and I never spoke to her or went over to her place again. from then on weekends were spent at my place. He had never been into my place before only out front to drop me or pick me up. That was because of my boundaries of being cautious & I was still thinking it was more of a casual thing.

      I think I must have pick me sociopaths, psychopaths & narcissist welcome, tattooed on my forehead. I am a bit ashamed to say it but I do believe I have involved with 4 of one or the other of these types…..No More Relationships for me! just a bit about the back ground. So sorry about it being a saga.

      Thank you so much for listening..
      wishing you wellness
      Dragon



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  8. Jan7 says:

    Dragonleight, I just wanted to write a separate post for you about the physical issues that you are dealing with right now. When we break up our bodies release large amounts of cortisol this is the cause of our anxiety that we physically feel. This is what prevents us from sleeping also.

    Google “Adrenal fatigue” and also “adrenal fatigue symptoms” plus look at the symptoms list on these sites”

    DrLam. com

    Adrenalfatigue. org

    You most likely have adrenal fatigue and this is the missing link to fully healing. Our adrenal glands which sit on top of our kidneys regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones including estrogen, progesterone & testosterone. The adrenal glands are a HUGE DEAL and often over looked as the root issue of health problems such as anxiety & depression.

    When you are in a relationship with a sociopath it is constant daily stress. This stress they intentionally do to their victims weakens the adrenal glands causing the vicim of sociopath to end up with anxiety & depression. Why does the sociopath intentionally create stress for their target vicim? To HAVE POWER AND CONTROL OVER THEIR VICTIMS!

    EVERYTHING A SOCIOPATH DOES TO THEIR VICITMS IS INTENTIONAL! They intentionally lie, omit details, triangulate you against others, use gas lighting abuse on you, use intimidation, fear etc all to control you this all weak our adrenal glands with causes blood pressure issues, high levels of cortisol & adrenaline to be released in our bodies, our hormones get out of balance etc. Once our adrenal glands are not working correctly it wreaks havoc on our body, mind & spirt.

    Symptoms of adrenal fatigue include (its a long list). Sleep issues, mood swings, anxiety, depression, memory loss, fatigue etc etc. IF our body’s & mind are not working right the sociopath has control over us because we can’t even think our way out of the relationship as we are just in survivor mode. Just like a lion cornering you in a parking lot.

    Heal your adrenal glands by researching the above.

    Keep posting her WE HEAR YOU!! 🙂

    Take care.



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    • Jan7 says:

      PS look into a diet like Dr Fuhrman book Eat to Live and Dr Wilson’s Vitamins (adrenal fatigue. org) to heal your adrenal glands. You can get tested from a hormonal specialist or better a Endocrinologist Doctor. If you go to Adrenal fatigue. org you can take a questionnaire to see how your adrenal glands are functioning and you can read about the cortisol test. I have no affiliation to any of these sites…after I left my ex h sociopath I found out that I was suffering from adrenal fatigue and researched all of this info. This is the missing link to fully healing.

      You can also google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” to watch his lecture on how food heals the body. You may also might need hormones replacement which is no big deal just pill or cream to balance out your hormones. I was given progesterone pills then cream because the stress my ex h put me under. You will need hormonal testing which a Endocrinologist can do or a bio hormonal doctor can do. With in 4 hours of having progesterone pills my anxiety was half and after a month I felt close to my old self but a diet like Dr Fuhrman helps tremendously to balance the body naturally by flooding the body with much needed vitamins/minerals that were depleted because of all the stress you were under.

      Hope this helps you out 🙂 Take care.



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    • Dragonleight says:

      Jan7, Wow great info, thank you so much I will be doing lots of research on this.
      I googled Adrenalfatigue. org & did the Adrenal Fatigue Questionnaire-got the result of 186 & 7 out of the 9. It said that was in the high range. Although I am not sure how accurate that is as I am dealing with a neck & shoulder injury that I have had for a yr, or if that makes any difference? Actually, I a am a little shocked to be honest. I have worked real hard for the last yr on my physical, mental & emotional health, last week at my Dr weigh In I finely got back up 50kg mark. All indicators were that I was well & truly on my healing path.

      In the last couple of weeks i have been a bit triggered, by some neighbors who have been very loud arguing, fighting & drama which starts at 10pm at night & goes till 7am. I took action & phoned the police ( they start gain after they go)when I got to the stage of having to wear headphones in my own home with doors shut so not to hear them. I couldn’t go to sleep before 6am cause if I tried it would wake me. Where is a deserted island when you need one lol Well anyway, I am having ptsd symptoms and I am curious as to weather you think this may be due to to these events alone or connected to Adrenal Fatigue? although before this week I wouldn’t of thought I had ptsd at all.

      Wishing you wellness
      Dragon



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      • Dragonleight says:

        Jan7, just wanted to thank you and let you know that I appreciate your words and well wishes, they gave me a focus & peace for a few hrs. Hugs & Blessings. I came across this when I went through my self-healing notes and thought I would share with everyone as it works great for me in intense & stressful moments.

        ANXIETY & DEPRESSION: To counteract holiday stress, anxiety & depression, hold point CV17 as you take slow deep breaths. This Acupressure point is located in the center indentation of your breastbone.

        Blessings
        Dragon



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