Weak Parasite, Strong Host
One of my old friends said she saw SP still showing up to our old church. She said that he didn’t look attractive anymore and looks like he’s lost himself. I thought to myself, well he lost his HOST, that’s why; well all the while, I feel great! My health is improving, I’m eating well, sleeping well, it’s amazing.
I made my way out, and I will continue to take whatever steps necessary to maintain that no contact. I am now almost 2 years post divorce, and a year and a half of no contact. Usually at the end of the year, there is a reflective time of that previous year, but for me, I am reflecting on when I first decided to move out of my house with my daughter, and finally began to get the strength to leave the SP.
I’m reflecting on how I used to feel. The anxiety, the shudders, the weakness, the nausea, the physical illness from stress and a low immune system. The uncertainty, the chaos, the confusion, the instablity, the ROLLER COASTER LIFE.
My eyes are bright now, I feel like I have a future, I can make decisions for myself and my mind finally has clarity. The cloud has moved on and now the tables are starting to turn.
It’s His Turn
My divorce was horrible to say the least. Just horrible. By the grace of God, I finally came to terms that he was a SP about 3 months into the year and a half divorce proceedings. I had to give things up that I should not have had to give up, but I sacrificed so I could get away from him.
I think my subconscious years before, had me making decisions of someday dissapearing, because that is the only way I felt that I could ever rid myself of him. I knew deep inside he would always come back for me, and now I live with the reality that as soon as the Order of Protection runs out, he will return.
I got the best part of the pie, which was my daughter, but it was in exchange for EVERYTHING else. No doubt best decision, but I’m not about to let him just walk. I’m not in for revenge, but I am in to holding him accountable. If anything, he has given me the fuel I need to stand up for what’s right even more so than before. This host is getting strong.
You’re Stronger, But I’m Stronger
I remember one time he told me in the beginning of the divorce that when I challenge him, it makes him even stronger. It was a threat. It was part of the mind game. I swore to myself that I would be the stronger one. That I would never allow again for him to get one over on me. That I would always fight and never give up.
Do I have moments of weakness? Yes. Do I have to detox my mind and emotions when I have to deal with him? Yes. Can I still feel the evil when he’s in the parking lot while dropping my daughter off at visitation? Yes. Is it intimidating? Yes. Am I still vulnerable to his exploitation? Yes. Will I allow all of these to be a backdrop of my life? No.
That Time Is Over
The door has closed for me feeling sorry for him. Any kindess or lineancy for him does not exist. He is not the person I thought he was. That person doesn’t exist, that person is dead.
Anytime my mind remembers a time when he was what I thought he was, I have to remind myself that he was never those things. I have to keep my heart safe from his exploitations.
I am never going back, not in my mind, not physically, not emotionally, NOT EVER.
Coming Out the Other Side, It’s Ok
When you are in an intimate relationship with a SP, you become deadened to their abnormal behavior and you accept them as normal. But the longer you drift away from them, the more you realize how toxic, bizzare and dysfunctional they were.
I cannot emphasize the importance of having outsiders reaffirm that the sociopath behaviors are not acceptable when trying to get out. When I first dated outside of the sociopath, I was in shock of how much of what I had was not normal. I started believing things about myself that weren’t true. It takes time to back out of all the brainwashing.
There is such a muddled understanding of who the SP is, and it’s amazing how much detailed information you can know about them that is “off”, and not even be aware of it.
The mind continually fights itself about what it sees and what it knows, coupled with the deception of the SP, who they make themselves out to be, or the person they cover up when they are with you. But they can only do it for so long, and then they get lazy and start slipping up.
A Last Senario
One night I went to take out the trash, and I opened the door that lead to the garage. The garage door was open and I heard his voice. He was on the phone. I had listened to him enough on the phone to know what kind of recepient was on the other end of that line. I could hear the flirtatiousness in his voice. I knew it because he used it on me. That he was so sweet and innocent and soft.
My heart began to race. I left the door slightly opened with my foot so he wouldn’t hear it close; I appeared to be undetected entering the garage. I thought to myself, maybe I could listen long enough to be able to hear him cheating on me. That I would get what I needed to finally make the decision to leave. Was this that moment? When would that moment come? When was the evidence going to be enough?
It was extra hard for me because he spoke two languages. I was the perfect host. So much easier to hide what he was doing because he could openly have his affairs in front of me…until I learned the language.
I listened intently to try and hear the whispering. I finally had heard enough. I made myself known and proceeded to take out the trash. I walked right up to him and asked him who was on the phone. He said it was his sister. He took the phone away from his ear and put it behind his back.
I said, “well if it’s your sister, then let me talk to her.” He hung up the phone. Lie, lie, lie, liar. Liar. Feeling trapped, cornered and manipulated, I bottled it. But this is the last senario. I will never allow this to happen again.
As the days turn into years, we can recover; we can regain normalcy. Is it a rough road? Yes it is. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Make this the year to continue to maintain no contact, and if contact is necessary, make this the year to take the upperhand on the game. We are strong, we have endurance, we can self soothe, we are the HOST.