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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath got my brain twisted right away

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who posts as “freebird.” Names have been changed.

My story started July 24th. I had just joined plentyoffish.com, very ambivalently, as I was looking to hopefully meet someone worthy of my time.

I received a message from “Karl.” He was soooo hot, five years younger than me, just moved here from New York. I’ve always had a thing for the northerners.

I found myself excited to get his messages, and the only reason I’d get on it at one point was just to talk to him. We switched numbers and talked a little before we met.

He told me that he moved here to start a company with the goals of it merging with his prior company, and that his family and work were somewhat linked. His company is in advertising and marketing, all things that I know little about, and didn’t want to pry too much in fear of sounding stupid or “not listening.”

Immediate chemistry

We met at a bar, and had immediate chemistry. We had a great time, and he really made me laugh. He came over afterward for a movie, and we were magnetized to each other in a way I’ve never experienced. It took everything in me not to have sex with him that first night.

He gave me tips and pointers on how to be “hidden” on the dating website so that my mailbox wouldn’t blow up, and I could call the shots instead. I felt that was strange but I wasn’t trying to be presumptuous, this was the first date.

He was staying with his aunt and uncle while he looked for his own place. I went over the next day, as they were out of town. I had lots of sex with him, once even in the pool when he said, “yo, I don’t know you like that. We don’t know if one of us is gonna cheat on the other,” in regards to not using a condom that time.

Things were strong: chemistry, passion and attraction was thru the roof. He even told me that “if you play your cards right, maybe you can meet my aunt and uncle someday.”

He texted me EVERYDAY, always mentioning things he wanted to plan with me. Sometimes his plans would be along the lines of “within the next day or so,” in order not to disappoint me if “something came up.”

Facebook

He told me that he found me on facebook but that my profile was so private and that he was so interested in “trying to figure me out.” We became fb friends and I scanned his page. Not much there for the most part.

His current location still said “New York City.” I also found it odd that for someone who has lived in multiple cities around the country, that he only had like 200+ friends. That’s unusual. His pictures that I liked, I was one of a very few, like five. Made me wonder early on if he was hiding or if he had pissed a lot of people off or something.

He got my brain twisted right away. I think it was only week one or two and we were having sex and I said, “Hey, are you sleeping with anyone else?” he said, “What? No. I’ve been wanting to ask you the same thing.” I trusted that and told him my reasoning for asking was because we weren’t having safe sex.

Business trip

He went to Austin early on for a “business trip.” I remember making a comment that I haven’t been to that city in a long time and needed a reason to go myself. He made a comment that I could always go and maybe meet someone off plenty of fish out there! Red Flag. Made me wonder if that’s why he was going, but we were always very playful with each other, but I felt pained by his comment.

We weren’t in contact much that weekend. I just figured he was busy out of town. When I contacted him with how was it, he just said, “miss me already?”

When he came back, I felt a little distance, and just told myself from that moment that I HAVE TO stay on guard with this one.

One day he came swimming, and he was wearing sunglasses he found in his car. He then stated that “these are girls’ sunglasses. Some girl must have left them in my car I guess.”

Again, I tried not to trip. He doesn’t know anyone here, but maybe he had a friend of the opposite sex, I don’t know. He just always said stuff to keep me on my toes. I loved it in a way, but it was eating at me and my whole demeanor became consumed with him and trying to figure him out.

Divulging my secret

I think it was only about a month in, he was over and he told me that he really liked me but felt like I was holding back. I then told him a vital piece that I had held out about myself, which was that I used to be a major party girl, and had suffered some consequences and I got a little teary eyed. He placed his hand on my knee and I told him I hadn’t told him because I just liked him so much and I didn’t want to push him away.

We came inside and he IMMEDIATELY suggested that we both deactivate our plenty of fish accounts because he wanted to “see where this can go.” So reassuring especially after I just vulnerably told him my business.

The next day, he texted me to ask if I could meet his aunt and uncle for dinner. Another way for me to trust him.

The only thing he wanted me to tell his aunt and uncle if it came up, was that I had previously met him in Houston. It DIDN’T come up, but I understood not wanting to admit to meeting someone online.

I remember asking his aunt and uncle if they all worked together because of his comment that work and family were kind of tied together. They look at me confused and said, “we’re retired!”

Blowing me off

He made me mad one night by being flaky, and blowing me off and I refused to take his calls, and he brought my favorite Chinese food up to my work. They told him I was off but that I was at home.

He told them that I was mad at him and just to let me know it was there. I thanked him later and we made up and I asked him why he didn’t just bring it by my home (I live at the apartment complex I work at), and he said he didn’t want to disturb me and that if I had another guy over, it would have “broken his heart.”

I often felt offended that he would even consider that kind of behavior from me. Every time he came over, he’d ask if I had been “snuggling around.”

I always said no of course but I’d ask him back, to see his reaction while it resonated that he either didn’t trust me, or that he was projecting his infidelities onto me.

Another trip out of town

One weekend he was going to Philly for a music thing with some friends from NY. He told me that he wished I could come. I later texted him that if he was serious, that I actually probably COULD. He said he’d talk to his friends and let me know.

Well, he never mentioned it and just off he went. I told him that I needed him to start meaning what he said, and vice versa. He agreed that was something he should work on.

I picked him up from the airport and he said he partied too hard and that him and his buddy ended up getting in an argument and he had to stay with another friend. I asked details and he said it was something he didn’t want to talk about.

Around month 2, his parents were coming into town and he told me that “they wanted to meet this Freebird girl.” I told him of course I’d be happy to.

On Tinder

My cousin came over with a screen shot of him on Tinder, a DIFFERENT dating app. I confronted him via text and he playfully said he could call tech support, that he wasn’t really on it, and I didn’t respond for a day.

The next day, I TEXTED HIM, acting sorry for overreacting. He assured me he wasn’t ‘using’ it and I was telling him that I was just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t still “looking elsewhere.”

I was patiently waiting for these plans to come up about meeting his parents. He said they “got too busy,” and again I got mad at him. Same stuff once again.

He then told me that he was also still a little mad at me for ‘CALLING HIM OUT!!” for the online dating app. I told him “wow, being called out is admitting guilt.”

He disagreed and kept pleading his innocence. I eventually asked him why his fb profile still said New York. He said that it’s because he didn’t tell hardly anyone that he moved.

State fair

We went to the state fair, and I posted pictures of us. While there, I asked him if he was going to spend the night with me again, which would mean all weekend! I had always joked with him about being his “weekend girlfriend.” Some weeks it was weekdays only, some it was weekends only.

His response was that he needed some good sleep, and that he didn’t need to spend the night with me “two nights in a row, and that he was a ‘freebird’ after all.”

I of course got my feelings hurt and told him that I’m sorry I’m “such a drag.” He ended up staying anyway but we were tense. He then said, “hey I don’t want to make you mad, but can I untag myself in that picture you posted?” “What?” I looked at him steaming with tears rolling up in my eyes as if everything was coming full circle in my face.

He then agreed as long as I took away the caption as it said “state fair of texas.” “It’s not that I mind being tagged in a picture with you, I just don’t want people knowing I’m in texas.”

Playing me?

I had definitely had about enough at this point. I’d get mad at him, ignore his calls, threaten to break up with him, and he always sincerely had a way of making me feel special anyway.

I was in between thinking “is this guy just aloof and clueless, or is he totally playing me?” It got to a point where I was constantly mad at him, and seeing the forest for the trees but too addicted to him to actually follow thru on my threats to leave. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t want to be wrong or paranoid and it be MY FAULT why we broke up.

One week he wanted to take me out to frozen yogurt, which I thought was cute. While we were there he discussed that I needed to start saving money so that him and I could travel together. He left early that night so he could go home and “attend to emails.” That was always the reason.

The next night, after texting, it took him over three hours to respond and my head immediately went to “who is he with?” I confronted him and he played it off.

Didn’t trust him

The next day my heart was weighing heavy and he could tell something was up. I told him that I didn’t trust him, that my intuition was telling me things that I couldn’t ignore.

We talked and he assured me everything was cool and made me promise not to bring up the tinder app thing ever again, and said “you have to trust me.” I agreed to try, and move forward.

Things were really shaky and he got really distant. He called one night to tell me that everything with us was good, that he had a lot going on and stuff he wanted to talk to me about in person. We agreed to lunch the next day.

I texted, called, left a voicemail, and I GOT NOTHING in return as he stood me up. That night fuming, I sent him a message basically saying thanks for playing me, a**hole.

He called me repeatedly and said he really needed to explain. I let him over that night, where he came in crying that his mom was dying and that he hadn’t even left his bed or changed his clothes in a couple of days. I wanted to be sympathetic but I was also learning on just what scale his sociopathy was on.

Another dating site

I confronted him that yet another friend found him on yet ANOTHER dating website and that I need to be treated with respect. He said he changed his location when he moved here but still vowed that he wasn’t actively using any of them. He even said he trusted me 100%; this was MY problem.

I told him that night that if his motives and intentions with me weren’t pure, or honest then to please just let me go. “Intentions? I don’t have intentions, Freebird. I really like you a lot, obviously, and want to see where this can go with us.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him I wasn’t sure. I agreed to do a date night that week while I still figured it out. The next day, besides a good morning text, he vanished. A night later I asked him via text to at least tell me that his mom is okay and that I was worried about him.

The next day, he replied with “hey, how are you?” Later that day, I texted him that I officially gave up. And I never heard from him again.

Pathological lying

I did send him a message detailing my thoughts on him that he is a pathological lying psychopath and he messaged back that “Freebird, just reading this now makes me very worried. I walked away on an entirely different situation and I don’t know how this got this far…I understand me not responding could make you think, but this? We are def not on the same page about anything you saying and that scares me…that’s what I had to say. Lastly, please tell me what you want. I have never stopped caring about you.”

I have now deleted and blocked all contact, but am so hurt, devastated, betrayed, angry and feel so violated.

I’ve been having panic attacks, major depression, and still my head goes to me being the crazy one, the blind one, while I wonder and painfully think about all the other girls he’s doing the same thing to, and wonder how far they go, before he has to fake another death. I’m plagued and want to strengthen up and move on from the man I thought was my dream man, the one I was already falling madly in love with.

Thanks for letting me share. This has been an awful experience and I want very bad things for him. I want answers but I know the answers are all right in front of me already.



76 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath got my brain twisted right away"

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  1. vash15 says:

    After seven months I went to my Facebook evil Ken M was still on my friends list before I block and unfriend him my curiosity got the best of me and I checked on him noticed he is gushing over two females/targets and they are so flattered by his BS I knew both of them he met Suzette after me they are still going strong and the other one is one he left me for he told me about her before he breaks up with me 7 months ago after i forced the truth out of him the way I knew who she was he mentioned she is African American he had many paintings of her on his site he is a watercolor artist. By going back I broke the no contact which is going to set back my healing. The killer was not as much the females it was him announcing starting his new job the one that I found for him knowing the companies CFO which he never thanked me for at that point I was literally short of breath and feeling sick to my stomach I was feeling so stupid hating myself for doing too much for a sociopath.



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    • emtuoba says:

      It won’t go any better for the two girls he is gushing over. They will receive the same treatment sooner or later. As for the new job. That probubly won’t last either. Don’t go there. Don’t look anymore. Your only hurting yourself. I went to the other woman’s face book over thanksgiving so o could show my sister a picture of the home wrecker. Should not have gone there either. The pictures were staged it appeared just for me in case I was looking. It broke my heart. It pissed me off and it ruined my day. Won’t do that again. Live and learn. Be brave sweetie and just move on.



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      • vash15 says:

        Thanks emtuoba, I feel your pain when you were at that woman’s Facebook . As you mentioned I have to move on we both have to do that I am grateful for this site that allows us to find people that understand what we are going through that is a huge help in healing. Thanks for being there for me in a time that I need the most help and understanding, I am going to be here for you till we both are healed and moved on.We can’t do it alone that I know for a fact.



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        • emtuoba says:

          It just doesn’t seem right that I hurt so bad. That you hurt so bad. It’s doesn’t seem right that I cannot sleep and then I sleep for days. It’s doesn’t seem right that upon waking in the morning that I close my eyes and beg to please go back to sleep. It doesn’t seem right that I am unable to breathe because the sky is blue. He just walked out. The washer doesn’t work. I can’t move things around without help. I feel like such a looser.
          It just doesn’t seem right. This has got to stop. Please god make this stop.



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          • AnnettePK says:

            It isn’t right. That is why it is wrong to do the things he did – lie, break his commitments, etc.

    • emtuoba says:

      Vash
      Update: got a call from a mutual friend of Robert and I.
      She has come along way to come visit Robert. They have been friends 30 years. Robert told his friend that he cannot see her. The HOMEWRECKER doesn’t want them seeing each other. She will not allow it. Robert will not see his friend. Roberts excuse is that he is so in love with this woman that he will die without her. So she is now cutting him off from his friends. I think Robert has hooked up with a bigger narcissist than he is. He really believes he is in love. But wait how is that possible. Sociopaths don’t fall in love right ? What is going on here ?



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      • vash15 says:

        emtuoba, sounds like Robert has found his match. If it make you feel any better just give it time they are going through the honeymoon phase. We should concentrate on healing I know it’s VERY HARD not to be sad that they are having a good time and moved on, but remember it’s all temporary for these personality disorder people they are empty shells they don’t know what love is they don’t bond having said all that again we should think about ourselves and what is going to make us happy one thing tell your friend that she can come and visit you, you can vent to her if you feel comfortable that is going to be very therapeutic for you. I don’t know how much of his stuff is in your house just contact him by text to come and remove his stuff give him a date you need not to look at his things. Ken gave me a painting for last Christmas I removed it last week and feel much better, do yourself a favor box everything and put them away.Remember I am here for you.



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      • AnnettePK says:

        If he is a spath he is using her for whatever he wants to use her for. If he is a spath he is probably lying about being in love and telling any other lie that suits his purpose. She may or may not be not allowing them to meet. Anything he says may or may not be true.



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        • emtuoba says:

          I know her. I think they are using each other. I believe they are the same personality. I’m loosing interest in either of them as time goes on. But maybe it’s because I know that I am leaving for a week. I woke up again today at 3 am in a panic. Seems to happen almost every night. My sub conscious is working over time.



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  2. vash15 says:

    My dear friend emtuoba, I just read your comment and made me cry it’s so amazing how we feel the same and it’s not right how they moved on without even thinking how they have devastated lives. I want to be there for you 24/7 we need each others help to heal.



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    • emtuoba says:

      Thank you. I feel paralyzed. I function at work but not at home. I isolate. I cry. I’m exhausted after one load of laundry. I don’t comb my hair. I’m pretty bad off. Started an antidepressant. Will go to first therapy appt on weds. But today the sky is blue and I can’t breathe.
      I appreciate you. It’s a comfort to know you are here. This spell I’m under must be broken soon. Right ? It’s so horrible. I’m not sure what it is I suffer from. I don’t think it’s him really. I don’t want to see him at all. I need a truck payment but I don’t want to see him or hear his voice. God I wish it would rain.



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      • stronginthecity says:

        emtuoba,
        It will get better.
        The isolation and exhaustion are signs of narcissistic victim syndrome.
        It’s a real thing, a diagnosis.
        PTSD, anxiety and depression are very real as you know but it’s really good that you are posting here.
        Keep doing it. It helps to just get it out.
        Nobody will judge you or say mean things here.
        Safe place.
        It will take some time.
        We have all been there.
        Is there a chance you can move your appointment sooner than Wednesday?
        SITC



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        • emtuoba says:

          Thank you. I didn’t know it was a diagnosis. All I know is that it is awful to feel this bad and there is no pill for it. I want it to stop so badly. I’m trying so hard here. Nope the appt is thurs. that’s as soon as I can get in. I work the next two days though. I do ok at work. It’s when I am alone that I don’t do so well.



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          • stronginthecity says:

            emtuoba,
            That sounds like a good plan.
            Focus on work. That’s awesome that you can.
            No pill worked for me but others have benefited so maybe when you see the doc you can try something.
            Have you tried some guided meditations on youtube?
            Just go to youtube and type in guided mediation for …whatever you are feeling.
            Self care right now.
            Hugs to you.
            It will get better.
            XOXO,
            SITC

  3. vash15 says:

    emtuoba, As I mentioned before our feelings are very similar. I too don’t want to see him or hear his voice finally blocked and unfriended him on Facebook after seven months that was a big step for me . Actually I am sort of afraid of him because he has tortured me for the past two years the relationship was a year and a half but the torture is still going on. I am the same like you some days, what is helping me is spending time with friends, that has been very helpful hate to be home by myself. Go out try to meet new people that will take your mind off thinking about him and what he has done.I am reading more books on sociopaths/psychopathy that has been very helpful makes me understand that he is not going to change, evil never change. we should feel fortunate that they are out of our lives.Be patient and kind to yourself.



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    • emtuoba says:

      thank you again as always. this site is my morning fix and my bedtime therapy. i hope to be able to not be so compulsive about coming here as everyone exudes so much pain and suffering that i sometimes take on the weight of the world for us all. it is comforting that i am not alone in my suffering but it is just so sad to see so many of us bleeding to death in our emails to one another. i hope to move on to lighter conversation and healing stories before too long. still in shock. still heartbroken. still at a loss as to what to do with myself on days i dont work. i cannot get out of bed if i am not working. does anyones hand shake ? i cannot hold a cup of coffee most days because my hands shake. anyway good morning to all. i must begin my day at work.



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    • emtuoba says:

      Thank god Ribert does not FB. BAD ENOUGH THE HOMEWRECKER DOES AND CHECKS UP ON ME. I don’t mention personal things on mine. Mostly just see how friends and family are doing. I’m afraid of Robert to. If push comes to shove with us I’m afraid he will rampage. Doing the best I can day to day. I don’t actively give him a Thot. Only the triggers cause my guts to churn and then the nausea and panic attacks.



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  4. vash15 says:

    My dear friend emtuoba, I am glad we all can vent here is very therapeutic.For me this site and friends like you have been more effective than therapy. emtuoba, you mentioned on your days off you don’t know what to do. I have found a very good site called meetup which is for like minded people you can join variety of activities my passion is hiking and going to museums so I belong to these groups all women it has been a godsend for me now I have a full calendar of activities when I am not working best thing is I have found new friends. we have to remind ourselves not to think about our abusers. I know there is a void in our lives now that they are gone, we have to fill it with something new whatever that new thing is that makes us happy we deserve to be happy again.Just remember that I am here for you we have more in common than being abused by a personality disorder person we both are nurses.



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    • emtuoba says:

      Vash.
      Always thank you for you kindness. I need a little kindness. Even my mother chides me that I should know better than to have trusted this man. She disliked him from the start. She needs to remember that all three of her children have just followed her lead. He let us raise ourselves so she could raise my father the biggest N on the planet. The old you made you bed now lay in it was the message she lived by and passed on to us. Now she has 3 codependent children who picked the same personalities as dad.
      Oh well that is another story.
      I have hooked up with meet ups. Will try to fill my time after Christmas. It’s been too much for me this past 21 days. I am trying to raise mastiff puppies. 9 of them and take care of momma. A big job. Again that us another very sad story. Just trying to maintain till they are weaned and he will take the mom away from me.
      Yes. This site is my haven. Thank god for you and everyone. Thank God. Thank his I am working too. The sky is blue. We always ride the Harley in beautiful days like this. I absolutely loved those times.



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    • emtuoba says:

      Vash
      Oh my. Your a nurse. How wonderful is that. May I ask you what state you are in ? I am in Texas.



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      • vash15 says:

        Dear friend emtuoba, I live in Orange County California. I work in ICU/CCU,you would think after working 22 years in such an environment I am going to be pretty tough that’s what I thought till I met evil Ken. I have worked in psych many moons ago while I was deciding which specialty to settle in. In my psych rotation when the professor was discussing sociopaths/psychopaths never thought I would be one of their victims.Meetup is great you will meet good people with similar interests. I am glad you are involved with raising mastiff puppies that is therapeutic by itself gets your mind off.It’s very hard not to think about the good times you had with him like riding the Harley but try not to it’s better to focus on the way you were treated at the end the betrayal,lies, lack of respect and care. You mentioned about your mom my mom is a narcissist that is another story by itself. Stay strong this shall pass I keep telling myself this everyday.



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        • emtuoba says:

          VASH
          ALWAYS GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU !
          I am the house supervisor at a psych hospital. Go figure ! I should have seen this before it became such a heart break.
          We were supposed to be raising the pups together. he never did one one thing. he was there the day they were born and then he was gone.
          Yes we had a really good time together. he is lively and alot of fun. always has places to go and do unexpected things. i had so much fun. i will miss the spontinaety.
          I was thinking on it though. There was a shift in January. Another in March. I think thats when he started back casually seeing the other woman. We did ok until the 4th of July and then the devaluation stage started and never stopped. barely a good day after that. coming home at 4 am or not at all. every excuse in the world and me believing them all. how stupid was I ? i wanted to believe. i was hanging on by my finger nails. it had gotten that we actually did something together once a week maybe. MAYBE ! but he was always late, or in a bad mood. I should have known he was seeing her or someone. It started to be no fun anymore. I became paranoid and clingy tearful insecure and not at all myself. not attractive to me, not attractive to anyone. The roller coaster of emotions kept me a prisoner.my whole world revoled around him. why didnt he answer his phone, why didnt he answer his text, why didnt he meet me at the resteraunt for dinner. he would just leave me waiting and never show up. if i got one good day with him it was everything. if i got 2 in a row i was in heaven. but then on the 3rd day without a word he would be gone again. Working ! Starting his new busines BLA BLA BLA. as the cycle went on i became less and less myself and more and more beaten down. It went on like this until he left 11/16/15. 4 days before that he loved me with all his heart. he swore there was none else. we still had our 5 year plan. 4 days later he was gone because i was too clingy and he had warned me before that he didnt want to be suffocated. he walked out with the clothes on his back and has never come back. he has a place of his own in the country it just hadnt been lived in for 18 months. he had been fixing it up i guess for awhile so she could move in with him when he left me. so out of my house and into his with her. something very wrong here. a week later friends and family were telling me that they were announcing their wedding plans. crazy. so fast. so unbelieveable. just tears me up.
          i cannot imagine where her head is. doesnt she know what the future holds for her ? how could she not know ? she has been sharing him with me for practically the whole 5 years as it turns out.how can you be that woman ? its just so crazy.
          I didnt mean to go off on a tangent. Its just that these kind of people sre so destructive and they dont even care. its just thier instant gratification.
          Oh well.
          you hang in there. Im glad i have you to talk too. I am so tired.



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          • DebbieW says:

            Same exact story for me. The new chick is 22 yrs younger than him and didn’t mind having sex with him for 4 yrs while he was married to me and seeing another barely-legal from the ghetto. Believed his full con. Moved in with him 3 months after our divorce. Just married him. WOW! To top it off, he’s got HER paying the bills on a house gifted to him by his parents. Lowlife scum but oh how cocky and smug he is. A real mindfuck.

          • vash15 says:

            emtuoba, always good to hear from you too. Mine was fun and spontaneous and to me the best when it came to intimacy. we should try not to think about the good times I know it’s very difficult mine has been gone for over seven months hate to say this but still get teary eyes thinking about the good times. Ken never stood me up he kept almost all our dates but at the end he didn’t even hold my hands he called me maybe once or twice in two months before breaking up . At the end he only wanted to see me twice a month and even then he couldn’t get intimate it was pure hell I felt the same as you “I became paranoid and tearful insecure and not at all myself. not attractive to me, not attractive to anyone. The roller coaster of emotions kept me a prisoner.my whole world revolved around him” exact emotions.I called the cycle the sick cycle. We should be happy it’s over we have our lives back. Just reming yourself how he treated you at the end and to make the matters worse left you for another woman mine did the same thing and he was really mean at the end telling me he had great sex with her and they have a lot in common and he is going to take her to concerts, movies and museums all the things we used to do and I foolishly paid for. Very sadistic I thought to myself while he was telling me all that, he is breaking up with me it’s painful enough there is no need rubbing my nose in it that how perfect your relationship is with her , pure torture he didn’t care he has no empathy no conscious. That’s why emtuoba they are not worth it to be sad and cry that relationship was no good for us they are gone just think ken and your guy are having fun with their new woman mine was even married and she supported him, those women their turn will come to be treated like us they never change.

  5. Rosie Jackson says:

    To my fellow “victims” of psycho/sociopaths. You may be wondering why I put the word victim in quotes. Here’s why, and once I tell you you’ll realize that you can either choose to be a victim or do something about it (as Donna already has)
    Think about it, would you rather be in her shoes or James Montgomery’s? Each and every one of us has a test or challenge in life. And each and every one of us has to rise to meet that challenge. Your socio/psycho (hopefully forever) ex chose you for a reason and that reason is that he or she saw you as a victim or an “easy mark” probably because you’ve been hurt before or perhaps you’ve been so sheltered so as to not to know what kind of evil there is out there. But now, hurt or not, sheltered or not, you know for sure that evil exists in this world because the experience you’ve had with a socio/psychopath has given you that knowledge. Now we get to the reason why you are not the victim. You, my dear, have what the psycho/sociopath will NEVER have. You have the capacity to truly love, to really feel. Unlike them you don’t just hear the music, it moves you. The poetry makes you cry. The art stirs your soul. They will never have that. They are shallow in the purest sense of the word. They do not feel like we do. They do not experience life and love and joy and sorrow and despair like we do. I’d rather be brought down to the depths of Hell in my hurt than never to have really, truly felt love – honest, all encompassing love. To live a life without ever having felt that kind of love for another human being is not to have lived a life at all. When you give something to someone you must never negate the gift, no matter what that person chooses to do with it. Remember, you were the one that had something to give – true, deep, meaningful, honest love and it’s something that they did not and will never ever have. Love is something that they do not know and will never know the meaning of.
    Now that you have had your horrific experience or your “wake up call” it is up to you to warn others who are vulnerable. You need to do this for them. They are people just like you and they may or may not have had an experience with a psycho/sociopath like you have. How do you know these people? You don’t. You may never have met them before, but you are kind, you are loving and you can’t bear to see anyone hurt so you find them. They are young or old, male or female. They are single and they are looking to find love. You can warn them of the dangers of the social predators that are out there. How? You can strike up a conversation with them. You are sociable and empathetic and that’s why you were chosen by your psycho/sociopath in the first place! (Oh the irony!) You can do it. You can spread the word to others or you can choose to wallow in the misery and destuction that your psycho/sociopath has left you with and leave the others to be wounded and bleeding like you. My question is, are you going to be a lonely, pathetic victim or will you be a hero to other good, kind, loving, empathetic people like yourself and prevent them from being hurt as well? It’s your choice. What makes me feel that the past 24 horrific years of my life have meant SOMETHING is knowing that I’m now preventing other people from entering into the same kind of HELL that I lived through for so very,very long because…… NOW LISTEN UP!
    I am NOT a victim!
    I am a well trained, well seasoned WARRIOR!
    And my only ammunition is my BIG MOUTH!
    So you take care of yourselves, remember what I’ve told you and be STRONG, you beautiful, kind, empathetic Angels! Go forth and fight the GOOD fight! and always remember that GOOD always wins out over evil.
    It’s up to you…..you want to cry over that trash or help someone else? Spread the word!
    Victims? US? Oh HELL NO!!!!



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    • vash15 says:

      Rosie, loved your comment you nailed it my friend. I am grateful for sites like this that enables us to help one another to heal and as you mentioned warn others of the evil that lives among us.



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    • DebbieW says:

      Warrior Goddesses…damn straight!!



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    • emtuoba says:

      Rosie
      You are brave. You are wonderful. You are indeed a warrior princess. A great model for us all.
      Thank you for your inspiration.



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    • emtuoba says:

      Rosie
      I was doing so good. Almost a month in and I was doing so good. A friend called me to tell me that the other woman is dictating who Robert can be friends with. She came a long way to visit and he won’t see her because the new girl friend forbids it. He told his friend that he loves this woman so much that he will die without her. How is that possible ? If he is a sociopath how can he be so in love with this horrible woman ? I was doing so good. Now I’m thinking he is not a sociopath after all. He’s just in love with this horrible woman. Oh god.



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      • justkeepwalking says:

        emtuoba,
        sociopaths idealize, and they triangulate. What you’re describing sounds like both.

        Besides, consider how he’s treated you — not the good times, but the bad times. The times when you needed him and he just walked away. Would you treat someone you cared about like that, even if you’d fallen for someone else? Would you pick fights, or be callous towards them when they were hurting? I expect that would be very unlikely, as it would for anyone who was decent and kind. While the label can give us strength and a sureness in our dealings with them, it’s not necessary to know that someone is a sociopath to realize that they’re bad for us and can’t be relied on.



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        • emtuoba says:

          I know. I know I know. I havent spoken to him or seen him since he left. I don’t want to see him. I’m afraid to see him.
          I try not to think about him but it’s almost like I’m cursed or have some debilitating disease. I am not functioning well. I know you are right. Everything you say is right. He has been horrible to me. All the while supposedly loving me.
          He is heartless. Guess it just tears me up that he is getting married. And telling the world he will die without this person. Wonder what our friends think. I haven’t really talked to anyone he still gangs with. His Austin friend is devastated he won’t see her because the new woman would not line it.
          I’m just so hurt. Still in shock. Trying to work my way through this. I feel like such a whinner when there are people here that are in fear of their lives and I just got conned.
          I should just suck it up and move on. I am trying. I just back slide from time to time. Is it wrong to not want him to be happily ever after. I just don’t think it’s fair that he can do so much damage and then just move on to happily ever after.



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          • justkeepwalking says:

            There is no “happily ever after” for the way that he goes about his relationships. This new gf is just his current supply. Is it fair? No. Problem is, caring about what they do next just keeps us stuck and hurting, leaves the sociopaths with power over us. Their success is sweeter if it hurts others, and he’s deliberately used that on you before. We can’t deny them the “win” of their latest conquest, but we can potentially stop treating it as if it’s our loss, by walking away from this lopsided game that they play by their own rules.

            But don’t beat yourself up about backsliding or try to force yourself through it faster than really works for you. Indifference only seems to come with time and distance. What you’re going through is terrible, it’s still a loss with considerable emotional shock and undertow, and you should be kind to yourself.

  6. emtuoba says:

    Vash
    Good morning!
    He brought the truck payment. Well most of it. I didn’t want to see him. I asked to just leave it under the door mat. I almost ran from my bed to the door when I heard the Harley. It was always my first clue that he was home. No matter what time of the wee morning after walking the floor all night I would run to the door to meet him. So glad he was finally home.
    I resisted the urge last night. Just held my breath until the sound of the pipes faded into the night. I survived. I did not cry. I slept mostly all night. That’s one good thing. I actually sleep at night now. I don’t walk the floors, watch the clock, check my phone or obcessively call and text. Then get up at 5 am to get ready for work. God I ran in an hour or two if sleep per night for the past 6 months.
    Too bad they are such monsters because when it is good with them it is great. Is there a real someone out there that is really great, lively, charming, spontaneous, and loving. What will prevent us from reaping this same pattern? Aren’t we all attracted to love and excietment. Hell are we only safe with a boring couch potatoe ?
    I do try Vash not to think about him at all. I do consciously try. It’s the triggers. Sights sounds smell and the sky is blue !
    Suddenly find my heart racing and I can’t breathe. I think more now about our details. The money he owes me. Moving his crap out of my house, getting his Mercedes out of my drive way. God I hate seeing that car every damn day. Sadly my sweet momma dig will go back with him too once these pups are weaned. I love her. I raised her and Her mate. They belong together. It would be wrong to seperate them. I must let them both go. He is gone already. She will go by the first of the year or sooner probubly. So sad.
    So much to do again today. I have a day off. I just want to sleep. Ugh.



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    • emtuoba says:

      Vash
      I was just thinking. Robert and I gave not spoken after this break up. Just texts here and there about business only. He did however tell me how wonderful the other woman is the first time he left me for her. Oh the sex 😱 She wants it 10 times a day ! How she makes his heart race. He feels that teenage first love for her. He told me then that she reminded him of his wife of 16 years that he supposedly loved with all his heart. Turns out I find that he cheated on that beloved wife too. SHE LEFT HIM FOR THAT REASON. Even after swearing to me he did not. I know it’s awful but there must be some reason he is always going back to this HOMEWRECKER. Maybe he is in love. I just can’t stand the thought that it maybe happily ever after for them. Especially her. I want her to get the same treatment as I did. I don’t want her to gave what I was promised and did not get.
      I’m so awful !



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    • vash15 says:

      emtuoba, please try to get rid of his stuff having his belongings in your house is nothing but heartache both of us have to realize Robert and Ken have MOVED ON to new targets we should be happy we have our lives back I have to repeat all this to myself too the new woman is also temporary even if they get married he will cheat on her that’s him he will never change you are lucky he is gone . Text him for the very last time GIVE HIM A DATE to come and remove his things otherwise you are going to get rid of the whole thing be very stern. Ken is married for 21 years and for most of it he is cheating on his wife and the poor woman is supporting him, cheating on his girlfriends I am happy that I am not married to him, Robert is going to be the same.



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      • emtuoba says:

        i am going out of town on Monday. will be gone a week. did not want to anger or upset the status quo. dont know what he would do while i was gone. yes big plans for my garage and i want no reminders of him in it. i want him gone. i moved my momma dog and her pups to a safe place while i am gone. hoping he will not discover that until i return.
        i do want it over. i do so well for days on end then i fall into some kind of coma. i do resent that he is playing at happily ever after. because he lied to me, he used me, and he cared nothing for the devastation he has cause. its been so long since i have seen him. and i have not tried to call him so i am not swayed by the sound of his voice. these are good things. this is a repeat almost exactly of two years ago but he did not live with me only kept a few things here.
        it didnt work out for them last time. and they were getting married then also. i dont think it will work out this time either. truth is i really dont care. not really. not about them as people anyway. this time around i know what he really is and what i am dealing with. i did not know those things before. i do not want him back. i do not ever want to hear from him again once our busines is finished. he is a non person at this point. i will miss our dogs. i really will miss them badly. that part breaks my heart. i know that in the end there is no happily ever after for him or her. for now the thot of his happiness is what hurts me the most when i am so lost.
        still working on healing. cant wait to see my son and my grandchildren next week. when i get back its time to start checking out some of these meet up groups. im ready to start living again.



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        • vash15 says:

          You sound very strong I am happy for you you might not think that but I sense it. Happy holidays to you and your family my dear friend. Believe me he is never going to be happy sociopaths/Narcissists/psychopaths are always searching for new supplies to suck life from no such thing as being happy for them. Have fun with your son and grandchildren. you are going through healing two steps forward one back till it’s all forward and one day you wake up and he is not the first thing on your mind. Have a great holidays 2016 is going to be a new year for both us sociopath free year.



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        • vash15 says:

          Meetups are great look in to it tonight I am going dancing with friends I found on meetup. As the famous saying goes the best revenge is to live good.



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        • vash15 says:

          I am going to correct it best revenge is to live well and be happy.



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  7. emtuoba says:

    justkeepwalking,

    thank you so much. i thank everyone on this site for all the good advice and input. i never imagined it would be this hard. i never imagined that i wouldnt just get up and go. i am so depressed.
    like i said my concious mind keeps me doing the things i know i need to do. its the unconcious mind i think that causes the nausea and panic attacks. i shake my head every day. i would never have believed that he was this person until i came here. i had become so used to the rollercoaster ride of showers of love and affection and then total withdrawl, then back to good times until the next withdrawl that all i concentrated on for the past 6 months was waiting for the good time to come around. I can see now how foolish and disorderly i was living. i had been conditoned since childhood with this kind of behavior, to me it was quazi normal.
    i have learned more in a month here than i have learned all my life.
    you cannot imagine how much it means to me to have someone reach out to me and answer my questions. it means the world to be able to blither on and have someone listen and off condolence and good advice. like i said before. my heart aches for those on these threads that are in fear of their lives, for those that have been beaten, and have suffered abuse for 20 + years. God bless everyone here looking for help and for offering help to others. I know this will pass for me. it hasnt been that long for me. i still have major issues to work out with him after Christmas. ill be glad when the whole thing is over.
    thank you again for your good advice



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