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4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating

Is your partner a sociopath?Do you have absolute proof that your partner is cheating — but he or she denies it?

When you confront your partner about cheating, does he or she say it’s your fault?

Does your partner pick a fight with you, and use the fight as an excuse to storm out of the house — and see someone else?

If you answer yes to these questions, you may be involved with a psychopath — for more warning signs, get the exclusive Lovefraud checklist.

If your partner checks a lot of the boxes on the checklist, know this: There’s nothing you can do, or could have ever done, to prevent or stop the cheating — no matter what your partner says.

Here are 4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating.

1. All psychopaths want in life are power, control and sex

Psychopaths are wired differently from the rest of us. If you’re a relatively normal person, you want love in your life. You cherish your important relationships. You want to feel connected to other people.

Psychopaths don’t. They view other people as objects to be manipulated.

Psychopaths are incapable of feeling love, so it means nothing to them. Instead, they derive their satisfaction from power, control and sex.

2. For psychopaths, romantic relationships are the means to an end

Here’s what happens when a psychopath meets you:

  1. They evaluate you to see if you have anything that they want.
  2. They figure out your vulnerabilities
  3. They manipulate your vulnerabilities to get what they want.

Psychopaths look at a romantic partner as someone to supply them with sex, a home, money, an image of respectability — whatever.

They are always looking for new sources of supply, so if they encounter someone who may have something else that they want — well, they just go through the above steps with the new target.

3. Psychopaths view romantic relationships as entertainment

As stated above, psychopaths pursue romantic relationships because they want something. Sometimes, what they want is simply entertainment.

They like being the puppet master — pulling strings to get you to respond. They experience “duping delight” — they get a charge out of pulling one over on you.

So sometimes, they pursue you just to see if they can hook you. When they succeed, game over, and they dump you — with no consideration at all for your feelings.

4. Psychopaths are always looking for a new sexual thrill

Psychopaths have a need for excitement — including sexual excitement. Because they get bored easily, they’re always on the lookout for a new type of sex.

This could mean a new sexual partner. Or, it could mean a new experience — same-sex encounters, pedophilia, bondage, sadomasochism.

You may feel like a psychopath’s interest in sex has waned. It may not be their interest in sex — just sex with you. They’re still looking for someone or something new and exciting.

Setting yourself free

Here is the benefit of knowing that your partner is disordered: The knowledge gives you the power to set yourself free.

Despite what the psychopaths say, their behavior is not your fault, and it never was. They are going to cheat, and there is nothing you can do about it.

So do not blame yourself. Do not feel guilty. Don’t feel like you need to honor your commitment to him or her — it was never a mutual commitment.

Give yourself permission to leave, recover and find the loving partner that you truly deserve.

 

 



97 Comments on "4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating"

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  1. kalina says:

    Oh my!! Now I think I get it. It’s about sex as gratification and as the means of manipulation. In a way, it, the sex, is about performing. The mask of sanity is merely a dance of sorts. You do this, I do that. A game, a fantasy, a mirage. So sad, so sick, so frequent, an addiction. Kalina



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    • nogo says:

      Thanks for your insight.
      I mistakenly insulted his ‘performance’ when in frustration I said he was a ‘sucky lover’.
      Looking back, that point seems to be the beginning of the end which resulted in frequent gaslighting towards final abandonment of me.
      It is taking a long time and lots of research for this shock to wear off. Your post helps. Thanks.



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  2. AnnettePK says:

    Really excellent post. Perfect summary of the underlying motives of a P. Once I understood and believed what motivates my ex P, I could predict his behavior and all his possible behaviors fairly accurately.



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    • bluedolphin says:

      AnnettePK – yes, he has a gf in a long distance relationship (I am pretty sure that he met her over the internet too). He had already told me pretty bad things about him such as being a sex addict, insatiable, a broken man, an empty soul, that nothing can satisfy him, disrespectful, angry, he said he has been cheating all his life, that that is nothing extraordinary just like many people do.

      He met his gf for the first time in October 2014 and then December again. In January he flew to another country on short notice to have sex with a stranger. In February he contacted me first time on a travelling site (later on he told me I was another victim….no shame). In March gf visited him and in April he flew to me and in the middle he would often text me to tell me how he had driven to the country next door to have sex with one woman or another weekend to the west to have sex with another or that he had 2 blind dates on the same day or simply that he was not answering my messages because he was having sex with someone. On my last visit to him I found evidence of a woman having been there, etc……Yes, he was making fun of me saying that we wouldn’t meet again because I interfere too much with his social network and that I push him out of his comfort zone (this is considering we met for 36 hours as imposed by him). I was so pissed off by him telling me this after 10 days of visiting him that I told him that I am the one who won’t fly to meet beaters so that was the end of me (blocked for good).

      But I have now come across the following while revisiting my conversations with him and I am indeed very scared/concerned. Things that didn’t catch my attention at the time but now I don’t know:

      we were talking about zoos. He said he hates zoos and that they are prisons. Then the alarming comment came along when he said “If you ever live in a prison, you will never go to a zoo again”. This is only alarming to me now and not at the time.

      On a different day he was about to tell me something and then he didn’t claiming that some things are better to be kept private because once he told his gf at the time and she couldn’t take it and broke up. Well, 2 days ago I saw another important clue regarding this matter that I didn’t remember about.

      When he was about to tell me something about him, he asked me if I really wanted to know about it because knowing about things has a price and consequences. He said once you say something it cannot be unsaid and things could change forever. He said that you pay a price when you know too much.

      Well, while I was asking him what it was he asked me to think of something that maybe I wasn’t too proud of and that I wouldn’t want anyone to know. I said that I don’t have such a thing.

      So I really don’t know what was going on in here.



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      • AnnettePK says:

        Spaths often used hypnotic techniques on their victims. It sounds like he may have been keeping you in a trance like state some of the time. You will probably feel better and better as time goes by and you see things clearer the longer you have no contact with him.

        As far as asking you to tell him something compromising about yourself, he may have been fishing to see how far you would be willing to go with respect to perversions, dishonesty, whatever; and/or he was fishing for something to know about you that he could twist around and use against you when it might suit his purpose. Good for you for not telling him anything!!



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        • bluedolphin says:

          AnnettePK – no, when he asked me to think of something I am not too proud of and that I wouldn’t want anyone to know he was referring to himself. He was about to confess something about himself that then didn’t claiming that his gf in the past couldn’t take it. He explained how some things are better kept for one self because knowing too much has consequences and a price. So what he was trying to tell me is that he had actually done something that he wasn’t proud of and therefore he was not telling anyone, especially after he saw his ex gf’s reaction to it by breaking up with him. He asked me to think of something I wasn’t too proud of as in me putting myself in his situation of him not wanting to tell me.



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          • Betsee says:

            My ex used to say that as well. He presented it in a way that if he felt comfortable divulging certain “truths,” then it was because I was the “chosen one,” who was deemed worthy to be trusted with those truths. It was a way for him to pretend he was loyal to me because we shared something special, almost sacred. What he was really doing was grooming me to participate in his perversions. If he could get me to do that then he would have something to hold over me. Psychopaths don’t feel shame or embarrassment, so his perversions were not guarded for that reason. Instead, he didn’t want people to know how deviant he was (is) because he knew people might then avoid him and then he would lose control. Psychopaths know what they do is wrong, but they just don’t care.

          • bluedolphin says:

            Betsee – I suppose your post was in reply to mine. Sometimes I get confused here with the posts as they appear in different places so that is why I write who is directed to at the beginning with the person’s name.

            Thing is I wasn’t his gf and was never going to be. He has a gf and had her while I was with him so I don’t understand why he was so honest with me. Maybe because of that same reason, i.e. that we were not going to have anything so he wasn’t scared to lose me but still…… At the very start he told me so many negative things about himself (sex addict, online game addict, insatiable, impatient, empty soul, broken man, nothing can satisfy him, angry, that he has been cheating all his life, etc….). Of course, I am positive he didn’t tell his gf about these lovely qualities because clearly she would run but he did to me.

            The day we were talking for 3 hours he confessed seriously that he had a gf because up to then it wasn’t clear at all. And that is the day he was about to tell me something about himself. Then he said some things are better not to be told because once you do there is no way back and things could change forever. So that is when he asked me to think of something I wasn’t too proud of and that I wouldn’t tell anyone, meaning that that is what it was with him and his reason for not telling me, because he wasn’t proud of whatever he was meant to tell me. But if he had already told me enough bad things about him, why wouldn’t he tell me this other thing? After all, as I said, I wasn’t his gf so it is not like he was risking anything with me such as losing me or that I would break up. I guess maybe it was something much worse.

            You say that he didn’t want people to know how deviant he was because people might avoid him but then why did he start talking about it as if he was going to reveal it? to then change his mind? I mean, even with the things he told me about him earlier on, that was enough reason for me to avoid him and he didn’t have a problem telling me. Why would someone present himself as a sex addict, insatiable, etc????

          • Betsee says:

            bluedolphin – Psychopaths love to shock and they love to play mind games. EVERYTHING is a game and there is no sincere interest in creating an intimate connection because they’re incapable of intimate connections.

            It seems as though he confessed these things because you were of no risk to him and he wanted to see your reaction. If you did not reject him, then he got a huge ego boost.

            The things he told you are just the tip of the iceberg. “Sex addict, insatiable, angry….”are a mild sampling of what he is capable of and what he has done. Because psychopaths lack a breaking system, they do reveal themselves by what they say (even to the people they want to hide things from.) Remember, the mask slips. The mask is so uncomfortable they can’t keep it on 24/7. The man you are describing probably had a moment when the mask was just too chaffing. He could reveal a bit of himself because there was no risk to him. I bet he gets tired and angry having to pretend to his gf and the world he is something, he is not. He probably stopped himself either to tantalize & intrigue you more and to create an air of danger and excitement ( they love that) or because he just needed to take the mask off.

            Or, there may have been no reason at all. Psychopathic behavior is illogical to people who have normal brain function. Psychopathic brains are wired differently, so they’re incapable of registering emotional stimuli. Whatever his motivation, it had nothing to do with you. It was a self serving act. Everything a psychopath does is self serving and that’s why they can do all of the horrid things they do without batting an eye. Having multiple sex parters and performing the most degrading, violent sex acts that I promise you, you can’t even imagine, is NOTHING to them.

            He played with you, just for giggles. Then, disengaged without giving you or the conversation a second thought. It was nothing to him.

          • Bev says:

            Your posts are absolutely brilliant Betsee in that they perfectly describe these personality disordered people.

            They are my son to a T.

            Thank you for all of them. 🙂

          • Betsee says:

            Hi Bev – Thank you and you are welcome. I have studied this subject most intensely to preserve my own sanity. Even though I left the psychopath, I felt as though I was the one who had been dumped. I really pinned and felt a profound deep sorrow that almost led me to suicide. I irrationally wanted to hang on to the relationship even though doing so was an act of personal betrayal. I was forced to leave because my life was in mortal danger.

            So, in this process of healing, I have learned the inner workings of the psychopath (reading their own words on why they do what they do). Every woman needs to know that over-flattery, making a woman feel sexy, more beautiful and more alive than she has ever felt before is the bait a psychopath first employs from his magic bag of tricks. If ever this is what a woman experiences, she must fight the urge to stay and run, fast! The too good to be true love scenarios are not what they seem and always have unhappy endings.

          • Bev says:

            That’s is so true Betsee.

            When a guy talks like that right out of the gate, it’s hard, but you have to run.Regular men just are not like that!

            My son did the same things to my daughter in lax, now his ex. I think she felt like she had been dumped, even tho it was she who kicked him out! Then, to have to resolve yourself to the fact that he indeed never really loved her.

            It is the worst.

          • Bev says:

            Sorry for all of the typos…daughter in LAW, I meant

        • Betsee says:

          bluedolphin – Psychopaths tell the new women about all of the turn-off’s they experienced with the current gf/wife or ex gf/wife, so that the new target will “behave.” After hooking a woman, they very carefully tell the new target what is off limits. They usually do this in a way that makes the new target feel sorry for them. He’ll say something like: ” I can’t believe how possessive she was, or she wanted to marry me right out of the gate.” They say this to let you know how you need to behave, if you want to have a relationship. Their complaints about other woman is your guide. You will understand that possessiveness is not to be tolerated and marriage is off the table. They lay down the law, so when they cheat you will understand that you are not allowed to complain. You will not be permitted a natural reaction to their bad behavior.

          The truth is, they do not care about any woman and usually all of the things they say about other women aren’t true. They play “poor-me” to hook a new target(s). If they can get a woman to feel empathy for them, then they can control her and get her to bend to his will.

          His bragging about rape, fisting, gagging etc is a clear indication that he is a misogynist. Psychopaths hate women, thats why they can do what they do without emotion. All they want is control over them. Their hate and contempt for women makes them hate the mask that they have to wear to lure them. Stay away from him.



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          • bluedolphin says:

            Betsee,

            I posted this in another thread also because I am in dismay.

            The other day I was commenting with another member about online sites. Right, I know my guy is on Hi5 or Tagged (the same). Before he was on a travelling site where I met him, which now has deleted because apparently gf asked him to. Of course, his intentions were not those of travelling but meeting women even if it meant flying to them or them flying to him but for sex mainly. He said that he didn’t lose much on that site that the gf asked him to delete anyway. Right, I am not going into the details but I know that before he was on couchsurfing and he is not there anymore. I managed to look into his couchsurfing account (this is another story) and he kept sending messages to women to host them in his house, constantly. Couchsurfing is about letting people stay with you in your house for a couple of nights. Ok, some people gave decent references about him but there was one person who wrote the following:

            “My experience with X was incredibly negative. The night began with us cooking dinner which was fine. We ate together, talked, and watched some TV. He slept in the same room on his bed when I slept on a mat on the floor even though it was a one bedroom apartment. The bedroom was “off limits” and his bed was in the living room. I woke up to him watching me sleep at 4:30 AM. Then he asked me to come to bed with him several times. I repeatedly said no. I ended up leaving and catching the first train into the city at 5AM. Overall it was an incredibly awkward and sort of scary experience.”

            I don’t know if you read my story, which I posted here on love fraud but I do feel he raped me and he threatened me with beating me(http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/09/02/letter-to-lovefraud-he-told-me-i-would-get-addicted-to-him/)

            And now I read this comment about a woman he hosted.

      • nokarma says:

        HI Blue Dolphin

        I understand this…”I cant believe they can;t love” or “how could he never ever have loved me!” ,,, that is the hardest hurdle to get your mind over as well as your heart over ….to this day mine physically hurts & still struggling….

        I have lived that too ….after 12 years together, and many attempts at leaving, lived four & half years supporting him & I left …saying to him something is not right & he was unable to commit, he had heard this a many times before form other women , then came his assurances, its all ok & I am jealous, crazy or insecure or its not what it seems …infidelities were endless that of course he denied I had to talk to the other woman to confirm,,,& guess what he was calling on the other end to do damage control …we went to counseling he conned the counselors saying his biggest fear was to loose me. One lie after the other.

        Any time Socios seem sincere they are testing to see if you will accept their lies, never share anything you are ashamed of or god forbid a mistake, they will torture you with it for ever …and use it at your most vulnerable time to reveal publically. When I thougth the worst was over & he finally had steady income & all was good with me, I thougth after 12 years worst was behind me. (Naïve me, bc I had not found this website yet! nor read over 12 books on subject)

        ….We married legally a first for him, he mimicked the vows in a civil & religious wedding & then that was it, did not move in, did not tell his friends & family till almost a year in… did not have the party he said we would have, did not want to go on a honey moon, did not help support pay bills, cut of from kid,

        mind you, I had been taking care & very generous with my money when I had & he had none, while we lived together, & now he has some money & I thought well its his turn to share

        …..things stated falling apart, mask fell after many struggles at trying to have a marriage while he was living in his home & seeing other women behind my back, financial abandonments,

        …& when he got caught he denied it angrily, even thougth I had seen his emails to them!!! …he told people I beat him with my fists a complete fiction & that was reason we split & he quickly put it in an email to his family,

        in fact it was the opposite & i thougth about filing police report but it as often is a he said she said case & he did not beat me pinned me down in rage on the floor, reason nothing happened was bc I saw he was in trance rage & capable of who know what & I self regulated & talked him down while he had me pinned and after a while he let go…..& I left his house & I began to cut off no sex, no meals, no calls …. did not seem to bother him much began to get irritable & angry…told me he was not going to file for divorce (& he did later).

        He has been saying he has childhood trauma since he was four horrible mom left him at sitters, & that is his cover, & post marriage we went to couples counseling again & I was told he was a sociopath….

        I get feeling counselor had personal exp in this bc they spotted it instantly,,& he said nothing not one thing,,,

        so he knew or he has heard this before. To me that was a shocking red flag & I gave him the wedding vows that day back said you meant nothing of this. I was in shock, traumatized & this was not easy, my world family, marriage crashed very fast,,,,his ongoing lies & assurances made me feel like vomiting. I saw him for who he was for first time ,,,scary. A HOLLOW EMPTY SHELL OF THE PERSON HE RPETEDED TO BE.

        IN session I had said I had trust issues & he began talking about how angry his ex g friend was with me & protecting her & said nothing about us, our rel or our new marriage, that he refused to step into.

        I essentially do not nor ever have existed for him & this was my new husband, Not sure I am ever going to get over this one.

        I did not exist in his world or publically or on his social media …14 years of abandonment, betrayals, broken promises & nothingness? All of which he adamantly denies?

        …mind you his exes & him have been cheating on me off on for years…and that was just one, he had others in other cities..kept them warm by telling them he was single or he & I were not getting along, that it was difficult & he was not happy.

        While telling me he wanted to marry & have a business together, build me a house, buy a car, help with my business, mind you I never asked for anything financial from him & I was pretty good at taking care of all my things & expenses. I own my stuff as well separate from his so I was not financially dependent on him for a thing… but he really wanted for me to be Probably so he cut me off as he pleased.

        …..lol the lies were so endless & so believable ,,,,,said recently “look me into my eyes (MY NAME HERE) I would never hurt you” as he was sucker punching me for a divorce I pleaded that he not to file on a fraudulent marriage,…

        I asked him to annul it, never meant it, void it then ,, we never lived together, never faithful? his first marriage??? He has no one that he has ever been accountable to, a free bird…

        does what he wants when he wants ,,sadly close family knows something is off but they protect him & facilitate his abuse of women & men that he betrays in business partnerships…. not sure why family protects him, to save face in community I guess …I know its hard on them as well.

        …Unlike other socios he did not have children with all his lovers ,,,so in that respect he is a bit different & I think partly bc he was smart enough to realize that children cost money & he did not want any kids, but says he was forced to have two with mother of his children bc she wanted them? Interestingly we discussed having a child & almost did but I was too old & not sure I trusted him.

        I think for his ego too had kids & to fit in with society a bit better. I think that is reason he in retirement years tried a legal marriage I know he had no legal marriages prior, usually vows exchanged & nothing else was not legal, not sure how many of those he had at least two or three?

        14 years of lies & still hard to accept. I mean I was nothing….nothing to him ..when I cut off first thing he did was contact all his exes to connect let them know he wanted to reconnect with them, one was married, think one refuses contact, but think he got lucky on third & he is actively searching for others,,,like a shark that never stops….when I asked him what he anted he said he was looking for a LTR & he already had two other women,,this is a guy who just got married after 14 together to a woman who loved him & was waiting for him to move in & to step up as a husband?

        There were times where we did have a good time, great dancer, lover, adventurer, cook, barrel of fun, & yoga (yes careful in yoga studios)….but that is all it was a good time novelty ..preaches “ahimsa” the concept of non violence chants, preys & eats pc etc….OMG!!!!.

        He controlled the rel & lies at all time & when we were together it was mostly on my dime & he pretended to be some one he was not at all. Used me & my family to get people to have sympathy for him, used me as a front to prove his “normalcy”. I was his educated beautiful exotic trophy
        ,,,people accepted him better with me, he got steady sex & good food, money, prestige,& loan on occasion…& I gave him a lot of freedom & trust…sweet deal right?

        He does did have a band of other socios & addicts,,,,that covered for him & who he was very strangely connected through life experiences ,,,it was standard to share women & pass around girl friends with his group, they share I was told? ,,of course they were all miffed when I said no….

        Also they knew he was cheating on me & no one said a word to me. I did not fit their Antisocial life style ….inside I think many of these men hated their controlling mothers ..I know he did, but he could never admit just said she could barely keep it together & was very controlling ….said his mother was a manipulator & I think abandoned him mostly….

        On some occasions I did get a chance to read his emails & what he wrote was often so different than what he as telling me! Like when I moved out of his house ….he said while looking into my eyes… that “we would still stay together & he loved me & this was a bump in the road ,,,
        you will see”

        ….only to his sister who he had an emotionally incestuous relationship with, he wrote I am so glad that I finally took the last load of her things to her house (literally dumped them in garage could care less and you should have seen the smile on my face that day!!! what???

        That sent me into shock and into graduate school & on my own, I stopped waiting for his pipe dream to come true. I focused on my self for a while & he still insisted he wanted things to work, I began not to trust him.

        Why would he say that and then to me something else? of course I had so much to do in my own life I did not get it them & relationships books say no one is perfect & assume good intentions …be kind & forgive …

        he was planning to go to CA with another woman & start a business or so he told her & that was another lie to her & to me as well, all this I found years later….

        it was exhausting to live it & to remember& to share it…

        There were other disasters in my life & so he hid behind that confusion & that is a trick they often use, to shield & make themselves look like the hero. And you are so busy dealing with the flood or hurricane, chronic illness, death or what ever that you think this is your go to guy bc he becomes it in the chaos when you are weak & need help.

        They are incapable of love as we know it bc of env-social factors, developmental delays, chemical differences, brain differences, there are many theories as to why…But what I learned is who needs to ask why?? Focus on the damage & harm caused & not the reason why….unable unwilling ..period. And its not you!!! There is really no why to be found? they are not thinking about why they do anything ,,,they are primal & impulsive, & if you confront they lie …opportunities arise for them & they need to take them bc they make them feel good, or powerful or novel
        or will get new toys or new sex with some one..

        I swear the minute he married me ….he began faking the sex!!! ….so bizzar. He wore the wedding ring for first time in his life & was using it to see if he could score better than without it & he could!

        Said to me, “you know women LIKE a man with a marriage ring ….they tell me all the best ones are taken…” So he was using the ring to hot one other women who thougth he might be some sort of prize or catch bc he was married & many women think that bc these men marry to hide & women think bc they are married they are “safe men”….not true at all.

        LOL ,,,he has moved on and I think has targeted another woman same age, he has 2 types of profiles that he sticks to & so the women all look the same & like similar things that way for him there is not a big effort for hi, to switch over ,,,his life does not really make a big change, calls them baby bc name slips often ,,,in fact he just called me her name other day in voice mail he left I was surprised he called?…

        no studies have been done as to what happens to these people as they reach elder years & begin mixing sociopath traits with dementia, paranoia, & other mental health issues. But from what I see the gears slip more & more often & by then more people got their number & they are mostly running.

        They mange social media excellently & also dating websites.
        This one prefers to stay off dating websites like his friends all are on lying to women, says he is above such disgusting desperate tactics to find sex, so he targets the progressive social movements to groups that are saving the environment that is how we met & that is how he met the new one.

        Writes informative letters & has spam emails & large list serve as to how busy he is making the world safe for peace & justice helping women & children….exactly the opposite of his personal life …something that when is brought up he flatly refuses, denies & attacks but fact speak for themselves.

        He is a good writer & a very highly skilled sociopath, and the more he learns the better he can cover. Now i think he was probably bisexual since three people have asked me & he knows so many bi men, he kept that hidden not sure why.

        Socios research many things & the more information people put out about them the more they learn how to best cover.
        His women are left devastated & I mean death ,,,disease ,,,,business loss, illness etc broken hearted shocked, even 20 years later. Many have shared with me.

        I hope it does not take me so long ,,,on year 2 & the more I learn & read the better I understand that NOTHIING I could have said or done would have helped or changed,,,,
        all I could do is be or not be his doormat & decided not to be after many years of lies & putting me in harms way & assuring me he loved me & that this was different, this was home& he never felt this way with any other woman, I was only one for him lol.

        Only he told every one else too ,,,his new story is now that I am crazy jealous and argumentative and he should have never married due to all the red flags he saw? What ever that is exactly what I told him a few months ago so now he is using it.

        This after years of accepting “less than treatment” , several abandonments that were brutal & unexpected as well as forgiving him for various infidelities & giving him money, endless trust & love ,,,I gave him a lot of space..huge mistake & after all now he is the victim?

        …& that again is typical of the way they manipulate & turn it around on the real victim ,,,,,

        when people shared stories about him I just could not believe it, that was not the person I knew ,,only it was, mask had not dropped yet,,,,

        How he kept the mask on for so long is by living apart & taking a lot of trips & that is a technique as well, they travel, or they are off deployed or they have to visit endless friends or go on activities that never end, with no time lines no boundaries. Kept me apart form his friends,,I was on the out all the time.

        Had a bad pot habit & compulsive buying…grandiose ideations not based in real word expereice & never to be fulfilled ,,endless promises endless in front of my family etc ,,,he was always on top of the world unless he was depressed & then he was mean & irritable angry.
        I thougth he was brave & strong & charismatic only this was a huge fraud for his cowardice, & self absorption.

        He is now out saving the world & making it a better place mainly to score with women. Uses same mode to victimize over and over it is life a finger print….befriends women through social causes or their children, they are usually single mothers or those going through a tough divorce. He becomes the go to guy, saying how much you control him etc something like that. Makes himself very useful, find what you need & fills it …
        Uses the word WE in the beginning as in, WE will get you this or that…once he has you hooked, you will never hear the WE word ever again in reference to you & him, only to him and another friend, or another ex or g friend but not to his current partner. (any body else expereice this one?)

        works various states at same time with large lists serves, donates to social causes seems like the most caring man egalitarian man…in reality he has double standards, controlling & uses rage & violence to control, he would be fine throwing you in front of train if you tried to out him. Joanie Mitchell’s song ,,,”your so vain ,,,you are where you should be all the time ,,”,

        He does that to women, puts them in trance, I have seen him & I think this skill comes natural to him, he gets in their personal space, looks them in the eyes & starts chatting such interesting things to them ,,,the roof could come down & the women would not notice.

        He kept marriage quite bc he knew it was going to fail & fall apart & he could not maintain it ….Now we are in the process of divorcing and for me it hurts to endure a divorce to some one like this, who never meant the marriage & never meant the vows.

        Proving he did not have mental capacity or fraud is very difficult & expensive & no attorney want to touch this, since he will fight it. The legal system is very far behind at understanding this …

        there are no laws in most states to protect…some have abandonment, or a cohabitation clause but not all. If I did I would use them, I was hoping just to table it & get through emotional part ,,,for him its no big deal …told me reason he wants a divorce is to reduce his liability & to protect me. TO PROTECT ME?

        He could probably convince some one that reason he is stabbing you in back is really for your own health & benefit & he could get you to believe it,,he is that good that incredibly good! The world is his theater….

        This socio says he has “a lucky star that follows him” and I agree, & that lucky star is called manipulation deceit & betrayal.

        YOUR BEST SHIELD? YOUR BOUNDARIES & INTUITON THAT SOEMTHING IS NOT RIGHT. Like my friend told me do you think he spends any time thinking about you or what he did?
        NO none…..all take
        (& there are women like this as well ,,,)

        ….:)



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      • Betsee says:

        bluedolphin – What do you want? What are you expectingg from this man? I feel your frustration and pain and it seems you are spinning (which is what we all do when entangelled in cognitive dissonance.)

        It’s extremely difficult to stop being a detective and analyzing when dealing with psychopaths. The problem is you will never reach a conclusion. You will always be hunting for information. This is because you can not ever rationalize irrational behavior.

        Please try to understand that this man will never give you peace. Good relationships do not hurt and do not cuae your head to spin endlessly looking for answers. When you feel the urge to analyze his behavior, try to study and research the disorder. That’s where you will find answers. PEACE



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        • bluedolphin says:

          Betsee – I have been reading so much about the disorder, believe me. Searching for answers and playing detective sometimes helps.

          Only 2 days ago I managed to talk to a girl who was with him before and she studied Psychology. Thanks to talking to her and her telling me that she thinks he is a psychopath I feel more relieved. She did tell me she saw strange things in his flat such as souvenirs from girls he had been with all aligned in pairs. I think she saw other things too although she didn’t tell me in detail. What she did tell me is that he was cheating on her while he denied it and she commented how obsessive he was when he talked about certain things. She also told me how he told her exactly the things she wanted to hear such as he wanting to have children so he would tell her he wanted kids with her. So she realized that he was mirroring and just telling her what she wanted to hear. Even before I opened my mouth about what I think he is she herself told me that she does think he is a sociopath.

          So, yes, sometimes things like this help. At least it did help me.



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  3. whathappened says:

    Im so scared of what deseases he may have given me. I went to be checked and they said i was fin. Heard though that some may take longer to detect. Is that true?



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    • stronginthecity says:

      whathappened,
      Regarding STD’s..yes it’s a real concern because these people are extremely promiscuous.
      Did you see your gynecologist?
      There is a STD panel that is drawn(blood work)
      How did you find out the results?
      If you want to be safe have another panel drawn in 1-2 months.
      Tell the health care provider what happened and you want to be tested for EVERYTHING.
      In the meantime, refrain and take care of you.
      XOXO,
      SITC



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  4. Debra says:

    Interesting article. My EXspath cheated on me, and I KNEW it. What absolutely amazed me was his lies. He was so theatrical and oh so convincing. However, I had hard proof so I knew he was lying. That was almost 5 years into our marriage. Although I filed for divorce at that time, he begged me for a second chance. I gave it to him, with stipulations (and the fact that monetarily, I would have been really screwed thanks to the recession!) The second time around, I watched and listened very carefully. As was his pattern, he unraveled, broke every agreement within 18 months. I then planned my escape so that I could afford to move on. 4 years after finding out about his “affair” I filed for and got my divorce. I knew he had numerous other sexual encounters now throughout our marriage. I know how he treated me. I know how he referred to other women, mostly in terms of objects or specific body parts, never as a human being with feelings. Women are merely there to satisfy his sexual need and nothing more. He once told me that when he was in his 20’s he did “what ever it takes” to get sex. I should have listened more carefully……….they never change.



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    • bluedolphin says:

      Debra – I am curious to know. You were married to him and you said he treated the other women as objects. Did that apply to you too, did you feel he treated you as an object too?

      I am wondering because my guy had a gf and I was one of the other women. I know I felt like an object to him, nothing else, nothing more, however I always wonder how he treats his gf. All I know is that he always makes sure she doesn’t find out about all the women he sleeps with, that he only wanted to spend 24 or 36 hours with me (considering we live in different countries and seeing each other implied flying) all so that the gf wouldn’t suspect if he was gone for too long. She would be calling him and he didn’t answer if he was with me so then he made sure he was there at the times they used to talk, etc. so in a way I see he had more consideration with her.



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      • AnnettePK says:

        If he is cheating on her – sleeping with other women and lying to her, he is not showing her any consideration. It sounds like he was there for her at regular times to talk or whatever so that he could keep her around so he could continue to exploit her for whatever he was exploiting her for.

        People treat others the same, because how we treat others is based on our ethics and values which are constant. Spaths may appear to treat some people well, but they will turn in a dime and treat the person badly; because how they treat someone is based on how best they can exploit their victim, not based on care and respect for others.



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        • bluedolphin says:

          AnnettePK – yes, of course, cheating on her and lying to her about it is complete lack of respect, plus I am sure I know much more about the real him than she does because he told me he is a sex addict and insatiable,impatient, etc….things that I doubt he told the gf so obviously, she is seeing a side of him which is completely fake.

          However, to me seeing how he spent so little time with me considering I had to fly just because he had to talk to her was hurtful. It was like he really cared about her. I am sure he could have made an excuse to be away for the weekend. I mean, having a gf does not mean you have to be locked at home constantly after all. I would fly to him on Friday evening and despite the fact that there was a flight back on Sunday evening he made me catch the one in the afternoon and he even wanted me to fly there on Saturday morning instead of Friday.

          So for me, seeing this was like he must care about her. And then despite telling me that she is simple minded, that they fight and break up all the time, that she is too stupid to get a job and a visa, that she wants to marry and he doesn’t, the thing is he is still with her. I never understood if he always talks in negative terms about it why is he still there?



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  5. bluedolphin says:

    Betsee – thank you so much for sharing so much knowledge you seem to have on this topic.

    You said something that really caught my attention “he gets tired and angry having to pretend to his gf and the world he is something, he is not” and the fact is that shortly after we started talking I notice a few incoherent things and I told him how he is going against the way he thinks and believes and he said that I am smart and that only me and another woman 5 years ago have told him that.

    I saw a lot of incoherent things really. Only in July I happened to ask him when he was getting married and coincidence he told me he was thinking of getting married in July. By the way he has always been complaining about how the gf wants to get married and he doesn’t want to, that he has told her that he doesn’t want to get married. He also told me how the previous gf also wanted to get married and that he didn’t and they broke up so he always talked against this marriage business. He said how he seems to attract this type of women who want marriage. So he said he was thinking of getting married in October. Then I said “oh so you are getting married then?” and he said “I said I was thinking” so basically he didn’t.

    Right, only 3 weeks later he tells me that his relationships don’t last and he had told me that before on a few occasions and obviously they don’t. Then I asked him what he looks for in a person for a long lasting relationship and he said “who said I want a long lasting relationship?” So in July he tells me that he was thinking of getting married and in August his relationships don’t last and he is not looking for long lasting relationships. A marriage is long lasting as far as I know…..

    You mentioned how the insatiable, sex addict, impatient, etc was only the tip of the iceberg and only a sample of what he is capable of and of what he would have done. Wow!! so sure there is more. And yes, he told me how he is a broken man and that he is sad for a reason and doesn’t want happiness. He said that now he just has sex with married women so that they don’t have to get divorced. He told me about so many women he was with. He wold text me telling me he was with a woman to whom he had driven for 2 hours or the previous weekend with another or 2 blind dates one day or only 1 week after me visiting him he said how he had another woman in his house doing the same things he did with me. And you say violent sex acts I can’t even imagine….when on our last conversation on whatsapp I told him I wouldn’t fly to meet people who talk about rape all he could say is “or bondage, or threesome, or fisting or gagging”. I felt so hurt, so badly hurt. And the cruelty to ask me to watch Maleficent, in specific the scene where her wings are cut off (which represent rape) to then tell me “mind I didn’t cut off your wings” when he knew damn well that that felt like rape. Otherwise, why in the name of God the next morning out of the blue when I hadn’t mentioned a word he said that my brother in law had accused him of raping women?. What a comment to make when no one had talked about rape, just the next morning after I felt that what he did was rape.

    Yes, months talking to him, 3 times meeting, flying, spending money, getting close to someone to then hit a block button in the middle of a conversation where he was literally making fun of me when he called me stupid, illiterate, slow on the uptake, useless and all because I couldn’t understand a sentence he used as word salad to play mind games. After that, no explanation, no why, despite my endless messages begging for a last talk. Cruel, cruel, inhumane.



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    • Betsee says:

      bluedolphin – I posted this above and realized it’s not posted in the right place, so here it is again:
      Psychopaths tell the new women about all of the turn-off’s they experienced with the current gf/wife or ex gf/wife, so that the new target will “behave.” After hooking a woman, they very carefully tell the new target what is off limits. They usually do this in a way that makes the new target feel sorry for them. He’ll say something like: ” I can’t believe how possessive she was, or she wanted to marry me right out of the gate.” They say this to let you know how you need to behave, if you want to have a relationship. Their complaints about other woman is your guide. You will understand that possessiveness is not to be tolerated and marriage is off the table. They lay down the law, so when they cheat you will understand that you are not allowed to complain. You will not be permitted a natural reaction to their bad behavior.

      The truth is, they do not care about any woman and usually all of the things they say about other women aren’t true. They play “poor-me” to hook a new target(s). If they can get a woman to feel empathy for them, then they can control her and get her to bend to his will.

      His bragging about rape, fisting, gagging etc is a clear indication that he is a misogynist. Psychopaths hate women, thats why they can do what they do without emotion. All they want is control over them. Their hate and contempt for women makes them hate the mask that they have to wear to lure them. Stay away from him.



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      • bluedolphin says:

        Betsee – I asked this before somewhere else but I though to ask you in specific if you don’t mind because I sense you know a lot about this type of people.

        When I asked him if he loves his gf his reply was: “Well, yes…at least that is what I tell her and that is what i tell myself”. What does this mean to you?

        On a different topic today someone brought up the term arrested development and I have read about it. I never heard about this before but I am started to think this guy I was with fits with this perfectly. He did tell me he was a boy more than a man and the last time I was with him he said that his doctor had told him that he has the mentality of an 8 year old and of course, I thought only a Psychologist or Psychiatrist would tell you something like this. I guess no other doctor will dare say this to a patient. I also read that arrested development is central to personality disorders. I also read a bit about Borderline Personality Disorder and I really don’t know where this guy fits although yes Borderline, Narcissistic and Antisocial are all cluster B personality disorders.



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        • AnnettePK says:

          The content of the conversation with you about his other girlfriend probably isn’t so important to him. What he enjoys is the ‘triangulation’ – playing one woman off against the other; it’s a fun game for him. So much of what spaths say is nothing more than ‘word salad’ – they lie about everything and anything, they don’t talk to share true and accurate information with others, rather just to play games.

          A doctor of some sort may or may not have diagnosed arrested development. Or he may say that he has arrested development so that you will feel sorry for him and not expect him to behave like a normal person.



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        • Betsee says:

          bluedolphin – It means NO, he does not love his gf. He tells her that he loves her because he know he has to. He tells himself that he loves her because that’s the closest he can get to the feeling. He knows very well that he can not feel love and all he can ever do is “pretend” to feel it.

          All psychopaths are immature. They have zero emotional maturity, so they work very hard to mimic behaviors, so they can “fit in.” By the time they reach their 30’s they are so good at “acting” normal you would never know, at first meeting, they are psychopathic. I believe this is the reason they over flatter women. Psychopaths know very well that a woman will respond favorably to compliments, so when they have their eyes on a target, they go overboard with the flattery. Normal people won’t do this because over flattery will make them uncomfortable. Because psychopaths can’t feel embarrassed, or nervous and they never feel uncomfotable, they dive right in until they’ve hooked the target.



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          • Bev says:

            OMG so true!

            My son talks like no other man would talk. Like, ‘my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me’ and ‘I would be nothing without my wife’…but he wasn’t making a speech at an awards show, He was posting these things on Facebook while she was discovering who he was and throwing him out.

            He is such a lying sack of shit, really. Their whole marriage, he would just disappear and have nothing to do with her or the children. Only when she found out who he really was did he start professing all of the verbal bullshit. I can only imagine that he hooked her that way at first as well. Little worm that he is.

            I know that I sound harsh, as a mother of a SP. Believe me…it took a long time for me to get this way. I have blocked him from phoning and emailing me. I am almost on my completion of my journey with my own son. What I have realized about him explains everything that happened in the past, since he was born, actually. It is a long story, but I am finally coming out the other side…

          • bluedolphin says:

            Betsee – he told me that he was skeptical about living with her, then he also said either she moved to him or he moved to her (different continents) or that they break up. I can’t believe that if you really want to be with someone you consider so easily as just one more option to break up. He also said that he still didn’t know if he wanted to live with her and that he just wants to have sex with her more often. And when I asked him what makes him call her gf he said “she makes me call her that, she put a gun to my head, call me gf or no sex”.

            And then everytime he talked about their “relationship” it was all negative. He said they broke up every day because he didn’t want her to arrive with make up. He forever talked about how he wants a pure woman with no make up and jewlery (and this is so weird). He said they fight all the time, that even when they were on holidays they fought, that she is too stupid to get a visa and job, that she is simple minded, an angry woman, that they have different expectations, that she wants to marry and he doesn’t, that there is no trust, there is disrespect,etc….(and I mean he was not telling me this to trap me because he had already got what he wanted from me by then so I mean it is not the typical situation where a guy tells you how bad their gf/wife is in order to trap you). What the hell is he doing with her? that I don’t know.

            He used to have a gf in his town and I think she broke up so he said that he flew away, met that other girl and made her his new gf. It sounded as if “well, one is gone, let’s go for the next”, so quickly and to me it sounds like this new one was already lined up meaning that I am sure he had been talking to her online already when he was still with the other one.

        • Betsee says:

          Bev – I am so sorry that your son is disordered. That has to be beyond difficult. It’s bad enough to have an ex boyfriend or husband who is a psychopath, but a son… Heartbreaking.



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          • Bev says:

            Cheers for that Betsee. He was actually diagnosed at age 5 but we did not believe it. Then, we gave him up at age 7, and he was diagnosed again in his foster home. Fast forward to today, he is 33, and he was diagnosed YET AGAIN, last year when his wife talked him into counselling.

            Of course, the counselling did not ‘help’, for he is who he is. He is in the process of mediation with his poor ex regarding their two children, who all of a sudden he wants to fight for. Never cared until now, so that he can drive his ex crazy, likely. This whole debacle with his marriage has caused us to take a hard look at who he is and believe the THREE diagnoses. I mean, how many times must one get diagnosed until all of us have to believe, right???

            Yes, it is beyond hard. That is why I think I can relate to those who have these people as actual mates. Because my son is one in all of it’s ugly glory. I see what my ex daughter in law is having to live through.

            Again, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. Unfortunately, I gave birth to him and he is out there in the world, f***ing peoples’ lives up.

        • Betsee says:

          Bev –
          PS Psychopaths are the biggest exaggerators. Their fb posts are so telling! Everything is amazing and bigger than life. They do this to drive home the image they are wanting everyone to believe. They have the best wife/girlfirend who they love so so much!!!! They are on the most fun vacation and whatever they are doing is off the charts amazing. The reality is that they’re expereincing nothing. They flatline when it comes to feeling anything and that’s why they overcompensate and exaggerate (to convince theselves and others).



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  6. alexia77 says:

    Thank you for this article. It made all the confusion become clear! Sex was about control/power/manipulation for him! And its true, contrary to everything he told me, there were perversions and deviant behaviour outside of our relationship and he actually said it was all indiscriminate; it was “just sex for the sake of having sex”. There were women, there were men, prostitutes, sex in public toilets, etc. But please, learn from my biggest regret. Do not forget about your pets! Its not necessarily that he finds pleasure in hurting them, it is just he has no attachment to them. He doesn’t care about the dog, but he sure knows how to use the dog for his own gratification. In the midst of all the chaos of being with my sociopathic ex-boyfriend, when i felt I couldn’t think my own thought and my feelings were all over the place and all i had was my intuition to guide me; I did something that i thought was “crazy” at the time, but my intuition told me that something was really wrong, so I had my webcam record my living room when i had gone out for the day. What i had recorded was my boyfriend digitally molesting, receiving oral sex from and trying to have anal sex with, MY DOG! My poor baby. And it wasn’t the first time. He wasn’t turned on by my dog, but man he sure seemed to like the sense of superiority it gave him to think he was getting away with it…..Remember, if he is abusing you, he is probably abusing your pets.



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    • Bev says:

      OMG.

      Very freaky. The visual is horrifying. Poor you for having seen that. Your poor dog….wow.



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    • AnnettePK says:

      He should be in jail for cruelty to animals. Bestiality is illegal.



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      • alexia77 says:

        Charges were laid along with breaches to the Intervention Order, physical and psychological torture and three charges specific to my dog. Now we are just waiting for the hearing date.
        What will happen when everyone discovers he is a sick fraud?



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        • Bev says:

          Only good things can happen when others discover his sickness.

          Great to hear that charges are pending.



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          • alexia77 says:

            Thanks Bev. It’s overwhelming and stuff i can’t share with the only two people left in my life. I couldn’t bear having them experiencing the kind of indescribable anguish i feel everyday after discovering this horror.
            But, my question, what happens when you out them for who they really are… i mean, you have a glimpse of what he is capable of doing to me, what is he likely to do to me when i threaten his way of being? Do they just walk away and find another audience, another target? Or do i brace myself for evils beyond my imagination?

        • Betsee says:

          alexia77 – My experience is that Psychopaths become filled with rage when they are outed. They will embark on a smear campaign to make you look bad, so that people will question the bad things you say about them. Psychopaths will do anything to get you to appear unstable and crazy. My ex told people the most egregious lies to take the heat off of himself. The lies were so outrageous, my family and friends actually believed them, thinking that no one would make up such things. So, the lies had to be true. I lost some friends who told me that I was a lier and my hurt feelings over the loss of the relationship was just sour grapes. These people are still friends of his.

          Who wants to believe that a person has sex with animals? No one! So, people would rather deny than believe what a psychopath is capable of because the truth is beyond outrageous. I discovered that my ex viewed animal porn, so he probably had sex with dogs too. Psychopaths need to keep upping the deviance, so after women, men and tranny’s where do you go? I think they go to children and animals. Psychopaths will do anything to preserve their deviance and they will go after anyone who gets in their way from having what they want.



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          • Bev says:

            Yes, Betsee, I think they rage as well.

            Because my son lives 4 hours away from me, in a small town, there is nobody for him to tell that I am crazy. I have no family, friends, or ties there.

            I really think that he is sending me these phony porn emails because he knows how I feel about porn, and about cheating. Keep in mind that he is going through a MESSY divorce and custody battle of two kids with a wonderful ex daughter in law, who I believe over him. Myself and my husband, his father, have been together for almost 40 years, since we were 14 years old. That likely picks his SP ass, so he would like to, and always has, tried to play havoc with our relationship.

          • emtuoba says:

            Does it never end ? Animal porn ? Sex with dogs ? I’m still trying to wrap my head around classified ads untold women, and sudden abandonment blaming me for wanting him to come home at night for dinner. And I still wake up wishing I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then. Damn and now beastiality ?

          • stronginthecity says:

            Betsee,
            Yes. You are correct.
            When I saw with my own two eyes that have perfect vision the child porn on his cellphone he actually admitted to me at first anyway that he had to keep looking at porn that is more and more twisted to “get off” even though we were having sex multiple times a day and on the weekends it was non stop.
            Lord only knows what he did when I was at work or he was at his place.
            Since it is completely over between us there is no point to revisit the sickness in my mind.
            He also had porn induced erectile dysfunction and had to rely on Viagra to keep it up…I think he had been taking it all along and then either ran out or whatever but when he did not have it and could not maintain he blamed it on me…
            All of a sudden I was fat.
            Towards the end I also found that he was posting and replying to personal ads on Craigslist.
            I think that man would have stuck his penis into anything.
            Yes, I have been tested.
            Ugh!
            SITC

          • Betsee says:

            stronginthecity – my ex deprived me of sex and then told other women he was with ( I discovered through detective work) that he was not attracted to me. Initially, he couldn’t get enough of me, but true to form, like all psychopaths, he just got bored. He got bored with all of his wives and gf’s and apparently even his fwb’s.

            Through my detective work, I discovered that he posted frequently on craigs list looking for men (sex parties with just men). He also had bookmarks for all kinds of porn, including animal porn and he had a profile on Adult Friend Finder too. One of his “friends” on AFF was a Tranny. I couldn’t believe all that he was into. I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I knew he was kinky and suspected cheating, but never, in my wildest imagination, could I have imagined what I found out. A psychiatrist told me that it was no doubt just the tip of the iceberg. She said: If he had all of those sites listed as bookmarks, there’s no telling what he was doing undercover, probably using a false identity or alias. I had to leave him.

            These guys all have ED due to their extreme deviance. A normal woman just can’t arouse a man who craves that kind of stimulation. The scary part is that their deviant appetite evolves into something you can’t even call sex, its sadism and torture.

            I agree, my ex would stick his penis into anything.

        • stronginthecity says:

          alexia77,
          I am glad to hear he will be held accountable for his disgusting behavior.
          Hopefully it will be on the front page of your local newspaper.
          Let’s also hope it makes it’s way to this website
          http://www.dreamindemon.com/
          SITC



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    • stronginthecity says:

      alexia77,
      Just when I thought I heard it all..then this.
      Excuse me while I vomit.
      How horrifying, sick and twisted.
      I certainly hope that you have reported this to the police.
      SITC



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  7. Bev says:

    Well, I’m not sure what will happen when you out them. That is a good question. My ‘feeling’ is that they will run from you and stay away, perhaps only retaliating from ‘a distance’?

    What I mean by that is, say, sending junk email over and over to you with perhaps a hint that it is from them? I think that my son is doing that to me. Phony porn emails that coincidentally began right after I ‘outed’ him! I don’t know if it’s him or if it’s even possible, but it sure is strange that they started arriving the day after I confronted him. Some of the email addresses that they are sent from have words in them actually pertaining to my son! Like, the work that he does was in an email address. Almost like he WANTS me to know that he is sending them to me because he knows that would bother me. Since he it out of my life now, and all.

    Like I said, I don’t know if my son is sending them to try and torment me so that it looks like my husband is actually receiving them and I may think that he is cheating on me. Who knows. I am just saying that perhaps, once we ‘out’ them, that is how they cope.

    This ‘evil’ is not tool hard to deal with. I just delete the emails!



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