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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I lost my marriage, my children, my job and my home

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman who calls herself “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.”

My story began in high school where we started dating. We were both at the end of our junior year and began dating as summer was beginning. It started off fantastic; I mean that’s why I stayed to get back those first few weeks of our relationship.

Then the jealously started, the manipulations, the isolation: it was too much for me to take and begin my college years. So I told him we were done; of course this was after he “tried to commit suicide” in front of me by taking a handful of aspirin; he pinned me down in my car in the dorm parking lot and I screamed to the point that someone called the police and I had to press charges, he stalked me wherever I went, but then he just disappeared, poof, gone and that was that!

3 years later

Fast forward three years: I am married to a great guy and working traffic in a radio station. The radio station job was not anything to do with the public. I sat in the rear of the radio station where no one ever saw me and worked alone.

Imagine my surprise one day when all of the front staff happened to be out, leaving me to cover, and he comes breezing in. Just wanted to let me know he was back in town, had been in California for three years but he was back. Also wanted me to come and see him. Never happened and he left me alone.

17 years later

Jump ahead another 17 years: I am still married, have two children and he is also married and has two children. My class reunion is coming up and I call him. I call him because he was such a jerk to me and I want to go to my high school reunion without him being a problem. After communicating off and on, we decide to go together which begins an unraveling of my entire life.

The wonderful marriage I had; disintegrates; my two fabulous children; one moves off to college and the other decides to live with her father; my great job working for the state; gone; after a five year relationship with the sociopath, I was left without a marriage, my children, a job and my home. I was now all alone and in debt for him. It has taken me years to dig my way back from a five-year relationship with HIM!

What did I get?

Let’s look at what I got out of the “relationship”: I cannot even say at the beginning it was amazing, because it was not. It was exciting for me because of the sneaking around and having an affair.

But immediately he blamed me for us not being together since high school. It was my fault and I accepted blame for that. I didn’t have his children, I had someone else’s children, so even though I was nearing 40 if we were going to be together, I had to have his children.

Also, he was staying in his marriage at least another three years and I would have to just live with that. He would do whatever he needed to do to make his wife happy so he could stay there another three years. I deserved it, after all, because I broke up with him so many years ago.

And I was so stupid, I went along with it. Some of you might say I deserved it because I was cheating on my husband and you may be right. However, I have been away from this sociopath for over two years with absolutely no contact and I still have nightmares, I am dealing with anxiety, sleep issues, and other emotional trauma. No one deserves to go through what I went through.

All my fault

He never apologized, EVER! It was always my fault. We went out to a club one evening, he got tipsy and hit me upside the head to the point I was dizzy. I drove him back to our meeting spot and left him at his car to go home to his wife: He called me all the way home screaming at what a b##ch I was because he was tipsy and should not be driving. That’s one of many stories that I could tell you. It was always my fault.

When I found out he was cheating on me with someone other than his wife; yep, you guessed it; my fault. He wanted to have a secret friend like my secret friend. Ok, my secret friend was my best girlfriend whom I spoke with on the phone and then lied to him about it so I did have to be isolated from her too.

His secret friend of the opposite sex and whom he just met; he took to all the places I begged him to take me. I knew he was having another affair with a woman at work but of course, I was crazy and didn’t know what I was talking about right up until she got fired from her job for it. Of course he didn’t get fired because everyone loved him at his work. No one knew him.

Minions

My spath had minions. Or that’s what I called them. I have never seen anyone else talk about minions before.

He had all these people (ok, mostly women) who would do all his dirty work for him. When he wanted to cut a whole in the floor of his wife’s house because she filed for divorce from him; he had his minions do it. The whole in the floor only opened from underneath the house so he could come and go as he pleased. I called his wife and told her about it.

Also, when he wanted the VIN off of his wife’s car, minions were sent out to fetch it for him. He had minions move him when he was kicked out of the wife’s home, had minions move him when I kicked him out of my home, minions did everything.

The father thing

Also something else my spath did was the father thing. He overkilled the father thing. Those were his babies and he missed them terribly he cried the day after he found out the wife was divorcing him.

His babies were 13 and 16. He tried to kidnap his babies but it failed and of course, he cried and cried to anyone who would listen about his “babies” and of course that got him more women to cheat on me with.

He was arrested for growing marijuana in his apartment and having meth. He claimed to only be doing this to set up his wife so he could get custody of the kids. Of course, when he was arrested I bailed him out, paid all of his bail, was never reimbursed, paid for his attorney fees, and provide him a place to live. All the while he was making three times the money I made and he never offered one dime while he lived there.

It was at this time that both my kids fled; they knew what he was but love is blind. While I was on vacation, I discovered he was cheating again so I told him to get out.

Kept coming back

He left but kept coming back and all the while was punishing me for kicking him out. And I was so stupid, I was begging him to take me back, accepting the blame for all of it, promising him I could be better, put up with him going out on other dates as punishment for kicking him out …

After six months of that and yet another woman coming into the picture, he one day quit taking my phone calls, my text messages, blocked me from his Facebook, just like we never happened at all. Except that I was now without my marriage, my children, my job and my home.

Signed:
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend



4 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I lost my marriage, my children, my job and my home"

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  1. Jan7 says:

    Thank you for sharing your story with all of us…not an easy thing to do but one of the best healing step is tell your nightmare of a story. I want to let you know that no matter how you entered a sociopaths life whether as a girlfriend, wife, mistress, neighbor, co worker, related family member, everyone is a victim. YOU are a victim too. Please know that you will be supported here regardless of you dating a married man.

    You were sucked into his evil game…why? he wanted to have complete power & control over you and he wanted to destroy you for breaking up 20 plus years earlier. I am so sorry that your life has been turned up side down. Your story really breaks my heart.

    When I finally had proof of one of my husband’s affair 5 years into our marriage (now ex h thank goodness!) he was able to manipulate me & triangulate both of us against each other while he step back and laughed that the two women were fighting with each other. It was not until 7 years later when I had proof of 3 more women that he was having an affair with despite him begging me to stay with him after finding out about his affair did I finally escape and learn the truth from a counselor = I was married to a psychopath. When I told my new counselor that I though my ex h cheated on me 8 to 12 times during the marriage but did not have proof she told me it was probably more like 3 to 4 times that amount as this is what psychopaths/sociopaths do = cheat every chance they get.

    That is when I learned about triangulation, love bombing and all the other mental games my ex played not only on me but also on each and everyone of his mistresses. And that was the day I realized that we all were victims of an evil psychopath who wanted something from each one of us…for me my ex h wanted me to take care of the house & bills so that he would have time to run off and have sex with his endless amount of other victims. When I found out this truth I sent a letter to one of the women, called one who I knew and sent a text to the third one. The first heed the warning as she had no clue he was married. I could not stand silently by knowing how mentally, emotionally, verbal & physically abuse he was to me and would be to these 3 women. The other two were to far sucked into his love bombing and listened to his smear campaign against me they remain with him. But for me I planted a seed in their minds so hopefully now they see the truth.

    My ex too had a large following like yours who did everything for him…he was so masterful at getting people to do everything while he sat there drinking his expensive wine. After reading Freedom of Mind by Steven Hassan a cult and domestic abuse expert I was educated that my ex was nothing more then a cult leader and everyone who ran around providing for him where cult followers. They (and me at the time) were literally under his mind control and his pity play manipulation, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment, triangulation etc. It was all about power & control over everything and to keep everyone separated with triangulation so that no one would speak to each other about the craziness that he was doing to them. Exactly like a cult leader.

    I have read that a sociopath will have 100 victims typically…for our ex’s it’s a hundred or more women that he beds…for others it will be a 100 victims they scam money from or both.

    I want to also let you know that you are not the “crazy ex girlfriend” you are a victim of a crazy sociopath!

    Wishing you all the best in your road to recovery. Please keep posting here it really does help to vent out all your feelings to clear your mind as well as journaling. For your anxiety check out the symptoms list on the following sites.

    Adrenal fatigue. org

    Dr Lam. com

    Mialundin. com (see adrenal fatigue on her site & watch her you tube video)

    Hugs to you 🙂



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  2. sohurt says:

    I too lost jobs my home everything that was important to me he destroyed or tried to destroy.
    I too was stupid and after 10 months apart he came back saying he was sorry and wanted to make things right I gave him another chance it was great at first and then 11 months later he devalued and discarded me again this time worse than ever and to add insult to injury he has a new gf within a couple weeks that he’s broadcast all over social media !!! I don’t know if I will ever recover from the damage he 🙂 as done to my life !!



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  3. Stargazer says:

    Gotta love the sociopathic logic….he was growing pot and doing meth in his home (or even had a meth lab?) to try and get custody of his kids. Who else but a sociopath would have that kind of twisted logic?

    I agree with Jan7. Sociopaths are so skilled at seduction and manipulation, I could not judge someone for cheating with one. When they target you, they have no regard for your life, well being, or boundaries. Those of us with normal boundaries and morals are still prone to the charms of a sociopath because we never see it coming. What a very hard and expensive lesson, and I’m sorry for what you are going through.



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  4. Remembertoforget says:

    Sohurt,

    You will recover, it just takes time and healing and keeping NO Contact with him. No contact means do not even look at his Facebook or any social media.

    He may be with someone else now, but you have to get it in your mind that you will not reach out to him, or ask about what he is doing. That’s how you can start processing everything and healing.

    We have all been there. Whether you were discarded or did the breaking up, the pain is strong.

    You can heal and get your life back, a better quality life, a better you. Promise.

    🙂



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