Editor’s note: Lovefraud received several emails from a reader who posts as “bluedolphin.” Her emails have been combined into the story below. My comments follow the story.
Well, I am feeling really bad about a situation I have had with a guy since 6 months ago.
I met him over the Internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February.
He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up.
All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.
When he told me those things at the very start I thought he might have been joking or not being serious. I really thought the gf wasn’t serious either and some people I talked to even hinted that she might not even exist and that he just made it up so that maybe I wouldn’t be expecting a serious thing out of the “relationship.”
He told me he had met her in October, that they fought all the time, that they break up every day. Then he told me how he had flown to my country to meet a woman for a day only weeks after supposedly having been with the gf. Then he told me the gf was visiting him in March and the minute she left there he was talking to me again and making plans to come over to meet met (and he did meet me only weeks after having been with the gf).
I really thought that either she didn’t exist or obviously he was going to break up at any time. Even when we chatted on Skype I asked him what he was doing and he said “looking for the one.” If he had a gf already, how could he be looking for the one???
As for the other things I didn’t take him seriously, how could I? Someone you just met doesn’t tell you they are hostile, impatient, insatiable, etc. It took me 1 and 1/2 months to actually talk to him on cam (because I didn’t want to and he kept insisting that I did) so I thought maybe since I didn’t want to talk properly to him, and in fact I could have been someone completely different, that he was joking around or not taking things seriously.
Thing is, when he came over to meet me he was so nice and I never thought of those things ever again.
Flew to visit me
When he came over to see me is when things changed for me, as he was very nice with me. We walked along the park, he held my hand, he hugged me and he told me it was a great day with me there. I thought he had been maybe more nasty with me before because maybe he felt he really didn’t even know who he was talking to over the net.
When he returned to his country he sent me messages saying that it was a very nice weekend, that it had been great to meet me, that he was really happy to see I was the way I was and that it was great not to have to be fighting like he apparently does with his gf all the time.
In fact, he told me he hadn’t been that happy in quite a long time and that is considering he came over to me in April and he had been with his gf in March. He said he wanted to meet me again and only the next day we arranged that I would fly to see him in 6 weeks. He told me he was taking me sailing.
Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start.
Hanging up on me
He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things.
One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.
I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport.
I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.
All my fault
When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault.
He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I can undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we can talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today.
He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.
Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was f*cking a girl in another country.
Third and last visit
And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours).
I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise.
I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that.
I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.
Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. Today I said to him to call me sometime and he said, “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says, “because I didn’t want to.” And then he said, “appreciate it, that I call you.”
Rough with me
While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that it felt a bit like being forced somehow.
Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! He brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.
Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cut off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off.” I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on Google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.
Out of the question
A few days ago he was playing mind games about me having asked if we were meeting again. He used a sentence I didn’t understand and the called me illiterate and stupid for not understanding.
Then, he finally said in such a cruel way that meeting me was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I said that I will never fly to someone who while I am leaving is telling me that he is glad I am leaving (as he said) and he said “excellent.”
And then I added that I will never fly to someone who threatens me with beating me and talks to me about raping. He responded: “or bondage, huh? and gagging? and fisting? and threesome?”
I said, “you may not meet me because I interfere with your whores but I don’t meet beaters.”
Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore.
Addicted to him
Another thing I wanted to mention, as it might be relevant (just things keep coming to my head non stop … there have been so many …)
At the start he told me that I would get addicted to him. A few weeks down the line he told me that I was actually addicted to him, that I could not stop talking to him and basically that I was addicted but I didn’t know it yet (thing is we both talked). He also told me that I would like him when we would meet and that I would want to meet him again. He was telling me all these things as if he really knew well what was coming … I don’t know what he meant … why he knew all this, why he told me even if he knew it …
And the gf thing keeps haunting me. I keep forever asking myself how he can be so considerate with her that he wants to be there at the times they speak because if he is not she will suspect he is up to something so basically, he doesn’t want her to know.
Well, once he actually told me he doesn’t want her to know because he doesn’t want to hurt her. Then he said that if she does the same in her country it is fine as long as he doesn’t know. I asked him if he would be jealous and that if so it means he loves her. He said, well, it is just sentimental, pure greed, wanting to possess …
On the other hand, he cheats on her non stop. Right, I somehow understand that 2 people that are away from each other and say one of them meets someone in their own place and they have an affair for a little while (still I am not the type of person who would accept that) but just with one other person but this, what he does is sick.
He likes to have sex with strangers, he is impulsive, impatient … How can he be with his gf in December and fly to a stranger in January? How can he be with his gf in March and fly to me (stranger again) in April? He cheats on her constantly.
One day I asked him if he loves her and he said: “Well … that is what I tell her and what I tell myself.” Then he said he just wants to have sex with her more often. At the same time he said he was looking for “the one” as if he was still looking, someone who doesn’t need make up and jewelry to feel beautiful. He is forever talking about how he doesn’t hates make up and earrings on women and that he was breaking up with gf every day because he didn’t want her to arrive with make up when they met.
At one time he said he was thinking of getting married in October and I couldn’t believe it but I think “he was just thinking.” Then another time he said, “well, either she comes here, I go there to her or we break up.” Recently, he said that when two people are frustrated at some point they end up breaking up and apparently the whole thing is because she wants to get married and he doesn’t but I wonder how much more there is in there … He forever keeps saying that in a relationship there has to be mutual respect, trust and motivation.
Meeting people online
He was registered on two sites to meet people that I know. Recently he deleted his profile on one of them because the gf asked him to but he keeps the other one as gf doesn’t know about it.
He constantly told me they break up all the time, they fight, that there is disrespect, that they have different expectations, that she wants to get married and he doesn’t, that she is too stupid to get a visa and job in his country, that when they are on holidays they fight … and I kept asking so why are you with her? He said she can be nice.
Nothing makes sense to me.
But at least he travelled to her country twice and she went to his and they spent 1/2 weeks not like he does with me, offering me 36 hours and saying that he cannot even do the 36 and that it needs to be 24 hours next time.
Before this gf apparently he had another one in his town and according to him she broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t although he had also told me before that she loved her make up more than him. Then he said that just after that he flew to this new girl to meet her and made her his new gf (the one he is with now).
Question haunts me
One question that keeps haunting me is whether he or these people do this to everyone. I always think how can he behave like this with me and have a gf? Sure if he did this to her she would break up.
Ok, he cheats on her non stop but she doesn’t know that of course, however with me he always kept telling me how he didn’t call because he was having sex with another woman or how he had driven to the country next door for 2 hours to have sex with another or how he had one day 2 blind dates and on and on … so why does he hurt me like that? When he hides this from gf?
I need opinions
I need the opinions of people who have gone through this. I thought my story could be published on Lovefraud.
I need other people to help me and give me opinions.
I know and I have forever been asking myself why I put up with this behaviour, that is the constant question I ask myself and have been asking myself for the last 6 months and I don’t find an answer.
If anyone told me this was happening to them I would be telling them to run, but I don’t seem to be able to stop this. I feel I am hooked, addicted.
Donna Andersen responds
Hurtingbadly — I am so sorry for what you have endured. Thank you for being willing to share so much of your story. Much of what you related may be helpful to other Lovefraud readers.
First let me reassure you: The man is a sociopath, and there is nothing you could have done to make him treat you any better. Nothing you or anyone can ever do will change his behavior.
He’s blocked you — good. Use this as an opportunity to establish No Contact. Do not have contact with him ever again. Do not initiate contact. Do not respond to his contact. Make up your mind that you are ending it, regardless of what he does.
So why did you tolerate his bad behavior? Yours is a classic case of sociopathic seduction.
This man targeted you. He knew exactly what he was doing at all times, and his objective was to manipulate and exploit you — possibly for no other reason than to entertain himself.
The basic problem is that you did not know that sociopaths exist, so you did not know how to interpret his behavior. That’s why you did not take him seriously when he told you that he was “a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.” Who says something like that? You assumed that he was joking. However, those may have been the only true words to come out of his mouth.
Everything else he said to you — everything, including whatever he said about the girlfriend — may have been a lie.
The fact that he predicted that you would become addicted to him is very telling. He intentionally engaged in behaviors that would make you addicted to him, such as:
- Flying to see you, and being nice to you during the first visit. This creates pleasure for you, with is the first step of a psychopathic bond.
- Telling you about the girlfriend (which may or may not be true). This has the effect of making you competitive with this woman.
- Setting limitations on how much time he would spend with you. Keeping you at a distance, and playing hard to get, makes you want him more. That’s the way our brains are wired.
- After being nice to you, treating you badly. This creates fear and anxiety in you, because you want the relationship to go back to how nice it was in the beginning. Fear and anxiety has the effect of making the psychopathic bond stronger. So each cycle of him being nice — him being mean — getting back together made you more addicted to him.
This man engaged in emotional and psychological manipulation: Criticizing you, setting time limits, keeping you guessing about whether or not he will talk to you, blaming you, getting angry over nothing.
I mean, him getting angry about 3 euros for parking? Or being touched on the head by tissues? That was all meant to establish control over you.
And his statements about not liking make-up and jewelry? I can see two reasons for that. First, he wants to exert control, make you change to suit him. (In fact, if you didn’t wear make-up, he might demand that you do). Secondly, he may be cheap, and doesn’t want to spend money buying a woman make-up or jewelry.
The worst part was when he became rough with you, and then talked about beating you, and then about rape. This man was testing you, trying to see how much you would tolerate.
It could have gotten really bad. I am so glad that you have ended it. Please, have no more contact with this man.
Here are some articles that may help you understand what happened: