Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call Roseann.
I just wanted to thank you for developing the Lovefraud site, sharing your experience and writing your books. I have read both.
The books and your site have helped me tremendously, not only initially when I needed to understand what was happening, during the no contact time and even now, when he’s long gone. It helps me to remember who I was back then and to see whom I am now and I’m pleased with my progress and the choices I made.
All in all, I spent the better part of 10 years dealing with my on and off relationship/friendship with my spath and THE best thing I did was cut contact.
It didn’t feel like that at first. It felt horrible because I had loved him so much and I had to let go as if he had died. So I grieved. It was hard.
Thankfully, I had met someone that is obviously a saint because he stuck by me although he knew where my heart was. But eventually, I came around and we are happily married, raising children and no sociopathy in sight.
I have even realized some of my educational goals and am currently a certified Phlebotomist considering going back to school for my RN.
I wasn’t alone
One thing that helped me was knowing I wasn’t alone and going crazy.
Another thing that helped was keeping a daily journal where I honestly wrote down the events that occurred, kept detailed accounts of conversations and wrote what I was feeling. When it was time to cut contact, I went back through my journals for the year and wrote a list of ALL the nasty things he said to me and I kept it by my bed so I would read it every morning and that gave me the strength to delete his text messages unanswered and ignore his calls.
The last time he texted me was this last Mother’s Day!!!! I just laughed because did he REALLY think that I was going to take the bait after not having any contact in years!?!? I mean really!?!?
I erased it and went on with my life, thanks to you and your willingness to put a spotlight on these sad unhealthy people.
Thanks to you, your site, your books, my therapist and Psychology Today I dodged a bullet. A lethal one.
That relationship was destroying me from the inside out. It was changing me into someone I didn’t want to be.
It’s hard to embrace the facts and truths at first. We don’t want to believe because that means that we have to look inside ourselves and “clean up our backyard” so to speak.
I know why he picked me. Now. I had to dig deep and figure out what MY role was in making this mess because we DO play a role and the ONLY person that we CAN control and figure out is ourselves.
He didn’t like it when I took my power back. He didn’t like it when I stopped apologizing and trying to understand. He didn’t like it when I told him that I didn’t love him anymore and didn’t care if I talked to him ever again. He didn’t like it when after 6 months I still hadn’t contacted him so he contacted me and I didn’t respond. And I didn’t care.
Can’t escape themselves
I have no desire to get even or get revenge. I don’t wish him ill or harbor any animosity. I believe we ALL have to eventually sit down at the karma counter and get served what we deserve.
I feel sorry for him. I have pity for him. I know he’s miserable. Every day. And he’ll never escape it … We’re the lucky ones because we can escape the sociopath and heal and become happy …
Sociopaths can’t escape themselves. They have to look at themselves in the mirror every day and although there are days when they can lie to themselves, we all know that they know deep down whom they are and what they have done and they even care but they are powerless because they will never escape themselves.
My satisfaction comes from knowing that his life is nothing more than a string of drama and people. No one sticks around for too long. He has no real friends. He’s middle aged now, never been married, can’t keep a job, has no money, living in his parents apartments, has herpes and trolling Tinder for a 20something because he’s not attracted to women his own age.
I believe he loved and cared about me at one point to the furthest extent that he’s capable. How long that time was, only he knows and it is not important to me anymore. It used to be.
Can’t understand crazy
As my husband tells me from time to time, “No matter how hard you try, you’ll never fully understand crazy.” Trying to understand crazy just eats our life and time away. Two things we can never get back.
Thanks for doing so much for people that have the misfortune of being taken for a ride on the sociocrazytrain. Whereas the ride was painful, I don’t regret it, because it’s part of how I ended up being whom I am today and whom I am today is a healthy confident woman that understands and knows a lot more about herself and that has led me to acceptance and forgiveness and has allowed me to move on.
I’m a better person now than when I boarded his sociocoaster. I chose to use the sh*t as fertilizer and beautiful things grew.