lf1

My mother was bent on turning us kids against our father

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who posts as “Lobelle55.”

My mother was a sociopath. She was the sweetest, most beautiful and doting mother on earth. Very talented.

But she had a dark side. She was bent on turning us kids (5) all against our father – especially me. I was her favorite hand picked target.

As a child she indulged me a lot and I was very dependent upon her. She manipulated aggressively, always telling graphic stories to me about my dad’s unfaithfulness and anger (she could really push his buttons), even at a very young age around 6 – 8 years old.

Of course I did not have any idea that she was also telling awful lies about me to my dad! I had been carefully groomed and was completely unaware of the ways of a pathological. When in my late 20’s – 30’s, I figured out she was playing games, and tried to confront her a few times with no results.

I did not understand exactly what she was until after much therapy in my 50s, long after she passed away. Everybody who knew her thought she was so perfect and wonderful. She was very good at projecting that image and fooled everyone.

She was driven. I remember even on her deathbed, her last dying words and gestures involved pitting my father and I against each other, behind our backs while we cared for her.

Although she did a very good job of hiding it, I see now that she had such an empty life.

I couldn’t share any of this with my siblings. Nor my father, our relationship was irreparably damaged.

Only recently have I been able to share with a couple of my siblings. But most of them believe the image she projected and not me. In fact, they have pretty much rejected me in general.

I noticed on Lovefraud most of the stories are about romantic relationships. Indeed, I suppose that is where pathologicals cause the most damage, especially where children or divorce are concerned.

But what really messed me up were a few close friendships, and an almost-affair, where I was drawn to similar relationships.

It seems like the world is full of these people, in any workplace or institution —schools, churches, clubs.

In my case these are people who are not they way they represent themselves — no one ever had any idea. They were outwardly friendly and responsible people. Not the high risk-takers so often read about. But they had one thing in common — they took pleasure in setting me up and stabbing me in the back repeatedly.

I will say, I thank my lucky stars every day for my wonderful husband of 27 years who is not pathological at all.

I am working through strong feelings of guilt, confusion, and a lack of self worth. I mourn that any relationship with my father was taken from me.

I have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for many years. Fortunately I also have a great therapist who has been helping me unravel this problem for about 7 or 8 years. Still, I have a very long road ahead of me.



20 Comments on "My mother was bent on turning us kids against our father"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. M says:

    Oh yes…My mother did this so bad. Still tries to. She did her best to turn everyone possible against my father. Now, he wasn’t the greatest husband. And he was not a perfect father. But he was and is lightyears away from my mother. Growing up I learned to literally avoid eye contact with her if my dad did anything (or didn’t do something) which I knew would irritate my mom, b/c I could feel her stare just waiting to make eye contact with me and give me that knowing look of “can you believe him? Can you believe what he is doing right now?” I didn’t want it to be me and her against him. I didn’t want to be against him at all. My mom did this with our entire family. We, my siblings and I, grew up thinking that our entire extended family hated us. After Christmas at my grandma’s house my mom would sit and complain to us how our cousins got more and better presents than we did. Literally, she would pop the video (you know, back when people VHS recorded all family events with recorders the size of brief cases) of all of us kids opening presents, and would literally count, tally, how many presents each kid got. And looking back at it as an adult, I realize that some of us got fewer presents b/c we were older and our gifts cost more. Gifts for little kids can be incredibly cheap. But until years into adulthood, I was still convinced my grandparents hated me. My mom’s own parents! I’m fortunate now that I built a relationship with them, before my grandfather died, and am pretty close to my grandmother who is more of a mother to me than my own mom ever was. But I can never tell her the reality of who and what her daughter is, or how she tried to turn me against them for years. Mothers can really suck.



    Report this comment

  2. TenTanToes says:

    Oh yes…so there ARE other mothers with this.
    Mine had a different slant in that she told horrendous but somewhat believable tales to everyone and ABOUT everyone with very few exceptions. I like ‘lobelle’ believed the ugliness she told me about my dad for the most part and she could also push his very sensitive buttons. (He ‘joined’ the Army before 16 to get away from starvation, his first new set of clothes and pair of shoes . ..military issued…and he was a Korean War combat veteran. )

    Mom met him just after he’d been in for 8 yrs and left Army and she pretty much latched on. She was 3 or so months pregnant with me before he did marry her.

    Never once did he hit her and God knows how he kept from killing her. She had me so brainwashed into being her protector it just just got me hurt.

    The twist my story has is I was the oldest of two girls. Eight years older. I was NOT the favored one by her because I was ‘the pretty one’. My mother was no longer the center of her little universe. Her own mother adored me as I did her…she knew her daughter! Mom told lies about dad to everyone and lies ABOUT everyone to him. She (by her own mother’s accounts) would not even let my father play with me and made filth out of him tickling me in the ribs, etc.

    The worst was her chasing and carrying out affairs with men. Usually married ones! Yet she talked badly (probably lies) about women doing that!

    When I was when not in school I was my sister’s baby sitter. LOTS of animosity from her over this and she grew up a mini-mom.( Her children are as if terrified to talk to me when THEIR mom is around. ) She was and isn’t a gargoyle but not ‘the pretty one’ so sister STILL jealous.

    As for our health…I was sick often. Horrendous ear infections…back and legs and feet hurting (spine curving from really fast growth)..etc. etc. Mom would brag that HER work medical insurance was even better than dad’s but ignored all the notes home from elementary school on about even my vision. I finally got glasses age 13 at a myopic -6 ! No apology for calling me a liar about vision. No apology for letting me suffer that long….she just complained she had to pay some the ins. didn’t cover.
    Nothing else done about my health problems. Not my back. Not the ear infections. Not the headaches. Told dentist she had to keep me in glasses and the younger one only would get braces . I will never forget the look on that dentist’s face. He was shocked for me in the saddest way.

    Here was her take on intimacy. The subject of women who were pregnant from rapes came up with her two sisters…mom said GETTING PREGNANT FROM A RAPE means THEY ENJOYED IT.
    HER ‘PROOF’ was that she only enjoyed sex twice and she had two kids! Believe me she did NOT get that from her parents!

    Dad told me things in a conversation he initiated with me when I was about 40….he asked me if she had been abused or raped before he met her age 20. No….anything but. Her mother had 7 kids to take care of but had to make sure my mother was not carrying through with dates she made to sneak out with married men when she was just into her teens. Yet she hated sex with my movie star handsome father all through their marriage.

    So yet another sociopathic mother! I never found that good man that stayed good. I sometimes feel I was too nice and hard working and did enjoy intimacy with my two marital attempts. ..they ran off with women who chased married men!

    Would that be called ‘the sins of the mother’ falling to the daughter?



    Report this comment

  3. Delores says:

    I cannot imagine a mother doing this unless she is afraid the father will hurt the children. I actually protected the psychopath father of my children by not telling them the truth. When my son started middle school, he was being terrorized by 16 -18 year old bullies. Yes, still in middle school. I asked his dad to pay half of private school but he would not. So I sold my house and moved to another school district; out of the frying pan and into the fire. I then moved away when to another state that had good public schools when I heard he was planning to take my son away and separate the children…which he did anyway by buying him a car at age 15.

    So I ask those of you who hate your mother: was she really evil or was she trying to protect you? Was she so hurt by his psychopathic behavior that she wanted to spare you that pain? Have you asked her to tell you the whole story or do you just blame her because you do not want to know the truth? Victims of psychopaths are often seen as the aggressor because the psychopath hides his evil in secret and puts on his fake good guy mask and goes Scott free.



    Report this comment

    • Annie says:

      Wow. I’ve seen some pretty insensitive blog comments from time to time. But this one is right up there with the best.

      Is there a prize for ‘pouring salt in the wound’ insensitivity? I nominate your comment. Brava! Clap, clap! Well done!

      (Sarc off)



      Report this comment

    • Annie says:

      So, let me get this straight: you’re saying that “I cannot imagine” the possibility that a mother could be a sociopath?

      Sounds like a great opportunity for a book, Donna!



      Report this comment

    • Delores – I assure you, this story is authentic and I have heard of many, many cases of sociopathic mothers who behaved like this and worse.

      Women can be sociopaths. And when they are, their behavior to their children and spouses is brutal.



      Report this comment

    • TenTanToes says:

      My mother was jealous. I was so desperate to please her it led me to fall for her ‘oh poir me . Your father is so mean’ routine. Even though I knew better.



      Report this comment

    • TenTanToes says:

      No Annie….my mother is…as her siblings all told me later. ..was ALWAYS just plain mean. When I turned into the center of attention she got worse. Dad suffered. I suffered. My sister is certainly not normal for it.



      Report this comment

      • Annie says:

        Hi TTT, I don’t think you intended this comment for me…? I’m totally with you – my mthr was exactly the same way.

        Matter of fact, I’d like to thank you, “M” (who commented here) and Lobelle55 for what you’ve posted. I’m in my 50’s, and had eventually figured out that my mthr was telling falsehoods to me about my father.

        For the life of me I don’t understand why I never saw it before, but I had never considered that she was telling horrible falsehoods about ‘me’ to my father. My father was really close to me when I was young, but pulled away when I became a teenager. I had figured out some of the reasons he pulled away, but for some reason never considered this one. And yet, it’s the easiest thing to do and the most logical. And that was even knowing that she had told horrible lies about me to his co-workers. I guess brain-washing blinds you to all kinds of obvious truths, doesn’t it.



        Report this comment

        • TenTanToes says:

          I am amazed at all here who have written in. Isn’t it sad for a person to be as our mothers were? Mine seems the most twisted. From what I read from all comments they were determined to be the favored parent. I was physically injured getting between the two afraid he would hurt her. Found out years after an ER visit for stitches what she had done and then said to him in front of two friends and a brother. I would have let him smack her had I known.
          We must all be in our 50’s and probably like me…have cut all contact.



          Report this comment

    • TenTanToes says:

      Delores….read these posts. ( Bullies? I was a tall but nearly frail gal and I smacked and pummeled down my own and those who bullied others…I was in that protective mode from always protecting ‘poor’ mom.)
      Your motherhood seems to have been quite different from the ones of us here.
      I used to think mothers were all perfect. Took me decades to wake up and give up.



      Report this comment

  4. TenTanToes says:

    Good. And I can add a chapter … a long one…about the difference made between my sister and myself. IE.. two times when I was visiting after I was out of that nest…my mother takes sister to the emergency room over a sore throat!! She had no health calamities like I did. My mother even suggested it.was ME making her ‘sick’.
    ..



    Report this comment

  5. Annie says:

    She was driven. I remember even on her deathbed, her last dying words and gestures involved pitting my father and I against each other, behind our backs while we cared for her.

    […]

    I couldn’t share any of this with my siblings. Nor my father, our relationship was irreparably damaged.

    Only recently have I been able to share with a couple of my siblings. But most of them believe the image she projected and not me. In fact, they have pretty much rejected me in general.

    I hear you there, Lobelle, and I feel for you. I have similar experiences, and similar regrets. I’m very sorry for your experience.



    Report this comment

  6. TenTanToes says:

    Thank you Lobelle for being brave to tell what you went through. I can deal with my own bad memories and the regrets I had not speaking privately to my father about it decades before he passed away. But it was much too little and almost too late. (I said since childhood mom could have been a psychologist she was so good at talking people into what she wanted them to do. Now I can see I had the wrong word.)



    Report this comment

  7. 4Light2shine says:

    Lobelle thank you for sharing your story. As awful as your childhood was you should be thankful that you didn’t take after her. Our families can really do a number on us. During highly stressful times especially, those unresolved issues just pop right to the surface. Good that you are working on coming to terms with things. It is exhausting and daunting sometimes, I know.
    Your moms ability to fool everyone and that they all believed in the image she projected. Yeah I know that one all too well. Of course I know men like this definitely, but with my female spath it is different. People absolutely adore her. My primary spath networks with several of the spathy males in my area and they are all well respected top knotch at impression management. With her though people are deeply desperately bonded. In the book The Sociopath Next Door one of the characters was Doreen Littlefield the “nicest person in the world”. Very similar to mine. Very controlled and calculating when plotting and executing her powerplays. Incredible cook. Loves to entertain. Works tirelessly to engratiate herself to others. Of course all the while lying and slandering toying with others lives in little power games. Most of this is in the context of my religios culture. While these spathy men all have positions of authority, she has more power to influence than any of them.



    Report this comment

  8. 4Light2shine says:

    Because I believe that this is too important an opportunity for enlightenment and growth I’m going to share a link that is directly on topic. Whether you decide to read the experiences following or not, please read the first few paragraphs and finish out the comments from Dr.s Hare and Babiac. Btw I tried for literally hours this morning to cut and paste those paragraphs here. Almost gave up.
    http://psychopathsandlove.com/the-truth-about-female-psychopaths/



    Report this comment

  9. winifred says:

    My husband’s children with his sociopath ex are now almost 20 and almost 25, they not only don’t want anything to do with their dad(my husband), but they still try to lie, manipulate, control and guilt my husband out of everything! Their “mothers ” mission throughout their entire lives from birth has been to alienate them from their father, and she has succeeded! People that have gone thru “normal bitter divorces” say they will realize it someday…not these kids, she is IN THEM! She spends every waking moment getting everything for free by coning innocent people, and the kids have learned the trick also! They feel no guilt or remorse for anything, the only thing that they know is that we owe them all 3 for the rest of their lives.( by all three I mean the 2 kids and the ex).He will never know his grand kids…..! He has missed out on one of them getting married, both of their graduations from high school…ect.He has had to let go to save himself! I just want to have the front row center seat when Karma comes their way! Winifred



    Report this comment

    • TenTanToes says:

      Perhaps I am way off on this, but your step children are HALF the age most of us who have had our awakenings about our mothers are.
      Some children are doomed to be like one parent or the other seemingly a genetic curse.
      In my 20’s I was away from both but for visits.
      (My mother then just concentrated on hurting my feelings by coddling my sister into stupidity in my presence.) My parents lived separately though married. Dad was past his anger for the most part and would show up at mom’s where I unhappily stayed to keep peace. She would pout and insult over dad and I going sightseeing around together. But we did anyway!
      It sounds like that ex is an in place GRIFTER and I just feel so so sorry for your husband.
      I wonder if he got them off separately and just told them he loves them equally but the pain their mother has caused him THROUGH them is getting to be too much to bear? Would he consider it or just needs to get away from them all?
      At least he could put his feelings and thoughts over a period of time in writing. Meaning no rushed letters. Things they can read say…5 years from now?
      (Do be sure grandchildren are taken care of or call Children’s Services.
      And if you have children…I hope they can fill as much of that hollow spot with him as possible.
      Blessings to you both.



      Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.