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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I still love the stupid jerk — what is wrong with me?

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Lila” — she posts as “gruuvygirl.”

Like many of the women I see on this site, I stumbled here while searching for answers as to why my four-year relationship is so incredibly painful and why I keep going back for more pain and heartache. I feel like I have lost my mind.

At the beginning, our relationship was awesome. I was soooo happy because I thought I had finally found “the one” – my soul mate! He was handsome, drove a Harley, liked to do the same things I do, he was friendly and everyone liked him (I thought), he had a house on the lake and a job, but mostly he seemed to adore me.

But even at the beginning there were red flags. I just chose to ignore them, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Actually he lied to me the very first day I met him. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.

I met him at a bike rally and after spending the day together, he asked if I wanted to ride his bike back to his house. I was unfamiliar with the area and asked how far it was to his house. He told me 20 minutes. On the bike 20 minutes passed, then 25, then 30, then 35, then 40. Forty-five minutes later we arrived. I was terrified – thinking that he was taking me somewhere to murder me! I just laughed it off.

He showed up and never left

The day after I met him, he showed up at my place, and pretty much never left. It was awkward and it felt uncomfortable, but I was taken with him so I ignored my uneasy feeling.

He was with me constantly. He missed work so he could hang with me. He was always under foot. He showered me with compliments and told me he loved me after just four days — another red flag I ignored.

He said “I love you” dozens and dozens of times a day – so much so that it was annoying. It was like the words were meaningless and coming from a robot. But at first, it was exhilarating that he was so crazy about me. Well, I soon found out that he was just crazy!

Married four times

It didn’t take long for me to notice something was not right with him. He told me he’d been married twice. I found out it was four times (at least) and that he was STILL married to the last one! He didn’t volunteer this information, I found out on the computer.

When I mentioned the lies, he blew it off like it was nothing, making me feel like I was prying where I didn’t belong. What??

He was always talking about big plans for the future – a business he was going to start – and he wanted me to be a part of it. It was exciting. After four years, he’s done nothing towards making this happen.

I’ve come to realize that he is all talk, no action. He couldn’t start a business when he couldn’t let me out of his sight for 10 minutes. He suffocated me – and when I explained that me-time was important to me, and something I needed in the relationship, he acted hurt and got mad and totally disregarded this need.

Every time I needed space or time alone, he threw a temper tantrum or pouted. But I slowly got used to it.

Wanted sex

He did nice things for me a lot but mentioned what he did over and over – milking praise and adoration from me for even the smallest little things – like taking out the trash. It became clear though that every thing he did for me was not to be nice. Everything had a string attached.

Usually it was that he wanted sex. He wanted sex at least once a day. Sex was incredible! I loved it. But I had no choice whether or not I wanted to – I had to every night or he would make me miserable with his tantrums and pouting.

He told me AFTER we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C!! I was shocked.

But again, I let that slide too as if it were nothing.

Raped me

Not too long after we started dating, he raped me the first time. Like I said, I was not allowed to say no to sex. Afterwards, when I was upset and crying and accused him of raping me, he told me I wanted it. OMG! I said no and fought him off ‘til I was tired! But I wanted it?

He raped me two times again after that – several months later – once when I had a house full of family over for Thanksgiving! But I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I started to loathe sex with him after awhile, because it seemed that was all he cared about.

He was obsessed with porn and would watch it on my laptop even after I expressly asked him not to. We’d fight about it, he’d promise not to do it again, and a day or two later, I’d here the moans and screams of some chick on the porn he was watching. He’d lie and say it accidentally came on.

Lie and deny

He lied so much it hurt my head. I couldn’t argue with him, because he denied denied denied everything wrong he ever did.

He would watch porn on his smart phone out in the living room with my teenage daughter in the house. He eventually ruined my laptop by getting a virus from one of the skanky sites he was on!

Another night I got up in the middle of the night and he is watching it in the living room – again with my daughter in the house! But he always convinced me that I was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything, and I was just a bitch!

Everyone but me started to hate him. Every girl in my family said he gave them the creeps with his dead cold eyes. It took me years before I finally saw what they were talking about.

Ripped off everyone

He worked construction but worked sporadically, dragging jobs out forever and pissing off his clients. He ripped off almost everyone he worked for. No one called him back for second jobs.

He stole money from me, I caught him with my DVDs in his suitcase, plus he stole other things from me too. But he denied it all or had a stupid excuse every time I would bust him.

He NEVER did anything wrong. It was all me being a bitch!

Two different times I was told that he was hitting on girls when I wasn’t around. When I confronted him of course he denied it – saying he only had eyes for me! Blah Blah Blah. I never really bought his bull crap – and it was starting to stack up!!

He lies all the time. He tells big stories about people he knows and the respect he gets from cops and judges and that he can pull strings for people because of the power he has. It’s all bull!!!

He gets what he wants from me by bullying or manipulating me. It’s exhausting! His words are cheap. His actions speak volumes.

Talked bad about me

He has talked bad about me to my kids and my friends – I guess trying to get them to think he was Mr. Cool Guy and I was the crazy one or the bitchy one.

He always tried to turn people away from me and to him – but always behind my back. He was SNEAKY and it hurt that about every 3 months I’d find that he betrayed me and broke my heart.

One day while looking for a picture he’d taken on his phone, I discovered that he had memberships in about 5-6 sex hook-up sites. I was so heartbroken that it physically hurt! Even with the printed out pages of his profiles as proof, he denied it!

Had a stroke

He had a stroke a couple of years ago and I never left his side, nursing him back to health, even though he talked to me like dirt and was demanding and rude.

How did he repay me? After he was back on his feet, I discovered “Kim Babe” saved in his phone.

So I called Kim Babe and got the shock of my life. He’d been having an affair with her for five months and even had her moved into our lake house! She didn’t know about me either. It was a shock to her too.

He used her for money, clothes and sex. He denied it too, even after I talked to her and got the whole story! She told me that he told her he loved her within the first week too!!!

Called me her name

I was so hurt. But after brief separation, I took him back. Stupid Stupid Stupid! In the first couple of months after reuniting, he actually called me by her name, not once but FOUR times!

Once while having sex and once while saying I love you.

How do you do that four times? It was like he did it on purpose to hurt me! I’ve found him on sex hook up sites twice since the cheating too! His sex addiction is disgusting!

Wants all my attention

He insists on having all of my attention and gets pissed when I spend time with friends or family.

My first grandbaby was born September 2013 and I babysit her every day. He is even jealous of the baby! If he isn’t getting the attention he thinks he deserves, he starts a huge fight and ruins family trips and outings all the time!

No matter what I do it isn’t enough. He has no interests except me and what I’m doing! He has no friends. Even his own mom told me to break up with him because he’s evil!

Going to explode

All of this is sandwiched between doting attention and “I love you” constantly. It’s got me feeling like I am going to explode!

No one wants me to be with him, and family and friends are getting so sick of me getting back together with him. I don’t blame them!

They are sick of hearing all the horrible things he does, only to see me run right back to it. I have no clue why I go back to him!

Fear of being alone probably. I’m a former high school teacher, nice looking and fun, but I have no self esteem and fear dying a lonely old lady.

Violence

In November we got into a huge fight and he dislocated two of my ribs, making it where I could barely move or breathe for two months. I didn’t hide what happened from my family and they now HATE him.

When watching TV, if there is fighting going on – he laughs – like most people laugh watching comedies! It’s creepy!

He has four or five kids but isn’t in any of their lives. He’s always too busy chasing women.

He has three grandkids and I know in the four years we’ve dated, he’s never seen them!

He has no friends. His family hates him. His oldest daughter told me once that they believe he molested her when she was a baby. She also said he had raped before!

I brushed it off as the ex-wife’s baseless accusations, but now I don’t know!

He’s a former biker gang member and I’ve heard some pretty scary stories of violent things he’s done in the past. He dismisses it as the past is the past and that was back when I was drinking.

Since the cheating

We’ve been rocky since the cheating. I hung in there, but I never treated him warmly like I did before he cheated. We fight, he disappears for days and doesn’t answer his phone and gives me the cold shoulder. I figure he is with someone else during that time, because he doesn’t like to be alone.

Then he comes back, swearing he was just working and making money for “us” although I never see any of the money.

Ugh! It’s a vicious, terrible, soul-sucking cycle!

Last straw

Last weekend was finally the last straw.

He came by and left me 40 bucks so I could drive down to our lake house. I told him I probably wouldn’t go, but I decided to go ahead and go.

I called him all day to let him know I was on the way, but he never answered.

I got down there and pulled in the driveway and he poked his head out the door, saw it was me, and shut and locked the door. I knocked and knocked. I started to wonder if I had hallucinated, seeing him look out the door.

Finally, I gave the door a good kick and it opened. He came storming out of the upstairs bedroom screaming about me kicking the door and telling me to, “Get the F*&^ out.”

I said, “Who is in the bedroom?”

He said no one, but kept standing in front of the door so I couldn’t go in.

I was crying and screaming – feeling like I was in a nightmare, scared to death to see what I already knew was in our bedroom.

He pushed me to the floor and pinned me down so she could get past me and out of the house.

My heart was broken and I was mad! I was screaming and yelling and he punched me right in the face.

I left and haven’t talked to him since.

He loves me

He’s been texting me that he loves me.

Really?? You lock me out of the house after I drove 2.5 hours to spend the weekend with you, because you are with a girl, and you love me??

He said he had just given her a ride for some friends, blah blah blah, more lies.

He did say he was sorry at the end.

I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me”. Oh my God!!

Unbelievably – after catching him red-handed with a girl, he wasn’t sorry, he only raged at me and blamed ME – saying my jealousy was the problem.

What girl wouldn’t be mad in that situation? Am I crazy??

Blames me

He blames me so much for everything that I start to believe it!

He never apologizes, and if he does, it’s insincere. He never shows remorse or concern when I’m hurt and crying.

We get along great if it is just he and I and no one else – and we are doing what he wants. But I’m not going to be his slave!

I’ve never cheated on him, but he accuses me of it all the time! It feels awful!

He never apologizes or even acknowledges doing anything wrong! It’s so frustrating!

He respects no boundaries. He even read my journal! Not only did he read it, but wrote rude things in the margins! Who does that???? I’m dumbfounded!

Dead in a ditch

This last fight he told me my family was going to find me dead in a ditch, and I kinda believe him! He always threatens to beat me up and even kill me, but later makes light of it saying he was “just mad.”

I don’t want him near me or my granddaughter. But I still love the stupid jerk! What is wrong with me??

Does he sound like a sociopath to you? He meets every one of the critieria on the list except the intense staring. I don’t think he does that.

I’ve been reading stories on this site for a long time, so I know about the no contact rule. It’s so hard but I’m really trying to do it this time.

 

I’m sorry this is so rambling. I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile now. It’s hard to get all the chaos to flow into a smooth story.

Help!!



81 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I still love the stupid jerk — what is wrong with me?"

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  1. claimmypower says:

    Jan7 – your insights are amazingly helpful and I’m amazed how you picked up on his patterns. He does leave a trail of destruction wherever he goes. He just keeps plowing ahead regardless of the consequences to others. Journaling is a great idea, and I’ve ordered Woman Who Love Psychopaths. Should be here in a day or two.

    I’ve got a six day stretch coming up when both my sons will be gone. I’m anxious and sad about hAving so much alone time. The boys are a helpful distraction.

    Embarking on Day 4! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. So helpful!



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    • Jan7 says:

      Claimmypower & Janedoe, hugs to you both! I’m just shaking my head at the evilness in this world. I was also thinking of the dozen years I was married to my ex h and how much I cried during that time & prayed for answers as I felt so alone. To find LF & other support sites has been a blessing for all of us. I always say that the one thing that the sociopaths of this world did not count on is all the victims getting together to life each other up & to heal together. So powerful!

      Claimmypower…Cheers to Day 4 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Janedoe, thank you for sharing your story here today. It’s so sad how many hearts have been broken just by opening up your heart & showing your vulnerability to a mate.

      For me read everything on the manipulation techniques of a sociopath and how it related to my marriage really opened up my mind and now I can’t even think about my ex without seeing true evil…claimmypower like Janedoe stated you will get to that point when the fog lifts. Keep moving forward with NC it works wonders 🙂



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      • janedoe says:

        Jan7
        You’re a great inspiration with many healing wise words.
        I wanted to tell the jist of my story because I know when I first dealt with all of this, anyone who had similarities to me, was a great help.
        I spared so many details because I’ve told the story so many times lol. The most surprising for me when I can to LF was that no matter in which way we were treated, it all comes down to tj same thing. I never knew that this abnormal behaviour ever existed. Then I came here and have had nothing but support and so much in common with everyone.
        I hope clammy power knows that it does get better even though at this moment it seems impossible and the hurt won’t go away…it does.
        I believe she stated that she can’t imagine going NC…oh I know that feeling so well. But I got to the point where I had to think of my self respect and dignity…yes when I first found out the horrible truth mine had done to me I cried and even begged him not to do this. I was in a state of shock and I begged. I was emailing him very regularly when he got married, I wasn’t seeing clearly and didn’t care that he was married. It got to a point that I was emailing and he just wasn’t responding. And when he did after a month and claimed that he didn’t have time to respond…it was like a slap in the face. I had my pride suddenly and wasn’t giving him the satisfaction of begging or messaging him. That’s when I said it’s enough and went NC. Yes he contacted me four months later at Xmas begging to see me but I felt so good having done the NC for four months. I had strength and was claiming my self respect back.
        Clammy power can do this, there may be some setbacks back she will succeed 🙂



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  2. janedoe says:

    Hi clammy power
    Your story…very similar to my story just a short year ago. In fact he is celebrating his one year anniversary any day now….puke!
    I was in a relationship for 3-4 years and was love bombed at the beginning and that alone was red flag number one and I shd have thought he was crazy then. Little by little over the course of time, more and more things happened that indicated he was cheating and lying and manipulating. I found many many open pages on his computer, where he was having heavy conversations as though it were me he was speaking to. Promises of marriage and trips together, wanting kids are with them, putting them on a pedestal. I approached him and he ALWAYS had a reason for it. Since it was just the beginning for me at the time I figured all his stories about these women were true. sometimes he made me believe I was seeing things. He’s erase or delete whatever it was j saw and claimed there was nothing and I must have been seeing things.
    Deep down I knew, I had a feeling he was nuts. But I loved the attention from him and the amazing time we spent together. I live in North America and he in Europe…who knew what he was doing all day long, right? It sure seemed like all his time was devoted to me though with the numerous messages a day and many trips where he came here for lengths at a time..I got myself to believe “ok big deal if he is doing a little flirting, after all it is me who’s speaking with him all day and trips were made together quite a few times a year. I ignored it all. But something in the back
    Of my mind was always there. I was stressed each day if I hadn’t heard from him and if he didn’t sound the same each time. Or if we planned on speaking at certain times and he didn’t show up. He was always up at weird hours and slept very little and then would tell me he needed time to sleep due to exhaustion. I could go on and on with all the warnings.
    Finally a year ago we were together and had a beautiful week. I knew about this girl he had been speaking about who was apparently after him. He said h met her through one of his “short term” work contracts…he never had a steady job but insisted he worked for the government doing top secret stuff and only worked by contracts.
    So this girl was after him and he told me about it the year before. But be made it sound that he wasn’t interested at all..calling her names and degrading her..constantly showing me pics
    Of how ugly he thought she was. This went on for a year until last year while we were away together was the last j saw of him. He left here, and a week
    Later he was on a plane to her and they were married.
    He tried to convince me that entire time she was an awful person. He was in contact telling me up until he flew there, that he was so sorry but what kind of future could we have and he wasn’t sure what he was doing but he was doing it. He loved me more than anyone ever and I was this and that, blah blah
    I was devastated and a year later since LF I am slowly recovering. NC was the only thing plus the woman on LF that gave me back sanity.
    He has contacted me several times..the first time declaring he made a huge mistake and would u pls see him. The love bombing began all
    Over again like a new relationship. I fell for it and I felt sorry for him..this was at Xmas. He then contacted me The very next day and apologized for getting my hopes up but he loved his wife and me too but he can’t do this to her. Again I was devastated…
    I’m trying to make this short so not to bore you!
    Since back and forth a few days after Xmas and doing the same crap I went NC again. He re contacted me three times since with the love bombinf and promises and then the day after taking it back. I’ve deleted many things so he can’t contact me but somehow at times I’ve caved in I admit.
    I know this man is so poison..while
    He plays his sympathy on me about how I’m
    The only true love of his, he did all he did to me. Only distance has given me this clarity to stop lying to myself that he is a good person.
    As time goes forward I think less of him. I haven’t forgotten a lot of things that were special but the dishonest and betrayal disgusts me
    Everyone here has given you some
    Great advice and jan7 knows what she’s talking about. Keep reading here and asking questions over and over and inform yourself on this type of warped human being. With time when that fog
    Lifts believe it or not, you will start to begin to see what a creepy terrible person he is.
    I hope things are going well with NC and congrats for making it this far 🙂



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  3. claimmypower says:

    Wow. Janedoe, so many things you wrote about happened to me! Throughout our entire relationship, he would get my hopes up, sometimes with little things (promise to go shopping together and then would back out) to big things (telling me his engagement was going downhill, he was going to buy a boat and sail the Caribbean with me, talking about starting a business together). The next day, it was like nothing happened. One night he would profess his love…I was the woman he always wanted, blah, blah, blah..the next day he would say “I just want to be friends” or disappear for a night or get super mad about me not answering my cell phone immediately. My mind was constantly focused on what I needed to do to keep him “happy”….maybe happy isn’t the right term, because he was rarely happy. Avoiding angry comments, long silences and disappearances was more of what I was doing.

    There was a period of 3-4 months during our relationship when we weren’t living together. He would call at night and tell me how much he missed and loved me and how he wanted to be with me. The next day would tell me he just wanted to be friends and disappear for 4-5 days. He would surface again, profess his love and then disappear. I’m so glad you told me this happened to you, Janedoe. I would have fallen for it. Now, I’ll try to be smarter and remember what he was like during that awful summer and remember your story, too. These two guys sound very similar.

    One of the weirdest things happened when I found out that he had gotten engaged one weekend when he went out of town. BTW, he left my house and was engaged to her 36 hours later, but came back and resumed our relationship like nothing happened. When I finally found out two weeks later through a mutual acquaintance, I asked him when he planned to tell me about the engagement. He told me he planned to tell me at a concert he had bought very expensive tickets for. Did he think somehow that would make it easier for me to hear because I was at a country music concert? Crazy, crazy, crazy.



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    • janedoe says:

      Claim my power
      First off I have to apologize for getting your name wrong. I read it wrong and even thought it didn’t sound right when I typed it originally …so sorry!
      Like you my hopes were up constantly. I was always stressed each day during this time. He was always on my mind and everything I did revolved around his schedule. The compliments and promises poured in daily from him it almost was too good to be true. Even when visiting here he was doing all kinds of cheating and manipulating me and lying and looking back, now I see it more clearly.
      Funny thing is when he was good he was great but when there were times I wouldn’t hear from him I always knew something was up. I don’t know about your ex but mine had a horrible upbringing…he and three brothers from different fathers, his mother sexually abused him and she committed suicide and he found her when he was 13 or so…who knows he could have fabricated this but somehow I think that stuff could be true by things I’d seen
      Mine as well got engaged and pretending the whole time she was chasing him and he hated her. I couldn’t believe what he’d say about her but it was enough to convince me he didn’t care for her and she was chasing him.
      During our time together the things I’d discover would make anyone leave him. I found many different accounts with his picture as a profile but all these accounts were different names. He had many conversations with numerous women asking them to have his baby and marry him. When I would be sick with disgust and asked him, those accounts would disappear very quickly so I could not access them anymore and made me look stupid…all kinds of stupid things like this
      I really thought I loved him but all these things that happened I kept as a reminder as to what kind of person he was..up until that dreaded day he boarded that plane to marry a girl thirty years younger.
      I feel like i am repeating myself to you but you get the story..
      Although you are no contact has he tried to be in touch?
      It sounds exactly like mine would have done when he texted you the morning of his wedding claiming his love and what a mistake he’s making…omg this has happened to me since he’s been married…
      The excuses he would use for lies were so stupid…I don’t know who is dumber him or me for believing him.
      You do know he will try to resume contact with you? Kind of like to make sure you’re still there…it may be early at this point for you to have a clear head and See what he really is, that is why the no contact is important. Yes you will crave him and want him but if you can hold on and get over that hump, you will see what he has done is not normal…
      I’m in the same boat as you but a little further ahead and just starting to come out of the fog…
      I’m here for you if you have anything you need to know 🙂



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  4. janedoe says:

    Claimmypower
    I just wrote you something I’d forgotten about and thought I posted it. I can’t find it so will post again

    I noticed with my ex he was an extremely unorganized, impulsive secretive person. He had to have notes everywhere to remind him to do things. He had many spots where he would put the notes. A spot for his daily activist, a spot for things he needed to pay, a spot where he kept passwords to his many accounts, a spot for everything other wise he couldn’t remember.
    He had no concept of time either, he was always late and extremely unorganized in the way he went about anything. Very poor time management skills. Although he was a very bright educational man in the midst of achieving a masters/phd.
    He lost things on a daily basis due to his unorganized ways…keys, money, important documents, glasses, remotes…anything that comes to mind.
    Impulsivity was him to a tee. He could be here today and across the world tomorrow’. He was more than ready and willing to pick up and leave to do things.
    He was always venturing around the world whether it was for jobs or to meet women. Nothing ever stopped him.
    Most of his gf did come from around the globe. They were all very young and uneducated and on the poor side. He felt he was doing them a favour by teaching them the proper things in the world.
    It doesn’t surprise me he married someone thirty years younger and poor…I am ten years younger but more established and know where my life is headed, which was not the usual kind of person for him.
    His life was just a big mess all the time and he would get extremely stressed if you tried to suggest ways to help him stay on track. Almost as though he liked this irratic lifestyle.
    Has anything like this been noticeable in your ex?



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    • claimmypower says:

      Unorganized, impulsive, bright, erratic, late…that describes my ex, too! He had piles of unopened mail, receipts, empty containers, clothes all over in his car. He wanted to leave everything out on the counters so he “remembered”. Does one really need to keep their toothbrush out to remember to brush their teeth?? Actually, he tried to isolate his mess to a few main dumping sites with strict instructions not to touch his stuff. He was forgetful. For example, he would need me to help with something very important for his business, forget about it during the evening and then ask me to do it as I was trying to leave for work!

      My ex was also very abused in his childhood. Alcoholism, severe beatings, medical negligence. Until he was planning his wedding, he hadn’t had contact with many of his family members for years, especially his father, who sounds very horrible.

      My ex also sent emails to other woman professing his love, wanting to have babies with them. During the same week he proposed to me early in our relationship, he was corresponding with a woman in Europe, telling her he wanted to marry her.

      Those things said, he brought things into my life which I enjoyed and miss terribly. He was super funny, a great cook, insightful, challenging, resourceful, passionate, hard working, athletic and extremely street smart. Unfortunately, he was also manipulative, dishonest, irresponsible and unfaithful and he broke my heart.

      I am 5 days NC, not due to any effort of my own. He hasn’t tried to contact me, and I told him I wouldn’t contact him and am hell bent on sticking to that. Since I haven’t heard from him, of course, I start getting sad, thinking that he is having a wonderful honeymoon, being the guy I always wanted him to be, but with someone else. Now, my rational brain tells me this isn’t true. However, my emotional brain still wants to believe that somewhere inside him lives someone who was not manipulative, dishonest, irresponsible and unfaithful. Unfortunately, from what I read and from all the LF supporters who have shared their stories and wisdom, that is not true.

      Hopefully, someday I’ll find someone with all those great qualities minus the yucky stuff. Until then, lots of work to do on myself. Hugs to you all!



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      • Gaslit073168 says:

        Claim… you’re not giving yourself enough credit! It is ALL about your effort. You’re the one who says no contact by telling him so and then sticking by it!! You’re doing it, and you should be patting yourself on the back because it’s painful as hell to do it.

        I was lectured today about letting it go… as if that’s possible! I was told (by my close family) that I should be open to forgiveness because we all have our personal demons. Well, I’m aware of that, but the problem is this: most of us are bothered by our personal demons and try to change those dark parts of ourselves… he celebrates his personal demons and uses them to do great harm to others. I can’t decide to forgive that. Not right now anyway, and not before there are some consequences for his actions. The problem is his demons are too evil.

        So, tomorrow is my birthday and I wonder if I’ll get some anonymous message. About a week ago, I got a strange “unknown” phone call with no message. I feel like it was him. I hate to admit this, but I hope he does try to contact me. I want to know he remembers… I wish I could stop caring about these pointless things.

        Anyway Claim, you really are doing well. You’re NC and you plan to stay that way! Good for you! It begins getting easier, I can promise you that. I’ve been NC since July 9th. During those first several days, I went through total hell. Now I think about being face to face with him and I believe the sight of him would make me physically sick! Although being face to face would give me that very special opportunity for a quick sharp knee to the crotch — that urge is still there and I make no apologies for it!! 😀

        Everyone take care… HUGS to all !!!!!! <3 <3 <3



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        • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

          Gaslit073168
          I apologize for not being current on your story or ClaimMyPower. But I want to respond to a couple of things you wrote. Fair disclosure: You sound young(nd hip, or cool, or whatever word they use today). I am not; I’m old, fat, and Ugly. But I have some things I have concluded LONG ago.

          1) Once you’re over 18, you are a legal adult and NO ONE has the right to lecture you about ANYTHING. We are all on our own journey in life to figure it out. What works for others doesn’t work for everyone. So… UNLESS you solicited their opinion (opinion, as in Everyones-got-one and no ones is more valid than any other), then that means such a thoughtless and coldhearted opinion reveals who they are….they outed themselves as a control person… kinda like a hall monitor. (Did you have those in school? We did and they were good two shoes twits, with no heart about the crap that happens to people in life.)

          2) A simple directive like “ya’ll should forgive and forget” doesn’t mean they are right or even that’s good advice (’cause it isn’t. It’s crap advice.). It simply means that someone hasn’t lived enough to realize there are things that are UNFORGIVABLE.

          Forgiveness is an enormous subject. Personally, since I self identify as Christian, I follow Jesus as my teacher and example. Jesus didn’t forgive Satan. Rather, he commanded Satan to “get behind me”. That’s not “forgiveness”, that’s dismissal. On a philosophical level, I am unable to forgive the monster who destroy my child. So… I turned it over to GOD. I released the feelings that were too much for mortal me, and I take comfort that GOD has the final say. I am Yoked to GOD, and he makes my burden light. (think metaphors) I had to remind myself often that it’s not my battle anymore, it’s GOD’s but that’s what allows me to focus on what I want in my life, not on what unforgivable thing was done to me.

          3) The HARDEST days are our special days. We are more vulnerable then. So you would like to think he remembers, but know this: His ‘remembering’ isn’t about care or connection, it’s about CONTROL OVER YOU. Think of him as having the character of Smeagol/Gollum. When he’s “nice”, it’s only a set up for Gollum to unleash. Ewww. Gollum. A slime ball. possessed by an evil murderous demon.

          Go celebrate a fantastic birthday. Focus on event after event to validate and EMPOWER YOU, a person who has better things to do and better people to do them with than HIM. And don’t let a “friend” trivialize abuse. Friends don’t do that. Disloyal Aholes do that.

          I say, start NOW. Pick yer song. I’ll save you from having to imagine me dancing but I love all music so let’s all dance and celebrate the GREAT Birthday of GasLit073168. Whoo whoo! lalalalallllaaaaa!



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      • Gaslit073168 says:

        Total disorganization was a huge part of my ex spath as well. He would get angry if I tried to help him get his life together. I was interfering! He made bad impulsive decisions on a regular basis with no regard for the consequences. His memory was a nightmare (brain cancer was the excuse, but I’m not so sure it’s true that memory issues were caused by the cancer or surgeries because they weren’t on those centers of the brain that focus on memory). He used the memory concerns as an excuse for a lot of his behavior. He had very poor judgment and made bad decisions on a regular basis, even though he knew he was making a mistake. He was very immature and seemed to want to do things that younger people did, like going to teen movies, wave to strangers out a car window and laugh about it, that sort of thing. I did learn why he was so secretive about the computer… preteen porn isn’t something he wanted to share with me! Makes me sick that I lived in the same home with that nastiness for as long as I did.

        Interesting that many of them have these traits!



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