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Divorce Settlements-Strategically Giving Them What They Want: Financials with a Sociopath Part 5 of 5

Part of a Now 5 Week Series:

Week 1:  Running a Business with a Sociopath

Week 2:  The Downfall of a Business with a Sociopath

Week 3: Preparing for Divorce

Week 4: Divorce and Aftermath Part A

Week 5:  Divorce and Aftermath Part B

Divorce and Aftermath Part B

Now that I knew the business was indeed going bankrupt, I had to make a decision.  I knew by this time the only way to get what I needed was to make him think that he was getting what he wanted.  I knew that he would not stop the fighting in this divorce if he did not get what he wanted.  He would not care how much money we spent on attorney’s fees and court.  Having someone to fight with was actually a bonus for him.  He liked the chaos and strife; he thrived off of it.

Money was what drove him.  He also wanted the business.  I wanted my daughter safe.  Now that I knew the business had turned upside down, there was no point in trying to negociate for it’s worth since no one would buy it in the state it was in.  After my calculations, there was enough to pay off all the debt that we both had including attorney’s fees, and pay me a one time alimony payment.  In addition, he would have plenty left over for himself to start it up again or do whatever he wanted with it.

I decided to strategize my plan around the fact that he wanted money.  I wanted to go in the office and write the check for the amount owed on all the debts and force the debt pay off so it could be done with.  But my office manager was afraid of tipping the spath off.  I should have just done it myself and forced it, but I didn’t.  My office manager had a way with words and was able to persuade the spath of my plan with paying off the debts, paying me, ending the divorce and starting up again.  Well that’s what the spath said.  I had major reservations about not just doing it myself, because I did not trust my ex what so ever to fulfill his word.

Weeks went by when checks that came into the business were supposed to be used to pay off the debt, and weeks went by that those checks did not pay off the debt.  I still did not have access to the funds, only through my office manager and my ex, so the only way I could get access to funds were to go and write a check in the office when my ex was not there and have my office manager use my ex’s stamp signature, since my name had been removed for all the bank accounts.  I should have just done that and got it over with.  But once again I was trying to play nice.

Rule 69

Almost a month went by of false promises of starting to pay the debts which included tax debt, my attorney’s fees, a loan from my Dad and my medical bills.  Nothing was happenening, just the same lies.  I started to get ancy because every day that went by was another day that funds were being depleted from the account and being used on everything else except paying these debts.  I was still responsible for the debts but I could not have access to my funds to be able to pay them.

Then something fun happened.  I realized that a credit card I still had in my possession I had opened for the business years ago, had our business account registered online to pay off the credit card.  So I thought I would spice things up a bit and get things moving along by using that card to pay some of my attorney’s fees online, and then pay off the card with every purchase using the business bank account.  I was able to force payment to my attorney’s.  That definitely got his attention.  I was able to pay almost 2k to my attorneys before he locked that account as well, but at least I could show my attorneys that part of the debt was being tended to.

By doing this, it opened up the opportunity for me to slip my ex a Rule 69 that I drafted up.  I did not include talk of alimony in the Rule 69 because I knew he was never going to go for that.  I had to stick with what I knew he would settle for, which is what he wanted from the beginning.  He thought he should have the entire business, and that I could take the house and equity and we should be even.  However, back at that time, the business was worth exponentially more than the equity of our house, so that wasn’t anything close to 50/50.  Now the equity of the house was worth more than the business, but he didn’t know that.  This might sound a bit devious, but it’s not, it’s strategic.  I deserved alimony, half of our equities and child support.  Since he wasn’t interested in participating in any alimony, I just didn’t call it alimony, however I knew I could use what I got from the equity in our home as a nest egg.

My proposition was that he take the entire business including all of it’s receivables and that he sign the house over to me free and clear including all the equity of the house.  Also, that he be responsible for paying all the debts.  The way I wrote that was general and fague so it wasn’t the main visual in the settlement offer.  I was banking on the first part that I wrote in the offer which was he got the business and all the receivables, and hopefully he would gloss over the rest of the agreement.  I got my office manager to convince him that this was a great deal, because it was, and had the spath sign it.  I’m not really sure if he knew that as soon as he signed that agreement it would be binding by law or not, but that wasn’t my problem.

Talk of settlement was in view shortly after and in a strange twist of events, he ended up with a bankrupt business, making monthly payments to my Dad for a loan, paying all of the tax debt, paying all of my attorney’s fees in payments, child support, settlement to me to fulfill temporary orders payment, and absorbing all of the community debt which was from the business.   I walked away with all the equity of the house.  That I don’t believe its anything short of a miracle from God.  It was brilliant.

And It Just Keeps Going

So of course I knew that all of the debts he was supposed to be making payments on were not going to be paid unless he was forced to pay them.  A court order for him meant nothing.  After the divorce was finalized, the first due date for payments came around…and nothing. Expected.  I needed the settlement from him to help me to pay bills since I can’t work while taking care of my daughter.  I broke my “no contact” to try and get a speedy payment.  As always, it turns into an immediate PTSD trigger.

Here is an email version of how these conversations go, this is not necessarily a word for word email transcript since I tried to only capture the business side of things.

Me:  Where is the deposit that is due today?

Him:  What deposit?

Me:  Read the divorce decree.

10 Days Later

Me: Where is the payment?

Him:  Sorry I have no idea what you are talking about?

Me:  Just as in the same email two weeks ago in the divorce decree, you’d better pay attention, you owe me now, you are past due.  It would be better for you to pay it than for me to force you to pay it, because you will pay it one way or the other since it is court ordered. I will look for the deposit tomorrow.

Him:  Do the best for you.  No money at this time.  I am not your bank anymore .

Me:  You answer to the court and the court has ordered you to pay it.  Pay what the court has told you to pay.   This is business, pay what you owe.

Him:  Everybody make mistakes so I forgot that you are miss perfection.

Me:  This is a great example of how after all that was just discussed in previous email, you completely dismiss the entire responsibility of making the payment and offer nothing, and then make some random comment.  You cannot escape the judge in making your temporary order payment.  Every time you go against the judge’s ruling, you are making yourself look bad.  You owe me in order to satisfy the temporary ruling prior to the divorce and you are late on your payment. The fact you are late will be notated to the courts.   I suggest you make the payment today. Deposit the payment and get it over with.

Him:  Ok, I get that. I do not have the money at this point time what you want me to do?  Go and find a rich guy now.

Me:  You could make some partial payments to show you are abiding by the court order. Some here, some there until it gets paid. The courts don’t care if you have it, the courts care that you make the payment.  You made agreements that you were going to pay debts. The first step in proving everything you say isn’t a lie. This is what you owe and I will make sure it gets paid.  It is now communicated for you to make payments weekly to satisfy the debt. It will be notated to the court if you make attempts to pay something.  I expect monies in that account tomorrow.

Him:  Ok, wait then. You know the I have court all because your greatest idea.  This thing it supposed to be friendly as possible and look how you transform everything.

Me:  You pay the money it is already late. I have already waited and I will not continue to wait. What’s friendly is you pay. I will expect some type of payment tomorrow. No one believes your lies. Same as it has always been and the courts will not believe your lies nor have they done in the past nor will they do in the future. The courts will see that you pay what you owe. The courts don’t care
about your excuses.

Him:  What part do you not understand I do not have the money? At this moment.

Me:  You have been saying the same thing for the last year so no one believes it.  Make it happen.

Him:  I will work on something for you ok.

Me:  I don’t want an open ended response like that.  I will look for some kind of deposit tomorrow and track how many times I have to remind you.

Debts and Debts

The next day he made a partial payment to the debt.  So all of that back and forth just to enforce what he should already do.  I am assuming it will be just like this for every dollar that I have to collect.  I’m sure it’s clear to see the manipulation or attempt to manipulate in this conversation.  This conversation is exactly how my marriage went, just like this but insert a different subject, ie. infidelity, money, you name it.  Namely when he says that he is not my bank anymore, which is insane, since he was never my bank, but actually the complete opposite.  Telling me to go find a rich guy, like I am some type of gold digger which was actually the exact opposite.  Saying that this was supposed to be friendly when in fact all the “unfriendly” things came from his end and so much more.  I quickly reminded myself why I was exercising “no contact” with this person, because he makes me want to go insane.

So now on my journey forward I am having to file court documents for each debt that he owes and bring each item to the courts.  I have to file motions for him to appear and orders for him to appear to court for him to explain why he hasn’t made his payments.  I also have to subpoena his banking records for him to bring to court, while knowing that he will probably only bring half or not bring them at all.  I also have to either hire a tax attorney or do it myself and go to the IRS office to file paperwork to get from under the tax debt that he still owes.  The tax debt is from the business, and even if it’s in the divorce decree he pays it, which he isn’t, then I am liable unless I claim innocent and or injured spouse.  Same with all of my medical bills that should be paid.

So these are all the avenues I still have to pursue to try and clear my name.  Maybe most of the fight is over, but there is still a fight left.  I suppose I will have to tell myself that the fight will exist for a very long time.

 



17 Comments on "Divorce Settlements-Strategically Giving Them What They Want: Financials with a Sociopath Part 5 of 5"

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  1. Peace in Chaos – it is very important for everyone who is divorcing a sociopath to think strategically. Thank you for illustrating how it’s done.



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  2. youarejoking says:

    This rings so many bells! I am in the middle of trying to get a divorce. We have been married for 36 years, separated for the last 10. By working hard at it, I had managed to create a very reasonable “friendly” relationship for the sake of our families and son. I always knew my husband had a tendency to be nasty for no reason, (he called these actions his “knee jerks”) and had come to the conclusion that, amongst his other problems, he was a sociopath, but, by living separate lives, it was manageable.

    We even continued to go to our shared holiday home twice a year, where most people didn’t realise we were separated. When they found out, they would ask me to have him back because he obviously cared so much about me! HE left me after I stopped enabling the alcoholism and found out about his repeated unfaithfulness. This was with both men and women, leading to my very embarrassing visits to the STD clinic – which he insisted was not necessary as he had been checked out. Then the clinic phoned and let slip he had missed an appointment – he was going for some kind of follow-up treatment because he had said he intended to continue his gay lifestyle. Needless to say, he was sent to the spare room and never returned! The actual reason he gave for leaving me was my “obsession with the truth”. I don’t think that’s a bad trait, but obviously far worse than drinking, lying and having sex with anyone with a pulse …I didn’t care – he was gone and that suited me just fine.

    Anyway, fast forward to 10 years later. We were on holiday a year ago and everything was going really well as there was no longer a need to argue! We were having such a good time, he obviously had to ruin it. He got a phone call and went withdrawn and moody, wouldn’t speak, etc. I am sure he fell off the wagon (after 5+ years of sobriety). A couple of weeks after we got back, I finally extracted what was happening – he had a regular girlfriend for the last 3 years and she wasn’t happy about our holidays. Not surprising! I said I wasn’t prepared to be the “other woman” and suggested we finally get a divorce and settle the finances for good.

    All hell was let loose!!!

    I should explain : when we separated, we sold the house and divided everything 50/50, except for the holiday home (bad market in France) and the pensions. We agreed to wait for the pensions to mature as they were far more valuable if not cashed in. When the pensions matured, he carefully added everything up and set up a standing order with the bank to send me the difference each month. (My money had been used for school fees, his went into the family pension, which became payable to him) So, in order to divorce, we need a financial agreement, and all I asked was that he would guarantee to continue to pay the pension each month. He suggested I trust him on this and not make a legal (and expensive) fuss. I said I felt the time had come to regularise the arrangement. He then promptly cancelled the standing order!!!

    His behaviour has deteriorated; the lies are unbelievable; our son no longer speaks to him. He even went to see a counsellor because (he says) of his “co-dependency” issues. She has apparently helped him deal with the “unreasonable guilt”. You gotta laugh! Co-dependency? What he means is, he is uncomfortable about having to be nice to anyone, so he has concluded he must be co-dependant! And he needs a darn good dose of genuine guilt! (this from a man who was supposed to be looking after our son while I was in hospital having had a mastectomy. He barely made it in to visit me, because he spent the mornings with a woman from AA and the afternoons drinking with his boyfriend. Our son went off the rails. This was MY fault for having cancer and I should “get over it”!)

    I am now stuck in a morass of lies, manipulation and devious financial calculations. My solicitor cannot understand how his solicitor is allowing it. She even suggested at our last meeting that we try and get him sectioned!

    His last “offer” was to buy me out of the pension, but he calculated he had loaned me money (???) and I should take on a debt on the holiday home. Subtracting all this from the “buy out” offer, the nett result is that I would have to pay HIM £27,000 for the privilege of walking away from everything!

    I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that we might as well go the very expensive route and let a court rule on the finances – it looks like he is trying to make me pay anyway.

    It looks like he either does not want a divorce (I even offered a legal separation if that would help) or he is hysterical about losing control. As he has not spoken to me directly since he failed to phone to wish my aging mother Merry Christmas (she is now on Prozac because of his behaviour to her – and I have shielded her from the worst of it), I fail to see what difference it all makes?

    He is on a major self-destruct and all that is being achieved is to drag me down with it all. I ma fast becoming a hermit because I find being sociable and cheerful in public a bit too hard. I know all the stuff about “don’t allow them to do it to you”, but I can’t stop the nightmares and/or get a decent night’s sleep which isn’t helping.

    Thanks for reading.



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    • I like your screen name because that about says it. I am so sorry to hear your story and what you are going through. What a bloody nightmare. Just want to encourage you on your quest for truth. Continue in it because it will set you free. There are some good reads out there about how to divorce narcissists and sociopaths. It would definitely make the process slightly less grueling by knowing your opponent. I wish you the best in your journey, don’t give up, not to people like that.



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    • AnnettePK says:

      Joking

      I like your name also, very fitting regarding spaths.

      I relate to your experience and also Peace’s – the email exchange quoted triggered memories of the email conversations I had with my ex spath everytime an alimony check was due the first year or so. He now pays on time.

      I hope your situation is resolved soon so that you do not have to have any contact with your ex. I took a while to extricate myself, continuing to spend time with my ex psychopath in certain situations. When I finally stopped all contact, although it was difficult at first, my healing began. As long as I interacted with him, emotional healing was suspended.
      Consider that it may be best for you in the long run and the big picture to manage your situation with the goal of settling it soon, as well as maximizing the financial outcome for you.
      In my experience with my ex psychopath it never benefited me when I got hooked into fighting against him or trying to return nasty for his cruelty. My ex wanted me to lower myself to his level and get hooked into fighting him. Fighting is emotionally damaging for normal good people like you, while the spath enjoys it. He may be energized by your desire for revenge, but somewhat bored and neutralized if you don’t let him trigger any of your precious emotions. The best revenge is living well and not even thinking about the spath.



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      • youarejoking says:

        Thanks for the thoughts. I have effectively stopped all contact except through the solicitors, but after a year it is getting boring and drawn-out. There is no fighting as such, just stupid “offers” from his solicitor, which I counter …

        I am still in a state of disbelief – all I asked for was some kind of legal document stating his commitment to continue paying the pension money he has been paying regularly for the last 8 years! Nothing else … No extra demands, no more money, nothing.

        So I guess my real problem is not the conflict, but the reason WHY? To have gone from a reasonable working relationship with someone I have known for 50+ years, to dealing with someone so bitter and angry is confusing to say the least! HE has the long-term girlfriend, HE wants to “move on with his life”, HE wants to stop being “co-dependant” (hollow laughter!!!), So why doesn’t HE just accept the request and let us move on? I strongly suspect he is drinking again, and have a portable breathalyzer ready for any face-to-face meeting. I will demand he blows into it before we start – I can’t expect to have a sensible meeting with an alcoholic!

        A big part of me wants to turn up on his doorstep and refuse to leave until he tells me what the problem is. I know this is stupid and pointless, but going to court is not a quick fix either. The court rules are we have to attend mediation first (even more pointless!) and as we live nearly 3 hours from each other, this is difficult to arrange (and in his case, easy to avoid). Mediation has been suggested by my solicitor, complete with a possible name/address, etc. Each time, the reply is some crazy letter demanding money from me for some imagined “loan” and ignoring the suggestion. So I am stuck.

        The only option I have left is to file in court and let the court order the mediation. This is going to cost about £30,000 – more than we are fighting over but I no longer care – and requires him to complete a form, which so far he has ignored all requests for.

        He should now have received my reply to his latest offer, and when he replies to it (he usually takes a month at least), I will go for the court option and stuff the cost.

        Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!



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        • AnnettePK says:

          Your thoughts and feelings and natural reactions to his behavior are normal. It is incredibly frustrating and painful and wanting to understand why he is doing what he’s doing is something most survivors struggle with. If he is a sociopath, he does not care about your or anyone else’s feelings. He will not be cooperative nor fair. He just wants what he wants when he wants it. He will use any tactic, such as lying, stalling, stonewalling, bullying, speaking nonsense, etc. to manipulate others into getting what he wants.
          If he is a sociopath, the reason he behaved reasonably for a long time was because it suited his purpose to do so. When he thinks using anger to intimidate you into doing what he wants, he will act angry and bitter. Sociopaths don’t bond with others as normal people do, and they are not loyal. Cheating on his marriage involves disregarding promises he made.
          If he is a sociopath, you may discover other deceptions that he perpetrated on you over the years.
          You might consider deciding not to spend more money in legal fees to get a lesser amount. If he is a sociopath, that is what he wants – to cause you to feel so frustrated and angry that you seek justice even when it costs you. The way you feel is normal, and normal feelings ‘work’ when dealing with normal people, but not with sociopaths. They always ‘win’ because they don’t care about the things normal people care about, and everything is a game to them.
          You might consider getting the most money from the situation balanced with ending your involvement in it as soon as possible. But you know what course of action will bring you peace of mind overall. In my experience, though, all dealings with a spath are harmful to the survivor because the spath does not include in his motives the well being of his victim. Spaths are generally sadists who feel glee at the suffering of others and enjoy the power and control when they are the ones who cause others to suffer.



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          • youarejoking says:

            I just realised I have 2 choices : end this as fast as possible, or do absolutely nothing.

            Whilst option 1 is appealing, option 2 leaves me holding all the cards. I am a signatory on his house deeds and he can’t move/sell/mortgage it without my agreement. That will drive him nuts because I am in control for once!!! The only thing he can do to me is stop paying the pension. If he does, I take him to court anyway … Need to check with the solicitor what I can/need to do to be armed and ready if he stops payment.

            Apart from that, just let him carry on being stupid and he will eventually hang himself on his own lies – if my solicitor can see how illogical he is being, it is only a matter of time before his solicitor gets the picture … (I have a friend whose spath husband got “sacked” by his solicitor, and sent her a letter of apology!)

          • AnnettePK says:

            I understand your logic and the frustration and misery trying to deal with a spath. It’s helpful to think about what he will do, keeping in mind that his strategies are probably based on the motivation that he does not care about cooperation and fairness, and that he may enjoy the fighting and enjoy your frustration, pain and suffering resulting from his choices.
            It might be helpful for you to balance your goals of ending the situation so you don’t have to interact with him, with the best financial outcome for you. If you can overcome the natural urge to fight to win and to irritate him, you can recover better and faster from the trauma his choices are causing you.
            There may be aspects of the grey rock technique that will help you deal with him the most effectively. In my experience, this is the only tactic that ‘works’ with spaths. Getting to the point where we victims really don’t care about the spath and playing his games, is the best victory.
            http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

          • Jan7 says:

            Youarejoking, don’t make it about “control” over your husband make it about having peace and calm in your life. Make it about having a happy life instead.

            Will you ever have a happy life having this evil man in it?

            Don’t under estimate a sociopath EVER…I have read on here/other sites that their sociopath husband were able to get a second mortgage on their home (with out their wives knowing) and/or running up massive credit card debit leaving the wife holding the bag for half of their husbands debt once the went to divorce court. Sociopaths are always two steps ahead with their con game and they always want revenge. The fact that you have the “control” now over the home will make him mad and maybe get it in his mind that “he will get you back”.

            The best gift you can ever give yourself is to let this evil man go and divorce him. YOU will find peace again & calmness…one day you will be happy again & be thankful you kicked him entirely out of your life.

            Go to your local big box book store and find the divorce section there are many books on financially divorcing read them. Have a good financial action plan in place with regards to what you want out of the divorce and then tell your lawyer this is what you want then pad it with extras for negotiating. Remember divorce is business so you need to keep your emotions out of it.

            Read sites like psychopath free, psychopathyawareness.wordpress. com to really see who this evil guy is.

            Let me tell you marriage to a sociopath is hell, divorcing a sociopath is the bottom of hell so have a plan in place before you go to court. Check out Onemomsbattle. com, her books & especially their Facebook page for great support regarding divorce/child custody issues. Open a fake email then a fake Facebook page to chat freely without your h & his family/friends seeing what you are writing.

            I am thankful for filing for divorce and having the evil man out of my life forever! I do not regret divorcing him I only regret that I did not do it sooner.

            Wishing you all the best!

          • Exactly, my ex spath’s words to me were, “I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.” Literally word for word. At least he was honest about that. And also I would like to second the notion about why he was being cooperative in agreement with AnnettePK, which is because he was being agreeable with you because it was agreeable to him for the moment.

            Also the suggestion to not spend more attorney’s fees. It’s very complicated and unique for each case and takes a lot of care and consideration on which decision will best suit your desired outcome. But like AnnettePK said, about normal being normal with normal people. Spaths are not normal and they don’t behave normal and everything is a game.

            I personally became knowledgeable about sociopaths very early on in my divorce and then played him at his own game. The best first game is to play him on no emotion and never lead him on to what is your next move. Falling silent proved very favorable for me. I know it’s hard to hear and it’s hard for me to say because normal people don’t think this way, but when dealing with people like this, we are at war. And the best way to win a war is to know your opponent.

  3. youarejoking says:

    Thanks for the support. I actually burst into tears when my solicitor suggested he be sectioned – not because of the sectioning, but because someone totally neutral had now seen and acknowledged the crazy behaviour. To the world at large he is charming and kind, but my solicitor even referred to his behaviour as “emotional bullying” on a previous visit. What I really don’t understand is how his solicitor is going along with the stupidity. I have forwarded written evidence of the pension agreement, the widow’s pension, the purchase of the holiday home, etc, yet these are dismissed with an “out of context” comment. Eh???

    I have a big advantage and one I will hang on to because, as you pointed out, money is his big motivator.

    After the separation, I discovered he was supporting a woman in Thailand. I blew a fuse as I was supposed to inherit to get my widow’s pension (complicated story and a bit fishy …) He offered to put me on the deeds to his house to ensure I was protected against any claims on his estate. (I have his email confirming this) He is now going ballistic about the fact that I am on his deeds and wants me to remove my name. I don’t blame him, because he is judging me by HIS reactions! I would never (until now) have prevented him selling, moving or otherwise. He should know this, but is going out of his way to upset me. How stupid is that? So I sit here with the winning hand, but I have to get him to offer me a pension protection of some kind.

    The other big advantage I have is that I couldn’t care less what all this ends up costing, but he does. He is probably feeling really sick right now at the expense of it all, but can’t stop himself being nasty for the sake of it. The longer he behaves like this, the more it will cost him, and the more it will hurt. YAY!!!



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    • AnnettePK says:

      When I was isolated and abused by the ex psychopath, it would bring tears to my eyes when I’d go into a shop and the clerk was kind and friendly to me. It moved me because I was so starved for kindness in my home.



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      • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

        AnnettePK
        I had the same experience. I ran away, thousands of miles from my ex, and I became agoraphobic… scared to leave my apartment because there were too many people to watch out and protect myself from. I’d go grocery shopping at 2am. The least number of people and I could avoid contact with all until the checkout line. Then a clerk here in the south, would look at my eyes and call me “honey” or “dear”, and “God bless you child”, I knew I had a haunted look in my eyes. I tried to get rid of it but my anxiety showed on my face. I clung to those simple gestures of kindness, they were like water in a desert. Yes… I understand the feeling of being starved for kindness.

        So I now do the same. Obviously I can’t know the stories of stangers. But I NEVER walk past someone who is clearly solo and not acknowledge them directly in some way (and being careful b/c some are schizophrenic and don’t want eye contact.) Who knows who NEEDS to be validated as existing. I did. For so long during my marriage, I was erased. I know how much a tiny gesture of kindness meant to my humanity. In fact, it was a lesson I learned so very well that I make it my practice with everyone as I go through the shopping chores of my days b/c a simple sincere acknowledgment of others seems to me to be missing in much of society these days.



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  4. victimcindy says:

    Why didn’t you have the attorney file the marriage dissolution and FREEZE all the assets?
    Then attorney appoints a forensic accountant ?



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  5. Lots of great advice here in the comments on this last post. One of the readers wrote something above that I wanted to expand upon. They wrote that their ex was bothered by her “obsession with the truth”. The TRUTH is your greatest ally and tool, whether you find yourself in a legal battle or not. But you actually have to go get it to be able to use it. Peace In Chaos wrote about the importance of strategy, and the huge importance there is in learning who your opponent is. People don’t think about that until it’s often times too late. A philosophy I live by now is this: if I’m even considering going into business with or getting into bed with you, it’s my business to know EVERYTHING I possibly can about who you are. As the saying goes, if they will do it WITH you, they could do it TO you.

    Pay attention, ask questions, seek answers and listen. Listen to what IS being said, and also what ISN’T. There is truth to be found in BOTH. It’s tempting to WANT to believe that things and people are as they appear, but we often times see what we want and screen out what doesn’t seem to fit. That goes for the Law also. It’s nice to think that some omniscient person in a black robe is all-knowing and will be able to see through the ridiculous charades of people, but they too see what they want… UNLESS you have the information and get the right to portray it in a way that makes them see/feel/think in a way aligned with that information.

    I remember that movie, War Games, and the computer saying at the end (after nearly destroying the modern world with a nuclear attack on the world that it thought was only a game): “strange game. the only way to win is to NOT play the game.” It’s tempting, after having encountered someone who seems intent on destroying you, to think it best to just not indulge in business or in relationship for fear that it will happen again.

    I think the better thing to do is get your lessons that God/the universe/higher power was trying to teach/show you via the experience that most likely was trying to make you into a better/stronger/wiser person. Things happen FOR us, though it can initially feel like it’s TO us. Your mindset is what determines your outcome, not a judge, not your ex spath, and not the spath’s attorney. Thanks to the author and everyone for sharing on this blog series, as well as this site. I hope that you, like me, will continue to discover and share the TRUTH which yes… will set you free!



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  6. IAfraud says:

    When my ex husband and I separated I knew I had to make sure I had money to start over with our kids. I also knew he would attempt to cut off funds to me out of meanness. So I took enough to rent a house and support us for the time being.

    I received notice that our bank wanted to meet with both of us. I called my attorney, didn’t get ahold of him and had to go alone. I was really nervous about going alone.

    When I arrived at the meeting with our bankers, it was obvious to me that my ex wanted to have my name taken off the accounts but the bank knew they couldn’t unless I agreed. They asked me to agree to have my name taken off. I told them they could take my name off the checking and savings only if they also took my name off the debt. They said that wasn’t possible. I said then this meeting is over and I’m keeping my name on.

    First battle successfully fought, and on my own.

    I went back to the house to do the bookwork for our business throughout the divorce, which also made it easy for me to get documents needed for divorce court.

    I also dealt with never feeling like my role in the business was important, or that I was half owner. The work I did was fun and of no value to him. To him I was just lucky to be in his life. Since the divorce he now pays people to do my part, and I’m lucky to be out of his life.



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