The Lovefraud reader who posts as “Winifred” has written about dealing with her husband’s sociopathic ex-wife. Read “The Other Prey — loving someone previously married to a sociopath” and “Survival tips when the ex is a sociopath.”
My husband’s ex sociopath wife and their 2 (now adult) children have been the focus of many of my writings to you and this site. I title this article “The Aftermath” because his youngest of the 2 children with her has just been emancipated at 19 by the state of Indiana, Thank God!
We are still facing 3 more years of college dealings with his ex, but the difficult, emotionally, mentally and physically tolling part is over … we hope!
My husband and I are now finding ourselves like 2 deer in the headlights, not quite knowing how to act or what to do with ourselves or our lives, as bizarre as that sounds!
Retreat and fight
We have spent the past 12 years in two modes — his mode has been retreat, mine has been survival — without both this would have been virtually impossible! When we are involved with a sociopath(his ex), we are in survival mode, emotions that we never knew we had kicked in, kinda like a mother removing a car off of her child.
We have spent our entire relationship staying one step ahead of his ex, merely to protect ourselves from being eaten alive, and now, all of the ammunition she used all of these years has come to a legal end.
Yes, his two children with her are now 19 and 24 and don’t speak to their father. She has brainwashed them and alienated them from him their entire lives, and now that they are adults, the damage is done and they see him as she has lived to portray him … a weak, non caring father.
Her lies to the court, her infidelities, her defrauding of churches, her fake terminal illness (I could go on for ever) have now become null and void; she cannot bankrupt us financially or emotionally anymore.
The irony of the situation, if there is any, is that some of her actions backfired and actually benefited us. For example, she claims to be disabled and collects disability (yes she can even fool the govt.), but her disability was part of the reason my husband’s daughter can go to a private college paid in full.
His ex would have loved to nail us for 41K a year for college, but because she is “disabled,”their daughter gets a financial college tuition break, which is a catch 22 for the ex. She had to choose between continuing to get free govt. monies (SSI), or her daughter going the college of her choice. If the ex wanted to continue the disability lie, then her daughter got to attend a private college with govt assistance also.
The ex also has to keep taking certain meds for her disability, which disfigure her and blow her up like a balloon, but she’d sacrifice her looks to play the part of the VICTIM so people will feel sorry for her!
Now, it’s 90% over and we can sit back and take a breather. We went to court June 8th and only have to pay $174 monthly towards college … for “essential like tp and toothpaste etc … for 3 more years. But the money does not go to his ex … she now gets nothing from us financially, which has been her driving force.
She realized long ago that she couldn’t split us up, and that she was dealing with someone smarter and stronger than her when she had to deal with me, but now I am finding it difficult to switch mindsets, as I am sure my husband is also!
We have to retrain ourselves to live again, be happy again, and let go. I have spent 12 years in a defensive stance and now I have to relearn what it is like to live without constant drama and worry. Yes, the ex will still throw a punch now and then, but now that she cannot legally extract every dime we have, she has no other choice than to retreat and find others to victimize, lie to and take advantage of, God help them!
It is surreal, and new to us, this new found freedom ….
Focus on us
As we take a huge breath, we now can focus on us, our lives. She is limited to the damage she can do for once, we can begin to live!
The road has taken its toll on us in different ways. My husband just sat back and let me fight the fight. His way of thinking was that the more drama you give his ex , the more she thrives, which is somewhat true. My way of thinking was that someone had to hold her at bay, and keep what dignity we had left. I refused to let her destroy us and it has taken its toll on me physically and mentally at times, but i came back stronger …
It wasn’t easy! At first I went at her with all barrels, but quickly learned to choose my battles because there were so many, it was impossible to fight them all. I had to be clever, yet prompt.
Now, I am 53 and my husband is 65, and whatever life we have left on this earth will be lived without her, without her evilness. Learning to live without a sociopath to deal with 24/7 is an adjustment, I will say that, but we will heal slowly, we will smile again and enjoy what we have fought for … our love for one another and peace … something we haven’t had for over 12 years.
We will have many moments without the ex now, and our attention will be focused on each other and the people we love that are not evil liars and master manipulators … it will be on one another.
To all that fight this fight, there is an end, it just doesn’t ever come soon enough!
God Bless and thank you for you years of help.