lf1

I was played and my whole marriage was a giant lie

Spath TalesEditor’s note: This Spath Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name Devin.

I believe my soon to be ex is a sociopath. I am wife number four, and still the problem is me. I have learned so much about narcissists since the big discard at a Chik-Fil-A almost two years ago.Yeah, I was THAT important. Told I would be divorced while whoever he was with was hiding in the bathroom. So glad I don’t live like that anymore!

I am going to speak about Christian sociopaths. He was a bible theology major and an ordained minister that I met at church.

How could I lose? I thought I hit the jackpot.

He was kind, attentive, loving. etc. Thought he loved the Lord. When we started dating, all kinds of women at church were PISSED. I did not understand that at the time as I believed I was the one and only (sigh). Big drama, big red flag, but no, I forge ahead. I did not know about triangulation.

Great sex, our kids loved one another, he had a great job and PROMISED to take good care of all of us. I thought I had been blessed beyond belief, as I had had a very rough childhood, nearly ruined by my first marriage because of a weak husband and insane father-in-law. I thought this was my chance for redemption and healing.

We were just friends for almost a year, dated for over two years, and after one year of marriage, he just started becoming ill all the time. I am not sure about his kind of personality disorder, but I am sure it is a composite of several.

He had a COMPLETE personality change. Got fired, had back surgery, became a zombie on meds (so I thought).

I did not know anything about the devaluation stage. Most people take six months to recover from back surgery. Not the P. Took 3 1/2 years. Had some sporadic jobs which he got fired from, mostly collected unemployment.

Looking back, I think he got fired every time probably because of inappropriate sexual behavior. He was officially diagnosed as a sex addict in his 20’s, but I believed him when he said he was a changed man and wanted to lead a life led by Jesus. We had ministries, volunteer services, very active in the church. I did not know this was a ruse to cover for his abnormal sexual behavior. I do not know to this day how many women and men he was seducing behind my back. In my defense, I don’t even think that way, so why would I suspect?

After the surgery, the disappearing acts came in and the complete neglect of any of my needs or respect as a person.

He sat home doing Lord only knows what, while I strived to keep a roof over our heads. He began going to the “library” almost everyday all day. I never questioned it. He said he needed quiet, because the kids were just “too much.”

Blame-shifting, anyone?

I now think how ridiculous I must have looked to him that I didn’t get suspicious. I am a live-and-let-live person.

He never questioned my whereabouts (the total invalidation of my existence which I lived in constant denial of), so I didn’t question his. But, nonetheless, bizarre behavior. Who spends all day at the library?

But, obviously, the kids and my presence presented a problem for his doing only God knows what? I never went to check on him, but I suspect there was either a woman who worked there that became a target, or he was using his computer to scan for additional targets or both. The perplexing thing was, he had so many problems with impotence because of all his pain meds! At least, as far as I knew. That is what I was told. And I believed it.

Finally, after years of struggle, he landed a job with a furniture retail company. It started going downhill from there.

He had always started the triangulation with his third ex-wife. Lied constantly about their contact. I had to begin to check his cell phone for the frequency which always was denied by him, “because I would always get upset, so he kept it to himself,” not acknowledging that it was the lying about it that pissed me off! I was the bad guy.

Turns out, he had been having sex with ex-wife number three the whole time we were married. All to deflect court for child support. Is that prostitution? I say, YES!

Anyway, we went to a business party after he was made manager at the furniture store, and the owner’s granddaughter was extremely aggressive towards me and rather angry that I was there. She was 36 years old and my husband was 53. She told my husband that I “was cut off” which I thought she was implying that I had too much to drink. I only had one drink. I would never get drunk, especially at a professional function. It would be unconscionable to act that way in such a setting, especially because my husband was gainfully employed, FINALLY!

I watched as she hung all over him for 20 minutes or so. It was probably one of the most humiliating experiences I have ever had. She didn’t care, he didn’t stop her. I was helpless. I chose not to say anything as me and my children were dependent on his “success.” I didn’t know he was sleeping his way to the top! Lol! Later I realized she was giving him a direct instruction to shut me out. I guess he had told her I was some kind of alcoholic as opposed to just a sad, lonely woman trying to deal with the pain of being rejected.

I still functioned in my business, but I was having trouble being ignored, irrelevant, meaningless to this shutdown, withholding behavior that I had seen for almost three years. I kept waiting for the man I married to “come back.” We all thought it was due to the drugs, not the skillful deconstruction of a family from a psychopathic mind. I waited way too long.

This all took place from 2007 through 2012.

In December 2012, his father died. I did not go to to the funeral, nor did he really ask me. I had accumulated so much of his shame by that point, that I didn’t even want to be acknowledged as his wife. I know, I sound heartless. But after years of not receiving even one iota of love, I came to a point that I was so detached. And, I think I had developed some sort of dissociative identity. He was gone for a week.

Now, I did not question the financials.

I know I was stupid, but you have to realize, that when you confront these PD’s, you never get the truth anyway, so I chose not to know. After the Chik-Fil-A discard (I like to call it that, it reminds me of his total immaturity. Our whole divorce felt like a junior high breakup), I started really looking at the bank statements.

I will just say this. Major cash withdrawals and charges to sex phone numbers.

At his father’s funeral. And, despite what anyone says, I believe totally that his dad taught him this. And then punished him for it. Narc projection and perpetuation — there you go.

Oh, and the visit to ex-wife number three whom he has a kid with — I feel for her. She is so far in the web, and can’t let him go. I also think they are involved together in some sex cult, but that is for another day.

So back to the new target. He moved in with some 65 yr old woman in a retirement community (no place for his son), telling me she was just his landlady. All so innocent, right?

HE DID NOT TAKE ANY FURNITURE. Red flag. And told everyone she bought it for him and furnished the basement for him!

I have no idea where he met this woman. When I went over there in my crazy pain state, she tried to deny that he lived there. What? She knew she couldn’t deny it, but I could tell she had already taken ownership of him, even as his wife stood before her.

Who did that? The psychopath.

So, he moved out [of our home], saying his health was so bad (whose wouldn’t be, living the crappy double life he was), he just needed rest and recuperation and he would be back.

First of all, what kind of man abandons his family and responsibilities to “get some rest”? I was furious. But he tells everyone I kicked him out. Okay. And, I’m probably still the angry alcoholic wife that didn’t want to work. Whatever. It’s amazing what they can convince these women of! She has long gray hair and missing teeth, but he will take that over his family because she promised to take care of him? I had some problems with that one.

For three months I waited for him to return. He never called, never cared how me and the kids were (remember, I have his kid too part of the week), NOTHING. I began to suspect the end was near. I had no closure, no idea what happened, how I was going to live the rest of my life. He ignored my birthday, (yes, again) and refused my calls, but then would call and say, “Ill be home in three months. Just tired. Maybe we could do marriage counseling?” I was too angry for any of that, which is probably the blame in his little mind for our divorce.

Anyway, I ran into him by coincidence at the Chi-Fil-A where I got the big discard. He actually was able to make me look like a stalker to whomever he was with, and, it was sheer coincidence! Another helpless moment.

Oh well. At least I knew then. I got full contempt mode from him. Had never really seen that before, but that started my research on PD’s, and, well, I believe I encountered the dark triad of sadism, narcissism and Machiavellianism.

He mistook my respect for him for obedience. He got that wrong! I did not catch him with whomever he was with as he always sits right in front of the door, facing it. He saw me coming.

If you have someone in your life who is ocd about the door, you’ve got a slut on your hands! For sure!

He asked me what I was doing there. No hi, no hug, no how are you. He didn’t even get up. The contempt and hatred were so obvious that I could no longer deny it. He didn’t even stop eating his food. Just told me he is not coming back. Deal with it, basically. I asked why, he said, my expectations of him were unreasonable. So, again, blame on me. I felt so crappy. But I knew it was done. He never asked for my money, just made sure he sabotaged everything so that no one had his financial support, any self esteem or any semblance of peace or happiness.

I had no idea of the promiscuity and scanning for targets of a sociopath.

I have trouble with the fact I was played and my whole marriage was a giant lie, but thanks to these websites, I am processing what happened to me. I have been through a lot, and this is the worst yet. The discard has been so brutal, that I have suffered so many personal issues around worthiness, attractiveness, capability, self-esteem, but I believe that God has spared me and I am trying everyday to move forward. Since the sociopath has made no contact so easy, since I don’t matter a lick, I have decided that this individual is dangerous to me and I am going forward with no contact ever again.

As is typical with the sociopath, he plays the pity card very well. That is how he gets target after target.

Well, I am not that person. I think his character is abominable, and I refuse to be sucked into the black hole that he lives in. But, I think my new mission in life is to help with the recognition of these very sick relationships. I had no idea these people existed! And the damage……..ugh. Especially, for the young women. Youth is arrogant, but I will try to find a way to warn them and join your movement. I have only sent you a skeleton outline of my experience, believe it or not! But women need to be warned. I am with you. Thank you Donna.

I will never know exactly why he married me. Perhaps it was an image thing to maintain at church, perhaps he thought he could never work again, maybe I was a good babysitter for his kid, maybe he thought he could become a good person through me, and maybe, I was just fun to mess up. Can’t think about the last one, but it’s definitely a possibility.

If you relate to my story, get out, and establish NCEA. Ever.

Blessings to all survivors.

 



6 Comments on "I was played and my whole marriage was a giant lie"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. bluejay says:

    Devin,

    You are WAY smarter than the spath is, having figured him out while living in “crazy land.” Having been married to one of these creatures, I can say without a doubt that the “wiring” in their brains is DEFECTIVE. Getting over the damage (that they inflict) is hard work. You mentioned the “black hole,” – you’re right about that. Many years ago, during a family vacation, I literally saw what looked like a big black cloud in front of the spath’s abdomen (I had no clue what I was seeing, still don’t). We get sucked into their darkness. In time, you’ll be better than ever.



    Report this comment

  2. I am sorry all this happened to you. I totally can relate to the pity card. The fact that you could establish no contact with him is a blessing. At least you can move on and be free. I know it’s hard to accept people that we thought once had good intentions for is but we’re only with us to use us for their own purposes, but it is a reality. I wish u all the best in your recovery.



    Report this comment

  3. Delores says:

    You figured it out more quickly than I did. I guess that means our work on sharing the information is helping. I married a psychopath wen I was 18 and my mother had died. He seemed so stable and secure and just what I needed. I fell for his pity and sorry and forgave him for raping his roommate’s girlfriend while we were dating. They can be so convincing. He violently raped my on our wedding night and made it clear that I had become his possession. Having no where else to go, I stayed. I was so shamed and humiliated I could not tell anyone. It was Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde from then on which kept me off balance and unable to leave. I was sorry I had married him from day one but I could not get out and had no where to go. I was able to finish my college degree and get a job so I could leave. By then I had two children. He used my children to play with. My son finally recognized his evil after living with him in high school. And even today he haunts me. After his 3rd divorce, He targeted our daughter and triangulated us. He filled her with his evil lies and taught her how to trigger my vulnerabilities until she cut me out of her life. They know exactly what they are doing and they enjoy inflicting pain and chaos on others while they act calm and innocent. Thankfully you are free and know that he is not a human being but an evil creature. You are in good company here, we have all been targets and learned the lesson. Others may not believe you but you know and so do we. Do not waste another second feeling his blame and shame. Seek therapy from someone knowledgeable of psychopathy, others cannot help you. Stay with us, none of us will doubt you. You described the behavior of a psychopath perfectly and we understand without a doubt. There are a lot of good books and websites to help you understand. shed his shame and heal. You are not to blame, you were targeted because you are a good and trusting person. That is what they do and now you can heal in the knowledge that it was all him and you could never have saved or stayed with a psychopath. If you had, he would have killed your soul. Blessings to you.



    Report this comment

  4. Brigitte Knowles says:

    Every time I read stories like this one I wonder if it is my ex. They are all alike. I am sorry for your pain. I am glad you understand the dynamics and have moved on. He sounds pathologically and hopelessly unscrupulous.



    Report this comment

  5. AnnettePK says:

    Devin,

    I can relate so very much to your experience; there are many similarities to my ex psychopath. Minister, fake Christian, many discards including Target dept store, sexual addict/pervert, telling the lie that I kicked him out, the contempt you describe that comes out of nowhere except that we are in the way of something they want or we know what they really are, triangulation with an ex wife (and in my situation with his daughter from previous marriage), the smear campaign, etc.

    Your ex sounds like he practices a particularly cunning and sophisticated evil.



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.