Editor’s Note: This letter to lovefraud was submitted by a woman who was born in Germany of Turkish heritage, who now lives in London, England. We’ll call her “Ozgur Ruh.” She calls her ex-husband “Evil”.
I met my ex — “Evil” — on the internet back in 2012. He was a captain and was working in Liverpool, UK. My first thoughts was this guy can be only a friend I was not attracted to him at all. Then he started to call me very often and things just took off.
I am 42 now, had one failed marriage when I was very young. I was not looking for love, I was only talking to guys. Big mistake. Anyway he proposed on 1st of April — what a joke! I thought I was falling in love. He lived in Turkey and his job in Liverpool ended. I bought a ticket to meet him but his uncle died in an accident so I cancelled.
Eventually I met him. My first impression was that he was way shorter then what he claimed to be and I was not attracted to him. The red flags were there from the beginning and silly me ignored it.
He was a bit weird, he had lost his driving license and when I comment about his driving he totally lost the plot and started to drive like crazy, it did freak me out.
After this ridiculous argument we went to a bar had few drinks and at some point I wanted to go to the water closet (toilet) he came with me. I thought this was a bit weird. A bit? We left and we had another argument, apparently I was flirting with all the bar tenders which was so far from the truth…I thought ok, I am changing my ticket to return back to UK.
We then travelled to his home town and he was talking as if nothing happened. He spent my money because he was unemployed and he was going to pay me back. I was so naïve. I was going to go back to the UK and this nightmare would be over. He then convinced me. At the argument he belittled me so much I could not believe it, never met anyone like him. Anyway, I did finish it couple of times but he was not letting it go. I so wished that I finished it back then.
Our marriage was pure hell
He came here to UK on tourist visa and we got married and he had applied for spouse visa. We lived together for 5 months. This 5 months was pure hell, he stole my money, he attacked me psysically, I called the police three times. He was not going, I begged him and even offered to buy him the ticket, he refused. Then I accepted that my life would be like this from now on.
I was a mess, I was working full-time and as soon as I left the door he would start constantly calling my mobile, it was hell. I really wanted to end everything, I didn’t know what to do? One policeman was so kind, I called them when he first attack me, he strangled me I fought back and this young policemen saw the finger marks on my neck. He told me it will never get better. He was so right.
One day I had enough and went to a friend and stayed there. He found someone had sex with her in my bed and recorded the whole thing on my mobile! I called the police they took him in. Next morning I went to the station to take my keys and my bank cards. There was this really stupid solicitor who did not know anything about domestic violence and she took his side. They let him walk. Of course he called and he acted like this was an adventure.
He packed up and left
At that point I really had doubts like, is he really human? I saw his eyes one day … there was nothing and it gave me chills … this person in front of me was a total stranger and he was not like a human being.
He then one day told me he was going back home to apply for the spouse visa. Oh the happiness I had inside me. I didn’t believe it as we had another argument but when I woke up I saw he packed up and was serious about leaving. We left together I went to work and took him to the airport. I was so happy. He called me before the flight and told me he his turning his mobile off. The journey was about four hours my joy of knowing not to receive any calls from him for total four hours seemed total heaven … peace and quiet … which I missed so much. There was this no ending chaos, arguments. I was sick and tired of it.
“Evil” spent all my money
He was spending money like mad, he had to buy brand clothing and he never let me near the post.
After he left I started opening my letters and I was hit with the debts … all credit cards were up to their limits … Evil has stolen from me and decided to go because there was no money left for him to spend. But he was not finished with me yet!
One Friday after work I went shopping and he called me, my hands were full so I didn’t respond. When I arrived home he called again and he was screaming why did I go shopping? He demanded to see the shopping bill. I lost it, I told him this was my own money and I refuse to send him the bill. He then said of course you don’t want me to see the condoms you bought on the bill. He had paranoia. His paranoia was driving me crazy.
New mobile phones created peace
I switched all my mobiles that evening at that time I was on anti-depressants I could not stop crying and I thought I needed medicine and started using baby dosage anti-depressants.
That weekend I woke up without the phone call and I thought this is nice, the following day Sunday I woke up with no phone call. It was then I could think clearly and I thought this was my life before him why am I putting myself through that hell? I could not stand this evil guy.
I don’t know if it was the medication or the switched mobiles which meant I had peace and quite after months made me think rationally but something happened that weekend. My life changed then I decided to write to Home Office and asked them to refuse his spouse visa.
“Evil’s” spouse visa is refused
His visa was refused back in January 2013. He made a fraud appeal which I have forwarded to the relevant department. He has a domestic violence and fraud case against him, as long as I live in this country he cannot set a foot.
“Evil” is diagnosed
His mother started to call me and it was then that I found out that this evil bastard was diagnosed with paranoia and anti-social personality disorder! He told me once but it did not register with me as I didn’t know anything about ASPD he was not taking his medication and when I handed them over to the police he was angry with me. Of course his mask has fallen off. They hate being found out.
One day I decided to search in the internet, I tried in Turkish and found very litlle then I thought let me try in English and I found Dr. Robert Hare I read and read — suddenly it made all sense. “Evil” ex was a psychopath. Suddenly I realized evil are amongst us. They are here to destroy us. All the trait marks were there.
My healing process
He has contacted me couple of times but I don’t respond. Since my experience with psychopath I have been reading and studying them. I learned one valuable lesson: never-ever ignore your gut instincts.
I had received treatment and I have flashback memories from time to time — couple of weeks ago I watched a BBC film which also won the BAFTA award, I was killed by my boyfriend, this film brought back lots of bad memories. My whole life has changed, I changed, I do not trust people, I do not socialize. I have a new hobby — crocheting — very therapeutic too. And as a book worm I read. I work full time and love spending time with my nieces.
I am writing a book in Turkish about psychopathy (everyday one to three women are killed in Turkey by their ex’s). There is no literature in Turkish about this subject and I am very keen on creating awareness on this massive issue. I want to tell people that psychopathy is real and they live amongts us, there is no cure and the only thing we can do to protect ourselves is to learn as much as we could about psychopathy and create awareness. This is my healing process.
Your website was very educational for me, I found other support groups and I felt like people on these groups did understand me better then my own friends because went through the similar or same experience and we do get each other so thank you for setting up this website and keep up the good work.
Take care and kind regards,