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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He was not like a human being

Editor’s Note: This letter to lovefraud was submitted by  a woman who was born in Germany of Turkish heritage, who now lives in London, England. We’ll call her  “Ozgur Ruh.” She calls her ex-husband “Evil”.

I met my ex — “Evil” — on the internet back in 2012. He was a captain and was working in Liverpool, UK. My first thoughts was this guy can be only a friend I was not attracted to him at all.  Then he started to call me very often and things just took off.

I am 42 now, had one failed marriage when I was very young. I was not looking for love, I was only talking to guys. Big mistake. Anyway he proposed on 1st of April — what a joke! I thought I was falling in love. He lived in Turkey and his job in Liverpool ended. I bought a ticket to meet him but his uncle died in an accident so I cancelled.

Eventually I met him. My first impression was that he was way shorter then what he claimed to be and I was not attracted to him. The red flags were  there from the beginning and silly me ignored it.

He was a bit weird, he had lost his driving license and when I comment about his driving he totally lost the plot and started to drive like crazy, it did freak me out.

After this ridiculous argument we went to a bar had few drinks and at some point I wanted to go to the water closet (toilet) he came with me. I thought this was a bit weird. A bit? We left and we had another argument, apparently I was flirting with all the bar tenders which was so far from the truth…I thought ok, I am changing my ticket to return back to UK.

We then travelled to his home town and he was talking as if nothing happened. He spent  my money because he was unemployed and he was going to pay me back. I was so naïve. I was going to go back to the UK and this nightmare would be over. He then convinced me. At the argument he belittled me so much I could not believe it, never met anyone like him. Anyway, I did finish it couple of times but he was not letting it go. I so wished that I finished it back then.

Our marriage was pure hell

He came here to UK on tourist visa and we got married and he had applied for spouse visa. We lived together for 5 months. This 5 months was pure hell, he stole my money, he attacked me psysically, I called the police three times. He was not going, I begged him and even offered to buy him the ticket, he refused. Then I accepted that my life would be like this from now on.

I was a mess, I was working full-time and as soon as I left the door he would start constantly calling my mobile, it was hell. I really wanted to end everything, I didn’t know what to do? One policeman was so kind, I called them when he first attack me, he strangled me I fought back and this young policemen saw the finger marks on my neck. He told me it will never get better. He was so right.

One day I had enough and went to a friend and stayed there. He found someone had sex with her in my bed and recorded the whole thing on my mobile! I called the police they took him in. Next morning I went to the station to take my keys and my bank cards. There was this really stupid solicitor who did not know anything about domestic violence and she took his side. They let him walk. Of course he called and he acted like this was an adventure.

He packed up and left

At that point I really had doubts like, is he really human? I saw his eyes one day … there was nothing and it gave me chills … this person in front of me was a total stranger and he was not like a human being.

He then one day told me he was going back home to apply for the spouse visa. Oh the happiness I had inside me. I didn’t believe it as we had another argument but when I woke up I saw he packed up and was serious about leaving. We left together I went to work and took him to the airport. I was so happy. He called me before the flight and told me he his turning his mobile off. The journey was about four hours my joy of knowing not to receive any calls from him for total four hours seemed total heaven … peace and quiet … which I missed so much. There was this no ending chaos, arguments. I was sick and tired of it.

“Evil” spent all my money

He was spending money like mad, he had to buy brand clothing and he never let me near the post.

After he left I started opening my letters and I was hit with the debts … all credit cards were up to their limits … Evil has stolen from me and decided to go because there was no money left for him to spend. But he was not finished with me yet!

One Friday after work I went shopping and he called me, my hands were full so I didn’t respond. When I arrived home he called again and he was screaming why did I go shopping? He demanded to see the shopping bill. I lost it, I told him this was my own money and I refuse to send him the bill. He then said of course you don’t want me to see the condoms you bought on the bill. He had paranoia. His paranoia was driving me crazy.

New mobile phones created peace

I switched all my mobiles that evening at that time I was on anti-depressants I could not stop crying and I thought I needed medicine and started using baby dosage anti-depressants.

That weekend I woke up without the phone call and I thought this is nice, the following day Sunday I woke up with no phone call. It was then I could think clearly and I thought this was my life before him why am I putting myself through that hell? I could not stand this evil guy.

I don’t know if it was the medication or the switched mobiles which meant I had peace and quite after months made me think rationally but something happened that weekend. My life changed then I decided to write to Home Office and asked them to refuse his spouse visa.

“Evil’s” spouse visa is refused

His visa was refused back in January 2013. He made a fraud appeal which I have forwarded to the relevant department. He has a domestic violence and fraud case against him, as long as I live in this country he cannot set a foot.

“Evil” is diagnosed

His mother started to call me and it was then that I found out that this evil bastard was diagnosed with paranoia and anti-social personality disorder! He told me once but it did not register with me as I didn’t know anything about ASPD he was not taking his medication and when I handed them over to the police he was angry with me. Of course his mask has fallen off. They hate being found out.

One day I decided to search in the internet, I tried in Turkish and found very litlle then I thought let me try in English and I found Dr. Robert Hare I read and read — suddenly it made all sense. “Evil” ex was a psychopath. Suddenly I realized evil are amongst us. They are here to destroy us. All the trait marks were there.

My healing process

He has contacted me couple of times but I don’t respond. Since my experience with psychopath I have been reading and studying them. I learned one valuable lesson: never-ever ignore your gut instincts.

I had received treatment and I have flashback memories from time to time — couple of weeks ago I watched a BBC film which also won the BAFTA award, I was killed by my boyfriend, this film brought back lots of bad memories. My whole life has changed, I changed, I do not trust people, I do not socialize. I have a new hobby — crocheting — very therapeutic too. And as a book worm I read. I work full time and love spending time with my nieces.

I am writing a book in Turkish about psychopathy (everyday one to three women are killed in Turkey by their ex’s). There is no literature in Turkish about this subject and I am very keen on creating awareness on this massive issue. I want to tell people that psychopathy is real and they live amongts us, there is no cure and the only thing we can do to protect ourselves is to learn as much as we could about psychopathy and create awareness. This is my healing process.

Your website was very educational for me, I found other support groups and I felt like people on these groups did understand me better then my own friends because went through the similar or same experience and we do get each other so thank you for setting up this website and keep up the good work.

Take care and kind regards,
Ozgur Ruh



14 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He was not like a human being"

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  1. Escapefor1 says:

    Sorry to hear of your troubles.

    I think it is great you are writing a book for a Turkish audience and helping get the word out!

    I hope things get better for you.



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    • poetika says:

      Thank you Escapefor1

      I felt a big relief when this nightmare was over. His parents and sister did bother me for a while…they were having the time of their lives 😉 while I was dealing with his hell.
      I do separate my life before and after psychopath. I was naive and believed everyone was good and this evil thought me a lesson. Evil are amongts us and we need to protect ourselves. I don’t know how many books I read about this vast subject. Every book has thought me something.
      It was and is a interesting experience not pleasent one for sure.
      I was going to send my story to a competition and that is how I started to write but then I thought why not write a book about my experience.
      Recently I finished Sandra Brown’s ‘How to spot a dangerous man’…there she comments on woman who does let the dangerous man walk away without any charges and she urges women to inform the relevant departments, make complaints…she says do it for your sister and I totally agree.
      I am very glad that I did make formal complaint and updated the police about all his intentions.



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      • Jan7 says:

        The book How to spot a dangerous man by sandra brown is a must read for every girl/women before dating. Very informative. I am also in agreement with you regarding filling a report with the police…this is one of my biggest regrets with my ex h. I did not do this and I should have not only to protect me but also all his future victims.



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      • Escapefor1 says:

        I too separate my life into “before” and “after”.

        Regarding reporting to the “relevant departments”, my experience was they do not care. And nobody will be notified. At least in my case where there was no physical abuse, but he met the definition of DV.

        When I was ready to file for divorce, my attorney recommended I speak with the police, but I did not. Years post-divorce, he threatened my life and also some other peoples’s. I went to the police. Although his threats met the DV statute, they simply took a report and filed away. I was told that even if I was murdered, they would not dig that report out. So I gave copies to relatives, just in case. I obtained a restraining order against him. In a hearing appealing the restraining order, another judge threw it out, mostly because of the letter of the law, not necessarily because of the validity of the threat. The same judge who threw it out noted the name of the judge whose life was also threatened. I imagine he will tell the judge. But because the threat was passive and not active, it apparently does not meet the definition of a crime.

        During our divorce, too, the judge did not care about my demonstrating his PDs, and the strong suggestion of one in our psychological analysis. Even if it had been proven, the judge was kind of ho-hum about it.

        In the end, after all that, there is a brief record of a restraining order, if someone knows to look for it. And a police report gathering dust. He lives in another state now, so probably nobody would know where to look.

        It is very hard to report to the “relevant departments” in a way that future victims could ever find, at least if there has not been an obvious crime committed.



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        • Escapefor1 says:

          The other reason the second judge, who threw the restraining order out, for doing so, was that since I filed most of the legal work and the RO, “I kept fighting”. Excuse me for protecting my children, and my life. He certainly was not going to file legal paperwork to change anything. It all suited him just fine the way it had been.

          Although it often is true that in high-conflict cases, the one filing may be the problem, it is also true that those with PDs can drive us victims to file because the PDs do not want any change. And they don’t do anything. They are irresponsible, so we have to enforce things — like oh, conforming to court decrees. Judges need to learn to look beneath the hood before knee-jerk blaming the filers.



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  2. Jan7 says:

    I think it is wonderful that you are going to write a book for women in Turkey (& around the world). This is what needs to happen to keep educating women around the world whether one on one as many of us do or like you, Donna & others by writing books. Hopefully one day even the books stores will have a display table up front during domestic abuse awareness month for women to see first thing when they walk in. In the USA 1 in 3 women will be abused sometime in their adult life. Very sad statistics.

    I have traveled to Turkey & had a wonderful experience but I can see why domestic abuse is so high as the women maybe more apt to remain silence because of culture/religious back ground. Your book WILL make a positive impact and hopeful give a voice to women groups in Turkey to no longer remain silent.

    Wishing you all the best with your book and for getting the exposure & awareness in Turkey for the women there to become educated about sociopathic abuse.

    I am sorry that you lived such a nightmare…so glad that you escaped his hell. Good for you for cutting his family out of your life..this is a necessary step to find true peace.

    Take care.



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    • poetika says:

      Thank you Jan7,

      When I decided to end this nightmare I searched google in Turkish and did not find much then I decided to search it in English and found the information I was looking for. Then I went back and found a Turkish website called secret psychopath, I did email the person who set this website up but got no response. They have set this website up and wanted to end this chapter of their life.
      I do respect that but it made me think English speakers are lucky because we do find information, websites, support groups and books but for someone who does not speak English it is a challenge. You are desperate for answers and you need to find them.

      Yes, I agree with you I would like to see a different section in book shops and library about DV. I also believe we need lessons about DV in our schools.

      You have made valid observation about Turkey unfortunately you are right religion plays a big part, underage marriages- I call it peadophelia and rape- treating women like objects…I stop believing in this religion when I was a teenager.

      Jan7, I am in a happier place in my life. I have my peace and quite back, which is priceless 🙂

      Take care



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  3. Delores says:

    I am so glad you are writing a book in Turkish. Islam is a male dominated psychopathic culture. I hate that they are being allowed to come here and not accept our customs and laws. I never got around to writing my book but I wish I had. Bless you and let us know when your book is published. Translate it to English too, so many women world wide are now being suckered in by Islamic psychopaths this vital information is needed in the US, Canada and Europe as well. He may have been on medication for his OCD but there is no medication or treatment that can help a psychopath get better. It is hardwired into their brain and can now be diagnosed by brain imagery. Something human, even mammalian is missing in them. Calling them animals is a complement. They are pure evil, born without empathy and compassion. Since they cannot feel the love and goodness we share as human beings, they take pride and pleasure in sabotaging us to take it away. Trapping, hurting and destroying what the goodness they see in their is their only goal. And it is genetic. Check out Robert Hare and others who have studied them. http://www.hare.org/



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    • poetika says:

      Dear Dolores,

      I have a small part about islam in my book. Yes you are right it is dominated by pschopathic culture.
      I have read Robert Hare’s book couple of times and I have much respect towards him and his work.
      I realised that Clarissa Estes has written about psychopaths but she has named them differently… bad choice, bad men, etc,…which I found interesting, she is a psychologist…why not use the proper word?
      You are very right can’t fix the unfixable…

      Take care xxx



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  4. Delores says:

    I am so glad you are writing a book in Turkish. Islam is a male dominated psychopathic culture. I hate that they are being allowed to come here and not accept our customs and laws. I never got around to writing my book but I wish I had. Bless you and let us know when your book is published. Translate it to English too, so many women world wide are now being suckered in by Islamic psychopaths this vital information is needed in the US, Canada and Europe as well. He may have been on medication for his OCD but there is no medication or treatment that can help a psychopath get better. It is hardwired into their brain and can now be diagnosed by brain imagery. Something human, even mammalian is missing in them. Calling them animals is a complement. They are pure evil, born without empathy and compassion. Since they cannot feel the love and goodness we share as human beings, they take pride and pleasure in sabotaging us to take it away. Trapping, hurting and destroying what the goodness they see in their target is their only goal. And it is genetic. Check out Robert Hare and others who have studied them. http://www.hare.org/



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  5. still reeling says:

    poetika, unbelievable story. My sympathy to you for living this nightmare. Thankfully you made it through and also got rid of him, hopefully forever. You said, “never-ever ignore your gut instincts.” This is so key. If any lesson gets shared from your scathing story, let it be that one. I join others in applauding you for sharing your story here and with the oppressed women of Turkey. They need to hear this.

    I hope you will open up your heart to love someday with a kind and appreciative, mentally stable and healthy man. I understand and reflect your low trust level, but do hope in the future, if you so desire, you will again be able to have friends and love in your life. I can tell you have a lot to offer as a person and a friend.

    One thing I’ve never been able to accept is the sociopath’s complete lack of yearning or the ability to long for or miss someone. It’s inconceivable to me that you can share so much with another person, but not miss them at all. During my experience with a path, this would occur over and over and over again. I would feel so empty when he would leave for the evening (we worked together) or when one of us went on vacation. Not him! He’d walk away like I was a plant or light fixture. There is not one ounce of humanity in a ‘path but they know how to fake it.

    I wish you peace and love, poetika

    Thanks again for sharing.



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    • Escapefor1 says:

      Fortunately, I learned to feel absolutely nothing for my N,P ex-H. He recently got remarried secretly and I just found out after my would-be anniversary. I did not even think about the date, and his remarriage honestly did not affect me at all. I call it channeling my “inner psychopath”, though I am the opposite and a victim of one.

      I am no longer emotionally numb either. It is just that they do not matter once they are out of your lives. Their effects do, but they don’t.



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      • still reeling says:

        I am there as well, Escape…in the last few months, after 4 years of yearning mostly due to the cog diss, I left the cloud of insanity and am free of any feeling for this very sick creature.

        Many heartfelt congrats to you for being out from under the miserable clutch of your path. Extra glad you aren’t in the numb stage either, but have gotten to a place of indifference which, rather than “hate,” is the opposite of love.

        I’ve realized that memories of him kept me company and allowed me to keep my mind off reality, which can be harsh at times. But thinking of him was wasting my life and this realization forced me to just let the fantasy die. It’s kind of difficult and even a bit lonely, but that has everything to do with my relationship to reality, and nothing to do with him. He does not exist and never did.



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    • poetika says:

      Dear Still Reeling,

      Thank you, I was in Turkey for couple of months and did not have internet.
      I met couple of my friends from high school and had lovely time. One of my favourite book is, ‘Women who runs with wolves’ by Clarissa P. Estes and I was reading it again…one night I was sitting in the balcony and looked up to the sky saw the stars…I felt love to our world. First time after almost three years I opened my heart…I closed it so badly after the psychopath.
      This was a very special moment in my life I opened my heart and will welcome the special man to it.
      Mind you I am still waiting 😉 but that is ok too

      Take care xxx



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