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The sociopath has changed me and I will never be the same: Part 3 of 3

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader in Belgium, whom we’ll call “Enora.” Read Part 1 and Part 2.

One day he told me that I was crazy and that I had to see a psychiatrist. So I went. When I told him what my life was like and what had been happening the man said: “You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to see what is happening. You have to leave this man. People in concentration camps were depressed. You are living in a concentration camp. If you don’t leave him, you will become chronically depressed and then what will happen to your children?”

At that time I started to think about leaving. Before, I didn’t want my children to come from a broken home. Now I realized that I had to leave, and that I had to do this for my children. I couldn’t let them grow up with a father who was constantly drunk and yelling at their mother. I didn’t want my children to think that this was a normal family life.

One Saturday I found out that he was sleeping with yet another woman. I filled two small plastic bags with clothes and I went to my mother. Before leaving with the children I told him that this was it and that I was never coming back.

He didn’t believe it. I was very close to his family (and still am) and his brother called him to ask what was going on. He told him that I was free to come back but that he wouldn’t change at all. His family had seen some of my bruises and they supported me.

Tried to win me back

When things started to sink in and he realized that I had meant what I said, he did everything to make me come back. He said that he didn’t know what he had had until it was gone. But he never apologized or never said he would change. I wouldn’t have believed it anyway. I had told him on numerous occasions that he had to understand what I was like: I am very patient, but once my patience runs out, I leave and there is no way back. I do not believe in trial separations. When I have made up my mind, I stick to it.

He now understood that I wasn’t coming back. Now he did everything in his power to make me suffer. He hired a notorious lawyer. This lawyer would stop at nothing. He described me as being a terrible mother and he wanted shared custody. The judge didn’t give him shared custody. He also had to pay child support.

By that time, I had found a new job. Six months later, he called me and said that he was fed up with the restaurant. He would leave and I had two choices: I could go back to the restaurant or he would file for bankruptcy. And since he had nothing, I would have to pay for all the debts.

I decided to go back to the restaurant. Things were terrible: it was dirty, most clients had left (if you’re treated in a disrespectful way or you don’t know if the restaurant will be open you won’t go there anymore) and he had sold kitchen equipment. In the weeks before his leaving, he had thrown parties every day with his friends, giving away all the beer for free. It was a disaster; I was now 400,000 dollars in debt.

I worked from morning till night, only taking time off to feed and bathe my children and to put them to bed. Then I went back to work.

Did not pay child support

He did not pay any child support and did not want to see his children. After three years, I was fed up. I took him to court. His was convicted: 5 months probation and a 500 dollars fine. He also had to promise he would now start paying monthly.

He wanted revenge and he knew that the best way was to try and take my children. Now he went to court, again asking for shared custody. He lost.

Now, he wanted to see the children during weekends. I did not want to be the evil mom so I took the children to him. He was constantly spoiling my son and treating my daughter terribly. He had never wanted her and he made sure that my sweet adorable girl who was then only 5 years old felt it.

For example: my son was allowed to take sweets whenever he wanted, but my daughter couldn’t have any. My six-year-old boy understood that this was not right, so he always took 2 and then hid with my daughter to eat them. There are so many similar stories I can tell, most of them I have only learned recently. My daughter is starting to remember and tell everything that has happened.

Filed bankruptcy

In the end, the debts he had made in the business were too high, so I had to file for bankrupcy. He of course thrived on my misery.

My children and I lived with my sister for over a year. Money was very tight and again, he stopped paying child support.

So many things have happened since then. I opened another business. One night, a man broke into my house and raped me. I suffered from PTSD and again, I had to file for bankrupcy. I decided to go to hospital. I was there for three weeks. During the therapy it became clear that I have two traumas: the rape and my relationship with my ex. My ex is the biggest trauma.

My misery made his day.

Control from a distance

I feel that over the years, he has been trying to control my life even from a distance by paying child support or not (normally he doesn’t). At one time, he said that he wanted to pay, but there were conditions: my children couldn’t go to day care or babysitters, I had to take care of them.

Sometimes, he demands to see the children (my son) and then they don’t hear from him in a year. My daughter who is now 8 doesn’t want to see him anymore.

His alcoholism has caught up with him: he has liver cirrhosis stage 3. It is incurable, if he stops drinking he has 1 or 2 years left. He keeps on drinking. When he was rushed to hospital last December, I even went to visit him. When I left the hospital I cried and I was angry at myself for doing that. After everything he has done to me, he does not deserve my sympathy.

I had hoped that this would change him and make him become more of a dad for his children. Nothing has changed. I even had to take him back to court for failing to pay child support.

7 years later

It has been seven years since I have left him and I still keep thinking about it.

He has messed with my head. At first, I think he enjoyed the challenge of seeing how far he could go. Years later, when he had destroyed me, I think that it was just fun for him to torment me and see me suffer.

Even my demeanour changed: my confident posture was gone, my back was slightly stooped.

I often think about all he has done to me and how he has gone about it. If the plan was to destroy me, he had executed it perfectly by building up pressure and control, gradually destroying my self-esteem and more and more isolating me. He had alienated me from my friends and there were no more colleagues to turn to. I had no more money, only debts.

He hasn’t only destroyed my self-confidence, he has told stories to other people about me. It was a character assassination.

Planning a war

I sometimes compare it to an army staff that is planning a war. Once one target is destroyed there is a new target. By destroying all these targets, in the end the war is won. If this had been planned from the beginning it was brilliant in its simplicity and perfect in its execution.

But it had taken years to arrive at that point. Such an evil plan required patience. And that was something he didn’t have. He is the man of instant gratification. Whenever he wants something, he wants it now.

It has dawned on me this wasn’t a consciously constructed and executed plan. Everything came natural to him. I think that this scares me even more. The realization that there are people who are so evil to the core is frightening.

My big mistake

In fact, this has been my mistake from the get go. I always believed that every person has something good within, and that love and support will make this goodness surface. This man, however, hasn’t got an ounce of goodness inside.

He has changed me and I have never been the same again and I think I never will be. There is a me before I met him and a me after.

I had developed an addiction to sleeping pills. I was drinking too much. I had terrible nightmares. When I left him, that didn’t change instantly. When a man paid attention to me, at first I was surprised. But I liked it and it didn’t matter whether this man was married or not. This was so out of character.

This behaviour is now gone, but the lack of confidence stays. The nightmares too. Rationally I know that I am an intelligent woman, a hard worker and a good mother, but there is still that little voice in my head that keeps telling I’m not.

I will get there in the end, but I have a long way to go.



14 Comments on "The sociopath has changed me and I will never be the same: Part 3 of 3"

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  1. Brigitte Knowles says:

    Enora,
    I am amazed at your life and how strong you are. You must write a book and share this with the public. I wrote one and it is my memoire so that I never forget. It will educate other women who are thinking of loving a psychopath, and please read Women who love psychopaths by sandra brown. God bless you and your children. You are a good mother.



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    • lily says:

      I have to agree. I was deceived for ten yrs by my ex sociopath husband, and after 5 years since my divorce, and three years since he pleaded no contest to burglarizing my home he is Still Here!!!! He now wants his probation terminated.It has been denied three times, but is he deterred? NO! I am still having to deal with him five years after our divorce. He sits in court with his next victim and still blames me for him pleading no contest to burglary of my home. Despite ALL of the evidence against him. He blames everyone but himself. I agree I WILL NEVER EVER be the same again. And the reason is, I AM NORMAL, we are normal, we have normal feelings and that is why we can never win. My ex husband ripped out my very soul and he does not give a hoot. It has turned into a pissing contest (please excuse my language) it never stops, he never stops. He actually beleves that he is right despite all the evidence, despite all the witnesses , God forgive me ! but I wish he would just die and then and only then will I have peace



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      • lily says:

        when I asked him ” why have you cheated on me and why are you doing things to hurt me” he told me “I want fresh meat!! well he has it, but he still won’t move on!!! can anyone explain this to me. Because it has gotten so old, and I am so weary of him.



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        • lily says:

          I moved nearly 500 miles away I have tried so very hard to move on, but he still keeps coming back. What does he want???? and why does he not move on, so I agree my life has changed forever



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          • lily says:

            The worst thing is the continual lies and deceit despite all the evidence he continues this !!!! I don’t even know how to comprehend it

      • Jan7 says:

        Hi Lily, glad you vented. YES we are normal with a normal spectrum of feelings…they do not have a functioning brain in the emotional section and other parts.

        They are pure evil. They want to destroy everyone…I think because they hate people that feel & are “normal because they can not feel and will never be ’normal”….at least this is what I know of my ex h.

        He loved to watch me cry, to get excited then ruin my excitement…he loved to watch me & my emotions. One such time was Sept 11…he woke me up to tell me about the planes hitting the World Trade center….I watched in horror he had zero emotions….I was screaming at the tv that the fire fighters needed to get out of the building because it was going to fall before they fell or before the news people made that suggestion…when the first building fell…I could not watch the after math I was so sad, shocked, mad…my emotions were all over the place that I literally ran out to the patio because I could not watch the tv any more….when the second building was hit then fall I was just numb and cried for all of the people in the building who where trapped…he felt nothing….I just looked at him and was thinking WHY does he not have any emotions about this horrific moment….he watched my face with great intent so bazaar at the time and now looking back…his lack of emotions then & always stuck in my mind from that day forward and when I found out from a counselor that he was a sociopath and did not feel and loved to taunt people to see their feelings that day came flooding back and all made sense.

        Your ex loves to see you emotional….because he does not feel emotions…you are also just a object like a piece of furniture or a car to him that he does not want to let go off…this is why he wants you back….my ex could not get rid of anything in the home…now I realize he was a hoarder….I would throw stuff out that he brought home because the house was filling up with things…it was all so crazy…but I get it now…once he I told him he was a sociopath…he knew his game was up and he has left me alone because I have no contact with him, our mutual friends who keep in contact with him, I have no social media, no email address, unlisted phone number, live in a extremely secure condo with 24 hour security….

        although he knows where I live he knows I want nothing to do with him and have build a fort so to speak to keep him out of my world for good. Like you I moved 3000 miles away but he does business in this town not sure if he still does or not.

        For your safety it may not be wise to tell him he is a sociopath but for me my ex knew from day one who he was…he made comments in the beginning of our relationship that I ignored that he had “all the psychology” books & read them…I thought it was an odd comment but once I would out who he was I got that he knows who he was and once I told him & he knows that I am a avid reader & would study his disorder he knew his game was up…not to say that he would try to come back into my world but he knows I would never let him back in.

        I think it is normal too for you to wish him to be out of your life for good and not and the only way truly would be fore him to die. I have read many comments like that here and other sites…so this is normal thinking for you a victim of a very evil person.

        Hugs to you…my best advise to you is to really tighten your No contact with your ex and if you have kids then follow the Low contact rule to the line..the site Onemomsbattle. com is an excellent site for support for court issues/child custody issues…see their Facebook page if you want to post on their fb pg open a fake email then a fake Facebook page for you to vent, get support, ask question w/o your ex or his family/friends seeing what you post.

        Take care.



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        • Jan7 says:

          sorry did not read my comment before posting:

          this paragraph should read:

          “I think it is normal too for you to want him to be out of your life for good and the only true way to have him out of your life & mind to have full peace would be for him to die a nature death. I have read many comments like yours here and other sites…so this is normal thinking for you a victim of a very evil person.” In the back of my mind I do fear my ex because I know what he is capable and also because he always told me that he would kill me if I left him & that he could get rid of a body in the woods without ever being a suspect. So that puts the fear in my mind.



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        • lily says:

          Hi Jan thanks for the advice. I have no contact with my exspath I have a permanent restraining order, however he keeps coming back through the legal system and as the victim I have to go to court to object to his motion to have his probation terminated 3 times in 3 months. he never stops. I saw him in court with his next victim and I felt sick. But he has worked his charm and she believes everything he tells her. So I also have my house like a fortress with outdoor cameras and new windows, locks, and a really good alarm system. Because I know he will be back. He is like a dog with a bone.
          As he was leaving court he made a comment about ” see you in a month”



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          • Jan7 says:

            Illy, what a nightmare…he still wants power & control over you. Sad the court is playing right into his sick game.

            I would suggest that you ask the court for a court order mental evaluation on your ex asap. You can put this in the motion and explain that he is still trying to control you through the court system now. Write down what he said to you in court papers too “see you in a month” plus tell the judge this too if you end up back in court.

            Onemomsbattle. com & their fb pg can help you with how exactly to ask for this in court papers. Once the court sees that he is disorder they will not want to engage in his nonsense. If you chat on their Facebook page open a fake email then open a fake Facebook page so you can chat without your ex seeing what you write. This site is for court issues & for child custody issues. It is really excellent for getting all court advice even if you do not have children with your ex.

            Hugs to you for what you are having to deal with.

  2. newbeginnings says:

    Dear Enora, you are not the only one who have been in hell and back. I, like you, have gone thru experiences similar as yours. I wish I could sit with you and talk. Mostly everything you have gone thru emotionally, I too have lived. Only difference is that I am childless because I was raped madly. You still have your children to live for. One day, it came to my mind, and thought, you know what, fck him, let him rotten in hell, fck ugly, fck fat, fck looks, fck whatever. I AM MOVING ON. AS THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN, I WILL COMPLETE MY MISSION, WHATEVER IS MISSION YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR ME, GOD. PD> I still have the nightmares at 61 but there are some sweet dreams that pop up too. Good luck girl. Again, you are most definitely not alone. Now stop reading and get going! Send you whole lotta good wishes and hugs. You are one of the few, the proud.



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    • Escapefor1 says:

      I’m not sure who you meant about the fck series. If he made you feel these ways, they often do. It does not mean it is true. And once free, it is easier to take care of yourself and feel and look great again, though it may not seem like it once again.

      I know another victim who never got over the self-esteem and poor body image feelings, and these are so undeserved in his case that it is amazing.

      Be better! Feel better!



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  3. Jan7 says:

    Enora, hugs to you. I posted a longer post for you on 2 of 3 story for you to read.

    I wanted to direct you to help for your addiction to sleeping pills and your excess drinking. PLEASE look into adrenal fatigue as your root issue including for your nightmares. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, flight or freeze response mode) and over 50 hormones including all the female hormones such as progesterone, estrogen & testosterone. THE ADRENAL GLANDS ARE A HUGE DEAL…and when under undue stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands work over time and burn out….this wreaks havoc on your body, mind & spirit.

    To heal your adrenal glands you need a good clean diet (such as Dr Fuhrman’s Eat to Live book), possible (most likely) hormonal replacement most likely progesterone (no big deal cream or pill), vitamin/mineral supplements, plenty of rest and relaxation & of course sleep *which is impossible if you do not balance your hormones first)

    According to Dr Wilson a adrenal fatigue expert 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adulthood. If you have a toxic relationship you WILL suffer from adrenal fatigue. He also states in his book that some people who have drinking issues actually have adrenal fatigue and are using the drinking to deal with their anxiety and other adrenal fatigue symptoms. But drinking makes it worse.

    See:

    Adrenalfatigue. org see symptoms list, read

    DrLam. com see symptoms list, see videos & read

    Mialundin. com read her book & *****watch her you tube video on why you can not sleep!!!!!!!********google “mia lundin you tube”

    Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube (google these words & watch his video) his methods work wonders!!!

    google “Dr Amen PBS you tube”

    “dr amen depression you tube” to watch his video

    Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue:

    brain fog
    mood swings
    anxiety
    depression
    sleep issues
    memory issues
    etc etc etc it’s a very long list of symptoms!!

    Within hours of taking the correct hormones to rebalance your body you will feel more like your old self. Within in a months time you will feel like your old self

    Find a good adrenal gland doctor Endocrinelogist or a hormonal specialist doctor (natural hormonal doctor not synthetic hormones) to test you for cortisol levels (see adrenal fatigue. org for test info), vitamin & mineral testing (most adults are deficient in B’s & D all needed for a functioning mindset) and hormonal imbalance testing.

    I promise you, this is the missing link to healing from your abusive relationship!!!!

    Wishing you all the best!! 🙂 take care.



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    • Escapefor1 says:

      Yes, I believe that adrenal fatigue underlies PTSD, anxiety, and atypical depression (with low cortisol). Once I treated my adrenal exhaustion, my PTSD symptoms went away, never to reappear except under the highest, most similar stresses.



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  4. Escapefor1 says:

    And again, similarities to my situation. My ex-H left me in $25 million in debt because of a failed business enterprise that went into a lawsuit. I had nothing to do with the business, but since I was married to him, I was liable too. This hit amid a horrendous divorce, already draining all my focus and money. Fortunately, we were able, with me paying for legal advice, to settle for much, much less.

    I too had PTSD, for the 3rd time in my life.

    I too was hungry for positive male attention, and so did something somewhat out of my character for solace and confidence and just plain fun, for once.

    I know what you mean about the “before” me and the “after” me. For many years, I felt changed. If it makes you feel better, 4 years later, I now feel my two “me”s coalescing into a new fusion me. I am taking the best of both worlds, but I will never have the innocence, positivity, joy, and trust I had before all this.

    Mostly time and getting away from the stresses helped. But I also did medical hormone treatments, including for low testosterone (production halted due to prolonged severe stress) and adrenal exhaustion. These two treatments have given me my strength and life back. I also have been in a positive relationship for two years with someone truly caring. What a difference that makes!

    So it can get better, even as bad as it feels now.



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