lf1

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He wanted to drive her car, but didn’t want their child

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who posts as “ifiwereabird29.”

I met him in 2009 at my job. He asked me for my number and his wit and funny personality won me over. The first night we talked, we talked for 6 hours straight. I was completely mesmerized. At the end of conversing, he stated, “You and I will be dealing with each other for a long time.” I was elated. I had graduated from college two years prior and I was certainly ready for love. I wasn’t the girl who guys often pursued so when he pursued me, I was wide open!

I had many red flags but chose to ignore them out of pure desperation. I will admit that I was too ready to jump into a relationship. The first red flag was he claimed he didn’t have a cell phone. Who in 2009 did not have a cell phone? Old people and maybe young kids and that’s it. He said he didn’t really like phones at all. I fell for it. That was a complete lie. He would set up dates with me and wouldn’t contact me the day of the date. He often made promises he didn’t keep. This all happened early on and I should have run then.

He was very honest about a lot of things. He told me that he didn’t believe in saying “the l word.” I asked him what he meant. He stated that he didn’t like telling women that he loved them. He just felt uncomfortable with it.

Like a fool, I thought this was a challenge. I couldn’t believe that a person would never say love. I knew he would love me and fall IN love with me. Also, I was a virgin at the time. It seemed he was trying his hardest to get me to have sex but I wanted it as well. I had sex with him and just like that, I was hooked.

Worst rollercoaster ride of my life

Before I knew it we were full force on what would be the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. From lies, to deceit, to him having no conscience, it was all a lot. He never took responsibility for his actions. Somehow, everything that went wrong was always my fault. When I would come to him with issues I had with him, he would spin it on me and make me believe I was wrong. I would walk away feeling bad and apologizing to HIM when he should have been apologizing and kissing up to me.

One of the lies he told was that he was single. I asked him did he have any children and he stated that he had a 1 year old son. Both of these claims ended up being lies. His son was only a few weeks old when we met and he also had a daughter that was around 4 when we met. He was in a relationship with his son’s mom, which he lied about. I found myself involved with a man who was involved with someone else.

At one point early on, I decided to let go. I cut off all communication. I ignored all calls and all texts. I thought we were done but he began to lure me back in to his web and I willingly went.

Using me for finances

After this point, he began using me for finances. He was always in need of something or one step away from something getting cut off. He played on my pity very strongly and I always felt bad for him so I ended up giving him the money.

My car was a main source for him. Although he had a car, it seemed he always wanted to drive mine. I remember one winter, he asked me to come get him to take him to work and I did thinking he was having car issues. When I arrived, I asked him what was wrong with this car; he stated nothing. I responded, well why would you have me come out of my way to get you? He stayed silent and wouldn’t answer.

One time, his car was down and he asked me to borrow my car for a week. I was working in a residential place that I also lived. He knew I didn’t need my car daily. I told him no repeatedly. Moments later, he hopped out of the car and began hitting a brick wall over and over. His knuckles and hands were bleeding. He got back in the car as if nothing happened. He then asked me what happened to his hands and I sat stunned. It was as if he was acting like he had no clue of what he had done. Needless to say, I ended up letting him use the car for a week. I was completely scared.

Every time I would try to end the relationship, he would draw me back in. I would go weeks without talking to him and he would play on my emotions. We would be back on the rollercoaster and more issues were created. Eventually, he would start saying things that I never said. If he said something and I asked him about it, he would deny it. It was insane.

I became pregnant

I became pregnant with his child. He was upset! He refused to talk to me unless I got an abortion, which I refused to do. He would not answer my calls or texts. A few weeks later I miscarried that child.

A day after my miscarriage, I changed my number. I didn’t contact him for a month nor did he show up at my home. After a month, I began missing him again. I contacted him and he made me feel bad for everything that transpired. Trying to convince him that none of it was my fault was not working. I began to take the blame because in my heart I wanted to fix everything with him.

We began dating again. We worked on our issues and I became pregnant by him again. This time was different. Due to his living arrangements, he asked to move in my home. I was totally reluctant but of course he talked me into it. Once he moved in, he did not pay any rent or bill. He didn’t have a car so I had to drive him around or he used the car all the time to go wherever he wanted.

Still no car

By January 2014, he still didn’t have a car. He stated he would get his car fixed before the baby came, he just needed to pay off some tickets and other bills first. I agreed to this arrangement. Our daughter was born, and he still didn’t have a car. When I was in the hospital preparing to deliver, he came when he wanted and left when he wanted. He refused to be in the room when she was born. He just wasn’t too interested in the entire situation.

That summer, I was on maternity leave, I felt trapped. I just had a baby and I couldn’t go many places but because he would take the car and be gone all hours of the night and into the day and evening for work, I felt like a prisoner.

He had one job already and, I applied for him another position. He was extended an offer and began working making more money. I thought for sure he would begin helping me out and would work towards getting a car, but he did not.

Many times that summer I cried out to him begging him to fix the car situation. He never did. He continued using me for my car and my home. The only thing he would do was put gas in the car. He never helped financially with our child. He would watch her for me to get out sometimes or he would watch her to give me a break, but that was it. All of the needs were on me.

Sharing a car

I returned back to work. We continued sharing cars, which was problematic and annoying for me. I had to take the baby to daycare and also worry about getting him to work.

I asked him to have his car fixed by September or get a new car. When September came, his car was not fixed. I told him that I would no longer drive him to and from work that he was a man and needed to find another way.

For three weeks, he did not return home. I barely heard from him. He missed my birthday. When he finally called he stated that I put him out. I never put him out. I simply asked him to find his own mode of transportation.

Lost my job

I was laid off from my job. I was devastated. I had a 4 month old and all my expenses. I wasn’t sure what to do. I talked to him and he agreed to come back and pay bills. I filed for unemployment. He came back and he paid half of rent. He wouldn’t give me any money on anything else. I had to figure out the rest. He resumed driving my car. I was extremely depressed but I tried to not say anything to him because I really needed half of that rent.

Over Thanksgiving, we got into an argument. He agreed to watch our daughter so I could go out with my friends. The day he was supposed to watch her, he decided he was going out with his friends instead. This sparked a huge argument. I admit that I said some terrible words to him “F*ck you” and that was it.

Two days later, he came and packed all of his things and moved out. He stated that I was disrespectful and I downplayed him making him feel worthless. I didn’t feel this response was necessary and I begged him to stay. I was still unemployed and I needed the help. He refused.

He walked away

When I was at my lowest he walked away. After all the years I helped him and even moved him in after he had living arrangement issues with his mother, I was devastated.

He was away mostly from me and my daughter all winter. During the time he was away, he came and saw our daughter twice and he gave me $40 (He’s given me $180 towards her since she’s been born and she’s almost 1).

Ironically, every time he came, he would show up in this white car. I asked him about the car and he said it was his. It was funny to me that I begged him for over a year to get a car but he magically got a car after he left me.

Claims to be in jail

I didn’t hear from him the entire month of February. I reached out to him in March and that’s when he told me a really wild story about how he had been in jail the entire month of February. He was involved with some crazy case.

I looked on our jail records state and countywide, and of course could not find any proof. My friend’s boyfriend is in law enforcement, he couldn’t find any proof, so of course he had lied about this story as well.

He had also made Facebook updates in February so his story was a lie. He ended up saying that he missed me and our baby and that he still loved me and wanted to get things right.

A changed man

I decided to let him back in to see his daughter. He began coming around. He was very soft with me and saying being incarcerated made him a changed man. He came around and began paying for things that we needed. He would buy things for the house. He gave me some money towards our daughter. I really thought he had changed.

This was the first time in all of our years of dealing with one another that I thought he really wanted to do better. I was wrong.

The white car was gone. He was carless again. I asked him what happened to the car. He spun some story that made absolutely no sense. I believe he was driving the car of a woman that he broke it off with and she asked for the car back. He didn’t say that AT ALL but that is truly what I believe in my heart.

Back in the routine

Somehow we jumped right back into our old routine. I was helping him get back and forth to work. He saved up money for a car. He claimed he was going to check on a car with his brother but somehow the car was purchased before he got there. I believe this was a lie as well.

That same day I looked on Craigslist and found a car within his budget. He checked on the car and said he was going to see it. He called me a few minutes later and said the car was sold.

I took it upon myself to call the owner and she stated the car had not been sold. I told him to come get me so we can get the car. I was determined to get this man out of my car and into his own vehicle. That day he purchased the car but it was another few weeks before he had the car up and running.

Son with another woman

In April, I also found out some news that was striking. He has a 4 year old son by someone that we both know. He had me around this woman. I had no idea that anything was going on between the two but on Facebook, I discovered that she is claiming he is the father. The little boy looks just like him. There is no denying that he is the father.

I confronted him. Of course he denied the claims. He claims to have never even had sex with her. It’s amazing how he can just lie about something with no sense of conscience or remorse. It makes me wonder how many other children he may have out here in this world.

No “real” relationship

He is the type of man that has to have a woman around. He likes to deal with women for a few months then drop them and on to the next. He states he has never been in love and he feels he hasn’t had a “real” relationship.

He always kept women around. He is a master of not letting these women find out about each other. I went through his phone a few times, he made me feel like crap every single time, but he always had texts in there from women about sleeping with them but he would claim that he was only sleeping with me.

Most recently he told me about a woman he dated when he wasn’t in my life and he manipulated his way out of the relationship with her by lying about something to make her feel bad.

Claims I’m abusive

Very recently he told me that I was mentally abusive, unkind, not a good person, and I always downplay him. This truly hurt me! I may be sassy and I am known for my “tell it like it is” approach, but I am not a mentally abusive person.

I see now that he was projecting his actions and his personal feelings of himself on me. He did that other times too. He always said that he believes I cheated on him. He would always say that I was a liar. He would go out of his way to try to catch me in a lie but I wasn’t lying, but he would insist that I was. He would call me crazy. He would say I was insecure, which is true, and that’s the only claim that he has made that is truth.

I am guilty of lashing out on him. Over the years, the things he did to me and not owning up to them got more and more severe so I would completely lash out and say mean things to him albeit, most of them were true, but nevertheless mean.

Child support

I know you said it’s better if he isn’t around. I am trying to get child support from him. This is another thing he has lied about. I would like the support for my daughter, as caring for a child is not cheap. I am scared if he does show up to court that he will put on for the judge and I don’t want to share parenting time. So it’s a catch 22.

Please advise.

 



7 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He wanted to drive her car, but didn’t want their child"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. NoMoreWool says:

    ifiwereabird29-
    The first thing to do is to go No Contact. It is incredibly difficult when you have a child with a sociopath, but since your daughter doesn’t really know her father it is easier than if she were older and had a relationship.

    You need to know what the child custody laws are in your state. Most states view child support and custody/visitation as separate issues, so it is possible to get support without necessarily granting visitation.

    I would advise you to speak to an attorney. If you can’t afford one, you should be able to find some sort of legal aid in your area that can help for little or no money. You may have a case for abandonment since he has not provided you and your daughter with support. If he doesn’t work at verifiable jobs, you may not be successful in collecting child support. If he has a large number of children and is already paying child support to them, you may not get much support either since I think most states will only garnish up to a certain percentage of a paycheck. If he is already at that percentage, then the amount would be split among all of the children. A sociopath I know has 16 kids already with 12 different mothers, all kids under the age of 5. He won’t work a legitimate job because of the child support garnishment, and just works for cash, deals drugs, etc to avoid it. Now he is in prison for being naughty with a 14 year old.

    You need to sit down and think carefully if the benefit of engaging your daughter’s father in the legal system outweighs the potential damage he might cause in your life as a result.



    Report this comment

  2. marygrace says:

    It’s amazing how similar these sociopaths are, I was reading your story and thinking “is she talking about my son’s father?”

    You definitely need to consult with a lawyer if at all possible, most will do free or low cost initial consultations. Every state is different in regards to child support and visitation. While it’s true that they are usually viewed separately, it’s also usually true that the more time a child spends with a parent, the less support they pay. Most states are going towards a 50/50 custody schedule, in which case neither parent pays support to the other, they are each responsible for paying 1/2 of bills. If this is the case in your state, you have to ask yourself if your child’s father would request 50/50 custody in order to get out of paying support. You may think that he’s a loser and a judge wouldn’t grant him visitation time or 50/50 support, but it is very hard to legally get a judge to limit a father’s time if he is asking for it. I found that out the hard way. Even if he has past drug/alcohol issues or a criminal record, a court is usually only going to look at whether he has hurt the child or put the child in danger. He may be required to take drug tests or he may get a “step up plan”, during which he has to prove he can care for the child, but a court is typically going to try to get to standard visitation.

    Yes a child deserves to be financially supported by two parents, but a child also deserves a loving, stable father. Our children do not have that. Even if you go file for support, your child’s father has at least 2 other children by 2 other women and can’t even afford to keep a car that works. Do you really think you are going to get much money from him? As hard as it is to accept, you and your child are better off cutting off all contact with this man. Nothing good is going to come from having him in your lives, not likely even any financial assistance. If you can at all financially support yourself and your child then you need to go No Contact and stay that way.

    So sorry you are going through this. It’s the worst thing to ever have to do as a mother, and seeing how it effects your child is heartbreaking. But the best thing I ever did for both myself and my child was accepting it and moving on to create a happy, loving, stress-free life with just the two of us.



    Report this comment

  3. stronginthecity says:

    ifiwereabird29,
    I just finished reading your story and am just sitting here with my mouth widw open.
    Ok, so from what you have wrote and what I have been through I would move far, far away and not look back.
    I’m sorry but there is no hope for this person whatsoever. I would still get child support and have it directly deposited into my account, but if that means he gets to see the child(not sure how that works) then I would have him sign away his parental rights because he will just make you miserableand just cause grief for the child.
    I don’t know how old you are (29)????
    If you have family that will help you out, do whatever it takes to have this man out of your life.
    He will not change…he likes doing what he is doing.
    When you support him, you are enableing him to just keep up with this nonsense.
    I can’t even imagine what you are going through and you have come to the right place for support.
    HE WILL NOT CHANGE…
    HE LIKES WHAT HE IS DOING.
    HE WILL RUIN YOU AND YOUR BABIES LIFE.
    MOVE..RUN AWAY FROM HIM.
    Please read up on him here, educate yourself on this horrible evil person and please do not have any more children with him.
    I’m sorry if this comes off in your face but you did ask for advice.
    We are your friends, this man sounds like pure evil.
    He took your virginity and does whatever he wants.
    He will not change no matter what you do.
    Don’t even try.
    Stronginthecity



    Report this comment

  4. AnnettePK says:

    There are pros and cons whatever you decide. Try to get as much information about what your options are and what is likely to happen. Consider whether you would want your ex to have visitation rights with your daughter.

    Another thing to consider is that your ex doesn’t have any money and whatever child support is court ordered he may never pay. However, if he is legally obligated and if he ever comes into money, ie wins the lottery, inherits money, or something similar, you will have a claim to back child support. The odds are pretty slim, but you never know.

    Consider the pros and cons of whatever course of action you take, and make the best decision you can.

    I agree that no contact with this liar and cheater is the best thing for you, your daughter, and your future.



    Report this comment

  5. stillconfused77 says:

    Your whole post hit me in the gut. My story is extremely similar. It is sad to see women going through such things like this, with people like this.

    That fight/”sass” that you had in you, I had in me too. My daughter was actually hospitalized for an extended period of time after birth. During that time talked with my spath and tried to determine what he wanted with custody, visitation and support. He wanted free reign to do whatever he wanted with custody and visitation (come get her when he eanted, visit me and etc), but felt we should go half on providing for her. My sass came out.

    I filed for all three. He turned into his nightmarish self. He is still mad that I have the nerve to want child support handled by the state- lessens the possibility of him not having the money and spinning a web of lies.

    He lied during the proceedings to all the attorneys….. I made them aware that he lied, but nothing was done about that. So he and his attorney orchestrated a visitation schedule, so he could pay less money. He, of course, did not honor the inflated schedule, but was advised by me that we could always go back to court….so he pays a little above what was ordered in court.

    Two ways you ould do this- struggle with no support and hopefully avoid him attempting to be a part of your and her life. Or fight and be prepared for deceit in the proceedings and the possibility of his using the court stuff to exercise his right to see her.

    My spath is married, uses the minimal visitation, rarely to never calls our child, pays support and knows to leave me alone. It took a while to get here, though. It took me taking a step back amd realizing that my child deserves a healthy mom and he left me in my darkest hour. Even though I have a slight twinge toward him every once in a while, I fight it because I know that I was merely dispensable at that time. I was a pawn, but delivered a checkmate. Not all situations will work out like mine, though. You know your spath. Think deeply about how it will work out for you.

    You and all of us will be in my thoughts!



    Report this comment

  6. Divorced from Gaslighter says:

    If you aren’t married to Spath, and you really want him out of your daughter’s life, the best advice would be to make a long-distance move. Since Spath usually doesn’t have a car of his own, and has an unstable work history as well as multiple illegitimate children, getting money out of him on a monthly basis is probably not going to be worth the legal bills that it would take to try to get child support.

    Even if a small amount of child support is set, Spath can get it reduced each time he fathers an additional child or loses his job, etc.

    I would NOT make any overt move to cut him completely out of your daughter’s life. From your account, he has never abused or neglected her so you would almost certainly lose in court if you tried. You will spend a fortune on legal bills and you will LOSE. Further, he will later use your attempt to cut him out of your daughter’s life as an excuse for why he disappeared for X number of years. Children want a father so badly, and if he completely disappears for a number of years, he may pop back into her life when she is in junior high or high school with sad tales of how you cut him out of her life and now he wants to get reacquainted, etc. Over the long term, your daughter is better off knowing him for what he is rather than allowing him to create a clean first impression when she is half grown. Your daughter is very young. It is entirely possible that at some point in the next 17 years or so that your ex will inherit money or marry someone with high income or substantial assets, and that he will reach out to your daughter when he is looking stable and respectable.

    I will be surprised if you are able to get money out of your Spath that exceeds the amount of money that you will have to spend on attorney’s fees to receive it.

    Move away, but let him talk to your daughter on the phone, and by Skype, and keep records of all contact. Email him photos occasionally, and keep a record of having done so. If you ever do end up in court, having voluntarily sent photos will help to make you look mature and reasonable, and it costs you nothing. Do NOT tell him that you are moving away to reduce his custody access — tell him that you are moving to accept a better job or to move to a lower cost of living area. As long as there is no custody and child support order in place, you are free to move. Once there is a court-ordered custody plan in place, you are going to have to get court permission to relocate with you daughter.

    Do not discuss your plans with your ex until AFTER you are in your new location, but the instant you are relocated, make sure he has all of the information he needs to be in touch with your daughter so that he has no grounds for saying that you are trying to cut off his access. Remember that a soft answer turns away wrath. Don’t tell him that you are leaving because he is a loser, tell him that you are moving to a place where you can afford a house in a good school district, etc.

    In most jurisdictions, a parent who fails to provide any support for a period of time (six months, etc.) can have his parental rights terminated. Your best bet would be to accept whatever support he sends, but not demand any, and see what happens. Keep careful records (a big calendar with kittens on it will work fine) of what he sends/provides: gifts, money, health insurance, insurance co-payments, daycare payments, etc. Men like your Spath with poor work histories and multiple children often only pay when they are being threatened, especially if there is no support order in place. If you aren’t asking for anything, he may stop paying completely for six months or more, and you can get an attorney at that point if you want to do so.



    Report this comment

    • AnnettePK says:

      Divorced,
      Thank you for taking the time to share this wisdom. I learned some points from your post. The approach you advocate is based on dealing with a spath and what motivates them. Spaths don’t think like normal people.



      Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.