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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Deception from the first encounter, and every single day thereafter

sad and stressed womanEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “amille2.”

When my boyfriend……….or should I say the man I thought was my boyfriend………..walked out the door a couple of days ago, I told him I felt like I had been sucker punched. He replied, “No, you haven’t” and shut the door.

Just two days before that, I read his wife/girlfriend?’s grandmother’s obituary whereby he was listed as the husband/significant other.

The physical jolt that went through my body was immense ……….. followed by the sound of every lie I had been told for the past 5 years clicking open in front of me to see ……….. really see this time. Then they all came crashing down at my feet ………. taking my heart and part of my soul with them.

The absolute depth of the deception is too much to comprehend right now. Surreal really. We aren’t talking “I’m staying in tonight and you find out later he went out with his friends” kind of lies. I’m talking about the foundation …….. from the first encounter …… and every single day thereafter.

He suffered a head injury in the military. It meant that every day he woke up with a headache ……… that gradually became worse as the day went on. It affected his short-term memory ………….. but not long term. He had PTSD. He was in counseling because of his severe anxiety about having people in his house. He was a recovering meth addict from the meds given for his head pain ……. And while I knew acquaintances that confirmed the head injury ……. and I did see some anti anxiety meds prescribed by the VA. I will not even try and guess the real story.

All of this meant, of course that I could only see him during the day. As I worked from home, I would gleefully take a long lunch and make up the work later in the evenings or weekends. Besides, I could not see him during those times because he was either home resting from the migraine or busy with his daughter.

I was at his house one time …….. anything feminine was attributed to his daughter. Met his parents and brothers once in passing …… not one of his friends …. though he talked to them often about me, he said. He asked me not to mail anything to his house. It seems his last girlfriend tried to come between him and his son. To this day, his son is so traumatized by it, he doesn’t let his son know when he is seeing someone. After his son moved out, I still couldn’t mail anything because his anxiety of having people in the house was spilling over to even having mail delivered. We did take a couple of weekend trips …. but they were short and he was always in a hurry to return. Holidays were celebrated before or after the actual day. I didn’t really mind as I have two children, parents, cousins, etc. that I all wanted to nest with. I cherish this family time and I liked not having to worry about whether or not he was entertained or bored by family stories. It worked out rather well, didn’t it?

As I continue to pick through the rubble of lies in front of me, I’m dismayed as to how careless and stupid I was with my soul. How easily I dismissed all the odd stories; the fact that every ex girlfriend tried to control him and I should avoid them at all costs; the lies about things that didn’t need to be lies; the grandiose explanation when he ended up going to a friend’s wedding without me; the victimization he faced throughout his childhood and marriage; how we never went anyplace significant in the local area together; how I couldn’t even walk up to his front door for a quick kiss because he was too anxious to handle that; and his fascination with porn …. more than I probably can imagine.

Of course, I didn’t have the benefit of receiving all of this information at one time. It all accumulated slowly …….. like the proverbial frog in boiling water. Each new inconsistency was built upon the last and could be easily explained ……….. or at least I thought it could.

I knew all along that something wasn’t right. This was not even close to a normal relationship.

I stayed because he was handsome and charming. He showered me with gifts and proclamations of love. He sent flowers and wrote the most beautiful letters, cards and emails. He text me several times a day telling me how much he missed me. He endeared himself to my children. He fixed things at my parent’s house. He never once said anything unkind or asked for money. I was always beautiful, amazing, smart, caring and giving. We had a great sex life. Lots of sex.

I will say that the last 6 months my soul has been trying to wake me up. I was putting distance between us. Told him I had many conference calls or activities with the kids. I was starting to see glimpses through the mask. One of our last conversations he told me that he saw me as his future. My first thought was that I didn’t believe him; my second was that I didn’t feel the same.

Yet here I sit. Knowing that I traded part of my heart and part of my soul to feel love and security. Knowing that someday it was going to haunt me …… but never truly knowing why and to the extent. Devasted to realize I traded myself for nothing in return.

Discovering his double life is painful. Realizing I meant nothing to him. The cards, the gestures, the words ……… all empty. I had the strength to politely tell him that I was depleted. That he had to go. I didn’t cry, beg, get angry or ask him why. It would have been a waste of what little I have left of me now. I’m constantly anxious and afraid he will return to try and convince me that I’m wrong about him. He claims his ex girlfriend planted the obit because she is still stalking him after all this time. That he’d be happy to have me go to one of his therapy sessions with him. That he knows that he needs to work on himself …….. that his issues cause me to doubt him …… and if he changed, would I take him back?

I am so glad I found your website and book. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I’m trying not to replay every conversation in my head over and over again. I’m trying to understand that this man is no longer in my life. I’m trying not to beat myself up over the irony that his last words to me were actually the truth.

 

 



244 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Deception from the first encounter, and every single day thereafter"

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  1. Jan7 says:

    Bluelight, you should be so proud of yourself for making these no contact changes in your life. HUGE hugs to you…not easy to get discard, find out the truth & then go no contact especially after your hospital stay.

    You have incredible strength & courage!

    I think when you are in their tornado still & you start to really see their mask slip & their double/triple lying world come out it’s a true shock to your body, mind & spirit.

    Please take good care of yourself during this time. Your health is most important right now!

    Please know that you could not do anything differently to get his respect and love from him. When you have doubt about this just look at the way he disrespects & lies to his own mother on mothers day! He is showing his true colors if he disrespects his own mom.

    Just know also that all of these other women he is messing around with are victims too….he is lying, manipulating & deceiving them too. At one point they too will come to realize he is a bad person.

    Dont believe all of the stories he told you about his co workers remember he is a pathological liar and will do anything to triangulate everyone against each other so that they do not trust the other person so that all parties end up not talking to compare their stories of his manipulation. He is masterful at this puppet master game. Google “sociopath triangulation” for more info on this mind game they play.

    My ex was masterful at this too…telling me that his coworkers were cheaters, liars etc..guess what they were trying to get him fired! YEP, they too saw his manipulation, lying, cheating (with another co worker). He lied to me about all of them because he did not want me to find out what was really going on at his work place…he knew I would leave & he knew I was questioning his relationship with his co worker….his co workers I knew & wanted to call them and ask if he was cheating with a certain co worker but did not because my ex had my mind so messed up with all of his daily lies I did not know which way was up & which way was down.

    EVERYTHING THIS GUY TOLD YOU WAS A LIE & MANIPULATION!! Everything!!

    Dont have anger for these other women, just feel sorry for them because they helped you escape and now they are in his evil grips!

    Hugs to you on this tough day 🙂 Glad you shared your story.



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  2. Remembertoforget says:

    Jan,

    Thank you,

    This post helps me too.

    I now have more insight to his past 2 both were long relationships- that they are submissive and messed up types, young too, and I know one of them.

    I now realize that I am not the submissive type generally and am his age and way more mature and don’t take drugs or drink (rarely) and THAT is why I didn’t last with him.

    I paid close attention, and I did submit to him in a way, and I kept engaging in us, him…

    We even discussed that stuff, because the whole time I was actively trying to figure out what the hell was wrong!

    I dk if that makes sense.

    But again, I was far to wise for it all, and when the mask slipped, I slipped and gave him a few chances.

    But, I now see clearly the type of girls do stay with him.

    It’s ok, but I don’t want to down-grade again.



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  3. Remembertoforget says:

    Please excuse the typos lol

    🙂



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  4. kittylover says:

    I am balling in my office and not b/c of that stupid ex. He is becoming not even a thought….
    I just got in trouble with my boss for the first time.
    he is a wonderful man… and took 6 months to find the right person for this job.
    but guess what?

    in the past two weeks…. I have fallen seriously behind in documentation of residents’ admissions and care plans. then there was a computer glitch today that made it look like I had not done an assessment, but I had.

    I need prayers and love now.

    the boss knows about J… not entirely… but the gist of it…

    If he had wanted to fire me… he would have today.

    He is giving me a chance to catch up I guess.

    but now I am scared.

    think Ill be here late tonight.



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    • AnnettePK says:

      So sorry you have this to deal with in addition to everything else. I hope you had a chance to tell your boss about the computer glitch.

      You could tell him you’re sorry you’ve had a lot on your mind lately, but that you’re getting yourself back together and just assure him you’re back to doing your usual great work.

      You don’t need work troubles on top of the spath nightmare.

      Hope you don’t have to work too late; and that you can get some rest and enjoy the weekend some.

      Take care.



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    • stronginthecity says:

      Hi Kitty,
      I replied to your post yesterday and its not showing up here. I was having computer issues yesterday.
      Anyway I wanted to tell you that I had a meltdown at work a week or so ago and was sure I would be fired. I was not thank goodness because I am not in the space to look for a new job right now.
      Just try not to talk about your situation at work. You might think your coworkers are understanding but work is work and you have to focus there.
      You talked about how long it took to get this job and that you love it.
      It you don’t talk about it at work, you wont think about it so much.
      Give yourself some time.
      This all happened so fast and so recently.
      It going to take awhile.
      Just keep venting here and educating yourself so that you don’t fall victim to a person like dummy Jerry ever again.
      Your LF friend,
      Stronginthecity



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  5. kittylover says:

    and you know… a physical therapist told me today, “You have changed this place. You bring so much light and when people see you coming they think… Oh my gosh there is Megan!”

    my Boss said that he needs to know that when I am here..
    I am “here”.

    Hmmmmm….

    guess my ptsd shows.

    I am seeing the psychologist tomorrow.
    the same one that met my ex.
    the same one who told me she would no longer see me in Oct. if I stayed with Jerry.
    the same one J… said was a menopausal, jewish bitch who probably is jealous b/c she hasn’t had sex in ages and she knows nothing about him and how much he truly loves me.

    and I listened to him…..
    stupid stupid stupid.

    but she was not being enamored and loved and texted constantly and treated well… and love bombed… and talks of future and time with his kids.. and great chemistry and his tears and how kind and charming he could be….

    back to documenting.



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    • amille2 says:

      Kitty…I have been completely distracted at work too. I forgot I had scheduled a call this afternoon and everyone was looking for me…..

      We have much on our minds…..and I have been busy reading everything I can

      Be gentle on yourself…..if you are, then I will try and not beat myself up too



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  6. Remembertoforget says:

    Wow Jan7…

    That was alot with the tennis guy!

    You are so right, and my ex did throw crying tantrums literally like a baby!

    It worked for a while until I saw it for crazy!

    And early in the breakup, I tried a no contact when I didn’t know what it even was really, but he was like No contact, I get it…and I didn’t evrn know the term.

    Yea, his ex did it.

    He knows all too well what it is!

    My co-worker said, it’s not right when it takes you longer to get out of the relationship then it did to get in it!



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    • Jan7 says:

      Remembertoforget,

      ” it’s not right when it takes you longer to get out of the relationship then it did to get in it!”

      SO TRUE…this made me laugh. Simple point!

      At the time I met “tennis guy” (lol) I had just left my husband maybe a month earlier and was still learning about sociopath and still trying to screw my head back on straight after leaving my abusive sociopathic husband. So my mind was still not my own, still was being controlled my my ex through emails so I saw this guys behavior but was still in the fog of my ex. it all clicked one day and I just sent this guy an email and said to stop contact me. It was a very empowering moment for me, I was not rude in my email but very stern with my point. Good lesson learned right after leaving my ex.

      Like you I imposed the no contact rule with my h (now ex) at the time because of the way his ranting emails made me feel emotionally & physically.

      Their manipulation & behavior for that matter is of a 2 year old for sure. I use to think that he acted like a child = now I know his mindset was of a child.

      Glad we all escape their grips and nightmarish worlds.



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  7. paulAU says:

    Hi there, I have to say I am sorry for all of your stories, Kitty, be strong, I have read several of your stories and I feel bad for you but I feel better knowing we can heal together.

    Mi situation is: Paul is not even my real name, I needed to use a different one online because the psychopath is a stalker.

    I married a same sex person that I met in the US when I was on holidays, he is 12 years younger than me.

    We dated for about 3 months and then we decided to get marry, this guy seemed the perfect fit for me, educated, “stable” job, with goals, etc, very charming and his friends love him.

    We moved together in California and I saw a few red flags but I never knew the word “sociopath” until after I left him.

    We got married. he had quit his job (he can’t hold a job for more than 2 or 3 months), and morbid jealousy followed. He thought I had had sex with a good friend of mine (who I talk often), but my friend is straight and has a wife. He made me put my phone on speaker so he could listen to the conversations. He asked me to leave my phone at home before going out for a walk in the beach. One night I called my friend while he was “sleeping” to get advice, so my ex wasn’t sleeping, but pretending to sleep and he slapped me on the face inside the bathroom saying I was lying and cheating.

    Like this, several examples, you would be horrified to know.

    During our marriage, I gave him more than $30,000 to invest in the share market using his investment account. After I left, all I got was $5,000 back. He traveled around Europe and kept sending me messages, he spent my money.

    Because he had my passwords, after I left, he contacted my mother and nephew and told them I was gay, and contacted at least 4 of my friends and sent penis and ass pics that he had taken during our marriage when we were having sex.

    Then, he called my workplace where I am now, and I had to tell HR that someone was stalking me.

    Finally, he opened a blog online and posted many things that are true and lies, even posted pics of my family.

    I tried to get a restraining order, but I couldn’t, I am outside the US and it can’t be done.

    This was horrible and he doesn’t wanna go away. I have no desire to talk to him ever again.

    I am in so much pain and I am looking for a job at the same time as well.

    What to do? please help

    Thank you



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  8. paulAU says:

    You know, I have considered taking my life so many times, but my mother will die from pain, so I cannot do it. I am in so much pain that cannot be described.

    I still love him and I cannot be with him, it would be crazy

    what can I do?

    My friends do not understand and do not want to listen to me anymore



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    • kittylover says:

      Dearest Dearest Paul…
      number one…
      have we dated the same man?
      and you and I are so much alike it is scary.

      I just woke up… and as I am making coffee with my beloved kitty…. an in ny apartment that for almost a year.. was his home too… our home… (although he could pay rent..(I am such an idiot…. but he did break his leg)…

      I was just standing in my kitchen… waiting for my Keurig to finish dispersing my coffee… and I had the thought…. that maybe it would be better if I died right now…. b/c this pain.. is worse than kidney stones… I have had them… worse than deaths I have experienced…. or meeting my birthparents as an adult… to find out.. he was a wealthy anesthesiologist from argentina…. and I was just the result of his 22 year American mistress… and he had even tried to abort me himself… with her on the kitchen table.

      Okay… that is baaaaad shit.

      but this is something different. and now my job.. that I love and need and will be homeless without…. has been effected?

      My sister Paul… my loving little sister will not talk to me. she’s over it. I love her so much… but she cant take the Jerry stuff anymore b/c somehow.. like my best friend back home… he has thought he was creepy all along.

      I have his photos still on my facebook! In an album… that I made in april before his mask came off. He is blocked. but my friends are al pissed at me.. b/c I wont take it down.

      I AM NO READY. IN THOSE PHOTOS IS THE MAN I LOVED AND CARED FOR AND WAS ENGAGED TO AND WHO LIVED WITH ME AND I NURSED HIM THRU A BROKEN LEG….
      I feel like I am still grieving the man I loved.
      So…. when our grandmothers die… we should take all her photos down off of facebook?

      I KNOW HE WAS NOT REAL NOW. I GOT THE POCKET DIAL of him with another woman……. right after hed texted me I LOVE YOU>… at Dr’s office
      right after he had made me dinner for the first time the night before… teling me how much he loves and wants to care for me the rest of my life.

      So Paul… we are kind of in the same boat.

      I am going to a psychologist today. a female who had met him and how embarrassing for me to return to her 8 months later… when she told me I was being emotionally abused and he had a disordered mind.
      I am supposed to sing at a gig tonite.. and I do ot want to. but to late to cancel.

      my friends are done with it.

      my sis wont talk to me.

      the love of my life disappeared in literaly…. 20 seconds….

      my dreams with him…. us getting a place together… big enough for his kids to come.. id play piano… we would cook…
      I finaly had a little family..
      b/c I have none.
      No kids.
      family al in another state.. and no one wants to hear my shit.

      I MISS THE GUY THAT I HAD STARBUCKS’ with on Saturdays mornings and I am grieving which pisses my friends off b/c they just say…
      OH MY GOD…. BE GLAD HE IS GONE.

      I know he is conning he elderly mom for money and shelter again… and his grand dad… and other women.

      I am soooo happy to have a restraining order… b/c he would have been back… he is off his risperdone……and is scary.

      but… now I cant warn his poor mom who he ignored for 20 years.. tho she lives in the same town.

      yes…. I think I would rather die right now… but
      I CANNTOT DO THAT TO MY MOTHER .

      it would kill her as she and my dad are very ill… with cancer and other things.

      How do I prove to my boss… that I can get my head together and kick ass… not just in the performance part of my job… which residents and families are raving about…

      but yes…

      I can buckle down…
      focus….
      get my documentation done each day.

      Please pray for me.
      and Paul… I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

      I love you all.



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      • AnnettePK says:

        Good Morning Kitty,

        We love you, too.

        It sounds like you are having a bad day. Prayers for you to feel better and more balanced soon.

        Mornings were the worst for me. When you get to feeling better here’s a couple of things to consider.

        The best way to prove to your boss that your work is good, is just to do your best every day. Are you sure your job is in jeopardy? Do you think it’s possible he felt like he needed to say something because you’ve been distracted from your job lately? Either way, the best thing you can do for the sake of your job is to take the best care of yourself you can, so you can do your best at work. That’s really all you can do; and what you do will prove your worth.

        Sadly your sister may not ever understand about your spath experience, but you can still connect with her about other things. Consider not talking about it with people who don’t understand, and share with those who do because they have been through it. There are plenty of other things to talk to people about, when you feel like being social.

        Don’t worry about warning people. It’s your responsibility to do what you can when you have opportunity, but when it’s not possible and not good for you and won’t help, it’s out of your hands. You can pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.

        With respect to FB, consider just telling people ‘thank you’for their advice, and not spend energy getting them to see your point of view. They are probably well meaning in giving you advice. Maybe make the pics private or only visible to people who aren’t complaining about them. Your counselor’s advice on the FB pics might be valuable to you. You can work towards taking them down when it’s the right time in your grieving process. There will be a time when you’ll want to take them down.

        For now, keep taking good care of yourself, try to keep balanced as you work through your grief, and keep us posted.

        You might try writing a gratitude list – the things you have in life that are good, despite the losses. No matter where a person is, it almost always helps one feel better.



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      • flicka says:

        Dear Kitty lover, Your analogy of your grandma to your jerry sounds like you still are psychologically entrapped by him and may not be ready to go completely NC with him. Your analogy is way off in confusing a grandmother’s normal love and caring instincts with those of a man who wishes you nothing but harm. He is EVIL and is out to slowly eliminate you. As a 77 yr old, disabled mom who wasted 40 years making excuses for her children’s evil acts and statements, I say please do not waste your precious life on someone who would simply laugh if you would die; he would just happily go on to finding another hapless victim! NC means just that…cutting all ties to the former perpetrator, verbal, visual, social media, everything. You have SO much else to motivate you…your wonderful job surrounded by people who love you and your special talents. Concentrate on that and you will quickly see your life improve.



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        • kittylover says:

          Fica…
          I have not contacted him in any way in 3 weeks and have a restraining order on hIm. I have nooo interest in ever contacting him in any sense of the wotd.
          I can not contact the man that I have been with for a year, my fiance, my live in forever love, because he does not exist! I think you mis understood me



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          • flicka says:

            The fact that you can even compare a grandmother’s photo to your tormenter’s facebook photo, or still see him as your “forever love” (rather than killer) suggests you may not be quite over the “hump” yet…despite your r.o. etc. I admire all your attempts, but worry about your job, friends, relatives and talents being lost to him; exactly what he wants. I am fighting for your survival and don’t want you to spend another minute thinking about someone who wants you only be eliminated. I know only too well what I ask of you but urge you to concentrate on the wonderful potentials you have…job, friends and family and develop these instead.

          • AnnettePK says:

            Flicka,

            I think it’s realistic that 3 weeks is not long enough to get over the hump. Betrayal of a relationship that is supposed to be love-based leaves an intense grieving process. The only way to get past it is to go through it.
            Everyone is different; I find that if I grieve a loss whole heartedly, I recover more completely than if I stuff my feelings.

            I took years for me to even get to the point of NC.

      • amille2 says:

        Kitty,

        There must be something in the air. Today is a particularly hard day for me too. Another feeling of one step forward; two steps back.

        I read your email and all these highly logical things pop into my head. How to tell you that by deleting all of my ex’s emails, throwing away all cards and letters, stuffed animals, gifts, jewelry (maybe I’ll regret not pawning for the money later, but for now its not about the money), filtering my emails so that if he attempts again, it is automatically deleted, etc. really has helped. I have no reminders of him in my house. No social media to worry about. He didn’t engage in any of that since he was leading a double life.

        The only thing I saved is the printout of the obituary with him listed as a husband of someone else.

        I keep that because I cannot throw away things in my mind. This morning I remembered how not too long ago he had me laugh about something very silly……..but I had not laughed like that for so long. And I started to miss him…..to the point of aching.

        I immediately read the obit. I do that because I need something tangible to remind myself of who he really is. My mind is still trying to trick me into thinking he is who he said he was. He used to refer to himself in third person somtimes….as in “I like being Helpful and generous (name)”

        So while logically, I’m doing great……..continuing to read……..just received “Women who love Psychopaths” and “The Sociopath Next Door” in the mail………

        Emotionally? not so much.

        For some reason this is much more painful than my divorce. Maybe because of the betrayl…….the lying about EVERYTHING…..or the fact that it was the PeterPan relationship…..everything was perfect……but it wasn’t. We were going to have a house big enough for all our kids to visit when they were grown.

        My friends do not understand either. I had dinner with some girlfriends last night. One told me that she thinks that he actually misses me. He could not have spent all that time with me and not miss me. How do I explain otherwise? The other friend wants to confront him. NO TO THAT. Less than 3 weeks ago, I would not understand any of this either………still have a hard time trying to understand how someone does not have conscious.

        Please don’t wish to be dead. I have come to depend on your posts……along with several others who are at the same point that we are. We need to get through all of this together…..learn what we can…….encourage each other to come out this stronger than we were. There is so many strong women on this site that have opened their hearts to helping us…..

        I hope tomorrow is a better day.



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  9. Anon says:

    The deception and everyone talking about you behind your back is just weak I think to make you appear the bad one. Strength in numbers against one person. He’s used my family and some of the things I have felt which are valid to me and had them talking when its none of their business. Typical from people that lack emotion and feelings. They’ve used information and changed and lied about things that weren’t even said. Using information and appearing the good guy by being involved with my family, illegally following my posts and contacting some I’ve written to, lying and passing information on and having me banned from other sites. It’s all to make them appear trusting. But they’re underhanded I have been made aware of this behaviour of this person and the tactics he uses to find out everything, ruin relationships that were fine. Spread what I say and pass on information to innocent people that don’t know this type of character. They will as I have spoken to my son about it today. He gets it and said this is what happens mum when you date someone like this. We both experienced the behaviour and we’re the only one’s that know.



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