lf1

Do you speak psychopath? navigating and exposing disordered communication

Anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of disordered communication knows that it can produce an array of madness and negativity. That’s the point, after all. But, the more experience we have with it, the more we learn that it is all the same. The players may change, but the messages remain identical. Identifying the fact that the correspondence is, in fact, disordered is the first step to handling it positively. The next is to learn to read between the lines of the written word vomit to understand the actual meaning. When we can, it’s liberating.

Individuals high in psychopathic traits want no one to be happy. They are easily set off by the most minor of circumstances. They torture their own children, or anyone they view as a potential threat, to facilitate their agendas. They shoot blindly in the dark, hoping to hit upon something that may have an ounce of truth.

Typically, however, there is little. They are merely sick sadists who are wildly dangerous. When they are aware of the fact that another knows and understands how sick and twisted they truly are, they try harder than normal to discredit. Verbal (written) abuse is often one of their tools.

Fearing exposure, there is nothing more dangerous to their charade than someone who knows what they are. Therefore, they try to get us before we get them. To clarify, our “getting them,” usually simply means their irrelevance in our lives. They cannot stand no longer taking center stage.

When we are on the receiving end of this insanity, it can be maddening. However, once we understand how to actually “read” what it is they mean, it is they who look pathetic. Rampant projection and lies abound. Once we understand, we’re armed.

The below e-mail chain chronicles the narcissistic rage of an individual high in traits, likely after learning of her child’s positive interaction with the intended target. She fears the loss of control she is experiencing with her ex-husband and similarly senses that her children do not have disdain for the new individual in their father’s life.

She likely feels that the most productive way to drive a wedge between the pair and the blending families is to cast doubt in the mind of her ex-husband’s new partner, with fear, threats, and belittling. She also tries to let the new partner know that she is truly nothing special.

Further, she goes on to say that her biological children hate the new partner. However, since there is nothing, in fact, to indicate that is true, all involved know better. As I have written in previous articles, everything they do and say is the opposite of reality. Their projection is the direct result of their own insecurities and shortcomings.

Background knowledge

The sender of this chain left her family years ago, moving out of state, to be with another man, while legally still married. To say she behaved “typically” is very accurate. Naturally, while this was her choice, she frequently back peddles, placing blame on everyone else present as to why she had to leave. A typical blame game. She plays the role of victim, telling everyone that the receiver of this e-mail chain was once her “best friend.” A smoke screen she created, as many thought they were immensely closer than they truly were. However, she was sloppy. Too many people saw her shenanigans on social media and too many were her victims. For most, to know her was to know something wasn’t quite right.

I have made no corrections to the e-mail. They appear in their original form to help illustrate the rage and impulsivity that is often present in disordered correspondence. The names have been changed to protect identity, however.

The communication was initiated under the guise of purchasing a confirmation gift. However, the real connection was established in hopes of obtaining a dose of narcissistic supply, and out of rage over the new family’s strengthening relationships. The communications begin with a negative tone and grow to show her shear hatred and jealousy.

The first e-mail of the chain

You don’t need to scary this but it would help me out a great deal if you did.

I was informed that he bought you a beautiful diamonds in rhythm necklace. If it’s the one I think it is, it’s very beautiful. He too must think so because he bought me the same one for my bday 2 years ago.

The reason I ask, well I was planning on buying one for X’s confirmation. You know, a “mother/daughter” type thing, like our matching Pandora’s and a lot of other jewelry her father has bought the two of us over the years. Well, it would be odd if I bought her one like her father bought me, and then now his “girlfriend” has one also? So, if what I’m being told is correct, I’d like to get her something else, which REALLY puts a damper on things.

I’m also assuming you’ll be at the service? Again, it will be odd and quite uncomfortable with you being there, but such is life.

So if you’d be so kind to get back to me asap about pendant, I’d greatly it. If you would rather not, I understand but I’d hate to put X under such a uncomfortable situation as much as possible.

Thanks.

The response

He is something different to each of us. I think your gift idea for X sounds very nice and nothing should dampen that regardless of what any of us have or have not been given in the past.

E-mail three…aka..scathing lunacy

Not true, and frankly, he shouldn’t be ANYTHING to you.

When he first bought me that gift, X was very “anamored” by it. I knew then that I will get her one for her confirmation. How do you think she’ll feel knowing his “girlfriend” was given the same thing. A gift he lovingly bought me and he knew I too was going to do the same for X???

I’m not surprised by your answer. You know there are times I pity you and feel sorry for you. Also times when I’m floored and utterly amazed at how you do the things you do.

I guess I just don’t have it in me to do or be the “person” you are. I mean how do you do it? You walk into my old house. The house HE and I built, you know it well. You were in it MANY times as MY FRIEND!!! The house I decorated. I picked the colors that are on the walls, the decorations, the furniture that are in the rooms, the couch you sit on now. The dinner table you eat at now. The one you’ve sat at NUMEROUS times as MY FRIEND that you now sit as my ex husbands “girlfriend”? Everything you see in that house is a part of me.

And it doesn’t stop inside the house either. When you walk up to my old house, you see the landscaping I chose, right down to the flowers, the patio furniture and the pool. Even the type/color of mulch. You know, the landscaping Ingrid’s boyfriends father is/may spruce up. I chose all of that. Even the tulips that bloom there were planted in honor of MY father. Heck, the garage has traces of me in it.

Let’s not forget about the bedrooms. The bed I choose, the one my then husband and I had sex on!! Sure change the sheets but my “presence” is still there. The bathroom where I would lay naked in the tub, he’d bring me wine and sit on the edge and watch me “clean” and then we’d finish in that same bed. That same room and many other rooms too. Even a few couches. Lucky for you, I guess, that didn’t happen much for as I’m sure youtee probably aware of now, know he’s not much in that area nor does he have the appropriate “tools” to perform. Deny it all you want or tell me you guys are OK in that area, he’s fantastic, sex isn’t the only thing in a relationship, blah blah blah. We both know better. Oh but wait, didn’t your last relationship end adruptly after a year greatly in part due to a lack of “connection” in that area? Oh and his first wife did cheat on him because well, for being rather tall with big shoes…. We know that’s a myth.

And now, every time you put on that necklace, see a glimpse of it in the mirror, have someone comment about it, you will know he didn’t even have the courtesy, the ability to think outside the box, of getting you something different. Or maybe it’s because he saw the sheer joy it brought me back then, he figured he couldn’t lose and try it again. Hmmmm….. Being the generous man he is, which I’m sure you’re a recipient of and enjoying it quite nicely, he’ll buy you more gifts such as that pendant. I don’t know about you, but knowing what you do now, I’d wonder every single time he bought me something, if he did the same for his ex. The EXACT same. Guess I’m lucky in that area regards to my relationship now. I didn’t know his ex as WELL as you did. I wasn’t a dear friend of hers. I didn’t go there for social visits. Didn’t take her kids on vacation. Babysit them before school. Had over for bday celebrations. Nor did I sit at her dining room table and cry my eyes out and tell her I was leaving my husband. Wondering now if you had it on your mind then to “seek” out his friendship.

But then again, you and he have shown that neither of you have any class, no consideration for other people’s feelings besides your own greedy needs. Just like you being at the confirmation. Naturally, she doesn’t want you there. She’ll tell or has told her father it’s OK, but she did so because she doesn’t want him upset. Smart girl, she’s seen what he’s like when he is.

She wanted nothing but for just one night, her father and I to be able to put aside our hatred for each other and be there for her, as HER family. No significant others from I and no “you”. Just her dad, her mother and her brother. I brought it up to him but no, he’s too stubborn and playing the damn victim routine, one you too are very good at playing, and can’t take a few hours of his time for OUR daughter. Sad. His loss. She’ll remember this and will one day resent him for it. Just like she’ll end up resenting him for putting her in the middle. His NEED to tell the kids EVERYTHING, the so called lies he’s told them I ‘ve told, the things I’ve done, the evil things he says about me, will eventually come back to hurt him. You know, karma.

Hmm……speaking of karma, you can’t seem to understand why what you and he are doing is wrong. Maybe I’ll ask (insert name of receiver’s ex husband) to come with me to the confirmation. Maybe we should start talking more and not care what others think, especially our children. What’s good for the goose, right?

Well I’m done with this conversation. I’ll find something else to buy X since her dad and you, have yet again, messed something up for MY daughter. You enjoy that pretty bauble, I still wear and enjoy mine daily, and all the other ones I’m sure you’ll receive. Hmmmm…… Kinda makes you a kept woman now doesn’t it. Then again, nothing new. Everyone knows you’re only after his “money” and the comfortable lifestyle you’ll get by being with him.
Response

Please do not contact me in this manner again.

Final e-mail in chain

Bwahahaha. Hit a nerve?? Good. Enjoy your “life” of comfort. You’re used to having men pay your way. He’s nothing new. Everyone sees it and laughs. It is quite amusing.

Now I’ll suppose you’ll keep going at it to prove me wrong. Lol. Whatever. Oh and make sure you tell good ole’ Johnny boy I said “hi” when you go crying on his shoulder about my mean and nasty email. Poor poor Jane. Ring a bell??

Just remember everything you say to him gets back to MY kids and he spews nothing but hatred and venom about me. They’ll eventually see you’re the cause of that. They’ll resent you EVEN more then they do now.

Lol. Good luck.
What’s the meaning of all of this?

In short, sticks and stones, with the exception of the legitimate threat. More in-depth, as previously stated, the sender was irritated over an un-named but likely specific event or simply the fact that she is no longer in control of her ex-husband’s life. The true meaning of the communication had nothing to do with the potential confirmation gift. In fact, much of what was written makes little sense and next to none of it is true.

She was letting the receiver know that her new man was not a prize and that she was one of many. Her gift was unimportant, as it was a mere duplicate.

Further, she was letting the new woman know that she is well aware of the specifics that go on in her life. Stalking behavior. She is also informing the new girl that her presence is not wanted. All of which are lies. If she could make her upset and have her believe that the world is laughing at her, maybe the new girl would leave. In reality, only one person was being laughed at.

When she received a sterile response, she became enraged. Her supply had been not fulfilled. Now, it was time to dive further into attack mode, indicating her ex-husband’s “inadequacies.” What better way to “castrate” a male? Just prior, however, she had spoken of many of the places they had had sex. So, which is it? Is he inadequate or one of the most romantic men out there, catering to her with wine in the bath tub and “finishing” on the bed?

She also wants to remind the new woman that in spite of her absence, which she had to choose because she was busy stealing her husband from her, the house is hers. She will say things in an effort to cast doubt in the mind of the new person and in each and every spot in the room. But the new girl knows how to read between the lines and understands this is pathetic fear, as she knows she has something she can never attain – the ability to feel. She also senses possible regret. Her life is no longer what it once was. The sender repeatedly, in past chains that are not shown, mentions how fortunate she is with her new interest, but the new woman understands that there is no paradise in that situation. How could there be?

Eventually, she threatens the new woman with her ex-husband. She threatens to invite him to the very church where the confirmation will take place. An act of pure vengeance, as the new girl has a litigious ex, who she had a restraining order against and who has been court ordered no contact with their children. This would clearly place that family in harm’s way, which could rise to the level of potentially criminal behavior on her part.

Not to mention, what about her daughter’s confirmation? This is a clear display of the circus she would like to turn a very sacred event into at her own child’s expense. The sender also admits having hatred for the other parent, something the other parent does not display toward her. However, she has become irrelevant and senses that loss of control.

She sadly and incorrectly believes that if she screams loudly enough, she can convince the new woman that she is ever present, the new girl is hated by those she wants acceptance from the most, that she is still important to her ex, and that the new woman is with a man who is not worthy of being called a man. However, in each of these situations, the exact opposite is true.

Further, she is alienating her children, but pointing the finger in the opposite direction, illogically blame shifting and attempting to create an alternate reality (where the lies take on lives of their own) and shifting the focus off of the topic and creating an entirely new conversation. Yep…straight from the playbook of abnormal behavior. “Me, me, me, me, me, my, my my”…like a tantruming three year old.

What comes next?

The possibilities are endless. Perhaps silence. Or, perhaps a more vigorous campaign, smearing the new woman about how she thinks she’s a “psychologist” or how she’s the crazy, pathetic one. She may again play the role of victim and address the recipient as to how anyone could “do this” to her by sharing, it was a private matter, etc. Bottom line is this; the target did nothing other than exist. She should have kept the poison out of New Girl’s inbox, because from there it became fair game.

Perhaps she will contact the new girl’s ex, as threatened. They’d both be fools. Maybe, not having gotten the satisfaction she wanted, she will move on to another source, like her own ex-husband, her children, her current partner, or someone different all together. There are marked shifts that occur in who she tests for supply.

To know this personality is to know how predictable they are. We may not know the exact date and time, but we know how inevitable more intermittent babble is, mixed with utter hatred and the “please’s” and “thank you’s.” None of it is real and it is all in the name of maintaining imbalance.

Regardless, for this particular new woman, it’s all old news… Nothing that hasn’t been expressed before by the other individual high in sociopathic features she’s encountered. They’re all the same everywhere, by those any of us have encountered! The new girl has experience. The new girl hopes this helps others understand, heal, learn, and move forward with grace and confidence….



18 Comments on "Do you speak psychopath? navigating and exposing disordered communication"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. 4Light2shine says:

    Linda I really appreciate this article. I think that this type of format where we the reader are given opportunity to develop our instincts by analyzing conversations and interactions are incredibly important. While we individually may have gained incredible insights into our spathy one, we need to expand that experience into a working life model. Honestly your example was a very good one. If we can look beyond the gender and focus on the disordered thinking, it’s all there. It’s not about the subject matter either. We need to be able to pick up on the small clues that they are giving us during everyday mundane interactions. This is what a disordered woman looks like. Most of the spathy people that I know, men and women are far better at the game than this woman. Much more covert. Thanks and please keep writing these important articles.



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.