lf1

How long does it take to recover from a sociopath?

Woman-in-depression-300x200Most of you who come to Lovefraud are here because you suspect, or have concluded, that your partner is a sociopath.

You are shocked, traumatized, betrayed, disappointed, angry.

You may know, on an intellectual level, that you need to end the relationship, but you may find it hard to take the steps to do it.

Or, you have already ended the relationship and are working to maintain No Contact with the individual, even as he or she pleads, cries or threatens, trying to draw you back into the web.

Whatever your circumstances, you feel terrible. Your emotions range from grief to sadness to disappointment to fear to anger to hatred. Internally, you’re a churning hot mess, and you want an answer to the question:

How long am I going to feel like this?

Recovery from any breakup is hard

Any time a relationship ends, recovery can be painful and difficult. You feel bad, and you don’t want to feel bad.

Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD, wrote a short article on PsychologyToday.com identifying five fallacies that people often believe after a relationship has ended. They are:

  • Myth #1: If the breakup was for the best, you shouldn’t be sad
  • Myth #2: If your ex was a jerk, you won’t miss him
  • Myth #3: If you miss him, it means you should be together
  • Myth #4: You need to stop being sad and get over it
  • Myth #5: Getting over it will happen quickly

The psychologist explains why these ideas are not true. Please read what she says:

5 myths of recovery after your break up, on PsychologyToday.com.

Now, consider this: The psychologist is addressing relationship breakups involving normal people, not sociopaths. If you’ve been involved with a sociopath, the situation is magnified.

The mega-relationship with a sociopath

Everything about being romantically involved with a sociopath is more intense. You’ve probably experienced many of the following:

  • Relentless pursuit — the sociopath was amazingly persistent in trying to get something going with you.
  • Love bombing — the sociopath showered you with affection and attention, quickly proclaiming his or her love.
  • Making your dreams come true — the sociopath promised everything you wanted, and painted a glistening picture of your lives together.
  • 24/7 contact — he or she always wanted to know where you were and what you were doing. You believed he or she was totally smitten with you.
  • Soul mate — you have so much in common that the sociopath seemed to be exactly the person you’ve been waiting for all your life.
  • Unbelievable sex — Your physical relationship was the best you’ve ever had, at least in the beginning.
  • Pity play — the sociopath said or did things to make you feel sorry for him or her.
  • Sleep deprivation — the sociopath never slept, and wanted you to be awake too. Sleep deprivation made you more susceptible to the sociopath.
  • Financial exploitation — the sociopath convinced you to give money or pay expenses, to the point where your financial situation is jeopardized.
  • Fear and anxiety — the sociopath did things that made you feel afraid and anxious. He or she may have threatened to leave the relationship or even cause you harm.

Experiences like these, both positive and negative, make your involvement with the sociopath into a mega-relationship. Compared to other people you’ve been with, the highs are so much higher and the lows are so much lower.

What does this mean when you break up? There is more to recover from.

Links to other painful experiences

Sociopaths hook us by targeting our vulnerabilities. They ask questions to find out where we’ve been hurt and disappointed in life, and then promise to make the pain go away.

This isn’t what happens, of course. Sociopaths create more pain.

But there is a gift buried in the experience of a relationship with a sociopath, and here it is:

The relationship with the sociopath is so awful, and the breakup so painful, that you can no longer ignore previous betrayals that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.

Recovering from the relationship with the sociopath is an opportunity for total recovery. It is a time when all those buried emotional disappointments burst into your awareness whether you like it or not.

You are presented with the chance to release not only your feelings about what the sociopath did, but your feelings about other people and events in your past as well. By working through all of the emotion, you can become truly healthy, and never susceptible to a sociopath again.

Take all the time you need

So, how long will your recovery take? As the psychologist stated in the article, it will take as long as it takes.

And given that ending it with a sociopath is not a normal breakup, recovery will probably take more time than if you’d been involved with someone who wasn’t disordered.

You will feel bad for awhile. It’s just something you’ll need to slog through.

So be tender and compassionate towards yourself. Know that you are doing a lot of work towards your personal growth.

To help the process along, allow yourself to experience moments of joy wherever you can find them. Do anything that makes you happy, from taking a walk in the park to watching a good movie to treating yourself to a giant chocolate chip cookie.

You may feel like you’re in a dark place now, but I promise you that it will get better. Hang in there. Believe in yourself. Take this time to work on your complete recovery, and eventually your life will become more than you have ever imagined it could be.

 

 

 



50 Comments on "How long does it take to recover from a sociopath?"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Remembertoforget says:

    VictimofFemale,
    Wow. I am sorry you got taken in by the snake! I had to comment because my ex, we had a mutual friend also that hadn’t hung out with him since the 90’s, and she said he is amazing, so sweet! She told him the same about me. I took it for as good as gold! Wow, he must have loved that referral by her.
    They are all still chatting it up on fb while I have since deleted ALL social media. He tells them all now how I dumped him, and plays his victim roll as he did to me.
    Good for him then. Rope em’ in!!!
    Next time i’ll run a background check.
    Good thing you didn’t fall in love!!



    Report this comment

    • VictimOfFemale says:

      Thanks, Remembertoforget and flicka,

      I am still furious about the whole thing. My head is still spinning. I am considering transferring out of state just to avoid any confrontations.

      Do you know, I originally bought her a 10-yr-old sedan for $4,000? After a few days of driving it, she sent me a text-pic of the dash with the service engine light on (after having driven it home to her husband every night for about a week) and REALLY went to work on me with her charm and charisma to trick me into upgrading it, which I DID….to a 2013 LOADED car with bluetooth, leather and navigation.

      To say the psychopath plays on a person’s good nature is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I am completely on the fence about suing her in civil court. I just could NOT accept another “win” for her. I would just “lose it”. I am in the midst of miserable PTSD as it is. I try to pass the whole thing off as “oh, well, a person is just born with the brain they’re given to work with”. That only seems to help temporarily. Then, I’m right back to being furious again.

      These two snakes deserve whatever horrible things happen to them and I don’t like talking this way. My physician said that someone will DEFINITELY kill her one day. It just won’t be me.

      He’s been seeing 40+ patients/day for over 40 years. He said psychopaths don’t often live much past their 50s in his experience. I try to think of ways to get back at her. I know of an outfit that will retrieve ALL of her and my texts which would make for an interesting case study of the psychopathic mind. I thought of posting several of her lying texts online without revealing her identity, at least at first (if ever). I’m not much of a facebooker, but, I’d sure like to know how to contact ALL 1000 of her “friends” to let them know what a snake she is so they can’t be taken in, also.

      Man, she messed me over GOOD. Psychopaths “become” what you like in an ideal mate. She had me believing she had NO man in her life, was a frugal saver, and didn’t smoke. ALL LIES.

      This psycho even stooped so low as to attend a local, VERY heavily attended, popular parade a year ago WITH MY OWN MOTHER, JUST to gain my trust EVEN MORE so I’d be “sure” to buy her that car (3 weeks later) to make it appear as though she and I had a promising future together.

      My mom has been driving 20 miles out of her way about 3 times/week for the past few months JUST to bring me home-cooked meals because she KNOWS how torn up I am about the whole thing. A mother (WITH a conscience) knows. I love her for it.

      I often walk around kicking little pebbles in the street, saying, why couldn’t that have been HER in that cage when ISIS set that Jordanian pilot on fire? I often fantasize that it’s her, instead.



      Report this comment

      • Remembertoforget says:

        VOF,
        Did you have ptsd before engaging with her from something else? I only ask because I hear often, and with me too, I was taken in by one when I was going through other sad events andvwas depressed when I met him.
        Has she tried to contact you?
        Stay with your doctor… I feel like some don’t live super long lives either.
        About the revenge….I understand 100%.
        I fantasized about it.
        Oh I wish you luck and healing from this insanity.
        There is support and wisdom here.



        Report this comment

        • Remembertoforget says:

          Vof,
          Looking back I believe I knew 2-3 female sociopaths in my life…
          One was so covert and she hurt people. The other two were just obvious sickos to me…but that covert one, she was good, and shady!
          Awful.



          Report this comment

          • VictimOfFemale says:

            No, the REALLY sad thing is, from age 14 all the way to 32, I suffered from SEVERE depression and finally saw a doc about it and managed to FULLY overcome it by about 41. I’m soon to be 49 and SHE sent me right back to my “horror days” THIS YEAR that I waited SOOOO long to overcome! (PTSD often doesn’t show up for a few months after that “special day” when realizing you have a lovely psychopath situation on your hands–that is the case with me)

            No, she has NOT tried to contact me. The big “psycho realization” happened in early October (2014) when I was finally so perplexed that I googled it and it quickly sank in……I texted and argued with her a couple hours earlier. Our LAST contact of ANY kind was my text “I’d like the car back, please”

            She KNOWS how badly she (THEY) messed me over. My doc said she probably won’t even remember me a year from now. She DID contact a “go-between” she worked with who we both know well, in December. She still has this former co-worker “fooled”/believing that she is “normal”. When this former co-worker told me the psycho called her to say, “ohh, he blessed us (her & the kids) soooo much….how IS he, any way?” I KNEW that was just her trying to make sure I wasn’t walking around there talking about “revenge” or planning something against her. That made me even more furious.

            If you are familiar with the show Breaking Bad when Hank realizes Walt is Heisenberg, thinks back about all the time they spent together, all the hours Hank put in to find Heisenberg, then as Hank and his wife are driving back home, Hank is so overcome with anger, it sends him to the hospital in quite the dramatic scene…..Yeah, that’s similar to how I feel….Ironically, it was about the same year and a half length of time he was lied to as I was…..

          • VictimOfFemale says:

            So, no, the PTSD is 100% because of HER! I was SO high on life and feeling and doing great and springing out of bed EVERY morning, that I did NOT have my guard up AT ALL against encountering such pure evil…..

            She came to learn SO many things about me in the 10 months she PREYED on me BEFORE we went out on our “fake” dates….. and the fact we had the “friend in common” (going back 20 years) that I felt comfortable enough with her that I told her I was doing very well financially and could help her “make ends meet”….HUGE MISTAKE

            I just don’t understand that WITHOUT a conscience, WHY wouldn’t they be “neutral” instead of using it for “evil”?

          • Remembertoforget says:

            Vof,
            They all should be put in jail!!
            Then they can all tell fairytale stories to each other and fight with each other over food!

          • Remembertoforget says:

            I’ve tried and tried and tried to undrstand it- or wrap my head around it, but I just can’t. I have a conscience!

  2. flicka says:

    Hey guys, I’m so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking relationships. One good fact ensues and that is that we hear from men suffering the same devastation from their sociopath females. Of course we’ve all heard they exist in both sexes but we hear from so few men…their thoughts and feelings expressed in words. Thank you and God speed to you both on your paths to healing.



    Report this comment

  3. flicka says:

    She’s not worth one more moment of your agony; she’s just laughing it off. Forget her a.s.a.p.



    Report this comment

  4. felix says:

    VoF

    I was sorry to read your story, it does indeed sound like you have been exploited by a manipulative person, in a ruthless and callous manner. These people are…parasites they live off of others kindness, whether that be love or money.

    I know it will be difficult, but you have to concentrate on yourself now, making sure you eat and sleep as well as you can. All my best wishes



    Report this comment

    • VictimOfFemale says:

      Thank you, felix.

      I’ve needed to “vent” about all this. But, I hope you are doing well, also. What stage are you in with your situation? I know what you mean when you said the “discard was blunt and surgical” and I’m sorry you had to deal with that….Was that long ago?



      Report this comment

  5. felix says:

    VoF

    The first discard happened in Oct 14 and was brutal, 24 house previously she’d declare eternal love, and then the end game began. I didn’t know what was happening. Very callous and cruel. I was unaware of the stages of abuse, and was gas lighted into believing that I was responsible for the break down of the affair.

    I knew then that this hadn’t been like any prior relationship I’d been in, so I started googling, and discovered the ‘otherworld’, that she may be a sociopath.

    At the time I was consumed by black horror; in July, seven weeks after we began I knew there was something desperately wrong with her, and I was mulling over what I had gotten into and how I could get out. I didn’t even verbalise leaving her, she knew. She picked up on it and responded that she would kill herself if I left her. That episode went on for five hours, very tough and very draining. I was scared she meant it, so I stayed.

    But after the discard in October, I realised the suicidal threat was just emotional blackmail, which made me feel even worse.

    I went no contact, though she tried to breach it due to us working in the same company. She smeared me to people and made life miserable in the office.

    Getting into to work everyday became a Herculean effort on my part. I spoke with a counsellor, who never flat out labelled my ex, but instead referred to her as disturbed. At this time I wasnt sure that my ex was a sociopath, I was still in the fog, still taking some responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

    In early December she made overtures of friendship, which I now realise is the worst thing that can happen post discard with a sociopath. We talked and and said that she was considering councelling, was looking for charity work and essentially portraying herself to me as a person showing insight. A second episode of love bombing and I was back in, sort off. We’d enjoy Christmas, I said, but on 1 jan we’d sit down and discuss the craziness of the last year

    The sit down didn’t materialise, she began to withdraw, and to devalue. She went missing for 24 and when I got in contact with her, she’d stayed at some guys house doing cocaine. Im pretty sure this guy was the ‘new supply’ back in Oct. I shut the door then. I told her she would never be part of my life again.

    She’s tried to reel me in many times since then, and has got no response. Work has been hell, she’s smeared and vilified me to any one she can. She spent four weeks solidly trying to evoke an emotional response from me. Then she accumulated a gang, in work, and had them mob me. I consider her the most dangerous person I have ever met.

    I have come to terms with what she is. She is a sociopath, I am sure of this. Normal people with a conscience, they don’t behave in this way. Normal people don’t try to destroy other people. It looks like I may have to find another job, cause even though she has a new target, she’ll never forgt that I bolted the door. They may discard you, but when you come to your senses…you eventually reject every single thing about them.



    Report this comment

    • VictimOfFemale says:

      felix,

      Hope the job hunt is going well….Or, maybe she won’t be working there much longer? Mine loves to jump from job to job until she wrings out EVERY drop she can use an innocent person for, then moves on.

      Yes, it’s important to know, as my doctor pointed out, psycho/socios get a “high” from the torment they cause us and the control OF us which is why we go “no contact”. Be sure to go and STAY “no contact” as I have for the last 7 months and 7 days. I don’t have ANY desire to EVER hear another word about her unless it’s her obituary.

      You don’t have ANY responsibility for the “failure” of the relationship. I’m sure you fully realize that, now. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure the smearing and vilifying at work. I know just what that is like.

      I did NOTHING BUT go out of my way to help this person financially and treat her with respect and she still had to lie about me for her own psychopathic amusement. She constantly posts those sappy little sayings about “honesty” on her FB page with pictures of footprints in the sand on a beach…..that will say “just be honest”…..I KNOW it gives her a “thrill” and a “high” because she KNOWS she is the POLAR opposite of it and the fact that she has 1000 “friends” who will see & believe it.

      You and I can do 1000 times better. And we will.



      Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.