Editor’s note: The following story was sent by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “CatieJane.”
I just finished reading a book about narcissists, written by a woman that in the book mentioned this site. I have now for several days, considered whether I should write here – and the reason I have doubts.
Is that I still have doubts about whether it really is my ex or me that is “crazy” …
I do not live in an English speaking country, I come from Denmark. So if I dont write proper English, I apologize in advance.
My story …
For 8 years I have been with my ex. 8 years that has been crazy.
When I met him 8 years ago, he was this wonderful, loving, caring man. (Had never seen a man be so PERFECT) before. He was like something out of a romantic book, bought flowers for me, toys for my dog, phoned and wrote constantly.
It was not long before we were in a real, serious relationship. He resigned his apartment and moved his things down to his mother when there was no room in my apartment. Everything seemed perfect.
But it wasn’t.
It took a few months, and I started getting “this feeling” in my stomach … Got a feeling that something was wrong … And it was supported by my friend that told me, that she had seen him on a dating site where he had a dating profile and was quite active.
I confronted him with it and he got mad at me. Told me that I saw ghosts that there was nothing in it. That he just used it when he had nothing else to do etc …
And stupid as I was, I chose to believe him … Or rather, I did kind of … But I began to search around the web for him. Found several single profiles etc.
I chose to “test” him … Created one fake profile as a beautiful woman, and soon he wrote to this fake profile, without him knowing it was me who was sitting behind. He asked if I’d wanted to meet (my fake profile) and I said yes … gave him a fictitious address and he said he would be there in 1 hour.
At the same time I contacted him as me, his girlfriend … Asked what he was doing and he said he was at work and sat in the car because he was getting cake for his colleagues. I went crazy on him, screaming and shouting and said he was a liar. And told him that it was me who had been sitting behind this fake profile he had been writing to.
He came home to me, told me that there was nothing in it, that he did not intend to do something… and that it was ME who needed a lot of attention, so he needed to talk to others. He took his things and left.
Checked his computer again
It took a few weeks, then he came back, he missed me … and we were together again. One day when he was at work, I did something I know I should not have done. I checked his spare computer that stood at my house. And I could see various chat logs, emails, etc. that he had with other women.
Here, I read how he told them he was single How he flirted … made dates etc. And for women (that Unfortunately for him) knew he was with me, he told that he was tired of me, that we were not “together” but only lived together because he had to save money. What ?!
I found out that he had been unfaithful to me several times and I confronted him with all the things I had learned. Which resulted in, I was told that I was a psychopath and I did not know a damn thing.
I got pregnant
Time after time he came back with sweet words and love declarations that he would have a child with me, he wanted to marry etc … But it only lasted a few weeks or months, then I was dropped again and again and again …
We got back together … and everything seemed to go well … We started to make plans, talked about having a child. And so it happened that I got pregnant.
And then it clicked for him. I was dropped again, he would have nothing to do with me, told everyone that I had become pregnant against his will. Told me that if I had the baby, he would commit suicide and I would be guilty of his two children from his previous relationship would get a life without their father.
I was a totally mess. I got hospitalized most of my pregnancy because I could not eat or anything. They told that I was subjected to psychological terror. One day he wrote to me “Are you soon bleeding? So I can get that abortion.”
A few weeks went by, and then he sent flowers to me at the hospital and asked if he could visit me because he missed me. I was stupid and said yes. He came and when the doctor came into the room, his only comment to the doctor was, if it was too late to apply for a late abortion. I started to cry and the doctor threw him out of the room.
Throughout the pregnancy, he told me how much I ruined his life by getting the child, how terrible he felt that he could not eat, think or anything.
And I was miserable about it … For on the one hand, I had this lovely baby growing in my belly, but I just did not get the chance to “be happy” about it because I was constantly reminded of how horrible he had it. Despite the fact that a child had been a common choice (until I got pregnant!)
A friend of mine called me one day while I was in the hospital, said he had seen my ex at a party where he had been with another woman.
I tried to call him but he did not take the phone … And I began to see that many of the times in which he had said he was in bed and was terrible actually were times where he had been with other women.
When the birth came, I heard nothing from him. But nevertheless found out later that he had been on a date with a woman. He would not see our child or have anything to do with me. But chose to come to the hospital when our son was 11 days old, but was only there for 15 minutes and then he went on a date with a new girlfriend.
I tried then to get on with my life, enjoyed being with my lovely lovely son.
It took 2 months and then there was an old friend who contacted me and we talked. There was nothing between us but we just talked well together. I added him on facebook, and my son’s father / ex had obviously seen it and that we had commented on several of each other’s posts.
And then I was suddenly interesting again. He said he dropped his girlfriend because of me. He would be a family, he missed me and loved me.
I forgave him and we were together again … It took 3 weeks and then I was dropped again … The reason I was dropped was because he spent all his time in front of the computer, and I “allowed” myself to ask if we could do something together. He got angry with me and threw me down the stairs.
Together … and dropped
This has been the relationship ever since … Together … Dropped … And each time, he has become more and more “cold” and indifferent.
He has dumped me for small stupid things, like one time that I had not gone down with the garbage, that I had taken on too much weight.. Then he dropped me because I wanted to see him several times a week …
And when he has dropped me, it has been with icy coldness and silent treatment. Where I have written millions of emails to him, text messages and called him. I have even sent him gifts … just to get him to talk to me. I know it sounds stupid … But it’s damn hard to be ignored by the one you love.
Like a robot
The times we have been apart and he nevertheless took his phone, he has been like a robot. No emotion shown, told how indifferent he was with me, that I am nothing to him, that I was the problem and that I needed help. That I harassed him with my begging mails and tons of calls.
1 month ago he dumped me again … He wanted to see the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” with me. But I had promised my girlfriend that I watched it with her. I told him that we could just see it together another day. But when I chose to leave with my friend, then all hell broke loose.
The next day I could see on facebook that he now was a member of various facebook single groups, had added new women to his facebook profile and much more. I wrote to him that I did not understand why he would be like this and I was told that I should seek help, that I was mentally ill, that I had to work with my distrust and jealousy… That he would have nothing to do with me.
Son in the hospital
Two weeks ago, our son was admitted to the hospital, and I contacted him to tell him about it. He did not care and told me he was on his way to a single party and that it was more important.
However, the next day he showed up at the hospital, and was suddenly changed. Smiled, chatted and told me he had missed me. We were together for a week until Wednesday.
But his behavior was very strange. He walked out of the room when the phone rang, putting his phone so I could not see it etc … Had blocked me on facebook.
Another woman again
One night he was in bed with his phone and playing on an app and suddenly there is a woman who writes that she misses him … I start to shake, asked him what it was about … and he got angry with me, told me he did not know why she wrote, that there is nothing between them.
In the morning he was still angry with me ??? He said that he was tired of my questions and distrust. I flipped, and said to him that it is clear to distrust when a slut writes to him, and that I do not want to be lied to. He then slapped me. And I start to cry and said to him that he should never touch me again!
Our son came down and we pretended that everything was ok. Eating breakfast, and everything seems OK on the surface … I sat on the sofa with our son and watching cartoons, and he comes over started holding me.
But I was very sad, and just wanted to go home. Ask him if he would drive us home, but he couldn’t before in the evening.
When we were driving home in the evening, our son fell asleep in the car (thankfully). I ended up sitting in the car and cry and asked him how he can be such a robot and change that way. (Stupid me). He got angry, stopped the car and take a stranglehold on me and tells me that I destroy his life, that I shouldn’t meddle around what he’s doing, and he is talking to whom he pleases.
I do not know what happens, but for the first time in my life – I react to his violent actions, and I end up biting him in the cheek.
When me and my son got out of the car, the last thing he says to me is that he will go to the police.
The next day he calls me and tells me that he has told the police about my violent assault. I called the police and ask them if it is true; it is. And I ask them about what he has said. Just as I expected, he lied to the police, saying that I with no reason and out of the blue, had bitten him. But he forgot to tell that he had both slapped me and took a stranglehold on me.
Had enough now
Now I’ve had enough now. I will not expose my son or myself for this life more.
But yet I sit here and think … Is he a narcissist? Or just an asshole? Is it him or me there is something wrong with?
I know I have been suspicious, but, I’ve also had reason to it (I think). I know that I called him millions of times, and written tons of mails when he has given me the silent treatment. But it have never been to harass him …
And I know it was wrong to bite him, I also have regretted it. But I just got enough.
And now I can’t make head or tail of things more … Can not figure outwhether it’s me or him there is something wrong with …