lf1

Mother tells her story: Her husband killed her kids

Jordan and Jada Mendoza-Birth

Jordan and Jada Mendoza-Birth. (Photo by Zoey Mendoza)

On October 18, 2010, Zoey Mendoza-Birth saw her children alive for the last time. She and her husband, Kurtis Birth, were in the process of an “amicable separation.”

That day, Birth picked the kids up early from daycare. He then shot the kids in the back of the head, and then shot himself.

Zoey told her story for the first time on Yahoo Parenting. I don’t know if Kurtis Birth was a sociopath — not everyone who kills their children is. But I think Zoey’s description of coming to terms with her grief is helpful for Lovefraud readers.

My husband killed our kids, on Yahoo.com.

Link sent by a Lovefraud reader.

 



11 Comments on "Mother tells her story: Her husband killed her kids"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. kmillercats says:

    This is just so, so sad. I can’t begin to imagine her pain.



    Report this comment

  2. NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

    I should not have read this story. It is so very very sad. It brings it all home for me. You see… I CAN imagine her pain.

    My ex attacked my child’s soul. He destroyed her childhood. Her world became a nightmare.

    I am the one who brought him into our lives. I am the reason he had access to my brilliant beautiful child. I failed to protect her. I failed to see what he was doing to her, the mind games, the manipulations, the blame and guilt he piled on her. The skills he taught her, to divide herself from my mommy love for her, to degrade and ridicule my pride in her. He taught her to sabotage herself and her well being because if good stuff happened to/for her, he taught her that it meant I “won” and that mommy’s like me should NEVER “win”…

    There is no evil worse than the evil that a man does to an innocent child.

    I can’t get past the guilt, the self loathing that the most precious child in my life was infected by that THING, that disgusting putrid slime… and I was the one who made that happen.

    It makes sense why there is nothing left for me but to wait to die. That I know there is joy out there but it’s not appropriate for me to live that way because my actions robbed my child of the life that GOD trusted me to give her.

    There is NOTHING, NOTHING that could punish me enough for bring my ex into my daughter’s world. And NOTHING I can do to make up for it.

    This article helped to remind me of my part in my daughter’s nightmare. My ex didn’t murder her, but by what he did, I get to watch and live the consequences of his behavior FOREVER. There is no escape from that HELL. none.



    Report this comment

    • aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

      NWHSOM
      Peace, hon.
      “My peace I (Jesus) give you”. “The peace of God passeth all understanding.”
      And passes all deserving (or so it may seem to us).
      We may not deserve it, but we can have it. We just have to ask.
      {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}



      Report this comment

    • curls says:

      Notwhathesaidofme — That is very creepy. Because the same thing was done to me. For me it was done by a licensed therapist. She twisted around and created this bizarre “reality” that had my very loving parents as “bad” and me as “unable to connect.” She was very clever, and used manipulative techniques on the very real concern that had brought me to therapy, and my lack of knowledge on the therapy process and life (I was 22)… to twist it all into this non-reality. She fooled my mother too into thinking this bizarre reality must have some value. Not one person in my life was able to look and see where the insanity was which tells you how manipulative and clever she was… though all could say by the end, that something had gone horribly wrong. I look at the ridiculous notes I have from then and wonder how a normal, sane, person who related well to others, educated and intelligent, could get so sucked into something so insane. (It’s like how a cult brainwashes.)

      I haven’t directly heard anyone else tell a story like mine before with the bizarreness and separation from your loving parents, and claims that you can’t feel good because (in my case I was “punishing myself so I wouldn’t feel good because I felt guilt for feeling good” according to her bizarre logic.) So thank you for sharing — it’s meaningful to me to see this.

      Nonetheless, I can tell you… I’m working with a sane and good therapist now. One who’s been able to help a number of childhood rape victims recover extremely well. As we step through the pieces of processing my way out of this and she describes the parallels of what I experienced to what any abuser does — time and again, what you describe is the typical essence of what a pedophile does. That intent to separate the child from their parent’s love, and from trusting their own self and everyone from their joy IS the pedophile’s goal.

      As long as you let that pedophile steal you and your child’s joy in life — and leave a wedge of guilt for both of you to feel — he will have gotten what he set out for. He can’t love, so instead he aims to possess. He knows if you are wiggling in pain, then you can feel a connection to him — that’s his form of “relationship” and ahem “love.” (Otherwise, known as “hate.)

      You say “and I was the one who made that happen.” That’s false. It’s what he wants you to believe. At every turn where you could have spotted it and stopped it, he was there with a manipulation that stopped you. You are not at all at fault. Not any more than if you and she caught an invisible virus.

      For instance, my friend gets groceries, and loads them into her car. On the way home she realizes her purse is gone, that had nearly $1000 inside. Turns out someone took it from her cart while she was loading her car. Brazen. She can analyze every which way, that she could have stopped it. That doesn’t change one fact. A thief -chose- to steal it. If she’d left it in the cart in the middle of the lot for days — it shouldn’t have gone missing. It required and it was done by someone who CHOSE to steal. And who knew how to hide as he took it, so she didn’t notice.

      Healing is hard. It takes finding the right people to help you, which is hard to find. There are a lot of people not quite able to. I wish you very good success and finding the ones who can help you. The right ones can help you see where YOU were a victim too — where you tried to see and HE stopped you with manipulations as clever and evil as what he did to your child.

      continued…



      Report this comment

      • curls says:

        continued…

        Right now, more than anything in the world, what your child needs to heal — is for you to start the healing process yourself. She needs you to be the mommy she loved. So that she can work her way back and away from his lies, and back into the loving mommy relationship, she DESERVES. Don’t take it away from her by letting his guilt manipulation, cause you to disintegrate and disappear from her… and cause you to beat up on that mommy she needs to love.

        It’s taken a while to get the core back with my mom. Turned out we’d built a sideways connection to get around the block this therapist created. Too much love was there for even this creep (and her who group of “respected” co-associates, 2 in particular — deeply respected by the community believe it or not) to destroy it. However, finally now, I have the original core & connection rebuilding.

        I got to this site today because I added a comment to an article two years ago. Today, as I get close to the core of the healing I need to do (very literally, I’m at the core with the help of the therapist)… I wound up following the link to this site, and to your comment. …your comment that tells the same creepy thinks this hateful therapist told me.

        The core is being able to see their lack of compassion — without it eating you up inside — while feeling your own compassion in life, and knowing they were pure evil. It’s hard to do. It’s scary to let in that amount of awareness of evil.

        It’s odd how I got here. I commented on an article 2 years ago. Today, someone thumbed up that old comment. Which lead me to this article, and to your comments. All right at the time that I’m working on right at the core. Must be something I need in here… for my healing…

        I wish you good healing to you and your daughter.



        Report this comment

      • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

        curls
        At this point, it is my grown adult daughter who says the terrible things. I am healed from him. I know what is what.

        I don’t take anything away from my daughter. My door, my heart, my love remains open and available to her. It is she who is closed to me. God gave me only one child, she refuses conversation, and when she does, she repeats accusations such as how I am not accepting my responsibility for her horrid childhood.

        I’m not saying being taught how to abuse me wasn’t a horrid thing for my ex to have done, but she declines to even hear me try to tell her about sociopaths. She thinks it all came from me being a “difficult” person. She does not want to learn how we BOTH were manipulated by a monster, a sociopath. My daughter was not abused by me, rather, I worked to be a good mom and not let her see what he was doing to me, nor let her see the harm that resulted when he used her to abuse me. It wasn’t her fault he did that to her, there is NO BLAME. But there were behaviors that he taught that she needs to recognize and undo.

        The only words she wants to hear is that I agree that I am unworthy and do not ever deserve to have any good in my life. And as she says, until I say those words, those very emotionally untrue and unhealthy and false words, then I am not “accepting responsibility”.

        and she refuses to hear any other words.
        She did see a therapist who validated my daughters stated experience. As she says, it’s Her experience and therefore TRUE. Yet, I know what my daughter THOUGHT was happening was a manipulation by a sociopath, so TRUTH will set her free (that a sociopath managed her perceptions) but she will NOT travel that journey.



        Report this comment

        • curls says:

          Your original comment read that you blame yourself. I was trying to answer to that. To give you ideas of why not to. And to make sure that in that blame, you didn’t close down yourself (with drinking, or distractions or sorrow) to the point that your daughter couldn’t reach you.

          Now your say something different. So I’ll leave it there. Maybe you have healed more than when you wrote this. Or maybe you slide in and out of the pain of it.

          My only idea on what you write now is to ask your daughter to tell you more about how you are at fault — to get her to talk and talk until at some point she’s let it out at you without you actually having to “agree” with her ideas (the false ideas he put in her head).

          You’re trying to tell her about sociopaths isn’t going work well. It’s you as authority telling her about this. What she lost was herself as authority on herself. She replaced it with his voice (that’s what he wanted). So it will all have to come from her.

          It may help to do it with drawings. A picture of you, him, and her, and let her point and tell you about her connection to you. With him on the paper, it will be harder for her to ignore that, that connection is influencing everything.

          I wished you’d taken a moment to thank me for writing what I did. I was trying to reach out to you in positive ways, and took time to.

          I wish you good luck and success.



          Report this comment

          • 20years says:

            Hey curls, I’ll take a moment to thank you for writing what you did. Maybe you wrote it for me (and others) and I guess I’m just saying, you never know who your audience might turn out to be. Maybe not whom you thought.

            Anyhow, thank you. It resonated with me. I’m the mom in this situation, and I have an almost-grown daughter who is not yet healed from a traumatic experience we both went through several years ago involving sociopaths as well as therapists who steered her down a negative path.

            I’m currently struggling with how to assist her in getting off her negative, self-defeating path and more onto a positive path. She is sometimes “close” to me and other times abruptly shuts down, especially when I bring up forbidden topics.

            I have healed a lot but I am older and more resilient. She is still so very young and it is hard for me, as I’m sitting on SO MUCH “helpful” info on sociopaths which I imagine would help her. But she is only 18…. I wish I could bundle up all I’ve learned over the years and give it to her in one gulp and she is all better. But I know we all have to learn in our own way, at our own pace.

            curls, I found your message uplifting and it gives me hope, maybe time will help this, over time my daughter will get a less skewed perspective about what happened, stop blaming herself and me, and put the “blame” on the fact that sociopaths have been muddying the waters (her perspective).

            It is terrible when it happens to an adult, but so treacherous when it happens to a child. I hope very much she can heal from this so that she can see the world more clearly, and not kind of backwards. What I mean is, she cannot discern truth from lies, and she is a real sweetie but unfortunately is drawn to liars and then does not trust the loving, honest ones.

          • curls says:

            2o years –

            I’m posting above your comment because the reply button isn’t showing up below and I want to reply :).

            Thank you for your post. I’m feeling a bit guilty that I maybe was a bit snippy with “INWHSIA.” I wrote with my needs in mind and maybe didn’t respect hers enough. Her post was extremely helpful to me, so I hoped for a connection back on it.

            Very glad it gave you some hope. There is plenty to be had. At 18 none of us have it all together. You daughter will grow. She’ll be more open to listening when she’s a little older.

            I found it hard to find a good therapist. And even simply less than decent, can do harm. (My original abuse was by a therapist.) There’s something about the abuse that makes it hard sometimes for the needed therapists to pop up. Sometimes approaching from other modalities meanwhile, helps, such as doing artwork, or new age healing process… Without necessarily focusing on the problem, but letting the energy flow and our natural abilities start to heal ourselves…. and then the right helper comes along.

            At 18 the shut downs are very normal — for ALL 18 year olds. It must seem much worse when you know how important it is to reach her — but do know your expression is very normal for parents of 18 year olds.

            “she cannot discern truth from lies, and she is a real sweetie but unfortunately is drawn to liars and then does not trust the loving, honest ones.”

            It sounds like it’s herself she’s not trusting. And that she’s letting her judgement come from outside herself. Liars tend to be happy to take over and form the dysfunctional connection (same as a sociopath will). The honest ones will seem unsupportive since they give you room to be you, and if “you” is confused, that doesn’t feel quite right. I’m armchair assessing, but I’m thinking supporting her by letting her talk about what she wants, and reinforcing her sense of judging herself by herself — may help here.

            That means not giving her “thinking” technical info on sociopaths, but being with her in a healthy way, and asking her repeatedly what her judgement is about whatever (it can be about making cookies), and letting her be in charge. At 18, it’s hard to get that “in charge” opportunity, so you can provide that while still being the parent who makes sure it’s a safe space. In a way, it’s going back to what we do with very little children. We don’t try to “tell” them with thinking. We try to make them feel good and confident in themselves.

            Just a thought –
            but know that I wish you much, much wellness and success with this and your journey. Healing is hard, and there are many moments along the way of doubt. If there weren’t, we wouldn’t be needing healing, lol.

            Take care!!
            C

  3. aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

    I have had a child die also. Nothing like this but all death is horrific so I read these stories of terror with interest. Someone else who can know a little of my pain. A bond. A mother’s pain over the loss of a child(dren) is unique. I have survived the death of a beloved husband too and it’s a different horror.
    But I do know of a story of a mother of 3, pregnant with their 4th. The dad took the 2 oldest up in an airplane with some friends & their 6 kids and the plane was overloaded…it crashed and they all died in flames that could have been seen from the house, if she’d been looking. Im sure she had to overcome guilt (on top of the despair of grief) that she, let alone he, was so dumb as to allow/go up in the grossly overloaded plane. EVEN THE PILOT didnt stop and say, gee whiz, this plane is too small for all these ppl! Now, 33yrs later, this mom only survived this nightmare becuz she had to let it go, I am sure.
    This mom here, Zoey Mendoza, has had a hard road. Depression, homicide-suicide are all often missed and minimized by PROFESSIONALS & hidden by the sick person. Someone can switch, can just *crack*, in the blink of an eye too. We dont know he had planned this. We cant blame this mother. But she can blame herself FOREVER and that’s all that rly matters.
    The last yrs have been a living nightmare to this mom but now she can move on a little. Im glad to see her able to do this. Whether she comforts herself its to honor her children’s lives or whatever IDK. Whatever it takes to keep on living, and not just dying everyday, is what is needed.
    Ive died everyday for a decade and a half at one pt in my life. While my actions once I tried to come back to the land of the living were not to be commended, at least I was trying. This mom is doing a superb job with her life. Kudos 🙂
    Someday I will get it right too lol



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.