Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Adya.”
The con that I went through might not be one that would make headline lines with the elaborateness of it. In fact it was kind of petty and cheap. But the emotional damage it has done me has been significant. I am not the trusting carefree person I once was. And like many women and men here I ignored my instincts that’s things was Not right. If I had listened to my gut, I would not be where I am emotionally.
I was going through a very bad phase. I had just ended what I thought was going to be a wonderful relationship that was going to end up in marriage. We had ended it the worst way possible. I had invested heavily in that relationship. So here I was alone and felt like I was always going to be that way.
In addition I was living and working in a foreign country. I felt isolated away from family and friends. I wanted to get married to someone who had the same cultural background as I. In my mind it would ease the pain. One of my friends that I knew back in the states had told me about an online dating site targeted at south Asian people scattered around the globe. It is quite famous actually. She was successful at truly finding a decent man. So I said why not?
Joined the dating site
I made a profile for myself and paid the fees with the intention of finding a partner. I was going to be successful. I had made up my mind. And my biological clock was ticking. I wanted a family badly.
I immediately noticed his profile. He was from India, from Kashmir. His beautiful green eyes were the first thing I noticed. He had a wonderful physique. However I did note his pictures were of a professional quality. They looked like a model’s pic. I was struck. But I passed it by. I thought at the time he does not look like long-term material. He looks like a player. That would have been that.
However the next day in my inbox I received an email from him. I was secretly thrilled. He wanted to connect. He called and we interacted/skyped.
What he said
He said he just got out a three-year relationship that left him scarred. The girl apparently used him for money. Then cheated on him. And finally married a guy in the wedding dress that he purchased for them. (Enter sob story.) I remember feeling bad for him. He was so innocent behaving, who could ever be so cruel? Of course it was all the ex’s fault.
One of the first things he asked me to do was send him a pic of my apartment. I found it strange. I remember thinking vaguely “what does he want to see the quality of the things I own.” I live in a first world country. He comes from a developing country. But I pushed doubts aside.
Another thing that was alerting my spider senses was the fact that he would always bring up money. He said he mother has a lot of gold jewelry and would give it to his wife, aka me.
I found it odd he would say that. He said his father is a big landowner. Of course these were things I just took at face value. He would call and tell me he lost x amounts of money in a business transaction or he made x amount today. The figures were always high.
Everything I wanted
He was charismatic, funny, sexy. He understood me. He was everything I wanted. Now when I looked back at it, I see he was actively becoming what I needed. I remember me asking if he would like kids. He said he could wait. Didn’t seem so thrilled. But when I stated how much I love kids … from there on he couldn’t wait to have cute kids. He would call often. Lavish attention. I felt so special
Our parents talked (as per Indian familial customs). My father seemed oddly subdued. I noticed and asked him why. He replied that the way the guy talked was slick and fast. But he just wanted me to be happy and form my own conclusions.
Finally the con. It was Ramadan. A time when Muslims give an fixed percentage of money of their annual income to the poor. We were talking about this. I expressed that I wanted to do so. He immediately said he had a poor maid who wanted her daughter to get married but because of the dowry system in India it was hard. He was giving some money. And his family was too. And would I be interested in helping? He asked what was the sum of my total income and he calculated the amount. And me, like an idiot, agreed. I thought I was doing a good deed.
Sent the money by Moneygram. My father saw the receipt and became upset. But I wanted to believe the best
After he got the money he was cold. He was never the same. And he never brought it up again. I noticed lies that were coming through. He had the audacity to bring up another pity story. This was the time he semi warmed up. There was a huge flood in Kashmir. He was raising money. Would I donate? I ignored it.
Oh the lies … he liked to play the victim. Whenever I was upset, he would end up sick in the hospital. His favorite disease was typhoid. So much so that I renamed him in my address book as Typhoid Mary.
His behavior got increasingly cold even though we’re going to meet at the end of the year. I broke it off. We started talking again. Again caught him in a lie then stopped talking.
And again he would resurface with a sob story. One time he told me his grandfather died. I doubt this. I doubt the people my parents talked were his parents. I believe he was already married with a child. He sent me a video of a baby girl. I asked him while maybe subconsciously knowing the truth, “To whom does this child belong?” He answered “she’s mine”. The only time I think he was stating the truth.
Wasted my energy
This guy conned me. He wasted my time. My energy. My tears, my hopes, my dreams. I changed jobs in preparation for him coming. I was invested in a big fat lie. I felt stupid. But yet I deluded myself
Towards the end I looked up online compulsive lying. And I read about psychopaths. And then it hit me. Here was a guy with no empathy. No shame in his game. Manipulative to the core. Here was a predatory male. And I fell for it —a successful professional who was supposed to know better. He hit all the checkboxes.
I am so grateful I didn’t get seriously involved. He would have left me emotionally dead.
I hope others can learn. Especially Indian girls. I hope I can save some hearts. Psychopaths know no color, race or religion.