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From date rape to abuse and violence

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Soundra.”

I met my now ex boyfriend on an online dating site; he contacted me; he was very attractive to me. We texted each other a few times and then he invited me to meet him at his place and then we would go out for a drink. Everything seemed great. He was so nice and gave me compliments and paid for our evening out.

We went back to his house to have a nightcap and he got me drunk. He tried to force himself on me. I told him that I was not interested in a one night stand that I wanted a relationship.

He continued to try to get in my pants. I tried pushing him away but he overpowered me, pulled down my pants and forced his penis into me … I was able to push him off before he finished his business and left out the door and went home …

The next day he was calling me, wanting to see me again. He said he was sorry, that he was drunk and that he thought I was special and that he wanted to have a relationship with me, so I reluctantly agreed to see him again.

This time he drove to my house and I made dinner for us. He was so charming and told me I was FAR SUPERIOR to all the other women he had dated in his life… He made me feel special and I wanted to be with him. He had me so turned on and we had sex on the couch.

He told me he had to go home and could not stay the night because he needed to take his daughter to school the next morning and we lived about 1 1/2 hours from each other.

Over the next 8 months we dated, I spent almost every weekend at his house. It had an amazing view and was very close to the beach. I loved it down there. I always wanted to live by the beach.

He told me he was retired, even though he was only 46 y/o. He told me his parents owned a big company and they sold it and he got a big pa out. I believed him.

I was a very successful Realtor at the time and I was making 6 figures a year. I owned 2 houses, a duplex, horses, Corvette car, big Ford truck, horse trailer and land in the redwood forest that I was going to build a custom home on. So I thought I had met my equal at last…

I was so happy with him and I could imagine our lives together. He said that we would travel the world together and go in his motor home, ride his Harley Davidson and live an exciting life together, but I would need to move closer to him to if I want an exclusive relationship with him.

He convinced me that I did not need to keep the house I lived in and that he was going to take care of me for the rest of my life. I was ready to let go of my old life and start a new life with him, so I let my homes get repossessed by the bank because they where all upside down due to the economy, even though I could easily afford them. I moved to his area for a few months and we saw each other everyday …

Then things started to change. He wanted me with him al the time. If I went back to my place he would show up in the middle of the night banging on the door accusing me of being with someone else, which was crazy.

I thought, wow this guy really loves me and can’t live without me … It made me feel loved …

Until the next time it happened … He came and ripped the screen off the window came in and popped the tires on my beach cruiser, smashed my cell phone because he could not get a hold of me. Then he raped me and made me take him home.

He wanted me to move in with him, because he said that when I was not with him, he was worried I was cheating on him …

So I did. I moved in with him and things got even worse.

His 15 year old daughter live there too. She was very sweet and we developed a relationship.

She told me that he did not love me and was only using me for my money. I told him and he said that she was lying, trying to break us up because she was jealous.

So I believed him. (In hindsight I wish I would of listen to her!!)

He became very controlling of me. I could not go anywhere without him knowing where I was going, etc. I was paying for all of our entertainment then he started making me pay all of the utilities and I was giving him monthly rent to stay there.

His daughter always looked like she had been crying and never came out of her room. When she did, he ordered her around and made her do everything around the house, clean, dishes, laundry etc. One day I could hear him in her room pushing her around. She came out and begged me to get her out of there and to take her to her mother’s house, so I did, and when I got back, he was furious with me.

He called the mother and wanted me to lie for him that he was not abusing her. I told him I would not lie for him and he kicked me in the shin as hard as he could. I left the house crying and went for a drive to get away from him so he could cool off.

When I got back I noticed the tires on my truck where flat. I was scared to go to the front door to get my cell phone that he had taken from me earlier. I called AAA to fix the tires and the police to get an escort to the door for my phone, because I wanted to go stay in a hotel for a while away from him.

The police came and they asked me what had happened. I told them and they said that they would have to arrest him for kicking me. It was domestic violence.

They took him to jail and I got my truck and left for a hotel … He was in there for 3 days, when he got out he said that he was very sorry and it would never happen again and that he wanted to make it right with me and that I should come home, so I did …

Over a short time everything was good, then he started getting more abusive to me, calling me a whore and a liar. If I refused to do something for him, he would twist my wrist behind my back and make me go down on the floor until I would concede and do what ever he wanted me to do … If I started to cry he would get a big pitcher of ice water and dump it on me, then he would rape me …

I was forced to have sex with him 3-5 times a day … make all his meals. I could not even take a bite of my food unless he had taken a bite first or he would throw my plate across the room and I would go hungry that night and have to clean up the mess …

He became more and more violent to me. If I did not want to have sex in the middle of the night he would punch me in the stomach as hard as he could … then flip the mattress over on top of me and hold me down under it until I was ready to pass out from being squashed … then he would throw ice water on me and rape me, then he would go to sleep like nothing ever happened …

If I tried to bring up the abuse he would act like he did not know what I was talking about and tell me I was crazy.

I walked around on eggshells for the next 2 years, terrified. I never knew what would set him off and he would fly into a rage and start abusing me by kicking me on the ground, punching me in the stomach, twisting my wrist until it was ready to break …

He broke 4 of my cell phones during this time and my laptop computer because he would think that I was contacting other men to have sex with them, which was not true.

I realized that he was sick and twisted. But I did not find out until I started getting counseling behind his back that he was a sociopath and extreme narcissist.

I was terrified and did not know how to get out of this mess … I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on in my life … and I did not think anyone would believe me.

I could not believe that I allowed this man to control me and abuse me like this … I tried to leave him a few times and he would put his hands around my neck and squeeze telling me that if I ever left him he would hunt me down and kill me, cut me up in little pieces and put me in the septic tank at our ranch home where we kept our horses. He also told me the same thing if he ever caught me cheating on him …

He cheated on me through out our whole relationship. He would always be online looking for girls to meet… He made me go to swingers parties with him so he could sleep with as many women as he wanted. It was sick!!

I never was with anyone… I did not want to be with anyone else… I hated it… finally I told him I would not go anymore. He was furious with me and strangled me … I could feel my life slipping away. I thought, so this is the way I am going to die???

Then everything went black!! I came to with a huge gasp of air into my lungs and I started crying, realizing that he almost killed me like he said he was going to do… my shirt was ripped open.

I do not know if he was trying to revive me or not. I crawled to the corner of the room crying and he went and got the ice water, then he raped me and fell asleep …

A few weeks later he let me leave the house and I went to the police. I gave a report and they asked me why I did not call them. I told them he had my cell phone and he would not let me leave the house. They said there was nothing they could do. It would be my word against his and there was no proof. I was amazed … He tried to kill me!!! And they did not care … I don’t even think they believed me …

I felt like my life was over… nowhere to go. He had drained me dry of my life savings, my credit cards where all maxed out and my business had failed, because I never got my calls or emails. He had taken everything from me that I had worked my whole life for.

I was 54 years old … he treated me like dirt!! And he never loved me like he said …

I felt sick. How could I have been so stupid and let this man take advantage of me like this?? I could not understand what had happened to me. My self esteem and self worth where gone… I was ready to put my gun in my mouth and end the pain and embarrassment.

But I could not do it … because I was raised a Christian and I did not want to go to hell and I did not want him to win … I realized that is what he wanted most of all was to see me kill myself!!!

I was broke and he would not pay for food for me and my dogs … for the last 3 months we where together he starved us. I ate anything I could find to eat for me and the dogs … then there was nothing left in the pantry.

I always felt strange and could not think straight … I later found out that he had been drugging me and making porno pictures and video of me …

The day I left him I was so week and had lost about 15 lbs … I decided that I would just load up my stuff in my truck and drive away. He let me go… I could not believe it. I thought he would try to kill me … but he did not even care. He wanted me gone. He had used me up and was ready to move on to his next victim to use and abuse.

I left with no money and a phone that had been turned off because he would not pay for it … I drove to the nearest shopping center … I sat there crying my eyes out. The pain was unbearable.

I hated him for what he had done to me … but all I wanted to do was go running back to him and beg for him to take me back … but I did not.

After a few hours a man came by and heard me crying. He asked if I was ok and if he could help. I told him I was broke and needed to get back home to my family. He gave me $40 and I put it in the gas tank and drove as far as I could away from him.

I got to a friend’s house and told her what had happened to me. She was shocked!! She said I was the last person that she ever believed that would fall into that kind of trap … But it was true …

She loaned me some money and let me use her phone to call my mother who lived a few more hours away. My mother said I could come home until I could recover from the trama/drama that I went through and get back on my feet.

I have been living with my 84 y/o mother, who is on social security for the last 5 months …

Since I left my abuser he has filed 2 false felony charges against me and I am being prosecuted by the D.A. He has made me a criminal and him the victim.

He knows how to manipulate everything in his favor. He has also hacked all of my email accounts, changed all the password so I am locked out of them, hacked my bank account and ran up some charges … put porno of me on a least 5 different sites that I have found out about so far …

He has kept his promise to destroy my life. I can’t even work right now because of the licenses I have and the type of charges he has brought against me.

He is nothing but pure EVIL!!! I wish he would leave me alone …

The police are useless. I have filed report after report and they do nothing … it is like they don’t believe me and don’t care …

Every day I try to go on with my life … It is all I can do to keep my faith in God that someday it will all be ok … and my life will get back to normal. I am really struggling and just got approved to get counseling again to help me get me back!!

Donna Andersen comments

Soundra was date raped the first time she met this man, even though he didn’t finish the act. You might wonder, why did she agree to see him again?

Soundra’s response is not all that unusual for women who have been date raped. Some women respond to the assault by minimizing what happened or blaming themselves for drinking too much. And some agree to see the man again in an effort to psychologically gain control over the situation.

Unfortunately, Soundra did not recognize that she had been assaulted. And her reaction, which may have originally been a psychological defense, allowed the perpetrator into her life and eventually lost herself.

Soundra, please understand that this was not your fault. You were deceived, manipulated and abused.

 


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33 Comments on "From date rape to abuse and violence"

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  1. Soundra says:

    Update… I just went to the mail box and my Xpath has filed more false police reports against me. I just got a notice to appear in court on more charges!! I do not know what this is for, as soon as I find out I will keep everyone posted. I just don’t understand how he is able to keep doing this, when every time he does something to me the police don’t even want to take a report, let alone charge him with anything… I did finally get a Restraining order against him, it took 2 months to get him served because he would not come out of his house. And he is still continuing to hack my email accounts and try to contact me on a dating site and make very rude comments to me which I just ignore.

    Soundra



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    • undertheradar says:

      Sondra

      Give me his address and I’ll shoot him for you – I wish!…
      OMG I’m so angry at this man for what he did to you but I’m proud of you for finding the strength to leave and trying to make sense if it so you can move on and have a life.

      Hugs to you xoxo



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  2. flicka says:

    Soundra, I have such great compassion for you and what you’ve gone through; I have been there as have most of us at LF. My sincerest advice: give up your tiring attempts at retribution and justification; likely it will not come. Concentrate instead on yourself and your own healing and chalk it up to another painful but surmountable learning lesson. Heal yourself, that will be his punishment and your best salvation. You can do it girl; you did it before and can do it again once you regain your confidence. Best wishes.



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  3. stillinshock says:

    Soundra, do you have a domestic abuse advocate? You need one. Please look into your area for your local women’s shelter. THEY will believe you, because they see this stuff all the time. For me, the most important thing that happened to me after I got away from my nutjob was having people actually believe me. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on at the time because 1. I didn’t think they would believe it. 2. I was afraid of his threats. 3. I was embarrassed to be in this mess because I am not a weak person. 4. I was taught that when you make a mess, you clean it up, and I figured this was my mess. I didn’t want to get others involved.

    So it can really help to have someone on your side that is unemotional about it, can help sort out the truth from the brainwashing, and help you find ways to stay safe.

    Also, I think I read you have a R.O. and he is still contacting you by email or something? Report it. Make the police take a report on it, and then take it to your prosecutor if they won’t do anything. He is breaking the law. I did this when mine walked thru a P.O. I had to fight to get it into court, but after HE got put on defense and had to hire a lawyer to defend himself, he never walked thru that P.O. again.



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  4. stillinshock says:

    I’m sorry, I forgot something and I can’t seem to edit ….but if he keeps filing false reports against you…..there is recourse for that also. That IS harassment.



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  5. hinahina says:

    Shocked and saddened that all of this happened and I am in full agreement with everyone who confirms that this was never your fault, Soundra. You were pulled into a huge fake world that the kook created in his twisted and sick mind.

    The abuse you endured is tragic and horrible. That he even has the audacity to blame you for anything layers on that tragedy.

    I have to say that the experience I had with the kook who targeted me was also very horrible and I escaped before I lost everything that my family and I had worked for for generations.

    I had also got to a point where I considered ending it all just to escape the torment. Murder by suicide does happen around these kooks and they seem bent on destruction. That you say he wanted to destroy you rings so close to home for me, too. The kook who targeted me answered my question, “What’s your plans?”, with, “I want to destroy you!”

    That was all I needed to hear to know that in that instant, he was telling the truth, because his actions could only have been motivated by this intention — to destroy me.

    I wanted to and have been recovering from the damage done by the kook who targeted me.

    I still suffer the PTSD and have the bunker mentality which has me in a constant state of hyper-vigilance regarding these social predators.

    At the ratio of about 1 out of ten people who may display these characteristics, it is not unwise to remain guarded in this world.

    It is wise to remain forewarned and forearmed against these kooks who stealthily move through the society, looking for opportunities to cause chaos and mayhem.

    That their behaviors are very textbook is helpful to those of us who study up in order to identify these kooks before they get very far.

    Like Donna and others who recognize the need to alert the unsuspecting, I have made it my worthy goal to identify and expose these predators wherever they may be, and one doesn’t have to look far to see their trails of destructive influence.

    Take heart that your story is acknowledged and that we who have been through similar outrageous and fully incomprehensible abuse support you in your recovery and journey of healing.

    We, who have developed the motivation to be the sheepdogs, aiming to protect the sheep from the predatory wolves, are encouraged each day with the knowledge that shedding revealing light on the antics of these confusing deceivers will soon bring about their demise.

    Ever vigilant, we must stand strong against these perpetrators of pain who commit evil acts on the innocent and vulnerable.

    Expose them at every opportunity. Stay strong. We will win.



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