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Abusers are hiding behind S&M

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Bernadette.”

In early 2012, I met a self-described strong alpha male on a dating site. His background was very impressive — a vice president at a large IT firm, author, beautiful home, appeared educated, wonderful sense of humor. He would draw you in, he was what I thought I was looking for, what I thought I needed.

Our early phone conversations would last for hours and the text messaging was never ending.

He was a protector, he would always be a gentleman, keep me safe, what girl would not want that. I fell for him, it seemed like love.

What I thought was the best day of my life, became my hell. My rescuer beat me endlessly.

I stayed. I thought it was love and he told me that as I learned to obey him, the beating would subside.

It always appeared to me he would look for indiscretions to wield his belt, for minor offenses such as forgetting to refer to him as “Sir.” I was beaten, hit over 100 times with braided belt, the pain was immeasurable, and somewhere during the beating, a piece inside dies.

I did file a criminal complaint with the local police department. The DA would not prosecute. Abusers are hiding behind S&M and it’s an uphill battle. The police victimized me by suggesting I consented to this behavior.

I would never consent. I was not married to this man, but I wanted to be. I stayed because I loved him.

I believed everything this man told me. I lost myself and my ability to reason and to self-protect. I reconciled even after filing a criminal complaint.

I relocated at his urging to find him living with his wife and children, one which is handicapped.

He destroyed my world.

I worked with local Domestic Violence shelter to reassemble my life. They rescued me. Our relationship has worked through the country courts and he and I have a “No Contact” clause.

Most recently, I have found him on Match.com, trolling for new prey to abuse. His Match profile states he is an executive for an IT firm, he is not; he is divorced, not true at all; he graduated from an Ivy league school, he did not. He is not a college graduate at all, he is married, and from what I can see he is not an executive anywhere, other than in his mind.

I contacted him via email to ask him to reconsider hurting other women. I heard from his attorney …

I think people need to understand dating websites are laden with predators, plain and simple.

It sounds so odd, but I never realized there are individuals who thrive in creating havoc. They use people as puppets for their amusement. When confronted, they are very adept at triangulation, they skilled con-artists with honed charisma to entice and con very bright individuals, including police.

My story, although sad, has become a catalyst for change. I am building a better life and this type of person can never hurt me again.



13 Comments on "Abusers are hiding behind S&M"

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  1. hinahina says:

    Agreed, Dear One. These Kooks are chaos creators. They don’t care about anything or anyone.

    Their main focus in life is to hurt others as much as possible while evading the law.

    That he’s abusive is your biggest sign to evaporate out of this creep’s life and never go back. He’s 100% trouble.

    No contact. Not even to scold him or for any other reason. Just No Contact.



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  2. NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

    Berndadette
    They are hiding behind S&M, and the law, and EVERYTHING. That’s because a sociopath NEVER takes responsibility for misleading, lying, scamming. It’s ALL your Fault. Yep, “you asked for it.” What an fn Cliché! As my therapist would say to me, over and over, “Let me guess… it’s YOUR fault.”

    We are raised to take responsibility for our choices. It’s a mark of maturity. But a sociopath hijacks our dignity and turns it on us to control us. While we’ve spent our lives learning to be considerate of others, they’ve spent their entire lives learning to scapegoat others, that all others are responsible for them. Thus, they know the tricks to avoid accountability. And the end is ALWAYS the same, no matter who/what woman we are or who takes our place… as you say, “they don’t care about anything or anyone.” They are, in fact, predators and ALWAYS respond as a predator, whether in the seduction mode, (said the spider to the fly) or in the diss and discard mode (using us to capture their next victim.)

    Dr Joseph Carver has written a good article on this type of manipulation. It’s about Stockholm Syndrome, a way of looking at how a manipulator uses our desire to be loved, and makes it conditional, and then “rewards” us with just enough of a promise that we endure and endure in the hope of “getting it right”. If you are interested, you can search for the article, “Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving An Abuser” by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D. Clinical Pyschologist.

    At least you know the truth about him and with that truth, set yourself FREE!!!



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  3. Escapefor1 says:

    It sounds like he decided to live a fantasy alongside his marriage, and so maybe he just created the entire fantasy life, including profession, achievements, lifestyle, etc. But it was really about an S&M fantasy. But BDSM is supposed to be consensual on both sides, or it is just abuse or worse.



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  4. Andi62404 says:

    BDSM is consensual on both sides or it is abuse. The relationships are meant to be built on trust and mutual care. As a member of the BDSM community I know how disturbing it is to us that these monsters are among us as I am sure is any community. Tops, Dom/Dommes, Masters/Mistresses work very hard to give our partners the experience they are looking for. As the dominant we take their safety and pleasure seriously. An abuser could never understand the responsibility we shoulder. They think it is BDSM because they think it is all about control, humiliation and pain. That isn’t what it is about. It is about trust And the ability to be completely vulnerable to another person.



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    • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

      Surely you realize, this is perfect conditioning to be victimized by a sociopath? To submit to complete control/vulnerability and be completely dependent on the other to not harm?



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      • Andi62404 says:

        You can be victimized on any community. I was victimized in the “vanilla” world. I was lured out of my place in the community by my ex husband. He had no interest in BDSM. He broke me down from my place as a Domme and turned me into someone lower than anything I’d do to a slave. I had to endure years of mental anguish and therapy to get back to where it was. Don’t blame the community for predators you just as likely meet at church.



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        • MaziInATX says:

          My apologies, I am not blaming the S&M community for anything. I don’t think the man who abused me is into S&M at all, but rather uses it as an excuse to circumvent the law. He preys on woman who are not into S&M, vanilla if you will, grooms them so he can beat them. Just the other day, I warned his new prey of what he is, she doesn’t practice S&M, but yet he was grooming her, her spidey senses were alert, she was smarter than I. Needless to say, she was grateful, she had concerns and I confirmed them. When brought questions, he hides behind the excuse of S&M. From conversations with varied District Attorney’s office, they have found abusers like to use this a place to hide, rather than to face consequences of being abused.
          I am sorry for all you have been through.



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          • Andi62404 says:

            I would have preferred not to experience it but without my relationship with him I wouldn’t have the best thing in my life or a number of people I met because of him. My daughter is my breath and my will to continue to better myself.
            My ties in the BDSM community have helped me heal and become a better, stronger me. They have been infinitely supportive and have helped me rebuild my trust in others but also my trust and confidence in myself. Without them I don’t know if I would be as far along the healing path as I am. I can always find a kind ear or inspiration from one of my many friends.

    • MaziInATX says:

      Thank you for the note. I am working diligently to have this man arrested, he is a predator. The other day I had a conversation with his latest prey and warned her, she was so grateful. It felt so wonderful to save someone from what happened to me. I know BDSM is a legitimate community of people, although I don’t practice. I am looking for a resource in order to substantiate my findings, this man is not practicing S&M, but is a predator who prey on educated woman, to get one over on them, thus giving power. Would you by any chance know of any good references who would be willing to talk?



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  5. OnlyGetsBetterFromHere says:

    I was pursued by a man who abused me in the name of BDSM. However, when he first approached me, he seemed so chivalrous and witty. I was new in town, and dating was horrific. He was very understanding, and asked me to give him a chance. He quickly gained my trust, but once I agreed to have sex with him, things became quite dark. He used things I’d told him in confidence against me. He used my body against me. He played with my mind. He hurt me physically, sexually and emotionally. He claimed he was a dominant, and I was the perfect submissive. But I never wanted any of the things he did to hurt me. I never had the opportunity to say no. There was no safe word. He just was a controlling, abusive man who seemed to enjoy hurting me.

    I hate that stories like 50 Shades of Grey has become so popular because I think there is going to be an increase in the number of women who are hurt by men pretending to be dominants. It may be titillating to read or watch on screen, but when someone is holding you down and forcing themselves on you without your consent, it isn’t pleasurable. Fantasies with no basis in reality are dangerous.



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  6. MaziInATX says:

    I suffered at the hands of this man and I imagine he thought I would just go away, sometimes I wish I could; I am sure he wishes he never met me today. I had received advice from the District Attorney’s office in North Texas; “Don’t give up, keep digging, keep telling your story”. A renowned FBI profiler who I had the opportunity to speak with and tell my story to, feels this man is very dangerous, and defines him as a very intelligent, skilled psychopath, who has no value for human life. He only cares about having his needs met and protecting his name, which is dangerous, especially with how vocal I have been.
    Regardless, I have dug and watched and researched, and now people are listening. I don’t know if I will have my day in court, I am hopeful it will happen, but I am told he will mess up eventually and he won’t be able to lie about it and walk away. Texas is watching.



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