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He made it his mission to prove I’m worthless

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Octavia.”

I believe now that I was married to a sociopath. I was married 16 years and lived with him for 4 years. I became pregnant, had the baby and didn’t marry until the baby was 9 months old. I had a sick feeling but went ahead with the marriage.

The “put-downs” were subtle in the beginning. I was made to feel like I was a “lesser” person … the mocking, contempt, control were always there. When I challenged him, he immediately denied his actions … he was only kidding.

I never had any decision making authority … it was always “pretend” equality/partnership. It took me years to realize his actions didn’t match his words. I was responsible for my child 24/7.

He married me. When we went to pick out the rings he “mocked” the idea of spending 3 months salary on it. So I picked something he claimed he could afford. I paid for the wedding and never got a honeymoon.

As time went on I wanted another child as I didn’t want my first to be an “only.” In my first trimester I started bleeding and thought I would lose the baby. I was working and went on full disability.

He insisted on coming with me to the OB/GYN appointment as he didn’t believe me when I said sex was out of the question. The doctor was livid with him and told him to go take a cold shower. He had no concern for me or the baby.

I carried to term and 9 months later was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I chose alternative therapies along with lumpectomies. My second child came with me to my appointments.

During all this we rebuilt our house. That lasted 8 years. I was expected to work, care for kids, build, move, clean, cook, shop, all while battling cancer. He never once took me to a doctor’s appointment. He wouldn’t “baby-sit” his own children. His “business” came first.

I went through chemo, radiation and a mastectomy with 2 toddlers. I had no help. He started to become angry because of the medical bills. I was given an “allowance” to pay for daily living. I was never given equal knowledge of our finances.

Four years later I was diagnosed with breast cancer on the other side. I endured a year and a half of more chemo. Lost my hair a second time. Sex became very painful. He didn’t care. He said he had needs.

Both my children at that time were diagnosed with learning disabilities. He didn’t participate in homework, discipline, school, or sports with them. I did it all and never missed a day in bed, sick from chemo. I was constantly reminded that he put a roof over my head.

It finally came to a boiling point in the housing crash of 2008. He got involved in a spec house, as he was a builder by trade. He wanted to build himself a brand new house. I warned him about the market crash. I was told I was stupid. I used to own my own small business and did all the books. He paid someone else because he said I was stupid.

Needless to say he lost everything we worked for over 15 years. He came home one day and announced he cancelled “my kids’ fancy health insurance.”

Once month after I finished chemo he was demanding I go back to work. That was in ’09 when everybody was being laid off. I asked him where was I going to find work at 57 y/o in this economy?

I threw the remote at him, which missed, but I was arrested. My son was only 13 y/o. he witnessed the altercation. When the cops asked his if his father put his hands on my he said no … I didn’t want to continue the damage. I took the hit.

For one year the ex tortured me with re-arrest when I spoke up to him. Then it happened again … he was telling the kids I spent all the money. He was going to take the kids, my car and throw me on the street.

At that point he had alienated my family and his from me. I was being blamed for our financial mess because I couldn’t work.

I intercepted some mail from the IRS in my name. It turned out he hadn’t paid taxes in 5 years although he had an accountant and I signed the forms each year, being told “it was all set.” We owed over $175,000, not including state taxes.

When I finally got into his office there were 3 plus years of unpaid bills. The spec house had been financed by equity loans from the first house. Credit cards in my name without knowing. We filed bankruptcy in 2010 and to this day I’m still finding out there’s more on my credit report I knew nothing about.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars from his customers went missing. Hundreds of thousand of dollars from Income went missing. Suppliers were burned…. Contractors were burned…. I was burned.

I fought the IRS alone for Innocent Spouse. He lied to the Bankruptcy Court, the IRS, his Sub’s, Me, his/my family, friends, and now the Divorce court.

He a Slick Willy … as smart as they come. I’m being blamed for the whole debacle by him, the court, families, friends, etc. I haven’t been able to rise above because he’s so good at manipulation. He uses everyone. Money is his weapon.

His own children have been hurt beyond belief and he’s never said he’s sorry. He’s made it his mission to prove to them I’m worthless and useless and we lost everything because I stayed home with my kids.

I had too… they inherited his genes … a learning disability. I’ve been through Hell and believe I married the Devil himself. I was so lost in the Stockholm Syndrome/PTSD/Gaslighting. He’s a Master! and so very dangerous.

I have not been able to awaken ANYONE to his tactics…… I have lost so much of myself I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.

I just found out the Court imputed Income to me during the final negotiations that were MORE than what I was earning at the time three years previous.  I received NO acknowledgement for the twice cancer events that left me tired and with memory issues.

Because I had no “work history” I was not able to apply for disability and if I applied for disability the Alimony would end.  Catch 22 for women who raise children.

I am also 10 years older than the ex.  I can’t collect on his SS until I’m 75.

I used ALL my Pension money to help my children survive his non-payment of support with no reprieve from the Court.  He writes off ALL his living expenses as a self-employed person and I’m taxed at the max.  There is NO equality.

I am in the process of discussing my story with my state rep as to how to equalize the finances with the self-employed who have the ability to hide money. It will be interesting …



22 Comments on "He made it his mission to prove I’m worthless"

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  1. bluejay says:

    Octavia,

    I am very sorry for all of the stress that you and your kids have been through. My spath was self-employed, a disaster of a business person, dishonest and corrupt. He too didn’t pay bills, didn’t file taxes, etc. You’re not alone. He negatively affected my credit. I admire you because of your strength, ability to carry on despite the injustices that have been thrown your way. Peace.



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    • Mother.Love says:

      Thank You… however, the Injustices continue to pile up… nobody cares… sad truth in our society. Misogyny has gone underground.



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      • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

        Mother.Love
        I don’t think misogyny has gone underground. Rather I think it is dismissed as Normal part of narcissists in this self absorbed world that it’s almost a banal characteristic compared to other hedonistic betrayals. I read stories of rape and assume “misogynist” where others assume kinky Shades of Grey (acceptable titillation). Really, for such an “enlightened” society, people are blind to what’s disordered behavior. Crime is sanctioned, while law abiding victims have been denounced as criminals. My ex got away with nearly murdering me because a law officer decided I deserved, yes DESERVED, what was “coming to me”, based on what a “nice” guy my ex seemed to be. Yep, it’s okay to murder that annoying “crazy” wife.



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  2. saneandfree says:

    It is stunning how much damage these disordered characters can inflict. And, it is always amazing how much they revel in it and enjoy it. “Disordered” just doesn’t describe who they are! “Evil”, “demonic”, and “diabolical” are closer to the truth.

    Octavia, I am sorry for all your losses and griefs which you have suffered because of a man you loved. A man you chose to love out of the goodness of your heart — a man who deceived you to give your heart and life to…

    The bottom line for all of us is that they are DESPICABLE; we cannot change them; we cannot make them care about anything or love us. They hate themselves. How can they love others?

    You are so spot on when you say that “he made it his mission to prove you are worthless.” He did and is still doing it. BUT, Octavia, it is HE who is worthless. So very, very worthless.

    It is their bottomless pit of shame and self-hatred which they continually try to dump on whomever they can. It is their life mission. What sorry, miserable “people” (non-humans) they are!!!

    For us, the sooner we can get it straight about who is worthless and who is sick and who is disordered (THEM), the sooner we can get our heads on straight and climb up out of the mess and chaos they have created. For our sanity’s sake, we must give them full ownership and say “good riddance!” Let them self-destruct elsewhere.

    Kudos to you for not accepting his shame projection and for rising above his own self-manufactured hell-hole!



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    • Mother.Love says:

      The Sad truth is “everyone” agrees with him…. He’s a “wolf in sheeps clothing” and plays it to the hilt…. Poor Him. No one looks or cares about what I endured except websites like this. It’s mind-blowing how many people fall for his act because he has his own business and I depended on him, therefore I’m the gold-digger leach. That’s how people see it and he maximizes it without telling them what I endured or how little he cared. I find myself on the defense all the time with society, including family. My own Sister said “I did this to myself”…. obviously I’m not speaking to her anymore.



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      • saneandfree says:

        Mother.Love,

        I hear you. Same here. But, as grievous as it is, as unfair as it is, know that it is NOT over. Right now everything seems upside down and WRONG. Not seems — is.

        I think that is one of their best strategies to defeat us…convince us that everyone and everything is against us. But, you can see from sites like this that they are NOT GETTING AWAY with it…many are “getting on to them.” Information about spaths is becoming more wide-spread.

        We don’t have to accept misogyny — underground or in plain sight. Men who hate women and misuse them are WORTHLESS trolls & toads. Not worthy of our consideration. We are on to them now.

        They can only abuse us if we allow them to. Just say “no” — go “no contact” and utilize the “grey rock” technique. Same goes for any “friends” or family who do not respect us. PERIOD. Good riddance!

        The trick is to remain standing. Because of who and what they are, they WILL self-destruct. Give it time. And, in the meantime don’t let him and his lies and cheats destroy you!

        You know the truth now. The difficulty for us comes when we try to reconcile what they are, what we see, what they pretend to be, how others are deceived, etc. It is impossible! It is an exercise in insanity.

        Oh no, we don’t have to be swept up and away by them or their lies. Here is a secret: he will try to put on you what he does and who he is. You do not have to receive it. Let it all fall back on him and let him wear it and own it.

        Stand back, stand tall, believe in yourself and what you know to be true, even if no one believes you now. Time will reveal all. Just give it time. 🙂

        When we angst over the injustice, etc. we have a tendency to become bitter and filled with hate — just like them. But, we can choose to rise above. We need to for our own soul’s sake. The best revenge is to live well.



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        • Mother.Love says:

          You are so right ! I have to “let go” on many levels. It’s hard when court is still a major part of my life 5 years after the divorce. When kids are involved it’s tough.



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          • liferaft2 says:

            Mother.Love,

            When WE become “bitter and filled with hate” we do not become “just like them”! Our anger is not the same as theirs, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
            You have every right to be angry and bitter. It is only the evil ones who do not have the right to their anger, just as they do not have the right to their evil…

  3. Jan7 says:

    Octavia, I want you to know that we HEAR YOU hon, we HEAR YOUR pain, your sadness, your anger, we hear all of your emotions in your post describing the nightmare you lived for so long. I am truly sorry that you were sucked into a sociopaths evil world….you deserve so much better. It really broke my hear reading your post. We have all been where you are now and you will slowly get through all of your emotional pain it just takes time. I equate my married to my ex h as hell and divorce court as the bottom of hell as the court are absolutely clueless about the evil ways of a sociopath.

    YOU are an amazingly strong person…I cant even imagine going through cancer treatment, raising two small children AND dealing with a evil sociopath. So much you have suffered at the hands of this evil person.

    For court issues child custody/divorce court issues check out Onemomsbattle. com, the site creators books and their facebook pg. Their facebook page is a excellent place to talk with other victims, to get support, get advice etc. Open a fake email account then open a fake facebook page so that you can chat freely without the sociopath seeing what you are chatting about or his family/friends.

    Get a court mental evaluation asap on your ex h asap this WILL eliminate a lot of stress because the court will have proof he IS disordered. As how to do this on Onemoms battle facebook page.

    Most victims who leave sociopaths have PTSD and according to Dr Wilson the biggest issue with PTSD is adrenal fatigue….get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency, and hormonal imbalance as these are all issues with adrenal fatigue and once corrected you will see a quick emotional recovery. See sites adrenalfatigue. org take the quiz/see symptoms list/read, DrLam. com see his symptoms list/read, Mialundin. com read her book, see her you tube videos. Google also Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” this will help you to build your immune system after cancer AND help you to heal your adrenal glands from all the stress you have been under. See Dr Fuhrman’s book Eat to Live and his other cant remember the name but something about Super Immune system. He is a excellent doctor.

    BIG HUGS to you tonight! Please know you are not alone hon we are here for you. Take care



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    • Mother.Love says:

      Thank you for the Support. I know I’m suffering Adrenal Fatigue.. but I don’t have the money to address the issue. It’s a downward spiral for a long time fighting for Justice from friends, family and the system. I’m blamed for ALL of it… The louder I scream the more they all agree I’m crazy…there’s no accountability for cruelty… it’s almost as if the crueler one is the more accepted they become…. our pop culture is SICK. Compassion, Empathy, Caring, Loving is seen as complete WEAKNESS. It’s madness. All the Divorce Court cares about is “why aren’t I working”? I am but it’s Minimum Wage and I still have a child with learning disabilies/health issues at home. I can’t get hired once they find out my Age, Marital Status, Employment History, and Marital Status….. all the stuff of Discrimination…. it all comes down to PROOF…. I don’t have $5k to prove it to a Court.

      Doing the best I can…. I sometimes wish the good Lord would take me home.



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      • Jan7 says:

        Hi Mother.Love, you are doing great hon, you have not only survived cancer but you have survived a sociopathic abuse for many years. Please pat yourself on the back!! Bravo to you!!! You are strong, you are brave, you are a true fighter!!

        Find a very good accountant to see about doing your taxes separate from your ex just because you are/were married does NOT mean you have to do taxes together. This may or may not benefit you this is why it is so important to get a very sharp accountant to run the numbers. Your income was half of the expenses (half the bills) so you will need a accountant to figure out how you can pay less taxes but the good news is before your ex or your husband ?? not sure which files his taxes you can claim your children on your taxes. Again you will need a very wise accountant so interview them via the phone/in person etc.

        You/your ex might be audited by the IRS for the simple reason your ex did not do the taxes for years they are late and because you are divorcing so this is one area you should hire an accountant to protect you if you are audit. These two things not doing taxes/divorce is a red flag for the IRS….DONT PANIC hire a accountant to help you check this box off your to do list that your ex did not do himself. Leave your ex to deal with his big mess that HE created!!

        Get a mental evaluation on your ex asap with the courts see my post above this one for info on this…do this asap as it WILL help you in court. You can go to the court clerk to file out a court motion get help from Onemomsbattle facebook page (see info above post)

        I know it seems overwhelming the mess that your ex left for you to deal with…my ex did the same…I think most victims are in the same spot sadly…just take one problem at a time hon and you will get through this and leave this evil nightmare of a man behind you.

        Go to the big box book store and look at “Financial Divorces” read them to learn what your rights are and what to put in your final divorce papers to protect your finial future ie social security benefits form your ex etc.

        Its’ easy to heal your adrenal glands my doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins (adrenalfatigue. org) which one is just B complex…my doctor had me take them 2 in the am, 1 noon, 1 2:30 pm, 2 before bed time also he gave me progesterone cream pills but you can read about progesterone creme from your health food store over the counter, in Mia Lundin’s book dont worry about her book title she used it to get women attention she explains the use of progesterone cream please read it before using & check with your doctor. Within hours you will feel your anxiety diminish with in weeks you will feel calm so that you can check things off of your todo list. Your hormones are most likely not in the right balance because of your cancer, treatment & stress you have been unders so I would say focus on this borrow the money if need be because as you know your health is the most important thing to have a good life so take care of your health now.

        Keep coming here to vent it really does help to clear your mind.

        Wishing you the best! Take care.



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        • Jan7 says:

          PS if you owe money to the IRS….NEGOTIATE WITH THEM TO LOWER THE AMOUNT OWED….this is a must!!

          The IRS will negotiate.



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          • Mother.Love says:

            I received an Innocent Spouse from the IRS after a year. I can’t get access to what he’s paid which would change the child support. He’s lying to the Court, gets away without providing documents requested and the Court treats me like a gold-digger. He’s paid (through the grapevine $70k) for an Offer and Compromise yet he only shows Income that barely pays his bills. The question is “where did the money come from”? the Court is protecting him and his money. Contempt is a Joke !

  4. Mother.Love says:

    I have to add that he was Cheating on me with other women WHILE I WAS IN THE SECOND ROUND OF CHEMO… and it was MY FAULT. I chose to leave him when the IRS agent said if I went back to work they’d ATTACH MY paycheck… it was a NO WIN situation.



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  5. bluejay says:

    Mother.Love,

    You are between a rock-and-a-hard place. I get it, feeling very badly for you. What you have endured is incredible. My prayers are with you. All we can do is the best that we can do. It hurts when others do not support you, are unwilling to know the facts of a situation, or know the facts, but, ignore you or are critical. Please keep coming here for support and validation. Hugs.



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  6. Mother.Love says:

    Many Thanks to all of you for the Validation. It helps to relieve the pressure knowing it’s “not my imagination”… haha It’s all too REAL. I often wonder how I attracted someone like this or didn’t see it. I know for a long time I was over-whelmed with life and trying to make it all work. Coming from a very dysfunctional family may be the source of “normalcy” that I allowed. Not knowing when to say when has always been my bane. I’m not a quitter… so that part of me is what’s holding me together right about now. Along with the Support I’m finding here.



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  7. Delores says:

    He is a classic psychopath. It is mind boggling when we actually realized what they are and then dealing with them still makes us crazy. It is not your imagination. They only show their evil side to one person at a time and everyone elses sees the false face of Mr. Kind. I am so sorry you have to deal with one and the courts. The courts are full of them and many are lawyers. It is a career that lets them “practice” their evil legitimately. Your story sounds so much like mine. I have been divorced from him for 40 years and he still got to me at our daughter’s wedding. I refused to ever see him again and now he has turned her against me with lies. My only respite was when he was married to one of his other wives and focused on them. I wish you the best. He is a good site to learn more. https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/category/a-painful-incredulity-psychopathy-and-cognitive-dissonance/



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    • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

      Delores and TO ALL
      That is a very good article that explains why we keep asking “why” after the mask falls off our dearest beloved (sociopath).

      It should be printed out for every newly discarded, traumatized person coming here for guidance and reality checks.

      Thank you for sharing such valuable wisdom.



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  8. Escapefor1 says:

    I am so sorry to hear how trapped you are. I can’t imagine! You are so strong to hang in there and sound so calm and smart about handling it. Pat yourself on the back.

    My situation was very similar in many ways, but not as bad. The biggest difference was that my family, initially not really understanding, was very supportive in the end. And my entrepreneur ex did not make money, so I had to work that much harder while raising children and fighting serious health issues. He also obligated us big time. But I was the (female) “dad” in the divorce, so it was harder to protect my kids and I was unable to protect what finances were left.

    It sounds to me like you really have no choice (because he hasn’t left you one, nor have the courts and laws) but to basically walk away from it all. You also may need to do that for yourself. I know how hard it is with kids. But they may or may not appreciate what you do for them. I did it anyway because I love my children and I felt it was my job as a mother, especially a protective mother. But I gave up a LOT of myself to get it done. So, each of us has to make a choice of what we can endure and give up.

    I also was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. It is not that expensive to treat with a naturopath. I pay (all out-of-pocket) about $40 a month for my bio-identical hormone pills, and maybe $40-65 a month to have the doctor visit. I would probably prioritize my hormone treatment above any other cost, except possibly housing, and maybe even then. So, it is worth it. With so much stress so long, you also may need testosterone. That is more expensive to get properly supplemented. I do bio-identical pellets, but as these are with an MD and involve visits and testing, it is more like $1,200 – 1,400 a year, in bunches at certain times. Now that I am menopausal (which may be your situation with having had breast cancer, depending on what treatments they do hormonally), my estrogen and progesterone supplementation is included in these costs. Between these two, then, my cost is about $200 a month. Without it, I don’t function. With it, I do, and my outlook is calmer and cheerier. Totally worth it! I recommend it.



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