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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I will not let another person control my heart and my brain

Editor’s note: The following email was received from a reader whom we’ll call “Clara.”

I am so glad that I decided to look into narcissism and psychological problems. I have found my answers and feel better already. I now have an answer to what happened to my whirlwind romance.

Thankfully I was a lot luckier than the other women that have posted. My guy was perfect for 4 months. Then it went into hyperdrive and he told me he was in love with me. I was feeling it also. He emotionally got me into that position for the 4 months. He was beautiful and loving and thoughtful. I couldn’t believe my luck!

Exactly 9 days after he told me he was in love with me, our relationship was over. He said things like … your name and my last name are just perfect together, (even though I thought my name was better). Red Flag, just didn’t recognize it yet.

Then sex became different, still fantastic, but now he wanted me to tell him over and over how much I loved him, the entire time. It became a chore for the next week. He would say things like, “Tell me about our future together, what does it look like?” Now I am not having as much fun during sex, I had to talk all throughout it. And telling him stories would make him orgasm. Red Flag.

The professor

He had a very high self-esteem, but then again, did not in public. When he spoke, it was about politics. Or the universe. I started to notice that his information was coming to him through videos he would watch, word for word he would repeat, what I had watched with him earlier. Red Flag.

He would act like he was a professor, explaining in detail about the subject matter. It wasn’t a conversation with friends around the kitchen table; it was his schoolroom. And, I also noticed that he had no friends! He also has 2 sons from a broken marriage. He would be texting late at night and he would say it was with a son who could not sleep. I know better now! Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag …

He started talking about sexual acts he wanted to do with me. I told him, “I will have to be drunk to do that!” Red Flag.

New Year’s Eve

So by the time New Year’s Eve came around … day 9 … I brought him to the party of some very dear friends of mine. They could not believe i was bringing a guy with me; it had been 6 years since my husband left the children and I. And I was busy raising kids. I did not have time for serious relationships; he was the first serious relationship I had entertained this whole time. And he knew that …

This fool waited until the countdown reached 5 seconds to midnight and said something to me that he started off, “If there’s going to be any semblance of a relationship between us during 2015 …” I tuned him out because I was stunned Into shock and awe. I couldn’t believe his dramatic timing. At midnight, I just looked at him, no kisses no hugs, I wasn’t feeling it at this point. All my friends were looking for me to say, “Happy New Year.”

I left the room. I didn’t want them to see the tension between us. I was embarrassed that I was so happy a minute ago and now my face reflected shock.

That is all the ammo he needed. He started in with crazy stuff. I said we needed to leave. When we were in his car finally, he had to tell me all about me and what I did wrong that night. He was abusive mentally. All I could think was keep your mouth shut until you are out of his car. (Which, btw, is an absurdly expensive car for a man that didn’t have a steady income.)

I simply told him to take me home; there was no way I was going to his house as planned. When we got to my street I didn’t wait to get the hell out. He continued to tell me how much of a horrible person I was at the party. I knew I wasn’t, therefore I was trying to figure out whom this person was and what happened to my awesome boyfriend, also knowing in my brain that this wasn’t good and I would never lay eyes on him again.

When I got out I said a few things in anger and later I saw that he held onto those statements very tightly so he could text me the next day and tell me word for word what I had said. Quite frankly, I was angry and am not sure about all I said or didn’t say. But it didn’t matter, because I never responded to his excessive texting, which angered him even more. I left town for a few days to avoid any contact with him.

Didn’t know what to call it

He is TEXTBOOK, absolutely everything that is stated here!

I did not know what to call it. I was very confused as to how he went from a loving, caring, emotionally attached human being, to this off center, nasty, hateful person that wants to tell me how to feel and how to act about the situation.

Now I have an answer! I feel liberated, free, I have closure! Thank you for that.

It was much needed in my heart and soul. I really thought he was in love with me and I thought I had fallen in love with him … 9 days, he could not of lasted much longer. I suspect it was too much effort for him to be so kind and generous to another human being.

Recognized my ex-husband

Now, I should say … the reason I recognized his behavior and deflected it, is because my ex-husband did almost the same thing to me for years. I emotionally fought that man for years and years, and when it was done, I knew I would never let another person control my heart and especially my brain.

I recognized and called bullshit. And was able to walk away because of my previous experience.

My ex husband is not a narcissist. He simply, I found out much later, was a drug addict. He had to make me the bad guy so he had reasons to leave the house in a fury and not come home for hours and hours.
 I had already told myself years ago not to put up with someone else telling me how to feel and how to act.

I got lucky! But it still hurt like hell. He presented himself as my perfect suitor. And played with me for 4 months. I see the red flags now in hindsight, but I was willing to let it go at the time because he was an incredible human being … (NOT).

Go with your instinct

So ladies, as hard as this is … Recognize the behavior, realize you do not deserve to be treated this way. Go with your gut instinct; it will tell you what you need to do. Get the hell out, that’s for sure. You cannot deal with this stuff because he loves you — he doesn’t — or that you love him. You can’t love someone who doesn’t exist. It’s a damn shame for sure! But we deserve better treatment for our hearts and the wellbeing of our thoughts and emotions.

My guy was seen with a new woman less than a week later. She was whispering in his ear affectionately. I am sure she was already on the hook before our fallout on New Years Eve. That poor girl. if I had seen them, I just might of calmly walked up to her and told her to run for her life!

Good luck ladies. I wish you all speedy recoveries and bright future relationships. Do not let this man define who you are!

I am single again myself. It sucks, but not as bad as being in a full-on custody battle with my emotions with a narcissistic psycho!

Marilyn Manson has a song out called “Deep Six.” It’s about narcissism. Read the lyrics and listen to the song. It will help.

God Bless …

 



3 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I will not let another person control my heart and my brain"

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  1. Frandee says:

    Yet again, another too similar story, THANK GOD you got out at only 4 months. even years after we broke up I am still healing and learning boundaries so I do NOT have to ever feel like someone has control of me!!!!
    NO CONTACT is ABSOLUTE best thing to do, I am on medication and therapy (to find out what was it with me that allowed someone to do this to me) Making huge advances. Good luck everyone!



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  2. NoMoreWool says:

    “You can’t love someone who doesn’t exist.”

    You hit the nail on the head right there.



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  3. lm1964 says:

    Im glad you got out. There are some really sick people out there. There is hope because not all men are like the one you described. I have been a victim of this crap too. To this day I have hatred, regret. Im glad you are safe.



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